Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
Goodnights
…..Anna Faris
Anna Faris: Thank you so much to Drake and Nicki Minaj, Lorne Michaels, all the cast and crew at “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you so much!
Category: 2011
SNL Transcripts: Anna Faris: 10/15/11: The Charlie Rose Show
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
The Charlie Rose Show
Charlie Rose…..Bill Hader
Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Arianna Huffington…..Nasim Pedrad
Reed Hastings…..Jason Sudeikis
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen
[ open on “Charlie Rose” graphics ]
Announcer: From our studios in New York City, this is “Charlie Rose”.
[ dissolve to set ]
Charlie Rose: Hello, I’m Charlie Rose. and for those of you curious about our theme music, it’s a spunky pop-jazz number called “Sadona Samba”. Tonight: A tribute to the late Steve Jobs. The legendary founder of Apple died last week at the age of 56. We’ll hear from his admirers in the world of technology and media on what the Steve Jobs legacy means. Joining me tonight: He is the fouder of Facebook.com and a visionary of modern communication — Mark Zuckerberg.
Mark Zuckerberg: [ disheveled ] Look! I dressed up!
Charlie Rose: Very nice. She is the founder and editor of The Huffington Post — Ariana Huffington.
Arianna Huffington: Hello, Charlie. I love what you haven’t done with the place.
Charlie Rose: He is the CEO of the streaming media service Netflix, and the offshoot Quickster — Reed Hastings.
Reed Hastings: Actually, we’re not going to start Quickster any more. We just announced that Netflix and quickster are going to merge into one simple company… called Netflix.
Charlie Rose: Let us know if the company makes any terrible decisions in the next hour.
Reed Hastings: I will! And we will!
Charlie Rose: Finally: Joining us from London, he is the founder and CEO of NewsCorp and the world’s oldest mean girl — Rupert Murdoch.
Rupert Murdoch: I regret nothing!
Charlie Rose: Thank you all. I am pleased to have you back at this table. Welcome. Steve Jobs. How were each of you… influenced… by Steve Jobs?
Mark Zuckerberg: Well, Mr. Jobs taught me that you could bring beauty to the world of technology. He wanted his products to be works of art that were both efficient and elegant.
Charlie Rose: And how do you apply that elegance to Facebook.com?
Mark Zuckerberg: Oh, I don’t! Not at all! I mean, Facebook.com started off a simple user-friendly website… but now it’s just a mess! I mean, it’s covered in ads and invites from local bands, like the bulletin board at an annoying coffee shop.
Charlie Rose: I’d say Facebook has become flooded and confusing, a jambalaya of Farmville updates and vampire requests.
Mark Zuckerberg: Indeed. Steve Jobs once said that people don’t know what they like until you show it to them. So at Facebook, we show them things… and they don’t like them.
Charlie Rose: Now, Arianna Huffington. Wht did you learn from Steve Jobs?
Arianna Huffington: Well, you know, Steve was completely hands-on with every component of apple Computers.
Charlie Rose: And that’s how you run Huffington Post?
Arianna Huffington: No. No! Could you be serious? I’ve been to the Huffington Post, maybe, ten or five times. The last time I went, everyone was like, “Who are you?” And I was like, “I’m your boss.” And they were like, “Could you be serious?” And I was like, “I have to go, this place is disgusting!”
Charlie Rose: Apple Computers stood for one thing: Innovation. Now, what does Huffington Post stand for?
Arianna Huffington: You know, like a million different things: The politics, sports, weddings, Alec Baldwin articles, photos of boobies, health and fitness, complaints from Bill Mahar, food, and more boobies.
Charlie Rose: Reed Hastings. Why aren’t most seasoned CEOs like Steve Job
Reed Hastings: Well, what you have to understand is, it’s a lot easier to not be like Steve Jobs. I mean, he had great ideas, he worked incredibly hard, and he never compromised. He set an annoyingly high standard of integrity.
Mark Zuckerberg: Sure. sure
Arianna Huffington: It’s disgusting!
Charlie Rose: Is it fair to say Netflix hasn’t measured up to that standard?
Reed Hastings: [ laughing heartily ] Are you joking? No! No, we SUCK right now! Uh — I mean, Steve Jobs rejected several models of the iPhone until his designers got it just right. THAT’S integrity. Okay? We — we don’t reject any ideas at Netflix. Alright? If someone suggests something, even as a joke — you know, BOOM! — we do it! Okay? Comparing Apple to Netflix is like comparing apples to oranges — especially if the oranges made so many mistakes that people stopped eating oranges and just went back to Blockbuster.
Charlie Rose: [ spraying his table with Pledge ] Excuse me for a second… [ he wipes ] Alright.
Reed Hastings: That’s a nice scent.
Charlie Rose: [ sniffing ] It is. [ he puts the Pledge away ] Jobs said in his 2005 Stanford address that people can learn a lot from failure. Do you think that’s true?
Reed Hastings: Well, you know… I’m kind of in mid-failure right now, so it’shard to say.
Charlie Rose: So, do you have anything in common with Steve Jobs?
Reed Hastings: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uhh…. I guess we both wore bad jeans. also, uh, Apple Computers started in a garage, and pretty soon Netflix will have to move to a garage. Yeah, in fact, actually, if anyone is renting their garage out, please let us know. We’d prefer one with no cars parked in it. Actually, you know what? We could use the hoods as desks, so, uh, cars are fine. Sorry!
Charlie Rose: Make sure you ask for the first three months up front. Rupert Murdoch! What do you think when you hear the name Steve Jobs?
Rupert Murdoch: Uh, well, Charlie, as I said last week, I think of him as the greatest CEO of our generation.
Charlie Rose: What do you think that you and he have in common?
Rupert Murdoch: [ he laughs heartily ] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Steve Jobs used new media to make the world a better place, and I used OLD media to make it a much, much worse one, frankly. For example: On the day Steve unveiled the iPhone, I launched a new London tabloid called Snooper! It’s just photos of celebrities going to the bathroom. I love it!
Charlie Rose: So you could say that you and Steve Jobs are complete opposites?
Rupert Murdoch: Exactly! Steve Jobs made the iPad; it’s $500 and opens up a world of information. I make the New York Post; it’s fifty cents, and I dare you to find a full sentence in it!
Charlie Rose: Now, Steve Jobs saw the bet in people. You see people as animals.
Rupert Murdoch: Right. I was gonna say slugs, but, uh… animals is alright. [ he laughs ]
Charlie Rose: You recognize that his loss is a great one?
Rupert Murdoch: He changed the world! It’s like Jude Law said last week in a voicemail I hacked into: “today is a sad day.”
Charlie Rose: Well, that’s our show for the evening. Tomorrow on the program: Henry Kissinger and “Brown Bunny” director Vincent Gallo — not in separate interviews, both at the same time. I’m Charlie Rose. Goodbye, Steve Jobs, and thank you.
[ cut to closing graphics, and fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Anna Faris: 10/15/11: What’s Wrong With Tanya?!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
What’s Wrong With Tanya?!
Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Mary Jo Williams…..Vanessa Bayer
JoBeth Anderson…..Kristen Wiig
Mary Jo Beth Jojo…..Anna Faris
Tanya…..Abby Elliott
Boy Tanya…..Andy Samberg
[ open on Lifetime graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching Lifetime, tlevision for women. White women. And now, from the creators of Lifetime original movies like “What Did Becky See?” and “Where Does Brenda Go At Night?” comes the first ever Lifetime original game show. It’s time to play:
[ dissolve to game show set ]
Audience: “What’s! Wrong! With! Tanya?!”
Announcer: Now here’s your host — Vince Blake!
Vince Blake: Thank you! And welcome to “What’s Wrong With Tanya?!”, the game show where mothers from Lifetime Original Movies try and guess what’s wrong with beautiful daughter Tanya. Let’s meet our contestants. First up, from Pleasant Grove — Mary Jo Williams!
Mary Jo Williams: Hello!
Vince Blake: It says here that you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street.
Mary Jo Williams: Nothing bad could EVER happen to us!
Vince Blake: [ ominously ] Or so it would seem… [ he grins ] Next up, from Pleasant Falls — JoBeth Anderson! It says here that your new husband has a locked drawer in his office that you’re not allowed to open.
JoBeth Anderson: [ she throws up her hands ] It’s none of my business!
Vince Blake: And, finally, from Pleasant Town — Mary Jo Beth Jojo! It says here that you have the perfect life.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Perfect from the outside. [ she sips a glass of Chardonnay ]
Vince Blake: [ chuckling ] Yikes! Okay, let’s, uh, go to the rules. A Lifetime Movie Tanya will walk out, and you’ll have fifty seconds to guess… what’s wrong with her.
JoBeth Anderson: [ distraught ] There’s NOTHING wrong with her!
Vince Blake: Yes… yes, there is. Alright, let’sb ring out our first Tanya!
[ Tanya walks out and hangs her head low ]
Vince Blake: Alright. Mothers! What is wrong… with Tanya?
[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Beth Jojo finally buzzes in ]
Vince Blake: Mary Jo Beth Jojo!
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! You’ve been gonig to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets!
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: That’s right! That’s right! She goes to those parties, which are a real thing! Good work, Mary Jo! You won a Volvo filled with groceries! Let’s bring out our next Tanya!
[ Boy Tanya walks out ]
JoBeth Anderson: But it CAN’T happen to a boy!
Vince Blake: So you thought! Alright, Mothers, what’s wrong with Boy Tanya?
[ the three ladies chant “Tanya! Tanya! Tanya!”, until Mary Jo Williams finally buzzes in ]
Vince Blake: Mary Jo Williams!
Mary Jo Williams: Tanya! You’re a secret stripper!
[ buzz! ]
Vince Blake: No!
[ JoBeth Anderson buzzes in ]
JoBeth Anderson: Tanya! You’re pregnant!
[ buzz! ]
Vince Blake: What?! No! Come on!
[ Mary Jo Beth Jojo buzzes in ]
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Tanya! Your English teacher caught you cheating, so he made you take naked pictures, and now they’re online and it’s giving you an eating disorder, and, also, you can’t read!
[ Boy Tanya begins to cry ]
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Alright, Mary Jo Beth Jojo! You’re in the lead with five fleece panchos for jogging! So you move to our Lightning Round. Jobeth, Mary Jo… you may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves.
[ Mary Jo Williams and JoBeth Anderson each grab a rake, as Mary Jo Beth Jojo joins Vince at the center of the stage ]
Vince Blake: [ grabbing Mary Jo Beth Jojo’s arm ] Let’s get you on your mark here…
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh! You’re hurting my arm!
Vince Blake: [ yelling in her face ] WHO’S GONNA LEAVE YOU?! [ he regains his composure ] Now, in this round, I’ll say something Tanya’s doing… you either say “Yes” or scream “No!” Let’s get twenty seconds on the clock. [ he begins, as soft piano music plays ] Tanya’s back on the ssim team.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: [ petrified ] Yes.
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: The girls at school are saying Tanya’s easy.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Tanya has bruises on her shoulder.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: TANYA!!
Vince Blake: Judges?
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Tanya had a baby at Prom.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Noooo!!
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: She named the baby “Tanya”.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Yes.
[ ding! ]
Vince Blake: Congrats, Mary Jo Beth Jojo — you win EVERYTHING a woman could ever want.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: But… whatever happened to Tanya?
Vince Blake: She died.
Mary Jo Beth Jojo: Oh. Well… thanks for having me!
Vince Blake: You’re not going anywhere. You’ll never leave me. [ a scary beat ] That’s our show! Stay tuend for the Lifetime Original Comedy… “Weekend at Meredith Baxter-Birney’s”! Bye!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Anna Faris: 10/15/11: Tell Him
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 4
Tell Him
Waiter…..Andy Samberg
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Anna…..Anna Faris
Abby…..Abby Elliott
Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, Sip ‘N Soda malt shop ]
[ dissolve to interior, five girls seated at table ]
Waiter: Four root beer floats! Enjoy, ladies.
[ he walks away, as four of the girls enjoy their floats as Kendra just sits there ]
Anna: Hey… what’s the matter, Kendra?
Kristen: Yeah, Kendra — you LOVE root beer floats!
Kendra: Oh, you know… just boy drama.
Nasim: what happened?
Kendra: Well… there’s this guy. And, well… we’ve been texting and, well… I’m really into him and, well… I can’t tell if he’s into ,i>me or not!
Abby: Well… have you talked to him yet?
Kendra: I would, but… I don’t know what to say!
Kristen: Alright, Kendra — listen up.
[ Kristen signals to Nasim, who nods and presses the jukebox ]
[ the four girls stand, as The Exciters’ “Tell Him” starts to play ]
Kristen: [ singing]
“I know, something about love!
You gotta want him bad!
If the guy’s got into your blood
Go out and get him…
If you want him to be
The very part of you
That makes you want to breathe
Is the thing to do:”
Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you’re never gonna leave him
Tell him, that, you’re always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!”
Kendra: But, guys! I DID tell him that — on our FIRST date! I told him I would NEVER leave him, and that I would ALWAYS love him! He seemed really weirded out.
Anna: Oh, my God! Yuo can’t say something that itnense on yor first date!
[ the girls pull Kendra from the table and seat her at the center of the room ]
Nasim: Yeah, Kendra! When you first start dating a guy, you have to keep things light and casual. Before you tell him you love him, you have to tell him a lot of other things first.
Girls: [ singing ]Tell him, that, you don’t care if you have kids!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him all lies!”
Kendra: [ confused ] But I LOVE him! Why would I lie to him?
Nasim: She’s not getting it!
Anna: You see, lies are a natural part of the dating process.
Kristen: Especially early on!
Abby: You need to show him that you’re not one of those girls.
Kendra: What do you mean, those girls?
Abby: I mean… girls.[ singing ]
“You need to…”
Girls: [ singing ]
Tell him, that, you play Call of Duty!
Tell him you’re a to-tal nerd and you love reading comics!”
Kendra: [ jumping to her feet ] But I don’t understand! I don’t even know what Call of Duty is! What if he asks me to play it with him?
Nasim: Trust me — he’ll NEVER ask you to play! He just wants you to appreciate all the time he spends playing it!
Kendra: And if guys want to watch sports and sci-fi all day, why don’t they just date each other?
Anna: Increasingly, they do. In fact, pyschologists predict that, eventually, all men will become gay just to watch their favorite shows.
Kristen: But, for now, they still need sex. And when it coems to that, you have to seem fun and up for anything!
Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’re open to a three-way!
Tell him, that, you watch porn every day!
Tell him, that, you’re not grossed out when he says the word panties!”
Waiter: Well, what do you want us to call them?
Girls: “UNDERWEAR!
[ the Waiter throws his arms up in disgust and backs away ]
Kendra: Okay. So early on, I have to lie to him a little, but once we’re dating, then we’re jsut honest with each other, right?
Abby: No. And then you enter a new phase of lies. I call it “Maintaining the Mystery.”[ singing ]
“I know, something about men, they never want to know.
How us, women keep it all up
You have to hide it.
If you want him to stay
Pining after you
Then you have to hide
The things all women do.”
Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’re naturally hairless!
Make him, think, you never use the bathroom!
Then when he’s sleeping, you can run to Star-bucks!”
Kendra: Wait! I can never go to the bathroom?
Girls: NOOOOO!!!
Kristen: Of course not! I went away to Mexico with a guy once. I spent so much time in the lobby bathroom, people started tipping me. One night, after a bigdinner, I had to fake a kindapping just to get a couple hours alone. But it was worth it, because, at the end of the trip, he said I was one of the chillest girls he ever met and that he would call me!
Kendra: Did he?
Kristen: [ she pauses ] It’s been a real crazy work year for him. [ she smiles uneasy ] We’re gonna hang out real soon, though.
Kendra: This all seems like a LOT of deception, jsut to fall in love!
Anna: But here’s the deal — these are just the things we have to say until we actually fallin love. When you meet “The One”, none of this matters! You can finally just be yourself and not worry about playing games or tricking him.
Kristen & Anna: [ singing ]
Then you know it will be, true love from fairy tales
You’ll both be ha-appy, but if he tries to bail…”
Girls: [ singing ]
“Tell him, that, you’repreg-nant and it’s his kid!
Tell him, that, you need to get married!
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right…
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right…
Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now!”
[ the song ends, they pose in place, the camera pulls back and we fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
November 5th, 2011
Charlie Day
Maroon 5
None
Danny DeVito
Travie McCoy
None A Message From the Ghost of Moammar Gaddafi
Summary: Live from Hell, The Ghost of Moammar Gaddafi (Fred Armisen) reports on his recent capture and death and gives a status update.
Recurring Characters: Moammar Gaddafi.
Transcript
Montage
Charlie Day’ Monologue
Summary: Having achieved his dream of hosting “SNL”, Charlie Day plans to relax and take easy, but “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” co-star and frequent “SNL” host, Danny DeVito, tells him he has to really put out and deliver, so Day performs a song about himself.
Transcript
Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce
Summary: E! promises lots of glamour and excitement when it televises the hot divorce proceedings between Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) and CHris Humphies (Andy Samberg).
Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian.
Transcript
The Dr. Oz Show
Summary: Dr. Oz (Bill Hader) embarrasses an audience member Charlie Day) by offering poor medical advice for his dead rectum.
Transcript
Greek Gods
Summary: Zeus (Jason Sudeikis) organizes the other Greek gods so they can put their heads together to help solve the current financial crisis in Greece.
Transcript
It’s Getting Freaky with Cee Lo Green!
Summary: Cee Lo Green (Kenan Thompson), Freakasaurus (Charlie Day) and Colonel Nasty (Bill Hader) help a couple (Andy Samberg, Abby Elliott) put the freaky back into their marriage.
Recurring Characters: Cee Lo Green, Colonel Nasty, The Atlanta Horns.
The Original Kings Of Catchphrase Comedy Volume 2
Summary: A group of hacky comedians are back on tour with even more of their catchphrase-repeating friends.
Recurring Characters: David “Beef Jelly” Winfield, Goran “Funky Boy” Bogdan, Slappy Pappy, Addi “News Flash” Sweeney, Boston Powers, Fur Coat Rhonda.
Maroon 5 performs “Moves Like Jagger”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Rick Perry (Bill Hader) defends allegations that he was drunk while delivering a speech in New Hampshire. Seth Meyers offers “A Closer Look at Europe” in order to explain Greece’s financial crisis. Travel guru Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) counters her nervousness by kidding around while attempting to reveal last-minute travel bargains.
Recurring Characters: Rick Perry, Judy Grimes.
Because of One Dolphin
Summary: On the set of a new family film, an actor (Charlie Day) is frustrated by both his dolphin co-star’s animal trainer (Taran Killam) and a boom mic operator (Kenan Thompson) who thinks he can do a better job with the scene.
Maroon 5 and Travie McCoy perform “Stereo Heart”
Crime Scene
Summary: Detective (Charlie Day) pleads ignorance to officer’s (Jason Sudeikis) pop culture references while attempting to solve a murder.
Transcript
Lil Poundcake
Summary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.
Note: Repeat from 11b
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Herman Cain SingsSummary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) sings songs out of context using his own words.
Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.
Computer StoreSummary: Computer store manager (Charlie Day) hires only ex-prostitutes to move his merchandise.
The Blue Jean CommitteeSummary: Members of the Blue Jean Committee (Fred Armisen, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) are local western Massachusetts boys about to go national, but still wow the crowd at the local bar with their hit “Massachusetts Afternoon”.
Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Jason Segel.
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Crime Scene
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Crime Scene
Police Officer…..Bill Hader
Crime Detective…..Charlie Day
Officer Dan Owens…..Jason Sudeikis
George Costanza…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on stock footage of police cars arriving at a city block ]
[ dissolve to interior, apartment — police and other personel standing around a couch draped with a cloth ]
[ a Police Officer enters the apartment with the Crime Detective ]
Police Officer: This way, Detective. [ he acknowledges a fellow officer ] Officer Dan Owens — he was first on the scene.
Crime Detective: Alright, alright, alright — I want EVERYONE out of this room! Everyone, NOW!!
Police Officer: You heard him! Everyone out, now! Come on, everyone out!
Crime Detective: [ to Officer Dan Owens ] You — stick around!
Police Officer: [ to the last of the group ] Come on! Let’s go!
[ the Police Officer exits the apartment, leaving Officer Dan Owens alone with the Crime Detective ]
Crime Detective: Alright! What do we got here, Owens?
Officer Dan Owens: Uh — well, sir, uh — the victim was a male in his 30’s, multilpe and varied stab wounds… he was found by a neighbor, uh… no forced entry, and no one heard a thing.
Crime Detective: Yeahhhh… it looks like we got ourselves a real crime of PASSION, don’t we?!
Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir… yes, sir, we do. [ he looks around as the Detective thinks ] Hey, doesn’t this place look a lot like the “Seinfeld” apartment! That’s weird, huh?
Crime Detective: [ annoyed ] What the hell are you talking about?!
Officer Dan Owens: I — I’m just saying. You know — the couch here, the kitchen over there. It looks a lot like the — well, Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld”.
Crime Detective: Yeah, yeah… no, no, no, no! What’s “Seinfeld”?
Officer Dan Owens: [ taken aback ] Well, you know — the TV show.
Crime Detective: [ chomping on his cigar ] Uh, sorry, kid — I don’t own a TV.
Officer Dan Owens: Okay. But you’ve seen “Seinfeld”?
Crime Detective: HEY!! I TOLD you!! I don’t own a television!!
Officer Dan Owens: So you’ve NEVER heard of “Seinfeld”?
Crime Detective: Look, kid — I go to museums!! I read books!! I HATE TV!! I walk into a room with a television, I walk right back out!! You get it?!!
Officer Dan Owens: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry, okay?
Crime Detective: Alright. Let’s take a looksie. [ he peeks at the corpse under the cloth ] Oooh, baby! Whoever did that really wanted him dead, huh?
Officer Dan Owens: Uh… yeah. Yeah. [ looking at a collection on the bookshelf ] Oh, man — this guy really loved baseball, huh? Look at all this memorabilia!
Crime Detective: What the hell are you talking about?
Officer Dan Owens: I’m just saying, all this stuff. It’s pretty expensive. This guy must be like a regular Bob Costas, huh?
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, Bob Costas. Right. Um, he’s on TV. He, uh, he knows, like, everything about baseball.
Crime Detective: Yeah, I know. Baseball! I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, come on!
Crime Detective: Kid! I don’t have a TV!
Officer Dan Owens: You don’t need a TV to know about BASEBALL!!
Crime Detective: Really?! Well, I must have! Because I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about!!
Officer Dan Owens: Come on! Baseball? It’s a sport! BASE BALL!
Crime Detective: Hey!! Not once has this so-called “BASE BALL” ever helped me solve a crime!! So can we stay on target?!
Officer Dan Owens: Sure.
Crime Detective: Hey, back up! Look at this!
Officer Dan Owens: What?
Crime Detective: Ohhh, it looks like we got a murder weapon right here, huh? [ he leans over and picks up a knife ] Look at that!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, boy, look at that! It looks a bayoney from World War II, right?
Crime Detective: What’s that, another TV show?
Officer Dan Owens: WHAT?! Come on! World War II?!
Crime Detective: Hey, Terd-box! I don’t own a television!!
Officer Dan Owens: You’re telling me you’ve NEVER heard of World War II?!
Crime Detective: BINGO!!
Officer Dan Owens: Come on!! Adolph Hitler?!!
Crime Detective: What’s he, another one of your “Fieldstein” characters?!
Officer Dan Owens: NOOO!!! It’s “SEINFELD”!! And he killed MILLIONS of people!!
Crime Detective: Yeah, well, unless your buddy Hitler killed THIS guy, I suggest we move on!
Officer Dan Owens: Okay, fine! Alright, fine, okay. So no forced entry, no sign of a struggle — maybe the two people knew each other, right?
Crime Detective: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, right! Like a neighbor, right?
Officer Dan Owens: Yeah!
Crime Detective: Like, someone who owns a key, comes over a lot.
Officer Dan Owens: Yeah.
Crime Detective: Let me think, let me think… So he comes in the door, right?
Officer Dan Owens: Yeah. Okay.
Crime Detective: [ he exits the apartment ] And he walsk in like this: [ he opens the door and bursts through like Kramer ]
Officer Dan Owens: OH, COME ON!!
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: YOU’RE DOING KRAMER!!
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: [ laughing ] You’re doing Kramer!!
Crime Detective: I don’t know what you’re talking about! [ he turns around and bugs out like Kramer at the sight of two soup bowls ]
Officer Dan Owens: Oh! Come on!
Crime Detective: There’s two bowls of soup right here!
Officer Dan Owens: So, alright — so?
Crime Detective: So one’s empty… and one’s completely untouched!
Officer Dan Owens: So, what — you think someone didn’t like his soup and killed him over it?
Crime Detective: [ thinking ] What, like some kind of soup Nazi?
Officer Dan Owens: [ outraged ] NO!!
Crime Detective: What?!
Officer Dan Owens: You just referenced a “Seinfeld” episode AND Hitler’s political party that took over HALF of Europe!!
Crime Detective: [ confused ] You’re a what, now?
Officer Dan Owens: [ flabbergasted ] Oh, give me a break!!
Crime Detective: Hey, kid!! I’m trying to solve a CRIME here, alright?! We got NO clues, NO suspects, NO witnesses! LOOK — it’s the bottom of the Ninth, Owens, we need a… a… a GRAND SALM!!
Officer Dan Owens: HEY!! That’s BASEBALL!!
Crime Detective: No, that’s COP TALK!!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, give me a break! This is ridiculous!
[ suddenly, George Costanza emerges from the bedroom, clutching a knife ]
George Costanzae: DIE, JERRY!!
[ George lunges toward Officer Dan Owens, but the Crime Detective punches him down ]
Crime Detective: Look out!!
Officer Dan Owens: Oh, my God…
Crime Detective: Yeah, it looks like we got our perp, huh?
Officer Dan Owens: You saved my life!
Crime Detective: Yeah…
Officer Dan Owens: I can’t beleive it! Thank you! Thank you so much!
Crime Detective: Ah, you know, that’s… that’s something you don’t learn on Tv.
[ the Crime Detective removes a pair of sunglasses from under his voat and puts them on his eyes, as The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” from “CSI: Miami” blares ]
Officer Dan Owens: [ dumbfounded ] What the hell?!
Crime Detective: Well, that’s “CSI: Miami”. I watch “CSI”!
Officer Dan Owens: Okay, I’m out of here, forget it! [ he exits the apartment ]
Crime Detective: I watch it on iTunes!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: The Dr. Oz Show
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
The Dr. Oz Show
Dr. Mehmet Oz…..Bill Hader
Kenny Hayes…..Charlie Day
[ open on “Dr. Oz” graphics ]
[ dissolve to set ]
Dr. Oz: Welcome back! Welcome back to “The Dr. Oz Show”. I want to correct something I said on the last segment about home remedies — I meant to say “Vinegar and water douche”; not “Vinegar and oil.” That would be bad, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, this is the part of the show where the audience gets to ask their medical questions. So who’s got one? Who’s got a question? [ almost every audience member raises their hand, except for one man ] You, sir! You, sir.
Kenny Hayes: Oh. No, I-I-I-I’m good! I’m good!
Dr. Oz: No, come on. Don’t be embarrassed. What’s your name?
Kenny Hayes: Well, it’s Kenny… but I don’t really want to talk about it.
Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, get up. I bet there are people in this audience who are having the same problem as you, and would appreciate your courage. Okay? [ to the audience ] Am I right? Am I right?
[ the audience claps ]
Kenny Hayes: Uh… well, a few years ago, I-I broke my tailbone skiing —
Dr. Oz: Oooooh… there’s a lot of NERVES in your tailbone, everybody — a lot of NERVES. A lot of nerves. Go ahead, Kenny.
Kenny Hayes: Alright, well… I noticed I’ve been having problems with my, uh… [ he coughs ] my evacuations.
Dr. Oz: You’re talking about your BOWEL movements! You’re talking about your bowel movements.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] Yeah.
Dr. Oz: Okay. So you can’t always tell if your train’s going through the station or not, right?
Kenny Hayes: Yeah. Th-th-that’s exactly right…
Dr. Oz: You’re not alone. You’re not alone. Thousands of people share the experience, and there’s actually a name for it — you have what’s commonly called…a “dead rectum”. Okay, let me hear you saiy it, Kenny: “I have a dead rectum.”
Kenny Hayes: “I have a dead rectum.”
Dr. Oz: Okay, okay. Who else in the audience also has a dead rectum? Who else? Who else? [ nobody raises their hand ] Nobody? See, Kenny? Okay, okay. Well, you’re in luck! Okay? I got something I want to show you. Come over here. Come over here.
Kenny Hayes: I’m okay…
Dr. Oz: Audience? Come on!
[ the audience cheers Kenny forward ]
Dr. Oz: Okay — [ he flips a cloth back ] THIS is a healthy human rectum.
Kenny Hayes: No, no…
Dr. Oz: I want to thank a doctor friend of mine in China for hooking me up with so many of these great body parts you see on the show. He knows who he is! [ he winks ] Okay. Okay, now, Kenny — I want you to hold this rectum up to your face.
Kenny Hayes: [ he flinches ] No, I — I really don’t want to do that.
Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, do it! It’s not gonna bite you, buddy. Come on, do it. It’s alright. Okay. To pull up some confusion, here’s what we’re gonna do: I’m gonna pinch this end, and I want you to BLOW into the rectum. Okay? Can we get a close-up of this, please? Can we get a close-up? [ cut to close-up ] Okay, now blow into it, buddy. Come on, it’s not gonna bite you. Get in there. [ Kenny blows into the rectum ] There you go! That’s good. Okay, now that… is a normal rectum. It tightens old fecal matter. And so you’re ready to get rid of it, but, in your case, it just falls right out.
Kenny Hayes: What?! My rectum doesn’t fall right out!
Dr. Oz: In other words… if your rectum is a musical instrument, a healthy one would sound like this: [ he toots his lips like a trumpet ] But yours… sounds like a ship horn: [ he makes a loud noise ] I’m still not sure you’re getting it, Kenny.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, I got it! Okay, let’s move on!
Dr. Oz: No, no, no, no, no! I want to make it real clear. I want you to put this on: [ he puts a hat on Kenny’s head ] This is gonna clear things up. Okay, I’m gonna put this on you. [ he puts a sign labeled “POOP” over Kenny ] Okay? Alright.
Kenny Hayes: Don’t you have, like, you know, graphics you can use for this?
Dr. Oz: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Okay, okay. You’re gonna play the role of your own poop, okay? And over here is your dead rectum. [ he pushes Kenny toward a long pink tube ] Okay, I want you to walk through here — I’m gonna show you something. I want to show you something. Now, walk — go through the end and come through. [ Kenny steps into the tube and walks ] Now watch as the poop goes through the dead rectum… right through there, right into his boxer shorts. Just like that! [ he puts a pair of boxer shorts over Kenny’s head ] Audience — this is what happens to this guy all the time.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, it doesn’t happen all the time!
Dr. Oz: It just happened right, now, didn’t it?
Kenny Hayes: No, it didn’t happen just now!
Dr. Oz: Kenny… I announced it. But there is a medical solution. You go home, get in the shower… [ he babbles nonsense words ]
Kenny Hayes: That was just GIBBERISH!
Dr. Oz: Yeah. everybody, you just watched Kenny Hayes crap himself on live television. I hope your Tivos were set. We’ll be right back.
Kenny Hayes: How do you know my last name?!
[ cut to promo slide: “Well Be Right Back with Kenny “The Poop Man” Hayes” ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: A Message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
A Message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi
Moammer Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: And now a message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi.
[ dissolve to Moammer Gaddafi in an undisclosed location ]
Moammer Gaddafi: I’m baaaaaaack!! [ he laughs ] How’s it going, America? Man! What a crazy couple of weeks, huh? I don’t know if you guys saw this on the news or on one of the thousands of cell phone videos, but, uh… I got murdered pretty bad last week! [ he laughs ] And I know you’re thinking, you know: “Did they really kill him?” Yeah, trust me — THEY DID! I mean, they really tore me a new one — literally.
But, you know I learned a lot from this experience, so I thought that I, Ghost Gaddafi, would offer you, the living, a few pieces of advice.
First: Never dare people to kill you. As strategies go, “I dare you to kill me” is pretty much the WORST one. [ he laughs ]
Second: No matter how confident you are, no matter how long you are in power, never refer to your people as “rats”. That could really come back to haunt you when you’re trapped in a sewer pipe.
Which brings me to my third point: You can never reason with a mob. You know, these guys came up to me screaming: “We’re going to KILL you, Moammer!” And I’m like: “Bros! Come on, bros! We’re all bros here!” But, yeah, these guys were decidely NOT my bros. I don’t know if you saw the Youtube clips, but… Wow-wow-wee-wah! Yeah. The elevator from “The Shining” called — it wants its BLOOD back!
Anyway, as you might have guessed, I’m in Hell now. [ he looks around ] Which, as you can see, looks pretty much like Libya. But, you know, Hell is not that bad, you know? My friends are here — you know, Saddam… Stalin… the band from those FreeCreditReport.com commercials. They do a gig like every night, you know? Plus, you know, in Hell there’s a lot of dead leopards and tigers, so, in terms of wardrobe, I’m doing okay! [ he laughs ] And, you know, I don’t mnid the heat in Hell, because my face was pretty melty to begin with.
So I just want to say Goodbye to all my closest friends. All the western oil companies… my wingman, Senor ?? … and the American government, which, uh, kept giving me chance after chance despite my numerous atrocities against mankind. I’d like to think they saw something good in me, but it could have just been the oil… I don’t know. Either way, I guess it’s true what they say: “If you’re a horrible dictator who tortures his people, you can only get away with it for, like, 42 years.”
And, of course, a final farewell to my beautiful African princess Condaleeza Rice. I think the poem in my journal said it best: “Condi, Condi, Condi… come over to my condo, condo, condo.”
God bless us, everyone, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Goodnights
…..Charlie Day
Charlie Day: Thanks to Maroon 5, Danny DeVito, Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes! I had an AMAZING time, I love this cast and I love this show! Thanks, Lorne Michaels! Good night!
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Greek Gods
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Greek Gods
Zeus…..Jason Sudeikis
Ares…..Taran Killam
Athena…..Nasim Pedrad
Apollo…..Jay Pharoah
Artemis…..Vanessa Bayer
Demeter…..Bobby Moynihan
Poseidon…..Andy Samberg
Hera…..Kristen Wiig
Eros…..Kenan Thompson
Aphrodite…..Abby Elliott
Hermes…..Paul Brittain
Hades…..Bill Hader
Yanni…..Adam Levine
Dionysus…..Charlie Day
Klaus…..Fred Armisen
[ open on rotating headlines: “Greek Economy in Peril”, “Greece: Who Will Save Us Now?”, “Greek Gods To Meet” ]
[ dissolve to slide of Mount Olympus ]
[ dissolve to a meeting of the Greek gods ]
Zeus: Order! Order, order! I, Zeus, King of the Gods, have summoned you all to Mount Olympus because, somehow, the Greek economy has collapsed! [ the other Greek gods express their shock ] I know! No, I know! I was as surprised as you are! I mean, after all, the Greeks are widely known as a hard-working, industrious people — you know, a people willing to labor week in and week out, three days a week, one hour a day until the age of 45. But today, we Gods must come to their aid. So, quick — let us hear from the Greek God of Finance! [ the other gods look around ] Wait… there is a Greek God of Finance, right? There has to be! Surely, someone has been looking after the economy all these years! Ares! Isn’t Finance part of your sphere?
Ares: No! I, Ares, am the God of War, Violence, and Bloodlust!
Zeus: [ dumbstruck ] All three? Wow! Great range! Athena — what about you?
Athena: I am also War.
Zeus: Okay… hold on. So, basically, we have two gods of War, huh?
Athena: I’m also god of Wisdom.
Zeus: Okay, great! Perfect! Okay, then, give us your wisdom.
Athena: We could go to war.
[ the other gods cheer ]
Zeus: No! No! Easy, you animals! We’re not going to war! We can figure this out! Apollo! Apollo — don’t you dabble in Finance?
Apollo: [ wearing dark sunglasses ] Nah, baby… I’m all about the sun!
Zeus: Hmm… Apollo, I keep telling you — you gotta wear sunblock.
Apollo: Man… what are you talking about, baby? [ he lifts his sunglasses to reveal white skin around his eyes ]
Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Artemis — what about you?
Artemis: I am Goddess of the Hunt!
Zeus: Mmm-hmm. So, basically, also War?
Artemis: But I ‘malso Queen of the Animals! And I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m ALSO a VIRGIN!!
Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah! Yeah, no kidding! Alright, okay. [pointing ] And, I’m sorry, who are you again?
Demeter: I am Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, and I am not a virgin. [ he winks ]
Zeus: Uh — what about you, Poseidon, God of the Ocean? Surely, you’ve dealt with sea trade and international commerce — you know. Do you have an economic plan?
Poseidon: Okay, here’s the plan: I turn into a dolphin — hear me out! I have sex with a human woman — hear me out! It’s not consensual — hear me out! [ he pauses ] She’s my daughter.
Zeus: [ laughing ] Oh, man, you dirty dog!
Poseidon: [ laughing ] Ohhhh! You’re gonna bust my balls, Zeus?
Zeus: [ laughing ] You got me! No, man — I turn into animals that have sex with chicks ALL the time! I’m like Tiger Woods, only an actual tiger!
Hera: Ahem! [ she taps her staff ]
Zeus: [ stunned ] Crap! It’s my wife — Hera. [ coolly ] Hey, baby! Hey. I was just, uh, totally being faithful, you know? What’s up?
Hera: [ she sighs ] Have you dealt with the financial crisis yet?
Zeus: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah, we got it. [ an arrow hits him in the chest ] Hey! Eros! cool it, pal!
Eros: [ poty-faced ] Sowwy.
Zeus: Hey, Aphrodite! Keep your son in check!
Aphrodite: Please. He’s your son, too.
Zeus: [ stone-faced, turns to Hera ] Whaaat?! What?! No, she’s kidding! Come on! Come on, she’s the Goddess of Laughs, that one! [ he laughs ]
Hera: Okay, well… you’re not the only one having affairs. I just had sex with a dlophin. [ Poseidon is now stone-faced ] Though, it was disappointing.
Poseidon: Yeah… well… the dolphin told me to tell you… that the ocean was really cold. So… that explains it. Besides…
Zeus: Hmm…
Hera: Also, I need to go to the doctor because I got actual crabs.
Zeus: Oh. Yeah. Okay. [ Hera leaves ] See ya’! [ to the other gods ] Okay, financial solutions! We need ’em, who’s got ’em? Hermes!
Hermes: Yeah, uhhhh, I could send them a message!
Zeus: [ he shakes his head ] You’re the WORST! Yuo really are the worst. You’re TERRIBLE! Hades! God of the Underworld! What have you got?
Hades: We could just kill everyone. I don’t know — I only do ONE thing.
Zeus: Yeah, I know! I know, I know… I don’t even know why I asked. Maybe it’s time for Zoloft, buddy. Alright? Okay, uh, who else? What about the Greek God of music — Yanni?
[ reveal Yanni playing on keyboards as the wind whips through his hair ]
Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Okay, that was helpful. Dionysus! Where’s Dionysus, the god of Festivals and Drunkeness? Is he here?
[ Dionysus runs in ]
Dionysus: Oh! Yeah! Hey! [ laughing ] Oh, man, sorry I’m late! You know — orgy stuff!
Zeus: Mmm-hmm.
Dionysus: Yeah, I had, like, ten orgies!
Zeus: Great.
Dionysus: Demeter knows what I’m talking about!
Demeter: [ laughing ] Shut up!
Dionysus: By the way — Athena? You were great last night.
Athena: [ confused ] Uh — what was last night?
Dionysus: When you turned into a goat! Yeah? [ alarmed ] What, did you not turn into a goat?
Athena: Nope.
Dionysus: So I just banged a regular goat?
Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah!
Dionysus: [ he shrugs it off ] I’ve done worse! [ they laugh ] So what’s up, guys?
Zeus: you know — we’re just trying to find out which god is in charge of Finance.
Dionysus: Uh-oh!
Zeus: Uh-oh?
Hermes: It’s the PARTY God’s fault, Zeus! He’s been overseeing ALL the Greek banks!
Dionysus: Hey, SHUT UP, you little BITCH!
Zeus: Yeah, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH!! By my own beard, is this true?
Dionysus: Well, kinda…
Zeus: Yeah?
Dionysus: You know… I mean, look, I’ve been dealing with the spending part, you know? I’ve got the spending part of the economy — I’ve got that mastered. You know — spending!
Zeus: Right.
Dionysus: What’s the other part?
Zeus: Uh — saving.
Dionysus: Ohhhhh!! [ laughing ] No, I didn’t do that! I didn’t do that part, man!
Zeus: Well, then you leave me no choice. I summon Klaus, the German God of Prudence and Austerity!
Klaus: [ enters, weilding a wooden hammer ] Okay. Listen up — I will lend you zis money, but first you must take some some responsibility and make some serious cutbacks! Ya?
[ the other gods object ]
Zeus: No way! Sorry, Klaus. Now, either you give us the money, or we take ALL of Europe down with us. I mean, we started democracy, we can end it.
Klaus: Okay, fine!
[ the gods cheer ]
[ cut to spinning newspaper, with headline: “Greece Gets Bailout” ]
[ zoom in on sub-headline: “Vows to Spend It Unwisely” ]
[ fade ]