Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Celebrity Teen Crisis Center

Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Teen #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Teen #2…..Paul Brittain
Ice-T…..Fred Armisen
Teen #3…..Nasim Pedrad.
Anna Faris…..Abby Elliott
Teen #4…..Taran Killam
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharaoh
Teen #5…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: This Spring: When teens are in trouble, celebs come in to rescue. VH-1’s “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. Real celebrities answering real teen calls.

[ dissolve to teen call center phone manned by Alan Alda ]

Alan Alda: Hey there, you’re on with Alan Alda! What’s your — what’s your problem, kid?

Teen #1: Yeah. Some dudes in my school want me to join a gang. I don’t know what to do!

Alan Alda: Gosh, you know — that — that — that is a pickle, you know? when they asked me join the casr of “M*A*S*H”, I didn’t know what to do. But I joined, and life’s been cream cheese since then, yeah!

Teen #1: [ absorbing this advice ] Okay. Well, I’ll join that gang, then! Hey, thanks for the advice, Alan Alda!

[ Alan Alda cocks his fingers happily ]

[ cut to Mickey Rooney manning another phone ]

Mickey Rooney: Uh? [ he reaches down to lift his leg, then notices the phone and picks up ] This is Mickey Rooney!

Teen #2: Who?

Mickey Rooney: I was the Number One star in the world! You hear me? BANG! [ he puffs slowly ] The world!

Teen #2: How does that help me get through high school?

Mickey Rooney: Ask me what Ava Gardner was like!

Teen #2: What — What was Ava Gardner like?

Mickey Rooney: You’ll never know! [ he drops the phone ]

[ cut to Ice T sitting coolly by a phone as it rings ]

Ice T: Looks like you on da phone with Ice T!

Teen #3: Hi. I’ve never done this before…

Ice T: You’ve never made a telephone call before?

Teen #3: No, I’ve never called one of these numbers. But, I went to a party last night, and I think someone put something in my drink.

Ice T: Like an OLIVE, or sumthing?

Teen #3: No! I think some guy had a roofie and dropped it in my cup.

Ice T: And now you want to RETURN it to him?

Teen #3: Come on! Didn’t you do an episode about roofies on “SVU”?

Ice T: Yeah! And Ice T was confused then, too. [ he turns to Anna Faris in the next chair ] Looks like I’m not gettin’ through to her, Anna Faris!

[ Anna Faris giggles as she answers a separate phone ]

Anna Faris: Hellooooooo!!

Teen #4: Hi. I — I just wish my dad wouldn’t drink so much?

Anna Faris: Wowwww! Drunk Dad! Euggghhhh!! Bum-merrrr!

Teen #4: Yeah.

Anna Faris: YEAH!!

Teen #4: ..Yeah. So, what’s your advice?

Anna Faris: I KNOW, right! Oooohhhhh!! [ she hangs up ]

[ cut to Eddie Murphy manning another phone ]

Eddie Murphy: Yeah, come on, now — tell Eddie Murphy your problem!

Teen #5: Um — I just found out I’m pregnant!

Eddie Murphy: [ stunned ] How old are you?!

Teen #5: Fifteen.

Eddie Murphy: You fifteen? More like you about to be a SIZE FIFTEEN!! [ he yuks it up ] That is HILARIOUS! So funny!

Teen #5: Please! This is serious!

Eddie Murphy: That’s crazy, man! Your ass is gonna be the ONLY girl at spring Break with STRETCH MARKS!! [ he laughs loudly ]

Teen #5: Come on, Eddie Murphy!

Eddie Murphy: Hey, look, I was just kidding! Hey, look, you not even gonna get to GO to Spring Break! Your ass is gonna be HOME with your baby watching “Yo Gabba BABA!” [ squinting ] Or “Yo Gabba… Yo Gabba Gabba”. WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS!! [ he yuks it up ] That is so CRAZY!!

[ cut to promo slide ]

Announcer: “Celebrity Teen Crisis Center”. It may be horrible advice, but it’s free.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Wayne’s World

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Gath Algar…..Dana Carvey

[ open on Cable 10 card ]

Announcer: You’re watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois cable access channel.

[ dissolve to “Wayne’s World” basement set ]

Wayne & Garth:
“Wayne’s World!
Wayne’s World!
Party Time!
Excellent!”

Wayne Campbell: PARRRRRRRRRTYYYYYYY!!! Alright!

Garth Algar: Yeah!

Wayne Campbell: Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth Algar: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne Campbell: Party on, Garth! Okay! So, Garth — what’s been going on?

Garth Algar: Well, as you may remember the last time you saw me, I got pubes!

Wayne Campbell: Good! Yeah! Good work, my friend!

Garth Algar: What’s been going on with you, Wayne?

Wayne Campbell: Well, last month, strangely enough, a monkey literally flew out of my butt!

Garth Algar: No way!

Wayne Campbell: Waaaay!

Garth Algar: No waaaay!

Wayne Campbell: WAY!!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: Okay! That was fun!

Garth Algar: Good!

Wayne Campbell: Alright!

Garth Algar: Love that way!

Wayne Campbell: It was good! Okay! It’s Oscar time, so now we bring you… our Oscar picks.

Together:
“It’s Wayne’s World!
Oscar Picks!
Party Time!
Excellent!”

Wayne Campbell: Alright!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: What a year in film it’s been.

Garth Algar: Really.

Wayne Campbell: Yeah. A veritible feast for the cinephile amongst us.

Garth Algar: Yes! And, best of all, this year there was a movie called… [ he holds up film poster ] “Winter’s Bone”!

[ Wayne and Garth laugh amongst themselves ]

Wayne Campbell: Seriously, people! We didn’t make it up! The film is called “Winter’s Bone”! Garth — Garth — have you seen it?

Garth Algar: Uh — no. My mom wouldn’t let me.

Wayne Campbell: Your mom? How old are you?

Garth Algar: [ in close-up ] It was never determined.

Wayne Campbell: Okay! Let’s go to our picks for Best Actor.

Garth Algar: I liked [ pronounced with the “J” ] Javiar Bardam.

Wayne Campbell: Actually, Garth — it’s pronounced Havier Bardam.

Garth Algar: Oh. Well, excuse me. I feel like a total… herk-off!

Wayne Campbell: Alright! Let’s go to Best Actress. Natalie Portman is SO hot… in “Black Swan”.

Garth Algar: Yeah. She’s so hot, I could make a Mila out of her Kunis!

Wayne Campbell: [ stunned ] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Garth Algar: I don’t kiss my mom on the mouth!

Wayne Campbell: Really? Everyone else does!

Garth Algar: Hey! That’s my mom you’re talking about!

Wayne Campbell: I owned you! I’m sorry about that!

Garth Algar: Come on, it’s my mom! I only have one!

Wayne Campbell: I know! Okay, our Oscar pick for Best Actress goes to Jennifer Lawrence… from “Winter’s Bone”. And, why?

[ Wayne and Garth lean in for close-up with SUPER ]

Together: “Winter’s Bone”!

Wayne Campbell: This film has not yet been rated. Okay!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: Now, Best Supporting Actor. And the Oscar pick goes to… John Hocks.

Garth Algar: Oh, really? What movie is he in?

[ Wayne and Garth lean in for close-up with SUPER ]

Together: “Winter’s Bone”!

Wayne Campbell: This film has not yet been seen.

Garth Algar: Okay!

Wayne Campbell: Let’s talk about the Oscar hosts, okay? The Oscar host. James Franco… and Anne Hathaway.

Garth Algar: Yeah! Anne hath a way… of giving me a bone!

[ they snicker at the joke, then lean in for close-up with SUPER ]

Together: “Winter’s Bone”!

Wayne Campbell: This joke has been done three times. Okay!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: Now, Best Picture. There’s ten nominees. You know? So it’s a tough one this year.

Garth Algar: Let’s start with… “The Fighter”.

Wayne Campbell: I loved Marky Mark in this, especially with his shirt off. I thought he was super sexy.

Garth Algar: [ stunned ] What?!

Wayne Campbell: Sorry. That was an “inside thought.” Okay. Alright!

Garth Algar: Alright! Okay!

Wayne Campbell: Moving on! “The King’s Speech”. This is the film where Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter are a [ stuttering ] c-c-c-c-couple… and in the end they get together and they f-f-f-f-forgive each other!

Garth Algar: Yeah! In the BUTT!

[ they snicker at the joke ]

Wayne Campbell: That was well deconstructed! Well deconstructed!

Garth Algar: Yeah!

Wayne Campbell: Okay! “Toy Story 3”.

Garth Algar: I can’t believe a teenage boy doesn’t want to play with his Woody any more!

Wayne Campbell: Yeah. Not believable. Not believable. No. not really.

Garth Algar: Next: “127 Hours”.

Wayne Campbell: Well, that was some good, armless fun. Armless fun!

Garth Algar: Yeah! ‘Cause her arm, remember?

Wayne Campbell: Yeah!

Garth Algar: Alright, okay! “True Grit”. That’s where Jeff Bridges has an eyepatch.

Wayne Campbell: You know, I may be damning this with faint praise, but I think it was my favorite cycloptic performance of the year.

Garth Algar: Uh, techincally, just because he has an eyepatch… doesn’t mean he’s a cyclops.

Wayne Campbell: Oh. Well, thank you, Garth. Yeah, annerdsezwhat?

Garth Algar: What?

Wayne Campbell: A nerd… says what?

Garth Algar: What?

Wayne Campbell: Alango! [ he laughs ] Okay! Alright, next! “The Kids Are Alright”.

Garth Algar: A lot of steamy action in THAT movie! Annette Bening on Julianne Moore, Julianne Moore on Mark Ruffalo…

Wayne Campbell: Wait — she wasn’t on Colin Firth?

Garth Algar: No.

Wayne Campbell: Then, who’s on Firth?

Garth Algar: Naomi Watts.

Wayne Campbell: Watts on Firth?

Garth Algar: No.

Wayne Campbell: Then, who’s on Firth?

Garth Algar: That’s what I’m trying to tell you!

Together: And… scene!

Wayne Campbell: Okay!

Garth Algar: Okay!

Wayne Campbell: Alright!

Garth Algar: Alright!

Wayne Campbell: And our Oscar pick for Best Movie goes to… “The Social Network”.

Garth Algar: NOT!!

Wayne Campbell: Yeah.

Garth Algar: The Oscar pick goes to…

Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 12th, 2011

Russell Brand

Chris Brown

None

None

None

The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Jason Sudeikis) presents Part 3 of his pre-Super Bowl interview with President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Bil O’Reilly, President Barack Obama.

Montage

Russell Brand’s MonologueSummary: Russell Brand rambles through a host of comedic topics.

Gublin & GreenSummary: Attorneys Gublin & Green collect settlements for people injured while working for or attending the “Spider-Man” musical.

Ultimate Vacation GiveawaySummary: Cheryl Bryant (Kristen Wiig) is more excited about the ultimate vacation giveaway than the actual winner (Russell Brand).

Recurring Characters: Cheryl Bryant.

Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re RoSummary: Trailer for a new British film features unintelligible dialogue.

Transcript

The King’s TasterSummary: King Reginald’s (Russell Brand) taster (Taran Killem) is relunctant to accept his duty after witnessing how the King goes out of his way to harass his chef (Bill Hader).

Transcript

Chris Brown performs “Yeah 3x”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Recently-resigned Egyptian president Hosni Mubarek (Fred Armisen) gives his version of events. Lil Wayne (Jay Pharoah) and Eminem (Taran Killem) debut their new Valentine’s Day single. Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Hosni Mubarek, Eminem, Stefon.

Livin’ SingleSummary: Dina D’Angelo (Vanessa Bayer) professes to enjoy being single, yet is aroused ay amorous pastry chef (Russell Brand).

Transcript

A Spot of TeaSummary: Proper British old ladies (Russell Brand, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) attempt to enjoy their tea and talk despite a constant barrage of earthquakes.

Chris Brown performs “No Bullshit”

Time MachineSummary: To finalize party debate regarding the Founding Fathers, general (Jason Sudeikis) delivers George Washington (Russell Brand) via time travel, but he doesn’t adapt well to his modern surroundings and has to be killed.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The TalkSummary: Steven Tyler (Russell Brand) appears as a guest on the insipid knock-off of “The View”.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.

Fashion ShowSummary: IIn a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) comments on lame party action.

The HypnotistSummary: A model’s death doesn’t stop the fashion show from going on.

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Valentine’s Day Sex SymposiumSummary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex and Valentine’s Day.

Recurring Characters: “Sex” Ed Vincent.

The WizardSummary: A wizard (Russell Brand) creeps out his date (Nasim Pedrad) with dirty talk while flying her on his broom.

Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse IISummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) comments on lame party action.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

Goodnights

…..Russell Brand

Russell Brand: Thank you very much to Chris Brown, everyone! Thank you! And I’d love to thank the wonderful cast and the incredible crew at “Saturday Night Live”! It’s an incredible institution! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! Thanks to all the crew! [ he holds up a bandaged finger ] I hurt meself! Look — I BLED for you! [ to Chris Brown ] No bad blood! [ Brown laughs ] Also, I’d like to thank Phil Hymes the lighting director for being a wonderful human being and demonstrating what it means to be a man! Thank you very much! Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re Ro

Terry Donovan….Bill Hader
Parole Board Officer….Kristen Wiig
British Gangster….Fred Armisen
Rastaman….Russell Brand
Terry’s wife….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with distinguished recognition from Film festivals]

[Official Selection Cannes Film Festival. Venice Film Festival. Berlin Film Festival]

Announcer: Terry Donovan spent 17 years in an English prison.

[Terry walks out the prison gate]

[Terry meets his Parole Officer]

Parole Officer: Do you feel that you’re rehabilitated, Mr. Donovan?

Terry Donovan: Yeah, right.

[Terry shares an elevator with a couple of Brit thugs. A bald British Gangster with a pitbull sits on a couch]

British Gangster: I’ve got a job for you, Terry.

Terry Donovan: No, don’t. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.

[A gun is being loaded]

Announcer: But he’ll pick up a gun once again to defend the one thing he loves.

British Gangster: If you don’t do what we say…[holds a picture of a little girl] we’ll….sajawama jamawajmaja.

[Terry responds in anger with the same English incomprehensible pikey slang]

Terry Donovan: Naw! Hawaw! Bihaduran! Dina! Mate!

Announcer: The critics are raving: “British… Extremely British… I didn’t understand what they were saying”

[More gibberish between Terry and the British Gangster]

[Terry drives a car, intense look]

Announcer: From the producers of “Sexy Beast”, the “Red Riding trilogy” and “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”.

[Terry chases and catches a Rasta looking thug. He roughs him up against a door]

Terry: [muttering British slang]

Rastaman: [even more complicated slang]

Announcer: And the director of “Easy Around the Bend” and “Go Rough, All right” comes the toughest, grittiest, most British crime drama of the year.

[Terry holds up a gun]

Terry Donovan: Don’ you go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro. [fires the gun]

Announcer: Don’ you go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro.

[Terry walks in slow motion]

USA Today says: “I thought they were speaking a foreign language. I don’t think I heard a single consonant.”

[Terry and his wife talk in the kitchen]

Terry’s wife: If we don’t pay, they’re going to kill her.

Terry Donovan: Darling, go say I told him to….[muttering more pikey slang]

Terry’s wife: But what if you’re wrong?

[Terry screams incoherently in slow motion, a gun fires, British Gangster punches a heavy punching bag, laughs]

Announcer: Time magazine says: “Is there a way to turn on subtitles for a movie in English? If so, which button is it?

[Rastaman talks on an intercom]

Rastaman: Hey! Oi! Hey! Oi! Hey! Oi! Ai!

[Rastaman is buzzed in]

[Rastaman plays cards in slow motion and British Gangster keeps punching the punching bag]

Announcer: Peter Travers says: “The one guy in a tracksuit, “Gypsy” or “Crispy” was good. Either way it seemed like a lot of killing over a very small amount of money.”

[Terry, Rastaman and the British Gangster point their guns at each other. They screamed and mutter pikey slang]

British Gangster: Oi! Oi! Oi![fires gun]

Announcer: Don’ you go Rounin’ Roun to Re Ro.

[Terry talks softly to his wife in unintelligible slang]

Terry’s wife: What?

[visit: www.donyougorouninrountorero.com]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

Livin’ Single

DJ Terry…..Taran Killam
Dina D’Angelo…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman #1…..Abby Elliott
Woman #2…..Kristen Wiig
Damian Cryer…..Russell Brand

[ open on Oxygen Network logo ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Livin’ Single”!

[ dissolve to bouncy opening montage ]

Announcer: She’s a best-selling author, and she did it all WITHOUT a man!

[ dissolve to DJ Terry ]

DJ Terry: Ladies and gentlemen — Dina D’Angelo is “Livin’ Single”!!

[ Dina D’Angelo dances her way out onstage, joining DJ and the largely female audience in the festivities ]

Dina D’Angelo: Welcome to “Livin’ Single”!! If you’re single and loving it, say “HEYYYY!!”

Audience: “HEYYYYYY!!!!”

Dina D’Angelo: Guys! Whether you’re a widow, a divorcee, or a solo girl who just don’t give a ZANG — this show is for YOU! Right, guys! [ the audience cheers, as she dances toward two women in the audience ] It’s for YOU! How are you two doing?

Woman #1: I’m single and loving it, thanks to you!

Woman #2: I left my husband, and now I’m single and stronger!

Dina D’Angelo: Are you SO happy!

Woman #2: Almost.

Dina D’Angelo: DJ Terry — I see you!

DJ Terry: You’re changing lives, Dina!

Dina D’Angelo: Oh, you’re SUCH a good friend! [ to the audience ] You know — DJ Terry has asked me out ELEVEN times! And each time I’ve said “No.” Not because I don’t think he’s a super cool dude, but because I know that he and I are BETTER OFF… SINGLE!!!

DJ Terry: It really IS better! [ he lowers his pitch and frowns ] You’re amazing.

Dina D’Angelo: Okay! So who hates Valentine’s Day? BOOOOOO!!! Right? Well, you don’t have to hate it… any MO’! Just do what I do ladies: Get yo’ white wine, draw yo’ bubble bath, and spoil… yo’self!

DJ Terry: Or… you could go on a date with your DJ!

Dina D’Angelo: [ laughing ] Very funny, dude!

DJ Terry: [ chuckling with embarrassment ] Right?

Dina D’Angelo: Now — even if your single, Valentine’s Day is ALL about the sweets! So we have a renowned pastry chef here today. This guy is COOL, you guys! Please welcome… Damian Cryer!!

[ Damian Cryer appears onstage and begind to gyrate with Dina ]

Dina D’Angelo: Thank you for coming, Damien!!

Damian Cryer: It’s an absolute eternal pleg!

Dina D’Angelo: [ swooning ] Oh! You’re British — and much taller than I expected.

Damian Cryer: And you’re American, and you’re much lovelier than I expected. Oh — there’s something here on your face. What is it? [ he rubs around her face ] Oh, it’s my hand!

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! Okay! Uh — that just happened! Damian — let’s talk VJ desserts for one.

Damian Cryer: Certainly. Dina — what is THE most decadent, luxurious, and arousing food?

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! I don’t know!

Damian Cryer: Well, it’s, uh — it’s chocolate. Isn’t it? Could you taste, please?

[ he places a chocolate in her mouth, then lets her suck his finger back and forth ]

Dina D’Angelo: Mmm! Oh!

Damian Cryer: Good girl.

Dina D’Angelo: You just do whatever you want, don’t you?

Damian Cryer: Or whomever I want!

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! You’re funny! Terry, are you loving this guy!

[ DJ Terry stares angrily ]

DJ Terry: He’s great.

Damian Cryer: Okay! Now we’re going to make a mini chocolate love cake that’s positively sinful. Do you like sinful things, Dina?

Dina D’Angelo: Ah! [ she giggles ]

Damian Cryer: Is is sinful if I put your hand on my pectoral? [ he places he hand under his shirt ]

Dina D’Angelo: Oh!

Damian Cryer: Hmm? Is that a sin?

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! We’re having a BLAST on “Livin’ Single”! Huh? Give us a BEAT, Terry!

DJ Terry: [ fuming ] NO! I don’t want to give him the beat!

Dina D’Angelo: Terry — it’s your job!

[ DJ Terry relunctantly pushes a button, as Dina and Damian gyrate to the beat ]

Dina D’Angelo: This is our best episode YET!

Damian Cryer: Okay. Now, Dina — cripes, that was good! Now, cooking is all about chemistry.

Dina D’Angelo: Okay.

[ they stir the pot together ]

Damian Cryer: Now stir the cocoa like a good girl.

Dina D’Angelo: Okay…

Damian Cryer: Don’t be scared.

[ Damian begins to lick behind her ear as she pants breathlessly ]

Dina D’Angelo: Okay… Why are my hands shaking?

Damian Cryer: Because we’re making something, aren’t we?

DJ Terry: JUST SHOW US THE CAKE!!!

Damian Cryer: Right! Well, uh — we skipped a few steps, but here’s what the finished product will look like.

[ Damian reaches down and lifts a plate with a chocolate cake heart on it ]

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! You’re amazing!

Damian Cryer: Terry! I want that CD — will you play that CD that I gave you?

DJ Terry: You’re not my boss!!

Dina D’Angelo: Okay. Terry? It’s your job.

[ DJ Terry relunctantly pushes a button, as sexy saxophone music plays and Dina and Damian drop to the floor with a stick of butter ]

Dina D’Angelo: Oh! See you next time on “Livin’ Single”! And, remember — Just because you’re flying solo doesn’t mean you can’t — [ Damian pulls her under ] Okay, bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 15

10o: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

The King’s Taster

King Reginald…..Russell Brand
Taster…..Taran Killam
Chef…..Bill Hader

[ open on scroll over painted castle backdrop ]

Announcer: “In medieval England, it was customary for kings to employ a royal taster. These brave souls would try all of the monarch’s food — to ensure it contained no poison. Our story takes palce in the court of King Reginald.”

[ dissolve to King Reginald’s dining table, as his new taster sits ]

Royal Taster: King Reginald — thank you so much for choosing ME to be your royal taster!

King Reginald: What can I say — I am a man of gr-r-r-r-reat taste!

[ King Reginald laughs heartily ]

Royal Taster: Very funny!

King Reginald: Thank you! It’s nice to hear a kind word after a day of receiving death threats.

Royal Taster: Death threats?

King Reginald: Yes! I’m a very unpopular king! But — fear not! We’re quite safe here.

Royal Taster: Oh. That’s good.

King Reginald: Yes! I have NO enemies within these walls! [ he glances offscreen and yells ] CHE-E-E-E-E-E-FFFFF!! GET YOUR FAT. ANGULAR ASS IN HERE!!!

[ the Chef dredges into the room with a harried look upon his face ]

Chef: What do you want NOW, you monster?!!

Royal Taster: Why is your chef so angry with you?

King Reginald: Oh — last night’s beef was a little tough, so I had his family killed! [ he laughs ]

[ the Chef develops a lasting scowl upon his face ]

Royal Taster: [ worried ] And this gentleman prepares all of your food?

King Reginald: Yes! The ones you’ll be tasting! [ to Chef ] CHEFFF!! PRETEND YOU HAVE A BRAIN, AND BRING ME SOME PEA SOUP!!! BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOOD FOR!!!

Chef: You’re driving me crazy! One day you’ll push me to the edge! Ooh, I’ll get you your pea soup!! It’s going to be a meal — TO DIE FOR!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

King Reginald: Ah! Sounds tasty!

Royal Taster: Uh, King? I think the chef means to poison you.

King Reginald: No, no, don’t worry about that, Taster — he’s all blaster! [ yelling toward the kitchen ] ISN’T THAT RIGHT, YOU ASS-MOUTHED CHEF?!!

[ the Chef tumbles out of the kitchen and stands menacingly over King Reginald ]

King Reginald: [ standing ] YOU DON’T HAVE THE STONES TO CHALLENGE ME!! Oh, sure — you may be my COUSIN, who’s next in line to be KING!! Meaning, if I die, YOU INSTANTLY BECOME KING!! But, rrrrright now, you’re NOTHING but a COWARDLY CHEF!!! [ he rubs food over the Chef’s face ] See how I HUMILIATE you, and MOCK you with the bread you baked!!!

Chef: OHHHHH!! I’M GOING TO POISON YOU!!! I’m going to put POISON in your food!! And you’re going to DIE!!!

[ the Chef retreats to the kitchen ]

Royal Taster: Wow! He — he just came out and SAID it!

King Reginald: What? Oh, come on! Blast! What’s the worst he could do?

Royal Taster: FEED US POISON!!

King Reginald: Ahhh! I think you’re being a bit paranoid!

[ the Chef returns with a bowl of soup ]

King Reginald: Oh, goodie! Soup! [ to his Taster ] Be a lamb and taste it, will you?

[ the Taster nervously raises the spoon to his mouth ]

King Reginald: WAIT!!! You can’t eat this.

Royal Taster: Oh. thank God!

King Reginald: No — it still needs salt. [ to the Chef ] SALT IT, YOU MORON!!!

[ the King and Chef exchange dirty looks, then the Chef pours from a chalise marked “POISON” ]

Royal Taster: That is — that’s very obviously POISON!!

King Reginald: Oh, calm down, will you, Taster? I think you’re being rather cynical!

Chef: [ he puts the bowl before King Reginald ] I hope you choke it down! Choke it down and EAT IT!! [ he moves the bowl to the Taster ] Oh, I’m sorry — you first.

[ the Taster weeps as he lifts the spoon to his mouth ]

Royal Taster: Hey, you know what? That’s actually very good! There’s a subtle hint of —

[ too late — the Taster falls dead to the floor ]

King Reginald: [ playfully ] Che-e-ef? Did you just try to poison me?

Chef: [ slyly ] I’ll never tell!

King Reginald: Go! You cheeky chef! You’re the BEST in the business! [ calling out ] Bring me another t-t-t-t-taster!

[ freeze-frame, with SCROLL ]

Announcer: “This has been “The King’s Speech”. Now you can say you saw it!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16


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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 5th, 2011

Miley Cyrus

The Strokes

None

None

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Duh! Winning! With Charlie SheenSummary: Charlie Sheen (Bill Hader) hosts a talk show that allows him to interview other delusional celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Charlie Sheen, Christian Aguilera, Muammer Kaddaffi, Lindsay Lohan.

Transcript

Montage

Miley Cyrus’s MonologueSummary: In the midst of low-key scandals, Miley Cyrus apologizes by singing “I’m Sorry But I’m Not Perfect”.

Transcript

Baby SpanxSummary: he slimming bodystocking that lets fat babies be the envy of their parents’ friends.

Note: Repeat from: 10d

Our Time! With taboo and apl.de.ap!Summary: Black Eyed Peas also-rans taboo (Andy Samberg) and apl.de.ap (Kenan Thompson) try to gain recognition by hosting their own music talk show.

Recurring Characters: Black Eyed Peas, Khloe Kardashian.

Transcript

The Essentials with Robert OsborneSummary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Sound of Music” featuring the routines of Hispanic comedian Richie Inez Jr. (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.

Transcript

The Disney Channel Acting SchoolSummary: Miley Cyrus and Raven-Symone (Kenan Thompson) demonstrate the poor techniques used for acting in Disney teen comedy sitcoms.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time doing a Charlie Sheen impression and interviewing Justin Bieber (Miley Cyrus).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Transcript

The Strokes performs “Under Cover of Darkness”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Winners/Losers. The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) comments that he doesn’t support the Westborough Baptist Church’s protest of gay military funerals. Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) bungles more news stories.

Recurring Characters: The Devil, Anthony Crispino.

Transcript

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: Francois (Taran Killam) endures dance-off and drinks tossed in his face when his girlfriend (Miley Cyrus) catches him dancing at the cafe with another girl (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Francois, Marius.

Transcript

BeastlySummary: In a new movie trailer, (Andy Samberg) turns beastly and is tasked with finding a woman who will love him for who he is on the inside.

Transcript

Rock-A-Billy Lady Party Moisturizing Facial CreamSummary: Lynn Doot (Kristen Wiig) and Jamilla Rose la Perkins (Miley Cyrus) offer a free Moisturizing Facial Cream CD with the purchase of their facial cream.

Transcript

The Strokes perform “Life Is Simple In The Moonlight”

Cruise ShipSummary: Cruise ship performer Ginger Rangers (Miley Cyrus) sings about how gross she finds her patrons.

Transcript

CBS Gurney PromosSummary: March is Gurney Month on CBS, which features lots and lots of dead bodies!

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Gadaffi InterviewSummary: During an interview, Muammer Gadaffi (Fred Armisen) behaves in an incoherent Charlie Sheen manner.

Recurring Characters: Muammer Gadaffi.

Pep RallySummary: Principal Frye (Jay Pharoah) gets overemotional about a pair of enthusiastic cheerleaders (Nasim Pedrad, Miley Cyrus).

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye.

Emo PalsSummary: Emo pals (Paul Brittain, Miley Cyrus) are down about everybody and everything.

Hahhan MontanaSummary: Miley Cyrus is creeped out by an elderly lady’s (Kristen Wiig) Hannah Montana obsession.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Beastly

Declan/Good Looking Guy…..Andy Samberg
Friend…..Paul Brittain
Witch…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Miley Cyrus

Good Looking Guy: Should you vote for me just because I because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy? Hell yeah! In this school looks are everything! What’s the deal with the witch?

Friend: Stay clear, man. She’s into some dark stuff.

Good Looking Guy: I love my good looks!

Witch: Well, I curse you to a life without them! You have one year to find someone to love you. Or stay like this forever!

Declan: Oh no! I’m beastly! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Miley Cyrus: Let me see your face.

Declan: Pretty gruesome, huh?

Miley Cyrus: I’ve seen worse.

Declan: Really?!

Miley Cyrus: No dude you look like ****. I misjudged you, Declan. It’s whats on the inside that counts- Ughh dude!

Declan: (naked, eating fried chicken from a bucket) What? What’s up?

Miley Cyrus: Are you serious?!

Declan: I think I sat on some mashed potatoes!

(image of Miley Cyrus, with cast credit: “Miley Cyrus”)

(image of Declan, with cast credit: “Gene Hackman”)

Announcer: Beastly.

Declan: (holding up pregnancy stick) I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

Miley Cyrus: You’re a man and we haven’t slept together.

Declan: Burn! Rango!

Miley Cyrus: Beastly!

Declan: Beastly!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

CBS Gurney Month

Announcer: TV’s top shows are on CBS! We’re on a roll — rolling away dead bodies, that is! Right, now, we’ve got MORE programs that begin with a body bag than ANY other network!

Shows like: “Criminal Minds” —

“The Medium” —

“The Mentalist”

“Flashpoint” —

“Hawaii Five-O” —

TWO “NCIS” —

and THREE “CSI”s!

And we’re about to take it up a notch! All of March is Gurney Month on CBS! We’ve got gurneys 24/7!

We’ve got one show that WASN’T about gurneys. That’s gone! “Two and a Half Men”? More like “Two and a Half Dead Bodies”!

And we keep finding WEIRDER way to kill people! Self-asphyxiation! Rooftop impaling! That dude’s in a toilet!

[ show clip of Catherine Willows on “CSI: CRime Scene Investigation” ]

Catherine Willows: You take a car traveling highway speed and hit someone just right… she could fly the length of a football field.

[ show computer graphic ]

Announcer: TOUCHDOWN!!

This month, there’s a party in the morgue! [ during an autopsy, matter is pulled from a woman’s brain ] Yikes! What’s that?! Ever have SO much fun, you feel SICK?

[ show clip of Lt. Horatio Caine on “CSI: Miami” ]

Lt. Horatio Caine: A dead body… can have that effect on you.

Announcer: We’ve got corpses! We’ve got bodies! We’ve got Meredith Baxter-Birney. Where? On a gurney!

So tag it, bag it, put it on wheels! March is Gurney Month on CBS!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts