Mr. Colon…..Will Forte Vlad…..Bill Hader Katya…..Megan Fox Svetlana…..Fred Armisen
[ open on building exterior, Moscow, Russia ]
[ dissolve to interior room ]
Vlad: How have you found Russia so far, Mr. Colon?
Mr. Colon: Well, it’s a great country, Vlad, I’m having a heck of a time!
Vlad: Yes, yes… Now, let’s get down to business, shall we? You want to find a beautiful Russian bride to take back to America?
Mr. Colon: [ smiling ] That’s why I’m here!
Vlad: Yes. You narrowed down your selection to two women from our online database? [ Mr. ?? nods ] Are you ready to meet them in person, before you make your final choice?
Mr. Colon: [ excited ] Yes, please, I am SO ready!
Vlad: Alright. [ he calls out ] Katya! Svetlana!
[ two women enter the room, one a beautiful, slender model type, the other one little more than a man in a dress and wig ]
Mr. Colon: [ swooning ] I am instantly in love!
Vlad: I thought you might be. Now, before we go any further, I should tell you that Svetlana is slightly cheaper than Katya.
Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] How much cheaper?
Vlad: Ten dollars.
Mr. Colon: Oh… okay. This is going to be verrry, very hard. Uh, can they understand what we’re saying?
Vlad: No, not at all.
Mr. Colon: Alright, let’s see… [ thinking ] Hmm… Katya has a very beautiful face… she looks young and healthy, and clean…
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: [ to the point ] But Svetlana is ten dollars cheaper.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Svetlana. It looks like you pulled her out of a drain. Like a shower drain. You know, with hair and dirt and clumps of hardened shampoo.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Mildew, dead skin, just like the oils from the conditioner that have congealed and turned black inside the drain.
Vlad: [ annoyed ] Yes. I am familiar with this drain.
Mr. Colon: But… ten dollars cheaper. Ah, this is tough! I mean, would you mind asking them some questions for me?
Vlad: Yes. Not at all.
Mr. Colon: Katya! What are some of your interests?
[ Vlad translates to Katya, and she answers in Russian ]
Vlad: She says, “Sweing, pleasing my husband, and playing Fantas.”
Mr. Colon: And Svetlana?
[ Vlad translates to Svetlana, and she answers in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana has no interests.
Mr. Colon: And which one is cheaper, again?
Vlad: Svetlana.
Mr. Colon: Right. Svetlana. But ten dollars… So, Katya is $60,000, and Svetlana is $59,990.
Vlad: Exactly!
Mr. Colon: Damn! How am I ever going to choose?
Vlad: Perhaps you could ask the ladies to wink at you. Would that help?
Mr. Colon: [ he laughs ] It couldn’t hurt!
[ Vlad translates to the two women, and Katya answers in Russian ]
Vlad: Katya would also like to blow you kisses while she winks.
Mr. Colon: [ pleased ] Great!
[ Svetlana answers in Russian ]
Vlad: And Svetlana cannot wink, only blink.
[ Katya winks and blows a sultry kiss ]
[ Svetlana uses all of her might to blink both of her eyes together ]
Mr. Colon: [ impressed ] Wooooww! Wow! [ he catches his breath ] So, basically, it’s a choice between Katya… or this one and ten dollars.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Okay. Guilty pleasures?
[ Vlad translates to the two women: Katya answers in Russian as Svetlana pokes herself in the arm ]
Vlad: Katya: oral sex; Svetlana: heroin.
[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana would like to show her “talent” to you.
Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] Oh! Great! I would love that!
[ Svetlana starts jerking her body awkwardly and sings Madonna’s “Into The Groove” ]
Mr. Colon: Hmmmm… still not convinced either way. One more question. Okay. Have either of them been married?
[ Vlad translates to the two women ]
Katya: Nyet!
Vlad: Katya: no.
[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana was married a long time… he was love of her life… Unfortunately, she suspected that he was cheating on her, so, in his sleep, she KILLED him with her fists… before she realized that it was her own lipstick she found on his neck… But it was far too late — he was dead.
Mr. Colon: Wow… I guess it’s pretty clear who the right choice for me is. [ anxxiously ] Which one is cheaper, again?
Female Passenger…..Abby Elliott Male Passenger…..Andy Samberg Flight Attendant #1…..Kristen Wiig Flight Attendant #2…..Megan Fox Voice of Pilot…..Bill Hader Other Passengers…..Bobby Moynihan, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate, John Lutz, Hannibal Buress, Ryan Perez, Christine Nangle
[ open on stock footage of airplane flying through the air ]
[ dissolve to interior, passengers in their seats ]
Female Passenger: I cannot believe our vacation is over!
Male Passenger: I know. Now we have to go back home to Hawaii.
[ she rolls her eyes at him, as the two Flight Attendants enter from the cabin and grab PA mikes ]
Flight Attendant #1: [ in a twangy southern voice ] Ladies and gentlemen… would you just stay seated, with your seatbelts fastened?
Flight Attendant #2: [ in an equally twangy southern voice ] It’s gonna be a bumpy ride for a little bit — okay?
Flight Attendant #1: Okay? Thank yeeeeewwww!
[ they retreat to the cabin ]
Female Passenger: We’d better buckle up.
[ everyone buckles up, as Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s me again. The pilot just informed me that we are headed for some suh-vere turbulence. Okaaaay? He said it’s gonna be really bad. So just stay seated with your belts buckled, ’cause he said this is gonna be terrible.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
Male Passenger: Wait… wait a minute. What did she say?
Female Passenger: [ nervous ] Yeah. That didn’t sound so good.
[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #2: Uh, folks? I did want to let you know that your oxygen masks will be released from above you, okaaay? Do not panic — the pilot is scared.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers look at one another with mild panic, as Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Everyone, everyone, please — I did just speak with the pilot, and he said he’s gonna do his very best… to stay in control of the plane. Okaay? But, if he doesn’t, you canNOT act crazy!
[ she retreats to the cabin, with a quick smile back ]
[ the passengers steadily grow worried, unsure of what is going on ]
[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #2: Uh, ladies and gentlemen — we have decided to land in the oceaaan.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
Male Passenger: What?!
Female Passenger: The ocean?!
[ Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Okay, folks! Folks, folks! Please calm down! We have decided NOT to land in the ocean. Okay? We have spoken with our control tower, and, apparently… the force of these winds are just gonna end up ripping the plane into different parts — okaaay? — before we land. Okay? So just make sure all your items are neatly stowed beneath you, uh, just in case the plane does… rip in half… you will have your items with yeeew… on your half.
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers are now visibly panicked ]
Female Passenger: You’re not supposed to say that..!
[ Flight Attendant #2 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #2: Ladies and gnetlemen… [ she sighs ] You’re not gonna like this… but… I just checked, and… we are all out of terra blue chips. So…
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers are incredulous at this lack of priority ]
[ Flight Attendant #1 returns to the PA ]
Flight Attendant #1: Ladies and gentlemen! I know, I know — there are no chips. I know. Listen, you really need to calm down, okay? Because the pilot… is in the cockpit… and he is crying… and freaking out, and… screaming, and shaking. Okay? He just got sick… on some of his buttons. Okay? So I’m gonna need y’all to be my strong bunch. [ she grins ] Okay? I’m gonna see if I can sneak you guys some pretzels!
[ she retreats to the cabin ]
[ the passengers argue amongst themselves about the misplaced priority regarding the pretzels ]
[ Flight Attendants #1 and #2 returns to the PA at the same time ]
Together: Okay, ladies and gentlemen — [ they express shock and talk over themselves ] Oh, my God..! Yew came out at the same time..? What the heck are we doing..? I can’t believe we did that..!
Male Passenger: [ interrupting ] Hey! Hey! What the hell’s happening? This isn’t funny.
Flight Attendant #2: No, sir. You’re right, this is not funny. But, you know what is? The show “Monk”.
Flight Attendant #1: [ amused ] Oh, my gosh! You do NOT stop talking about “Monk”, starring Tony Shaloub! I’m gonna have to start calling you Rhonda “Monk” Wilson!
Flight Attendant #2: What?! Why?! Who’s that?!
Flight Attendant #1: It’s yeew! Yew love “Monk”!
Flight Attendant #2: But mah name’s not Rhonda Wilson! It’s Carla — Carla Gillepsie! I don’t get it!
Flight Attendant #1: I mean, what’s to get?! I gave you a new name, with “Monk” in the middle! You love “Monk”!
Flight Attendant #2: So?! Why do I need a new name with my favorite TV show in the middle of it?!
Flight Attendant #1: I was trying something! I made a mistake!
Female Passenger: Okay, excuse me? Ladies!
Male Passenger: Ladies!
Female Passenger: Can you please just tell us what’s going on?!
[ the other passengers join in the chorus ]
Flight Attendant #1: Okay… okay… ladies and gentlemen… ladies and gentlemen… okay, here is the update — please. What is happening is this: Carla and I are fighting… because I put “Monk” in the middle of her name, and that wasn’t her —
Male Passenger: That’s not what we’re talking about!
Female Passenger: That’s not what we’re talking about! What’s wrong with the plane? Are we gonna die?!
Flight Attendant #1: Ma’am… from what I do know about these things… it does depend on where you’re sitting. But I don’t know. I don’t know. [ she glances to the passenger across the aisle and whispers ] You guys are fine… you guys are fine.
[ the other passengers can her this, and start arguing about it ]
Voice of Pilot: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. Looks like we’re going to attempt a landing. However, we’re almost out of fuel, annnnd the landing gear’s not going to be down.
