Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19

10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Mary Shelley

Mary Shelley…..Helen Mirren
Male Guest #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Guest #2…..Bill Hader
Male Guest #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig
Frank Stein…..Fred Armisen
Igor…..Paul Brittain

[ open on photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] Author Mary Shelley was one of the most notable female writers of the Romantic Period. Her greatest triumph came in 1818, when she published her classic novel, “Frankenstein”.”

[ dissolve to Mary Shelley’s apartment ]

[ SUPER: “A Very Dramatic Reenactment” ]

Male Guest #1: A loud huzzah to Mary Shelley, and her new gothic novel “Frankenstein: A Modern Prometheus”!

Guests: Huzzah!! Huzzah!!

Mary Shelley: Thank you all so much, your kind words flatter me.

Male Guest #2: It was a brilliant imagination that crafted the chraracter of The Monster.

Guests: Here, here!!

Male Guest #3: Mary, I say — it looks like you have another guest arriving!

[ a Frankenstein-like man enters the apartment with a toolbox ]

Frank Stein: Hey, how you guys doin’?

Mary Shelley: Oh, no, no. That’s just my landlord. I beg pardon — were we making too much noise?

Frank Stein: No, no. I wanted you you guys, to let you know, uhhhhhh — [ waving his arms frantically ] we’re having soem trouble with the hot water, so I gotta check the pipes.

Male Guest #1: I say, good man, have you read your tenant’s wonderul new book?

Frank Stein: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh — you know, I wasn’t gonna mention the book, you know, but, you know, since you brought it up, you know, I read it and I was kinda curious, you know, how’d you coem up with “The Monster”?

Mary Shelley: Well, while on holiday in Switzerland, I became fascinated with this idea of re-animating dead matter —

Frank Stein: Uh-huh.

Mary Shelley: How science could bring to life what God had sought to kill.

Frank Stein: Yeah. I also think you’re making FUN of me a little! You know?

Mary Shelley: What on earth could you mean?

Frank Stein: Well, Mary, I’m reading the book, you’re describing the Monster and he’s got green skin, you know, he’s got a flat head. I thought, okay, it’s just a coincidence, but, you know, the bolts? Come on, Mary! You know, that’s a clavical base, I got hit by a horse!

Mary Shelley: The Monster is a creature of my imagination, he’s — he’s not based on you, Frank!

Female Guest: [ confused ] I-I-I’m sorry? Your name is “Frank”?

Frank Stein: Frank Stein. Yeah.

Female Guest: Truth be told, Mary, that is a little similar.

Mary Shelley: Frankenstein is the name of the doctor! The Monster is just called… “The Monster”!

Frank Stein: Yeah, but, you know, over time people are just gonna LUMP ’em together, you know? In like a hundred years, people are gonna be like, “Boy, that Frank Stein is a stupid monster!” You know?

[ the guests murmur their agreement ]

Frank Stein: [ waving his arms and growling ] I don’t want to make this a whole thing! Let’s just forget it, I’m gonna go fix the pipes, have your party!

[ Frank Stein wanders off to the side to work on the pipes ]

Male Guest #1: Mary, would you be so kind as to read a passage from the book?

Mary Shelley: Oh! Very well! [ she puts down her tea and picks up the book, as Frank Stein growls in the background ] “I beheld the wretch — the miserable monster whom I had created –”

Frank Stein: Oh, I need a screwdriver!

Mary Shelley: “His jaws were opened, and he muttered some inarticulate sounds –”

[ Frank Stein growls in the background ]

Female Guest: Mary! Your words gave me quite a chill!

Mary Shelley: [ putting her book down ] It is. It is a little cold in here, isn’t it? Why don’t I stoke the stove.

Frank Stein: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Absolutely NOT! Fire BAAAAD! Fore BAD, everybody! It gets in the halls, the smoke and everything! Fire bad! It’s a blanket rule!

Male Guest #3: No, we get it… we get it… [ looking up ] Good God!! Who is THAT?!!

[ hump-backed teenager Igor enters the room ]

Igor: Hey, Dad.

Frank Stein: Hey, Igor.

Igor: Mr. Wordsworth says there’s a bird caught in his apartment, and that it’s ALIVE!

[ Frank Stein nods ]

Male Guest #2: Your son’s name is… is Igor?

Frank Stein: Yeah! [ to Mary ] Thank you for that, by the way, that’s uh, that’s really classy. He’s a kid! Nice work.

[ Frank Stein and Igor exit the apartment ]

Male Guest #1: Hmm…

Female Guest: So is the Monster really based on him?

Mary Shelley: Oh, yes! One-hundred percent!

Male Guest #3: And did he actually throw a little girl into a well?

[ Frank Stein re-enters the apartment ]

Frank Stein: No-o!! I accidentally pushed a girl into a birdbath, and she was FINE, by the way!

Mary Shelley: That’s not what I heard!

Frank Stein: Yeah, you know what? You STINK! I hope you NEVER write a famous book again!

[ cut to photo of Mary Shelley ]

Announcer: …and she didn’t.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20


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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


May 7th, 2011

Tina Fey

Ella Goulding

None

Maya Rudolph

Darrell Hammond

Michael Bolton

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone

Osama bin Laden Video WillSummary: In pre-taped footage, Osama bin Laden (Fred Armisen) reads his ironic last will and testament.

Recurring Characters: Osama bin Laden.

Transcript

Montage

Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Expectant mothers Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph perform a duet for their unborn children (Kristen Wiig, Kenan Thompson).

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates DebateSummary: The offputting nature of Sarah Palin (Tina Fey), Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) and other Republican long-shots during an undeclared candidates debate almost assures victory for the Democrats in 2012.

Recurring Characters: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Shepard Smith, Newt Gingrich, Jimmy McMillan, Michele Bachmann.

Transcript

Below The WavesSummary: In a knock-off of “The Little Mermaid”, a happy musical performance by an underwater princess (Tina Fey) and her sea creature friends is disrupted by the floating dead body of Osama bin Laden.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The Lonely Island looks forward to laying down a track with Michael Bolton, but the singer is more obsessed with singing about “Jack Sparrow” and “The Pirates of the Carribbean” than a hip-hop club beat.

Transcript

Ellie Goulding performs “Lights”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) comments on the death of Osama bin Laden, who’s already making an ass of himself in Hell. Muammer Gaddafi’s two best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) try to defend him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. City Correspondent Stefon (Bill Hader) on Mother’s Day tips.

Recurring Characters: The Devil, Stefon.

Birthing SeminarSummary: Parents-to-be endure viewing a supposedly outdated birthing video that proves to be more nauseating than educational.

Bedelia’s SleepoverSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad invites her mom (Tina Fey) to attend a teenage sleepover with her.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia, Bedelia’s Mother.

Ellie Goulding performs “Your Song”

Pregnant in HeelsSummary: Pregnancy coach Rosie Pope (Abby Elliott) prepares Shoshanna Bunt (Tina Fey) for a glamorous delivery.

Transcript

Googie Rene’s Slightly Damaged Prom Wear BarnSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells prom dresses and formal wear at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

Hallmark “Mother” CollectionSummary: The perfect greeting card for weirdos with a strong Mother fixation (Paul Brittain).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Two A-Holes at a Book SigningSummary: The A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) bother Tina Fey during a “Bossypants” book signing.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Ralph the AssistantSummary: Tina Fey struggles to get along with her dumb assistant (Andy Samberg).

Greek Game ShowSummary: Greek contestants can’t lose on their ethinc-based game show.

Late Night with Tyler PerrySummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) interviews Tina Fey on his new late night talk show.

Great Women WritersSummary: A documentation of the great women writers who inspired Tina Fey to follow in their craft, although the announcer concentrates only on making riffs about their bad looks.

Transcript

MeditationSummary: Ravi (Paul Brittain) tries to lead a meditation class despite constant interruptions from his mother (Nasim Pedrad).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates Debate

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jimmy McMillan…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News slide ]

Announcer: And now, a special Fox News presentation. Live, at Daniel Webster College in ??, New Hampshire, it’s the 2012 Republican Presidential Undeclared Candidates Debate. With your host… Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: I’m Shepard Smith. My voice is both reassuring and deeply unsettling. [ he smiles maniacally ] Welcome to this week’s second GOP debate. On Thursday, five official Republican candidates squared off in South Carolina. The debate included Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santora — and I’m gonna stop there before I fall asleep! Why don’t we shift from the candidates we don’t know much about, to the candidates we wish we knew less about. Please welcome former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ he nods ] Aw, gee whiz… I’ve been smiling for the last four years, but, I… I haven’t been happy once! [ he chuckles nervously ]

Shepard Smith: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: I love the 90’s!

Shepard Smith: Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Michele Bachmann: [ facing the side of her podium ] It’s a pleasure to be here!

Shepard Smith: Current famous person Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin: It’s just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. And I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won’t twist my words by repeating them verbatim.

Shepard Smith: The Andrew “Dice” Clay of the real estate world — Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: The ratings for tonight’s debate are gonna to be HUGE! As big as last Sunday’s “Apprentice”, where Star Jones got so mad she almost popped a staple! Plus, at the end, we finally killed Osama bin Laden. Osama, boom, you’re fired!

Shepard Smith: Finally, he was uninvited but fought his way through security and refuses to leave. Former New York gubernatorial candidate and current member of the Podium’s Too Damn Expensive Party — Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: Allow me to reintroduce myself! My name is Jimmy McMillan, and I believe, with the help of America’s voters, I can be this nation’s LAST Black president!

Shepard Smith: We begin with Mitt Romney. Mr. Romney, you ran and lost in 2008. What makes you think you have a chance this time?

Mitt Romney: Well, people say a lot of things about Mitt Romney. They say I’m rich and disconnected, they say I’m a dead fish. They say I look like a villain in a Lifetime movie: [ waving his hands ] “Look out, Meredith Baxter-Birney! I’m gonna get you! Aiiiggghhhh!! What am I doing, why won’t they let me talk?” [ he chuckles nervously and shrugs ]

Shepard Smith: Good question! Newt Gingrich. You’re never gonna be president, and I have a feeling you don’t really want to be. Would you like to duck out early?

Newt Gingrich: [ he nods ] Yeah, I’d love to!

[ Gingrich jumps down from his podium and waves goodbye to everyone, even high-fiving Jimmy McMillan on his way out ]

Shepard Smith: Bye, Newt! Michele Bachmann. When MSNBC wants to scare liberals into caring about elections, they have you on as a guest. How can you win over the independent voters?

Michele Bachmann: Shepard, I’m hoping to establish a “Fatal Attraction” situation with America. At first I will come off as intense, and even a little bit sexy. [ she turns to pose seductively, as the camera zooms closer ] Over time the intensity will become overwhelming, and you’ll begin to fear what I will do if you make me angry. A crazy woman untethered can be a dangerous thing. Cars get keyed, boxes of excrement will be found on your doorstep. You’ll decide it’s just safer to marry me so you can keep an eye on me. America? I challenge you to a staring contest. And it begins… now. [ she stares intensely at the camera ]

Shepard Smith: Mark me down as scared AND horny! [ he smiles mischieviously ] Sarah Palin. Many thought you need to bone up on policy in order to be a serious candidate in 2012. Instead, you seem to have done the opposite, focusing on reality television and Twitter. What, if anything, new do you have to offer the American people?

Sarah Palin: Well, first I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric. As for boning up on experience and policy, I’m planning a trip to the Middle East where I will be filming a cameo in “Hangover 3: The Third Hangover”. Those fellows go to a bar, and I’m there! I also recently purchased Rosetta Stone: English. But the important thing for people to know is that I’m going to be running for president every four years for the rest of my life! It’s my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers!

Shepard Smith: Donald Trump. Go!

Donald Trump: [ standing behind a gold podium ] You’re welcome! [ he pauses ] You know there’s a great American movie called “Citizen Kane”. It’s about a man who kicks ass and makes a TON of money! I haven’t seen the ending of this movie but I assume it ends with him happy AND president. I want to be your Citizen TRUMP! And if you criticize me, just remember: You’re rubber and I’m gold, so whatever you say doesn’t matter because I’m gold and you’re losers. [ he turns to Palin ] Except you. Sarah Palin, I like you. [ she cocks her finger at him ] If you want to be my vice-president, all you have to do is sell more chili than NeNe Leakes over the course of a hot summer day in Times Square. To conclude: This is a great time for this nation’s greatest man — ME! “Celebrity Apprentice”, Sundays at 9pm, only on NBC! Bing-bong-boom! You’re fired! I’m hired, as President. You’re fired! “The Apprentice”!

Shepard Smith: Finally, Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: [ standing behind a cardboard podium ] First, I want to address those in the Birther Movement who claim that I was born a billy goat. Your suspicions are confirmed. PART C! I have recently received intelligence that Osama bin Laden is hiding in the ocean! So I will not rest until I find him! [ he holds up a scuba mask ] So this Mother’s Day, vote for ME: The Black Lorax! Noww let this debate… BEGIN!!

Shepard Smith: That concludes tonight’s debate. In closing, I would like to congratulate Barack Obama on his re-election. I’m Shepard Smith, and I’m a silly little catfish! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Goodnights

…..Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Thanks to Ellie Goulding, Maya Rudolph, Darrell Hammond, Michael Bolton! Jeff Richmond, for the music and for letting me have another kid. And everyone have a great Happy Mother’s Day — be nice to your mother tomorrow!

[ Maya Rudolph laughs snidely ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Hallmark “Mother” Collection

Man…..Paul Brittain

[ open on Man addressing a Mother’s Day card at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: It’s Mother’s Day. And there’s no better way to express your feelings than Hallmark.

[ the man places the card in front of a vase of roses on the kitchen counter ]

Announcer: Because every mother is special — but your mother is most special of all.

[ Mother enters the kitchen and picks up the card addressed to her ]

Announcer: Because it’s you… in a dress.

[ reveal man dressed as his mother and smiling ]

Announcer: Introducing… the Hallmark “Mother” Collection. For weirdos. Because you’re not just a good son… you’re also a wonderful mother.

[ “Mother” hugs the homemade card, then places it on the refrigerator next to a lock of hair ]

Announcer: So show yourself you care. Because your mother will never leave you as long as you keep dressing like her… and talking like her… and being a good boy.

Because you’re crazy — about Mother.

The Hallmark “Mother” Collection. Available this Mother’s Day.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Pregnant in Heels

Announcer…..Seth Meyers
Rosie Pope…..Abby Elliott
Shoshanna Bunt…..Tina Fey
Shoshanna’s husband…..Taran Killam
LT…..Jay Pharoah

[open on BRAVO ident, followed by „Pregant In Heels“ titles and establishing shots of New York and Rosie Pope]

Announcer: This week on BRAVO: it’s an all new „Pregnant in Heels“

[Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: Hi! I’m Rosie Pope – Matehnity Conciehge.

[Exterior and interior shots of Rosie Pope’s shop]

[Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: I provide mah pregnant clients with anything they wahnt. No matter how extreme.

[Rosie Pope hands a Martini glass to a pregnant woman, then proceeds to hold a miniature Martini glass under her skirt]

Announcer: And she’s got her work cut out for her with millionaire mummy-to-be: Shoshanna Bunt.

Shoshanna Bunt: I’m the president of ‘Shoshanna Bunt PR’, we are a PR firm that represents other PR firms. I love being pregants [sic]! I’ve already lost 35 pounds.

[She applauds herself with false humility]

[Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Announcer: Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.

Shoshanna’s husband: I’m sorry – what’s wrong with your voice?

Rosie Pope: Well, I was born in England, then moved to America and every morning a thousand bees sting my tahngue.

Announcer: And – lots of demands!

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie, when my baby is born I wanna make sure that the delivery room is, like, total VIP. No randos!

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No uglies.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No fatties.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No docties – that’s doctors.

Rosie Pope: Whoa.

Shoshanna Bunt: And I wanna have a water birth, but instead of water I want diet coke.

[Sound of record scratching. Rosie Pope and Shoshanna Bunt exchange tense looks.]

Announcer: And! We have this guy!

[Cut to LT in Rosie’s shop, holding up a tiny shirt with „ASS“ printed on it.]

[Cut to testimonial]

LT: I am not a person, as I am a collection of choices.

[Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Shoshanna Bunt: I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting!

Rosie Pope: Yah. I’m way ahead of you.

[She holds up a stick with a tiny stylish hat, tiny tie and tiny waistcoat attached to it]

Rosie Pope: Prop your legs up and I’ll get this outfit to the bahbyh.

[Shoshanna does]

Rosie Pope: Don’t worry. It’s just like building a ship in a bottahl.

[Rosie starts aiming the stick at Shoshanna]

Announcer: Plus: we’ll pad the boring moments with signature BRAVO music.

[Cut to Rosie, Shoshanna and husband exchanging looks for a minute, while BRAVO’s signature music plays.]

Announcer: And cuts to a dog!

[Cut to a dog]

[Cut back to Shoshanna, back to the dog, back to Rosie Pope]

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie’s the best. She even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound.

[Cut to a picture of Shoshanna’s ultrasound with Kanye West next to the fetus]

[Cut to exterior of a hospital]

Announcer: Rosies’s even there on the big day!

[Cut to delivery room. Rosie and LT stand by Shoshanna as she gives birth. Rosie lets out a distressed „Whoooaaa“ as the doctor delivers the baby.]

Doctor: It’s a boy!

Shoshanna Bunt: Don’t cut the cord, I might wanna return it.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: [distracted by her ring] Thanks, Rosie!

Rosie Pope: You’re wahlcome!

LT: I did not help at all!

[Cut to ‘Pregnant In Heels’ titles]

Announcer: ‘Pregnant In Heels’! Only on BRAVO! Right after an all new ‘Loud Old Bitches’ and ‘America’s Next Dumb Gay Guy’!

Submitted by: Bon Nitsch

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Below the Waves

Mermaid Princess…..Tina Fey
Crabby…..Kenan Thompson
Seahorse…..Paul Brittain
Manta Ray…..Fred Armisen
Salmon #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Salmon #2…..Abby Elliott

[ open on underwater vista ]

[ dissolve to sea floor ]

Mermaid Princess: Oh, Crabby! The human world is so amazing! When I went up there, I saw people dancing, seahorse carriages, and look — [ holds up a fork ] I even found a whatchamadoodle! [ she begins to comb her hair with it ]

Crabby: [ chuckling ] Princess, look around you! You have everything you need right here, at the bottom of the ocean!

Mermaid Princess: I don’t know, Crabby…

Crabby: Oh, trust me, girl! The human world is a MESS! But down here, it’s PARADISE!

[ music begins to play ]

Mermaid Princess: What do you mean, Crabby?

Crabby: Well, I’ll TELL you what I mean!

[ singing ]
“Below the waves
Below the waves
We always gather, down with the salmon
Below the waves!”

Take it, Princess!

Mermaid Princess: [ singing ]
“Everyone’s happy and relaxed
We got a seahorse on the sax
Look at that manta, he’s drinking Fanta
Below the waves!”

You know what, Crabby? You’re right — the bottom of the ocean is the PERFECT place to be!

Crabby: That’s the spirit, Princess!

[ singing ]
“All of the dolphins play keyboards
And the shrimp –”

[ suddenly, a dead body wrapped in shrouds falls on Crabby’s head ]

Crabby: Hey! Hey! Hey! What is on me?! Can somebody tell me what’s on me, please?!

Mermaid Princess: It’s some sort of… body wrapped in a — what’s that word again? — shroud.

Crabby: Oh, my God! It’s Osama bin Laden! They threw Osama bin Laden’s body in the OCEAN! [ panicking ] Get him off of me!

Mermaid Princess: Whoa! He’s really dead! This is a lot to process. I don’t even know how to react.

Seahorse: I know how to react. [ chanting ] U! S! A!

[ the Salmon join in ]

Together: U! S! A!

Mermaid Princess: Guys, I find that really distasteful.

Seahorse: But we GOT him!!

Mermaid Princess: You didn’t do anything — and you’re DRUNK!

Seahorse: [ slurring ] Hey, I’m drunk because I’m CELEBRATING!

Mermaid Princess: No… you were already drunk, and you’re using this as an excuse to get drunker.

Seahorse: [ holding a can of beer ] Alright, yeah… you got me!

Crabby: [ still balancing the body on his shoulders ] Can we talk about this after you get him off of me, please?! I mean, this guy CAUSED 9/11!

Manta Ray: Uh — did he?

[ the other sea creatures groan ]

Mermaid Princess: No one wants to hear your conspiracy theories, Manta!

Crabby: You know, I have HAD IT with these humans! They throw down their garbage, their oil spills, and their cruise ships use our home as a toilet!

Salmon #2: So do we…

Salmon #1: I’m going right now!

Mermaid Princess: Besides, Crabby — they probably couldn’t bury him on land because then his supporters would turn his grave into a shrine.

Crabby: SO?! Good! Bury him, and then, when anyone shows up, ARREST THEM! Or just bury him at Gitmo! “Hi, I’m here to see Osama bin Laden’s grave.” “Oh, here he is right over here — welcome to JAIL!!”

Mermaid Princess: Crabby, calm down! You’re turning all red!

Crabby: Well, I’m red because I’m a crab! Look — now get Obama OFF of me! I mean, Osama! Aggghhhh!! I keep doing that!

Manta Ray: It’s just one letter. Pretty weird, right?

[ the other sea creatures groan ]

Crabby: Oh, SHUT UP, Manta!

Mermaid Princess: [ pointing upward ] Look, Crabby! The current is taking his body away! We’ll NEVER have to see him again!

[ Crabby breathes a sigh of relief ]

Manta Ray: Uh — if it was even him.

[ the other sea creatures groan ]

Crabby: Come ON, man!

[ music pots up ]

All: [ singing ]
“Below the waves
Below the waves
We always gather, down with the salmon
Below the waves!”

[ dissolve to underwarer vista ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Osama bin Laden Video Will

Osama bin Laden…..Fred Armisen

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: Earlier today, the Pentagon released a taped seized in Sunday’s raid on Pakistan. According to video, Osama bin Laden’s last will and testament. The tape runs about three minutes.

[ dissolve to Osama bin Laden seated in chair while holding papers in his hands ]

Osama bin Laden rambles in his native language, as his will is translated with subtitles ]

Translator V/O: Allah be praised. I, Osama bin Laden, being at present in good health, and of sound mind and memory, thanks be to Allah, hereby declare the following to be my last will and testament.

First, as to my funeral arrangements, it is my wish that they be conducted in strict accordance with Islamic law.

As pallbearers, I designate my five oldest sons, and Dakota Fanning. If Dakota Fanning is positively unavailable, my executors may replace her with a Dakota Fanning lookalike, although I do ask that they try to get the real Dakota Fanning, if that is at all possible. If, by the time of my death, Dakota Fanning is over 12 years of age, or is no longer a virgin, my executors are to replace her with her younger sister, if she has one. Although again, a 12-year-old, virgin Dakota Fanning is my absolute first choice.

Second, as to my place of burial, I leave the decision to my executors, provided that, wherever it is, they do not bury me at sea. As my family well knows, I have a deathly fear of being eaten by fish, so I am very serious about this. Do not bury me at sea.

Third, as executors to this my last will and testament, I name my dear friends at the Pakistani Intelligence Services. They are solid, reliable people, and, may I add, among the few individuals a person can still trust in this corrupt, cynical world we live in.

Fourth, as a special bequest to my devoted human shield, Fatima, I leave an autographed picture, along with the bulletproof vest she always asks about.

Finally, before I discuss the disposition of my worldly estate, consisting of cash, stocks, bonds, annuities, and certificates of deposit, my heirs need to understand the following points:

First, the size of my personal fortune has always been greatly exaggerated by the media. Frankly, I have no idea where they get some of their numbers.

Second, bear in mind that my investment portfolio was badly hurt by the market downturn in 2008, plus the subsequent Flash Crash, and has not fully recovered. In addition, I have incurred a number of major expenses in the last few years: building my compound, paying bodyguards and couriers, training and equipping Jihadists, medical expenses, laundry, office supplies, sandals, and so on. So that should be factored in as well.

Also, with 115 children, 750 grandchildren, and 11,000 nieces and nephews, each individual’s share may not be as large as he or she may have anticipated. So, all that having been said, I hereby leave to my heirs, to be divided among them equally, my entire personal estate, currently valued at 3,600,000 Pakistani rupees, or 708 dollars 61 cents U.S.

Obviously, this is not as much as you or I would have hoped for, but there you have it. It is what it is.

Also, some of this, I imagine, will go to probate fees.

Now, I know that many of you must be disappointed at the size of the estate, and I suppose that now I’m suddenly some kind of bad person. Do I wish the estate were larger? Of course. I wish a LOT of things. I wish we had outdoor air-conditioning. I wish Mecca had better restaurants. I wish camel poop tasted like spicy hummus. But guess what? It doesn’t.

So I leave you with this:

Instead of complaining about what we don’t have, let’s just be thankful for what we do: Our health, each other, and best of all, the knowledge that, try as they might, the Americans will never catch me. Isn’t that the most important thing?

I hereby declare the above to be my last will and testament.

And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

An SNL Digital Short

…..Michael Bolton
…..Andy Samberg
…..Jorma Taccone
…..Akiva Schaffer

(Jorma, Andy, and Akiva are in their music studio listening to music)

Intercom: Guys, Michael Bolton is here.

Andy Samberg: Oh, great. Send him in.

(Michael Bolton opens the door and comes in.)

Michael Bolton: Hey guys.

Andy, Jorma, and Akiva: Hey. Thanks for coming.

Michael Bolton: I’m really sorry that I’m late. I just got caught up watching the Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Have you seen those things?

Andy, Jorma, and Akiva: Yeah.

Andy Samberg: Oh, yeah. Those are great.

Michael Bolton: So, I listened to your track and I loved it, and I wrote you this big sexy hook. I think you’re gonna really dig it.

Andy Samberg: Wow, that’s great. Do you wanna just lay it down?

Michael Bolton: Boys, let’s get to it.

(They go to a club in a sports car and cut the line to get inside)

Andy Samberg: “Here we go. Lonely Island. Michael Bolton.”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah, yeah.”

Andy Samberg:
“The night starts now.
Together on the track, the boys are back.
The night starts now
Night starts now, baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rolling up.”

Michael Bolton: “Rolling up!”

Andy Samberg: “Blow through the doors ain’t no holdin’ up .”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah!”

Andy Samberg: “Black card at the bar like I gives a fuck.”

Michael Bolton: “Come on!”

Jorma Taccone: “Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, fuck the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet.”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah, yeah!”

Jorma Taccone: “Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot.”

(Michael Bolton is on a beach)

Michael Bolton: “This is the tale of Captain Jack Sparrow, pirate so brave on the seven seas.”

Andy Samberg: What?

Michael Bolton: “A mystical quest to the Isle of Tortuga, Raven locks sway on the ocean’s breeze.”

(return to the club scene)

Akiva Schaffer:
Yeah that was kinda weird, but we’re back in the clubBuying up the bar so the groupies show us love

Michael Bolton: “Kiera Knightly.”

Akiva Schaffer:Motherfucking ice-man, I’m the top gunnerHeater on blast, I’m the number one stunner

Michael Bolton: “Jack Sparrow.”

Andy Samberg:
“Watch it girl ’cause I ain’t your ‘Mr. Nice Guy’,
More like the ‘meet ya take you home and fuck you twice guy'”

Michael Bolton: “Yeah yeah!”

Andy Samberg:
“All dressed up with nowhere to run,
And now I make you feel crazy, so let’s have fun.”(Michael Bolton jumps up wearing a pirate hat)

Michael Bolton: “Now, back to the good part! (Dressed up as Jack Sparrow on a pirate ship) From the day he was born, he yearned for adventure. Old Captain Jack giving them what for. He’s the pauper of the surf, and the jester of Tortuga. But is Davy Jones’ Locker what lies in store?”

Akiva Schaffer: Yeah, we’ve seen the movie.

Andy Samberg: “Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on!”

Michael Bolton: “Captain Jack!”

Andy Samberg: What?

Michael Bolton: “Johnny Depp!”

Andy Samberg: No!

Jorma Taccone: “From the front to the back say we count stacks come on.”

Michael Bolton: “Davy Jones!”

Jorma Taccone: Nope.

Michael Bolton: “Giant squid!”

Jorma Taccone: Wrong.

Akiva Schaffer: Michael Bolton, we’re really gonna need you to focus up.

Michael Bolton: “Roger that! Let me try it with another film.”

Andy Samberg: Wait!

Michael Bolton: (as Forrest Gump) “Life is a box of chocolates and my name is Forrest Gump.”

Andy Samberg: Not better.

Michael Bolton: “Though I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, I give Jenny all my love.”

Akiva Schaffer: Come on!

Michael Bolton: (as Erin Brockovich) “Okay, then. I’m a legal aide, and Erin Brockovich is my name.”

Jorma Taccone: Noooo, God!

Michael Bolton: (as Scarface) “Then you can call me Scarface, snortin’ mountains of cocaine.”

Andy Samberg: Close enough!

Michael Bolton: “You cockroaches wanna play rough? Okay, I’m reloaded.”

“This is the tale of Tony Montana
Cubano flame, with the Miami nuts
Got a basehead wife, but her womb is polluted
This whole town’s a pussy; just waiting to get fucked.”

Andy Samberg: Okay, it turns out Michael Bolton is a major cinephile.

Michael Bolton: (as Captain Jack) “You complete me.”

Andy Samberg: Yeah, okay.

(Applause)

Submitted by Adam Rapfogel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Great Women Writers

Written by: John Mulaney, Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer

…..Tina Fey
Announcer…..Bill Hader

[ open on Tina Fey standing at Home Base ]

Tina Fey: Hi, everyone. It’s so great to be back in this studio. You know, “SNL” has always had this reputation for being a bit of a Boy’s Club, but in my experience the show has always welcomed and respected women. In fact, to honor me and my new book, the show has put together a tribute to some of my favorite women writers of all time — the ones who have inspired me to pick up a pen when I was a little girl. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to title card over dramatic score ]

Announcer: And now, in honor of Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live” presents “Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to back-and-white photo of Jane Austen ]

With her six beloved novels, Jane Austen cemented herself as one of the greatest female writers of all time. She was witty, intelligent, and a true original. But did you know that she was also unattractive? [ zoom in on her bug-eyed face ] It’s true. That’s why she wrote books — not a lot of modeling contracts coming her way. Not a lot of dates, either. I’ll tell you two things keeping dudes away from her: pride… and prejudice. Oh, yeah — two more things: her face and body. Go to hell, Jane Austen!

[ dissolve to title card ]

This has been “Great Women Writers”. Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Okay, very funny, guys. But in ALL seriousness, I just want to say to all the young women watching that it doesn’t matterwhat you look like! What matters is that you work hard and believe in yourself!

[ dramatic score pots up ]

Announcer: And now…

Tina Fey: Wait, no! Stop it!

Announcer: Tina Fey presents…

Tina Fey: No! I do not present this!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “More Great Women Writers Throughout History”.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Virginia Wolff ]

Few in literature have achieved the legacy of Virginia Wolff. [ groaning ] Oh, man… more like Virginia WOOF! She was born in London in 1882, and died not a moment too soon! Books she wrote? “A Room of One’s Own”. [ he chuckles ] Don’t worry, Virginia — you’ll get your own room. I’ll take the one down the hall with a lock on it! Hey, you know who’s afraid of Virgina Wolff? Any homeboy with a pair of eyeballs! Okay, show a bunch of pictures — I’ll just riff.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Eudora Welty ]

Eudora Welty. That lady don’t write — she WRONG!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Betty Friedan ]

Betty Friedan? F me!!

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Agatha Christie ]

And, whoa! Who do we have here? Mystery writer Agatha Christie. Yikes! I’ll tell you whodunit: NOBODY! If somebody did do it, it was the butler in the bedroom with a brown paper bag! [ he laughs ] Oh, whoops! My piss jar’s almost full.

[ dissolve back to to title card ]

Welcome back, Tina!

[ dissolve back to Tina ]

Tina Fey: Thanks. It’s good to be home… you bunch of dicks.

[ she storms off stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts