Category: 2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Alec Baldwin
John Huntsman…..Taran Killam
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Michelle Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: And now, live from the Strom Thurmond Memorial Library in Lynchfield, South Carolina — it’s Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate. And now, please welcome your debate moderator: from FOX News — Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Smith at his podium ]

Shepard Smith: Good evening. I’m Shepard Smith, and I come from a town full of secrets. I’d like to begin by apologizing for responses by the audience at the previous three debates, who booed a soldier, cheered executions, and applauded the death of an uninsured man. It was inappropriate. I’d also like to apologize for the late start tonight — there was a six-car pile-up on Route 20 that burst into flames. [ the audience applauds ]

Tonight’s debate is between former governor Mitt Romney… and governor Rick Perry. There are also six other people who will NEVER be president, but showed up anyway. Their names are John Huntsman… Ron Paul… Herman Cain… Rick Santorum… Michelle Bachmann… and Newt Gingrich.

Now, before we begin, we had complaints that our soudn effects marking the end of a candidate’s time sounded too close to a doorbell, and therefore is making dogs at home go crazy. So we changed the sound to this: [ a cat meows ]

Governor Perry, we’ll begin with you. A mere three weeks ago, you were the darling of the right wing of the Republican Party, but now, after three debates, your inconsistent performances have given your supporters doubts. My question is: Can you speak for ten seconds without alienating your base?

Rick Perry: Now, the Conservative Base needs to know that Rick Perry stands with them 110%. I believe we need to lower the corporate tax rate, I believe we need fewer regulations, I believe all ten-year old girls should be vaccinated for HPV so they can enter into menaingful sexual relationships. No? Uh… oh, I’ll try again. “Rick Perry… consistent…” Uh, I believe Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, I believe we need to build a fence to keep the illegals out; however, should any illegals get through and have children here, I believe we should open our hearts and pay for their education. [ the audience boos ] No? Do-over! Do-over! Uh… Rick Perry only listens to two people: Jesus Christ and Rachel Maddow! [ the audience boos ] No? No. Damn!

Shepard Smith: Mitt Romney. Despite currently polling second, voters still don’t seem to conenct to you. Tell us: Who is Mitt Romney?

Mitt Romney: Well… I’d like to start by saying that I know things have gotten pretty heated between Governor Perry and I in the last few debates… and I… I just want to thank him for not playing the Mormon card. Now, I know it’s there and I know it’s tempting.

Rick Perry: Oh… I’m gonna do it soon, real soon, you just wait!Now, look — Mitt Romney might not be the perfect candidate. But he’s the PERFECT candidate in comparison to the other candidates! Next to Rick Perry, I’m a centrist. Next to Michelle Bachmann, U’m a private sector businessman. Next to Newt Gingrich, I have a normal, human-sized head. Next to Ron Paul… well, I’m the Fonz! And, next to Herman Cain… [ he motions his hand and mouths “I’m White” ] Now, next to John Huntsman, it gets tricky. Because we’re both Mormon and have similar haircuts. But I think I compare favorably to him because I didn’t spend the last two years in China.

John Huntsman: No, no… now, see, I resent that, Mitt. My time spent as Ambassador to China is an asset, but it does not define me. I understand Chinese economy… I understand, a little bit, Chinese culture… [ in Chinese dialect ] You want a little bit Chinese history? Ya ya, okay! Maybe some Chinese-U.S. relation, maybe? Home, please. Ni-hai! [ he yells offscreen in a foreign tongue ] Okay, I read back! 1. Chinese economy; 2. Little bit Chinese culture; 3. Chinese history; 4. Scallion pancake; 5. John Huntsman good president, 2012 — HOW YOU PAY?!

Shepard Smith: Now, sadly, we have to ask questions to condidates who can’t and won’t win. But we will promise to get back to Mr. Romney and Mr. Perry as fast as we can. Gentlemen, do you accept our apologies?

Rick Perry: That’s alright.

Mitt Romney: Yeah, we get it.

Shepard Smith: Newt Gingrich. I’m calling your bluff. Do you really want to be president?

Newt Gingrich: [ rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] No!

Shepard Smith: Would you like to leave now, and beat the rush out of the parking lot?

Newt Gingrich: Thank you!

[ Gingrich steps away from his podium and crosses the stage, slapping hands with Herman Cain before he exits ]

Shepard Smith: Rick Santorum. You seem confused and flabbergasted by modern-day life.

Rick Santorum: [ almost crying ] Yea-ah! Yuo might say that.

Shepard Smith: It seems like, if there were a time and place in history that best fit your values, it would likely be Salem, Mass. in 1692.

Rick Santorum: [ shaking his head ] Sounds right! I’m sorry… what’s the question?

Shepard Smith: Why stick your neck out and run for president, little guy?

Rick Santorum: [ nervously ] Look — this country is headed into a sca-scary direction, okay? I mean, jsut yesterday, I read a statistic that half — HALF!! — of all marriages… end in SWEATPANTS!!

Shepard Smith: I believe you read that on a billboard for the NBC sitcom “Whitney”.

Rick Santorum: [ confused ] Did I do wrong?

Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] You did! Michelle Bachmann.

Michell Bachmann: [ she grins laciviously ] You know you want it!

Shepard Smith: You were an early leader in the polls, but then numbers dipped when Newsweek showed a picture of your face.

Michell Bachmann: [ smiling ] That’s correct.

Shepard Smith: In Thursday’s debate, you said you believed Americans should pay no taxes at all. How would that work?

Michell Bachmann: Shep… I believe paying no taxes can help us return to the America I love — not the America of Ronald Reagan, not the America of the Founding Fathers — but, rather, the America of thousands of years ago, in which feral bands of mud people lived in their caves, never worrying that Barack Obama was gonna come and take their hard-earned pelts or infringe on their right to bear spears. That’s my America. [ she smiles ]

Shepard Smith: How do you rebound from your falling poll numbers?

Michell Bachmann: Uh, Shepard, I’m persistant. And when I want something, I won’t take “No” for an answer. Take, for instance, when I first met my husband. We were both at a party and I saw him across the room, acting out all the parts from the musical “Grease”. Smitten, I asked him out for a hot water and lemon. He said: “Miss Thing, here’s a quarter — buy yourself a clue.” But I wouldn’t give up. In closing: fences, Jesus, papilloma, eyeballs. [ she smiles ]

Shepard Smith: Jeepers creepers, those are some spooky-ass peepers! Moving on… Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: Who?

Shepard Smith: Mr. Cain, your only experience is serving as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. How does running a pizza chain equate to running a country?

Herman Cain: Well, Shepard… the one constant through all the years has been PIZZA! America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers, but PIZZA has marked the time. If you order it… pizza will come. There’s no better motto for the federal government than that of a pizza place. Pizza doesn’t come to your door unless you ask for it. But when you ask for it… pizza will be there in ten minutes. If you order it… pizza will come. It’s four o’clock in the morning, and you’re high as a kite and the stuff in your fridge is weirding you out? If you order it… pizza will come. Pizza will come. Oh, pizza will most definitely come. And if you vote for me, America, I promise you… that I WILL deliver!

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Cain basks in his glory ]

Shepard Smith: Once again, Herman Cain has received wild applause. Now, Mr. Cain, please know that will not translate into actual votes.

Herman Cain: [ he grins proudly ] I am aware!

Shepard Smith: Ron Paul.

Ron Paul: [ gawkishly ] Damn right!

Shepard Smith: You were, uh, painted into a corner last week when you were asked a very pointed hypothetical question about liberty. So let’s do that again!

Ron Paul: G-g-great!

Shepard Smith: Let’s pretend you are a representative of the federal government walking down the street. You see a house on fire. Do you act?

Ron Paul: [ shaking his head frantically ] Nooo!! That’s none of my business!

Shepard Smith: What if… the house is full of puppies? Puppies with their noses pressed against the glass. Do you act then?

Ron Paul: No! That is NOT my place!

Shepard Smith: What if… the puppies were making this noise: [ he moans like a helpless puppy ] And they’re all wearing bows. What would you do?

Ron Paul: I’d let the puppies BURN! I am a PURIST! The puppie should DIE!!

Shepard Smith: Well… Ron Paul, you stuck to your guns! Your weird, old guns!

Rick Perry: Uh, Shep? Shep, if I may, I’d like to, uh, attack Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper.

Shepard Smith: You sure? It’s late in the debate. This is when you normally get tired and confused.

Rick Perry: Not tonight! Yeah, I’m ready. [ he begins ] Mitt Romney’s city was for… uh… against… Obamacare… but what about… [ he yawns ] Mitt Romney? I mean… Mitt… Romneycare… Was it was before he was before…?

Shepard Smith: Uh-ohhhh…

Rick Perry: Was it was… [ he leans on his podium ] He was before… [ he leans closer to his podium ] Board of control! [ he slouches down on his podium and snores ]

Shepard Smith: And he’s asleep! That concludes tonight’s debate. As a reminder to Chris Christie: It’s wide open, buddy! Stay tuned for our next debate, which begins in five minutes and features questions from animals. I’m Shepard Smith, I’m a silly little rag doll, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin
…..Alec Baldwin

Steve Martin: [ pulling at a string on Baldwin’s shoulder ] You’ve got a thing right there…

Alec Baldwin: [ adjusting between his pants legs ] Thanks to Radiohead, Steve Martin, and Seth Rogan!

[ as the credits roll, Baldwin holds up a sign that reads “She’s My Carla!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin
…..Seth Rogen

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! [ waving off the audience applause ] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m Alec Baldwin, and I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”. This is my 16th time hosting! [ the audience cheers ] Which means that, tonight, I am passing Steve Martin, and setting a new record for the most times hosting “SNL”. Now, a lot of people make a big deal about the record. I don’t really care about that, it’s not a competition — because if it was, I’ve won! But, when you think about it, time is on my side. What is Steve — 100? So… no matter how many times he hosts, I’ll always have time to catch up. Steve and I, by the way, are friends. We were in “It’s Complicated” together, and, uh, when I hosted the Oscars — Steve was a big help. He’s very talented. Uh, what’s that thing he plays, the round guitar thing that Kermit the Frog plays? The BANJO! Yeah, the banjo, thank you.

But, you know, I’ve made so many memories over the years, and I’ve played so many characters… but the one sketch people always ask me about is Pete Schweddy and his famous Schweddy Balls! [ the audience cheers ] And now, Schweddy Balls is its own Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor. Now — true story, true story — there’s a family organization that is angry about the name, because they think it’s INAPPROPRIATE for the grocery store aisle. Well, if you don’t like Schweddy Balls, Ben & Jerry has a new ice cream flavor JUST for you — it’s called “Go Fudge Yourself!” [ the audience laughs] But — [ he looks offstage ] ohhhh!

[ Steve Martin enters to thunderous applause ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, really? Oh, really? [ he stands back ]

Steve Martin: Welllll, aren’t we proud of ourselves?

