Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Rock-A-Billy Lady Party Moisturizing Facial Cream

Jamilla Rose la Perkins…..Miley CyrusLynn Doot….. Kristen Wiig

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Hello! my name is Jamilla Rose la Perkins.

Lynn Doot: And I’m Lynn Doot and we know what you’re thinking.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Wow! Those ladies have flawless, milky skin.

Lynn Doot: And they also look like they could rock out and jam to rock music that they make themselves.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: That’s why were so excited to introduce our revolutionary new facial cream.

Lynn Doot: And our revolutionary Rock-A-Billy CD.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: You’re going to love them both.

Lynn Doot: Why? Because there not sold separately.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Why?

Lynn Doot: Because there not ok? This cream locks in moisture and fights fine lines.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: And this instrumental rock-a-bility music really rocks the jam.

Lynn Doot: What are they talking about?

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: This.

Lynn Doot: This.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Sounds great.

Lynn Doot: Absorbs. You’ll see results in just 2 weeks from the music.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: You’ll see results in 5 to 6 weeks from the cream.

Lynn Doot: But know that each container only has 4 weeks of cream.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Oh know you better buy 2 creams.

Lynn Doot: But the good news is you’ll get another CD with the second cream. 2 creams so you won’t run out. And 2 CDs one for you and one for your car. And even one for your friend.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: But if your friends likes the CD she’s eventually going to ask you about the cream that comes with it. And just know that with that cream you’re gonna get another CD or more.

Lynn Doot: So remember every time you get a cream there will be at least 1 CD as well.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Now, if you call right away and order 3 creams we’re gonna throw in a free CD.

Lynn Doot: You’ll be getting 3 creams and 4 CDs.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: How ever once you open the cream you can not return the CD.

Lynn Doot: But if you open the CD you can return un-open creams. And you’ll get a free CD.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: So basically you’re always going to be out creamed by your CDs.

Lynn Doot: Meaning you’ll always have more CDs than cream.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: They get it. So pick up your phone and ask for a cream by name. It’s called Rock-A-Billy Lady Party.

Lynn Doot: And the CD is called Moisturizing Facial Cream.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Did we mean to do that?

Lynn Doot: Maybe or maybe there was a mistake in the printers.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Maybe someone warned someone not to use that printer.

Lynn Doot: Maybe someone should’ve checked.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Maybe someone would have but they were to busy watching there friends 2 year old all the time.

Lynn Doot: You love Beth.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Yes I do, but she’s a lot.

Lynn Doot: So call now

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: One operator is standing by.

Lynn Doot: And get ready to look good and rock out cause you kind of have to.

Jamilla Rose la Perkins: Meaning there not sold separately.

Lynn Doot: They get Jamilla Rose!

Announcer: Cream and CD sold separately.

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Cruise Ship

Ginger Rangers…..Miley Cyrus
Cat Lady…..Kristen Wiig
Male Passenger #1…..Kenan Thompson
Female Passenger #1…..Abby Elliott
Male Passenger #2…..Taran Killam
Barb…..Vanessa Bayer
Pat…..Bobby Moynihan
Charles…..Paul Brittain

Ginger Rangers: Thank you! Hello everyone! I hope you’re enjoying your cruise above the S.S. Canada Star. My name is Ginger Rangers and there’s no place I’d rather be performing other than for all of you. Except maybe on Broadway, or maybe a recording artist. But this is where I am and I’m loving it! Let’s see who’s in the audience. Look at your jeweled sweatshirt.

Cat Lady: I jeweled it myself.

Ginger Rangers: Show us what it says.

Cat Lady: Uh… Well -– well it says “Cat Parking 24-7” because I like to have a cat parked right here right below my bra bottom.

Ginger Rangers: Amazing!
(singing)
“You people are gross to me.
So very, very gross to me!
When I look out, what do I see?
All a bunch grossy McGrossies! Gross!”

(she moves on to the couple at thr next table)

Ginger Rangers: Hey you two, little love birds. You guys an item?

Male Passenger #1: Uhh, kind of we met Eharmony after three years of being in their database.

Female Passenger #1: We love each other and he loves my one son.

Male Passenger #1: She has two boys.

Ginger Rangers: That’s so sweet.
(singing)
“You people are gross to me!
So very, very gross to me!
How could I possibly be singing for people so gross!
Gross!”

Male Passenger #2: Hey!!!

Ginger Rangers: Hey!!! You’re almost handsome!

Male Passenger #2: Hey!!!

Ginger Rangers: Hey!!! Back!!! Halfway handsome!

Male Passenger #2: Are you singing about us, ’cause I feel like you are.

Ginger Rangers: What if I was singing about everyone but you? What if that’s what I was doing? Wouldn’t that be mean?
(singing)
“Could’ve been singing on Broadway
I had several chances or two.
Now I’m singing for the grossest people on Earth.
All of their fingers smell like shrimp.
All of your fingers smell like shrimp!
GROSS!!!!!!!!!”

Male Passenger #1: Hey! Can you stop saying that we’re gross. We’re on vacation.

Ginger Rangers: I’m sorry. Are there any requests? (to Barb) Do you have any requests?

Barb: I love “My Heart Will Go On” by Titanic.

Ginger Rangers: Charles, what do you think?

Charles: (laughing) I’m not taking any requests from these animals.

Ginger Rangers: (singing)
“Why is everyone so gross to me?
Barb and Pat and the cat lady.
Plus the couple from Eharmony!
Why is everyone so gross?!”

Ginger Rangers: (to Male Passenger #2) C’mon! C’mon! Cm’on! Try it! You’re on vacation. You’re on a cruise, c’mon! C’mon! C’mon! Say it! (singing) “So gross!!!!!!!!” (speaking) C’mon! Try it!

Male Passenger #2: I’m not saying I’m gross!

Ginger Rangers: Just say it! (singing) “I’m gross!!!!”

Male Passenger #2: (singing) “I’m gross!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ginger Rangers: Give yourself a hand. Well, that’s my time. I hope I didn’t offend anybody. You’ve been a great audience.

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

The Disney Channel Acting School

…..Miley Cyrus
Raven Symone…..Kenan Thompson
Kid #1…..Paul Brittain
Kid #2…..Taran Killam
Kid #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Kid #4…..Abby Elliott

Miley Cyrus: Hi there! I’m Miley Cyrus from “Hannah Montana!”

Raven Symone: And from “That’s So Raven,” I’m so Raven-Symone!

Miley Cyrus: And if you’re a teen actor looking to improve your craft, look no further. It’s the “Disney Channel Acting School.”

Raven Symone: At the “Disney Channel Acting School,” we’ll teach you all the skills you need to be the star of your very own Disney Channel show.

Miley Cyrus: Disney Channel Acting is its own art form. And to master it, you’ll need to master a special set of tools.

(Both strike a pose)

Miley Cyrus: On Disney Channel every person needs to be the loudest person in the room. Watch…. What’s wrong, Jamantha?

Raven Symone: If I don’t get an A on my science project, I can’t go boogey boardin’ with Devan!

Miley Cyrus: Well, then you should talk Thomas into trading projects with you.

Raven Symone: GOOD IDEA!!!!!!!!!

Raven Symone: In the Disney Channel World, every child is smarter than every adult.

Kid #1: Hey sweetie you wanna see my stamp collection?

Raven Symone: O gee! Can I?! I bet there super cool.

Miley Cyrus: Sweet Niblets! You’ll also learn advanced techniques like, “The Pause then Dis.”

Raven Symone: So you have to pause then destroy the person, for example ask me if I like anchovies.

Kid #2: Do you like anchovies –

Raven Symone: Ehh… (10 second pause)… I don’t think so!

Miley Cyrus: Plus, we’ll show you how to master classic Disney Channel moves like… “Eating then Freezing.” “Reacting to Stinky Feet.”

Raven Symone: Ewww! OOOOOO! Ewwww!!!!!

Miley Cyrus: “Spying in a Doorway.” And “Entering on a Scooter!”

Kid #3: Did you hear Cody’s great grandma died!

Raven Symone: The funeral is Monday!

Miley Cyrus: Disney Channel is all about senserly overload. So you wanna make sure your cloths are as loud and crazy as you acting.

Kid #2: I’m auditioning for “Wizards of Waverly Place,” what should I where?

Raven Symone: How about a bright pink hoodie with a big ass daisy on it.

Kid #4: It’s a little bright.

Raven Symone: What did you say?

Miley Cyrus: Let me show you this blouse I whore on episode 75.

Raven Symone: Glasses on!

Kid #3: That’s so Raven!

Raven Symone: Shut up!

Miley Cyrus: So come on down to the Disney Channel Acting School! Call today! Parents permission, not needed!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Goodnights

…..Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus: Thank you guys so much for such a FUN Saturday night! I want to thank The Strokes! [ the audience applauds ] Well, they’re amazing to me. ave a good night, everyone. I want to thank “SNL” for having me here, it was a great time! Love you all at home!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

The Miley Cyrus Show

Miley Cyrus…..Vanessa Bayer
Billy Ray Cyrus…..Jason Sudeikis
Justin Bieber…..Miley Cyrus
Swagger Coach…..Taran Killam

(opens with big banner saying “The Miley Cyrus Show”)

Miley Cyrus: (singing) “I got guests and a show. And I’m ready to go! So I guess that’s pretty cool! It’s pretty cool!”

Miley Cyrus: (speaks) Shello! It’s Miley, yall! So this is like my show where I like talk to people that are pretty cool and we’ll like talk about things that I think are pretty cool and yeah! It’s pretty cool! We’ve got the Miley Cyrus Band over here. We got my dad, Billy Ray Cyrus!

Billy Ray Cyrus: You are so special baby girl!

Miley Cyrus: Thanks dad. Ok so today for my comedy monologue I thought I’d do one of my famous celebrity impressions. So I’m going to do an impression and see if you can guess who it is. (impersonating Charlie Sheen) Hey, so I’m like the star of Two and a half men and I’m completely crazy and I’ve done a bunch of interviews lately and stuff like that and I’m Charlie Sheen, yall! Ok, so that was me doing an impression of Charlie Sheen. I thought it was pretty funny.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Ho, ho, ho, ho! I love your impressions baby, you’re like a pretty little Darrell Hammond!

Miley Cyrus: Shwatever dad! So, my guest tonight is a lot like me by whih I mean pretty cool. Please welcome, you guessed it, Justin Bieber! Hey Justin!

Justin Bieber: Hey Miley! It’s a cool show!

Miley Cyrus: Really?!

Justin Bieber: Yeah, we’ll see.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, so, Justin, what have you been up to lately?

Justin Bieber: You know I’m just chillin’ right now. Wink, cocky head, points.

Miley Cyrus: Wow! Justin Bieber, where do you get all of those cool moves?

Justin Bieber: You know, I brought my Swagger coach. (reveal his couch offstage) Thanks B-Bop!

Miley Cyrus: That’s pretty cool! Wait a minute! Justin Bieber, did you cut your hair?

Justin Bieber: Yeah ya know, it’s just an image change. I also do the middle finger now.

Miley Cyrus: So you’re growing upm like me doing Salvia! Did you know I smoked Salvia?

Justin Bieber: You know there’s no reason why you wouldn’t, because it’s totally legal, yo!

Miley Cyrus: Now Justin, I knew you were gonna be a big star ever since we met it 2006. We actually have a picture from that day. Can we show it? (show picture of teenaged Miley holding a baby Bieber) So that’s pretty cool! So, how do you like the show so far, Justin?

Justin Bieber: It’s okay.

Miley Cyrus: Would you say it’s pretty cool?

Justin Bieber: No, actually, I wouldn’t say that.

(Miley stares down Bieber)

Billy Ray Cyrus: Woo-hoo! It’s a Mexcan stand-off, if the Mexicans were tiny, talented geniuses!

Justin Bieber: MR. CYRUS!!!!!!!!!!

Miley Cyrus: DAD!!!!!!! So, Justin Bieber, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Like, what is your favorite album? And what is Canada like? And do you speak Canadian? And does Usher have to seek people at his own concerts because he’s an usher? And do you really never say never? And have you gone through puberty?

Justin Bieber: All I have to say to that is wink, chin.

Miley Cyrus: Now Justin, you recently released a 3-D movie about you’re life called “Never Say Never.” Which is really cool, cause, I just made my own 3-D movie about my life and how I got started and let’s see a clip!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Is she awake? Hey Miley! How’s my little angel baby?

Miley Cyrus: O-my-god! This is like so insightful cause I’m a baby but I’m already super talented and stuff like that and this is like super cool home video footage and this is all so goo goo gag a! In 3-D!

Miley Cyrus: So that’s the clip what did you think?

Justin Bieber: I thought it was pretty cool! I mean ugh ugh it was cool!

Miley Cyrus: Well that’s our show everybody! C-mon Justin! Hit it dad!

Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber: (singing) “I got guests! And a show! And I’m ready to go! So, I guess that’s pretty cool! It’s pretty cool!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Miley Cyrus’ Monologue

…..Miley Cyrus
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Miley Cyrus!

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! Thank you, guys! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. The cast is amazing! Tonight, we have guests… and a show… and I’m ready to go. So… I guess that’s pretty cool!

You know, I did a show for a long time, called “Hannah Montana”. You know, it explored TWO sides of the same girl — normal by day, rock star by night. It’s like the Disney Channel’s version of “Black Swan”. I’ve been in the public eye for almost half my life, and I’m mostly a White Swan kind of girl, but… there have been a few Black Swan moments. You know, I’ve never been arrested or anything. My scandals are more like… Miley and some girl were chewing on the same Twizzler, someone took a photo, and now it’s all over the Internet. And, you know, that may upset some people, and… for that, I’m truly sorry. Let me put it this way:

[ singing ]
“There’s a photo of me being kissed by a dude
And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
For those of you who think that’s very crude
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!

I never stole a necklace or got a D.U.I.
Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
So what, you can see a little boob from the side?
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect!

And sure, I danced on a pole and people called it sinning
But at least I didn’t date a porn star and tell everyone I’m “winning”.”

[ Bobby Moynihan and Kristen Wiig appear as back-up singers ]

Kristen Wiig: [ singing ] “Didn’t make a dirty tape and pass it along.”

Bobby Moynihan: [ singing ] “Didn’t text a photo of your dong.”

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] “Don’t both of these things seem worse than a bo-o-o-o-o-o-ong?”

[ she waits for the audience to applaud ]

“I’m sorry!”

Bobby & Kristen: She’s sorry!

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] So sorry!

Bobby & Kristen: So sorry!

Miley Cyrus: [ singing ] Really sorry… that I’m… not… perfe-e-e-e-e-e-ect!

[ the audience cheers ]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you! We’ve got a great ahow for you guys tonight! The Strokes are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Les Jeunes de Paris

Francois…..Taran Killam
Marius…..Paul Brittain
French Guy…..Bobby Moynihan
Francois’ Girlfriend…..Miley Cyrus
French Girl #1…..Nasim Pedrad
French Girl #2…..Abby Elliott
Mime…..Andy Samberg

[ open on France 3 graphic, with female voiceover ]

[ cut to opening credits: Metro station, skaters, the Eiffel Tower, etc. ]

[ dissolve to Parisian club, as French Girl #1 stands in the center of the room ]

[ Francois and his buddies stand by the jukebox, laughing amongst themselves ]

[ Francois sees French Girl #1 and points her out to his approving buddies ]

[ Francois saunters over, speaks a pick-up line, then engages in some heavy lip action with French Girl #1 ]

[ suddenly, Girl enters the club ]

Francois’ Girlfriend: Francois!

[ she yells at Francois, who clumsily tries to make excuses, until: ]

Francois: Marius!

[ Marius thumps the jukebox, which begins to play “Tekitoi” by Rachid Taha ]

[ Francois holds his hands together and thrusts them between both girls, until all three begin to dance wildly at the center of the room ]

[ Francois holds out a long-stemmed rose to French Girl #1, who crumples it in her hands ]

[ Francois holds out a long-stemmed rose to the Girl, who takes a bite and chews the rose in her mouth ]

[ the entire room begins to dance wildly ]

[ Marius hands two glasses of wine to Francois, who hands one to each girl ]

[ both girls start to sip their glass of wine, then toss it in Francois’ face ]

[ everyone continues to dance wildy, as Francois dances off-frame ]

[ the two girls move closer to one another, ready to put up their dukes ]

[ Francois arises between them and tries to encourage them to fight, but they gang up on him instead ]

[ everyone continues to dance wildy again ]

[ the girls once again holds up their dukes to one another, ready for a fight ]

[ Francois arises between them again, and shoves a crepe into his mouth as the song hits a high note ]

[ Francois and the two girls dance in a ring-around-the-rosie motion, as Marius circles them ]

[ Francois’ girlfriend puts some dance moves on Marius ]

[ Francois reaches for a mime and puts some inappropriate dance moves on him ]

[ disgusted, the Mime mimes pouring water into a glass, tosses it into Francois’ face, then tugs his way out of the room across an invisible rope ]

[ French guy steps forward with a camera and flashes pictures of Francois and his gilfriend, who pose between arguing at one another ]

[ easels are placed before Francois and his girlfriend ]

[ she quickly paints a country setting ]

[ Francois quickly paints a topless man sitting on a large poodle ]

[ the two girls hold out their fists at Francois as they all perform a short dance step ]

[ two chairs are placed in the center of the room, as Francois and his girlfriend each take a seat and grab a book to read ]

[ Francois’ girlfriend reads from Camus, then reaches over to pull a Playboy Magazine from between the pages of his book and reveal her shock ]

[ Francois reaches inside the Playboy Magazine and pulls out a glass of wine, which he tosses into his own face ]

[ the chairs are pulled away, as Francois begins dancing with both girls ]

[ as the girls dance, Francois rips off his pants to reveal a red skirt, then he crosses his arms and grabs hands with each girl and continues to dance with them ]

[ a scuba diver performs a flip, then performs a split and holds up his arms at the same time as everyone else in the room ]

[ the Mime jumps in and holds his arms up with everyone else ]

[ the music and the dancing ceases ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Our Time! With taboo and apl.de.ap!

apl.de.ap…..Kenan Thompson
Taboo…..Andy Samberg
Fergie…..Miley Cyrus
Will.i.am…..Jay
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Your favorite members of the Black Eyed Peas present “Our Time” With Taboo and apl.de.ap! And now show some respect, it’s Taboo and apl.de.ap, y’all!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: (singing) “It’s out time! Our Time! Tonight it is! Tonight!”

Apl.de.ap: Yeah! Woo! Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to “Our Time!” Finally, our own show!

Taboo: Just like the people wanted!

Apl.de.ap: Okay! Let me start by introducing myself. My name is apl.de.ap and I am in the Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo: And I am Taboo, and I am also in The Black Eyed Peas!

Both: We are in the Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo: Here is a picture of us at the Super Bowl in our Tron oufits.

(show publicity photo)

Apl.de.ap: I am the one on the back right.

Taboo: And on the left, that is my hand.

Apl.de.ap: It is so great to finally have our own show where people can get to know us. Let us show you.

Taboo: Nice to meet you. Me-omo Taboo. I have my own line of jackets called 1,000 Pockets! And, also, despite the rumors, I am not a Japanese ghost.

Apl.de.ap: I’m apl.de.ap. And I own a chain of unsuccessful neighborhood restaurants called Apl.de.apl.bees. Also…

Both: We are in the Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo: But we are not here to talk about the group. This is about us. Not wil.i.am not Fergie –-

Apl.de.ap: No! No! Don’t say her name!

(Fergie and Will.i.am appear)

Fergie: (singing) “People in the place!!!!” (speaking) Did someone say my name?

Apl.de.ap: Uh! Hey Fergie, hey wil.i.am!

Fergie: We just wanted to see if you guys needed us.

Will.i.am: (singing) “Just helping out!!!”

Apl.de.ap/Taboo: No!! We’re fine! Noo!!!!!!!

Fergie: Okay, sorry right! This is your show!

Will.i.am: (singing) “I got that boom boom boom!!!”

Apl.de.ap: C’mon man! Sorry, everone, for that interruption. Uh, let’s bring out a guest. She’s the best Kardashian sister. Please welcome Khloe Kardashian!

Both: (singing) :Here we go! Our first guest! Is Khloe K.!”

Khloe Kardashian: Heyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apl.de.ap: Khloe! Wow! Thank you so much for being here! We know you are so busy!

Khloe Kardashian: Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Apl.de.ap: But bfore we begin, we are both in the Black Eyed Peas. I’m apl.de.ap.

Khloe Kardashian: What kind of name is apl.de.ap?

Apl.de.ap: Well, you know how wil.i.am is a way of saying William? Apl.de.ap is a way of saying Apltoodlepip.

Taboo: And I am named after the board game Taboo.

Apl.de.ap: Now, Khloe, even though you are a big part of the Kardashian family, like us, sometimes you go unappreciated.

Khloe Kardashian: I know, it’s so literally unfair! What people need to realize that we Kardashians are all equally untalented.

Apl.de.ap: Also, like us, you are very diverse. You are Armenian and you are married to an African American!

Khloe Kardashian: Yeah, that’s right! And you guys are – well what race are you guys?

Apl.de.ap: Well I’m a black Philipino, also known as a Philibleno.

Taboo: And I am from the Matrix!

Apl.de.ap: But, Khloe, this is your time. Why don’t you take a minute and tell us something we don’t know about you.

Khloe Kardashian: I’m Khloe. I have a new fragrance out. I can pull a twenty-pound truck using only my teeth. And my favorite Black Eyed Pea is Fergie!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: No! No! Don’t say her name!

(Fergie and Will.i.am appear)

Fergie: (singing) People in the place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will.i.am: Gotta get that!

Fergie: Just wanted to see if you guys needed us?

Taboo: You already did that!

Fergie: Ok I’m sorry! (singing) Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apl.de.ap: Oh, man! Khloe, I’m so sorry about that!

Khloe Kardashian: No! That was awesome, I got to see that Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: But we’re the Black Eyed Peas man!

Taboo: We are interesting people!

Apl.de.ap: Absolutely! Taboo was on the cover of this month’s Vaguely Asian magazine! Alright! Well, Khloe, you have been so 3,008 today… would you like to sing with us?

Khloe Kardashian: Well, I’ve never sung before!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: Neither have we! Here we go!

All: (singing) “I can feel it! This has been out time!! With Taboo! And Apl.de.ap!!!!! No! Go!!!! C’mon man!!!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

The Essentials with Robert Osborne

Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudeikis
Captain Von Trapp…..Bill Hader
Maria…..Kristen Wiig
Liesl…..Miley Cyrus
Friedrich…..Taran Killam
Louisa…..Abby Elliott
Richie Inez Jr…..Fred Armisen
Kurt…..Bobby Moynihan
Gretl…..Vanessa Bayer
Brigitta…..Nasim Pedrad
Rolfe…..Andy Samberg

Robert Osborne: Hello! I’m Robert Osborne! And welcome to the Essentials where we take a behind the scenes look at America’s greatest films. Tonight: 1965’s “The Sound of Music.” The film is filled with timeless characters and scenes. But tonight, we show you the moments you haven’t seen. The ones that ended up on the cutting room floor. Let’s take a look.

Captain Von Trapp: Hello Maria! I expect my children to behave at all times. I am placing them in your command.

Maria: Oh, yes sir!

Captain Von Trapp: When I sound the whistle, they will step forward and say their name.

Liesl: Liesl.

Friedrich: Friedrich.

Louisa: Louisa.

Richie Inez Jr.: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Ricardo! But most people call me Richie. Except for my landlord — he just calls me late, you know!

Captain Von Trapp: Hold on, Maria! This is my adopted son, Richie.

Liesl: Richie didn’t grow up in Austria, Fraulien.

Richie Inez Jr.: Oh no! I grew up in the hood! Ever hear of 125th street? Yeah, we used to call that downtown! The bus wouldn’t even go to my neighborhood. The only bus was 15 chillas garbage trucks goin da. Dalalala.

Robert Osborne: Though not in the original script, the part of Richie was added by studio head Darryl Zanuck, as a vehicle for the 34 year old Hispanic comedian Richie Inez Jr. When director Robert Wise compained, Zanuck memorably quipped two machups, welcome to Hollywood! Let’s take a look at another lost scene.

Liesl: (singing) “I am 16 going on 17, I know that I’m naïve. Fellows I meet tell me I’m sweet. And willingly I believe!”

Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Check it out! When I was 16, I lived in the projects! We didn’t played hide and seek. We just played hide. I would hide behind the fridge. You would see a cockroach back there. Sshh! That’s hiding, too! And I would never hide behind the fridge on Larway.

Liesl: Right. Richie, can you keep a secret? Rolfe and I are in love. Isn’t it wonderful?

Richie Inez Jr.: Oh! Yeah! Yeah! I know about love, man! Growing up on my block there was this girl named Juanita! She had long legs and one of those Dominican butts. Rolfe, you know what I’m talking about?

Rolfe: Oh! I know!

Richie Inez Jr.: Hahaha! He knows! He knows what I’m talking about.

Liesl: (singing) “I need someone older and wiser. Telling me what to do.”

Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! You single chica! Don’t give up on that ok?

Robert Osborne: If you listen closely at the end of that scene, you can hear Julie Andrews say: “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Richie Inez Jr. filmed for 7 weeks on location in Salzburg, Austria. Cast members said he spent most of that time pointing out things that he didn’t have while growing up. Fun Fact: All of Richie’s lines were lifted from the 1964 comedy album “Wanted: Dead or Hispanic.” Let’s take a look at one final scene.

Kids: (singing) “So long! Fare well! I’ll leave and say goodnight!”

Friedrich/Louisa: We hate to go! And miss this pretty sight!

Kids: So long! Fare well! I’ll leave and say Ado!

Liesl: Ado! Ado! To you and you and you!

Richie Inez Jr.: Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! One last thing, ok! Bring down the music! Kurt, hand me that microphone! Alright!!!!!! Now, a lot of you out there are afraid of the Germans. You know what I was afraid of when I was growing up? My grandma! She used to sleep with one eye open with a bat in her hand! You can think about breaking something! Wapa!!!! I didn’t do anything wrong! You guys know what I’m talking about!

Liesl: Wrap it up, Richie!!

Richie Inez Jr.: Okay, I’m gonna wrap it up now! But every year on your birthday, she’s gonna make you friend panties! You know that panties! Put a half stick of butter in there! And then she puts in the panties! Bsh!!!!!!! And that sound, to me, that’s the sound of music, man!

Robert Osborne: Richie Inez Jr. went on to be cut out of several Hollywood classics! Including “The Graduate.” “Star Wars.” And “Jaws.” Where he famously said “We’re gonna need a bigger butt.” For “The Essentials,” I’m Robert Osborne!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

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December 11th, 2010

Paul Rudd

Paul McCartney

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A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: After being held hostage by the Republican Party, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) willingly authorizes tax cuts for the rich.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Rudd’s MonologueSummary: Paul Rudd mistakenly thought fans chanting “Paul! Paul!” outside the building were interested in him, until he realizes his musical guest is Paul McCartney.

Transcript

Feline Culinary CreationsSummary: Succulent gourmet dishes are used as the inspiration for the wet square glop that ends up in finicky cats’ dinner bowls.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd) greet Romanian relatives (Nasim Pedrad, Paul Brittain) with wet, sloppy kisses over Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Santa Claus.

What’s That Name?Summary: Game show contestants (Paul Rudd, Vanessa Bayer) recognize third-tier celebrities, but can’t recall the little people like a building doorman (Kenan Thompson) and cleaning lady (Kristen Wiig) who are a part of their daily lives.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last month’s episode hosted by Scarlett Johansson.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Paul Rudd are “Stumblin'” through life, with a tiny harmonica interlude courtesy of Paul McCartney.

Julian Assange in PrisonSummary: From prison, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange (Bill Hader interrupts a MasterCard ad to threaten his return to do personal harm against favorite Internet web sites.

Recurring Characters: Julian Assange.

Transcript

Sexually SpeakingSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Paul McCartney join Seth Meyers for a Weekend Update Audio Caption by Prince Charles and Camilla. Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate New York hotspots for families on Christmas vacation.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Holiday JamSummary: Math teacher (Paul Rudd) makes bad puns as the school principal (Jay Pharoah) gets overemotional about the school mascot.

Meryl Streep On IceSummary: Despite lack of experience, Meryl Streep (Abby Elliott) is a beloved genius when she straps on a pair of ice skates and performs at Madison Square Garden.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”Lyrics

Broadway CaresSummary: Paul Rudd’s efforts to perform a solo from “Cabaret” is interrupted by stagehand Jeff’s (Jason Sudeikis) antics with the spotlight.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “A Day in the Life” / “Give Peace a Chance”Lyrics

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.

Job FairSummary: Recruiters (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) interview a series of nervous and/or weird people and Paul McCartney for an available computer job.

BlackjackSummary: Blackjack dealer doesn’t properly deal the cards to players.

The Giving TreeSummary: Storyteller (Paul Rudd) goes nuts while reading a Christmas story to kids.

SNL Transcripts