Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 7
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
November 19th, 2011
Jason Segel
Florence + The Machine
None
Kermit the Frog
Miss Piggy
Fozzy Bear
The Great Gonzo
Rolf
Scooter
Statler & Waldorf
Paul Rudd
Gov. Jon Huntsman
Olivia Wilde
None
Mitt Romney: Raw & Unleashed
Summary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) tries desperately to prove that he can be less boring than he appears to be.
Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.
Transcript
Montage
Jason Segel’s Monologue
Summary: Jason Segel sings about the unbelievalbe thrill of hosting “Saturday Night” with backing vocals from his disgruntled group of Muppet co-stars.
Transcript
Red Flag Parfum
Summary: The enchanting fragrance that warns would-be suitors that the attractive woman in the bar might not be worth the pursuit.
Note: Repeat from 11a
Kelly Auditions
Summary: Following Regis Philbin’s retirement, Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) auditions various celebrities in search of a new co-star.
Recurring Characters: Kelly Ripa, Michael Gelman, Ricky Gervais, Charles Barkley, Denzel Washington, Ashton Kutcher, Rosie O’Donnell, Antonio Banderas, Kathie Lee Gifford.
Transcript
Kemper-Pedic Me Time Mattress
Summary: Pete Kemper (Jason Segel) promotes his patented Keper Pedic Me Time Mattress, which allows him to perform masturbatory actions in bed without disturbing his wife’s (Vanessa Bayer) sleep.
Transcript
The Vogelchecks
Summary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel) greet more newcomers with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses at Christmas time.
Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Austin Vogelcheck.
Florence + The Machine performs “Shake It Out”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Gov. Jon Huntsman comments on how his campaign for the Republican presidential nominee is going, especially in New Hampshire. Seth Meyers and Kermit the Frog ask “Really!?!” in regards to pizza being declared a vegetable for the sake of school the lunch program.
Transcript
Retirement Party
Summary: Mr. Gurst’s (Fred Armisen) retirement party is marred by secretary Janelle Mumrot’s (Kristen Wiig) inability to find something to say and Louis’ (Jason Segel) drunken plot to spill well-known company secrets.
A New Jack Thanksgiving
Summary: Medium Richard (Bobby Moynihan) promotes a collection of New Jack holiday classics that he’s almost positive never went out of style.
Recurring Characters: Triangle Sally.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: An 80’s-era Instructor (Andy Samberg) does a poor job demonstrating the art of “Seducing Women Through Chess”.
Transcript
André The Giant Chooses An Ice Cream Flavor
Summary: André The Giant (Jason Segel) takes his time to ponder the selection of an ice cream flavor among so many vivid choices.
Transcript
Florence + The Machine performs “No Light, No Light”
The Blue Jean Committee
Summary: Members of the Blue Jean Committee (Fred Armisen, Jason Segel, Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson) are local western Massachusetts boys about to go national, but still wow the crowd at the local bar with their hit “Massachusetts Afternoon”.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
NBA TelethonSummary: Because of the NBA Lockout, basketball players are unable to solicit donations during their annual telethon.
Balcony SongsSummary: City residents perform Broadway solos from their apartment balconies.
Deidra Wurtz: Bankruptcy ExpertSummary: Bankruptcy expert Deidra Wurtz (Abby Elliott) will assist people with bad business ability with ease and Valley girl vernacular.
Frozen Mexican Dinner
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.
Note: This ad parody will air on the next episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.
Kid DynamoSummary: An inventor (Jason Sudeikis) tries to impress a group of scientists with the child-sized robots (Paul Brittain, Taran Killam) he invented.
Summary: Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) moderates the latest debate between Republican frontrunners Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis), Rick Perry (Alec Baldwin), and other candidates who don’t stand a chance at their party’s nomination.
Summary: Alec jokes about Ben & Jerry’s new Schweddy Balls flavor, then triumphes that his 16th hosting gig finally puts him ahead of Steve Martin’s record. Martin then shows up to make sure that Baldwin is hosting without the aid of steroids, and employs drug expert Seth Rogen to analyze Baldwin’s urine sample.
Summary: Susan Lucci (Vanessa Bayer) toasts her glass to a roomful of actors and actresses whose real-life quirks are just as overdramatic as their soap opera characters.
Summary: Denise Fineman (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, from Costa Rica, where her desk anchors (Alec Baldwin, Abby Elliott) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.
Summary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) summer movie wrap-up derails into a discussion about women’s hygeine products.
Summary: Contestants (Alec Baldwin, Vanessa Bayer) try to guess which of two male celebrities would be on top if they were involved in a hypothetical gay relationship.
Summary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.
Summary: Child psychologist (Alec Baldwin) ignores his whiny daughter (Nasim Pedrad) for her own good during a dinner date at home with Elaine (Vanessa Bayer).
Summary: Captain (Alec Baldwin) gives his private (Taran Killam) unusual final requests after being shot by the enemy.
Summary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.