Alec Baldwin: Steve, what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Oh, I was just passing by the studio in full make-up… and I heard you were breaking my hosting record and, while I’m happy for you, I wanted to make sure you were doing it without the use of steroids or performance enhancing drugs.

Alec Baldwin: Well, that’s ridiculous! I’m hosting completely steroid-free!

Steve Martin: Well, then you won’t mind… [ he holds up a cup ] giving us a little sample.

Alec Baldwin: You expect me to do that in front of everyone?

Steve Martin: Of course not. Uh — people!

[ medical equipment is wheeled in ]

Alec Baldwin: Who are they?

Steve Martin: I brought along a medical team, AND an expert on drug use.

[ Seth Rogen awkwardly steps on stage, to thunderous applause ]

Steve Martin: Thank you! [ to Baldwin ] Let’s get to it.

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhhh, Steve! You’re my nemesis!

Steve Martin: [ with sinister chuckling ] Oh-ho, Alec Baldwin! You don’t even know how to pronounce the word “nuh-me-sis”!

Alec Baldwin: Let’s get this over with!

[ Baldwin takes the cup and steps behind a curtain to pee ]

Steve Martin: I wonder if my being out here counts as a hosting? Could you check that for me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah, yeah… no problem, no problem. [ he punches it into his cellphone ] No… no, it doesn’t count. Sorry.

Steve Martin: Hmmmm… how many hits came up when you searched my name?

Seth Rogen: Oh, a lot! 108!

Steve Martin: Whoa-ho! Bingo!

[ Baldwin returns ]

Alec Baldwin: Here’s your sample, Doctor!

Seth Rogen: Thank you!

[ Rogen begins to analyZe the sample alongside the other doctors, but Steve grabs it from him ]

Steve Martin: Oh, that won’t be necessary. [ he sqigs the urine and swishes it around in his mouth ] Aniasin… a little B-12… but no steroids. [ he takes another swig ] Let’s see… a little linguine vongole…

Alec Baldwin: AMAZING!

Steve Martin: There’s another flavor there… [ he glances at Baldwin’s crotch ] Cialis for daily use.

Alec Baldwin: DAMN you, Steve!

Steve Martin: But… no perofrmance enhancing drugs. Baldwin, you’re doing it fair and square.

Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Steve! [ he extends his hand ]

Steve Martin: I don’t believe you washed that. [ Baldwin withdraws his hand ] But, my sincere congratulations.

Alec Baldwin: Are we good now?

Steve Martin: We are good.

Alec Baldwin: Then will you say it with me, my friend?

Steve Martin: I sure will, pal.

Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show for you tonight!

Steve Martin: Radiohead is here!

Seth Rogen: So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Red Flag Parfum

Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Men…..Andy Samberg, Taran Killam, Jason Sudeikis

[ open on attractive woman sauntering into a party atmosphere ]

Announcer: She can stop every conversation… just by entering the room.

[ all the men in the room turn their heads ]

Announcer: She can change your night… with a single look.

[ she stares one man down and makes her approach ]

Announcer: And if you ask her what she does… she’ll tell you.

[ she leans into the man’s ear and whispers: ]

Announcer: “I’m a dancer!”

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

Announcer: She’s gorgeous… wealthy… a free spirit… and her ex-boyfriend was a club promoter.

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

Announcer: She knows exactly where to go… exactly what to do… and all her friends are dudes.

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

[ the woman sips champagne, then hands the glass over to another man ]

Announcer: She’s exquisite… but she also lived in Vegas for eleven years.

[ the man sips the champagne, then spits it back into the glass and steps away ]

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

[ she attempts to make another man laugh by playing Peek-a-boo with the bottom of her dress ]

Announcer: She’s funny… but not funny like “Ha ha!”… funny like “Yikes!”

[ she sticks her funger in the man’s mouth, and he quickly gags it out ]

Female Voiceover: Red… Flag…

Announcer: And her pinky nail is waaay longer than her other nails.

[ she uses her pinky nail to scratch above her lip ]

Female Voiceover: That’s a major Red Flag.

[ the woman dances wildly with an uncorked bottle of champagne, as the men look on in disgust ]

Announcer: Red Flag Parfum, by Chanel. The only perfume that warns men:

[ she turns to leave the party ]

Woman: I’m fucking crazy!

[ she runs from the party ]

Announcer: Red Flag.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Turner Classic Movies

Written by: Zach Kanin

Captain…..Alec Baldwin
Private…..Taran Killam
Thomas……Bobby Moynihan
Lieutenant…..Fred Armisen

[ open on TCM logo ]

Announcer: We now return to the 1956 classic “Angels in the Trenches.”

[ dissolve to scene: soldiers firing rifles in the trenches ]

[ there’s an explosion, and the Captain’s down ]

Private: Captain! Are you alright?!

Captain: I’m shot! Oh, God, I think I’m dying!

Private: Captain, NO!

Captain: Oh, yes, it’s true! I’m not gonna make it, Private! Can you deliver a message for me?

Private: Of course, sir! Anything!

Captain: Tell my wife I love her.

Private: I will tell her on my honor.

Captain: And tell my son…

Private: Yes, Captain?

Captain: Tell my son… there’s no Santa Claus…

Private: Are, are you sure you want me to do that, sir?

Captain: Yes! You must! And explain to him how sex works!

Private: Um… maybe someone else should tell him this stuff.

Captain: I’m dying, Private… I can see the light…

Private: Okay! Okay, I’ll tell him! You rest easy, Captain.

Captain: One last thing.

Private: Yes.

Captain: Tell my son that a cripple isn’t a full human being.

Private: What?! Why?!

Captain: It is my final wish! Promise me!

Private: I promise.

Captain: And tell my wife’s sister I love her —

Private: Her sister?!

Captain: More than my wife. Make sure they BOTH know I love her more than my wife! Alright?

Private: Maybe I should get a pen and paper…

Captain: I’m so cold… so very cold.

Private: [ unbuttoning his jacket ] Here, Captain — take my jacket.

Captain: Tell my son that you killed me!

Private: Me?!

Captain: Please! I think it will give him some closure.

Private: Captain! Why would I kill you?

Captain: ‘Cause it’s my dying wish, Private.

[ an explosion, as Thomas is shot ]

Thomas: NOOOOO!!!! OH, I’vE BEEN HIT!! OH!!

[ the Private runs over ]

Thomas: Oh! Am I gonna make it?!

Private: It doesn’t look good.

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Can you do something for me?

Private: Anything!

Thomas: Please… tell my wife that I’m working late!

Private: But — but you’re DYING!

Thomas: She’ll NEVER let me live this down!

[ an explosion, as the Lieutentant is shot ]

Lieutenant: Now I’M dying!

Private: One second! [ he rushes over ] LIEUTENANT!!

Lieutenant: [ catching his breath ] I want you to write a letter to my congressman.

Private: A letter?!

Lieutenant: Yes! Tell him there’s a pothole on Dumont Street. Tell him it’s so big, they should call it Dumont Crater instead of Dumont Street.

Private: Okay…

Captain: PRIVATE!! Back to me!

Private: [ rushing over ] What is it, Captain?

Captain: [ whipping out a leopard-print negligee ] I want you to put this on and dance around for me!

Private: I’m NOT gonna do that!

Captain: Okay, it was worth a shot! Listen — I want you to dress up like a doctor and tell my brother he’s got cancer. Trust me!

Private: [ outraged ] NO!!

Captain: It’ll be hilarious!

Thomas: PRIVATE SCOTT!!

Private: [ rushing over ] Yes, Thomas?

Thomas: [ catching his breath ] Tell your mother… she’s so fat she doesn’t have a lazy eye, she’s got a ribeye!

Private: [ confused ] My mother?!

Thomas: Yeah!

Lieutenant: And tell her she’s so fat… the zoning board called and said if she gains any more weight… she’s gonna have to install… a second butthole!

Private: Im’ not gonna tell her that!

Thomas: Please..! Tell your mother… [ he catches his breath ] that she is SO fat… [ he catches his breath ] That’s all! Just, please! Please tell her that she’s fat…

[ Thomas dies ]

Captain: PRIVATE SCOTT!!

[ Private rushes over ]

Captain: Tell your mother that she’s… [ he grity his teeth ]

Private: WHAT?! What, that she’s FAT?!

Captain: She’s… [ he grits his teeth and falls dead ]

Private: Captain! [ he looks around ] Okay… I’ll tell her. I’ll tell my mother she’s FAT!

[ the Private salutes, as the screen reads “The End” and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Who’s On Top?

Vince Blake…..Bill Hader
Paul…..Alec Baldwin
Madeline…..Vanessa Bayer
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play everyone’s favrotie game of strategy:

Audience: “Who’s! On! Top?!”

Announcer: And here’s your host — Vince Blake!

[ Vince Blake runs out ]

Vince Blake: Hello, everyone! Welcome to another edition of “Who’s On Top?” We’ve got three great contestants today. You folks ready to play?

Madeline: Yes!

Jason: You bet!

Paul: You know it, Vince!

Vince Blake: Alright, the rules are simple: As we all know, when two gay men have sex, one person is the top, and one is the bottom. We’ll show you two male celebrities, who — hypothetically — could have sex, and you decide Whooooooo’s On Top?

Jason: No. [ laughing ] No, no. No, thank you, I’m not playing this. [ to the other two contestants ] Good luck,nice meeting you. [ he exits ]

Vince Blake: Well, as usual, explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeline, are you still ready to play?

Madeline: Sure!

Paul: One-hundred percent!

Vince Blake: It’s a simple game. for instance, if I saud Hannity & Colmes: Who’s On Top? The answer would be?

Paul & Madeline: Hannity!

Vince Blake: Obviously! Obviously. Alright, Paul, you’re up first, and here’s your question: We’ve rocked out to their songs for over THIRTY years; between them, they’ve sold almost 300 million albums; but if Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen had sex, tell me: Whooooooo’s On Top?

Paul: Ohhhhhh… That’s an excellent question, let me think this through, uh… uh… The easy answer would be that Bruce is on top, because he’s the Boss. But it can’t be that simple. Physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular, but Joel’s a buldog…

Vince Blake: Ten more minutes.

Paul: Don’t rush me! Uh… let’s see, Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble and he takes pride in a hard day’ work, even if it ain’t pretty. Uh, BILLY JOEL’S on top!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: Correct!

Paul: Ahhh!

Vince Blake: Alright, Paul, you’re in the lead with $10,000! As always, I have to point out we here at “Who’s On Top?” are in NO WAY insinuating that ANYONE mentioned on this show is or has ever been gay, etc. etc. etc., blah blah blah blah! Alright! Madeline, you’re up! They are two of cinema’s favorite international stars, but if Roberto Benigni and Gerard Depardieu had sex… Whoooooooo’s On Top?

Madeline: Uh… shoot! I KNOW this! Okay. Well… Benigni’s a squirmer, so he would be hard to hold down. Um… but if anyone can do it, it’s Gerard. So… um… I’m gonna say GERARD DEPARDIEU’s on top!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blake: Sorry, Madeline. You forgot Depardieu is French, and therefore a BOTTOM!

Madeline: [ throwing her hands in defeat ] Of course!

Vince Blake: Yes. Yes. Well, Paul, you’re back up. They delighted millions of children in “The Lion King”… but when Timon and Pumba have gay sex, Whooooooo’s On Top?

Paul: Oh, I was just thinking about this. Uh… Timon and Oumba, of course their motto was “Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, ain’t no passing craze, it’s a problem-free philosophy, Hakuna Matata”… [ thinking ] There IS no top! They trade off positions evenly! It’s a circle of life!

[ ding! ]

Vince Blake: That is correct! That is correct! That’s great. Let’s pause now for a word from one of our sponsors. [ a beat ] What? Still no sponsors? I can’t blame them. Alright, let’s keep playing. Paul, you’re in the lead, so you move on to our Lightning Round. But don’t worry, Madeline isn’t leaving empty-handed — she’ll be going home with the “Who’s On Top?” Home Edition!

[ reveal home edition slide ]

Paul: Uh, Vince? I’d just like to say that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip. Uh, but if you use your instincts about personality and status, you’ll see that these ARE the right answers.

Vince Blake: That’s right. It’s a SMART game! Let’s go to the Lightning Round.

[ Vince and paul step into the circle together ]

Vince Blake: Okay, Paul. In this round, I’m going to ask you to picture tow men having sex —

Paul: DONE!!

Vince Blake: Uh — let me finish! Of those two, you’ll try to guess as many TOPS as you can before tiem runs out. Alright? Annnd… GO! Mark Twain and Seth Green — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Oh, please! Mark Twain.

Vince Blake: Correct! Kimbo Slice, the old man from “Up” — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Surprisingly, the old man from “Up”.

Vince Blake: Correct! ’70’s Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers now — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Uh, I-I-I don’t want to picture that! Pass!

Vince Blake: Correct! Paul Giamatti —

Paul: The other guy!

Vince Blake: Correct! Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil — Who’s On Top?

Paul: Oprah Winfrey!

Vince Blake: Correct! Final question! Final question! The cast of “Entourage” — if they all had sex, put them in order from bottom to top!

Paul: Oh, crap! Okay… Turtle’s on the bottom… but now it gets trickly. Drama wouldn’t be next, he’s too proud —

Vince Blake: 45 minutes.

Paul: Uh… I got it! I got it! Uh — Turtle… E… Drama… Ari… Vinnie’s on top… while Scott Caan watches!

[ ding ding ding! ]

Vince Blake: You just won $600,000! You can walk away now, or LOSE IT ALL!

Paul: I WANT TO LOSE IT ALL!! [ electorni flushing sound effect ] What?!

Vince Blake: Well, too bad. That’s all for today! Stay tuned for the Gay Sex Elimination Show! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD

Voice of Director…..Paul Brittain
Tony Danza…..Fred Armisen
Al Pacino…..Alec Baldwin
Harvey Fierstein…..Bill Hader
Paula Abdul…..Nasim Pedrad
Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Crispin Glover…..Andy Samberg
Tom Hanks…..Taran Killam
Sinbad…..Kenan Thompson
Mindy Cohn…..Bobby Moynihan
Prince…..Fred Armisen
Bobcat Goldthwait…..Taran Killam

[ open on “Top Gun” film footage ]

Announcer: 25 years ago, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer took to the sky, to see who would become… “Top Gun”! And now, you can experience the high-flying action all over again, with the 25th Anniversary DVD of “Top Gun”! Including never-before seen screen tests!

[ cut to archive screen test footage ]

Director’s Voice: Tony Danza screen test.

Tony Danza: “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that! It’s classy fries!”

Director’s Voice: No, it’s “classified.”

Tony Danza: Ohhhhhhh! I thought it was like classy fries, you know, like, curly fries.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Al Pacino!

Al Pacino: “I got a need! I got a real need for speed! You got no i-dee-uh! Where am I at! …In regards to speed?”

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Harvey Fierstein.

Harvey Fierstein: [ confused ] This is not a gay film?

Director’s Voice: No.

Harvey Fierstein: But it says in the script that we play volleyball in jean shorts.

Director’s Voice: It’s not a gay film…

Harvey Fierstein: I say: “Iceman’s on my tail, he’s coming hard.” I literally said that to a bathroom attendant last night.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Paula Abdul.

[ Paula does her “Straight Up” dance moves ]

Director’s Voice: No!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Alan Alda.

Alan Alda: “Son… your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash!” [ he smiles ] Oh, you know, that is a terrific line! I feel like I understand EVERYTHING about this movie! Just from the one line! That’s good writing! And I don’t know FUCK about airplanes!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Crispin Glover.

Crispin Glover: [ with hands clenched ] “Get your damn hands off her… Iceman!”

Director’s Voice: Wow.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Tom Hanks. Okay, and action!

Tom Hanks: “Re-quest-ing a fly-byyyy! Ghooooost! Ghoooooost!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Sinbad, Take 35.

Sinbad: “MAN, you got to be out of your MIND to go upside-down like that! What you got, brain damage?!” [ he puts his helmet down and picks up a microphone ] And what’s with girls today, huh?! They don’t even wear bikinis any more! All they do is put on a little DENTAL FLOSS like this: [ he pulls on his pants at his ass ] “Oh! Where’s the beef? Somebody tell me where the beef is at!”

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Natalie, from “The Facts of Life”.

Mindy Cohn: “Hey, Goose! You big stud! Take me to bed, or lose me forever!” [ she giggles ]

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Prince. Take 1.

[ Prince hides behind aspotlight ]

Director’s Voice: Prince?

[ cut back to Al Pacino’s audition ]

Al Pacino: …And if I’m flying the plane, and all of a sudden a bird shits on the windshield — what happens then? What happens then? I’m over AFGHANISTAN! I’m dropping BOMBS on AFGHANISTAN, and a bird takes a GIANT shit on the windshield! What… do I do?

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Bobcat Goldthwait.

Bobcat Goldthwait: I’m Bobcat Goldthwait… and I’m waiting for the part of FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!

Director’s Voice: No, it’s “Iceman.”

Bobcat Goldthwait: ICEMAN?! [ he screams ]

[ return to Harvey Fierstein’s audition ]

Harvey Fierstein: The last line in the movie is, uh, “You can ride my tail any time”? Guys! That’s, like, my mantra.

[ cut to “Top Gun” product footage ]

Announcer: Own it today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1


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11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories:

President Obama, on Monday, defended his new proposed tax rate for millionaires, saying: “This is not class warfare, it’s math.” Which is unfortunate, since America is way better at warfare than math.

During a speech in New York on Tuesday, Governor Rick Perry criticized President Obama’s stance toward Israel, calling it “naïve, arrogant, misguided and dangerous.” Which is odd because I thought that was Perry’s campaign slogan.

On Tuesday, which was the day that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” officially ended, Marine officials went to gay community centers to recruit new troops. Gay community centers? Oh! Gyms! They went to gyms.

Facebook, on Thursday, announced a major change to its interface called “Timeline,” which will let users share pictures and videos in real time. Because we’ve all been thinking: “Come at me FASTER, other peoples’ sonograms!”

British consumers say they are confused by new terms the fashion industry is using these days, such as “spants” and “swacket”. While American consumers are confused by fashion terms like “medium” and “small”.

Forbes released their annual list of the 400 richest Americans, with Bill Gates at the top of the list with $59 billion. Man, it really is amazing how much money you can save when you cut your own hair!

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s Fall… and here to talk about what’s exciting at the movies this season, is an old friend — Mr. Tony Bennett!

Tony Bennett: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hit it, fellas!

[ big band music begins to play ]

[ singing ]
“I like things that are great!
Movies are fantastic!
But one thing’s for sure —
I like flicks… that are greaaaaaat!
Yeah!”

Thank you! Thank you! Thanks a whole helluva lot! Seth, what a great, great desk!

Seth Meyers: Well, you know, uh — welcome to “Weekend Update”, Tony!

Tony Bennett: Seth, you look great. You were a suit like Marilyn wore a dress — everything’s pooling in the right place!

Seth Meyers: Ah, thanks! I worked out a lot this summer with Anderson Cooper.

Tony Bennett: That guy has got SNOW on the roof, and FIRE in the oven!

Seth Meyers: [ shaking it off ] I understand you like going to the movies.

Tony Bennett: Seth, let me tell you: Sitting in the dark next to a pretty girl sporting a great shape, and scarfing down some CHARLESTON CHEWS! Call me a happy clam!

Seth Meyers: So who is your favorite actor these days?

Tony Bennett: That Ryan Gosling sure is the toast of the town. But you know who I’d love to see on the Silver Screen again? JOHN GARFIELD! He left us too soon when he croaked on top of a chick-for-hire. He was a great, great, Jewish leading man. I used to call him my HE-BRO!

Seth Meyers: So what are your favorite films — what are your favorite films so far this Fall?

Tony Bennett: Well, one movie that is really knocking it out of the park… is “CONTAGION”!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that one looks good. Is it scary?

Tony Bennett: Oh, I jumped once or twice, but there was a stray tuxedo tomcat running under the seats and he really scared the BEJEEBUS BECHRISTMAS out of me! He was a great, great cat. I wanted to SNATCH HIM UP!! I hope he found a home.

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] So… “Contagion” is good or bad?

Tony Bennett: I’ll tell you — I’ll tell you, Seth, what the scariest one out there right now — “WAIT UNTIL DARK”!! Audrey Hepburn is STONE-COLD BLIND!! I dated a blind girl way back when — she had a SEEING-EYE MYNA BIRD!! It just sat on her shoulder and told her where to go! Bobby Darin and I once played a joke on her: He wore my cologne, and I watched them slow-dance and had to giggle into my dinner! She was as blind as a bat with a blindfold on, but, boy, that gal could dance! She was a great, great blind woman.

Hey, Seth! Hold that thought about Bobby Darin and me tag-teaming that poor sightless lady… [ he holds up a product ] I gotta toast our sponsor: POISE PADS!! You know, sometimes — sometimes when gals get older, they have trouble in the Number One Department. That’s why POISE PADS from KIMBERLY CLARK are just what the doctor ordered. When you got a DRIBBLE IN YOUR TRIBBLE!! I once had a woman come up to me after a concert at the Mohegan Sun, and I looked down and her culottes were DRENCHED!! Seth… Seth…

Seth Meyers: Yeah?

Tony Bennett: Seth, I took the woman to the Urgent Care to give her bladder a look-see — six hours later, the doctor walked in and said, “Mr. Bennett… it’s a boy.”

Seth Meyers: Are there any other movies you’ve seen? Like in the 2000’s?

Tony Bennett: I love the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of “STORAGE WARS”!!

Seth Meyers: That’s a TV show.

Tony Bennett: And I love “The Smurfs”.

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Tony Bennett: I haven’t seen one go that blue since I went to BARBARA & DON RICKLES’ HOUSE for THANKSGIVING!! He gave the turkey lady-doctor exam, and I laughed ’til I cried! Then I just cried tears of joy, because that’s the holiday that always gets me, Seth. ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE!!

Seth Meyers: The great Tony Bennett, everybody!

Patti Stanger, the star of Bravo’s “Millionaire Matchmaker,” said this week that New York City women are “wound tight” and that they should “loosen up.” Oh, sure, but when I say it, I’m “harassing the dancers”.

A man in Minnesota was arrested for allegedly stealing Freon from a neighbor’s air conditioner and inhaling the chemical to get high. I don’t know where in Minnesota this was, but I’m guessing Rock Bottom.

An artist in England is selling jewelry crafted from human hair. She says the jewelry is just a way to support herself while she pursues her true passion: murdering people for hair.

A crew member on the new “Charlie’s Angels” show was fired Wednesday after he smacked star Minka Kelly on her rear end. In his defense, she had just done a really good job.

Ted Haggard, the disgraced Evangelical pastor who admitted to having a homosexual affair, is set to appear on a new ABC reality series “Celebrity Wife Swap.” Haggard signed on to the show before he found out you have to swap your wife for another wife.

PETA announced plans this week to launch a new porn website to help raise awareness about veganism by mixing images of naked woman and animal suffering. The worst part is at least one guy somewhere heard that and went “Finally! Yes!”

Several supermarket chains around the country have begun phasing out the self-service checkout machines, after studies showed that human cashiers were faster. And if you had asked me which humans would finally defeat the Machines, I would not have guessed supermarket cashiers.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 1st, 2011

Melissa McCarthy

Lady Antebellum

None

None

None

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary: Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Autumn season with a performance by Eugene Duelox (Taran Killam), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) and her muscular cousin Gert (Melissa McCarthy).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Shirley, Nancy, Toni.

Montage

Melissa McCarthy’s MonologueSummary: Melissa McCarthy enlists help from Kristen Wiig to show off a series of perfect dance moves.

Lil PoundcakeSummary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.

Transcript

ArleneSummary: Desperate Arlene (Melissa McCarthy) hits on Tim (Jason Sudeikis) at the office and sends flowers and balloons to herself with hopes of making him jealous.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Cops (Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) find solitude in their desk work by listening for musical sounds at the office and opening fire on members of the Blue Man Group (Fred Armisen, Paul Brittain).

The Comments SectionSummary: Formerly anonymous Internet posters (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Melissa McCarthy) relive their snarky comments and are confronted by one of their online targets (Nasim Pedrad).

Transcript

Rock’s WaySummary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.

Note: This piece was cut from last week’s season premiere.

Transcript

Lady Antebellum performs “We Owned The Night”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Gaddafi’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) whisper more secrets about him while attempting to praise their friendship with him. Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) comments on his status as the richest entertainer on the Forbes’ list.

Recurring Characters: Gaddafi’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up, Tyler Perry.

Focus GroupSummary: As part of a focus group sampling new Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing flavors, Linda (Melissa McCarthy) desperately tries to get her opinions of the production heard and recorded.

The Essentials with Robert OsborneSummary: Film raconteur Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents a series of clips featuring 1930’s actress Lulu Diamonds (Melissa McCarthy) repeatedly falling down stairs in rapidly-produced romantic comedies.

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.

Lady Antebellum performs “Just A Kiss”

ComplaintsSummary: Don (Andy Samberg) tries to pick up Lana (Melissa McCarthy) in a bar, despite receiving a barrage of complaints from all of his past conquests while in the process.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Governor Christie Press ConferenceSummary: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan) is unable to persuade the public why he has no interest in running for President of the United States.

Past BedtimeSummary: John Lithgow (Taran Killam) presents a scene in which a dad (Jason Sudeikis) orders his daughter (Vanessa Bayer) and her friends (Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy) to quit dancing and go to bed, thus creating the inspiration for the film “Footloose”.

Transcript

Netflix ApologySummary: Netflix founders (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) apologize for their recent bad policy changes, then proceed to make more inane policy changes.

al-Qaeda Leadership MeetingSummary: Several high level al-Qaeda operatives (Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) are reluctant to accept their terrorist organization’s highest postion after longtime leader Anwar al-Awlaki’s death by drone plane one day earlier.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

Frozen Mexican DinnerSummary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.

The Devin Avery ShowSummary: Dr. Devin Avery’s (Kenan Thompson) method of siding with the most emotional experiences satisfies his producer (Vanessa Bayer), but gives no resolve to his guests (Melissa McCarthey, Bill Hader, Abby Elliott) nor helps his advice contributor (Fred Armisen).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts:


  Season 37: Episode 2:

11b: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

Arlene

Arlene….Melissa McCarthy
Tim….Jason Sudeikis
Kyle….Bill Hader
Delivery guy….Jay Pharoah
Co-worker….Kenan Thompson:

[Office building]

[Cut to inside an office. A handsome guy walks into the office]

Tim: Morning guys. How are you doing?

[Arlene at her desk, is a frumpy, feisty, overweight gal with glasses]

Arlene: Hey, hey good morning Tim. Hey….

Tim: [sits] How are you doing Arlene? How is it going?

Arlene: [flirty] I tell you this. It’s getting better now, Tim. It’s getting a lot better now.

Tim: If you say so. All right. [Arlene slides her chair next to Tim bumping him] Good morning.

Arlene: Hey, good morning. Is good now.[horny as hell] You know, I made a pretty intensely hot pot of coffee that I wanted to know if you wanted to get into with me, make it my body, just hot and sweaty and then that coffee…you like your coffee pretty hot ? You like that? Yeah? You like it hot Tim?

Tim: [embarrassed] No. Not really Arlene. Thank you.

[Kyle is a nerdy guy with a ponytail]

Kyle: I like my coffee hot, Arlene.

Arlene: Shut up, Kyle! Just shut up. Hey, Tim?

Tim: Yeah?

Arlene: Somebody left a personalized “I love u” mug on my desk last night. You have any idea who might have left ….[extremely close to Tim] who left that mug…who left that mug all up on my desk?

[Arlene rubs her titties with Tim’s tie]

Tim: Place of business, place of business, Arlene. I know it wasn’t me. I know that, I know that.

Arlene: Ok. [Arlene goes back to her desk, slides her chair] He does protest too much, he does protest too much! You know who said that? “He does protest too much”

Tim: Yeah, it was Hamlet.

Arlene: Wrong! Shakespeare….Shakespeare.

[Delivery guy brings colored helium balloons and a balloon pony]

Delivery guy: Got some balloons for Arlene?

Arlene: Oh, man! That’s me. Thanks, man. You know what Tim? [slides next to Tim with the balloons and pony in her hands] I gotta tell you, I like that when you see something you like, that you just go after it. Say, I like that.[feels her body up, including her crotch]

Tim: Come on, come on! If I do that I’d be in so much trouble.

Arlene:[all over Tim] Not with me. You’d get in trouble but with your pants off.

Tim: Arlene, I appreciate…

Arlene: Hey, wait a minute! Tim? Is this you? [looking into the balloon pony’s genitals] Are you my Italian stallion?

Tim: I’m not, I’m not Arlene, I’m not….[Arlene blows into the balloon pony’s dick]

Arlene: You like that? You like a quiet whisper?

Tim: My ears should be up there. I wouldn’t be able to hear that down there. No, I’m not even Italian. I’m actually Polish and Ukrainian.

Arlene: You know what? I like that mix. I like that mix. Kind of two messed up countries. I like that, man. I gotta call, I gotta call all my sexual partners. [grabs Tim’s phone, dials] Boop, boop, boop, boop[presses her boobs]

Tim: Use your own phone. You don’t have to make the noises!

Arlene: Yes you do, man! You do when it’s like that. Bro, you got competition cause this guy is game on. [hangs up]

Co-worker: Arlene, could you keep it down, please? We’re working here.

Arlene: Yeah, I’m working. I’m working on the lady boner that this one here put in my pants.

Tim: Come on.

Arlene: You put it there, you put it there. [kisses Tim’s shoulder, sniffs him]

Tim: Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Please, come on Arlene! Ok?

Arlene: Tim, I’m gonna say this and I want you to get it. When you have this.[slaps her chest] Just open up. I like it, I’m into it, and I want you to just go.

Tim: No, Arlene….

Arlene: Just do it, just do it.

Tim: I’m happily married.[shows ring] I have kids, ok?

Arlene:[makes like throwing away the ring] Whoosh!

Tim: No. It’s still there. Ok, look. [slaps balloon pony away]Ok,look, there’s nothing going on between us. Never has been, never will be.

Arlene: Ok, I think you’re wrong but I don’t want to make things weird. So, I just want to back off a minute, let you think about it.[back to her desk, points to the ceiling] Hey, what is that? Oh my God! What is that?

Tim: What is what?

[seductive electronic music, Arlene dances lasciviously next to Tim, she takes the ribbon and rubs it back and forth between her legs, she humps the balloon pony , rides the pony, slaps her ass, puts Tim’s hands on her ass]

Tim: [mortified] No, I’m not doing that! I’m not doing that! Stop it! I can’t do that! Please, please—don’t—we can’t do this anymore—stop it!

[Arlene kisses the balloon pony deep in the mouth, licks him]

Tim: Arlene, stop! Please, Arlene you gotta stop. No, no—do not.[takes the balloon pony away and the balloons and turns off the music] Ok Arlene, nothing is gonna happen between us, ok? Nothing.

Arlene: Sorry, I’m sorry. Now I’m embarrassed. I sent all these things to myself. Please don’t look at me. [pops the balloons with her fists, puts them under her shirt] Stop looking at me! Stop looking! Stop looking at me!

Tim: Ok, just–you don’t have to put them there.

[Arlene puts more balloons under her shirt and pops them, one balloon doesn’t pop and she throws herself violently against her desk popping it loud]

Tim: Don’t—I hope that was a balloon, I hope that was a balloon. Ok.

Arlene: Sorry.

Tim: It’s ok.

[Delivery guy enters again]

Delivery guy: Arlene, looks like you got some flowers too. [gives her a bunch flowers]

Tim: Arlene? Seriously, flowers? That’s really sad, that’s really sad.

Arlene: No, man. I sent the other stuff to myself, yeah, but I didn’t do this, I promise I didn’t—

Kyle: I sent them to you.

Arlene: Kyle? Why?

Kyle: I want to be with you Arlene.

Arlene: You–you—you are totally out of my league. That’s the only reason I went for Tim.

Tim: What the hell is that suppose to mean?

Arlene: Tim, shut up. Kyle, you’re like a model, man.

Kyle: A ponytail model. Is not a big deal.

Arlene: It is a big deal.

Kyle: I always loved you, Arlene.

Arlene: I don’t know what to say.

Kyle: [points] Hey, what’s that?

Arlene: I don’t see….

[ seductive electronic music plays, Kyle and Arlene dance with lust, Arlene clears Tim’s desk and Kyle humps her with gusto]

Tim: You broke my phone again.

Arlene: Yeah! Yeah!

[cut to outside the office]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts