Category: 2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce

Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Kris Jenner…..Kristen Wiig
Chris Humphries…..Andy Samberg
Kortney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Ken Harris…..Charlie Day
Lamar Odom…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on wedding day footage ]

Announcer: They already stole your heart. Now, get ready for the LATEST Kardashian event.

[ cut to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Whoopsees, I got divorced!

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”.

[ dissolve to Kris Jenner ]

Kris Jenner: Can you believe I’m old enough to have a daughter who’s getting divorced? No, you can’t — because my surgeries worked! I know a lot of people think that Kim got married just to earn over $17 million from the wedding, but that’s not true — she also got married for attention. [ she laughs ] What do I have to do for attention? [ a beat ] Kill somebody?

Announcer: Tune in for a storybook ceremony, as Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries [ he yawns ] sign their divorce papers.

[ close-up of Chris signing with an “X” ]

Kim Kardashian: You guys… it’s been really hard. All week, we’ve jsut been crying and crying and posing and crying and getting our anuses bleached.

Kourtney Kardashian: When we get two, the third anus is free.

Khloe Kardashian: I get the free one!

Kris Jenner: [ pops her head up ] I know, right! [ she smiles ] FOUR sisters!

Announcer: Stepdad Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle.

Bruce Jenner: [ through heavily-Botoxed face ] When I heard my Kim was getting married, I was so happy my face was like… [ he gives his best look of surprise ] But when I heard she was getting divorced, it broke my heart… my face was like… [ he gives the same face, unable to cotort it any differently ]

[ dissolve to wedding guests crying, Bruce Jenner doing so with the aid of applied eyedrops ]

Announcer: Be there for the magical moment, when Kim and Chris reach a fair financial settlement.

[ dissolve to Divorce Attorney Ken Harris eating auderbs ]

Ken Harris: I’ve handled, like, over 200 divorces, right? But this is the BEST one I’ve EVER seen! Alright? They gave me this great suit, I got to ride in on a white horse, okay? Unreal! They’ve got scallops wrapped in bacon, the bacon — look at this! — wrapped in hundred-dollar bills!

[ dissolve to footage of the family dancing and having a great time ]

Announcer: Join the Kardashians, as they cope with the pain of divorce ALL NIGHT LONG.

[ show Earth, Wind & Fire playing ]

[ dissolve to Lamar Odom, Khloe’s Husband ]

Lamar Odom: This family is weird! I mean, when they go out to dinner it’s all of them: The mom, the kids, and their grandma — Bruce Jenner. You know. It’s whackin’ fucked up!

Announcer: We may even hear from Chris Humphries…

[ dissolve to Chris Humphries ]

Chris Humphries: [ open-mouthed ] Uhhhhhh —

[ dissolve to family group photo at the divorce ]

[ dissolve to Kim Kardashian ]

Kim Kardashian: Marriages are hard… and it turns out Chris was only half the man I wanted him to be. And by that, I mean he was only half-Black. But things are looking up for me — I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout. Wink!

[ dissolve to the three Kardashian sisters smiling, as Kris Jenenr rises up to include herself ino the group shot ]

Announcer: Don’t miss the Kardashian Family Divorce. Followed by all-new episodes of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami”, “Bruce Jenner & Kourtney’s Baby Take Reno”, “Brody Jenner, Khloe & Kris Take Vitamins”, and the one-hour teleision special “Lamar’s Penis Revealed”.

[ dissolve to Bruce Jenner ]

Bruce Jenner: [ with no facial movement ] Only on E!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 5

11e: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

Charlie Day’s Monologue

…..Charlie Day
…..Danny DeVito

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlie Day!

Charlie Day: Thank you, guys! Thank you! Thank you very much! [ he bows ] Thank you! Okay, okay, okay, okay, alright! Now… my name is Charlei Day. [ the audoence cheers wildly ] I knoqw that Don Pardo jsut said it, but I think it’s important to confirm… that I’m actually hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is happening! It’s happening.

Alright, let’s get to the facts. Alright. I was born here in New York City. I lvied here until I was two years old — it’s true. I have a very vivid memory of what the city was like back then in the 70’s, though. BeCause, in the 70’s, New York was crazy. People were HUGE! They were GIANTS! Right? You’d come up to their knees. And I remember all the street signs, they were written in gibberish! Oh, and also — if you walked out of your building, and you walked down to the park… there was a big, scary dog that would bark at you. It was a crazy city, a crazy place. I like it a lot better now.

Okay, a couple of reasons why it’s a good time for me: Uh, my show, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! It’s in its SEVENTH season! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! And my beautiful wife and I are about to have our first baby. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I know, right — SEVEN seasons! It’s so cool. Really cool stuff. It just kind of hit me the other day, you know?

Anyway, I know a lot of hosts come out here, they’re nervous… but, like, it’s such a good time for me, that I’m relly relaxed. You know? So I figured I’d just relax and enjoy the moment…

[ suddenly, Danny DeVito runs up on stage, to thunderous applause ]

Danny DeVito: No, no, Charlie, look, you can’t — I just heard you say you’re going to relax?

Charlie Day: I am.

Danny DeVito: You can’t relax!

Charlie Day: Yes, I can! I have done a lot to get here! I’m just gonna kick back and enjoy it, you know, savor it.

Danny DeVito: Well, who do you think you are — Justin Timberlake?

Charlie Day: What?

Danny DeVito: I mean, come on! Guys like us, we gotta really PUT OUT, baby!

Charlie Day: What?!

Danny DeVito: We gotta WORK, baby! We gotta —

Charlie Day: What do you mean, “Guys like us”? What are you getting at?

Danny DeVito: Well, you know — we’re not “pretty boys”!

Charlie Day: Hey, man — don’t say that about yourself.

Danny DeVito: I said “we’re” not “pretty boys”.

Charlie Day: Well, don’t lump ME in with YOU!

Danny DeVito: What do you mean, I’m not lumping? I’m lumping! I mean, you know, if you had a body like Scarlett Yohannsen —

Charlie Day: “Johannsen”.

Danny DeVito: Johannsen, I’m sorry! Okay! If you had a body like her…

Charlie Day: Okay.

Danny DeVito: I mean, you could just COAST a little bit. But you gotta PUT OUT! Look — this is your first time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

Charlie Day: Yeah! It’s a big deal to me!

Danny DeVito: You’re a virgin, man!

Charlie Day: Look! You come in here, you’re interrupting my monologue –!

Danny DeVito: You gotta PUT OUT for this people! [ to the audience ] Right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] You gotta go DOWN! ON! THAT ROW!

Charlie Day: Yeah! Alright!

Danny DeVito: I know what you’re gonna do!

Charlie Day: What do you want me to do?

Danny DeVito: You gotta play a song for us!

Charlie Day: Play a song?

Danny DeVito: That’s right!

[ the audience cheers wildly, as DeVito pushes Day toward a piano on stage ]

Charlie Day: You know, it’s called a MONOLOGUE because ONE person does it! [ he sits at the piano and puts a harmonica around his neck ] Alright.

[ singing and playing ]
“I believe in who I am
I believe in Charlie Day!
Now I got the spotlight, baby!
So I’d like to say:

You may not know it!
But I’m gonna show it!
I got some tricks up my sleeve!
I play piano — medicore piano
Check it out, if you don’t believe!”

[ he runs his hand across the keys ]

“That’s called a key chain.
Was that impressive?
Well, maybe not, but that’s okay!
I’m feeling alright, because it’s show night
But it’s Charlie Day Day!”

So, hit me! Yeah, hit me!

[ DeVito runs back up again, hugging Day ]

Danny DeVito: You’re the BEST, baby! That’s hosting, baby!

Charlie Day: We’ve got a GREAT show! We got a great show for you tonight!

Danny DeVito: Tell them about the band!

Charlie Day: STOP telling me what to do!

Danny DeVito: Okay!

Charlie Day: Maroon 5 is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 12th, 2011

Emma Stone

Coldplay

None

Andrew Garfield

None

The Republican Presidential DebateSummary: The other Republican presidential nominees take a back seat when Rick Perry (Bill Hader) wastes time trying to remember which three government agencies he’d like to cut.

Recurring Characters: Jon Huntsman, Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry.

Transcript

Montage

Emma Stone’s MonologueSummary: Because Emma Stone is co-starring in the new “Spider-man” movie, Andy Samberg hangs upside-down in a Spider-man costume as a mock repeat of Kirsten Dunst’s monologue from 2002, and is disappointed to learn that the new Spider-man is British actor Andrew Garfield.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and pageant winner Charlene Stumphries (Emma Stone) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elderly reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at the scene of an apartment safety dispute.

Recurring Characters: Herb Welch, Wanda Ramirez, Jack Rizzoli.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Wish It Would Rain”

Coldplay performs “Paradise”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) is outraged when he learns that the situation at Penn State with Jerry Sandusky is more than a simple recruiting scandal. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) and their full-time back-up singer (Chris Martin) promote their new Thanksgiving-themed album.

Recurring Characters: The Devil, Garth & Kat.

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: Juliette (Emma Stone) is off to see the world, but Francois (Taran Killam) initiates a cafe dance-off in order to keep her in France long enough to get her to marry him.

Recurring Characters: Francois, Juliette, Marius, Stewart.

Transcript

Bridal Shower GiftsSummary: Socially-inept Wallis (Emma Stone) desperately tries to fit in at her co-worker’s (Kristen wiig) bridal shower, but keeps making a mess of things by giving overly inappropriate gifts.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall”

Sad SongSummary: After losing a business account, Karen (Nasim Pedrad) wraps herself around Adele’s “Someone Like You” and enjoys a good cry, which quickly forms a chain reaction among her co-workers.

Transcript

We’re Going To Make Technology HumpSummary: Tech geeks Colleen (Emma Stone) and Jacob (Andy Samberg) present videos of digital goods humping one another.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Paterno Press ConferenceSummary: Former Penn State coach Joe Paterno (Jason Sudeikis) holds a press conference to discuss his recent firing.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

The Herman Cain ShowSummary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) hosts a talk show where his guests are only allowed to talk about him.

Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.

Homecoming

Frozen Mexican DinnerSummary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.

FarewellSummary: Silvio Berluscani (Jason Sudeikis) bids his farewell in song after resigning as Italy’s prime minister.

Silent FilmSummary: Nefarious villain (Jason Sudeikis) ties a damsel (Emma Stone) to the train tracks, but circumstances prevent him from seeing his evil deed through.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Bridal Shower Gifts

Bride…..Kristen Wiig
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Maria…..Abby Elliott
Wallis…..Emma Stone
Mom…..Nasim Pedrad
Tony……Fred Armisen
Stripper #1…..Taran Killam
Stripper #2…..Andy Samberg

[ open on bridal shower setting ]

Bride: [ grabbing gift ] Okay, uh… who’s this from?

Kendra: That’s from me. Happy bridal shower! [she laughs ]

Bride: [ opening the gift ] What is this? Kendra! Sexy lingerie?

Kendra: Read the label — it’s edible!

Bride: I hope it doesn’t have carbs! [ ahe laughs ] Okay, I’ll pass it around!

Wallis: [ deep-voiced ] Nobody gives a crap — huh huh!

Maria: [ handing gift over ] Open mine!

Bride: Okay. [ she opens it ] Oh, my gosh! Furry handcuffs? Maria!

Maria: [ laughing ] What? They’re silly!

Bride: Mom, shield your eyes.

Mom: I think you girls might be a little freaky!

[ the girls all laugh at the comment ]

Wallis: [ pointing ] That lady’s old — huh huh huh!

Bride: [ picking up gift ] Um — alright, okay, well, um… this one is, uh, from Wallis. Wallis and I work together.

Wallis: I just want to thank you again for including me, even though we don’t hang out that much at work.

Bride: Oh. Sorry.

Wallis: It’s really nice.

Bride: Let’s see what it is… [ she opens the gift ] It’s, uh… uh… anal lubricant. [ reading ] “Unscented petroleum gel… to ease anal pentra–.” Thank you. Okay.

Kendra: Oh, my God — Wallis! I —

Wallis: [ confused ] Did I do wrong? I thought we were supposed to get sex stuff?

Maria: Wallis, you’re supposed to get funny sex stuff — like cute things!

Wallis: Ohhh, I’m sorry. I never been to a bridal shower before. I was so grateful to be invited, I really don’t want to whiff this.

Bride: Oh! Well, you didn’t know, so… [ she laughs ]

Wallis: You want to pass it around?

Bride: Sure. [ she hands it to Kendra ]

Kendra: Thanks. [ looking at it ] Has this been opened?

Wallis: Mmm-hmm.

Bride: Okay! Uh… um, why don’t I, um, open this other gift from Maria? [ she grabs a gift ] It feels like a DVD! [ she opens it ] “Secrets of the Kama Sutra”? Yuo guys!

Kendra: Maria, you are so bad!

Maria: You guys are gonna thank me later!

Kendra: You are so bad!

Bride: Alright, I’ll get the next one. [ she grabs a gift ] Um — it feels like another video. [ she opens it ] Um — “Twink Summer: Gay Boy toys From All Around the World”.

Wallis: Get it? Huh huh! It’s a SEX movie! It’s like hers! Okay… I think I did wrong again.

Mom: [ confused ] What’s the movie? I don’t understand.

Bride: No, no — it’s nothing, Mom!

Wallis: It’s “Twink Summer”, Ma’am. It’s 90 minutes, 100 twinks… one unforgettable summer!

Bride: Wallis! Wallis… Wallis. [ she holds up her hand ] Okay, are there any other gifts?

Wallis: Nope. [ she grabs a long, skinny gift ] Looks like we’re out of gifts. Let’s move on, no more! [ she throws the gift over the couch ]

Bride: Okay… uh, why don’t we read the bridal quizzes? [ the girls get excited ] Okay, Question 1: “Who is the bride’s celebrity sexception?” Oh, Kenda wrote “Ryan Gosling”…

Kendra: He’s mine!

Bride: Oh, my goodness — you, too!

Wallis: [ nervously ] Okay, okay… looks like we all put Ryan Byling! We should just destroy the quizzes, move on! Okay!

Bride: Oh, my God… who wrote “Michael Vick”?

Wallis: Yeah, who… wrote that? I should explain — I have never taken a bridal quiz before.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Maria: Uh-oh! I think that might be a sexy visitor!

Bride: What did you do?

[ Kendra answers the door, as Tony in chains enters ]

Tony: Is there a Wallis here?

Wallis: Oh, no! Hey — maybe we should psss that lube around again.

Bride: Wallis, who is this?

Wallis: Okay, Chuckas… [ to the girls ] I hired this guy before I understood the tone of the party.

Tony: Okay, uh — Ground rules: My name is Tony. I am a Human Toilet. You can go to the bathroom on me! If you have a dish, I’ll eat it like a dog! But I do not provide the dish.

Wallis: [ embarrassed ] Oh, God… I am so embarrassed, ladies. I thought he provided the dish! I didn’t know…

Mom: Who’s that man?

Bride: No one, no one!

Wallis: He’s a Human Toilet, Mrs. Malone! We can go ot the bathroom on him. He’s kind of like a…

[ suddenly, the real strippers come in ]

Stripper #1: Freeze, ladies! You have the right to see our buns!

Wallis: Ohhhh, CRAP! It’s the PO-PO! [ she punches the stripper in the nose ]

Stripper #2: Hey! What are you doing?!

Wallis: DIE, PIG!!

[ she pounds hell out of the second stripper, as the others call her off ]

Maria: They’re not cops, they’re STRIPPERS!!

Wallis: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God! Okay, sorry! I also brought, like, a bunch of cocaine! I have NEVER been to a bridal party before!

Mom: [ to Tony ] What does $20 get me?

Tony: $10 gets you the world.

Mom: Good dog!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

The Republican Presidential Debate

Maria Bartiromo…..Nasim Pedrad
John Harwood…..Fred Armisen
John Hunstman…..Taran Killam
Michelle Bachman…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over opening graphics ] Live from Aucoin University in Rochester, Michigan, it’s the CNBC Republican Debate.

[ dissolve to debate moderators ]

Maria Bartiromo: Good evening, and welcome to the CNBC Republican Debate. I’m Maria Bartiromo.

John Harwood: And I’m John Harwood. Let’s meet our candidates. On the stage tonight are John Huntsman… [ he smiles ] Michelle Bachman… [ she smiles ] Newt Gingrich… [ he grins ] Ron Paul… [ he stares, petrified ] Rick Santorum… [ he shakes his head untrustingly ] Herman Cain… [he winks slyly ] Mitt Romney… [ he nods ] and Rick Perry. [ he gives a champion pose ]

Maria Bartiromo: We begin with Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, as more women come forward, you’ve repeatedly changed your story. How do you explain your inconsistent responses to these allegations?

Herman Cain: Well, there’s been NO inconsistency, my story’s never changed. To recap: I forgot. Then I was reminded. Then I remembered. And then I forgot having remembered. And then, pizza break. And one thing is — for every woman that has come forward, there are two who have not.

Maria Bartiromo: Moving on to Governor Perry —

Rick Perry: Hey, before I start — I want to say that I know I’ve had some trouble in past debates. But tonight, I’m feeling good, I think I’m really gonna nail it. [ he points his fingers like guns ] Texas Hgih Five!

Maria Bartiromo: Alllllright. With emerging crisies in Greece and Italy, What would you do to protect and grow the American ecomony?

Rick Perry: [ he clears his throat ] Well, the first thing I would do as President… is cut government spending. So when I get to Washington, there are three — THREE! — agencies I’d cut immediately: Commerce, Education, and, uh… uh… uh, what’s the third one there…? [ he laughs nervously ] It got away from me. [ he shrugs ] Oops!

John Harwood: But, uh, seriously, Governor, uh — what is the third department to cut?

Rick Perry: Come on, man, I said “Oops!” [ he laughs ] Okay, I got it — the three departments I cut: Education, Commerce… eeeugh, why is this so hard? It’s up there somewhere, I can feel it dancing around! Come on! Come on, I-I-I’d know it if I heard it…

Ron Paul: EPA?

Rick Perry: There it is! EPA! Thanks, Ron! Hey, how about little Ronnie Paul here, huh? [ Paul waves him off ] With his little birdie arms, huh? It’s the EPA — thank you!

John Harwood: [ stone=faced ] Is it really the EPA?

Rick Perry: No, sir… no, sir. I’m trying to think, but my brain is just going: [ he blows a raspberry and laughs ]

Maria Bartiromo: And you still haven’t named the third department.

Rick Perry: Euugh… oh, I know it! It’s, uh… uh… Mard. That’s not a word! [ he laighs nervously ]

Mitt Romney: Uh, look — Maria, could we just move on? I mean, Iwant to be president, but, uh… not like this.

Rick Perry: Hey, hey. I don’t need your help, Mitt. Okay? I-I-I know all three now. Ready? Commerce… oh, God, I only know one now!

Michelle Bachmann: Maybe you have it written down in your notes.

Rick Perry: Good idea! Yeah, yeah, uh… [ he shuffles some note cards in his hands ] I’m such a Messy Marvin. Uh, the debates are hard, right, guys? [ Romney purses his lips and blows ] Is it the Department of Zoos and Parades? It might be that. No? [ Huntman is bewildered ] Uh — does it start with an “M”, or an “X”? Is there an “X” on there maybe, uhh…? [ Cain is wide-eyed ] Is it trains? trains? No, you can’t cut trains! [ Gingrich’s lip quivers, as Bachmann covers his eyes ] There’s so many, uh… so many departments!

Rick Santorum: Make it stop! Somebody make it stop!!

Rick Perry: I’m really trying here, guys. I don’t know what, uh…

Ron Paul: [ pointing ] All the cards are BLANK!

Rick Perry: Hey, no peeking! [ sweating ] It is hot… let me get out of this jacket real quick… [ he removes his jacket to reveal a half-shirt underneath ] I gotta have my dickey on! [ he laughs ]

John Harwood: Governor Perry, we are still waiting for a third department.

Herman Cain: Hey! Leave him alone! Look! I’ll tell you about the women! I’ll tell you all the vivid details — and there are A LOT!! Just leave this poor man alone! Look at him!

[ Perry is pounding his head into his podium ]

Rick Perry: I can’t… I can’t say stuff good. The words… don’t… they don’t talk right…

[ Romney steps forward and puts his arm around Perry ]

Mitt Romney: Come here. Come here, come here. It’s okay. It’s okay. Come here, come here. It’s alright.

Rick Perry: I’m not gonna be president, am I?

Mitt Romney: No. No, you’re not.

Rick Perry: Can I be your vice-president?

Mitt Romney: Sure, sure, sure… [ behind Perry, he shakes his head and mouths “No!” ]

Rick Perry: Where are we going after this, Mitt?

Mitt Romney: Uhh… We’re going to go to a nice field, where you never have to say another word. There’s going to be a cow and a chicken.

Rick Perry: I like that. Are there rabbits?

Mitt Romney: Yeah. Yeah, rabbits everywhere.

Rick Perry: Tell me about the rabbits, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: You can tend the rabbits.

Maria Bartiromo: Okayyyy. We turn now to…

[ a gun is fired and heard ricocheting ]

Mitt Romney: It bounced right off!

Rick Perry: I got it! Department of Engery! [ he throws his arms up victoriously ] Alright! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Goodnights

…..Emma Stone

Emma Stone: Thank you to Coldplay, Andrew Garfield… Lorne, the cast… my mom, my dad, Spencer! Thank you SO much, you’ve been great! Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

We’re going To Make Technology Hump!

Colleen…..Emma Stone
Jacob…..Andy Samberg

Jingle: [ over graphics ]
“We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make Technology Hump!
We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”

[ dissolve to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jacob: Hello! And welcome to…

Together: “We’re going To Make Technology Hump!”

Colleen: I’m Colleen, and this is Jacob. We’ve got a great show!

Jacob: We sure do! This first ltitle number features a Droid and a digital camera.

Colleen: Oo-ooh! We’ll see how that turns out!

[ wipe to the video: digital camera and a Droid operated by hands in a miniature kitchen setting ]

Digital Camera V/O: Well, the kitchen’s not clean, but I’ve had enough of this for one day. I’m punching out!

Droid V/O: Not so fast, Line Cook — I want to talk to you about your attitude.

Digital Camera V/O: What?! You don’t like my… attitude?

Droid V/O: No. I don’t. [ a beat ] I love it. You just do whatever you want, don’t you?

Digital Camera V/O: Maybe I do.

Droid V/O: Show me.

[ sax porno music plays, as the Droid and digital camera begin to make out ]

[ dissolve to the digital camera’s zoom lens springing an erection ]

[ dissolve to the Droid being smashed against a kitchen counter, as the digital camera comes up from behind, with the puppeteers’ hands caressing one another ]

[ the digital camera’s zoom lens eventually detracts after the female puppeteer’s hands caress it, emitting a flash photo ]

[ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Jacob: Okay — that was hot!

Colleen: Let’s keep it going, with this next little number between a video game controller and an iPad!

Jacob: Ooooohhh, taboo! [ he smiles ]

[ wipe to the video: iPad bringing room service to a video game controller’s hotel room ]

iPad V/O: Here’s your champagn,e Mr. Clark. You want this charged to the room?

Video Game Controller: [ rising from bed ] I know you!

iPad V/O: I’m… sorry?

Video Game Controller: I’ve seen you — downtown.

iPad V/O: I don’t think I know what you’re talking about…

Video Game Controller: [ he climbs from bed and looks her over ] You’re a call girl. So tell me… how much do you cost?

iPad V/O: More than you can afford.

Video Game Controller: Ha ha! [ he lays across the bed ] Name your price.

iPad V/O: [ she turns around and whispers ] A lifetime of love.

Video Game Controller: Get over here.

[ sax porno music plays, as as the iPad jumps onto the bed and makes out passionately with the video game controller ]

[ dissolve to the iPad removing a heretofore unseen lace bikini ]

[ pan to the video game controller humping the iPad, then from behind ]

[ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Jacob: Get a load of that!

Colleen: Hey! We’ve got some Viewer Email!

Jacob: Ryan from Sacramento says: “We don’t want your dumbass soap opera scenes. Just show clean, close-up shots of tech-humping.”

Colleen: Call me a hopeless romantic, but this lady needs a little dialogue before the action!

Jacob: I hear that shit! Now, for our third Tech HUmp, Colleen and I are gonna view a GPS Navscreen and a curling iron!

[ wipe to the video: curling iron doing a porno for GPS Navscreen ]

Curling Iron V/O: I swore I’d never pose nude again after Chuck broke my heart.

GPS Navscreen: You’re talking an awful lot about Chuck today. How did he break your heart? Tell me.

Curling Iron V/O: He died!

GPS Navscreen: Oh! I’m sorry, I… didn’t…

Curling Iron V/O: No, you couldn’t have — he was shot… by Czechan rebels.

GPS Navscreen: Now you truly are naked.

Curling Iron V/O: Okay… Mr. Poetry. Can I put my towel on?

GPS Navscreen: [ looking her up and down ] Not… just… yet.

[ they start to make out ]

[ dissolve to the curling iron grasping a chocolate-covered strawberry ]

[ dissolve to the curling iron dropping candle wax onto the GPS Navscreen ]

[ dissolve to the curling iron whipping the GPS Navscreen with her cord ]

[ dissolve to a second curlnig iron entering the scene, sparking a duel to the delight of the GPS Navscreen ]

[ return to Colleen and Jacob ]

Jingle: “Technology Hump!”

Colleen: Well, that’s our show this week.

Jacob: Tune in next time for a steamy scene between a shower radio and a Barnes & Noble Nook!

Jingle: “We’re going To Make… Technology Hump!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Emma Stone’s Monologue

…..Emma Stone
…..Andy Samberg
…..Andrew Garfield

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Emma Stone!

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you! (laughs) It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the second time! Uh, it’s been a pretty busy year for me-I got to be in “Crazy Stupid Love”and “The Help,” and next summer-[cheers] I’m gonna get to be in “The Amazing Spider-Man,” so, that’s pretty great. Uh, I play Spider-Man’s girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, who is a dynamic and brilliant science student. Not to be confused with Spider-Man’s other girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, who is a SKANK and doesn’t love him like I do. [as Andy Samberg drops in upside down wearing a Spider-Man costume] I’m really just so excited to be playing opposite su-such an amazing superhero.

Andy Samberg: [excitedly] Did someone say SUPERHERO?!

Emma Stone: [confused] Hey, Andy. How ya-What are you doing up there?

Andy Samberg: Well, I heard about the new Spider-Man movie, figured I would audish, maybe catch that part-IN MY WEB!! [fires Silly String from the web shooter on his wrist]

Emma Stone: Hey, Andy, I think it- [laughs as Andy continues to shoot sporadically]

Andy Samberg: Silly String!

Emma Stone: I think it might be a little late to get the part in the Spider-Man movie.

Andy Samberg: It’s never too late for Spider-Man. He can stop time!

Emma Stone: No he can’t. You’re actually thinking of Zack Morris from “Saved By the Bell.”

Andy Samberg: That’s right, yeah.

Emma Stone: And it’s definitely too late, because the movie comes out in July.

Andy Samberg: Well, we have to move quickly. Here, read with me. [opens a red fanny pack on his costume] What we got here…[pulls out a piece of paper] OK…[hands Emma the paper as other junk falls out] Take that…Just I…

Emma Stone: Oh boy…OK…

Andy Samberg: It’s OK, I don’t need a script. I’m off book. Here we go.

Emma Stone: Alright, I guess I better read with him-he went to this sad amount of trouble. Um, [reads overdramatically] Hi, Spider-Man!

Andy Samberg: Sorry, Gwen, I don’t have time to bone. I have to fight Green Goblin-oh, wait, Green Goblin just canceled; we can bone now.

Emma Stone: OK, Andy, aren’t you just redoing the same monologue Kirsten Dunst did like, 10 years ago?

[cut to a still of Kirsten Dunst’s SNL monologue from 2002]

Andy Samberg: Uh, yeah, aren’t you just redoing the exact same Spider-Man movie from 10 years ago?

Emma Stone: [offended] NOOOOO….but anyway…

Andy Samberg: OK, look, enough about the past. If you reshoot Spider-Man with me I’ll give you a performance…TO FLIP FOR!! [tries to do a backflip but is restrained by his harness] to flip for…[continues flailing and trying to flip to no avail]

Emma Stone: I’m sorry, buddy, we already got a pretty great Spider-Man.

Andy Samberg: HA! Let me guess-some teen heartthrob like Ray Liotta or Patrick Stewart?

Emma Stone: Actually, his name is Andrew Garfield.

Andy Samberg: [dismissive laugh] Garfield?! I’m sorry, does Spider-Man hate Mondays now? How-how’s he gonna fight crime when he’s busy eating lasagna and porking Nermal, am I right?! [laughs]

Emma Stone: I think you might be thinking of the wrong Garfield. Andrew, can you come up here?

[New Spider-Man Andrew Garfield enters stage right to cheers.]

Andy Samberg: Uh, excuse me, sir, just because you co-created Facebook doesn’t mean you can just barge up here.

Andrew Garfield: [in his natural British accent] That was-that was just a role I played. And I’m sorry, mate, but I am also playing Spider-Man.

Andy Samberg: [incredulously] He’s BRITISH?! Oh, America is suffering record unemployment and we outsource SPIDER-MAN to England?! I’m so angry about this I could…FLIP OUT!! [attempts to backflip some more, but fails]

Emma Stone: OK, we have got a great show for you tonight!

Andrew Garfield: Coldplay is here!

Andy Samberg: [angrily] Why-why all the British people?!

Emma Stone: So stick around and we will be right back!

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Les Jeunes de Paris

Francois…..Taran Killam
Juliette…..Emma Stone
Marius…..Paul Brittain
Stewart…..Bobby Moynihan
French Girls…..Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad
Napoleon…..Fred Armisen
The Hunchback of Notre Dame…..Andy Samberg

[Open on France3 graphic.]

Announcer: Vous regardez France3, la televison supercool. [You are watching France 3 – supercool television.]

[Cut to opening credits: Metro station, skaters, the Eiffel Tower, etc.]

[Dissolve to Parisian bistro, as Francois and Juliette are sitting at a table.]

Francois: Non, non, Juliette! S’il vous plait! [No, no, Juliette! Please!]

Juliette: Je suis desolé, Francois. Ce n’est pas vous, il est moi. [I’m sorry, Francois. It’s not you, it’s me.]

Francois: Mais pourqoi? Mais pourqoi, Juliette? [But why? But why, Juliette?]

[Juliette stands and takes her suitcase.]

Juliette: Je veux voir le monde. [I want to see the world.]

[She waves goodbye to Marius.]

Juliette: Au revoir, Marius.

Everybody: Bon voyage!

[She starts to leave as Francois jumps up.]

Francois: Non! [No!]

[Juliette stops.]

Francois: Marius. „A cause de garcons“.

[Marius thumps the jukebox, which begins to play „A cause de garcons“ by Yelle.]

[Francois strikes a few dance poses and moves toward Juliette, who walks toward him, intrigued. She crosses her arms and tries to look uninterested as he dances around her. After a few moments she gives in and follows his moves, mirroring his dancing.]

[The chorus begins and everybody in the room begins to dance wildly.]

[Francois grabs a chair and places it in front of the exit. He seductively rubs himself against it, shaking his ass at Juliette, before sitting down on it, guarding the door.]

[Juliette and another girl pull him off the chair and across the room. Juliette starts walking towards the door, but Francois grabs her sweater and pulls it off her.]

[Startled, she throws her hands in the air, exposing her hairy, hairy armpits.]

[Francois puts her sweater around her shoulders and goes on to put a chain and a lock around the door handles. With ostentation, he brushes dust off his hands.]

[Determined, Juliette prouces a baguette and starts smashing the chain apart with it.]

[The door opens and Francois, suddenly outside of the bistro, jumps in and dances in front of Juliette.]

[Everybody resumes to dance wildly, as Francois takes Juliette’s suitcase and throws it on top of the jukebox, out of her reach.]

Juliette: Non!

[He becons her to come to him, but she is happily rubbing herself against Napoleon, who is standing still with one hand in his coat.]

[Not to be outdone, Francois grabs a red balloon that has floated from above and starts dancing with it before passionately running his tongue over it.]

[The balloon explodes.]

[Francois turns and gets down on one knee in front of Juliette, placing a ring on her finger. The other people in the bistro come and put Juliette in a wedding gown and a bow tie on Francois.]

[Napoleon weds the bridal couple. They kiss.]

[Juliette gives birth to an infant that crawls out from in beetween her legs.]

[Everybody resumed to wild dancing, as bicyclists from the Tour De France race through the scene.]

[Red, white and blue balloons suddenly fall over the group as Francois grabs Juliette, spins her around and holds her in a pose, as everyone in the room freezes.]

[The hunchback jumps into frame.]

The Hunchback: Sanctuary!

[Cut to title card.]

[Fade.]

Submitted by: Bon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 6

11f: Emma Stone / Coldplay

Sad Song

Karen…..Nasim Pedrad
Emma…..Emma Stone
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Bill….Bill Hader
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Janitor…..Fred Armisen
Window Washer…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Coldplay

[ open on exterior, office building, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, office ]

Emma: Hey, Karen… I’m sorry you didn’t land that account. You okay?

Karen: Oh, that’s fine — I’m totally fine!

Emma: Oh. We all know how bad you wanted it. Why don’t you take your mind off of it, and join us for Happy hour?

Kristen: Yeah! TGIFriday’s has 100 wings for only 20 cents until 7 pm!

[ the others encourage Karen to join them ]

Karen: No, I’m okay! I’ll be right behind you. I just… have to… do a couple things.

Emma: Okay. And don’t worry — you’re gonna get it NEXT time.

Karen: Thanks! Bye! [ the others exit the office ] And… play.

[ Karen plays Adele’s “Someone Like You”, and begins to weep vividly and mouth the words ]

[ she quickly turns the CD off and scatters things around her desk as Emma re-enters the office ]

Karen: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This desk is, like, crazy — oh, my God, I have too many pencils! So many of them!

Emma: Karen… Karen. Stop! I know you were listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” and crying.

Karen: Okay.

Emma: And you know what? Last night, I watched the series finale of “Friday Night Lights” and it really messed me up, so…

Karen: Say no more.

[ Karen turns the song back on, as she and Emma both begin to cry and pig into pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream ]

[ suddenly, Kristen re-enters the office ]

Kristen: Is everyone coming?

[ Karen quickly turns the song off, as she and Emma pretend to be in the middle of an order ]

Karen: Yes! [ she grabs the telephone ] THank you for your business! We will get RIGHT on that! OKay, bye bye!

Emma: Byyyyyye!

Kristen: Ladies, I’m no dummy. You both needed a good cry, so you were listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You”.

Karen: [ with ice cream dripping down her face ] Do you do it, too?

Kristen: Everyone with a heart and an iTunes account does. So I know it… I get it… and I want in.

Emma: [ suspicious ] Why? What’s going on with you?

Kristen: All week, my, uh… my parakeets have been fighting. I feel I’m caught in the middle of it. So… so, hit me.

Karen & Emma: Okay.

[ Karen turns the song back on, as all three women begin to cry in their own unique manner — including Emma taking a digital photo of herself, and Kristen reaching out for her parakeets ]

[ suddenly, the male co-workers re-enter the office ]

Andy: Laaaadies!

Kenan: Where are you at?!

[ Karen quickly turns the song off, as the ladies try to cover their behavior ]

Karen: We’re not doing ANYTHING, okay?!

Emma: We were doing NOTHING! We were doing NOTHING!

Karen: Yep!

Kristen: I was thinking about my birds and crying to Adele’s “Someone Like You”.

Andy: What?

Kenan: what?!

Karen: What are you guys doing back here?

Bill: That Happy Hour wings special ended at 6:30. [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Oh, God…

The Men: Press Play…

[ Karen turns the song on again, as the male co-workers begin to weep vividly, including Bill with mascara running down his cheeks ]

[ then, the Janitor enters the room mopping, and he too begins to weep with his lower lip quivering ]

[ outside, a Window Washer is busy washing the window, then drops his squeegee and places his hand on the glass and begins to cry along with everyone else ]

[ from within the halls of Studio 8H, the members of Coldplay watch the sketch on a monitor and cry along with the characters ]

[ back within the sketch, all of the co-workers and other participants lock arms in a line and sing along ]

[ at last, Karen turns the song off one last time ]

Karen: Guys… let’s go get some FULL-PRICED wings!

Everyone: YEAH!!!

[ they all rush out of the office ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts