Category: 2009

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Daveheart

David….Gerard Butler
Scottish Rebel 1…. Jason Sudeikis
Scottish Rebel 2…. Bill Hader
Scottish Rebel 3…. Bobby Moynihan
French Princess…. Jenny Slate

[Poster of Mel Gibson’s epic “Braveheart” of William Wallace holding a sword]

Announcer: “Braveheart”. The timeless tale of William Wallace. Scotland’s greatest hero. And now this classic tale told again but from the perspective of William Wallace’s younger brother, David.

[poster of David for “Daveheart”]

[David and his band of rebels gather around on Scotland’s high plains]

David: Ok. Gather around. Now, I just returned from talking with those English bastards. And they say we’re outnumbered. [disapproving grunts] They say they have superior weapons.[more disapproving grunts] They told me we would be fools to fight them. So, here is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get the hell out of here before we get killed.

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart” The story of Scotland’s biggest coward. When history needed a hero, it knocked on the wrong door.

Scottish Rebel 1: So, you’re saying we should surrender?

David: I’m saying that on the count of three we should run off in different directions. They can’t catch all of us, can they? If they do catch you I recommend to pretend that you’re English. So, let’s practice. Everybody. [English accent] “Hello, governor. Fancy a cup of tea?” All right. Now you guys. Come on, let’s hear you.

Scottish Rebel 2: But years from now when we lie down in our beds, won’t we wish we had fought on this day?

David: No. No, you’ll think “What a comfy bed. I’m glad I didn’t die covered in mud”. You’ll say “Thanks, Daveheart”. That’s what you’ll say.

Scottish Rebel 3: How can we surrender?! The English lords deflower our virgins brides on their wedding nights!

David: First of all, none of your wives are virgins on their wedding nights. There are six girls in our village and like a hundred guys. So, no one is a virgin. Now back to business. We need to run away and we need to run away fast.

Someone from the crowd: Coward!

David: Coward?! Coward?! Ha! I resent that! [scared shitless] Oh, my God! What’s that?! [a goat] Oh, sorry. False alarm. It is just a goat. I thought it was a dragon.

[cut to various of David’s scared faces in battle]

Announcer: Some men fear death. Some dishonor. Daveheart was afraid of the dark and loud noises. A tale of cowardice in a time of courage. A man who despite a shameful attempt to flee was still captured and jailed.

[David is chained to the wall in a English dungeon. A pretty princess visits him.]

French Princess: They are going to torture you.

David: Oh, don’t say torture. I can’t piss myself any more than I already have, ok? I mean, I’m pissed out!

French Princess: I have brought you something. It will numb the pain. [shows a little bottle]

David: Oh, yeah. I want that. And give me a lot. I have a low tolerance for pain.

French Princess: You must be strong.

David: I can do that. Or, better idea. We switch clothes and then you get executed and I pretend to be a beautiful French princess. How is that?

French Princess: No. That will not work.

David: Of course it will work. I mean, our kilts, it will work.

French Princess: You will have to live as a woman with my husband.

David: [crying] I would rather live as a woman than die like a man! [girlie scream] Aaaaahhh!!! Dragon!! [a goat is next to the executioner]

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart”. Worse than “Braveheart”. Buy it today.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Goodnights

…..Gerard Butler

Gerard Butler: So, thanks to… [ the audience whoops and hollars ] Shakira! And this man here — James Franco! And I want to thank ALL of the incredible cast, all the writers, all the crew! Every one of you, my mom, everybody in Scotland, and everybody else that I like! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Gerard Butler’s Monologue

…..Gerard Butler
Warriors…..Jason Sudeikis, Bobby Moynihan, Bill Hader
Ninjas…..Fred Armisen, Will Forte
Christine…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Gerard Butler!

Gerard Butler: Thank you! [ he waves the applause on ] No, no! Thank you! It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is, uh — it’s actually my first time hosting, which means I’ve now hosted more than ANY OTHER SCOTSMAN in “SNL” history!! [ the audience cheers ] YEAHHHH!!! WAHOO!!!

You know… as an actor, I’m primarily known for two types of film roles: There’s the kind where I wear a shirt, and the kind where I don’t. So, in the kind where I don’t, people are usually trying to kill me — like in “300”. [ the audience cheers ] But in the kind where I do wear a shirt, I’m usually doing something a little more sexy — like in the film “The Phantom of the Opera”, where I played the Phantom. [ the audience cheers ] So, tonight… I’d like to show you that I’m not just an action guy, that I also have a sensitive side, with a song from my favorite shirt-wearing musical.

[ piano music begins to play ]

[ singing ]
“Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences.”

It’s actually a lot better than I thought!

Gerard Butler: “Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.”

[ a warrior sneaks up behind Butler, but he knocks the warrior down with his own sword ]

Gerard Butler: “Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender…”

[ two more warriors run forward; Butler steps out of their way and lets the warriors collide into one another, then he strikes them with a sword ]

[ Butler continues to sing, as a pair of ninjas appear behind him; He swings his arms back and knocks both ninjas to the ground, then he knocks down a third ninja who attempts to sneak up on him. ]

[ suddenly, Christine appears in mid-chorus ]

Christine: [ singing ]
“Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world!”

Together:
“Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!”

[ suddenly, Christine whips a dagger from her bosom and attempts to kill Butler, but he manages to wrestle her to the ground as he finishes his song ]

Christine: Take your shirt off!!

Gerard Butler: NO!!

Christine: DO IT!!

Gerard Butler: NO!!

[ he seizes the dagger from her hand and shoves it away from the stage ]

Gerard Butler: [ singing ] “… the darkness of the music of the niiiiiiiight!!”

We’ve got a great show for you! Shakira is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Butler and Christine continue to spar as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Shakira performs She-Wolf

…..Gerard Butler
…..Shakira

Gerard Butler: Ladies and gentlemen — Shakira.

Shakira: [ singing ]
“S.O.S. she’s in disguise
S.O.S. she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out

A domesticated girl that’s all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy
The moon’s awake now with eyes wide open
My body’s craving, so feed the hungry

I’ve been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at itI’m starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office
So I’m gonna go somewhere cozy to get me a lover
And tell you all about it

There’s a she wolf in your closet
Open up and set her free
There’s a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe

Sitting across a bar, staring right at her prey
It’s going well so far, she’s gonna get her way
Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent
The moon’s my teacher, and I’m her student

To locate the single men, I got on me a special radar
And the fire department hotline in case I get in trouble later
Not looking for cute little divos or rich city guys that just want to enjoy
But having a very good time and behave very bad in the arms of a boy

There’s a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free
There’s a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe

S.O.S. she’s in disguise
S.O.S. she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out

S.O.S. she’s in disguise
S.O.S. she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out

There’s a she wolf in your closet
Let it out so it can breathe.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

The Rock Obama

The Rock Obama…..Dwayne Johnson
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Mitch McConnell…..Will Forte
Max Baucus…..Bill Hader
Olympia Snowe…..Jenny Slate
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Katie…..Nasim Pedrad

FADE IN:

[ EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE – DAY ]

[ SUPER: THE WHITE HOUSE, OCTOBER 17, 2009 ]

[ INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE ]

[ PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA stands next to his scheduling aide KATIE ]

President Barack Obama: So what’s next on the schedule, Katie?

Katie: As per your request, Mr. President — Senators Snowe, McConnell,and Baucus are here to discuss health care.

President Barack Obama: That’s great! You know, Katie, this is the closest we’vecome to reform in this country. I just need everyone to behave.

Katie: So, you gonna get angry with them?

President Barack Obama: Now Katie — no. You know I don’t get angry. I find itworks better to kill them with kindness. Send them in.

[ Katie opens the door to the Oval Office and departs. GOP SEN. OLYMPIASNOWE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, AND DEM. SEN. MAX BAUCUSgreet the President with a handshake and all take seats on the couch. ThePresident sits in front of his desk. ]

President Barack Obama: Now look, I asked you all here because I want everyonehere to have a voice in the health care reform debate. Now, Sen. Baucus,you’re a moderate Democrat, but thanks to your efforts in the SenateFinance Committee, you have a voice!

[ Baucus smiles. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. Snowe, you’re a Republican who crossed party linesto support the Baucus bill and you have a voice!

[ Snowe nods and winces a bit. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. McConnell, as the Senate Minority Leader, I want youto have a voice too. Now, uh, what can I do to bring the rest of theRepublican Party into the conversation.

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh, Mr. President, maybe I can explain theRepublican position — it’s not that we don’t want health care to fail. Wedon’t! We just want you to fail. And defeating health care reform is thebest way to do that.

[ President Obama clenches his jaw. ]

Mitch McConnell: Because if you fix health care, that would be a bigvictory for you and that’s bad for us.

[ The President rubs his neck over and over. ]

Mitch McConnell: With that said, I could see us supporting health care butonly if you switch your position to AGAINST it.

[ The President shakes violently. ]

[ CUT TO pre-filmed close-up footage of the President bursting through hisclothes, a la The Incredible Hulk TO REVEAL a muscular President with tornclothing, now being played by Dwayne Johnson, who SCREAMS. The senatorsreact in terror. ]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, my God! What happened?!

Max Baucus: What happened was… you made Barack Obama angry! And when youmake Barack Obama angry, he turns into… The Rock Obama!

[ TITLE CARD: THE ROCK OBAMA ]

Mitch McConnell: The Rock Obama?

[ The Rock Obama clears his throat. ]

The Rock Obama: Now, uh… don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama, much like,uh… Barack Obama. Only stronger, and, uh… more angry! Now! We get adown to business!

[ The Rock Obama picks up the telephone. ]

The Rock Obama: Katie? Hold calls.

[ The Rock Obama slams the phone down, crushing it and the stand. Thesenators are trembling. ]

The Rock Obama: Now! Where were we?

[ The Rock Obama points to Baucus. ]

The Rock Obama: You! Little man in suit.

Max Baucus: Me?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Why Finance Committee no have public option?

Max Baucus: I’m a Blue Dog Democrat. I have a different constituency.

The Rock Obama: You Blue Dog? Huh… me like dog.

Max Baucus: Thank you.

The Rock Obama: Bark for me!

Max Baucus: I’m sorry?

The Rock Obama: Bark for me like dog!

[ Sen. Baucus turns to the others and the President. Out of fear, he barksa few times like a terrier. The Rock Obama chuckles and claps. ]

The Rock Obama: Me like dog. Me no like you.

[ The Rock Obama gets up, grabs Baucus by the neck and flings him throughthe plate glass window. He then takes a seat and points to McConnell. ]

The Rock Obama: You!

Mitch McConnell: Who? Uh…me!?

The Rock Obama: Why you no want fix health care?

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh… I’m just worried if there’s uh — pubicoption — people who like their insurance now would lose it.

The Rock Obama: You like your insurance?

Mitch McConnell: I do! I do!

[ The Rock Obama rises over Sen. McConnell and tears off his left arm andtosses out the window. ]

The Rock Obama: Better call your insurance!

[ Sen. McConnell nods in agreement. ]

The Rock Obama: Tell them you need a new arm!

Mitch McConnell: Okay! Okay!

The Rock Obama: Go now! Get arm!

Mitch McConnell: Out the window?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Like arm!

[ Sen. McConnell gets up and jumps out the window. The Rock Obama takes his seat. ]

The Rock Obama: Hmmmm… Hello Lady!

Olympia Snowe: Hello.

The Rock Obama: Come down…

[ Sen. Snowe inches herself closer to The Rock Obama. ]

The Rock Obama: Closer…

[ Sen. Snowe moves to the very end of the couch. ]

The Rock Obama: You Republican who vote for Baucus bill?

Olympia Snowe: Yes!

The Rock Obama: But you probably vote no health care on Senate floor.

Olympia Snowe: I might!

The Rock Obama: Tell truth!!

Olympia Snowe: No. Probably not.

[ The Rock Obama extends his right hand. ]

The Rock Obama: Put head in hand. I smash it now.

[ Sen. Snowe is shaken. ]

Olympia Snowe: Really?

[ VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN enters and scans both of them. ]

Joe Biden: Hello! Huh… who got you mad?

The Rock Obama: Senators!

Joe Biden: Always the senators! Uh, you might want to get outof here, Snowe.

[ Sen. Snowe wastes no time leaving. ]

Joe Biden: There you go… out the door. There you go..

[ The Vice President chuckles. ]

The Rock Obama: Senators make Barack Obama so angry.

Joe Biden: Hey! Look at me!

The Rock Obama: Barack Obama… so alone….

Joe Biden: No! C’mon! Look, you got me! Who’s your pal?

The Rock Obama: Joe Biden is pal!

Joe Biden: That’s right! C’mon — take a seat.

[ The Vice President pulls up two chair for them to sit, which they do. ]

Joe Biden: C’mon, sit. Now look, things are tough right now.Everyone’s asking the world of you, right? They want you to clean up amess that wasn’t yours in the first place.

The Rock Obama: It’s true! Not my mess!

Joe Biden: That’s right! You got generals running their mouthsabout policy, Goldman giving out billions in bonuses, and then the Nobelpeople gave you an award you had no right in winning!

[ The Rock Obama gets up and intimidates the Vice President. ]

Joe Biden: Okay, just a little early! Just a little early –that’s all!

[ The Rock Obama calms down and sits. The Vice President laughs. ]

Joe Biden: There is some good news.

The Rock Obama: What good news?

Joe Biden: I’ll tell you some good news — that kid who theythought was in a spaceship? Safe and sound! Back with his loving parents– living in a box in the attic! And if that’s not a great story thiscountry can rally around, I don’t what is!

The Rock Obama: That’s a good story!

Joe Biden: Damn good story! Real good story!

[ A beat. ]

Joe Biden: Now I hope you don’t get mad about this, but I madea Biden Blooper!

The Rock Obama: What did you do?

Joe Biden: I gave my dry cleaning to the Chinese ambassador.

The Rock Obama: Joe!

Joe Biden: Okay! I know the drill… All right, what do we dohere? Go into the wall or window?

The Rock Obama: Wall!

Joe Biden: Wall it is! Geroni-Joe!!!

[ The Vice President hurls himself into the wall, which collapses. ThePresident stand up. ]

The Rock Obama: Being President is so hard and “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Fuquay Satin’s Grand Hoochie Skank Rose

Fuquay Satin…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on footage of club girls shaking their asses ]

[ Fuquay Satin steps forward among the women ]

Fuquay Satin: Hello! It’s me again — Fuquay Satin. Owner and proprieter of Maison du Satin, makers of fine urban champagne. Including: Ghetto Imperial… Section 8 Reserve… and Minneapolis Mystery!

Champagne is for more than just drinking. It’s also for pouring on women in celebration of wealth and sexual excess. Which is why I drink :this: [ he holds up bottle ] Fuquay Satin’s Grand Hoochie Skank Rose. The champagne especially designed to pour down women’s asses. Every bottle of Grand Hoochie Skank Rose comes with a wide mouth, AND twice the carbonation for more bubbles!

[ gratuitous close-up of champagne being poured on a woman’s jiggly ass ]

Fuquay Satin: With seven lumps of apricots, ginger, and ass. Grand Hoochie Skank Rose goes exquisitely with some of your favortie foods. Including: fishsticks… fried rice in a styrofoam carton.

Some people say my new champagne tastes funny. Well, let me ask you a question: Was that before or after you poured it down someone’s ass?

[ product line-up ]

Fuquay Satin V/O: So try all of my Maison du Satin brand urban champagne.

[ return to Fuquay Satin surrounded by his ladies ]

Fuquay Satin: Maison du Satin. If you got ten dollars… well, then you got Grand Hoochie Skank Rose!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

What Up With That?

D’Andre Cole….Kenan Thompson
Leslie Faree….Abby Elliott
Emcee….Will Forte
Back up singers/dancers….Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad
White Peace….Gerard Butler
Lindsey Buckingham….Bill Hader
Red track suit dancer….Jason Sudeikis
Kenny G look-alike….Fred Armisen
Picabo Street….Kristen Wiig
….James Franco

[BET TV logo]

[Opens with a party atmosphere talk show with a funky, catchy theme song]

Emcee: It’s “What up with that?” Tackling the issues of today with soul! With environmentalist activist and author Leslie Faree, [pretty blond] James Franco![actor James Franco] And musician Lindsey Buckingham! [cut to Lindsey] And now here is your host, D’Andre Co-o-o-o-le!

[D’Andre comes out mic in hand dancing like a Southern Baptist preacher]

D’Andre Cole: [singing] Woke up this morning and I got out of bed, got a big ‘ol cup of coffee just to clear my head, telephone rang and you want to chat, well sit on down and tell me “what up with that?” Oooooweeee, what up with that? What up with that? Oooooweeee, what up with that? What up with that? He said, she said, we said, Lee said, what up with that? Who knew?, you knew, say what, voodoo, what up with that? What u-u-u-u-u-up, with tha-a-a-a-at?! Yes! [music stops, sits down] All right. This is “What up with that?” We have 3 wonderful guests here joining me. We’re going to talk about people! We’re going to talk about places, [funky music resumes and D’Andre sings] we’re gonna talk about fingers, we’re going to talk about faces,[D’Andre walks into the audience] we’re going to talk about things pertaining to you, and you, and you, and you, and you, you too, not you, but you and you, everybody say! Oooooweeee, what up with that?! What up with that?Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? [a Kenny G look-alike plays the funky saxophone, a guy in a red track-suit with a perm dances 80’s electroboogie style] What up? I said what’s u-u-u-up? What up with that? I said what u-u-u-up?[guy in the red track-suit does the running man in slow motion] What up with tha-a-a-a-at? E.T. likes Reese’s pieces! [music ends, D’Andre sits down] All right. That was fun. Let’s meet a guest. She is here, she’s a biotologist, [Kenan fumbles a bit, cracks up] biologist from a network called “Planet Green”. She is here to give us some straight talk about the rain forest. Her name is Leslie Faree. Hello, baby.

Leslie Faree: Hello.

D’Andre Cole: Now, you gonna talk about deforestation, is that right?

Leslie Faree: Yes. Did you know that we’re losing an acre and a half of the rain forest every second? It is one of the earth’s greatest biological treasures….

[funky theme song resumes]

D’Andre Cole: [funky head movement] Biological treasures….

Leslie Faree: ….it would be totally consumed in 4 years….

D’Andre Cole: ….totally consumed….

Leslie Faree: ….we’re losing dozens of animal and species….

D’Andre Cole: Animal and species, it’s a tragedy baby![gets up] And I got to say! [sings] Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that?

Leslie Faree: [confused] Do I just sit here?

D’Andre Cole:[sings] Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to slow it down for just a second. Yeah. [music tempo slows down, D’Andre lights some candles] Cause I’m going to turn my microphone over to my good friend, “The Sexecutioner”! White Peace!

[White Peace comes out in a pimp-looking white suit, cane, goatee, dark shades]

White Peace: Oh, yeah girl. I wanna take you on a spaceship and move into a permanent orbit around “ur-anus”. I’m going to send out some probes and I’m going to explore all your craters.[into Leslie’s ear] So, girl…lower your shields because I come in peace and I say, I say, Hey!

D’Andre Cole: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, hey-y-y-y-y!

D’Andre Cole and White Peace: Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that?

D’Andre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, gold medal winning skier, Picabo Street! [Picabo struts across the stage funky dancing] Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Go Picabo! Oooooweeee what up with that?

[Emcee comes down and does the robot dance, Picabo dances, back up singers sing and dance, Kenny G plays funky sax, Red track suit guy dances the 80’s electroboogie style, White Peace pimps it out, guests just sit]

D’Andre Cole:[sings] I said what u-u-u-u-u-up!

White Peace: Oh, yeah!

D’Andre Cole: I said what u-u-u-u-u-up?

White Peace: The sex is crazy up in here!

D’Andre Cole: I said what up with tha-a-a-a-a-at?

White Peace: It’s the invasion of the booty snatchers!

D’Andre Cole: What up with that? [prolonged music ending] Tell me what up with that? You think is all over, but not really, I got one story, I went downtown, to a party, and I said “Can I get in?” They said “Five dollars” I said “Never mind” [music ends, D’Andre sits] Well, looks like we’re out of time. I wanna thank my guest Leslie Faree. [Leslie shakes her head] And I apologize to my guests who got bumped. Actor James Franco from “Spider-Man” [James nods] And from the band “Fleetwood Mac”, Lindsey Buckingham. Lindsey, man, you been here like 12 times, what up with that? [Lindsey waves it off] Ok, until next time, I’m D’Andre Cole asking you….heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, he-y-y-y-y! [music resumes] Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that? Oooooweeee what up with that? What up with that?

Caption: What up with that?

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 7th, 2009

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift

None

Amy Poehler

None

End of An EraSummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) and other FOX News correspondents discuss the end of President Barack Obama’s era following the ’09 Special Election.

Recurring Characters: Karl Rove, Brit Hume, Glenn Beck.

Transcript

Montage

Taylor Swift’s MonologueSummary: Taylor Swift sings a song about the topics she won’t be bringing up in her monologue.

Transcript

Carter N’ Sons BBQSummary: In a commercial filmed years earlier, Ronnie Carter (Bobby Moynihan) and his clan promote Swine Fever with their all you can eat pork special.

Transcript

The ViewSummary: The insipidly gabby talk show hostesses welcome Kate Gosselin (Taylor Swift) and Nicholas Cage (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Teen vampires and other monsters of the night run amok in the trailer for “firelight”.

Hollywood DishSummary: Entertainment hosts Ray Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Taylor Swift.

Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent DriversSummary: Teenager Samantha Samuels (Taylor Swift) rallies against thoughtless parental driving habits in response to driving while texting complaints.

Transcript

Taylor Swift performs “You Belong With Me”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Once again, Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) can’t stay focused on whatever comical point he’s trying to make. Sarah McLachlan (Abby Elliott) purports to discuss Lilith Fair, but instead annoys Seth Meyers with dying dog ads. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in response to Goldman Sachs’ hording of the swine flu vaccine despite massive shortages.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups the happy couple (Bill Hader, Abby Elliott) at their wedding reception, irking guest June (Taylor Swift).

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

Transcript

Scared StraightSummary: Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Skeet Devlin (Taylor Swift) try to scare a trio of rowdy teenagers with prison experiences lifted out of popular movies.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

RoomiesSummary: Bennett (Andy Samberg) wants time alone with Lexie (Nasim Pedrad), but she’s more attached to her roommate Anna (Taylor Swift).

Transcript

Taylor Swift performs “Untouchable”

Bunny BusinessSummary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to “Bunny Business”.

Recurring Characters: Natalie Merchant, Eddie Vedder, Christina Aguilera.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) waits for the red light that will signal an incoming job opportunity for the American public.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Note: This sketch served as the cold opening during dress rehearsal.

Scrapyard GangSummary: A football coach (Jason Sudeikis) panics when his female player (Taylor Swift) dies in the middle of the game.

Potato Chip ThiefSummary: Mr. Aymong (Jason Sudeikis) applies for a job as a NASA scientist, but blows his chances when he swipes one of Mr. Greenblatt’s (Will Forte) 35 potato chips and lies about it.

Note: This sketch will air during the episode hosted by Blake Lively a month later.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift

Bunny Business

Shakira…..Taylor Swift
Randy Newman…..Fred Armisen
Christina Aguilera…..Abby Elliott
Announcer/Eddie Vedder…..Bill Hader
Adam Duritz…..Andy Samberg
Jennifer Hudson…..Kenan Thompson
Natalie Merchant…..Kristen Wiig

FADE IN:

[ A pastel colored screen. ]

[ SUPER: THIS FALL ]

Announcer: This fall, there’s only one movie that has kids hopping for joy!

[ SUPER: ONE MOVIE HAS KIDS HOPPING FOR JOY! ]

Announcer: “Bunny Business”!

[ TITLE: BUNNY BUSINESS ]

Announcer: The story of a couple of bunnies with a lot of ambition.

[ MEDIOCRE COMPUTER ANIMATION OF BUNNIES IN BUSINESS SUITS IN AN OFFICE COMPLEX. ]

Announcer: Before you see the movie, buy the soundtrack!

[ COVER ART OF THE “BUNNY BUSINESS” SOUNDTRACK ]

[ SUPER: BUY THE SOUNDTRACK! ]

Announcer: Featuring an original song by Randy Newman!

[ RANDY NEWMAN plays on a grand black piano. ]

[ SUPER: RANDY NEWMAN, “THEME FROM BUNNY BUSINESS” ]

Randy Newman: [singing]
“Bunnies wearing suits,
Bunnies sending faxes,
Got a bunny briefcase,
Bunny business!”

[ MORE BUNNY ANIMATION ]

Announcer: These bunnies have a nose for business and a “tail” for the ages. And now you can own the soundtrack, featuring a brand new song by Natalie Merchant!

[ INSTRUMENTAL: “THESE ARE THE DAYS” ]

[ NATALIE MERCHANT stands at a microphone. ]

[ SUPER: NATALIE MERCHANT, “OFFICE BUNNIES” ]

Natalie Merchant: [singing]
“These are bunnies,
Carrying a briefcase,
Never before have bunnies before,
Worked in an office”

[ Natalie twitches her body in rhythm to the song. ]

[ SCROLL: U2, PETER GABRIEL, PHIL COLLINS, SMASH MOUTH, NELLY FURTADO, TOTO, FLO RIDA, KATY PERRY, MC HAMMER, AND SHAKIRA! ]

Announcer: And that’s not all! “Bunny Business” features over 30 original songs, from some of the world’s most successful singers! Including Shakira!

[ INSTRUMENTAL: “SHE WOLF” ]

[ SHAKIRA scans the area in a black one-piece. ]

[ SUPER: SHAKIRA, “BUNNY HIPS DON’T LIE” ]

Shakira: [singing]
“So many bunnies on the floor tonight,
Hopping and shaking their bunny hips,
There’s a she bunny in all of us,
Ohhhhh!!
Jump on the dance floor don’t be shy,
Wear pant suits and send a fax,
Bunny girls jump on your bunny boys
Ohhhhh whooo!!!”

[ Shakira grinds her body. ]

Announcer: The “Bunny Business” soundtrack! And when you hear animated bunnies, you immediately think of Adam Duritz from The Counting Crows!

[ INSTRUMENTAL: “MR. JONES” ]

[ ADAM DURITZ stands at a microphone. ]

[ SUPER: ADAM DURITZ, “BAD BUNNY THEME” ]

Adam Duritz: [singing]:
“Bunny Business song
Tra-la-la-la,
Bunnies in pantsuits,And Mr. Jones!”

[ Adam flashes the peace sign. ]

Announcer: Kids love bunnies in pant suits, but they love Eddie Vedder and Christina Aguilera even more!

[ INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC ]

[ CHRISTINA AGUILERA & EDDIE VEDDER stand at a microphone. ]

[ SUPER: CHRISTINA AGUILERA & EDDIE VEDDER, “THE BUNNY MERGER WENT THROUGH” ]

[ Christina warbles at the top of her lungs, then Eddie mutters incoherent lyrics. ]

Announcer: Didn’t enjoy previewing “Bunny Business”! Who cares!? We never even finished the movie! We were too busy enjoying this instant classic by Jennifer Hudson!

[ INSTRUMENTAL: “AND I’M TELLING YOU I’M NOT GOING” ]

[ JENNIFER HUDSON is dressed in a black evening gown. ]

[ SUPER: JENNIFER HUDSON, “AND I’M TELLING YOU (YOU’RE A BUNNY)” ]

Jennifer Hudson: [singing]
“No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way
They’re not really wearing pant suits,
It’s a whole big mess,
Of honky bunny business!”

[ Jennifer points to several areas. ]

Jennifer Hudson: [singing]
“And you, and you, and you,
You’re going to pay me…
For this soundtrack…
You’re going to pay me…
Money!”

Announcer: The “Bunny Business” soundtrack. Even if you buy it, our careers are over!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift

End of an Era

Greta Van Susteren…..Kristen Wiig
Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Brit Hume…..Will Forte
Juan Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Karl Rove…..Bobby Moynihan
Joe Trippi…..Fred Armisen
Glenn Beck…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on FOX News logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching FOX News’ continuous coverage of the 2009 election: End of an Era. And now, Greta Van Susteren.

Greta Van Susteren: Good evening. I’m Greta Van Susteren. It’s hard to believe that only one year ago Barack Obama entered the White House, promising a new era of government, and yet, on Tuesday, it seems that that era came to a bad end. We’ll discuss. But, first, Shepard Smith, to recap Tuesday’s historic events in Virginia.

[ cut to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: [ giddy ] Greta, on election night, the voters of Virginia spoke loud and clear! The state Obama carried in ’08 is now back in the hands of the Republican Party. I do believe we’ll ALL remember where we were the night Bob McDonnell took back the State house!

Greta Van Susteren: Indeed. Let’s meet our panel. Senior Political Analyst for FOX News, Brit Hume.

Brit Hume: Greta. Always a pleasure.

Greta Van Susteren: NPR correspondent and FOX News contributor, Juan Williams.

Juan Williams: Hello. Great to be here, Greta.

Greta Van Susteren: Former Deputy Chief of Staff to President George W. Bush, Karl Rove.

Karl Rove: Thanks for having me.

Greta Van Susteren: And Democrat and former Howard Dean campaign member, Joe Trippi.

Joe Trippi: Thank you so much for hav–

Greta Van Susteren: [ cutting him off ] Brit, why did the Obama era end so quickly?

Brit Hume: Well, Greta, he had ten months — TEN MONTHS — in office, and he could not find the time to fix the greatest economic collapse in modern times. Or even win ONE of the two wars he inherited.

Karl Rove: Let’s not forget that it was under HIS watch that we lost the King of Pop!

Greta Van Susteren: So true, so true. Let’s take a look back to New Jersey. Shepard, break down the results for us.

Shephard Smith: [ smiling widely ] Greta, it was more bad news for Barack Obama. New Jersey went to Republican Chris Christie, and that was the death knell for the Obama administration. It’s official, Greta — no he can’t!

Greta Van Susteren: Why, the Democrats are already trying to spin this by saying that New Jersey wasn’t a referendum on the ballot. Any truth to that?

Juan Williams: Oh, look, they can say John ?? was an uncharismatic, one-time Goldman-Sachs employee dogged by corruption accusations, whose most memorable in office was a car accident. But I think it’s CLEAR New Jersey thinks Barack Obama was a bad president.

Greta Van Susteren: [ nodding ] Karl, how do you see the rest of Obama’s term?

Karl Rove: Oh, he’s a lame duck.

Greta Van Susteren: Joe Trippi, you’ve been, uh, pretty quiet over there.

Joe Trippi: [ aggravated ] You haven’t asked me any questions.

Greta Van Susteren: [ moving on ] Brit, the significance of Tuesday?

Brit Hume: There are certain indelible moments of triumph in thi great nation’s history: The Moon landing, V-E Day, the Lewisnky scandal. Tuesday was one of those nights.

Juan Williams: [ nodding ] I concur!

Karl Rove: [ nodding ] Same here.

Joe Trippi: Uh, if I could just —

Greta Van Susteren: Uh, I’m sorry, Joe! I’m sorry, Joe! We have to cut away to Fox’s own Glenn Beck.

Glenn Beck: [ twitching wildly ] Thank you, Greta. You know, I couldn’t sleep Tuesday night because, in my neighborhood, people were pouring into the street… and honking their horns… in celebration… of the return of freedom! They were screaming! and yelling! And banging on garbage cans, letting their neighbors know… [ he spreads his arms wide ] it’s safe to come out! That loving America… is legal again! [ he regains his composure, fights a tear, then sighs ] And I love America! Oh and, Greta — I also realized that you could rearrange the letters of YOUR name… [ he approaches chalkboard ] to spell… [ he writes it out ] “A GREAT!” And it was a great night. A gret, great night… [ he places a tri-cormer hat upon his head ] for a great, great nation. [ he walks up to and past the camera in extreme close-up ]

[ return to Greta ]

Greta Van Susteren: Thanks, Glenn. Now, let’s revisit New York’s twenty-third Congressional district, where Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh backed the Conservative candidate, Doug Hoffman, as he courageously stood up to the GOP and their candidate, Dierdre Scozzafava. Shep, can you give us those results?

Shepard Smith: I’d rather not, Greta! [ he smiles ]

Greta Van Susteren: Why not?

Shepard Smith: Because it’s just… not… important!

Greta Van Susteren: If you say so, Shep. So, there you have it. A night where the country forever shifted from the left… [ she parts her lips to the other side ] to the right. So, to summarize: Obama loses the ’09 election. For FOX News, I’m Greta Van Susteren, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts