SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11: Selection Sunday

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Selection Sunday

Greg Gumbel…..Kenan Thompson
Jim Nantz…..Jason Sudeikis
Tracy Wilson…..Nasim Pedrad
Muammar Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Dick Vitale…..Andy Samberg
Melissa Leo…..Kristen Wiig
Charlie Sheen…..Bill Hader

Announcer: It’s Selection Sunday on CBS!

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Greg Gumbel: Well, it’s March! That means it’s time for March Madness! Hello, I’m Greg Gumbel. And ‘ve been rockin’ this room since 1981!

Jim Nantz: And I’m Jim Nantz. [ whispering ] Golf whisper!

Greg Gumbel: Tonight, we’re unveiling the BRACKETS! Not for March Madness, but for ACTUAL madness!

Jim Nantz: That’s right! It’s the tournament to determine who’s the CRAZIEST person… in the world. We’ve got four regions of craziness, but let’s start with North Africa.

[ reveal bracket ]

Greg Gumbel: In a bracket that is dominated with ruthless dictators, and leading the insanity is Number One seed Muammar Gaddafi.

Jim Nantz: Gadaffi, the heavy favorite so far, is stepping up his game, come tourney time, with a full-scale civil war.

Greg Gumbel: And just LOOK at the guy — it’s like Tony Shalhoub had a baby with E.T.

Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Let’s check in with sideline reporter Tracy Wilson, who’s with Moammar right now.

[ cut to Tracy Wilson interview Gaddafi amid ruins ]

Tracy Wilson: President Gaddafi… first NUmber One seed since 1988. Must feel good!

Muammer Gaddafi: Oh, I’m PUMPED, baby! But this was a TEAM effort. There’s no “I” in “Gadaffi” — depending on the spelling! Sometimes there’s a “Y”… sometimes there’s, like, FIVE “I”s. [ he laughs heartily ] But I’m going ALL THE WAY this year! It’s WIN… or get assassinated! [ he laughs meekly ] BOO-YAH!!

Tracy Wilson: Gotta love that confidence! Back to you guys!

[ return to the sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: Mmm… President Gaddaffi, a fat sleepy baby in a pile of blankets!

Greg Gumbel: [ impressed ] Oh… alright. Let’s move on to the Washington, D.C. madness bracket. We’ve got stiff competition, with Michelle Bachmann going up against Keith Olbermann, in what’s sure to be a battle of creepy eyes versus creepy mouth. And Number One seed Glenn Beck is going up against New York congressman Peter King, who was generating a lot of BUZZ pre-tournament. To help bring it down is the wacky uncle of college basketball — Dick Vitale!

[ cut to Dick Vitale ranting and raving ]

Dick Vitale: It’s a Cinderella story, baby!! Representative Peter King is coming out of nowhere with his radical Islam hearing!! It’s the Salem Witch Trials, baby!! Is he special?! I man, is he special?! IS HE SPECIAL?!! Ohhhhhh, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions, baby!

[ Greg Gumbel chuckles to himself ]

Jim Nantz: You’re the best, Dick!

Dick Vitale: I hope this tournament NEVER ends! Because, when it does, they put me BACK IN THE FREEZERRRRRR!!! DIPSY-DOO DUNK-A-ROO!!

[ return to the sports desk, as Gumbel chuckles to himself ]

Jim Nantz: Hmm… it’s like Stanley Tucci snorted Adderall.

[ the two men shake hands at a joke well done ]

Greg Gumbel: Finally! Let’s look at what might be the MOST competitive bracket of all — the Hollywood division!

Jim Nantz: ALWAYS the most entertaining bracket! And it starts with a playing game between aspiring hot mess Melissa Leo, and seasoned disaster Coutney Love. In fact, let’s go LIVE now to an EMPTY Kodak Theater, where Melissa Leo is preparing for the tournament by continuing her Oscar acceptance speech.

[ cut to Melissa Leo holding her Oscar ]

Melissa Leo: [ choking up ] I’m not done! And it’s about the work! And it’s about the craft! And it’s about SELLING MOVIES!! [ she takes a bite off the top of her Oscar statuette and screams ] [ return to sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Oh, boy! I like her chances! The winner will take on heavy favorite Charlie Sheen. But don’t count out the 3-seed — Nick Cage! — who ALWAYS looks like he just witnessed a murder. In the past year, he’s been in “The Sorceror’s Apprentice”, “Season of the Witch”, and “Drive Angry: 3D”. That is just an EPIC run of nonsense.

Greg Gumbel: It sure is! But I still like 2-seed Mel Gibson, seen her in disguise as an undercover Wilfred Brimley. [ reveal file photo ] But there’s no question that Charlie Sheen is the frontrunner here, driving the Crazy TRain at full throttle!

Jim Nantz: The fear with Sheen is: Has he peaked too soon? I mean, he’s done in two weeks what it’s taken Michael Jackson fifteen years to do!

Greg Gumbel: It’d be great to hear Sheen’s thoughts! [ pressing his ear ] Wha… what? Oh, he as a 24/7 webcast!

Jim Nantz: Let’s check in with Charlie Sheen.

[ cut to Charlie Sheen speaking into webcam ]

Charlie Sheen: My point is… I don’t need two-and-a-half trolls. Because Bartholomew and I — [ he holds up a stick figure ] are starting our own show! It’s called “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner”, and it’s gonna be epic — EP-IIIIIC!! [ he holds the stick figure to his ear ] What’s that? I can’t say that, they’ll think I’m crazy. Okay. [ to the camera ] The pyramids were built by the Wayans Brothers.

[ return to the anchors applauding at the sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: Oh, man! That guy’s the best! The best!

Greg Gumbel: That guy is a sloppy bucket of crazy!

Jim Nantz: Mmm-hmm! Let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors — Four Loko and AK-47s. When we return, we’ll break down the Middle East bracket and we’ll hear from four-time champion Kim Jong-Il. But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]> Widgets

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 7th, 2011

Tina Fey

Ella Goulding


Maya Rudolph

Darrell Hammond

Michael Bolton

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone

Osama bin Laden Video WillSummary: In pre-taped footage, Osama bin Laden (Fred Armisen) reads his ironic last will and testament.

Recurring Characters: Osama bin Laden.



Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Expectant mothers Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph perform a duet for their unborn children (Kristen Wiig, Kenan Thompson).

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates DebateSummary: The offputting nature of Sarah Palin (Tina Fey), Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) and other Republican long-shots during an undeclared candidates debate almost assures victory for the Democrats in 2012.

Recurring Characters: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Shepard Smith, Newt Gingrich, Jimmy McMillan, Michele Bachmann.


Below The WavesSummary: In a knock-off of “The Little Mermaid”, a happy musical performance by an underwater princess (Tina Fey) and her sea creature friends is disrupted by the floating dead body of Osama bin Laden.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: The Lonely Island looks forward to laying down a track with Michael Bolton, but the singer is more obsessed with singing about “Jack Sparrow” and “The Pirates of the Carribbean” than a hip-hop club beat.


Ellie Goulding performs “Lights”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) comments on the death of Osama bin Laden, who’s already making an ass of himself in Hell. Muammer Gaddafi’s two best friends from growing up (Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer) try to defend him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. City Correspondent Stefon (Bill Hader) on Mother’s Day tips.

Recurring Characters: The Devil, Stefon.

Birthing SeminarSummary: Parents-to-be endure viewing a supposedly outdated birthing video that proves to be more nauseating than educational.

Bedelia’s SleepoverSummary: Bedelia (Nasim Pedrad invites her mom (Tina Fey) to attend a teenage sleepover with her.

Recurring Characters: Bedelia, Bedelia’s Mother.

Ellie Goulding performs “Your Song”

Pregnant in HeelsSummary: Pregnancy coach Rosie Pope (Abby Elliott) prepares Shoshanna Bunt (Tina Fey) for a glamorous delivery.


Googie Rene’s Slightly Damaged Prom Wear BarnSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells prom dresses and formal wear at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

Hallmark “Mother” CollectionSummary: The perfect greeting card for weirdos with a strong Mother fixation (Paul Brittain).



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Two A-Holes at a Book SigningSummary: The A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) bother Tina Fey during a “Bossypants” book signing.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Ralph the AssistantSummary: Tina Fey struggles to get along with her dumb assistant (Andy Samberg).

Greek Game ShowSummary: Greek contestants can’t lose on their ethinc-based game show.

Late Night with Tyler PerrySummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) interviews Tina Fey on his new late night talk show.

Great Women WritersSummary: A documentation of the great women writers who inspired Tina Fey to follow in their craft, although the announcer concentrates only on making riffs about their bad looks.


MeditationSummary: Ravi (Paul Brittain) tries to lead a meditation class despite constant interruptions from his mother (Nasim Pedrad).

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11: Zach Galifianakis’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Zach Galifianakis’s Monologue

…..Zach Galifianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. Please be quiet! It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. All week, I was thinking to myself: “Don’t screw this up, Fatty.” That was actually a text from my mother.

I’ll never forget what my grandmother said right before she passed away. She said to me right before she passed away, she said to me, she said: “What are you doing?”

My neighbor — I ran into my neighbor, and he said, “Hey, uh, I hear you’re on the TV sometimes. Why don’t you say something about me on the TV?” [ he turns for a close-up ] STOP stealing my tomatoes!

I have a lot of exciting things coming up. Uh, next week, uh — I’ll be at Long John Silver’s. And, in April, I’ll be babysitting my sister’s kids via Skype.

I also have a DVD of my stand-up, and it’s selling like… whatever the opposite of hotcakes is.

I wear a lot of Axe body spray. But I live in a black neighborhood — it’s called Ask body spray. And, if you don’t get that joke… then, you’re not racist.

[ the audience eats it up as he turns to acknowledge a Black musician in the band ]

The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble. Because it’s worth a crapload of points.

This show has a lot of characters in it. I’ve been doing a lot of, uh, characters over the years, and I’d like to showcase a few characters I’ve been working on. This first character is called the Redneck Who Orders Stuff at Convenience Stores Very Masculine-Like, But Cannot Order One of the Products Very Masculinely. Here we go: [ deep-voiced ] “Uh, yeah — can I get some beef jerky… some, uh, Copenhagen… a foot-long corn dog… and some, uh… [ high-pitched voice ] Skittles!”

This next character is called The Guy From Queens Who’s Obsessed With Cargo Shorts. Here we go: [ tough-guy accent ] “What are those, cargo shorts?”

This next character — this next character is called… [ he approaches a woman in the audience and leans casually upon her chair ] The Worst Bragger in the World: “So, uh, yeah… I was french-kissing my brother the other night…”

[ he returns to Home Base ]

THank you. Um… the jokes are done. And I want to talk about now, um — there’s a lot of issues going on, and, uh, in the country right now, in the United States, and I think it’s… very important for us a country to look forward to the future. [ he removes his jacket ] Because, uh… there’s always a tomorrow. Music, please.

[ he finishes removing his clothes to reveal a Little Orphan Annie costume, then begins to lip-synch to “Tomorrow” ] [ as he lip-synchs, he tears sheets from an easel to reveal the following series of messages: ] [ “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW” ] [ “I SURE HOPE SO” ] [ “MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN” ] [ “…OR BETWEEN TWO MEN WHO LIKE TO GO ANTIQUING” ] [ “THANKS FOR THE APPLAUSE” ] [ the audience applauds ] [ “I WAS BULLIED AS A TEENAGER” ] [ “BY FIRST GRADERS” ] [ “LOOK AT ME NOW” ] [ HE SKIPS AROUND THE STAGE ] [ “CLAP IF YOU ENDORSE LEGALIZED MARIJUANA” ] [ the audience applauds wildly ] [ “I’M ASHAMED OF THIS AUDIENCE” ] [ “THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE CLAPPING” ] [ “I SMOKE SO MUCH POT SOMETIMES I FORGET TO SMOKE IT” ] [ “IRAN, IRAQ & NORTH IKEA…” ] [ “WHAT TO DO?” ] [ “DUKAKIS 2012” ] [ glitter falls down as the audience cheers ] [ he tears one more sheet from the easel: ] [ “LOOKS LIKE FATTY DID OK” ]

Zach Galifianakis: we’ve got a great show! Hoobastank is here! No? Not again? [ he shrugs ] Jessie J is here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates Debate

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

GOP 2012 Undeclared Candidates Debate

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jimmy McMillan…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Fox News slide ]

Announcer: And now, a special Fox News presentation. Live, at Daniel Webster College in ??, New Hampshire, it’s the 2012 Republican Presidential Undeclared Candidates Debate. With your host… Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]

Shepard Smith: I’m Shepard Smith. My voice is both reassuring and deeply unsettling. [ he smiles maniacally ] Welcome to this week’s second GOP debate. On Thursday, five official Republican candidates squared off in South Carolina. The debate included Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santora — and I’m gonna stop there before I fall asleep! Why don’t we shift from the candidates we don’t know much about, to the candidates we wish we knew less about. Please welcome former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ he nods ] Aw, gee whiz… I’ve been smiling for the last four years, but, I… I haven’t been happy once! [ he chuckles nervously ]

Shepard Smith: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: I love the 90’s!

Shepard Smith: Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Michele Bachmann: [ facing the side of her podium ] It’s a pleasure to be here!

Shepard Smith: Current famous person Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin: It’s just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. And I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won’t twist my words by repeating them verbatim.

Shepard Smith: The Andrew “Dice” Clay of the real estate world — Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: The ratings for tonight’s debate are gonna to be HUGE! As big as last Sunday’s “Apprentice”, where Star Jones got so mad she almost popped a staple! Plus, at the end, we finally killed Osama bin Laden. Osama, boom, you’re fired!

Shepard Smith: Finally, he was uninvited but fought his way through security and refuses to leave. Former New York gubernatorial candidate and current member of the Podium’s Too Damn Expensive Party — Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: Allow me to reintroduce myself! My name is Jimmy McMillan, and I believe, with the help of America’s voters, I can be this nation’s LAST Black president!

Shepard Smith: We begin with Mitt Romney. Mr. Romney, you ran and lost in 2008. What makes you think you have a chance this time?

Mitt Romney: Well, people say a lot of things about Mitt Romney. They say I’m rich and disconnected, they say I’m a dead fish. They say I look like a villain in a Lifetime movie: [ waving his hands ] “Look out, Meredith Baxter-Birney! I’m gonna get you! Aiiiggghhhh!! What am I doing, why won’t they let me talk?” [ he chuckles nervously and shrugs ]

Shepard Smith: Good question! Newt Gingrich. You’re never gonna be president, and I have a feeling you don’t really want to be. Would you like to duck out early?

Newt Gingrich: [ he nods ] Yeah, I’d love to!

[ Gingrich jumps down from his podium and waves goodbye to everyone, even high-fiving Jimmy McMillan on his way out ]

Shepard Smith: Bye, Newt! Michele Bachmann. When MSNBC wants to scare liberals into caring about elections, they have you on as a guest. How can you win over the independent voters?

Michele Bachmann: Shepard, I’m hoping to establish a “Fatal Attraction” situation with America. At first I will come off as intense, and even a little bit sexy. [ she turns to pose seductively, as the camera zooms closer ] Over time the intensity will become overwhelming, and you’ll begin to fear what I will do if you make me angry. A crazy woman untethered can be a dangerous thing. Cars get keyed, boxes of excrement will be found on your doorstep. You’ll decide it’s just safer to marry me so you can keep an eye on me. America? I challenge you to a staring contest. And it begins… now. [ she stares intensely at the camera ]

Shepard Smith: Mark me down as scared AND horny! [ he smiles mischieviously ] Sarah Palin. Many thought you need to bone up on policy in order to be a serious candidate in 2012. Instead, you seem to have done the opposite, focusing on reality television and Twitter. What, if anything, new do you have to offer the American people?

Sarah Palin: Well, first I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric. As for boning up on experience and policy, I’m planning a trip to the Middle East where I will be filming a cameo in “Hangover 3: The Third Hangover”. Those fellows go to a bar, and I’m there! I also recently purchased Rosetta Stone: English. But the important thing for people to know is that I’m going to be running for president every four years for the rest of my life! It’s my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers!

Shepard Smith: Donald Trump. Go!

Donald Trump: [ standing behind a gold podium ] You’re welcome! [ he pauses ] You know there’s a great American movie called “Citizen Kane”. It’s about a man who kicks ass and makes a TON of money! I haven’t seen the ending of this movie but I assume it ends with him happy AND president. I want to be your Citizen TRUMP! And if you criticize me, just remember: You’re rubber and I’m gold, so whatever you say doesn’t matter because I’m gold and you’re losers. [ he turns to Palin ] Except you. Sarah Palin, I like you. [ she cocks her finger at him ] If you want to be my vice-president, all you have to do is sell more chili than NeNe Leakes over the course of a hot summer day in Times Square. To conclude: This is a great time for this nation’s greatest man — ME! “Celebrity Apprentice”, Sundays at 9pm, only on NBC! Bing-bong-boom! You’re fired! I’m hired, as President. You’re fired! “The Apprentice”!

Shepard Smith: Finally, Jimmy McMillan.

Jimmy McMillan: [ standing behind a cardboard podium ] First, I want to address those in the Birther Movement who claim that I was born a billy goat. Your suspicions are confirmed. PART C! I have recently received intelligence that Osama bin Laden is hiding in the ocean! So I will not rest until I find him! [ he holds up a scuba mask ] So this Mother’s Day, vote for ME: The Black Lorax! Noww let this debate… BEGIN!!

Shepard Smith: That concludes tonight’s debate. In closing, I would like to congratulate Barack Obama on his re-election. I’m Shepard Smith, and I’m a silly little catfish! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Zach Galifianakis: 03/12/11: Noodles

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J


Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Daughter #2…..Abby Elliott
Son…..Bobby Moynihan
Dr. Franks…..Bill Hader
Voice of Noodles…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on interior, family room ]

Dad: Uh, Trish, uh, I think we need to tell the kids about the dog.

Mom: You’re right, but let’s be gentle about it. Noodles was part of this family.

Dad: Of course. [ calling ] Hey, gang!

[ the kids come running in and take their seats on the couch ]

Dad: You kids okay? Um… You probably have been wondering where Noodles is.

Daughter #1: Is he having a treat?

Daughter #2: Is he at the dog park?

Son: He’s still alive, I’m sure.

Dad: Kids… sometimes when dogs get a little older… moms and dads… send them away to a nice farm.

Mom: And that’s what we did with Noodles. He’s at a big farm upstate, with lots of dogs to play with. And, hey — remember how Noodles… loved avocadoes?

Kids: Yeah!

Mom: Okay! Well, he’s on this farm, and they’ve got avocadoes growing on every tree!

Son: Oh, wow!

Daughter #2: I’m gonna miss him, but… I’m glad he’s happy.

Daughter #1: [ suspicious ] Wait a minute… you said the farm was upstate?

Mom: Uh, yeah.

Daughter #1: Well… unless New York State has undergone some kind of drastic climate shift, I doubt you’d find avocado trees there. Where’s Noodles?

Son & Daughter #2: Yeah, where’s Noodles?!

Mom: [ whispering ] Honey, try something else.

Dad: Okay, kids… Noodles is in doggie heaven. There’s lots of other dogs there, and… remember how he loved Aunt Rita?

Kids: Yeah?

Dad: Well… [ struggling ] She’s there to give them treats.

Son: Huh. But… why is Aunt Rita in doggie heaven?

Dad: Because God wants you to look like a dog. [ the kids eye him suspiciously ] Let me — let me just start over. Uhhh… [ he takes Mom’s hand and thinks ] Noodles was attacked by a bear.

Mom: [ whispering ] What?

Dad: I’m sorry! I panicked!

Daughter #1: What kind of bear? And it’d better be indignious to New York State!

Dad: [ crying ] It was! It was a panda bear!

Daughter #1: [ sternly ] What happened to Noodles?

Daughter #2: Yeahhh, what happened to Noodles?

Son: What happened to Noodles!

Mom: Noodles was killed by the Latin Kings.

Daughter #1: [ annoyed ] The Latin Kings haven’t been active in this area for YEARS!

Son: Yeah, uh… yeah!

Mom: [ whispering to Dad ] You take it.

Dad: Okay… [ thinking ] Noodles hung himself.

Daughter #1: [ aggravated ] He would NEVER hang himself! He had TOO much to live for!

Dad: He didn’t mean to hang himself, he was just —

Mom: Honey, you CAN’T Tell them!

Dad: The truth… MUST come out.

[ the kids scream for Dad to finally be honest ]


[ the kinds are stunned into silence ]

Dad: It was the ONLY way he could CLIMAX!! He would tighten his collar and LICK himself DRY!! And it went too far!!

Mom: Honey, let me, let me… [ solemn music pots up ] Kids… it’s called autoerotic asphysixation. It’s when a person or dog intensifies the thrill of masturbation by strangling himself. Sometimes they go a little far with the strangling. That’s what happened to Noodles.

Dad: It’s true. We found this dog porn magazine next to him. [ he holds up an issue of Puggs, then gives it a curious glance before putting it back down ] But… hey, even though Noodles died that way, we still do love him. Right?

Kids: Yeah…

[ Dr. Franks enters, carrying Noodles ]

Dr. Franks: Hello. I’m Dr. Franks from the vet’s office. Good news, everyone! We hought Noodles was dead, but he was just… in a coma! Anyway… here he is!

[ Dr. Franks hands Noodles over to the kids, who immediately gush over him ]

Mom: Oh! Kids, go play with Noodles!

Daughter #1: Maybe later…

Son: Yeah, I don’t know if I like him in my lap.

Noodles V/O: Ah, I suspected! I know you know what I’m doing. I know you think I’m a freak.

Dad: Noodles? Please know we would, we would never judge you.

Noodles V/O: Oh, I know! Only God can judge Noodles! You know… this family’s been through a lot today. So why don’t I do a little number to cheer everyone up?

[ music pots up, as Noodles sings “Luck Be a Lady” to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding


…..Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Thanks to Ellie Goulding, Maya Rudolph, Darrell Hammond, Michael Bolton! Jeff Richmond, for the music and for letting me have another kid. And everyone have a great Happy Mother’s Day — be nice to your mother tomorrow!

[ Maya Rudolph laughs snidely ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11


SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11 ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 18

This free script provided by]]> Widgets

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

April 2nd, 2011

Elton John

Elton John


Will Forte

Carmelo Anthony

Tom Hanks

Lorne Michaels

Leon Russell

Jake Gyllenhaal


The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Confirmed bachelor Frances Lynn Mulge (Elton John) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Shirley, Nancy, Dooneese.


Elton John’s MonologueSummary: Elton John depracatingly jokes about his new life as a gay father.


KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis), Greg Stink (Will Forte), and sideline commentator Steve Stink (Tom Hanks) keep the KY jelly sponsorship coming in lieu of focusing on shot put match between Charlotte Ft. Worth (Kristen Wiig) and Carmela St. Knix (Carmelo Anthony).

Recurring Characters: Greg Stink, Pete Twinkle.


Knights of the RealmSummary: Elton John leads a ragtag group of knighted British celebrities in an effort to rid England of a dragon invasion.

Recurring Characters: Richard Branson, Michael Caine, Bono, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Ringo Starr.


An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader kidnap Wilson the volleyball in order to secure Tom Hanks’ sponsorship for “Laser Cats: The Musical”, in which the boys utilize a shrink ray to defeat the evil Droz (Elton John).

Elton John and Leon Russell perform “Hey Ahab”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Muammer Kaddafi (Fred Armisen). Zookeeper Barry Lewis (Kenan Thompson). Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Muammer Kaddafi, Nicolas Cage.

Royal EngagementSummary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) try to coerce Elton John into performing their musical selections at Prince William’s (Andy Samberg) upcoming wedding.

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, Prince William.

The Silver ScreenSummary: Gay classic film buffs (Taran Killam, Elton John) bicker while interviewing Vanessa Hudgens (Nasim Pedrad).

The Old WestSummary: Gay cowboy (Elton John) only has eyes for a fellow cowboy (Jason Sudeikis), but fails to reciprocate interest.

Elton John and Leon Russell performs “Monkey Suit”


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Club FunSummary: Former bad locations are now being promoted as fun vacation hot spots.

Space VoyageSummary: Space captain (Jason Sudeikis) is unable to defend against enemy attack because he’s busy squabbling with his wife (Abby Elliott) over a misunderstanding.

Perspectives Photo StudiosSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the trick photography techniques that makes men’s penises look larger for cell phone photo submissions.

Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Helen Mirren.

Fox & FriendsSummary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements that have to be researched by their fact-checker (Fred Armisen).

Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Helen Mirren.

Kohl’s Dressing RoomSummary: Two women (Vanessa Bayer, Elton John) try on different clothes in order to please their boyfriends (Paul Brittain, Jason Sudeikis).

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Hallmark “Mother” Collection

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Hallmark “Mother” Collection

Man…..Paul Brittain

[ open on Man addressing a Mother’s Day card at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: It’s Mother’s Day. And there’s no better way to express your feelings than Hallmark.

[ the man places the card in front of a vase of roses on the kitchen counter ]

Announcer: Because every mother is special — but your mother is most special of all.

[ Mother enters the kitchen and picks up the card addressed to her ]

Announcer: Because it’s you… in a dress.

[ reveal man dressed as his mother and smiling ]

Announcer: Introducing… the Hallmark “Mother” Collection. For weirdos. Because you’re not just a good son… you’re also a wonderful mother.

[ “Mother” hugs the homemade card, then places it on the refrigerator next to a lock of hair ]

Announcer: So show yourself you care. Because your mother will never leave you as long as you keep dressing like her… and talking like her… and being a good boy.

Because you’re crazy — about Mother.

The Hallmark “Mother” Collection. Available this Mother’s Day.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11: KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 18

10r: Elton John

KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Charlotte Ft. Worth…..Kristen Wiig
Carmela St. Knix…..Carmelo Anthony
Steve Stink…..Tom Hanks

[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic.

Pete Twinkle V/O: If you LOVE Track & Field, but hate the running and jumping parts — you’re in the right place! It’s the KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship!

[ cut to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]

Pete Twinkle: Good morning! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, man is this guy a FANTASTIC dogsitter — it’s Greg Stink! How you doing, Greg?

Greg Stink: [ nasally ] I’m great, Pete! I recently broke my chin-up record, and today I JUST got pre-approved for a Mastercard!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Sounds like you’re living the dream, buddy!

Greg Stink: Ho ho, I sure am!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright! Well, why don’t we meet tonight’s players? Up first, we got crafty veteran Charlotte Fort. Worth!

[ reveal Charlotte stretching her arm ]

Pete Twinkle: There she is. Now, it looks like she’s stretching out that shoulder. Now, she tore her rotator cuff last month. How long does it take for something like that to heal?

Greg Stink: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah! How long DOES it take for something like that to heal!

Pete Twinkle: No, no, Greg — I was asking you.

Greg Stink: Ho, ho! you’re asking me?!

Pete Twinkle: Yeah! Any questions I ask are coming right at you, buddy!

Greg Stink: And any questions I ask are coming right back at you!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] That’s a deal! Alright, well, Ft. Worth will be going up against the heavy favorite — Carmela St. Knix!

[ reveal Carmela combing her hair ]

Pete Twinkle: Aw, look at this! My, oh my! What a body! She used to live in Denver, and what an athlete she is! An amazing physical specimen, she stands 6’8″ tall — Greg, does her height give her any kind of an advantage?

Greg Stink: Oh… well, sure! If she’s trying to find someone in a crowd…

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.

Greg Stink: Or if she’s at a movie sitting behind someone wearing an Abraham Lincoln hat.

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, buddy! No, I’m sorry about that. No — I’m asking if her height’s an advantage in the SHOT PUT!

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] And what is a shot put?

Pete Twinkle: Oh, boy! Greg Stink. You gotta love this guy! Hey, you know what else you gotta love? Our sponsor! KY Jelly! “No foreplay today? Hey, that’s okay! KY Jelly!” Now, Greg, in terms of distance… what’s the goal here for these ladies?

Greg Stink: Well, if the average man is around five inches, then, for a maximum pleasure, you’re just gonna want to put it all the way in!

Pete Twinkle: No, no! No, no, no, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg! Buddy! No, no, that’s MY fault, fella! no, I wasn’t asking about the distance goal using a FINE product like KY Jelly! I was asking about how far they would like to throw the shot.

Greg Stink: Well, 49… 70…

Pete Twinkle: Well, 70 what, buddy?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] Oh, I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay! I’ll tell you what, folks — he’s not always right, but he’s never quite wrong. You know what else isn’t wrong? Using KY Jelly! “Protect her from your girth, with the greatest lube on Earth! KY Jelly!” Alright, it looks like Charlotte is in the circle and ready to trow!

[ Charlotte Ft. Worth throws her shot and screams ]

Pete Twinkle: There it is! Oh, that’s amazing! Look at this! Whoa, what a toss! That looked like about 23 metres and she is trying out a new dance called The Running Man! So impressive, so impressive! Hey, let’s get close to the action and check in with our sideline reporter — Greg, now you KNOW this guy!

Greg Stink: Yeah, it’s my brother Steve!

Pete Twinkle: Alright, well, Steve Stink, thanks for joining us!

[ reveal Steve Stink on the sidelines ]

Steve Stink: Well, Pete, it’s GREAT to be here! Yeah! Yeah! Greg! Hey, Greg! You forgot your lunch at home, but, don’t worry, I brought it for you! [ he holds up a lunch sack ]

Greg Stink: Ho, ho, ho! Thanks, Steve! What’s it looking like down there?

Steve Stink: Well — [ he looks at the sack lunch ] it’s a brown bag and it has your name on it, uh — and I think there’s food inside for you to eat!

Pete Twinkle: No, hold on! Hold on, Steve! I think your brother’s asking what the competition looks like!

Greg Stink: No, actually, I WAS asking about that lunch!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] My mistake! Okay, now, Steve — a 23-metre throw. That’s impressive, right?

Steve Stink: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it sure is! You know, Ft. Worth is off to a great start! She is absoutely in her comfort zone. You know, speaking of comfort zones — “KY Jelly! When you’re seeing sparks, where your penis parks! KY Jelly!” Back to you!

Pete Twinkle: Alright! Thank you, Steve! Thank you very much! Hey, speaking of KY Jelly — “Make a little room for Paco, put some sauce on that taco! [ extended pause ] KY Lubricant Jelly!” Alright, looks like Carmela is stepping into the circle! Let’s check out the action!

[ Carmela St. Knix warms up ]

Pete Twinkle: Alright, she’s just getting a little warmed up there… here it comes. She’s picking out her ball. Looks like she’s getting ready to throw, though — here is comes, any second now. [ she throws her shot ] Oh, boy! Oh, wow, that’s a wild throw!

[ the shot knocks Steve Stink in the head ]

Pete Twinkle: Oh, no! And she is NOT happy! Here comes that St. Knix temper! Oh! She just crushed a shot put with he bare hands!

Greg Stink: Hold on there, I’ve gotta correct you, Pete! She doesn’t have bear hands, she has HUMAN hands! And people don’t really say “bear hands”, the say “paws”.

Pete Twinkle: Alright, duly noted. Duly noted. Hey, Steve! You alright down there?

Steve Stink: No, no, no… I-I’m freaked out… I just heard there was a bear around here… or a human with bear hands. Either way, I’m getting the hell out of here!

[ Steve Stink runs off ]

Pete Twinkle: Alright, okay! Thanks, buddy! Greg, you and your brother sure are two peas in a pod!

Greg Stink: Yeah!

Pete Twinkle: I really, really like the guy.

Greg Stink: Well, we spend a lot of time together. In fact, we just got back form a little trip to Vegas.

Pete Twinkle: Oh, yeah?! Where’d you stay?

Greg Stink: Circus Circus! They’be got the loosest slots!

Pete Twinkle: Hey! speaking of loose slots — KY Jelly! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 05/07/11: Pregnant in Heels

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 36: Episode 20

10t: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

Pregnant in Heels

Announcer…..Seth Meyers
Rosie Pope…..Abby Elliott
Shoshanna Bunt…..Tina Fey
Shoshanna’s husband…..Taran Killam
LT…..Jay Pharoah

[open on BRAVO ident, followed by „Pregant In Heels“ titles and establishing shots of New York and Rosie Pope]

Announcer: This week on BRAVO: it’s an all new „Pregnant in Heels“

[Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: Hi! I’m Rosie Pope – Matehnity Conciehge.

[Exterior and interior shots of Rosie Pope’s shop] [Cut to testimonial]

Rosie Pope: I provide mah pregnant clients with anything they wahnt. No matter how extreme.

[Rosie Pope hands a Martini glass to a pregnant woman, then proceeds to hold a miniature Martini glass under her skirt]

Announcer: And she’s got her work cut out for her with millionaire mummy-to-be: Shoshanna Bunt.

Shoshanna Bunt: I’m the president of ‘Shoshanna Bunt PR’, we are a PR firm that represents other PR firms. I love being pregants [sic]! I’ve already lost 35 pounds.

[She applauds herself with false humility] [Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Announcer: Watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.

Shoshanna’s husband: I’m sorry – what’s wrong with your voice?

Rosie Pope: Well, I was born in England, then moved to America and every morning a thousand bees sting my tahngue.

Announcer: And – lots of demands!

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie, when my baby is born I wanna make sure that the delivery room is, like, total VIP. No randos!

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No uglies.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No fatties.

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

Shoshanna Bunt: No docties – that’s doctors.

Rosie Pope: Whoa.

Shoshanna Bunt: And I wanna have a water birth, but instead of water I want diet coke.

[Sound of record scratching. Rosie Pope and Shoshanna Bunt exchange tense looks.]

Announcer: And! We have this guy!

[Cut to LT in Rosie’s shop, holding up a tiny shirt with „ASS“ printed on it.] [Cut to testimonial]

LT: I am not a person, as I am a collection of choices.

[Cut to interior of Rosie Pope’s shop]

Shoshanna Bunt: I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting!

Rosie Pope: Yah. I’m way ahead of you.

[She holds up a stick with a tiny stylish hat, tiny tie and tiny waistcoat attached to it]

Rosie Pope: Prop your legs up and I’ll get this outfit to the bahbyh.

[Shoshanna does]

Rosie Pope: Don’t worry. It’s just like building a ship in a bottahl.

[Rosie starts aiming the stick at Shoshanna]

Announcer: Plus: we’ll pad the boring moments with signature BRAVO music.

[Cut to Rosie, Shoshanna and husband exchanging looks for a minute, while BRAVO’s signature music plays.]

Announcer: And cuts to a dog!

[Cut to a dog] [Cut back to Shoshanna, back to the dog, back to Rosie Pope]

Rosie Pope: Pahfect.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: Rosie’s the best. She even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound.

[Cut to a picture of Shoshanna’s ultrasound with Kanye West next to the fetus] [Cut to exterior of a hospital]

Announcer: Rosies’s even there on the big day!

[Cut to delivery room. Rosie and LT stand by Shoshanna as she gives birth. Rosie lets out a distressed „Whoooaaa“ as the doctor delivers the baby.]

Doctor: It’s a boy!

Shoshanna Bunt: Don’t cut the cord, I might wanna return it.

[Cut to testimonial]

Shoshanna Bunt: [distracted by her ring] Thanks, Rosie!

Rosie Pope: You’re wahlcome!

LT: I did not help at all!

[Cut to ‘Pregnant In Heels’ titles]

Announcer: ‘Pregnant In Heels’! Only on BRAVO! Right after an all new ‘Loud Old Bitches’ and ‘America’s Next Dumb Gay Guy’!

Submitted by: Bon Nitsch

SNL Transcripts