Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Don’t Forget the Lyrics

Mark McGrath…..Jason Sudeikis
Kenny Lushing…..Jesse Eisenberg

[ open on show title, as Mark McGrath runs on stage]

Mark McGrath: Okay! Okay! Alright, guys, welcome to “Don’t Forget the Lyrics”! I’m your host, Mark McGrath, and yeah — I do THIS now! [ the audience screams ] I don’t know why! Okay, as always, our audience has been force-fed Mountain Dew and diet pills since FIVE this morning, and they’re ready to rock-and-roll! [ the audience screams ] Alright, let’s bring on today’s contestant! Everyone, please give a warm welcome to Kenny Lushing from Providence, Rhode Island!

[ Kenny rushes out ]

Kenny Lushing: Whoo! YES! I have SEEN this show!

Mark McGrath: Alright! So tell us a little about yourself, Kenny!

Kenny Lushing: Well, Mark, I am 22 years old, I’m a part-time student, and I was JUST fired from Domino’s for reasons of hygeine! WHOO!!

Mark McGrath: Alright! That’s great! That’s great. Well, you know the rules, man: We supply the music, you supply the words. Alright? But when the music cuts out, make sure you DON’T forget the lyrics!

Kenny Lushing: Ooh, that is the PURPOSE of this show! YEAH! I am feeling the WRATH of MCGRATH!!

Mark McGrath: [ stunned by Kenny’s enthusiasm ] Okay. Alright. Our first category is ROCK! And your song choices are: [ as board appears ] “Love in an Elevator” by Aerosmith, and “I Love Rock ‘N Roll” by Joan Jett.

Kenny Lushing: Mark, I’m gonna go with “I Love Rock ‘N Roll”, ’cause I love rocks… and I love rolls!” [ he high-fives audience members ] She knows! She knows over there!

Mark McGrath: Alright, Kenny — “I Love Rock ‘N Roll”, by Joan Jett. And we are looking for ten missing lyrics. Alright, HIT IT!

[ the music begins to play ]

Mark McGrath: Alright! Crank her up!

[ Mark steps aside and begins to dance in the background ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“I love rock ‘n roll
So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby!
I love rock ‘n roll –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“So come and kiss a lime you dance machine!”

Whoo!

[ the music stops ]

Mark McGrath: [ stunned ] Wow. Wow, okay. “Come and kiss a lime you dance machine”? Oh. You wanna lock those lyrics in?

Kenny Lushing: Yeah! Let’s lock ’em in!

[ buzz ]

Kenny Lushing: Oh.

Mark McGrath: Yeah. I’m sorry. No, Kenny, the, uh, correct lyrics were: “So come and take the time and dance with me.”

Kenny Lushing: Yeah, yeah… sorry, right. Yeah. You know, I guess I’m just a little nervous!

Mark McGrath: Yeah, it’s understandable, man! This is VH-1, it’s two in the afternoon — it’s all happening!! Hey, but don’t worry because we’re moving onto the next song. You ready, Kenny?

Kenny Lushing: Uh — yeah! Are you ready, Mr. Mark!

Mark McGrath: Hey! I’m under contract! Gotta be ready. Alright, so let’s rock. Our next category is POP. [ reveal board ] Alright, your choices are: “Doctor Doctor” by Robert Palmer, or “Fly” by MY old group Sugar Ray.

Kenny Lushing: Huh. I — I really don’t remember the song “Fly” by Sugar Ray —

Mark McGrath: [ irked ] Oh, really?

Kenny Lushing: Yeah.

Mark McGrath: Oh, THAT’S funny! Yeah, because you know who did remember the song? Uh, the marketing team for Cajun Pringles in 1997. Yeah, they seemed to think it represented the generation, so…

Kenny Lushing: [ he shrugs ] Uhhh — okay! I’m just gonna go with “Doctor Doctor”!

Mark McGrath: The doctor is in — HIT IT!

[ the music begins to play ]

Kenny Lushing: This one’s for all the doctors — male and female!

[ Mark steps aside and begins to dance in the background ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“I need you
To soothe my head
And turn my blue
heart to red.
Doctor, doctor give me the news
I got –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“One extra testicle!”

Mark McGrath: I’m sorry! Oh, my God, I’m sorry!

[ buzz ]

Kenny Lushing: Oh, no!

Mark McGrath: Yeah… yeah, no, I’m sorry, Kenny. The lyrics were, uh, “Bad case of loving you.”

Kenny Lushing: I’m sorry!

Mark McGrath: Not, uh — “One extra testicle.” Hey, where did that come from?

Kenny Lushing: I don’t know — from birth.

Mark McGrath: Oh! Oh, sorry.

Kenny Lushing: Yeah. Sorry, um — I think when I get nervous, I just kind of blurt out whatever’s on my mind! It probably happens, like, all the time — right, Bro Man? [ he taps Mark’s shoulder ]

Mark McGrath: No. No, not to me.

Kenny Lushing: Oh.

Mark McGrath: Okay, I’m just gonna go ahead and pick the next song for you. It’s an easy one. This is “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang! You pumped?!

Kenny Lushing: I think so! I think so! Guess I’m ready to celebrate! Yeah, these guys know —

[ Kenny makes to high-five the audience, but Mark stops him ]

Mark McGrath: No! Don’t make — don’t — no, no, no, no! Alright, here we go!

[ the music begins to play ]

[ Mark stands still ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“Celebrate –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“Saddam Hussein!”

No, I’m sorry! That’s not what I believe! I don’t believe that! Can I just please go home?!

Mark McGrath: No — if I can’t, you can’t. Judges?

[ buzz ]

Mark McGrath: Yeah. Big surprise.

Kenny Lushing: Actually, no — I was thinking of a different song!

Mark McGrath: Really? What song?

Kenny Lushing: N-no song, there’s no song —

Mark McGrath: Yeah, I didn’t think there is a song. Okay, we’re gonna move on to the final round. The song is “It’s Not Unusual”, by Tom Jones. Alright? You only need to give us THREE missing lyrics, and I’m gonna tell you right now: They are the TITLE of the song!

Kenny Lushing: Oh. Okay. Yeah, I know it! I think I can do this, Marky Mark!

Mark McGrath: Different guy.

Kenny Lushing: Coolio. Okay. Hey — also, I noticed you stopped dancing during my last song. Are you gonna dance, like, this time?

Mark McGrath: I doubt it, Kenny! No, I really do. [ touches his ear ] Wait, hold on. [ he listens carefully ] Oh. I’m not allowed to stop dancing? Okay. Wait, I’m what? What are you saying? Oh, replaceable. Okay! alright, you got it! Okay! [ to Kenny ] Sorry about that! HIT IT!

[ the music begins to play ]

Kenny Lushing: Okay.

[ Mark dances just a bit in the background ]

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“It’s not unusual –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“To get a boner at the movies.”

Mark McGrath: Okay — stop!

Kenny Lushing: [ singing with lyrics ]
“It’s not unusual –“

[ over blank lyrics ]

“If it was “Toy Story 3″.”

That’s not right, is it?

Mark McGrath: No. No, that’s wrong on a number of levels. But, hey — come back any time, Kenny!

Kenny Lushing: Okay…

Mark McGrath: Come back any time you want, okay? That’s the show! Another day done for Mark McGrath — I make notches in my wall like I’m in a prison! This is VH-1! Good afternoon!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Jesse Eisenberg’s Monologue

…..Jesse Eisenberg
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
…..Mark Zuckerberg
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jesse Eisenberg!

Jesse Eisenberg: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a really exciting year for me, I was in “The Social Network.” Thank you very much. And I’m also glad to be here tonight because, you know, in a few movies I’ve played guys who are kind of shy and unassuming and that’s just not me at all, you know, and as you’ll see tonight, I’m… well I’m really cocky, you know. In life, I just, you know I, I own it, you know. When I walk into a room, people are just like “Wow wow watch out, who is that freight train of confidence?”, or not, I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to pretend to be an expert on what other people are thinking, that’s presumptuous of me, sorry, um, anyway although actually one, one thing I am an expert in is women, you know, I, no I do, I know, I know a lot about the ladies, you know, like for example, like I know that every 28 days females will shed their uterine lining, that is, no it’s true, that’s true, so so you know that would be a thing like if I were, if I were out on a date, you know, with a lady, she wouldn’t have to explain that to me, you know, ‘cause I already know it, you know, ‘cause I’m so cocky! Yes, and I can’t wait for the Oscars, you know, I am, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, oh okay, thank you, yes, yes, none of us can wait, and when I get there, I’m going to take Jack Nicholson’s seat in the front row and when he comes over to me I’m just gonna say: “Sorry Jack, you know, here’s Jesse!” No I’m not, I’m not gonna say that, no no, even thinking of saying something like that is kind of, was actually kind of giving me a panic attack right now, you know what, I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah, well, misrepresenting people is something you have a lot of practice with.

Jesse Eisenberg: Wow, Mark… Mark Zuckerberg, hey, how are you?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, how am I? I’m bad, okay? You got nominated for an Academy Award for playing me, and what do I get, you know, what do I have to feel good about?

Jesse Eisenberg: Uh-ha, wasn’t Facebook just valued at like 50 billion dollars?

Mark Zuckerberg: Oh that’s right, yeah. Well, good luck at your dinky movie award thing. All hail the Zuck! Wooh hoo hoo!

[ cut to Lorne Michaels watching backstage with the real Mark Zuckerberg ]

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Why can’t I go in there? I’m the real Mark Zuckerberg! Lorne Michaels: Yeah, and I’m pretty sure at least one of those guys is the real Mark Zuckerberg.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No, I am! That guy is like my evil twin and that’s just Andy Samberg. Those guys are such nerds, come on, I invented poking.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, um… you’re better off backstage.

[ return to Home Base ]

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, we’re gonna let you in on the joke, this isn’t Mark Zuckerberg, this is Andy Samberg.

Andy Samberg: Yes, and there you’ve made… and may I say, Jesse, that I loved your Zuckerberg. How’d you do yours?

Jesse Eisenberg: Oh thank you, I just speak in short glib sentences and I keep, you know, my head very still like this, but I love yours actually, so wh-wha-what is your technique?

Andy Samberg: Oh, well, I wear this sweatshirt and I say “I’m Mark Zuckerberg!”

Jesse Eisenberg: Straightforward. And of course, you know, I wasn’t really doing Mark Zuckerberg, you know, I was, I was interpreting a fictional character in a movie script.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: You know Jessee, I don’t know if it came out very well.

Jesse Eisenberg: Hi, thank you for coming here.

Andy Samberg: Wait, have you two not met?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: No.

Jesse Eisenberg: No.

Andy Samberg: Awkberg… Well I’ll be going… Samberg out…

Jesse Eisenberg: Okay, uh, so…

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: So…

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, yeah, it’s good, I… really, really liked you on “60 Minutes.”

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Thanks man, thanks.

Jesse Eisenberg: Yeah, d’you ever end up seeing, seeing the film, “The Social Network?”

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah I did, yeah.

Jesse Eisenberg: Cool, thanks, and uh, and what did you think?

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: It was interesting.

Jesse Eisenberg: Interesting, I, you know, I’ll take it, thank you, great. Hey, you know, why don’t we do this together? You go first.

The Real Mark Zuckerberg: Alright, awesome, cool, we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Nicki Minaj is here.

Jesse Eisenberg: Right, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

El Shrinko

Arthur Perkins…..Andy Samberg
Girl #1…..Kristen Wiig
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Girl #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Randy…..Jesse Eisenberg
Derek…..Bill Hader

[ open on disclaimer ]

Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement.

[ dissolve to Arthur Perkins seated on couch ]

Arthur Perkins: Oh, hello! [ he stands ] I’m Arthur Perkins. Does this always happen to you?

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: [ reading cue card ] “We CAN’T have sex! It’s too BIG!”

Girl #2: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur, your panis is HUGE! I HATE that!”

Girl #3: [ reading cue card ] “Arthur Perkins… your penis is just too BIG!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: I used to deal with that ALL the time. Girls were constantly telling me it was TOO big!

Randy: [ jumping in ] Yeah! And I’m his friend, Randy, and I have the same problem, too, all the time.

Together: Our penises were TOO BIG!!

Randy: And that’s why we take…

Together: EL SHRINKO!!

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko is the first scientific pill that can shrink your weiner… because it’s TOO BIG!

Randy: It’s too big!

Arthur Perkins: If you saw our penises right now, you would think they were really small!

[ Randy scoffs ]

Arthur Perkins: Like, tiny! That’s because El Shrinko works FAST! —

Randy: But how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: Not yet!

Randy: Sorry.

Arthur Perkins: REALLY fast!

Randy: But — but how does it work?

Arthur Perkins: You just take the pill like we do, and you’ll go from TOO BIG… [ they measure out with their hands ] to JUST RIGHT! [ they bring their hands closer together ]

Randy: Yeah. Yeah, and that’s what girls prefer. So just ASK them!

[ cut to individual fake testimonials ]

Girl #1: “I heard Arthur’s penis used to be really big. But then I saw it, and it was really small. It must have shrunk, and I like that!”

Girl #2: [ squinting to read cue card ] “Arthur’s friend Randy shrunk his thingie –” [ laughing ] Wait, what is this for?!

Girl #3: [ eating potato chips ] What’s that? Say it now? [ reading cue card ] “El Shrinkoooo!”

[ return to Arthur ]

Arthur Perkins: Pretty convincing! Plus, it comes in a discreet bottle that says… [ he picks up large bottle ] El Shrinko! That way, if a girl’s over and accidentally sees the bottle on your coffee table, she’ll know that your weiner used to be WAY bigger — until you took El Shrinko!

Randy: Yeah! Big weiners are for the birds!

Derek: [ easing in ] Are you guys talking about El Shrinko?

Arthur Perkins: GET OUT OF HERE, DEREK!! GET OUT!!

[ they push Derek off camera ]

Arthur Perkins: El Shrinko!

Randy: El Shrinko!

[ cut to the girls, looking bored ]

Girls: El Shrinkooooo!

Girl #3: [ looking up from her potato chips ] El Shrinko.

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: El Shrinko. It’s why Arthur’s and Randy’s penises are so small.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Skins

MTV Guy…..Andy Samberg
Cassie…..Abby Elliott
Trent…..Jesse Eisenberg
Boy…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: You’re watching MTV. Shut up!

MTV Guy: What’s up, I’m the head of programming at MTV, impressed much? (chuckle) Well, you should be because I’m the genius behind the new sexy teen show, Skins. Now, some people are upset or whatever because we show like a bunch of fourth graders having sex or doing heroin or something. I don’t know I haven’t seen it because I’m bad at my job. Anyway, because of the (finger quotes) controversy and (finger quotes) child porn laws we broke, we lost a lot of sponsors. We lost Foot Locker. We lost Subway Sandwiches; so good. We lost Wrigley, like the field I guess. And we lost L’oreal… You know, French Oreos. Guess what though (he accidentally knocks down his MTV statue and tries not to laugh). So guess what though, we had to get some way worse sponsors (he knocks the statue down again, but this time on purpose.). They couldn’t afford commercials but what they could afford was some sweet product placement, so check it out on Skins.

[Intro to Skins]

Cassie: Cool party. Sexy.

Trent: Yeah. We should probably take our shirts off.

Cassie: Yeah, but first, let’s enjoy this Kennedy Fried Chicken. (she lifts a box of fried chicken).

Trent: Kennedy Fried Chicken? That looks sexy. What’s a bucket like 50 bucks?

Cassie: Try 9 bucks, and that includes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a steamy biscuit, and some slutty mashed potatoes.

Trent: Woah! All for 9 bucks. That leaves plenty of extra money to buy cocaine.

Cassie: Speaking of which, cool cocaine.

Trent: (he picks up a bag of a powdery substance). Oh, you mean this awesome stuff. This is Jenkins Stank Ass Foot Powder. Got stank ass feet? Reach for Stank Ass Foot Powder. So sexy!

[Another boy enters]

Boy: Hey Cassie! Hey Trent! Should we do a three-way?

Trent: Yeah, but first, where’d you get that cool new car we saw you pull up in?

Boy: Oh, you mean my 2003 Corolla? It’s not new, but it’s as good as new thanks to Waltzer Toyota. (a Waltzer Toyota picture shows up on the screen). Waltzer Toyota. Since 1991. Waltz in with a little money. Waltz out with a fabulous, gently used car.

Trent: Man! Just hearing about used cars makes me hella horny.

[another girl walks down the stairs and enters]

Girl: Hey you underaged hotties! Make that a four-way.

Trent: Woah! You’re hot!

Cassie: Yeah, where’d you get that hot sweater?

Girl: Where else? The Sweater Dump. Near Route 25. It’s where people go to dump their sweaters. So what are we drinking.

Trent: Only the best. Jose Cortez Scented Rubbing Alcohol. Look for the bottle with the cartoon duck on the front. It goes perfect with Clamoto brand clam juice and a lime from the new fruit section at C.P. WANG Bodega. Conveniently located under the on ramp to the Queens-borough Bridge. (a C.P. WANG picture shows up on the screen). C.P. WANG. We sell fruit now.

Cassie: Sexy! We should all have sex.

Girl: Do you have condoms?

Trent: Only the best! Squirrel Maggie’s Squirrel Skin Condoms. (he lifts a box of the condoms). It’s like having sex with a squirrel skin.

Cassie: That sounds great for young vaginas.

Boy: Speaking of young vaginas, have you heard all this stuff about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlisconi?

Cassie: Yeah! It sounds totally bogus.

Boy: It IS bogus, and you can find out the truth at www.berlusconiisinnocente.net.

Trent: Cool.

Girl: This is a cool party.

Cassie: Let’s take our clothes off.

Boy: I’m 12.

[Cut to head of programming at MTV]

MTV Guy: So there it is. Great branding through a transatlantic sewer pipe direct to your children. MTV: the “M” stands for Mehhhhhh!!!!!

[Cut the MTV Sign]

Submitted by: Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

Holiday BlockBusters at AllPoster!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

TCM: The Essentials

Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudekis
Doctor Blackenstein…..Jay Pharoah
Blackenstein’s Monster…..Kenan Thompson
Igor…..Jessie Eisenberg
The Bride…..Nicki Minaj
Mob Leader…..Bill Hader
Mob Leader’s Wife…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies.

[Title Card….. The Essentials with: Robert Osborne]

Robert Osborne: Welcome to The Essentials. I’m Robert Osborne. Tonight we take a journey through one of my favorite genres: the 1970’s Blaxsploitation horror films. There are so many classics from the era: “Blacula”, “The Black Creature from the Black Lagoon”, and of course “The Phantom of the Apollo”. But perhaps one of the most memorable was the 1972 classic “The Bride of Blackenstein”. Let’s take a look.

[Title Card….. Bride of Blackenstein]

Cut To: [An old castle laboratory, with Dr. Blackenstein and his monster]

Dr. Blackenstein: (laughs maniacally) Blackenstein, your my greatest creation! The coolest, baddest, blackest monster on the face of the Earth!

Blackenstein: (raises a fist) Aaaaaargh….

Dr. Blackenstein: And tonight, as I promised, I will give you a bride!

Blackenstein: (happily) Aaaaaaargh…..

Dr. Blackenstein: Igor!

Igor: (limps in) Yes master?

Dr. Blackenstein: It’s tiiiiime to pull the switch for the Bride of Blackenstein, baby!

(Igor flips the switch and Dr Blackenstein pulls off the blanket on the operating table to reveal the beautiful Bride of Blackenstein with the traditional white striped beehive hair. She awakens and gets off the table)

Dr. Blackenstein: It’s alive, it’s aliiive, it’s…. DAAAYUMMM!!!

(Camera zooms on her butt, which is large and shapely. She pops it to the side as thunder claps)

Igor: Ah yes, she is beautiful master. And I’m sure the swelling in her backside will go down soon.

Dr. Blackenstein: Oh-hoooo, it better not! That booty is a masterpiece of modern science!

Igor: So that’s why you had me fill those two basketballs with Jell-O?

Dr. Blackenstein: Double Dribble baby!

(Camera zooms to her butt again and she pops it)

Igor: Yes, so you think people will like that?

Dr. Blackenstein: Like it? They’ll love it. Look at Blackenstein.

Blackenstein: (ogles at the Bride’s rear) Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Man, this monster’s ’bout to get his groove on! (laughs)

The Bride: (full of sass and attitude) Oh no he iiiis not!

Igor: Oh! She-she speaks! She speaks!

Dr. Blackenstein: Uh-oh, that’s not good.

The Bride: You think you can just walk up on me and get some of this- I mean all of this?

Blackenstein: No no, I-I mean, uh- Aaaargh…..

The Bride: Aaaargh? Don’t you say “aaaargh” to me, I know you can talk! And the first words out you mouth better be “I’m getting a job.”

Dr. Blackenstein: Igor man! Where’d you get that brain?

Igor: From a woman who had just died.

Dr. Blackenstein: What kind of woman?

Igor: She worked at the DMV.

Dr. Blackenstein: (Sighs in exasperation and rolls his eyes) And what about the fingernails?

Igor: From a cashier at Walgreens.

Dr. Blackenstein: And where did you get the mouth?

Igor: From a ho who didn’t know her place.

Dr. Blackenstein: (offended) Igor!

Igor: Well that’s how she described herself, master!

Dr. Blackenstein: And where did you get the hair?

The Bride: Excuu-uuuse me? This hair is real!

(The three man back away with their hands up in a placating manner)

Dr. Blackenstein: Okay alright!

Igor: It looks very nice

Blackenstein: Come on, baby. I just need some lovin’ from my bride. (laughs)

The Bride: Bride? Bride? Did you get me an invisible ring? ‘Cuz I don’t see nothin’ on my finger. You don’t know me! I ain’t ever met you! You takin’ me to dinner first or somethin’! Come on now!

Blackenstein: But I had plaaans tonight! I’m goin’ out with Wolfman and the Mummy.

The Bride: That- whoa-that smelly-ass dog person? And old Mr. Bandage. Uh-uh, no way. No way!

Blackenstein: But they my friends, baby!

The Bride: Not no mo’. From now on I’m your friends, and I barely even like you!

Igor: Oh master, I don’t understand! Why doesn’t he just tell her that he is the man and that she should do as he says?

Dr. Blackenstein: You ever been with a sista?

Igor: No.

Dr. Blackenstein: Then you wouldn’t understand.

Igor: I’ve just been with Jewish girls.

Dr. Blackenstein: (amused) Oh, then you kinda understand!

Igor: Yes. (angry sounds come from outside) Oh, master look! Look, there’s an angry mob!

Dr. Blackenstein: Uh-oh!

Cut To: ( stock footage of a mob entering the castle, then back to the lab)

Igor: We need to hide! Yes, we need to hide the Bride!

The Bride: I’m not hidin’! I’m goin’ out! It’s check day, I got an outfit on, I’m wanna dance baby! Let’s get it!

(the mob enters the lab)

Mob Leader: We know what you’ve been doing in this castle, Blackenstein! And it ends….. DAAAYUMMM!!!

(Camera zooms on her butt again)

Mob Leader: (now speaking in a pimp voice) I think we gonna see some werewolves tonight, cuz that’s a full moon. (laughs lustfully)

Mob Leader’s Wife: What?! What are you looking at?

Mob Leader: Aw, nothin’ baby! (laughs again)

Mob Leader’s Wife: Are you checking out the Bride of Blackenstein’s rear end?!

Mob Leader: Aw, no way baby. You know I like my booty like yours: Flat and shapeless. (laughs)

Mob Leader’s Wife: (happily) Good!

(Camera zooms to the wife’s flat butt, while a sad *Whaaa whaaaaaaa* plays)

The Bride: Excuse, are ya’ll the police, cuz if ya’ll ain’t got a warrant, I need you to get up out of my castle baby, now! Let’s go!

Igor: Her castle?!

Dr. Blackenstein: See what I mean?

(the mob leaves)

The Bride: That’s right. It’s my castle now. And next week, my auntie comin’ to stay with us, and she has a bad foot so she’s gonna need a room by the toilet, okay?

Igor: Master, is an ass like that really worth all this trouble?

Dr. Blackenstein: Oh, it’s worth it. Just look at it!

(Camera zooms on her butt again)

(Funky music starts playing. Dr Blackenstein, The Bride, and Blackenstein get together and sing while Igor claps along to the beat)

Three:
“Bride of Blackenstein
You know that baby got back-enstein
Fall in love with The Briiiide… of Blackenstein!”

Cut To: (The Essentials, Robert Osborne looking thoroughly amused by what he just saw)

Robert Osborne: Yeah…. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the whole movie! Tune in next week for the 1964 Blaxploitation anti-war satire “Dr. Strangefunk or: How I Learned To Stop Being a Jive-Ass Turkey And Love That Juicy Booty”. For The Essentials, I’m Robert Osborne, ya dig?

The End

Submitted by: Jenna Smith

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 13

10m: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

Mr. Wizard’s World

Mr. Wizard…..Bill Hader
Chris…..Jesse Esienberg
Claudette…..Nasim Pedrad
Lauren…..Abby Elliott
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Nickelodeon logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon After Dark! Coming up: A classic episode of “Mr. Wizard”!

[ dissolve to “Mr. Wizard’s World” opening montage ]

[ dissolve to Mr. Wizard’s science lab set ]

Mr. Wizard: Hey, kids!

Kids: Hey, Mr. Wizard!!

Mr. Wizard: Today, we’re gonna learn about something called “static electricity” — and you’re the conductor! Now, everything is made up of atoms, but what floats around those atoms? Does anyone know? Chris?

Chris: [ shyly ] I don’t know…

Mr. Wizard: Claudette?

Claudette: Um… I don’t really know.

Mr. Wizard: Lauren?

Lauren: Electrons!

Mr. Wizard: Good! And when we rub up agaisnt something, sometimes those tiny electrons move. Now, everyone, take a balloon. Take a balloon! [ everyone grabs a balloon ] Now, what I want you to do is rub that balloon on yourself. [ they each rub the balloon across their arms ] There you go! You can rub your sweater, your arm — you can even rub your partner! There you go! Very good! Go ahead! Good. Very good. Get worked up in science!

[ Claudette and Chris begin to rub their balloons over her breasts and his genitals ]

Mr. Wizard: Okay, Chris? Chris? Claudette? Guys? Guys, that’s fine! Enough with the balloons, okay? Enough!

[ Claudette and Chris stop rubbing their balloons ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, what do we experience with the balloons? Chris?

Chris: Something… new?

Mr. Wizard: Yes. Yes, but what?

Chris: I don’t know…

Claudette: It — it felt like a good headache!

Mr. Wizard: Well, actually — we created an electronic field. And if you get a strong enough field, your balloons can stick to anything — even a wall! Let’s go ahead and rub our balloons again, but this time just on the sleeve. Just on the sleeve, everyone.

[ Claudette and Chris begin rubbing their balloons on her breasts and his genitals again ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, in order for this to stick, you really need to rub a lot. The more you rub, the more those electrons will transfer over, giving you a really powerful static charge. Alright, you guys feeling that charge?

Chris: YES!!

Claudette: Yeah, I feel it!!

Mr. Wizard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, that’s enough! That’s enough, you guys! That’s enough, please!

[ Claudette turns around so Chris can rub the balloon on her butt ]

Mr. Wizard: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! That’s enough!! Enough with the balloons! Enough with the balloons! DRop ’em, drop ’em — we’re all done! [ he grabs the balloons from them ]

Chris: Science is fun!

Mr. Wizard: Not — not that fun! Now, uh — let’s put our balloons on the board, shall we? Let’s see what happens. [ Mr. Wizard, Lauren and Kenan stick their balloons onto the wall board ] See how it sticks? How about that, huh? Now, what have we learned from the experiment?

Claudette: Um — I like rubbing?

Mr. Wizard: Not really — no, no, no, no, no! Now, think about the experiment — did you learn anything?

Chris: Balloond make things grow!

Mr. Wizard: No. No, no, no, no! Uh — let’s move on. Now, people aren’t the only conductors. Have you ever heard of a Van De Graaff Generator?

[ he reaches for the machine at the far side of the lab ]

Kenan: Oh, wow — that’s BIG!!

Mr. Wizard: Yeah, yeah! It sure is! [ he and Kenan move it forward ] Now, an electrostatic generator can reach up to 5 megabolts just from all the vibrating. Want to see what it can do to you?

Claudette: Yeah! Hurry up!

Mr. Wizard: Okay! Here we go!

[ Mr. Wizard flips the switch as the machine hums ]

Mr. Wizard: Now, go ahead and touch it and see what happens.

[ the kids touch the tip, as music begins to play ]

Mr. Wizard: Good, good. Now, what’s happening here is we’re accelerating electrons to create an electromagnetic field. If you stay in the field long enough, you’ll be fully charged with negative electrons. Now, are you fully charged yet?

[ reveal Claudette and Chris humped over the machine with their hair standing on end ]

Claudette: Yeah!

Chris: Getting there!

Claudette: I’m feeling it!

Mr. Wizard: Oh, sweet Maria… Get off! Get off of there, guys!

Claudette: No, b-but it’s good for me!

Chris: Yes, I want to do science in the shower!

Mr. Wizard: No, you don’t! No, you don’t! Uh — uhhh — when we come back, you’ll learn another great conductor — body heat! Oh, boy… uh…

[ Mr. Wizard pulls out a fire extinguisher and blasts Claudette and Chris with it ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 5th, 2011

Dana Carvey

Linkin Park

None

Mike Myers

Jon Lovitz

Justin Bieber

Jesse Eisenberg

None

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) make their Oscar picks and laugh about “The Winter’s Bone”.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Transcript

Montage

Dana Carvey’s MonologueSummary: Dana Carvey sings about how the 1986-93 cast he was a part of was the best cast in SNL’s history.

Transcript

I-Sleep ProSummary: Business traveler (Kenan Thompson) is unable to fall asleep unless he can drift off to the sounds of familiar “black noise”.

Note: Repeat from 10b.

Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) mocks the Kardashian sisters (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott), arranges an ill-fated exorcism upon Snooki (Bobby Moynihan), and fawns over Justin Bieber.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Kim Kardashian, Snooki.

Celebrity Teen Crisis CenterSummary: Oblivious celebrities man the phones at a teen crisis center.

Recurring Characters: Alan Alda, Mickey Rooney, Anna Faris, Eddie Murphy.

Transcript

The RoommateSummary: In a theatrical film trailer, Justin Bieber discovers his news college roommate (Andy Samberg) harbors an insane obsession for him.

Linkin Park performs “Waiting for the End”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers outlines the “Winners/Losers” in Egypt this week. James Franco (Paul Brittain) has many jobs. Meteorologist/former disco queen Angela Dixon (Kristen Wiig) attempts to deliver a winter weather update.

Live with Regis and KellySummary: The announcement of Regis Philbin’s (Dana Carvey) retirement causes Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) to upstage his final moments with a song.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Transcript

Little Miss Little Girl PageantSummary: Foppish co-hosts (Kenan Thompson, Dana Carvey) preside over a pageant for preschool-aged little girls.

Deidra Wurtz: Downsizing ExpertSummary: Downsizing expert Deidra Wurtz (Abby Elliott) will deliver bad news with ease and Valley girl vernacular.

Linkin Park performs “When They Come For Me”

FingerlingsSummary: Bar owner (Taran Killam) pulls no stops for the ultimate Super Bowl party, including performances by his wife’s brother’s band (Dana Carvey, Fred Armisen).

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Al Jazeera on EgyptSummary: As his interpretor (Nasim Pedrad) translates, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak (Fred Armisen) discusses the growing calamanities in his country.

Recurring Characters: Hosni Mubarak.

The VisitorSummary: President Obama and Joe Biden try to steal guns from a couple (Dana Carvey, Vanessa Bayer).

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

The KasemsSummary: Casey Kasem (Dana Carvey) discusses the pop charts with his former druggie brother Jasey.

Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Goodnights

…..Dana Carvey

Dana Carvey: Alright! These are my two boys — Tom and Dex! Thanks to Linkin Park, Justin Bieber, Jon Lovitz, MIKE MYERS! The BEST! CAST! EVER!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

…..Dana Carvey
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Bill Hader
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Dana Carvey!

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Thank you! Of all the live comedy shows going on in New York right now, THIS is the best freakin’ audience right now! [ the audience cheers wildly ] It’s great to be “home” at “Saturday Night Live”. It’s kind of emotional, I’ve got my two teenaged sons here tonight in the audience, and, uh — [ the audience applauds ] I know where they are, because it’s the first time they’ve seen me on “Saturday Night Live”, and I’m sure, after the show, I’m gonna be a normal comedian and all needy, like, “Hey! What did you guys think?” And my son will be all, like, [ angsty teen voice ] “Uhhh — it was fine, Dad. Okay? Just fine. Can we go now?” And I’ll be, like, “Thank you!”

My first episode of this show was October 11th, 1986, with host Sigourney Weaver. I think we have a photo?

[ promotional photo of Sigourney Weaver a gorilla from “Gorillas in the Mist” appears ]

Yeah, look at that! There’s me with Sigourney! I know, I’ve changed. But, man, I looked young, didn’t I? Wow!

You know, uh — after I left “SNL” in 1993, people would come up to me and say, “Dana, the show’s not as good without you!” Or, “Dana, I liked it better when you were there!” You know? And, honestly, people always pick one cast in “SNL” history, and then they’ll say THAT was the best cast. But that’s just not true. The show has always had great people, and no cast is better than any other cast — except for MY cast. Um — It’s just undeniable! ’86 to ’93 was the best! I mean, let me put it to you this way:

[ singing ]
“I have often stood
on this stage before.
But the air is not
as joyful as before.
It’s no won-der I sim-ply can’t de-ny!
’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-est!”

[ Kristen Wiig enters ]

Kristen Wiig: Hi, Dana!

Dana Carvey: Heeeeyyyy!! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Karen Wong, everybody! Terrific! Hi, Karen.

Kristen Wiig: [ miffed ] Hi. You know, Dana, you’re so right — your cast was awesome.

Dana Carvey: Well… I didn’t say “awesome”. I just said “BEST EVER!” I mean, we had Phil Hartman, we had Mike Myers, Jan Hooks — it was incredible, you gotta admit!

[ singing ] “I mean, ’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-est!”

[ Bill Hader enters ]

Bill Hader: Hey, Dana! Hey, Karen.

[ the audience cheers ]

Dana Carvey: Oh, hey! Hey!

Bill Hader: You’re right — that group was an AMAZING emsemble!

Dana Carvey: Oh, thank you, Rainn Wilson! And, if I may be so bold, out of that cast I was probably the best cast member. [ he snickers ] Maybe I shouldn’t say it.

Kristen Wiig: Wow, okay… So that means you’re the best person to ever be on the show?

Dana Carvey: [ thinking ] Does it? I-I don’t know. I’ve never been good at Math!

[ Bill and Kristen exit ]

Dana Carvey: [ singing ]
“I did Ross Perot!
(“Can I finish one time?! Can I finish one time?!”)
I chopped brocco-locco-liiii!
I did Ching Change
but that’s racist now.
Prob-ab-lyyyyy!
I did Garth and Hans
It was a renaissance
’86 to ’93… was the be-e-e-e-e-est!”

You know how many times I said “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night”? No exaggeration — 700,000 times! We didn’t even have “Applause” lights back then — we had “Calm Down!” lights. And they flashed throughout the show, because we were going crazy, you know what I mean?

[ Andy Samberg enters ]

Andy Samberg: Wait a second, Dana! [ the audience cheers ] Hey, how do we know you’re telling the truth about your cast being the BEST ever? Maybe you’re just making it up!

[ Jon Lovitz saunters in ]

Jon Lovitz: Step aside, dear boy!

[ Andy runs off stage, as the audience goes nuts ]

[ Lovitz enjoys his recognitions, as Carvey playfully wraps his arms around him and fondles his man-breasts ]

Dana Carvey: I know! I didn’t know why I just did that, but anyway! [ in Regis Philbin voice ] We’re outta CONTROL!! Jon Lovitz! From Los Angeles, California! What are YOU doing here!

Jon Lovitz: I won’t sit back idly and watch our cast be SLANDERED by that RUFFIAN! We were the greatest players to ever grace this stage! You know why?

Dana Carvey: Why?

Jon Lovitz: [ he raises his arm triumphantly ] ACTING!! Thank you!

Dana Carvey: Thank you!

Jon Lovitz: And now, Dana, let us sing our praises!

Dana Carvey: Yes, dear Jon, yes!

Jon Lovitz: [ snapping his fingers ] 1… SING!

Together: [ singing ]
“We watched them all
try to prove us wrong.
Every sketch is great
plus it would take too looooong!
Take our word for it
that every mo-ment hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt!”

[ Carvey blows a raspberry ]

“’86 to ’93… wa-a-a-a-a-sss… the… be-e-e-e-e-e-est!!”

Jon Lovitz: Thank you!

Dana Carvey: Thank you! Now that I think about it… I may have had one or two things that didn’t play.

Jon Lovitz: [ he scoffs ] Speak for yourself, my little pixie! [ he mimes smoking ] Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!

Dana Carvey: Wow! That could be a new catchphrase!

Jon Lovitz: Yes!

Dana Carvey: We’ve got a great show! Linkin Park is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Lovitz holds up rabbit ears behind Carvey’s head ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 14

10n: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

Live with Regis and Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Dana Carvey
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Gelman…..Taran Killam
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Kristen Wiig

[ opening montage ]

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis and Kelly!” Please welcome your hosts — Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ dissolve to set as Regis and Kelly step forward ]

Regis Philbin: Hi, everybody! How are you? It’s February 4th, welcome to the show. How are you doing?

Kelly Ripa: Are you excited for the Super Bowl?

Regis Philbin: Oh, I — [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! We’re all very excited. I’m excited for the game! But who is this halftime band? You know, the Black Eyed Peas? That’s not entertainment, that’s a SIDE DISH!!

Kelly Ripa: Reese, I’m gonna miss you when you leave.

Regis Philbin: I’m not gone yet, Pipa, I got a newsflash for ya’, okay?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I know. But have you been reading the newspapers? Everyone is wondering who’s gonna replace you!

Regis Philbin: I know, I know… And it’s not just ME leaving, Pipa. Understand? Our producer, Gelman, is over there and he’s retiring!

Gelman: I’m not leaving, Regis.

Regis Philbin: Yes, you ARE!! Wherever I go, YOU go — so I can keep you within SWATTING distance!

Gelman: [ whining ] I like it here!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, you don’t have a choice. You know, the pharaohs used to be buried with their SLAVES! You understand?

Gelman: [ miffed ] I’m not your slave, Regis.

Regis Philbin: That’s what they ALL say!!

Kelly Ripa: Well — I thought it would be fun to go through some of the people they’re talking about to fill your shoes.

Regis Philbin: Okay, here we go…

Kelly Ripa: One of the names being kicked around is… [ holds up photo ] Anderson Cooper!

Regis Philbin: Anderson Cooper? Didn’t he just get socked in the kisser by some crazy Egyptian? He’s not TOUGH enough! Forget it! Get that picture out of my sight!

Kelly Ripa: If he can handle Egypt, Reege, he can handle this show!

Regis Philbin: Those Egyptians have nothing on the women who wait outside the studio — at least the Egyptians want DEMOCRACY!! These women want to get in my TROUSERS!! I’m telling you, it’s crazy!

Kelly Ripa: Next up: Some people are saying Howie Mandel might be a good co-host!

Regis Philbin: Good luck with that — he’s a SEAL with a SOUL PATCH! Look at that! That’s not gonna work at 9 a.m. And the GERM thing! The man doesn’t SHAKE HANDS!! What’s he gonna do when he meets Carol Channing? Give her a FIST BUMP?! It’s not gonna work, I’ll tell you that…

Kelly Ripa: Well, you know, maybe it’s about chemistry, Reege. HEY! [ she holds up photo ] Maybe my hubbie Mark will do it!

Regis Philbin: Mark Consuelo? Mark Consuelo, are you serious? If he takes this job, you know what I’m gonna get him as a welcome gift? DIVORCE papers! Because you two are not gonna last a WEEK! I love you, Pipa, but the only reason I don’t wring your neck is because, we part ways, the show is OVER!!

Kelly Ripa: Stop it, Reege! You know, I don’t think you want to retire!

Regis Philbin: Of course I want to retire! I’ve got big plans! Once I leave this show, it’s gonna be HUGE! I’m starting my own network — OPRAH style!

Kelly Ripa: Oh yeah, what are you gonna call it?

Regis Philbin: What am I — she says what am I gonna call it? You hear that, Gelman? What am I gonna call it? I’m calling it REGIS! This channel’s gonna have everything! TD Bank commercials, Joey Bishop reruns, and a reality show called “So You Think You Can Shout!!” It’s gonna be TERRIFIC!!

[ Kathie Lee Gifford quietly appears in the background and begins to swivel her hips unnoticed by Regis and Kelly ]

Kelly Ripa: Regis, I want you to know I am going to treasure… every day I have left with you — [ she turns around ] Oh, no. Kathie Lee is here.

[ Kathie Lee steps around with her microphone ]

Regis Philbin: What? Kathie Lee, what are you DOING here?!

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh, Regis… When I heard today was your last show, I had to come on and say Goodbye.

Kelly Ripa: Today is NOT his last show!

Regis Philbin: It’s not my last show…

Kathie Lee Gifford: What is that? Is that a bird chirping? Chirp, chirp. chirp. chirp! [ she laughs, then sings: ] “Someone call a hunter and shoot that irritating bird!”

Regis Philbin: No. What are you doing?

Kathie Lee Gifford: You know, I’m going to sing to you, Regis.

Regis Philbin: You’re gonna sing?

Kathie Lee Gifford: I’m just going to wet my pipes.

Regis Philbin: Kathie, we’re trying to do the show…

Kathie Lee Gifford: I know.

Regis Philbin: Good.

[ Kathie Lee sips from a show mug, then frowns ]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Eww! Gelman, what IS that?!

Regis Philbin: Water.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh. Then, what’s the point of mugs? [ she unscrews her microphone and pours spirits out as she sings: ] “Char-don-nayyyyyy! White wine in the morning time!” [ she drinks ]

Regis Philbin: She’s out of control — just REALLY out of control!

Kathie Lee Gifford: There! There! Maestro!

Regis Philbin: Here we are…

[ Kathie Lee begins to sing for herself ]

Gelman: [ holding our a cell phone ] Kathie Lee… Hoda’s looking for you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ waving him off ] Tell her I was in a car accident.

Regis Philbin: Gelman, let’s get out of here — let’s go! I can’t take this any more.

Gelman: I want to STAY!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, I will beat you within an INCH of your life! Let’s go! [ he grabs Gelman’s shoulder ]

Gelman: YOU’RE HURTING ME!!

Regis Philbin: I’m TELLING you, I’ll put you away!

[ Regis drags Gelman off stage ]

Kelly Ripa: I’ll miss you, Reege!

Kathie Lee Gifford: No one knows who you are!

[ Kathie Lee makes a point of inching closer to the camera and standing in front of Ripa as she sings and makes facial gestures at the camera ]

[ cut to show graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts