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SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 21

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May 14th, 2011

Ed Helms

Paul Simon

None

Chris Colfer

Lindsey Buckingham

John Hamm

Jimmy Fallon

Steve Carell

Stephen Colbert

None

The Situation RoomSummary: While delivering a speech on immigration, President Barack Obama instead overpats himself on the back for having killed Osama bin Laden.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Ed Helms’ MonologueSummary: Ed Helms relates the tale of how he equated the art of baton-twirling with pursuing a career in show business.

Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup.

Note: Repeat from 10q.

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts musical greats Paul Simon, Chris Colfer, Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) and another Lindsey Buckingham so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Robert Smigel’s “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”, superheroes Ace (Jon Hamm) and Gary (Jimmy Fallon) appear in the flesh after being zapped with a flesh ray by Bighead (Steve Carell), Dr. Brainio (Stephen Colbert), and Half Face (Ed Helms).

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “Rewrite”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) bungles more news stories. Will Smith (Jay Pharaoh) defends his actions of leaving his trailer on a Soho street by reminding people that things are always better in his presence. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are ill-prepared to debut their new vacation-themed album.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Will Smith, Garth, Kat.

Song MemoriesSummary: Group of buddies (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Ed Helms) share stories while listening to Cat Stevens’ “Wild World”.

Recurring Characters: Bar Buddies.

Transcript

One Take TonySummary: Charactor actor Tony Toluca (Andy Samberg) can perform all of his scenes in a single take, as long as the director (Ed Helms) never stops rolling the camera).

Recurring Characters: Louis Armstrong.

Paul Simon performs “So Beautiful Or So What”

Ann-Margret Tries To Throw Away A Wad Of Paper Into A TrashcanSummary: Ann-MArgret (Kristen Wiig) dances all around the house in her pursuit to throw a wad of paper into a trash can for her beau (Ed Helms).

Recurring Characters: Ann-Margret.

Transcript

Republican CandidateSummary: A brief message of hope is delivered by a generic Republican candidate (Ed Helms).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) discusses shredding documents and burying them at sea.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a high school following a carbon monoxide scare.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.

Note: This sketch will air on nexr week’s episode hosted by Justin Timberlake.

Buchanan BrothersSummary: Parents (Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig) prevent their daughter (Vanessa Bayer) from making out during the prom by placing the Buchanan Brothers’ (Ed Helms, Taran Killan) turn-off music in her date’s (Paul Brittain) car.

Transcript

Sea SaltSummary: Chef (Ed Helms) claims he can prevent health problems by cooking only with sea salt.

HandimalsSummary: Hand-painted animals are used for making prank phone calls.

Google InterviewSummary: Google executive (Ed Helms) makes fun of applicant’s (Andy Samberg) during an interview.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Ann-Margret Tries To Throw Away A Wad Of Paper Into A Trashcan

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Ann-Margret Tries To Throw Away A Wad Of Paper Into A Trashcan

Beau…..Ed Helms
Ann-Margret…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior living space, 60’s-era swanky abode ]

Beau: [ holding up crumpled wad of paper ] Throw this away for me, would you, Doll?

[ drum cymbals begin to beat lightly, as Ann-Margret, back to the camera, holds out her hand ]

Announcer: And now… Ann-Margret Tries to THrow Away a Wad of Paper Into a Trashcan.”

[ Ann-Margret grabs the wad of paper and turns to face the camera ]

Ann-Margret: Let’s make this happen!

[ as the drum cymbals, crash she begins to shimmy across the living room ]

Beau: [ smashing his cigarette into the ashtray ] It’s right over there.

[ Ann-Margret swings her arms up and down in rhythm ]

Beau: Yeah, yeah — you’re not very close.

[ Ann-Margret shimmies back and forth across the floor ]

Beau: It’s over here, actually.

[ Ann-Margret shimmies further away from the trashcan ]

Beau: The other way. You know what? [ he crosses the room and grabs the trashcan ] Here we go. I’ll just put it right there for you. There’s no way you can miss it now.

[ he takes his seat on the sofa ]

Beau: Alright, sweetheart. You’re right on top of it. You can just let go any time.

[ Ann-Margret drops back onto the sofa, kicks her legs in the air and shakes her head ]

Beau: [ to himself ] I should have done this. I should have done this myself.

[ Ann-Margret jumps back to her feet and shimmies back across the room ]

Beau: Okay, now you’re straddling it! Now you’re straddling it! How do you not know it’s there?!

[ Ann-Margret prances into the hall ]

Beau: Now where are you going? Okay, running around the hallway. That’s not helping.

[ Ann-Margaret disappears into the hallway, then her hand holding the wad of paper emerges, and soon she bounces out behind it ]

Beau: Oh, there it is. A litle bee-bop-a-doo.

[ Ann-Margret returns to the living room ]

Beau: There, she’s coming back!

[ Ann-Margret begins to spank her hindside as she dances over the trashcan ]

Beau: Spanking it. Right there! It’s right there! You got it! Come here! Look! Eyes on me! Eyes on me! Trashcan! Paper in the trash! THROW IT!!

[ the music crashes to a stop, as Ann-Margret finally drops the wad of paper in the trashcan ]

Beau: Yeah. You did a great job, Ann.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Beau: Well, there’s someone at the door.

[ the music stings, as the camera zooms in on Ann-Margret’s expectant face ]

Ann-Margret: Let’s make this happen!

[ Ann-Margret begins to shimmy backwards toward the door ]

Beau: So… does this mean you’re gonna get the door?

[ Ann-Margret continues to shimmy in place ]

Beau: No? Just more dancing? Alright, you know what? I’ll get it.

[ he tries to slip past Ann-Margret, but she keeps shimmying in his way ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Song Memories

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Song Memories

Ed…..Ed Helms
Bill…..Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Scientist…..Paul Brittain

[ open on poker table in the basement, as three buddies hang out together ]

Ed: Oh, it’s so great seeing you guys!

Bill: We’ve talked about this forever.

Andy: Yeah, I’m glad we finally got our schedules together.

[ Jason returns with bottles of beer ]

Jason: Alright, here’s some brews to make up for the money I just won off you suckers.

Bill: I hope it won’t disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes, will it?

Jason: No, no. They won’t mind. Go ahead. Let loose.

[ Bill points the remote at the stereo and pots up Cat Stevens’ “Wild World” ]

Jason: Oh! Great song!

Andy: Classic!

Jason: Classic, yeah!

[ they all sing along with the opening “La la la la la…” line ]

Jason: You know, uh — I think this was the first song I ever learned on guitar. Yeah, my grandpa taught me how to play it.

Andy: Oh, yeah?

Jason: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, music was a real bond between us, you know? He bought me my first turntable, and he gave me his ENTIRE record collection after he passed away. I got a lot of great memories of just sitting around listening to albums with him. I miss him.

Bill: He’s always, always, always, always with you, man.

Jason: No, no… [ he lifts a cup ] I know. Especially since I carry his ashes around with me in this Jamba Juice cup. [ he slams the cup on the table and lets some of the ashes fly ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Andy: [ pointing to the cup ] Why is there a straw in there?

Jason: ‘Cause, uh — so he can breathe.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of? My dad.

Jason: Ah!

Bill: Oh, yeah. We’ve always had our ups and downs. He’s certainly no angel, but… he’s my dad, you know?

Ed: Aren’t you guys estranged?

Bill: Yeah. We haven’t seen each other in years. I feel terrible about it. It’s only recently I found out where he was living.

Jason: Oh, yeah? Did you call him?

Bill: I tried, but, by the time I found his number, several Navy seals had killed him and thrown his body in the ocean.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Bill: I did inherit his sweet porn collection, though.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Andy: You know, one of my patients was humming this song the other day.

Ed: Oh, yeah! How is being a doctor?

Andy: Oh! I LOVE it! You know, I feel like I’m really helping people, I give them their yearly check-up. The only thing they don’t like is that prostate exam — you know, when I gotta put my finger up there? [ the buddies chuckle with famliarity ] It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable for them, but, you know, you gotta get yuor prostate checked, right?

Jason: Yeah. Prevention is everything.

Andy: Yeah. I just hope none of my lady patients find out they don’t have one! [ he laughs mischieviously ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

Jason: Now, you’re a dentist, right?

Andy: That is correct!

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: You guys know how I like to dress up in a full scuba suit and then hide in the bottom of Port-o-Pottys and take pictures, right?

Bill: Yeah.

Andy: Ohhhh, yeah!

Ed: It’s just who I am. I even put together a coffee table book called “Port-o-Potty Hotties: A View from Below”.

Jason: Ohhh, nice!

Andy: Hey, was that on Amazon?

Ed: No. No, I never published it. I just made one copy.

Andy: I’d really love to see that.

Ed: Well… I don’t have it any more. I gave it away. The BEST Mother’s Day present I ever gave.

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
It’s hard to get by, just upon a smile!”

[ Ed grabs Jason’s Jamba Juice cup and takes a sip, then spits the ashes out of his mouth when he realzies his mistake ]

All: [ singing ]
“Ooh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world!
Ah!
I’ll always remember you, just like a child, gi-i-i-irl.”

Ed: Man! It is SO great to be here! I really needed this, guys.

[ Scientist comes down the stairs ]

Scientist: Boys? Boys?

All: Uh-oh!

Scientist: Are you ready to make ze human centipede?

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

[ they all assume the position ]

Andy: This is SO dumb!

[ freeze-frame, as Captain & Tenille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” plays ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: TV Funhouse

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

TV Funhouse

Ace…..Jon Hamm
Gary…..Jimmy Fallon
Bighead…..Steve Carell
Dr. Brainio…..Stephen Colbert
Two Face…..Ed Helms
Lizardo…..Fred Armisen

Jingle:
“The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “The Dark Clenched Hole of Evil.”

[ open in Big Head’s secret laboratory ]

Dr. Brainio: And with this flesh-ray weapon I’ve designed, no one will be safe from our deadly carnivorous cyber-eel.

Bighead: Never mind that! We’ve broken into Ace & Gary’s communication network!

Dr. Brainio: So we can track their whereabouts?

Bighead: No! Their credit card account! Any smoking guns, Lizardo?

Lizardo: [ on the computer ] Not yet. Subscriptions to Men’s Fitness, Men’s Cleanliness, GQ…

Bighead: GQ’s gay!

Half Face: Not as much any more. They’ve got that “Women Men Love” thing.

Bighead: THAT’S Esquire!

[ cut to City Hall ]

Commissioner: Ace! Gary! we have reason to believe Bighead and his cronies are hacking into your system!

Ace: [ over phone ] Why, Commissioner, that’s a penetration of our privacy.

Commissioner: Uh… I think that term is… “invasion”, Ace.

Ace: Those villains! They’re trying to probe our most sensitive areas. I can feel it.

[ the Commissioner shirks ]

Ace: Commissioner? Are you there?

Commissioner: We really have to be going…

Ace: Commissioner, we make a great team! You finger the perps, and we give them our fists!

Commissioner: Gotta go!

Ace: To the Duo Car, Gary!

Gary: You got it, Ace!

[ they run out of their workout room ]

[ Ace & Gary zoom through the alley in heir penis-shaped car ]

Ace: Time’s running out! THRUST it, Gary!

[ Gary pulls the thrust handle, as the car stretches in size, pulsates, then flies into the air ]

[ cut to Bighead’s lab ]

Lizardo: Let’s see… nose hair trimmer…

Bighead: What about gay porn?

Lizardo: The online gay porn sites are very secure. I have my limits.

Half Face: So… if someone had bleached their pubic hair, you couldn’t find out?

Lizardo: Well… yes. If a person bought items that would indicate it, I could.

Half Face: What if he paid cash… or used a credit card once, in 1997? Does that follow him to his grave?

Dr. Brainio: Moving on.

Bighead: Here’s a suggestion: Let’s just survey all the male hookers in the area and find out who they’ve been sleeping with?

Dr. Brainio: That’s not a good idea!

Lizardo: Nope!

Minion: I don’t like it.

Dr. Brainio: Don’t say anything…

[ Ace & Gary hover outside Bighead’s lab ]

Gary: Where’s the entrance, Ace?

Ace: Let’s just stick it RIGHT through the duster, Gary.

[ they begin to through thrust the car against the outer wall ]

Ace: Reverse! Thrust! Reverse! Thrust! Reverse!

[ it’s a no-go ]

Ace: Vibration mode!

[ the front of the car begins to vibrate wildly, enabling them to crash through the wall and disrupt the criminals ]

Ace: NOW who’s being penetrated without expecting it?!

Bighead: Epic pop-in.

Dr. Brainio: The flesh-ray! Fire it NOW!

[ Half Face fires the flesh-ray ]

[ the rays zap Ace & Gary, as the screen morphs into live-action ]

Ace: What’s… happening… Gary?

Gary: Feeling… smooth.

Ace: You scoundrels! Transforming my partner into warm, juicy flesh!

Gary: Plus, we’re LETTER-BOXED!

Dr. Brainio: You’re finished! Release the cyber-eel!

Half Face: Wait! This ray won’t stop firing!

[ the flesh-ray zaps the cyber-eel, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the Duo Car, which morphs into live-action ]

[ the flesh-ray zaps the criminals, who morphs into live-action ]

Half Face: It’s the GUN! I swear!

Bighead: [ to Dr. Brainio ] Tell me something! How much did you PAY for that thing?!

Dr. Brainio: Less than I paid for your mother!

[ Bighead growls ]

Dr. Brainio: [ pointing at Ace & Gary ] Get them!

[ Ace and Gary put up their dukes and point their butt cheeks at one another ]

[ they start punching the criminals, including a split-punch to the groin courtesy of Gary ]

Gary: Think we can take them, Ace?

Ace: I think we Can-Can!

[ Ace and Gary wraps their arms across each others shoulder, then administer Can-Can kicks to the henchmen ]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?

Gang: NOTHING!!

[ Ace & Gary Can-Can kick more henchmen ]

Dr. Brainio: We can’t stop them! We need a new plan!

Lizardo: May I suggest something we haven’t addressed?

Dr. Brainio: Yes. Please.

Lizarso: What if they are bi?

Dr. Brainio: Oh, come on! Let’s go!

Bighead: I agree with Brainio! Nobody is bi! That is just a gay guy who occasionally bangs a lady!

Half Face: Well, what’s Andy Dick, then?

Dr. Brainio: Can we go, PLEASE?!

Ace: There could be more, Gary. We better get a good stretch.

[ Ace & Gary strecth across one another, as everyone watches ]

Dr. Brainio: I’m BEGGING you… to FOCUS! Come on!

[ the criminals silently exit the lab ]

Gary: They got away, Ace!

Ace: Hold on, Friend of Friends! [ he touches his nipple through his costume ] I’m picking up some disturbing chatter on my Pec-sponder! They’ve gone to the roof!

[ Gary pats Ace on the ass, and they run ]

[ the cyber-eel desperately tries to bust out of its glass case ]

[ Ace & Gary run out of a dark alley outside ]

Ace: Quick! Gary! Climb on my back!

[ Gary jumps on Ace’s back as the henchmen arrive, each one getting knocked down by a swift blow from Gary’s bulbous butt cheeks ]

[ Ace presses a button, releasing a grappler claw from his crotch area that fires upward and secures a hold at the top of the building ]

[ back inside the lab, the cyber-eel has smashes its way out of its glass case ]

[ atop the rooftop, Bighead and his gang try to escape as Ace & Gary appear ]

Ace: We gotcha NOW, Bighead! You may look real… but you’re STILL —

[ the cyber-eel lurches over the edge of the building and attacks Ace & Gary ]

Ace: I got the tail, Gary! Go for the neck, that’s where it’s most sensitive!

[ as they struggle with the cyber-eel, the criminals watch in horror ]

Ace: That’s it! Bite the head, Gary! Bite the head HARD!

[ Ace & Gary freeze ]

Ace: NOW what are you looking at?!

Gang: NOTHING!!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Goodnights

…..Ed Helms

Ed Helms: Thanks to Paul Simon… Lindsey Buckinghan… Chris Colfer… Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm! And thanks to… Lorne Michaels and this incredible cast and crew, the writers and everybody. I’ve had an incredible week! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ed Helms: 05/14/11: The Situation Room

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Situation Room

Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Jennifer Kates…..Vanessa Bayer
T-shirt crew members…..Taran Killam, Nasim Pedrad

[ open on “The Situation Room” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer standing before monitor ]

Wolf Blitzer: [ mumbly throughout ] Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer. And this… this is “The Situation Room”, which, three nights a week, also doubles as my bedroom. Earlier this week, President Barack Obama spoke in el Paso, Texas. And while the topic of the speech was Immigration Reform, it also seemed as if the President were taking a victory lap after the capture and death of Osama bin Laden. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to President Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: [ pointing to his supporters ] Thank you! Thank you! [ laughing ] You feeling GOOD, El Paso? [ the crowd cheers ] I’m feeling good, too! I’m gonna talk about immigration, but first, I’m not sure if you heard the news — We killed bin Laden! [ the crowd cheers ] Ha ha, that’s right! Ha ha ha! Yeah! It’s great to be back here in Texas, the Lone Star state, home of George W. Bush, the 43rd President — The 43rd president to NOT kill bin Laden, this is! We got him! We got bin Laden! Ha ha ha! [ the crowd cheers ]