Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Broadway Cares

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Paul Rudd
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stage, as Paul Rudd approaches Mike Underballs ]

Mike Underballs: Paul Rudd, hey! Mike Underballs! I’m the director.

Paul Rudd: It’s really nice meeting you, Mr. Underballs.

Mike Underballs: “Mr. Underballs” is my dad — call me Mike! We’re so glad to have you doing this benefit show. Broadway Cares is an amazing cause.

Paul Rudd: I’m happy to help.

Mike Underballs: So you know how the night works — everyone’s performing their favorite songs from a Broadway musical. [ Rudd nods ] And you’re doing “Willkommen” from “Cabaret”?

Paul Rudd: Yeah. The MC. It’s my dream role.

Mike Underballs: Alright. Well, why don’t we just take it from the top?

Paul Rudd: I do have one idea. Is it possible for me to do it in a spotlight?

Mike Underballs: Absolutely! I love it. [ he looks upward ] Hey, Jeff? Jeff? Uh, we’re gonna need a spotlight on this one! Is that okay?

[ up in the rafters, Jeff is preoccupied with his newspaper, but glances down ]

Jeff: Hey, you really want my opinion?!

Mike Underballs: Hey, l-let’s just do it, buddy.

[ Jeff folds his newspaper, shrugs, and turns on the spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Okay, here we go. Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight remains where it’s pointed ]

[ Rudd runs back into the spotlight, but is rattled from his performance ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I-I’m sorry. Could we just stop for a second?

Mike Underballs: Jeff! Jeff! You gotta FOLLOW him!

Jeff: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike! You know, my mind must be elsewhere. I saw “Tangled” again this week, and, uh, you know, I’m still thinking through it! Yeah, that thing’s like an animated “Inception”!

Mike Underballs: No prob. Jeff, you’re the BEST!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, well, when I move from my first position, just follow me. Otherwise, people won’t be able to see me.

Jeff: [ blinking his eyes for a beat ] Oh, is that how LIGHT works?!

Mike Underballs: Jeff!

Jeff: No, Mike, this is great! I love this! This is great! Thomas Edison is gonna tell us how LIGHT works!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!! Just follow him with the spot.

Jeff: Hey! You’re the BOSS, Mike! It’s YOUR vision, baby!

Paul Rudd: [ concerned ] Hey, I didn’t upset him, did I?

Mike Underballs: No, no, no — he’s fine. Alright, from the top!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight breezes past and leaves Rudd in the dark ]

[ the spotlight then pans to Stage Right, as Rudd breathlessly tries to catch up with it ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I’m sorry! Stop! Stop! Could we just please stop?

Mike Underballs: What’s going on, Paul, what’s going on?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s just — he’s moving the spot all around! It’s RIDICULOUS!

Jeff: Hey, Mike! You know what’s ridiculous? Paul Rudd trying to be the MC from “Cabaret”!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEEFFFFF!!!!

Jeff: Nah, I’m serious! I thought MC stood for Master of Ceremony — not Mediocre CACA!!

Mike Underballs: Kaka’s with a “K”, Jeff!

Jeff: Nahhhh, Kaka’s spelled with an “R” — R-U-D-D!

Mike Underballs: [ chuckling ] Hey, that’s funny! [ to Rudd ] That’s your last name!

Jeff: I GOT GOOD IDEAS, TOO, MIKE!!

Mike Underballs: I know you do, Jeff!

Paul Rudd: Hey, what’s your PROBLEM, man?!

Jeff: Hey! Listen up, “Clueless”! Alright? You perform this thing this way, one day you’re gonna run into Joel Grey at the gym and he’s gonna hop up on a box and punch you in the NUTS!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFFF!!!! [ a beat ] If you’re gonna go there, PLEASE keep it out of the gutter!

Paul Rudd: [ dumbfounded ] What?! “If you’re gonna go there”?!

Jeff: Hey, I gotcha, Mike! I know what you’re saying! Be the change you want to see in the world! Right?

Mike Underballs: Right, Jeff. Think Gandhi!

Jeff: Hey! You GOT IT, buddy! I’ll humor this dick!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!!!

Jeff: Hey, nice catch! You’re right, I slipped!

Paul Rudd: Hey, you know what? I’m gonna make it easy — I’m NOT gonna move! I’m gonna stay PUT!

Jeff: Yeah! You should have stayed AT HOME!!

Mike Underballs: [ frustrated ] Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ as Rudd stays put, the spotlight shrinks and shrinks until it only shines on Rudd’s crotch ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on! Would you — look, look at this!

[ Mike pokes his head in front of the tiny crotch spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Jeff, what are we thinking here?!

Jeff: [ shtugs ] Uh, you know, I thought I’d draw attention to the guy’s CROTCH, ’cause he’s singing like such a big PUSSY!

Mike Underballs: JEEFFFF!!!

Paul Rudd: You know what? THAT’S IT!! I’m outta here!!

[ Rudd stomps away ]

Mike Underballs: Ohhh, great! Now what are we gonna do?

Jeff: Hey! I’ll show you what we’re gonna do! BEEETTHH!! Hit me with that spotlight!

[ a spotlight shines on Jeff, as he grabs a hat, drapes a fishnet leg over the railing and begins to sing “Willkommen” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Feline Culinary Creations

Woman…..Abby Elliott
Chef…..Paul Brittain
Chef…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on woman petting her pussycat on the couch ]

Announcer: Every member of your family deserves the best — even your cat.

[ dissolve to fancy restaurant kitchen ]

Announcer: That’s why we at Pet Chalet asked a panel of premier European chefs to create the ULTIMATE menu.

[ dissolve to product display ]

Announcer: Introducing Feline Culinary Creations.

[ dissolve to meals being prepared in fancy pans on the stove ]

Announcer: Handcrafted gourmet meals you can proudly bring to your cat’s table. Recipes like: Filet Au Poivre with Shiitake Demi-Glace.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it ]

Announcer: Salmon Carpaccio with Lobster Medallions.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it and splashes in all directions ]

[ one of the chefs blows a kiss to his creation ]

Announcer: A trio of Braised Lamb, Venison Ravioli and Broccoli Rabe.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it ]

Announcer: Sweet and Sour Crab with Myerlemon Bok Choy.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food slides out of the package and is scraped out by hand ]

[ one of the chefs taste her own creation and savors the experience ]

Announcer: So show your cat what fine dining is all about.

[ the woman places a fancy plate of cat food onto her coffee table, as her cat jumps up to enjoy his meal ]

[ the woman toasts a glass of wine to her cat, who toasts a glass right back at her ]

Announcer: Feline Culinary Creations. For the love of your cat.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Well, this won’t be topped! Thank you so much! Thank you very much to the cast, the crew… [ humbly ] Paul McCartney. [ to McCartney ] One more?

Paul McCartney: One more!

Paul Rudd: One more!

[ Paul McCartney rushes to the musical guest stage and breaks into a round of “Get Back” ]

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner
But he knew it couldn’t last
Jojo left his home in Tucson, Arizona
For some California grass.

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, Jojo!
Go home!

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, Jo!

Sweet Loretta Martin thought she was a woman
But she was another man
All the girls around her say she’s got it coming
But she get it while she can!

So get back –”

[ cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney
…..Paul Brittain

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Wow! Whoo! Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much! It is so great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time! The first time, I was nervous. But, uh, I must have sone something right because, this time, when I walked into the studio, there were all these people lined up in the freezing cold, chanting “Paul! Paul! Paul!” All for me — Paul Rudd! And those fans, they’re intense. One lady sat there crying, just because she was, like, in my presence. Can you imagine? Then someone yelled out “Yesterday!” [ he shrugs ] Which I guess it was a reference to this NPR interview I gave yesterday. I didn’t even think anyone was listening to that! To be hoest, though, some of those fans know a little too much about me. Uh — one guy screamed out: “Her Majesty!” Which, uh, is my nickname on movie sets by the crew. I don’t know how he found out about it. Internet, I guess. But, most of all, they were just screaming my name: “Paul! Paul! Paul!” It was an INCREDIBLE experience —

[ the audience screams and cheers wildly as Paul McCartney appears onstage and shakes Rudd’s hand ]

Paul Rudd: It’s really amazing to be here with you, Sir Paul — [ a light goes on in his head ] OHHHH!!! Oh, I know — right! They were cheering for you. They were cheering for you.

Paul McCartney: Well, I was cheering for you. I LOVED “Role Models”.

Paul Rudd: Awwww! That’s… that’s so nice! Oh, thank you so much. No disrespect, man — I’m just glad to clear up this whole “Paul” business.

[ Paul Brittain appears onstage ]

Paul Brittain: Yo, yo, yo! Featured player Paul Brittain is in the mother-freakin’ house! [ the audience obliges him with applause ] Yeah! Yeah! And, uh, people — [ he notices Rudd’s cold stare ] Oh. Oh. Right.

[ Paul Brittain exits quickly ]

Paul McCartney: He seemed nice.

Paul Rudd: Yeah. He’s new. [ to the audience ] Well, anyway… we’ve got a great show.

Paul McCartney: And all sorts of Pauls are here!

[ the audience cheers ]

Paul Rudd: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Jet!
Jet!
Jet!

I can almost remember their funny faces
That time you told them that you were going to be marrying sooooon
And Jet! I thought the only lonely face was on the moon!

Jet!
Jet!
Jet!

Was your father as old as the Sergeant Major?
Well, how come he told you that you’re hardly old enough yet?
And Jet! I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater… much later.

Whoo — she said!

Jet!

And Jet! I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater… much later.

Hey — she said!

Jet!

With the wind in your hair of a thousand laces
Climb on the back and we’ll go for a ride in the sky
And Jet! I thought that the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

And Jet! Don’t you know that I —
Don’t you know that I thought you was a lady suffragette!

Jet!”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Once again — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Stuck inside these four walls, sent inside forever
Never seeing no one nice again like you
Mama you, mama you.

If I ever get out of here
Thought of giving it all away
To a registered charity
All I need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here
(If we ever get out of here).

Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash as we fell into the sun
And the first one said to the second one there: “I hope you’re having fun!”

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching everyone
For the band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh, seeing no one else had come!
And a bell was ringing in the Village Square for the rabbits on the run!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching every one
For the band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Well, the night was falling as the desert world began to settle down
In the town they’re searching for us everywhere but we never will be found!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!

And the county judge, who held a grudge
Will search forevermore
For the band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “A Day in the Life” / “Give Peace a Chance”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Once again — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh.
I saw the photograph.

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn’t notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords.

I saw a film today, oh boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book.

I’d love to tuuuuuuuuurn… yoooooooouuuu… ooooooooooon.

[ alarm clock rings ]

Woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up I noticed I was late.

Grabbed my coat, found my hat
Found the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
And somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Oh yeah!
All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Everybody’s talking about!
All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Give me the chance, give me the chance.
All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

Okay, now YOU sing it!

Audience: “All we are saying is give peace a chance!”

Paul McCartney: Everybody sing it!

Audience: “All we are saying is give peace a chance!”

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Give peace a chance!
Now come on, all over the world!

All we are saying is give peace a chance
Yes!
All we — all we are saying is give peace a chance
Give peace a chance, give peace a chance!
All we are saying is give peace a chance!”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

What’s That Name?

Vince Blight…..Bill Hader
Jake…..Paul Rudd
Carolyn…..Vanessa Bayer
Norman…..Kenan Thompson
Mary…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play: “What’s That Name?” And here’s your host — Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to “What’s That Name?” The rules are simple: We show you a person, and you tell us their name! Our contestants today are: Jake, a CFO at Smith & Price; and Carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman Real Estate. And the first question goes to Jake: [ image: Jared Fogel holding large pants ] He’s Subway’s #1 spokesman. What’s That Name!

Jake: [ confidently ] Jared Fogel!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: $20 for you! Carolyn, you’re up: [ image: Steve Zahn ] He’s the second lead in the film “Saving Silverman”. What’s That Name!

Carolyn: [ thinking ] Oh… uh… I know this. Um… Steve Zahn!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: $20 for you! Now it’s time to up the ante. The next one is for $10,000. And here to read the clue… is the man himself!

[ a building doorman steps out ]

Norman: I’ve been your doorman for FOUR years! I open the door for you every day! I’ve always got a joke… and a smile! What’s MY name!

Jake: [ smiling with embarrassment ] Heyyyy! Hey, man! How’s it — how’s it hanging?

Norman: Low and lazy. What’s my name! I know your whole family! Your son, Ozzie, loves outer space! What’s my name!

Jake: …Carl?

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s that name!

Audience: NORMAN!!

Norman: [ fuming ] Norman the Doorman.

Jake: I’m — I’m so sorry! [ with awkward desperation ] Say… hi to the wife for me.

Norman: I’m sorry, what’s that?! Say hi to my wife? Yeah, okay — I’ll take the BUS… out to Forest Hills CEMETERY… and tell her that you said HELLO!!

[ Norman storms off the set ]

Jake: [ annoyed ] God… what the hell kind of show IS this?!

Vince Blight: It’s “What’s That Name?”! [ he smiles ] Carolyn, you’re up! And we’ve got another walk-on clue!

[ a cleaning lady steps out with her garbage can ]

Mary: For ten years, I clean your office every day. What’s my name?

Carolyn: [ stunned ] Ohhhhh, it’s… you! Uhhhh… Do you have any fun plans for the holidays?

Mary: Yes. CLEANING YOUR OFFICE!! What’s my name?

Vince Blight: [ mocking ] You don’t seem to know her naaaame!

Carolyn: [ struggling to save face ] I think it’s something, like… Eeee-yore?

Mary: That is cartoon donkey.

Carolyn: Of course, it is! Uh… Eeee-dore!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: What’s That Name!

Audience: MARY!!

Mary: [ pissed ] But Steve Zahn you know.

[ Mary strolls off the set ]

Carolyn: I just wish… those people wore name tags.

Vince Blight: [ incredulous ] Those people?!

Jake: I do want to say: I think what you’re doing is pretty lousy!

Vince Blight: Well, I think you’re lousy!

Jake: Do you know your cameramen’s names?

Vince Blight: The middle one’s Charlie!

Jake: What about the other two?

Vince Blight: IIIII’m not a contestant!

Jake: What are their names?!

Vince Blight: I’d tell you if I were a contestant… but I’m not! YOU are! And here’s your next clue:

[ a group of students enters ]

Jake: Who the hell are they?

Vince Blight: Eight of your summer interns. They worked for you for free for four months. If you can tell me any of their names… I’ll give you a MILLION DOLLARS!

Jake: I, uhhh… [ panicking ] Oh, geez… I don’t know. I don’t know, I’m just gonna say a name. Josh.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: There are THREE Joshes! That means you win THREE million dollars!

Jake: [ excited ] Oh, WOW!!

Vince Blight: Plus, you’ve got the opportunity to go double or nothing in our BONUS ROUND!! What do you say?

Jake: Alright, well, you know, I-I guess I’m on a HOT streak! Let’s go double or nothing!

Vince Blight: Fantastic! Here to read the bonus clue… is the man himself!

[ Norman runs out once again ]

Norman: WHAT’S MY NAME!!

Jake: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhh!! God, no! I-I wasn’t paying attention before! Josh?

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Wwwwhat’s that name!

Audience: NORMAN!!!

Vince Blight: Norman the Doorman! It RHYMES, even!

Jake: Yeah. Right, it does. So easy.

Vince Blight: Well, Jake, that puts you back to ZERO. That’s our show. But stayed tuned for a NEW game show called: “What’s ni Your Internet History?” Yikes! Whew!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

A Message from the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Uh, good evening. Uh, in the next few days… the U.S. House of Representatives… and the Senate… will be voting on a vital piece of legislation. Uh, it is a tax package worked out by this White House and Republican Congressional leaders. And it is absolutely essential that it pass, both to extend unemployment benefits to those out of work… and to prevent a massive tax increase… on the American middle class… at a time when the economy can least afford it.

Now, I know that many of you are unhappy with parts of this proposal, especially that it includes tax cuts for those making over $250,000 a year. But, the simple fact is… this White House had no choice. Republican leaders insisted on tax cuts for the wealthy… and, as I said in my press conference Monday, they had decided to hold us hostage. Literally. They held us hostage in all for about… three days. Bound… gagged… blindfolded… in a dark room somewhere outside Washington. It was a terrifying experience. Uh, hard to put into words. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, really.

And here’s something else: The Stockholm Syndrome — where hostages come to identify and agree with their captors — that’s a real phenomenon. It really is. I learned that for myself when, on the fourth day, I suddenly decided that I kind of agreed with the Republican philosophy of trickle-down economics. That’s why, to me, the tax cuts for the wealthy… aren’t a big problem. They’re the best part of the bill. [ enthuiastically ] You watch. I predict the rich will use that extra money to go out and create jobs. Millions and millions of jobs. It’s like Rush said on his show the other day: “I never got hired by a poor person.” [ he giggles coquettishly ]

So, if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi — or as I now like to call her: “San Francisco Nancy” — would just stop her obstructionist tactics and let this bill come to a vote, we can get our economy moving again. Now, “San Francisco Nancy” and her Democrat pals need to understand that, six weeks ago, the American people went to the polls and overwhelmingly rejected their San Francisco values… and their class warfare politics.

Now, one more thing: I would be remiss were I to appear before you tonight and not express my extreme disappointment — perhaps “outrage” is a better word — at the unjust treatment accorded Bristol Palin recently on “Dancing with the Stars”. The judges’ decision was a travesty. And I join the First Lady, as well as her fellow Mama Grizzlies, in condemning it.

Well, that’s all for tonight. I will see you next week in Tampa, Florida, when I join Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly as part of our Bold Fresh Tour. Now, in closing, let me reassure you that however long it takes, this nation’s current troubles will pass… because you Americans never have, and never will, give up. I say “You Americans” because, even though I always thought I was born here, uhhhh… lately I’ve begun to have my doubts.

Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Sexually Speaking

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Assistant…..Bill Hader
Pamela Shimpley…..Vanessa Bayer
Pamela’s Husband…..Bobby Moynihan
Tyler Baines…..Paul Rudd
Jenna Lynn Hofstren…..Abby Elliott
Stacey Englands…..Nasim Pedrad

Narrator: [voiceover w/several still images of Dr. Linda Marie Choice helping various people] You’re watching Sexually Speaking with Dr. Linda Marie Choice. Dr. Linda has been married seven times and specializes in sexual and reproductive health. And now with her personal approach to sexual issues, please welcome Dr. Linda Marie Choice.

[Fade in to studio. Instead of Dr. Linda Marie Choice, we see a fat, bald man sitting in the host’s chair]

Roger Brush: Uh, Dr. Linda is sick. I’m her producer Roger Brush. Dr. Linda’s daughter called and said she’s got a stomach thing. Now I don’t want to get too graphic, but she’s got clear water coming out of her butt. So, uh, I said please don’t come in, I’ll just take it from here. Alright – let’s, uh, let’s go to the audience.

[Cut to audience. The assistant, wearing a headset and holding a microphone, has his arm around an audience member]

Assistant: This is Pamela Shimpley, she has a question about her and her husband’s lovemaking.

Pamela Shimpley: Hi, I have an issue with my husband. I love him so much, but he’s…well…small.

Roger Brush: You know what, I…I can’t hear you, honey, be loud.

Pamela Shimpley: He has a small…penis?

Roger Brush: S…say it again?

Pamela Shimpley: He has a small penis.

Roger Brush: Small v-necks? Y…can anybody hear her? Y’know, you gotta eat that microphone.

Pamela Shimpley: His penis – it’s thin like a chicken bone.

Roger Brush: Oh, that…alri…I see what you’re saying. Look, how ‘bout this? Y’know, when he does it, just say “Ooo ooo baby, that’s the best I ever had!”

Pamela Shimpley: No, that’s not the problem.

Roger Brush: Aw ye… I dunno what to tell you, sweetheart. Y’know, I’m up here sweatin’ trying to help you out, and you’re badmouthing your husband behind his back, so…

Pamela Shimpley: No, I…I’m not. He’s right there. [cut to Pamela’s husband, looking humiliated]

Roger Brush: You’re the one with the skinny dingaling? I dunno what to tell you. Y’know, soak it in salt water and see if it plumps up. Y’know, I…I’m not the expert. Alright, who’s next?

Assistant: This is, uh, Tyler Baines. He has a really interesting question.

Tyler Baines: Uh, my partner and I have been together for four years. How do we keep our sex life exciting?

Roger Brush: Okay. Uh, have you tried tickling her?

Tyler Baines: Uh, it’s a he.

Roger Brush: It’s a what?

Tyler Baines: It’s a he.

Roger Brush: What? I, y’know, I can’t hear you. It sounds like you said it’s a he.

Tyler Baines: Y…I did.

Roger Brush: Your girlfriend is a he?

Tyler Baines: I have a boyfriend.

Roger Brush: Well, how did that happen?

Tyler Baines: What should we do?

Roger Brush: Uh, I dunno. Y’know, just look at your boyfriend and say, “You and I both know this is weird.” And, uh…y’know…just, y’know, close your eyes and do it and get it over with and hope for the best.

Tyler Baines: What? W…where’s Dr. Linda? She really helps people. She tells them to touch each other’s faces and be honest with one another. Y’know, helpful stuff like that.

Assistant: Very sorry sir, Dr. Linda is sick today.

Roger Brush: Yeah, you want Dr. Linda up here peein’ out of her ass? I, I don’t. Let’s get to the next person, who we got?

Assistant: This is Jenna Lynn Hofstren. She has a great question and she needs your help.

Roger Brush: Okay. You gotta eat that mic, sweetie.

Jenna Lynn Hofstren: My boyfriend seems more concerned with his own needs in bed than mine.

Roger Brush: And? What are you looking at? I said “and”. I don’t see the problem. Who’s next?

Assistant: This is Stacey Englands.

Stacey Englands: Hi. I wanna have sex with my boyfriend, but he wants to wait.

Roger Brush: Why’s he wanna wait? Y…for you to lose some weight or something? Y’know…uh, y’know, make him a meal and, uh, a card and say “Hey, I’m sorry about my thighs, but this is as good as it gets.”

Stacey Englands: What? I’m not overweight! Dr. Linda would never say that.

Assistant: Oh, I know I know I know.

Roger Brush: Hey, why are you taking her side? Look ma’am, I’m trying to help you out – you’re being a real diva! Yep. Hey, listen, I got problems of my own, y’know. My sister just asked me if she could borrow fifteen grand. I don’t know that I have it! Y’know…I mean, I have it, but I want it. Okay so, uh, who’s next?

Assistant: No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Alright, well, good. When we come back, Nurse Kellers is gonna show us how to find the G-Spot. Oh great.

Submitted by Nick F.

SNL Transcripts