SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 18






10r: Elton John

Goodnights

…..Elton John

Elton John: Thank you, everyone! Thank you and happy birthday to Leon Russell! [ Leon Russell doesn’t move an inch or show any visible signs of recognition as John pats his shoulder ] Carmelo Anthony! Will Forte! Jake Gyllenhaal! [ the live feed cuts off ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11: Elton John’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 18






10r: Elton John

Elton John’s Monologue

…..Elton John

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Elton John!

Elton John: Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s great to be here! I know that I’m a bit underdressed, but don’t worry — as the night goes on, I will get MORE fabulous! You know, I came on this show once before, as a musical guest in 1982. And, of all the things I’ve tried once, early in the 1980’s… this seemed like the safest one to try again! In any event, this is my second time here, so… it is entirely appropriate for me to say: “THE BITCH IS BACK!!” [ the audience cheers ] Although, I should note that I say that all the time, whether it’s appropriate or not.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very exciting time for me. Just a few months ago, my partner, David, and I became the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy. [ audience applauds as photo appears ] Thank you. And, as you can see, I still haven’t lost the baby weight! Our son’s name is… Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John — which, of course, is short for Zachary Jackson Levon Hakuna Matata Furnish-John. So far, the baby really takes after me — he screams and cries when he doesn’t get his way, and he’s had his ups and downs with the bottle. The baby has had some feeding difficulties: he’s rejecting the breast. and, in that way, he takes after BOTH if his fathers!

[ the audience cheers ]

David and I had our child through a surrogate. Neither of us can become pregnant, though I promise you… we tried our hardest! Calm down, calm down! Choosing a surrogate mother was a very careful and a much thought-over process for David and myself. We looked at many candidates before finally selecting a woman who we could trust with the gift of life. And, after Latoya Jackson said “No,” we rang our second choice. So we were so thrilled when the baby was born. The doctor told us we had a healthy boy, with ten fingers, then toes, and $400 million! [ the audience applauds ] And that’s not counting royalties, which really add up. Watch this: “And you can tell evvvvvvverybody… this is your song!” [ the audience whoos ] Thank you! That just put him through college!

Many of you may be wondering what I’m like as a parent. I promise you, I’m going to be a normal father. I’m going to change diapers, teach him how to ride a bike, and help him with his homework. The only difference is that, while I’m doing these things, I will look like and be Elton John. For those of you still concerned that we are unusual parents, do not worry! It’s not like we’re the only two people involved in the child’s life. His godmother is Lady Gaga! That’s true, that is not a joke. Lady Gaga is his actual godmother. Which is ironic, because I’ve always said: “Mars ain’t the kind of place to riase your kids!” And Gaga loves Mars. She says Mars has good schools and great discos.

Alright, enough of this! Let’s get the party started. I do lots of stuff with awards shows and charity concerts, and tonight I just want to have fun. So how about we put on a great show. ARE YOU WITH ME?? [ the audience cheers ] COME ON!!! I’m Elton John, and don’t you DARE change the channel! Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 18




















10r: Elton John

Goodnights

Shopkeeper…..Bobby Moynihan
Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III…..Paul Brittain
…..Elton John
Richard Branson…..Bill Hader
Bono…..Andy Samberg
Michael Caine…..Tom Hanks
Ian McKellan…..Taryn Killam
Sir Mix-a-Lot…..Kenan Thompson
Ringo Star…..Fred Armisen

[ open on BBC graphic for “Fancy a Jar, Do You?” ]

[ dissolve to interior, jar shop ]

Shopkeeper: Ohhhh, dear!

Wife: What are you so upset about?

Shopkeeper: We just got a delivery of a hundred jars!

Wife: So what’s the problem?

Shopkeeper: [ holding the jars to his eyes ] No lids!

Wife: Well, ain’t THIS a pickle! [ close-up zoom with audience voiceover ] A PICKLE JAR!!

[ cut to BBC News Special Report graphic ]

Announcer: We interrupt “Fancy a Jar, Do You?”, the most popular show in the history of Britain, for this special report.

[ dissolve to BBC news desk ]

Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III: Good evening. I’m Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III, filling in for Fat Danny. Well, after much debate in the lower house, it’s official: [ reveal graphic ] A dragon is attacking London. Prime Minister David Cameron has alerted the Army, the Navy, as well as taking the unprecedented step of activating the Knights of the Realm. The Knights of the REalm being, of course, British celebrities who have been knighted by the Queen. Said knights are now formulating a plan at the home of Sir Elton John.

[ cut to Elton John’s house ]

Elton John: Knights of the Realm… thank you for coming. As I say your name, make yourself known. Sir Richard Branson.

Richard Branson: I just came from SPAIN!! [ he laughs ]

Elton John: Sir Bono.

[ Bono clears his throat ]

Elton John: Well, uh… Sir Michael Caine.

Michael Caine: Thank you… Elton. It is lovely… to… be… here.

Elton John: You’re welcome.

Michael Caine: In… your… lovely… home.

Elton John: Are you done?

Michael Caine: I… am… not.

Elton John: Moving on — Sir Ian McKellen.

Ian McKellen: [ dressed as Gandolph ] Yooooou shall not passsss!!

Elton John: Awesome. And, of course, Sir Mix-a-Lot.

[ Sir Mix-a-Lot pumps his fist to the camera ]

Elton John: We should start because Sting is on his way, but we all know it takes him a long way to come — I mean, forever to come! [ he chuckles ]

[ a rimshot is heard, revealed to have come from Ringo Starr on drums ]

Elton John: Thank you, Ringo.

Ringo Starr: [ giving two peace signs with his fingers ] You’re welcome. Thank you for having me, even though I’m not a knight. And remember: peace and love conquers all.

Michael Caine: Not a bloody DRAGON, RINGO!! COME ON!!!

Elton John: We need a plan to stop this dragon. Any suggestions?

Michael Caine: Whenever I’m… in a row… with a mate… I take him down to the pub… have a few drinks… a few laughs… and that’s what we should do… with this dragon. [ Elton checks his watch, as the others roll their eyes ] I think you’ll find… we’ll lose an enemy… but… gain… a… [ lingering silence ]

Elton John: Friend?

Michael Caine: I’m not done. [ continues ] A… friend.

Elton John: I don’t think that will work, Sir Michael.

Richard Branson: [ with jet pack on ] I say we fire up our jet packs, fly up there and stab that bastard in the nose! Who’s with me?!

[ Branson rushes out of the room, as an explosion is seen and his body drops outside the window a short moment later ]

Elton John: Well… he’s dead.

[ Branson re-enters from the opposite side of the room ]

Richard Branson: Fortunately, I took the precaution of cloning myself earleir today! Hello, everyone! [ he takes his seat ]

Elton John: Focus, focus. Anyone have a worthwhile idea?

[ a dragon’s growl is heard ]

Bono: I want to send a message to everyone in this room. When artists put their souls together, they can accomplish anything.

Elton John: Except a Spider-Man musical!

[ Ringo fires up a rimshot ]

Elton John: [ singing ] “Can you smell a bomb toniiiiight?” “The Lion King”! Still in theatres!

[ the others voice their aggravation ]

Ringo Starr: [ making peace signs with his fingers ] I like the Muppets!

[ a dragon’s growl is heard ]

Ian McKellen: [ standing ] Listen! I have fought a dragon! I did not ASK for the challenge! But I faced it alone! We must rise and come together!!

Michael Caine: Ian… Did you steal… that costume?

Ian McKellen: No. The costume lady… GAVE IT TO MEEEEEEE!!!

Ringo Starr: [ holding a scroll ] I have an idea, mates! I was just reading in these ancient scrolls, that a dragon’s scales are weakest at his heart. If we can get a saw long enough —

Michael Caine: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! You’re not a BLOODY KNIGHT!!!

All: SHUT UP, RINGO!!!

Elton John: Wait, wait, wait! Shh! Shh! Shh! I haven’t heard the dragon for a while.

Richard Branson: Let’s check the news, right there on the telly, everyone!

[ Elton clicks the TV onto the BBC News special report ]

Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III: — the fire-breathing dragon that terrorized our city, has been killed! The deadly beast was vanquished by pop star Sting, who — [ checking the wire report ] I’m putting this as delicately as I can — “jizzed” all over it… [ he shakes his head ] until it died. Huh? We now return to “Fancy a Jar, Do You?”, where [ laughing ] oh, dear! Dierdre has just broken a large jar! Where do they get their ideas?

[ cut to “Fancy a Jar, Do You?” graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>






Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 9th, 2011

Helen Mirren

Foo Fighters

None

None

None

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) announces that everyone in America is unhappy that the government shutdown was averted.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Montage

Helen Mirren’s MonologueSummary: To acknowledge that she’s nothing like the Queen she played on film, Helen Mirren and back-up sailors sing “There is Nothing Like a Dame”.

Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the StarSummary: Mort Mort Feingold (Andy Samberg) examines his celebrity clients’ taxes.

Recurring Characters: Mort Mort Feingold, James Franco, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Ricky Martin, Will Smith, Johnny Depp, Muammer Gaddafi.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: After touching “Helen Mirren’s Titties”, Nasim Pedrad’s eyes are opened to the natural beauties of the world.

Fox & FriendsSummary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements that have to be researched by their fact-checker (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Hank Williams, Jr., Lou.

Transcript

Mary ShelleySummary: Mary Shelley (Helen Mirren) insists to her party guests that her novel “Frankenstein” is not based on her monster-like landlord Frank Stein (Fred Armisen) and his idiot son Igor (Paul Brittain).

Transcript

Foo Fighters perform “Rope”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on the near-government shutdown. Flight attendant Shelly Elaine (Kristen Wiig) describes a harrowing near-crash. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Jean K. Jean.

The Best of Both WorldsSummary: Hugh Jackman (Andy Samberg) interviews fellow actors who tackle film roles that reveal two different sides of their personas.

Recurring Characters: Hugh Jackman, Ice Cube, Julie Andrews, Richie.

Crunk-Ass Easter FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Easter rock festival that features DJ Stank Skunk (Helen Mirren) at the Dunk Tank.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan, MC George Castanza.

Transcript

The RooseveltsSummary: The Reelz Channel presents an historically inaccurate mini-series based on the lives of Franklin (Bill Hader) and Elenour Roosevelt (Helen Mirren).

Recurring Characters: Elenour Roosevelt, Adolph Hitler, Marilyn Monroe.

Transcript

Perspectives Photo StudiosSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the trick photography techniques that makes men’s penises look larger for cell phone photo submissions.

Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s Dress Rehearsal.

Transcript

Foo Fighters perform “Walk”

Bongo’s Clown RoomSummary: Strip joint MC Tommy (Jason Sudeikis) announces it’s his final night on the job after winning $9,200 from a lottery scratch-off ticket.

Recurring Characters: MC Tommy.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re Ro IISummary: Trailer for a new British film with more unintelligible dialogue.

Late Night with Tyler PerrySummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) interviews Helen Mirren on his new late night talk show.

PTA MeetingSummary: School teacher (Helen Mirren) discusses her student with his father (Bobby Moynihan).

Queen IsabelleSummary: Christopher Columbus (Fred Armisen) begs Queen Isabelle (Helen Mirren) to lend him a ship so he can discover the new world.

Billy Ocean ConcertSummary: Billy Ocean’s (Jay Pharoah) biggest fan (Helen Mirren) attends his concert, vexing her husband (Jason Sudeikis) with the news that they are old friends.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Crunk-Ass Easter Festival



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19


















10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Crunk-Ass Easter Festival

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad MC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
DJ Stink Skunk…..Helen Mirren

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!

Together: EAS-TERRR!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!

DJ Supersoak: And what better way to celebrate, than with the first-ever Crunk-Ass Easter Festival!

Announcer: Crunk-Ass Easter Festival

[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]

Lil’ Blaster: We’ve got the HOTTEST underground rap and rock!

Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! JESUS! NIGHTMARES!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Buttwand! Sneaky Priest! DJ Vlade Divac! The Black Wiggers! Eagle-Eye Cherry! And a very special acoustic set… by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: Word! And you KNOW we got some Crunk-Ass fun for the LITTLE ninjas!

Lil’ Blaster: Like an Easter egg hunt, for all you dumb-ass kids!

DJ Supersoak: Oh, and this year — the eggs are SCRAMBLED, yo!

Announcer: Grab a handful!!

DJ Supersoak: Crunk-Ass Easter is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity, called…

Announcer: GROSS ASS CRAP FOR ORPHANS!!

MC George Castanza: We gonna send ’em stuff that no one else is sendin’ ’em! Yeah! So bring us your busted-ass Nordic tracks — yeah! — your new and lightly-used condoms — yeah, yeah! — your unactivated Starbucks gift cards, and we’ll give you a free:

Announcer: KICK IN THE DICK!!

Lil’ Blaster: Plus! WE got some fresh-ass special guests!

DJ Supersoak: New York Times crossword guru Will Shortz! The female Gremlin!

Lil’ Blaster: Stand-up comedy from the Menendez Brothers!

DJ Supersoak: And the entire 1993 Mivhigan Basketball Team! Except the best five and the next best five.

Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out team photo ] WE GOT THE WHITE GUYS!!

DJ Supersoak: Word! And, since this is Easter, we FINALLY gonna give a proper burial to our deceased friend Ass Dan!

[ cut to Ass Dan waving his arms ]

Ass Dan: Yeaaaaaaahhhh!! Check the tomb on the third gate, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]

Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be MAD crunkin’, y’all!

DJ Supersoak: See “60 Minutes”, performed LIVE! And, yo, you’d BEST avoid the Noid! Because he’s got a SHOTGUN full of HORSE SHIT!!

Lil’ Blaster: Then say Hello to honorary guests, the Chilean Miners! Before we send them…

Together: BACK!! INTO!! THE MINE!!

Announcer: NO SE GUSTAN!!

[ explosion ]

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: And no DOUBT I’ll be hanging at the Dunk Tank, with DJ Stank Skunk!

[ cut to DJ Stink Skunk ]

DJ Stink Skunk: Ohhhhhhh, yeah, BITCHES!! Five dollars gets you THREE tosses and a chance to dunk this year’s special guest:

Announcer: ELIAN GONZALEZ!!

[ DJ Stink Skunk laughs maniacally ]

DJ Supersoak: WORD!! And make sure you check out our IMAX screening of “Juwanna Mann”!

Lil’ Blaster: Yo! That She’s a He!

DJ Supersoak: Come swim in the toilet from “Slumdog Millionaire”!

Lil’ Blaster: See a live sex show from the Green M&M!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got methed-out coyotes running ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!

Lil’ Blaster: Crunk-Ass Easter! And it all takes place — where else?

Together: THE STREETS!! OF!! LIBYA!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Fox and Friends



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19














10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Fox and Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Sandy Blunt…..Helen Mirren

[ open on FOX graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends” — Coffee, smiles, fear and terror!

[ dissolve to set ]

Steve Doocy: Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. With me, as always, is Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Morning!

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Well, we ALMOST had a government shutdown!

Gretchen Carlson: Ohhhh, that was CLOSE! [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: WOW!

Steve Doocy: Late Friday night, John Boehner rescued a budget plan, which meant NO government workers would be sent home.

Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you who I would send home —

Steve Doocy: Oh, don’t say it, Gretchen…

Gretchen Carlson: No, no, no! President… Obama!

Steve Doocy: Oh, here she goes!

Gretchen Carlson: No! I’m sorry, but he is NOT… a leader. He needs to take… a time-out.

Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we almost had the FIRST government shutdown in the HISTORY of this country!

Gretchen Carlson: Is that — is that true?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I just assumed.

Steve Doocy: Our — well, how about we DON’T assume? Let’s ask our fact checker! Lou?

[ cut to the off-camera area, where a war veteran checks a few sheets of papers, then salutes the anchors ]

Gretchen Carlson: Our fact checker Lou, always keeping us honest! [ she laughs ]

Steve Doocy: So the government ISN’T shut down, but here’s a program I WOULDN’T mind seeing shut down — Michelle Obama’s anti-childhoood obesity task force!

Gretchen Carlson: Ohhhh, thank you! Okay, FIRST of all — when I hear “task force”, I get scared!

Brian Kilmeade: What? Uh-huh!

Steve Doocy: If kids hear there’s a TASK FORCE at school, maybe they stay home SICK!!

Brian Kilmeade: Kids scare easy. I remember when I was in high school, I heard a rumor that our janitor was a serial killer! And I was so scared, I stayed home sick for an entire MONTH! I missed out on a LOT of vocab — [ sadly ] I still don’t know what “eclectic” means.

Steve Doocy: And, also, maybe this is just me — but what’s so wrong with a few FAT KIDS in school?

Gretchen Carlson: THANK YOU for saying that! Okay, I LOVE fatties!! Alright? They’re FUNNY!!

Brian Kilmeade: They are funny, they are so eclectic!

Steve Doocy: Hey, absolutely! Here’s a scary question: When there are NO fat kids, who’s gonna play the comic relief in Disney movies?

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, you know what? I will tell you who!

Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!

Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Be careful, Gretchen!

Gretchen Carlson: No, no! Mexicans!

Steve Doocy: Look out!

Gretchen Carlson: No, no, no — it’s true! When American kids get too skinny, chubby Mexicans will take American acting jobs! Okay? Just look at the kid on “Modern Family”!

Steve Doocy: Who is great! He’s great!

Gretchen Carlson: But, but maybe soon… it won’t be the eagle on the American flag… it will be the… [ thinking ] What’s a Mexican bird?

Brian Kilmeade: A burrito.

Gretchen Carlson: That’s not a bird.

Brian Kilmeade: Ah — yeah! [ he chuckles ] A chicken burrito!

Steve Doocy: Well! Scary stuff! Joining us now, she’s the President of the Eagle Coalition Fireworks Emporium in Yuma, Arizona. Please welcome… Sandy Blunt!

[ cut to Sandy Blunt, Border War Expert, on satellite ]

Sandy Blunt: Proud to be here. Proud to be an American.

Brian Kilmeade: So what’s new on the border war, Sandy?

Sandy Blunt: Well, you know… we all know about the dangers of anchor babies.

Gretchen Carlson: Anchor babies, of course, being illegal immigrants coming to America, who have their babies on our soil, making them U.S. citizens.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh!

Steve Doocy: SO scary!

Brian Kilmeade: So scary…

Sandy Blunt: Well… now there is a NEW threat on our doorsteps: Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant American women, and taking them to Mexico! Then… when the women give birth… their beautiful babies… will be… I’m sorry! Mexicans!

Brian Kilmeade: [ blinking ] So you’re saying…?

Sandy Blunt: REVERSE ANCHOR BABIES!! Undercover Mexicans in America! You know — known as A-Merx-icans!

Steve Doocy: Aye carumba!

Brian Kilmeade: Wow. Thanks, Sandy. Scary stuff… scary stuff.

Steve Doocy: Now, there’s been a lot of talk aout BIRTH CERTIFICATES recently, so I thought it would be fun, you know, to all bring in OUR birth certificates, just to show how easy it is?

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Yeah!

Steve Doocy: Here’s mine! [ he holds it up ]

Gretchen Carlson: Here’s mine! [ she holds it up ]

Brian Kilmeade: And here’s mine. [ he holds up a Dave and Buster’s gift certificate ]

Steve Doocy: I’m, uh — I’m not sure that’s it, Brian!

Brian Kilmeade: But it has my name on it.

Gretchen Carlson: Uh — it’s from Dave and Buster’s!

Brian Kilmeade: Mmm… but I got it on my birthday, so it counts!

Steve Doocy: Alright, let’s take another quick break. But, first, our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show, and have a few corrections.

[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:

“President Barack Obama’s middle name is not ‘Danger’.

First Lady Michelle Obama was born in Illinois, to human parents.

‘The first trimester’ refers to a stage of pregnancy. It is not a Tom Clancy novel.

Libya is a country in Africa. It is not part of Saudi Arabia.

Singer Rebecca Black’s song ‘Friday’ refers to a day of the week. Not the Chris Tucker movie.

The American flag does not have an eagle on it. Nor is President Ronald Reagan’s picture on it.

Hawaii is part of America. Hawaiians are not of Arabic descent.

Lil Wayne is a popular hip hop artist. He has never toured with Wayne Newton. Nor does Wayne Newton have a dwarf brother.

Apples are not vegetables. They are also not grown in Kenya.

Most scallops are edible and safe when cooked.

‘Jai Lai’ is a sport played in Florida. It is not known if the activity is preferred by Mexican drug cartels.

Bruno Mars is an American pop singer. He lives on Earth. He has never been indicted or convicted of organ trafficking.

Green is a color.

Moamar Quaddaffi is President of the country of Libya. He has never driven a taxi for a living.

Ronald Reagan did not create the lottery. Nor did he invent casual Fridays.

Jane Fonda lives in America. She has never been photographed with Osama Bin Laden.

There is no, nor are there any plans for, a ‘Six Flags Baghdad.’

The Federal Food Stamp program was not created by Karl Marx.”

Egypt has never had a mummy President.

Your sexuality is not determined by your blood type. Nor is it determined by your enthusiasm about the songs of Lionel Ritchie.

It is not possible to catch AIDS by having a beard.

The state of Massachusetts has never mandated that Mohammed be put next to Jesus in Christmas nativity scenes.

The sun is not made of ‘hot gravy’. It is actually made up of several gasses.

Cell phones do not cause Chlamydia.

Filmmaker Michael Moore has never shut down the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas never fought in World War II. Nor was he ever given the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’ There is no such medal as the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’

A baby can only be created by sperm and an egg. A homosexual cannot create a baby using trickery and the Internet.

Americans landed on the moon in 1969. This was part of the NASA space program and not to ‘get away from hippies.’

No one has ever eaten a pizza with their butt.

Former President Bill Clinton had nothing to do with the Rebecca Black video “Friday.'” ]

Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!

[ dissolve to FOX graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19




10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Goodnights

…..Helen Mirren

Helen Mirren: Thanks… to… [ having a Senior moment ] Foo Fighters! The cast, the writers, the grips, the wardrobe, the writing crew! The bodacious Donna! The empathatical Gina! And Mighty Lorne! Good night, all, and thank you lots!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Stars



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19




















10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Stars

Mort Mort Feingold…..Andy Samberg
James Franco…..Paul Brittain
Kourtney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Ricky Martin…..Taran Killam
Will Smith…..Jay Pharoah
Helena Bonham Carter…..Helen Mirren
Tim Burton…..Bill Hader
Johnny Depp…..Paul Brittain
Muammer Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen

[ open on title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold, Celebrity Accountant, doing taxes for the stars!”

Mort Mort Feingold: [ in circle ] That’s me!

[ dissolve to Feingold’s office door ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk swamped with stacks of tax papers ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, James Franco! I see you left “Occupation” blank.

[ reveal a grinning, squinty-eyed James Franco ]

James Franco: Yeah! Well, uh, I didn’t know which JOB to put down! I’m a film maker, I’m a conceptual artist, matador, sniper, cobbler’s apprentice —

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, okay! I’ll put down “Actor”. Any write-offs?

James Franco: I had some, uh, “expenses” from when I hosted the Oscars.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, I guess I’ll just tax those off to your Verizon bill — ’cause you PHONED IT IN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “His rates are fair! IRS beware! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Welcome, Kardashians!

[ reveal posing Kardashian sisters ]

Kardashian Sisters: [ whiny-nasally ] Hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Kim Kardashian: This is taxes!

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay. Any activity in the last fiscal quarter?

Kim Kardashian: Yeah. We gave Khloe her own show.

Mort Mort Feingold: Mmm. Okay, well, we can write that off as “Charity”!

Kourtney Kardashian: [ handing over a sheet of paper ] Here’s our income statement.

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay, let’s see. For letting them film you hang out and walk around on your fun little shows, you made… [ he glasses fly off ] EGG SALAD!! $65 million?! The Kardashians are IN THE BLACK!!

Khloe Kardashian: Ususally, it’s the other way around.

Mort Mort Feingold: [ to the camera ] I walked into THAT one!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s a real catch, gonna save you some scratch! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Ricky Martin! I see you made a lot of money on your memoir.

[ reveal a smiling Ricky Martin ]

Ricky Martin: Yes! In it… I revealed I was a gay man!

Mort Mort Feingold: En, yeah, yeah. What was it called, “Ricky Martin for Dummies”?

Ricky Martin: You know, Mort Mort, a lot of people were surprised to find out I was gay!

Mort Mort Feingold: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s another bombshell: [ to the camera ] I’M JEWISH!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’ll set up your trust fund! He’s got a few bunions! Mort Mort Feingold loves liver and onions!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Welcome, Will Smith!

[ reveal a grunting Will Smith ]

Will Smith: You know I LOVE you, Mort Mort! You are one-foot tall with a two-foot brain! Whoo!

Mort Mort Feingold: Uh-huh. So I see you put down your kids, Jaden and Willow, as your dependents?

Shaun White: Izzay, no — I’m THEIR depedendent! The Smith genes are cranking out their heads! You should get your daughter to be a pop star!

Mort Mort Feingold: Yeah, I’ll try. [ holding up framed photo ] But she looks like THIS!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’s not a cheato! That’s his credo! Mort Mort Feingold is friends with DeVito!”

[ reveal photo of Danny DeVito with an extra-tiny Mort Mort Feingold ]

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Okay! Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton!

Tim Burton: Good evening.

Mort Mort Feingold: It’s ten a.m.!

Helena Bonham Carter: We live in eternal night.

Mort Mort Feingold: Alright, well, I live in Schenectady. So… [ he glances at his paperwork ] Uh, your return looks pretty good.

Helena Bonham Carter: I watch my expenses carefully. hat’s why I keep my eyes open all the time.

Mort Mort Feingold: Yes. I’ve noticed. Do you have your receipts?

Tim Burton: [ passing origami across the desk ] I made them into a dream spider.

Mort Mort Feingold: What am I gonna do with this?! And why is Johnny Depp here?!

Johnny Depp: [ rising ] Uh — my watch got caught in Helena’s hair.

Mort Mort Feingold: Lox and bagels!! What a bunch of WEIRDOS!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “He’ll save you the big bucks! He’s got acid reflux! He’s Mort Mort Feingold, accountant for the stars!”

[ dissolve to Feingold seated behind a desk ]

Mort Mort Feingold: Muammer Gaddafi!

[ reveal a stern-faced Muammer Gaddafi ]

Muammer Gaddafi: Hello, Mort Mort.

Mort Mort Feingold: Get out of my office!! You’re a ruthless dictator, you murdered your own people, and you’re an anti-Semite!

Muammer Gaddafi: I have an IMMENSE oil fortune. I can give you a commission of TEN per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: NO! I don’t want your filthy blood money!

Muammer Gaddafi: [ without blinking ] Eleven per cent.

Mort Mort Feingold: [ holds his breath for a few beats, then: ] I’ll think about it!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Mort Mort Feingold!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: Perspectives Photo Studios



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19






















10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

Perspectives Photo Studios

Rhonda…..Kristen Wiig
Friend…..Nasim Pedrad
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Customer…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Paul Brittain
Model…..Bobby Moynihan
Curt Ponzovski…..Bill Hader
…..Seth Meyers

[ open on two women at lunch, as Rhonda frowns at her cell phone ]

Friend: Rhonda, what’s the matter?

Rhonda: Remember that guy I met at the bar last week?

Friend: Yeah.

Rhonda: Well, he just sent me a picture of his penis… it’s disappointing.

Friend: [ looking ] That’s it? Pass the magnifying glass.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you send someone a picture of your penis, you want it to look as impressive as possible. And now it can, thanks to Perspectives Photo Studios!

[ cut to clip of Spokesman taking cell phone photos of a customer’s pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: At Perspectives, we use a series of cutting-edge photographic techniques to give your male member the perfect close-up.

[ Spokesman and Customer look over the photos that were taken ]

Customer: That’s the one! That’s great!

Spokesman: Right there. That’s good.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: First, we ENHANCE the size of your penis, by putting it next to smaller objects like this “regular” sized banana.

[ close-up of miniature banana next to Spokesman’s finger ]

[ full shot of Spokesman holding up the banana and giving a mischievious wink ]

[ reveal clips from a photo shoot using the tiny banana technique ]

Spokesman: You got a weird, skinny one? Well, it might not look as skinny next to this… [ holds up tiny object ] soda can! Cheers to that!

[ return to Rhonda’s friend looking at cell phone photo ]

Friend: Oh, my God, is that the Statue of Liberty? [ she holds out the cell phone ]

Rhonda: Welcome to America!

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Then, we employ other techniques. Such as: Clever Angles.

[ show on ground looking up ]

Spokesman: Temperature Control.

[ Spokesman holds hair dryer to customer’s genitals ]

Spokesman: Partial Arousal.

[ Spokesman tickles customer with a long feather ]

Customer: Single man operation?

Spokesman: Yeah, it’s just me… I-I have a gal that works the desk, but that’s more just eye candy.

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Puppet Legs.

[ Spokesman takes pixellated photo of customer with fake puppet legs dangling from the sides of his genitals ]

Spokesman: And, of course, if all else fails, there’s always… Using Another Dude’s Wang.

[ Model steps in to offer his genitals for Customer #2’s photo ]

Model: BOOM!!

Spokesman: We also do Action Shots.

[ Customer #2 performs a jump-kick and a jumping jack as his photo is taken ]

Spokesman: Group Shots.

[ Customer poses next to woman and children with his genitals exposed ]

Spokesman: And some fun Candid Shots, to show you have a sense of humor!

[ Customer holds a pair of Groucho glasses above his pixellated genitals ]

Spokesman: Still not convinced? Well, just ask these creeps:

[ cut to Curt Ponzovski, “The Ponz” ]

Curt Ponzovski: I met this girl, and we’d already been on zero dates, so I decided to send her a picture of my penis. At Perspectives, they put a golf pencil next to it, so it looked WAY bigger! [ he laughs sadistically ] You could tell the police were impressed!

[ cut to Seth Meyers, “America’s Comedian” ]

Seth Meyers: Hi! I’m the real Seth Meyers. You know, when I’m not laying down the laughs on “Weekend Update”, I’m shootin’ off pics of my peen to every lady in my phone book. [ he turns sideways as a photo is snapped ] You’re welcome, Martha Stewart.

[ cut to Spokesman in office, surrounded by framed pixellated photos ]

Spokesman: Come down to Perspectives Photo Studios today!

[ cut to final jump-pose by Customer, with logo ]

Jingle: “Perspectives Photo Studios.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Helen Mirren: 04/09/11: The Roosevelts



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 19
















10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

The Roosevelts

Franklin Roosevelt…..Bill Hader
Elenour Roosevelt…..Helen Mirren
Joel Surnow…..Fred Armisen
Adolph Hitler…..Taran Killam
Aide…..Bobby Moynihan
Marilyn Monroe…..Abby Elliott
Wellesley Van Aarden…..Paul Brittain
Teddy Roosevelt…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Reelz graphics ]

Announcer: This week, Reelz Channel debuted the acclaimed eight-part movie event, “The Kennedys”, a series critics called “Rife with Historical Inaccuracy”, “Complete Fiction”, and “Sucky”. And next week, we take down another Democratic dynasty with… “The Roosevelts”. Learn ALL of FDR’s dirty secrets:

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt standing next to a wheelchair ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? What is this?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s a wheelchair.

Franklin Roosevelt: What’s it for?

Elenour Roosevelt: It’s going to get you elected President. Now, SIT DOWN and ACT SICK!

Announcer: From the creator of “24” and the producer of “The Kennedys”, Joel Surnow, comes a story SO shocking… it HAS to be true.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt ]

Franklin Roosevelt: Elenour? Who is this man?

Elenour Roosevelt: He’s Adolph Hitler! And he’s going to START the war that’s going to make YOU a hero!

Adolph Hitler: But, Elenour, I TOLD you — all I vant to do is PAINT!

Elenour Roosevelt: You’ll do EXACTLY as I say! [ she slaps Hitler across the face ]

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: You know, did I take liberties? Sure! But it’s TV — you GOTS to! Besides, we had a historian on the set!

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Yes. I was on the set, but mostly as an object of ridicule and derision. Often, the producers would yell, “Hey, History Guy! Think fast!” And then throw a cup of ice at me. I did NOT enjoy my time on this project.

Announcer: Finally… a movie that dares to show you the steamy sexual intrigue of the Roosevelt White House.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour and ]

Aide: Mr. President. There’s a “Norma Jean” here to see you.

Franklin Roosevelt: Send her in!

[ Marilyn Monroe enters ]

Marilyn Monroe: [ singing ] “Happy Birthday to you…”

Franklin Roosevelt: It’s not my birthday!

Elenour Roosevelt: But it is mine!

[ Elenour leans in to french-kiss Marilyn Monroe ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: Even if Elenour Roosevelt was a lesbian, it’s HIGHLY unlikely she’d have an affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was five at the time.

[ cut to Joel Surnow ]

Joel Surnow: When I heard “lesbian”, you KNOW I had to run with it! And, as for Marilyn, I saw pics of the women Elenour was really friends with… poof! You’re welcome!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. 10% Accurate… but 20% Entertaining.

[ cut to Franklin Roosevelt seated next to Elenour ]

Franklin Roosevelt: [ reading a speech ] “Nothing to fear but fear itself…”

Elenour Roosevelt: Now, THAT’S a good line!

Franklin Roosevelt: Speaking of lines, we should do some… cocaine.

[ Elenour smirks, as Teddy Roosevelt enters ]

Teddy Roosevelt: Hello again, family! I have returned!

Together: Teddy Roosevelt!!

Teddy Roosevelt: Yeah!

Elenour Roosevelt: We thought you were dead?

Teddy Roosevelt: Well, that’s what I wanted people to think! So I could be a spy — [ he looks at the camera ] For the Russians! [ he claps his hands and holds them out ]

[ cut to Wellesley Van Aarden, U.S. Hisorian ]

Wellesley Van Aarden: [ shaking his head ] No, I-I-I don’t know why Teddy Roosevelt looked at the camera, or why he was Black! But… it was still better than the scene where Elenour orders the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

[ cut to a naked Elenour Roosevelt on the phone ]

Elenour Roosevelt: Emperor Hirohito? [ seductively ] Tora Tora Tora…!

Announcer: “The Roosevelts”. Only on the Reelz Channel. When evetyone else passes… it shows up on Reelz!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts