For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Goodnights
…..Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift: This is “Saturday Night Live”! I can NOT believe this is happening to me right now! Thanks to Amy Poehler for ocming out. Thanks to my band. Thanks to Lorne Michaels, every single person on this stage. This has been the best week of my life, and thank you so, so much for having me, you guys. Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Taylor Swift’s Monologue
…..Taylor Swift
Security Agents…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Taylor Swift!
Taylor Swift: Oh! Thank you! Oh, thank you so much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I have wanted to host this show… ever since I was a little kid. Staying up past my bedtime to watch Bill Hader and Andy Samberg… [ she sighs ]
Being here is incredible. I’m excited, and I’m nervous, and, you know, whenever I’m feeling strong emotions about something like this… I usually write a song about it. [ a guitar is handed up to her ] So this is what I came up with. It’s called: “Monologue Song (La La La)”.
[ singing ]
“I like glitter and sparkly dresses
but Im not going to talk about that… in my monologue.
I like baking and things that smell like winter
but Im not going to talk about that… in my monologue.
La la la
La la la.
I like writing songs about douchebags who cheat on me
but Im not gonna say that… in my monologue.
I like writing their names into songs so they are ashamed to go in public
but Im not gonna say that… in my monologue.La la
La la la la
This is… my musical monologue.
You might think Id bring up Joe, that guy who broke up with me on the phone
but Im not going to mention him… in my monologue.”
Hey, Joe! Im doing really well! I’m hosting “SNL”!
“But I’m not gonna talk about that… in my monologue.
La la la,
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
La la la.
And if youre wondering if I might be dating the werewolf from “Twilight”…
[ she waves, whispers: “Hi, Taylor!”, and blows a kiss ]
Im not gonna comment on that… in my monologue.
La la
La la la la
This is… my musical monologue.
You might be expecting me to say something bad about Kanye,
and how he ran up on the stage and ruined my VMA monologue.
[ she sighs ]
But theres nothing more to say, because everything is okay
I’ve got security lining the stage!
[ two security agents step behind Swift and hold up a profile drawing of Kanye West ]
This is my SNL monologue.
La la
La la la la
This is… my SNL monologue.
La la
La la la la
That was… my SNL monologue.”
[ finish ]
Taylor Swift: We have a great show! Kanye West is not here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Penelope
Andy…..Andy Samberg
June…..Taylor Swift
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Deejay….Will Forte
Bride…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, wedding reception, Andy and June standing in the middle of the room ]
Andy: Wow… what a touching ceremony. I’ve never been to a wedding where so many people cried.
June: I know! Nicole looked SO beautiful. I’m so glad I brought tissues.
[ suddenly, Penelope sidles into the conversation, tugging at the strands of her hair ]
Penelope: I brought tissues, too… Probably more tissues than you. I also brought paper towels, a beach towel, a sponge, and a Shamwow! I used them all up, they’re wet… So, I guess Im just a little more emotional than everyone else…
Andy: Oh. Honey, this is Penelope.
June: [ not sure how to approach someone like Penelope ] Hi. I’m June. I went to high school with Nicole.
Penelope: I went to college with Nicole, so… and her parents, and her neighbors… we all lived together in a dorm… I also went to school with the deejay, too, so… I probably know everyone here a little better than you.
June: Well, it’s, uh — it’s nice to meet you.
[ cut to the deejay ]
Deejay: Hi, everybody! Two announcements. One: I hope you’re ready to boogie tonight. [ the room claps ] Two: While we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we’d like you all to take your seats, your salads have been served.
[ Penelope sidles in holding an empty plate ]
Penelope: I already ate my salad, so… It’s my tenth salad today, so… I have a salad bar in my car!
Deejay: So, anyway, uh —
Penelope: The steering wheel is a big crouton! And it runs on bleu cheese dressing.
[ cut to Andy and June seated at a table ]
Andy: Wow, this table is beautiful. Look at all these cute little boxes.
June: My God, they are so cute… [ she opens one of the boxes ] Oh, my God! They have M&Ms in them!
Penelope: [ now seated next to them ] At my wedding, we had M&M&Ms, so… Just a few more Ms on our candy, so a little bit bigger, a little better. We also had L&L and O&O and Q&Qs… It’s a little better than M&Ms… they’re from Iceland, they’re known for their chocolate.
Andy: Really.
[ cut to the deejay ]
Deejay: Alright, everybody, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for! If I could get you to look that way!
[ cut to Penelope, wearing horse blinders ]
Penelope: I’m already looking that way already, so… It’s the only way I’m looking, so I guess I’m just a little more focused than everyone else.
June: [ aghast ] Are those horse blinders?! Really?!
Deejay: Now, everyone, I would like to introduce for the VERY fist time ever: Mr. & Mrs. Nicole and Steve Parker!
[ the happy couple enters the room, as Todd Rundgren’s “Band On the Drum All Day” plays ]
June: They look so cute!
[ the couple raise their arms triumphantly, then, all of a sudden, Penelope is squeezed between them holding up her arms linked within theirs ]
June: Oh, my God! What is she doing?!
Bride: Thanks so much for coming, everyone! It means so much that you’re all here tonight!
Groom: Yeah, but don’t drink too much, I still have to pay for the honeymoon!
Bride: Yeah!
[ Penelope pops up from the floor ]
Penelope: I just got back from my honeymoon, so… We went to the moon, actually, it’s made of honey…
[ Penelope lowers herslf out of frame ]
Groom: Well, uh — enjoy your dinners, everyone!
[ the happy couple approaches the main table ]
June: What was she doing up there? that is so rude!
Andy: June, relax, okay? Let’s just have a good time. Why don’t you clink your glass, so they have to kiss? You love doing that at weddings.
June: [ smiling ] I do love seeing people kiss at weddings!
[ they each clink their forks upon their glasses, but the sound is soon drowned out by a louder clinking ]
[ cut to Penelope clinking an oversized glass ]
[ nevertheless, the happy couple kiss ]
June: Penelope is RUINING this entire reception!
Andy: Look — you making a scene isn’t going to make it any better.
June: Well, she’s ruining their day!
[ Penelope pop up between them from the floor ]
Penelope: This is my day, so… I bought it from the government, it’s National Penelope Day in fourteen countries. The children celebrate by running into the streets. The Post Office is closed, but I still get my mail, so…
June: Really?!
Andy: Honey…
June: Wow! [ she stands to ocnfront Penelope ] “National Penelope Dat”?! [ Penelope nods ] Well, you know what? The month of June was actually named after me. And, uh, you know what else? Uh, every night before I go to sleep, I take my feet off. And if I close my eyes REAL tight, I can, uh — oh! — I can watch “Toy Story on my eyelids! And… my moms a roller coaster, and I was born in the, uh — in the 1930s! [ she begins to tug at the strands of her hair ] So what do you have to say about that, Penelope? Uhhh…
Penelope: Well, I guess all I can say is that: Before I go to sleep, my feet take me off and they go to bed! When I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies On-Demand. I can choose whatever I want, so… Its free, because I know a guy. My mom is Six Flags, my dads Busch Gardens, so… Whenever I want to, I can turn into a black-and-white movie star from the 1930s…
June: Are you serious?! Are you kidding me right now?!
Andy: [ jumping to his feet ] Why don’t we just go relax and get something to drink, okay?
June: You know what? Let’s go to the bar… I need… drinks… [ she points a finger at Penelope ] Do NOT come with us!
Andy: Let’s just go.
[ they exit to the next room ]
[ Penelope is left standing alone at the table, although she has mysteriously acquired a mink wrap ]
Penelope: I don’t need to go to the bar, because I already had fifty margaritas, so…
[ suddenly, Penelope turns into black-and-white ]
Penelope: I’m gonna get in my black-and-white car now, but I’m not gonna drive because I’m drunk. So… just a little drunk right now.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Roomies
Lexie…..Nasim Pedrad
Bennett…..Andy Samberg
Anna…..Taylor Swift
Lexie: Honey, you sure you dont mind staying in tonight?
Bennett: Hey, it doesnt matter where we are, Lexi, as long as we are together.
Lexie: EWW, Bennet! Thats the worst!
Bennett: I know Im adorable right?
Lexie: Yes. You still wanna watch Master and Commander?
Bennett: Yeah, or we could play Master and Commander!
Lexie: BENNET! Stop it.
Bennett: Oh no. Is that your roommate?
Lexie: Yeeah. *gasp* ANNA!!!
Anna: Lexi, Im back!
TOGETHER: OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SOO MUCH! I missed you so much! I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU!!!
Lexie: Youre my everything!
Bennett: wow.. Have you been out of town or something?
Lexie: Nooo shes been at work. At her part time job at Bath and Body Works!
Anna: For TWO HOURS!!
TOGETHER: Oh I missed you! I love you soo much! Youre everything to me I missed you!
Lexie: Bath and Body Works is THE worst!
Anna: So is being away from you!
Lexie: BENNET!! Look whose here!
Bennett: Hi Anna.
Anna: BENNNNEEETT!!! What are we watching?
Lexie: Master and Commander, but not until you get in your jammies!
Anna: BENNNETT!
Lexie: Ohkay hurry.. hurry!
Anna: Okay I will.
Lexie: Oh wait dont go!
Anna: I have to.
Lexie:Dont go yet. dont go dont go dont go NOOO! Isnt she cool?
Bennett:Shes ah- shes definitely cool. Have you thought any more about getting your own place?
Lexie: Yeah kinda [ cell phone rings ] Oh my god Im sorry Im so sorry. Im gunna have to take this. Hello? Hi! How are you? Wha- What happened? OH Im just sitting here. Its Anna. Yeah hes still here.
Bennett: Shes calling you from the other room?
Lexie: Shhhh. Im sorry Hun what did you say? Aww I miss you too! Are you in your jammies yet? Well then come on out then. Oh ah- hahaha then see you soon! That was Anna.
Bennett: Yeah I know. Hey do you wanna go hang at my place?
Lexie: Oh I dunno. Anna just got here and I dont think shes gunna wanna go out.
Anna: Look I brought snacks!
Lexie: Snacks for my tummy!! Give it here. Give it here!
Anna: Do you want some blanket?
Lexie: Thank you!! awwwwwww
Anna: HEEY BENNETTT! Do you want some blanket!?
Bennett: Im Okay
Anna:BENNNEEET!! I missed you!
Lexie:I missed you too! Quit your job!
Anna:I want to so bad!
Lexie: Youre the only person I wanna hang out with! Hey I was gunna tell you something
Anna: *GASP* Hay is for horses and chicken and fish.
Lexie: Hit me three times and ill grant you a wish!
TOGETHER: 3,2,1, BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak (x4)BARRAK OBAMA!! Burrrrr..
Anna:Does he get it? Hey Bennet? Do you get it?
Lexie: *GASP* Hay is for horses and chicken and fish!
TOGETHER: Hit me three times and I’ll TRIPLE your wish. 3,2,1 BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak-
Bennett: Guys. GUYS! Look your inside jokes are really cute and everything but I dunno I thought tonight was gunna be just about us hangin out.
Lexie: Thats weird.
Anna:N-no I get it. I guess um- I guess Ill just head back to my room now.
Lexie: [ grabbing Anna’s leg ] no. No. Noo. NOo. NOO. NOOo. NOOO. NOOOO. NOOOOOOOOO
Bennett: Whats wrong?
Lexie: Nothing. Shes just like a really great person.
Bennett: You wanna hang out with Anna dont you?
Lexie: Oh- umm no Im totally fine with this.
Bennett: Look if it really means that much to you-
Lexie:Great. HEY ANNA!
Anna:Hay is for horses and chicken and fish.
TOGETHER: BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak. BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak. BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak. BAArak- aback-abak-abak-abak-abak-abak.
Submitted by: Nikki Daoust
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Carter N’ Sons BBQ
Ronnie Carter…..Bobby Moynihan
Father…..Fred Armisen
Mother…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Diner…..Andy Samberg
Elvis Impersonator…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on disclaimer ]
Announcer: “The following commercial was filmed in 2002 before the outbreak of the Swine Flu virus”
[ dissolve to commercial ]
Ronnie Carter: Hi! I’m Ronnie Carter! Come on down to Carter N’ Sons, where, one taste of our signature pulled pork barbecue, and you’ll have…
Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!
Ronnie Carter: YEEEEE-HAWWWWW!!!
[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]
Announcer: The management of Carter N’ Sons would like to clarify that “Swine Fever” is not related to the H1N1 Virus, or “Swine Flu”.
[ Ronnie Carter approaches a family dining in his restaurant ]
Ronnie Carter: Howdy, folks! Enjoying your meal?
Father: Enjoying it? Heck, I got Swine Fever!
Mother: I got it!
Kids: WE got it!!
Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!
Ronnie Carter: THIS Swine Fever is CONTAGIOUS!
[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]
Announcer: “Swine Fever” is a metaphor meant to symbolize a craving for Carter N’ Songs Barbecue. It was created for an ad campaign several years ago, well before the “Swine Flu” or H1N1 epidemic.
[ cut to Male Diner eating at table ]
Male Diner: My doctor said this Swine Fever’s gonna be the death of me!
[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]
Announcer: “Swine Fever” is not contagious and not even a medically classifiable disease.
Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!
[ cut to table full of barbecue, with SUPER: ]
Announcer: We promised to shoot a new commercial soon but we didn’t have the money because business has been way down due to the confusion about “Swine Fever”.
[ cut to Elvis impersonator holding up a rib ]
Elvis Impersonator: I got Swine Fever, and I gots it bad! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Ronnie Carter: One taste of Carter N’ Sons, and you’re GUARANTEED to leave with…
Jingle: SWIIIIIIIINE FEVER!!!
Ronnie Carter: And the only cure for Swine Fever is… MORE BARBECUE!! [ he wipes the sweat from his brow ] Hoo-wee! I hope we have enough!
[ cut to barbecue plate ]
Ronnie Carter V/O: And don’t forget to try our special Sausage And Ribs Sampler!
[ new disclaimer appears over this part of the commercial ]
Announcer: We recognize that this spells S.A.R.S. We regret the coincidence.
[ cut back to Ronnie Carter laughing ]
Ronnie Carter: I’ll see you there!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers
Samantha Samuels…..Taylor Swift
Dad…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on gawky teenager addressing the camera in front of blue background ]
Samantha Samuels: Hi. I’m Samantha Samuels. You know, teens have gotten a lot of flak recently for DWT, or: Driving While Texting.
[ cut to footage of teenager texting while driving ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: And, it’s true — driving while texting can be very dangerous.
[ return to Samantha ]
Samantha Samuels: But teens aren’t the only bad drivers. In fact, many of the worst drivers… are parents. That’s why I founded: Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Driving. [ reveal product card ] Or… T.R.A.A.A.P.D. We’ll teach about such serious problems as:
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Lecturing.
Dad: Okay. Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start ACTING like an adult!!
Samantha Samuels: You’re driving on the sidewalk.
Dad: You — [ he looks up at the road and twists the wheel ] Whoa! Whoa!
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom, who’s reaching behind the back seat ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to get somthing out of Your Purse.
Samantha Samuels: Mom! I don’t need a tissue!
Mom: I think you do!
Samantha Samuels: Mo-o-o-o-o-mmmmm!! [ cars start honking ] STOP!!
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to Balance Hot Coffee.
[ Dad places the coffee cup between his legs, then screams as it topples ]
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Racing to Nordstrom for a Sweater Sale.
Mom: [ leaning out of window ] Out of my way, nimrods!!
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Giving the “Birds and the Bees” Talk.
Dad: And then the man will take… that erection, and… he will place it in the, uh —
[ having had enough, Samantha jerks the wheel ]
Dad: Hey! No! No! You will NOT crash this car!
[ return to Samantha ]
Samantha Samuels: These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere. And there’s more. Like:
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Arguing with the GPS.
GPS: Turn left.
Dad: Ah, you don’t know what you’re talking about!
GPS: Turn left.
Dad: NO!!
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While revealing Family Secrets.
Mom: You know, before me, your father was married to a Korean woman.
[ Samantha grimaces ]
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving while Trying to Find a Cellphone You Dropped.
[ the cellphone is ringing, as Dad roots around with one eye on the road ]
Dad: Where the hell is it?
Samantha Samuels: [ leaning forward ] I think it’s inside the dashboard.
Dad: How the hell did that happen?!
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Having a Sarcastic Conversation with the Car in Front of You.
Dad: No, no, no, no — don’t use your turn signal! After you, Your Highness! After you! [ his eyes widen ] Oh! He’s got a gun! e’s got a gun! [ he pulls Samantha under the dashboard ]
[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Singing Along to a Song You don’t Know the Lyrics to.
Mom: [ singing badly ] “Lets build a love gate. See a love frame. Do you hear doves? Is it a pain? Am I in the way…”
[ return to Samantha ]
Samantha Samuels: See? Maybe teen drivers aren’t so bad after all. Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.
[ Mom steps forward ]
Mom: Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car?
Samantha Samuels: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-o-ommmm!! Get out! You’re ruining my commerical!!
[ product card ]
Dad V/O: This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels… with money she stole from her dad’s desk. Samantha…!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
The View
Whoopi Goldberg…..Kenan Thompson
Kate Gosselin…..Taylor Swift
Barbara Walters…..Nasim Pedrad
Joy Behar…..Fred Armisen
Elisabeth Hasselback…..Kristen Wiig
Nicholas Cage…..Andy Samberg
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, we’re back with hot topics. Filling in for Sherri Shepherd today is Kate Gosselin.
Kate Gosselin: Hi.
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, now, you are on a press tour for no reason. Is that right?
Kate Gosselin: Thank you Whoopi. Actually, that’s right. I’m doing lots of press.
Barbara Walters: You know Kate, for someone who has absolutely no experience in this industry, other than wrangling a bunch of kids into a mini van on camera, you seem very self assured.
Kate Gosselin: Thank you for saying that Barbara. Actually, every day I practice emphatically talking in front of a mirror.
Joy Behar: You know, the only thing that I practice in front of a mirror is sucking in my back fat. So what? Who cares?
Whoopi Goldberg: I don’t even own a mirror. The last time I looked in the mirror I gave myself one of these… And you know what was weird? The mirror gave me one of these!
Elisabeth Hasselback: Kate, I just wanna say you have beautiful hair. I’ve heard many people make fun of your hairstyle, and I think it’s beautiful. It’s like a gorgeous waterfall of human hair in the front, and in the back a patriotic fireworks display. In the front, a fun slide and in the back, an exploded hedgehog. Perfect for the busy mom with children. Beautiful hairstyle. A beautiful American hairstyle. America.
Kate Gosselin: It is. Actually, you know, the hardest thing about being a mom is having patience. Cause sometimes the paparazzi say they’re going to be someplace at ten and they don’t show up until eleven.
Elisabeth Hasselback: You’re a busy mom, with beautiful hair. It’s like the front is walking into a job interview and the back is leaving a rock concert.
Barbara Walters: Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, ladies, let’s get back to hot topics. Now this Swine Flu has become even more serious than before. There are reported cases as far away as China, India, and as I said before, China. One problem that they are foreseeing is that they’re not going to have enough of this H1N1 vaccine.
Whoopi Goldberg: Oh, H1N1, H2B4, K67B, R2D2. These cats sticking letters after numbers and numbers after letters. I don’t go to doctors. The last time I went to a doctor, he poked his head into the room and said “Are you naked yet?” and I said “Honey child, I ain’t taking off my crocks.”
Joy Behar: You know, the only shot I want is a shot of kahlua after looking at my neck wrinkles. I look like I’ve got frisbees around my neck. So what? Who cares?
Whoopi Goldberg: Uh oh. Joy, you’ve got a lot of jokes lined up for this one. I can tell by the look on your face.
Joy Behar: Okay, thanks Whoopi. Okay, here we go. The only shot I want is a shot of David Caruso getting out of the shower. Who cares? So what? My doctor told me that I have so much upper arm fat that if I was pushed out of a tree, I would glide, like a squirrel. Who cares? So what?
Kate Gosselin: Ha ha, ha ha, ha, you are so funny. Actually, you know what else is funny? How I got this hairstyle. My hairdresser was halfway through giving me the Rachel when his blowdryer exploded on the back of my head.
Elisabeth Hasselback: You guys, H1N1 is really serious. This is scary. The government cannot come into my house and tell me to get vaccinated. I put anti-bacteria gel everywhere in my house. Every corner. Every corner near my cell phone, my crepe maker, the ceiling fan, the banisters leading to my bathroom. Every corner. Every corner. Every corner. Corner. Corn-er. Every.
Barbara Walters: All right, ladies. Let’s bring out our first guest. He’s a very prominent actor, he’s starred in dozens of films, including my favorite, ghost rider, please welcome Nicholas Cage.
Nicholas Cage: Hi, hi. Hi, how are you? Hi. Thank you for having me here today.
Joy Behar: So you’re broke now, right?
Nicholas Cage: Yes I am. Uh, unfortunately my business manager made some grave errors with my money, and, uh, it’s gone.
Barbara Walters: So what’s next for Nicholas Cage?
Nicholas Cage: I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.
Barbara Walters: Really?
Nicholas Cage: Yeah, maybe there’ll be a treasure map on the back, or, uh, maybe I’ll just make another movie. You know, something where I walk around and I go, “Ah, watch out!”
Barbara Walters: Fascinating. I look forward to seeing that on the silver scream. Kate, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule. I know you have to dash off to a book signing at Barnes and Noble.
Joy Behar: Oh, you have a book out?
Kate Gosselin: Actually, no. I’m just walking up to people and asking them if they want me to sign whatever book they’re holding.
Nicholas Cage: Oh, I do that too.
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, well, we’ll see you all tomorrow when our guests will be Kristen Stewart and Wanda Sykes.
Submitted by: Felicia Poppleton
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
September 26th, 2009
Megan Fox
U2
None
Brian Austin Green
John Lutz
Emily Spivey United Nations General Assembly
Summary: Moammar Gadhafi (Fred Armisen) addresses the United Nations General Assembly to give excuses for his earlier speech.
Transcript
Montage
Megan Fox’s Monologue
Summary: Megan Fox comments on the obviously fake online nude photos of herself that she was unaware she had posed for.
Transcript
Bladdivan
Summary: The pill that helps men combat Shy Bladder Syndrome.
Transcript
Flight Attendants
Summary: Flight attendants (Kristen Wiig, Megan Fox) are unnaturally upbeat and bubbly while announcing devastating news from the cabin.
Transcript
Russian Brides
Summary: Mr. Colon (Will Forte) can’t decide whether to choose attractive Russian bride (Megan Fox) or hulky, mannish Russian bride (Fred Armisen) with lesser qualities for ten dollars cheaper.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: A socially-awkward man (Will Forte) impresses Megan Fox on a date, but rejects her anyway.
Transcript
Grady Wilson’s Burning up the Bedsheets
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques to help burn up the bedsheets.
Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.
U2 performs “Breathe”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the G20 Summit. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) speeds through her commentary and presents a hand-drawn chart.
Recurring Characters: Jean K. Jean, Judy Grimes.
Transcript
Live Lounge
Summary: Crystal (Megan Fox) touts the Live Lounge phone-chat line and the throng of other weirdo social types who use it.
Transcript
U2 performs “Moment of Surrender”
Biker Chick Chat
Summary: Dawn (Jenny Slate) hosts a freakin’ talk show for freakin’ biker chicks.
Note: Jenny Slate accidentally says “fuckin'” in her sketch debut.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: When he comes over to her apartment for a movie date, Andy Samberg meets “Megan’s Roommate”, the bitterly jealous Optimus Prime (Bobby Moynihan).
Transcript
Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Get Ready
Summary: Megan Fox chats with her friend’s mom (Kristen Wiig) over laundry.
Transcript
Goodnights / U2 performs “Ultraviolet (Light My Way)”
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Mostly Garbage
Summary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal.
Note: This filmed parody will appear in next week’s episode hosted by Ryan Reynolds.
Last RitesSummary: Dying man’s (Bill Hader) body makes funny noises after he passes.
Crotch RocketsSummary: Actress (Megan Fox) keeps slapping co-star (Andy Samberg) during a scene.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
Biker Chick Chat
Dawn….Jenny Slate
Beth….Kristen Wiig
Donna….Megan Fox
[Opens with hard rock music in a room with the walls filled with license plates and a leather sofa]
[Biker Chick Chat logo]
Announcer: It’s Biker Chick Chat with Dawn.
[Dawn dances to the rock, she wears acid-wash jeans, black shirt, jacket vest, big sprayed hair]
Dawn: Welcome to Biker Chick Chat. I’m Dawn. I do me. This is my show. Either love it or change the frickin’ channel. Ok? I’d like to introduce my frickin’ co-host, my mom’s best friend. Please welcome, Beth.
[Beth is smoking, she nods, she has jean shorts, tank top, frizzy blond hair]
Dawn: Hey, Beth. What’d you do this weekend?
Beth: I frickin’ drank beer and made jean shorts.
Dawn: I frickin’ love you.
Beth: I frickin’ know. So, who’s your first guest?
Dawn: Are you frickin’ kidding me right now? It is who it always is, its my frickin’ best friend, Donna!
Beth: Get off my frickin’ back! I know its Donna. I was just trying to make an atmosphere.
Dawn: Then bust into a frickin’ Yankee Candle Store and get a frickin’ Bayberry candle.
Beth: You know what? [throws ashtray against the wall]
Dawn: You frickin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head. You know what? You stood up for yourself and I fuckin’ love you for that.
[Jenny puffs her cheeks once she realizes she said “fuckin'” instead of “frickin'”]
Beth: [cigarette dangling from her lip] You’re in my heart, babe. You’re in my heart.
Dawn: All right. I swear to God, I’ll do anything for my first guest. One time the mom of the ex-girlfriend of my current boyfriend at the time frickin’ came over to my frickin’ family house and tried to throw one of those frickin’ tray loads of burning hot ass jalapenos peppers in my face. Donna threw a jacket over my face, how many times do I have to frickin say this? She saved my frickin’ face! For cryin’ out loud! Give it the freak up for Donna.
[Donna comes out with a big plaster on her leg]
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: You ok?
Dawn: You ok?
Donna: Im alright.
Dawn: Ok.
Donna: I will. And if you don’t like it, don’t have me on your friggin show.
Dawn: I frickin’ love you. I see you got some new plaster.
Donna: Yeah, I frickin fell off a dirt bike in a dirt bike store.
Dawn: How’d that happened?
Donna: You just frickin’ fall down and the next thing you know your face is on the frickin’ floor and that beautiful bike is sleeping on top of you.
Beth: You know, the frays from my frickin’ jean shorts got twirled up in my frickin’ spokes on my boyfriend’s dirt bike once. He drove off and it ripped these ladies off, leaving my girl buck nude and by girl I mean my frickin’ front bum. This. [points at her crotch] Ya know what? [throws another ashtray against the wall]
Donna: One time I flipped over the frickin’ handle bars in my dirt bike and you know what I frickin’ got on my front bum? A grass stain.
Dawn: That’s why I frickin’ love both of you. My frickin’ best friend Donna and my frickin’ mom’s best friend Beth.
[Beth smashes another ashtray on the floor]
Donna: You know what? You know what? We are having a major friggin moment right now. And I wish we were all on a frickin’ dirt bike.
Dawn: All right, Donna. I know why you’re here. Ya got a grievance you want to air the freak out of.
Donna: Truth. My boyfriend bought a frickin’ gorgeous above ground pool. We frickin’ loved the frig out of it. It was frickin’ paradise. Then one day we were floating the frig around in there and the frickin’ walls fell outward. I mean, the fool [correcting herself] the pool became a frickin’ flat circle. Then we rode a frickin’ weird ass wave all the way down to the interstate and ended up in a frickin’ parking lot at a frickin’ Friendly’s. It was a frickin’ heartbreak.
Dawn: That’s frickin’ biblical. You know about my frickin’ above ground pool. I frickin’ tried to jump the frickin’ pool on my dirt bike. But that wasn’t the disaster, the disaster was that my dad’s girlfriend was in there with her frickin’ mom. My dad’s girlfriend was on “Rock of Love”. She’s my frickin’ hero… so frickin’ embarrassed.
Beth: A bird died in my stand-up pool filter system. I didn’t know it was frickin’ dead so I was swimming around in frickin’ dead bird broth for almost two frickin’ months! You know what?! [smashes another ashtray against the floor]
Dawn: Beth, that’s frickin’ disgusting. Next week, Donna is gonna help me pick out a frickin mini-fridge. On behalf of me, my frickin best friend Donna and my mom’s frickin best friend Beth, you just do you and we’re gonna be fine. I frickin’ love you.
Beth: I frickin’ love you.
[Biker Chick Chat logo]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Originally submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Corrected/updated by: Justin Szczap
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
Bladdivan
Employee…..Fred Armisen
Co-worker…..Will Forte
Testimonial #1…..Bill Hader
Testimonial #2…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on men’s room, businessmen scattering about the urinals ]
[ Employee stands before a urinal trying to pee in solace, as his co-worker steps forward and wraps an arm around his shoulder ]
Co-worker: Hey, buddy! I need to get those sales numbers from you.
Announcer: Are you one of the tens of thousands of men who suffer from Shy Bladder Syndrome?
[ Employee nods ]
Announcer: Well, what do you have to be afraid of? Ask your doctor if Bladdivan is right for you.
[ reveal product slide ]
[ dissolve to Testimonial #1 ]
Testimonial #1: My bladder was so shy that I had to hide in the janitor’s closet with an empty bottle every time I needed to make “water”! Thanks to Bladdivan… [ cue sprinkling sound effect ] I’m peeing right now!
Announcer: Bladdivan is a combination of several drugs, a powerful diaretic, coupled with a cocktail of anti-anxiety medications.
[ dissolve to Testimonial #2 ]
Testimonial #2: Oh, sure, I’ve heard about the side effects. But, for me, it’s worth it. Before I — [ cue sprinkling sound effect ] Oh! Oh! Oh! [ he chuckles ] I just peed! And I do not care! [ he chuckles ] Still going… and we’re done — no! [ sound effect stops ] Now!
[ show footage of Testimonial #2 spraying his wife and kids with a Super soaker squirt gun ]
Announcer: So, go ahead — urinate on your terms. Common side effects associated with Bladdivan include: Peeing yourself… and Peeing yourself and not really caring that you just peed yourself.
[ cut back to co-workers walking down the hall, stopping in front of the men’s room ]
Announcer: So say goodbye to chrnoic Shy Bladder Syndrome — with Bladdivan.
[ Co-worker stops in front an the one empty urinal in the crowded men’s room ]
[ Employee enters, sees no available slots, but winks at the camera before squeezing in next to ?? ]
Employee: Now, uh — about those figures..?
Co-worker: [ glances downward ] Very impressive!
[ they laugh and turn to smile into the camera ]
[ cut to product slide ]
Announcer: Don’t be shy. Ask your doctor about Bladdivan today.
[ fade ]