[ there’s a delayed reaction as the passengers loudly panic ]
Flight Attendant #2: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, please do not panic. We’re just gonna glide right on in!
Flight Attendant #1: Uh, at about 700 miles per hour. You know what? But don’t worry, we’re gonna ask for some pat.
Flight Attendant #2: And foam!
Flight Attendant #1: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna get you guys those pretzels. I’m gonna get those pretzels!
[ they retreat into the cabin ]
Female Passenger: We don’t want pretzels!!
[ more panic and unrest, as the camera pulls back ]
[ open on C-Span card: “NEXT: Colonel Moammer Gadhafi speaks to the United Nation’s General Assembly” ]
Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the United Nations General Assembly, where Colonel Moammer Gadhafi is returning to the lectern to address criticism of his speech Wednesday morning.
[ dissolve to Gadhafi at the lectern; He speaks rapidly in his foreign tongue as a translator outlines the highlights of his speech. ]
Translator V/O: Hello… I am here today to apologize for my speech on Wednesday. It was just so long, and so rambling, and it didn’t make any sense. I watched a tape of it, and I was like, “Who is that guy?” But allow me to explain. As I mentioned in my speech on Wednesday… I was suffering from extreme jet lag. Just to explain the scope of this jet lag… my home in Libya is six hours ahead of New York. Six. Can you imagine this? If it is nine a.m. here… it is three p.m. there. If it is one p.m. here, it is seven a.m. there. I could go on, but… I believe you get the picture. [ quickly ] Four p.m. — ten p.m. That will be my last example. No man who is six hours away from where his natural body clock is telling him he is… can be held to account for his words or actions. When it’s lunch time here… I want dinner. This is no way to live!
On top of this mind-bending jet lag, I have also been having problems with my giant tent. For those of you who do not know: when I travel, I have a large tent that I like to bring with me. For this, I am scorned as some kind of weirdo. Despite my high diplomatic station… my tent and I were turned away by Central Park… Westchester County… and, worst of all, Inglewood, New Jersey. Imagine me, the world’s longest-serving leader, agreeing to stay in Inglewood, New Jersey as a last resort… only to be told that Inglewood, New Jersey, did not want me. Inglewood, New Jersey! Lets just say I will not be flying home to brag about that… both because it is embarrassing and also because, with the time difference… anyone I would call home to in Libya will be sound asleep. Try to wrap your head around that.
So I was dealing with both jet lag and a tent situation. Making matters worse… the computer with my speech crashed. So I had to write one at the last minute on loose leaf paper. And that made me look crazy. This was crushing, because I had written my speech on the plane ride here… instead of watching the in-flight movie “Taken” staring Liam Neeson. Everyone - and I mean everyone — on the plane was watching “Taken”. Imagine trying to write a speech, while out of the corner of your eye the great Liam Neeson… is running through Paris trying to recover his daughter… stopping everyone who gets in his way with both his intellect and his strength. This was no fun for me. But I made the sacrifice and I wrote my speech. Then — boom! — computer crash. Turned it on, and there was that rainbow pinwheel. [ he looks offscreen ] What is that called? The pinwheel when your computer crashes? It looks like the Trivia Pursuit piece with all the pies? It has no name? Ohhhh, well.
I considered taking my computer to an IT specialist, but — wothout going into too many details — there are things on my computer that I would not want anyone to see. And, no — it is not terrorist stuff. It was just “guy” stuff. Do not judge me! Every guy here knows what I’m talking about. Ahmadinejad knows what I’m talking about! [ Gadhafi laughs ] He will deny it… but he denies everything. If you do not get that joke… it is a reference to him denying the Holocaust.
What else has gone wrong? Oh! I forgot to pack my ceremonial robes with the giant, black Africa medallion… so we had to drive all the way to Flatbush Island to replace it. There goes an hour!
Okay. They’re giving me the “wrap it up” sign. In closing, I think Obama is a great Son of Africa… Vishnu (?) is coming, and you can’t stop it… and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Megan Fox: Thank you to U2. Um – I want to say thank you to the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you SO much for letting me do this. And, once again, here’s U2!
[ the camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]
U2: [ singing ] “Sometimes I feel like I don’t know Sometimes I feel like checkin’ out I want to get it wrong Can’t always be strong And love it won’t be long.
Oh sugar, don’t you cry Oh child, wipe the tears from your eyes You know I need you to be strong And the day is as dark as the night is long I feel like trash, you make me feel clean I’m in the black, but can’t see or be seen Baby, baby, baby…light my way (alright now) Baby, baby, baby…light my way.
You bury your treasure Where it can’t be found But your love is like a secret That’s been passed around There is a silence that comes to a house Where no one can sleep I guess it’s the price of love I know it’s not cheap.
(oh, come on) Baby, baby, baby…light my way (oh, come on) Baby, baby, baby…light my way….”
Crystal…..Megan Fox Singles…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis, Jenny Slate, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott, Fred Armisen, Emily Spivey, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte
[ open on sexy girl, Crystal, leaning across lips-shaped couch laughing on the telephone ]
Crystal: Ha ha! That was good flirting! [ she holds the phone down and addresses the camera in a vapid manner ] Hi. I’m Crystal. Despite my name and appearance, we mean for this commercial to take place in 2009. Why go out, when you can join the best party in town — right from your own bedroom. If you like to laugh, flirt, or maybe more: call live lounge. You’ll be connected instatly to thousands of local singles:
[ cut to each weird singles pesonality type ]
* people who like excitement.
* people who like fun.
* people who are waiting to chat with you.
[ return to Crystal on the couch ]
Crystal: But that’s not all. If you call live lounge, you’ll also meet:
[ cut to each weird singles pesonality type ]
* people who are masturbating.
* people with extreme social disorders.
* foreign men who don’t understand how America works.
* groups of laughing teenage boys at sleepovers.
* women who want to be murdered.
* murderers.
* people who have been awake for so long they no longer have boundaries.
* wives who found this number on their husband’s phone bill.
* people who do that belt-choke sex thing.
* and David Duchovny.
[ return to Crystal on the couch ]
Crystal: So call now, and you’ll be connected to ALL these great people. Who knows, maybe you’ll even hear from me.
[ she returns the phone to her ear ]
Announcer: [ quickly ] You will not hear from her!
[ SUPER: “live lounge: 1-800-555-0199” ]
Announcer: [ with text scroll ] “Live Lounge is free for a fraction of a second and then becomes very expensive.”
Announcer: [ with text scroll ] “Live Lounge will be a recurring charge on your credit card. If you try to cancel Live Lounge, we will tell people you use Live Lounge.”
Announcer: [ with quick text scroll ] “Live Lounge is owned by the Russian Mafia.”
…..Megan Fox Male Audience Member…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Megan Fox!
Megan Fox: Thank you! Thank you, thank you. It is — it is so amazing to be here hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”, and it is so cool to be here. It feels like I’m in a dream. And, based on the way they dressed me, I guess it’s a 13-year-old boy’s dream.
Some of you may know me from the “Transformers” movies, and — [ applause ] and some of you may know me from TV. But — [ she laughs ] most of you probably know me from naked pictures on the internet. [ the audience whistles ] There are a lot of those out there, which is weird because I don’t remember ever posing nude. But, I mean, I must have because how else could they exist, right? Like this one.
[ reveal obviously fake photo posted in front of a monster truck ]
Megan Fox: This is me at a monster truck rally. I don’t remember going to a monster truck rally, or taking off my clothes — but that’s definitely me. It’s interesting to see nude pictures of yourself because it gives you an honest sense of how you look. Like in this next picture, my head is just way, way too big for my body.
[ reveal fake photo ]
Megan Fox: And other times, way too small.
[ reveal fake photo ]
Megan Fox: And, also, sometimes —
Male Audience Member: Excuse me! Miss Fox?
Megan Fox: Oh, there is a question?
Male Audience Member: Yeah. hi, Megan. I’ve seen a lot of those online pictures because I’m, uh, “interested in computers”. In fact, I’ve seen thousands. And, uh, some of them look like they might be fake.
Megan Fox: No, of course they’re real. They’re on the internet, so —
Male Audience Member: Oh! What a relief! Okay. In that case, would you sign this? It’s kind of my favorite?
Megan Fox: Sure.
[ he brings up another fake photo, blown up to poster-sized ]
Male Audience Member: Here you go. I blew it up to poster size on my home scanner.
Megan Fox: Well, I really don’t remember taking that one.
Male Audience Member: Probably the, uh — the paparazzi, right?
Megan Fox: Right.
[ he laughs heartily, as Fox high-fives him ]
Male Audience Member: [ staring at his hand ] Wow. Thank you.
[ he returns to his seat ]
Megan Fox: It’s the least I could do. Uh — we have a great show. U2 is here. [ cheers and applause ] Here’s a picture of them.
[ reveal fake photo ]
Megan Fox: So stick around, and we will be right back.
[Opens with a shot of the city at night. Romantic piano plays. Cut to an elegant balcony/restaurant. A man and an extremely beautiful woman share a romantic dinner together]
Woman: So, you’re having a good time?
Man: [extremely shy] Yeah.
Woman: Wow, you have a really nice smile. You’re teeth are like…perfect.
Man: [shy, almost childlike] I’m gonna tell my dentist you said that. He’s really self-conscious and that’s gonna make him feel really good. You make me feel really good.
Woman: Well, the feeling’s mutual. Because you are making me feel real good right now too.
Man: I’m so glad.
Woman: So how long have you been a Swat Team Commander?
Man: A long time.
Woman: So how did you get outta work?
Man: I didn’t. I’m supposed to be in a drug bust and I bailed on it.
Woman: Oh, my God! Are you gonna get in trouble?
Man: I don’t care. Cause I like you.
Woman: I like you too.
Man: [softly] Yeah.
Woman: So, when you’re not doing Swat things, what other things do you like to do?
Man: I raise lambs.
Woman: You raise lambs?!
Man: I do. I raise lambs. I have a little pasture and I bottle feed them. And once they get to a certain age I, for a lack of a better term, slaughter them. And then sell their meats to restaurants and jerky distributors.
Woman: It must be really hard for you.
Man: [voice cracking, almost crying] It’s really hard. I love my lambs. I love them so much and it’s hard.
Woman: [touched] Sorry.
Man: [disturbingly sad] I have this nightmares. And then I wake up drenched in sweat. And then I got to go into work at Command Swat.
Woman: You are so brave. And I am so grateful that I have known you. And you will never, ever gonna be alone again.
Man: Are you asking me to marry you?
Woman:[loving smile] I think that I am. Yeah.
[Man tenderly touches her cheek]
Man: No f…in’ way.
[Man gets up and leaves the beautiful woman alone at the table]
…..Megan Fox …..Andy Samberg Optimus Prime…..Bobby Moynihan Bumblebee…..Brian Austin Green
FADE IN:
INT. MEGAN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
[ Megan comes in the door with groceries. Andy’s behind her with a DVD. ]
Megan Fox: I’m really excited its Movie Night!
Andy Samberg: Yeah! I’m finally glad we’re doing it.
Megan Fox: Um, I hope you don’t mind, but I asked my roommate if he wanted to watch with us. Is that okay?
Andy Samberg: Yeah! Sure!
Megan Fox: Okay.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
[ An overweight man in a bathrobe wearing an Optimus Prime mask from “Transformers” rests on the couch. ]
Megan Fox: Hello, Optimus!
[ MUSIC: DRAMATIC ]
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Megan — I’m pleased you have returned! Who is your friend?
Megan Fox: Andy — this is Optimus; Optimus — this is Andy.
Andy Samberg: Uh, hi…
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Hello Andy!
Megan Fox: I’m going to put the groceries away.
[ Megan heads to the kitchen. ]
[ MUSIC: DRAMATIC ]
Optimus Prime: Megan — Godspeed on your journey to the kitchen.
[ Andy seats himself next to Optimus. ]
Andy Samberg: So…
[ Optimus turns to Andy. ]
Optimus Prime: [as Bobby Moynihan] Dude, you seriously need to get the fuck out of here!
Andy Samberg: What?
Optimus Prime: [asBobby Moynihan] You gotta go bro — you gotta get outta of here, man!
Andy Samberg: I’m sorry?
[ Megan has two glasses of fruit punch in her hands. ]
Megan Fox: I hope juice is okay for everybody because that’s all I have.
[ MUSIC: DRAMATIC ]
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Megan, juice sounds like a wise choice. For no one will be thirsty tonight.
Megan Fox: Thanks! I’m so excited to see this movie!
Andy Samberg: Yeah… me too. Hey Megan, can I talk to you for a second?
Megan Fox: Yeah — I’m going to go get the popcorn first.
[ Megan returns to the kitchen. ]
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Megan — the state of the planet — [as Bobby Moynihan] Seriously dude, I will fuck you up! You need to bounce now!!
Andy Samberg: Are you serious!?
[ Megan re-enters holding two bowls of popcorn and places them on the coffee table. ]
Megan Fox: Popcorn!
Andy Samberg: Megan, can I seriously ask you something near the kitchen?
Megan Fox: Yeah…
[ Megan and Andy go near the kitchen. ]
Andy Samberg: What is the deal with your roommate!?
Megan Fox: What do you mean? Optimus?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. Does he wear the mask all the time?
Megan Fox: He’s Optimus Prime… We met on the “Transformers” set.
[ Megan and Andy glance over at “Optimus” pulling up his mask to munch on the popcorn. ]
Andy Samberg: He’s eating popcorn!
Megan Fox: Andy, he’s my roommate. Don’t be jealous, okay?
Andy Samberg: Okay?
[ Megan and Andy head back but are shocked to see “Optimus” exposing himself on the couch slouched. ]
Megan Fox: Optimus, it happened again — you “transformed”.
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Oh! I transformed without realizing! I guess I’ll “transform” back!
[ “Optimus” stands up, mimicking bolts ans gears operating with his mouth, pulls up his boxer shorts, and closes his bathrobe.]
Andy Samberg: What!?
[ A man in a “Bumblebee” mask wielding a knife storms in. ]
Bumblebee: Hands in the air! This is a robbery.
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Bumblebee! What are you doing!?
Bumblebee: Sorry old friend. Now hand over your energon cubes!
Megan Fox: Don’t do it, Optimus!
Andy Samberg: Omigod.
Optimus Prime: [cheerful robot] Step aside, Megan — I’ll take care of this.
[ Andy throws his arms up in the air and sighs but follows Megan and stepsaside. The two “Autobots” come face to face. ]
Optimus Prime: TRANSFORM!!
[ SFX: AUTOBOTS INTO FULL BATTLE MODE ]
[ The two twirl around one another and contort their bodies in variousways. Megan and Andy stare in amazement. Camera pans back to show theAutobots face to face, dropping the lower half of their clothing to exposetheir penises. ]
[ TITLE CARD: TRANSFORMERS ]
[ MUSIC: “TRANSFORMERS” ANIMATED THEME SONG ]
[ Andy turns to the camera and laughs. ]
[ SUPER: ANDY SAMBERG ]
[ Megan turns to the camera and does a “fist cheer”. ]
[ SUPER: MEGAN FOX ]
[ “Optimus” waves goodbye. ]
[ SUPER: OPTIMUS PRIME ]
[ “Bumblebee” rips of his mask to REVEAL Brian Austin Green. Brian flashesa grin and gives a thumbs up. ]
…..Seth Meyers Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson Judy Grimes…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
After this week’s dramatic revelation that Iran has built a secret nuclear facility, one of the administration officials said of Iran that they have cheated three times and they have now been caught three times, which explains Ahmadinejad’s nickname: “Jon Gosselin of the Middle East.”
The G-20 summit was held this week in Pittsburgh. When asked, most Americans said they don’t really know what the G-20 is about, but said it probably has something to do with Gatorade.
While addressing the UN General Assembly, Wednesday, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi called President Obama “My son”, after which Glenn Beck’s new book just up and wrote itself.
During his address, Gadhafi renewed his call for Isratine, which would be one state made up of Israelis and Palestinians, or, as it’s known here, Queens.
Yeah! We figured it out.
Hopefully, his call for Isratine will be taken more seriously than his call for Afghanisfrance.
in an interview with Larry King, Michael Moore said that capitalism has proven that it is it has failed. King nodded, then asked him if he still kept in the touch with the rest of the cast of “Roseanne”.
A woman this week in Jakarta, Indonesia, gave birth to a 19.2 pound, two-foot long baby. I guess my only question is: A baby what?
The new mom said she was beside herself, but only because she was split in two.
Seth Meyers: This week, some of Europe’s most powerful nations came together with the U.S. for the G-20 summit. Here to comment is the top Def Jam comedian in France, Paris’ own Jean K. Jean.
Jean K. Jean: Bonjour, everybody! Bon to the jour, Seth. Hey, Seth — y’all got free health care for all your citizens yet? I’m just playin’!
Seth Meyers: Okay, Jean. So, France played a big role at this year’s G-20 summit.
Jean K. Jean: Oh, hell yeah, we did! I love the G-20 summit. That’s where we get to show the world how France DOES it, y’all! Nicholas Sarkozy shows up with Carla Bruni on his arm, and — BAM!! It’s three rivers of champagne flowing in Pittsburgh. You ever seen Carla Bruni? Man, it’s like Jay-Z said: Sarkozy got 99 problems, but the bitch ain’t, unh! I seen Sarkozy up in da club this week, making it rain Euros. Man, Sarkozy’s such a player, he makes Justin Timberlake look like Gerard Depardieu. Zuts alors! [ he jumps up and dances for a beat, then sits ] Incre-able!
Lots of protests outside the G-20 summit. It’s crazy, man. When I was growing up, if we was unruly like that, our mamas would beat us. Your mama would beat ya’ll, right? She’d pull out that belt. Y’all remember the belt? The chanel one? With the gold lame buckle? Man, she beat you so bad, your ass would be burning like the ovens at Au Bon Pain! Zuts alors! [ he jumps up again to dance, then sits ] Incre-able!
Speaking of international issues, you see what was popping at the UN this week, Seth? Lots of crazy ass speeches. We put Gadhafi on blast, though. You see how them diplomats walked out on him? Talking about how the U.S. and Europe are the terrorists. Bitch, take your ass back to your tent, and go back to spraying that jheri curl! You see Gadhafi’s jheri curl, Seth? It looks like his name should be Moammar DeBarge. Man, Gadhafi’s jheri curl is so greasy, brothers be using his hair drippings to fry up their pan crepes! Zuts alors! [ he jumps up to dance, as Seth moves with him ] Incre-able!
Zuts alors! I’m out!
Seth Meyers: Jean to the K to the Jean, everyone! Incre-able, as always! Always, incre-able.
A man in Texas, who was apparently upset after finding a soda can in his room, allegedly used a sword to cut two of his roommates. Boy, if there had only been some red flags with this guy. Oh, yeah — he owned a sword!
The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation is telling drivers to be sure to avoid moose on the roads as they enter mating season — as opposed to plowing your car right into the humping moose like you were planning on.
It was reported this week that a woman in Arkansas became pregnant with a baby boy two weeks after she learned she was already pregnant. Arkansas: where even being pregnant doesn’t stop you from getting pregnant.
A British store is launching a line of underpants for left-handed man to save them time in the bathroom. Let me save you some more time: No one uses the wiener slot.
Census statistics relased this week show that indiana’s Wayne County has the nation’s highest divorce rate, at 19%. Raising the question: What are the children of Wayne County doing to break up all those marriages?
Seth Meyers: It was good news for travelers this week, as some industry experts predicted that 2010 will be the year of the travel deal. Here to comment, prominent travel writer Judy Grimes.
[ Judy appears, staring tensely at the camera without speaking ]
Seth Meyers: Judy? Judy, are you okay?
Judy Grimes: [ in a funny voice ] Hiiiiiiii! [ in her normal, speedy voice ] Just kidding, I don’t say “Hi” like that — I say “Hi” like this: [ deeply ] Hi. Just kidding, that’s my man voice — Just kidding, it isn’t — this is my man voice: Hel-lo! Just kidding — it was the first one, but I never use it. Just kidding — I do, I do when I’m home alone and want to order food. Just kidding — I don’t eat. Just kidding — I do. Just kidding, just kidding… [ she blinks rapidly ]
Seth Meyers: Judy, um, you’ve appeared on the show several times now, and I’ve told you there is nothing to be nervous about.
Judy Grimes: I’m not nervous.
Seth Meyers: You’re not?
Judy Grimes: No. I’m not nervous at all. Just kidding — I am, but it’s all under control. Just kidding — it’s not under control, it’s under a bus. Just kidding — there’s no bus in here, but there’s one on the corner. Just kidding — there’s no bud. Just kidding — there is, and it comes at 10:00, 12:00, 2:00 and 4:30. Just kidding — it comes at 11:15, 2:30, 6:15, and 7:00. Just kidding — that’s not it, but the nighttime schedule is changing and it’s not out yet. Just kidding — it is out. it’s out on the town with its new girlfriend, I wonder where they’re going? Just kidding — schedules can’t have girlfriends. Just kidding — they can, I dated one. Just kidding — I did, but it didn’t work out. Just kidding — [ she blinks rapidly ]
Seth Meyers: Judy, listen — [ looking toward her lap ] what, what is that? what do you have down there?
Judy Grimes: It’s a chart. I brought it in case this happened…
Seth Meyers: Well, great! Okay, awesome! A chart. This will be helpful, okay. [ she holds up the homemade chart ] Do you have anything..? [ Judy pulls out a pointer ] Oh, good! Look at that, this is going to be great. You’re just going to walk us through it. [ she lengthens her pointer ] Don’t be nervous.
[ Judy hesitantly points her pointer to each incline on the chart ]
Judy Grimes: Just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — I’m just kidding — Just kidding — Just kidding —
Seth Meyers: Judy! Judy, you can do this. Just tell us one travel tip.
Judy Grimes: American Airlines’ frequent flier program will give you 5,000 bonus miles just for signing up.
Seth Meyers: See? You did it! That was amazing!
Judy Grimes: Just kidding — that offer doesn’t exist. Just kidding — it’s for ladies. Just kidding — it’s for everyone but ladies. Just kidding — it’s not for anyone because I just made it up. Just kidding — it does exist, but it’s only for scientists. Just kidding — it’s for farmers. Just kidding — I’m a farmer. I’m a cherry farmer! Just kidding — I’m cherry scientist. Just kidding — I’m not, I study grapes. Just kidding — grapes study me, and I’ve seen the reports. Just kidding — I have, but they’re locked away. Just kidding — the grapes are locked away because I put them in jail. Just kidding — they were found innocent. Just kidding — they were guilty, and I was the judge. All rise for the Honorable Judy Grimes — bang, bang, bang! Just kidding — I’m not really a judge, but I do like to boogie. Just kidding — I don’t know how to boogie, but I can tell a good joke: Knock knock. Who’s there? Just kidding. Just kidding — I’m there! Can you let me in? I forgot my keys and my hands are full of groceries. Just kidding — my hands are free, but the door’s locked. John, are you home? Just kidding — I live alone, I’m nowhere near my house. Just kidding — I’m in my house right now. Just kidding — we live together. Just kidding — Can you please do your dishes? I’m not your maid. Just kidding — travel… just kidding.
Seth Meyers: Judy Grimes, everyone! Still so nervous!
In New York, nannies from Tibet are the most sought after caregivers for a family in the city. The second most sought after caregivers in New york City? Parents.
A former IBM employee who was fired for visiting an adult chat room while at work, is arguing that post traumatic stress stemming from vietnam had turned him into an internet sex addict. He said the hardest part was coming home from Vietnam and having to wait twenty years for the internet to be invented.
It was reported Sunday that Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov closed a deal giving him ownership of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets. Even worse, he plans to change the team’s name to the Nyets.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
Friend’s Mom…..Kristen Wiig …..Megan Fox Friend’s Voice…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on Megan Fox leaning against a basement washing machine, as her friend’s mom folds laundry ]
Announcer: [ with title SUPER ] And now, “Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready.”
Friend’s Mom: She should be down in a few minutes.
Megan Fox: Oh… thanks.
Friend’s Mom: Is it “Mee-gan”, or “Meg-an”, or –?
Megan Fox: It’s Megan.
Friend’s Mom: Oh. [she continues folding ] So you did, uh — you did the, uh — the movie, uh — “Transforms”?
Megan Fox: Oh, it’s actually called “Transformers.”
Friend’s Mom: Ohhh! Okay! I only saw the preview for it. Did it get made?
Megan Fox: It did. Yes.
Friend’s Mom: Congrats! I hear it’s a tough business. [ she points a finger ] So, you used to work in fashion shows, is that right?
Megan Fox: Uh, yeah — kind of. I mean, I did some catalog modeling when I was younger.
Friend’s Mom: Let me tell you — in college, I did a model show, just something for the local “out there” mall. There was this blouse I wanted to wear, that had pearl buttons, but they put me in a French turtleneck instead. Anyway, the show was cancelled ’cause someone brought a knife into the Macy’s, and Security made us evacuate. But… they didn’t ask for the turtleneck back — when God closes one door, he opens another. [ she continues folding a pair of shorts ] You want something to eat? I got a Sara Lee poundcake in the freezer, I can thaw that out.
Megan Fox: [ waving her off ] I’m okay, thank you.
Friend’s Mom: You sure? Thirsty? You want a glass of Slice?
Megan Fox: I’m good. I’m good, thanks.
Friend’s Mom: So… what kind of crowd you run around in?
Megan Fox: Uhhh — I don’t really go out that much, just ’cause I’m really busy. So, when I do have time for myself, I just want to be with, you know, close friends.
Friend’s Mom: Oh. I hear what you’re saying. Yeah. But make time for this: When I was a young woman, I had an opportunity to dance. I was at a music tryout for a redo of “West Side Story”, and I got partnered with — get this — Rick Moranis! Okay? Now, you have to remember: back then, he was no one. This was way before “Ghost Hunters”. So, anyway, after the audition, he asked me to come back to his place, and — let’s put it this way: I think I made the right decision!
Megan Fox: [ confused ] Wait a minute… Are you saying that you…?
Friend’s Mom: Yes! I could have made love to Rick Moranis. But I didn’t. I was dating my husband at the time, and now, however many years later, I still have no regrets. But, don’t worry: One day you’ll have your Rick Moranis moment. [ she continues folding her laundry ] What about you, you, uh — I hear you’re dating Jason Priestly, right?
Megan Fox: Uh — no. No.
Friend’s Mom: Are you sure? ‘Cuase I saw it on “Regis”. [ she shakes her head ] Are you sure I can’t get you a can of Slice?
Megan Fox: No, thank you! [ she laughs ]
Friend’s Mom: Okay. Oh, let me ask you this: In the movie you did, “The Transforms” — were the robot cars puppets, or CSI?
Megan Fox: They were CGI.
Friend’s Mom: You know what kind of movie you should do? This is just my opinion… but I love movies where the girl’s just been through a big break-up, and she swears off men and then she meets the man of her dreams, but she doesn’t know it’s him at first because she hates him… but it growws into love, and then at the end he screws up a little, but not enough to where he can’t redeem himself, but big enough to where they break up… and then he remembers she’s attending a dressy event, so he shows up, and, in front of everyone, he tells her: “I really do love you!” And everyone applauds, and he saiys, “I just, I got nervous!” [ she grins ] Yuo should do one of those movies.
Megan Fox: You know, I like those movies, too — romantic comedies.
Friend’s Mom: Yeah — ohhhh! You know who should play the man? Pierce Brosnan. His movies do very well.
Friend’s Voice: Megan, I’m done!
Megan Fox: Okay, coming!
Friend’s Mom: Hey, one more thing. If I could give you any advice, it would be this: Enjoy the journey, and I think you’re gonna be okay, kiddo.
Megan Fox: Thanks for the talk, Mrs. G.
Friend’s Mom: Any time, any time.
[ Megan finally runs free, as her Friend’s mom lifts up a large pair of underwear ]
Friend’s Mom: Hey, whose are these? What?
Announcer: [ with title SUPER ] This has been “Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready.”
