Category: 2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Mayan Calendar

Chief #1…..Fred Armisen
Chief #2…..Bll Hader
Teklameck…..Charles Barkley
Chief #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Chief #4…..Andy Samberg
Kukuya…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Mayan Calendar…..Paul Brittain

[ open on stock photo of Mayan temples ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “In the fifth century BC, the ancient people of Mesoamerica created the most accurate and sophisticated system for measuring time that the world had ever seen.”

“This is the story of the Mayan calendar.”

[ dissolve to ancient Mayans at the Council of the Chiefs ]

Chief #1: Thank you, everyone, for having us at the Council of the Chiefs.

Chief #2: We believe our new invention will change lives for ALL Mayans.

Chief #1: We call it… the Mayan Calendar. [ he unveils the round chiseled rock ]

Teklameck: What the hell is a “calendar”?!

Chief #1: Good question. A calendar is a way to measure time. It marks years… it marks months… it marks days.

Teklameck: When’s my birthday?!

Chief #1: Your birthday? I don’t know, uh… what time of year were you born?

Teklameck: At the end of the rainy season!

Chief #1: Okay, then… it’s somewhere… [ he moves his hand around the rock and stops ] here.

Teklameck: Where’s today?

Chief #1: [ pointing toward the bottom of the rock ] We’re right here.

Teklameck: Well… y’all missed my birthday. Y’all owe me a bunch of presents.

Chief #3: [ laughing ] Yeah! We do owe you some presents!

Teklameck: You know what I want?

Chief #1: What?

Teklameck: A little loincloth. [ BOM laughs ] This one rises up in the front.

Chief #4: [ laughing ] Yeah! We noticed!

Chief #1: Hey, come on, guys! Can we get back to the calendar? I want to describe it.

Chief #3: Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess I have a question, too.

Chief #4: Yeah, me, too! Me, too!

Chief #1: Guys, we can’t do everybody’s birthdays! We HAVE to move on! [ BOM and ANS lower their hands ] Okay, thank you. Now, uh, with this system, uh, we can assure that people will NEVER be late anywhere. They will always be on time.

Chief #3: [ pointing to CB ] I got a feeling some people still might be late! [ he laughs ]

Teklameck: Hey, watch it! Actually… he’s right. I’ll still be late!

Chief #3: Yeah!

[ they all laugh ]

Chief #1: Come on! Guys! Please! Focus, okay? Let me show you how it works. It’s very simple. [ he puts on reading glasses ] There are, uh, 20-day weeks rotating through 8 solar sequences, with very easy-to-remember names like Muluk… Ajaw… Chuwen!

Teklameck: No offense — this is confusing.

Chief #1: I’m sorry. Do you think you could do better?

Teklameck: How about this? What if we just did it like this: 12 months in a year… 7 days in a week, that we call things like “Monday”, “Tuesday”, “Wednesday”. Mayve slap a couple of rest days at the week’s end.

Chief #1: Okay, rest days at the week’s end — what would we even call that?

Teklameck: Man, I don’t know! How about… “The weekend”?! This is YOUR job!

[ Chief #3 and Chief #4 express their satisfaction with the weekend concept ]

Chief #2: That’s a lot of changes…

Chief #1: Yeah, we put a lot of work into this, Teklameck!

Teklameck: Yeah, but we can still improve it. It’s not like it’s set in STONE!

Chief #1: Nooo… it is. It is set in stone. We carved it in!

Kukuya: [ enters, clearing his throat and holding up carving tools ] Uh — we?

Chief #1: I’m sorry! Kukuya carved it! You get what I meant!

Kukuya: Oh, I get it alright! [ he steps away ]

Chief #1: He’s mad.

Chief #2: He is mad.

Teklameck: [ sighs ] Alright, how about this: We need a calendar that teaches you a new word for every day. It would be educational, and it would be FUN!

Chief #2: We’re not changing it.

Chief #3: Yeah! I-I-I certainly wouldn’t say no to seeing a different little cat every day.

Chief #4: Oh! You know what calendar is really cool? The Aztec calendar!

Chief #1: Oh, come on, man! We’re right here!

Chief #2: Not cool!

Teklameck: Let me ask you a question: Does this thing go on forever?

Chief #1: No, no. The, uh, Maya calendar ends in 2012.

Chief #3: [ confused ] But… then you make a new one?

Chief #1: No. Because the… world will end in 2012.

Chief #2: Streets will run with BLOOD. Land will be swallowed by the SEA!

Teklameck: Man, you just ran out of space and STOPPED, didn’t you?!

Chief #1: NO! That is NOT the case!

Teklameck: That’s a LIE!!

Chief #1: Okay, yes… you got us. We ran out of space…

Chief #2: It’s not our fault. This guy didn’t carve a big enough circle…

Kukuya: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! I went off of YOUR drawing! Y-y-you know what?! [ he throws his tools down ] I’M OUT!! CARVE YOUR OWN ROCKS!!

Chief #2: He’s mad… he’s really mad…

Chief #3: Wait! Aren’t you worried that people in the future are actually gonna be afraid that the world will end?

Chief #1: I can’t worry about people in the future! Okay? I have my girlfriend, I have my job…

Chief #4: Oh, look — the sun’s going down.

Chief #3: Oh! We gotta go sacrifice a virgin!

Teklameck: Who’s up today?

Chief #4: Metzel.

Teklameck: Metzel? Well, they can go and sacrifice Metzel… but Metzel ain’t no virgin!

[ they all high-five one another and laugh ]

Chief #1: Alright, we gotta see that. Meeting’s over, let’s get out there!

[ they all run off, as the camera zooms in on the face at the center of the Mayan calendar ]

Mayan Calendar: [ sighs ] Oh, well… there they go. I get that I’m a complicated calendar, but you know what? We all are. I mean, think about it, right? Anyway… Happy Birthday, everybody. Now get out of here!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Thank you! THank you very much! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. This is my third trip hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I bet none of you thought I’d do it three times. But that’s okay — I did. I bet Scottie Pippen, and now he owes me $75,000! I’m so happy the NBA strike is over. The strike was a comp — it was complicated. It had so many sides to it. But, in a nutshell, the problem is: Ever since I left, the NBA’s been crap, and everybody’s broke. The end!

[ the audience cheers ]

Thank you. Some of you mgiht be looking up and saying, “Sir Charles looks less… less gigantic.” Thank you very much! As you might have heard, I teamed up with Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 38 pounds. [ the audience cheers ] Yep! 38 pounds! Or, as I like to think of it — one Muggsy Bogues. Now, why did I lose the weight? Well, when I was playing for the Sixers in the 80’s, reporters called me the Round Mound of Rebound. It made me think. And 25 years later, I decided to do something about it. Some of you might be saying, “Charles, isn’t Weight Watchers for ladies?” But I tell them, “Shut up, Michael Jordan!” Oh, and congrats on your engagement — that’s gonna go great, Mike! [ he laughs ] Seriously, though — I have no problem endorsing a feminine product. That reminds me: I have a new line of clothes at Ann Taylor.

[ reveal ad slide: “Ann Taylor, Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights” ]

Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights, a line of casual, contempo pantsuits for the working woman. The point is: Weight Watchers worked for me. I feel great, except for one thing: I am so hungry! I am starving! So please forgive me if I might eat one of you tonight. Y’all all look like turkey legs to me. [ he points into the audience ] Especially you.

But we have a great show for you tonight. A turkey leg named Kelly Clarkson is here. I’m gonna cover her in butter and gobble her up. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Shaquille O’Neal…..Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Kenny Smith…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on commentators seated at broadcast desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Hello, and welcome to “Inside the NBA”! I’m Ernie Johnson. With me, as always, is Kenny “The Jet” Smith…

Kenny Smith: Ha ha! Hey da!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Mr. Charles Barkley…

Charles Barkley: Hey, great to be here, E.J.!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Tonight, we welcome the newest member of the TNT family — Superman himself, Shaquille O’Neal!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] It’s me. Shaq. I’m here now. I’m on TV. I’m Shaq.

Charles Barkley: Man! Shaq, you gotta ENUNCIATE! You make me sound like Sidney Porti-errrr!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Ooh, Shaq! You got burned!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys, settle down. You promised me that this year you would cool it with the hijinks and the pranks and focus on BASKETBALL, okay? [ something whizzes past his face ] Hey, what was that?

Charles Barkley: Oh. Kenny just dared me to throw a piece of baloney at Shaq’s head.

Shaquille O’Neal: [ not seeing the baloney on his forehead ] Ha ha — too bad you missed!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ shaking his head ] We’re off to a great start. Let’s look at some scores. [ show scoreboard ] Tuesday, the Memphis Grizzlies defeated the Minnesota Timberwolves, 90 to 86 — a combined 20 points for Tony Allen. Charles, what are your thoughts on Memphis?

Charles Barkley: Oh, Memphis? I LOVE Memphis! One time I was there with Karl Malone, and we got so drunk we hijacked a riverboat and made them turn it into a casino! And then we dared Akima Hakeem Olajuwon to fight an alligator to the death, and I lost fifty grand betting on the alligator!

Shaquille O’Neal: Yeah. Memphis is a good one. One time I was there… I had ribs.

Charles Barkley: [ throws his hands in the air ] That’s it?! Shaw, that story was turr-bull! The only thing worse than that story is your neck beard! I mean, it looks like your big fat head is casting a shadow! And why is it so low?! Is it running away from the rest of your face?

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Yeah, Shaq! You look like an Amish Mr. Clean!

[ Barkley laughs ]

Shaquille O’Neal: [ fuming ] Yeah? Well, you’re BALD!!

Charles Barkley: You bald, TOO, dummy! We’re ALL bald!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Okay, I know how to solve this! Golf cart racing!

Charles Barkley: Yeah! Golf cart racing! Golf cart racing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No! This is a professional television show, guys! [ they all boo ] Yeah, boo me! Boo me! I love it! [ continuing ] In an earlier game tonight, the Sacramento Kings beat ‘Waukee Bucks, 103 to 100, amid rumors that DeMarcus Cousins demand that his coach be fired! Interesting.

Charles Barkley: Okay, Ernie, you want some basketball analysis? Well, I think DeMarcus Cousins… [ he reaches down for a prop ]

Kenny Smith: Uh-oh! Uh-oh, here we go!

Charles Barkley: [ putting on baby bonnet ] is a little baby!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Baby hat! He got a baby hat! Baby hat in the house!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] I had to wear a baby bonnet once — when I was a baby.

[ everyone stares at him ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my God, Shaq! What is going on with your stories? You are the most BORING person I’ve ever met — and I know ERNIE!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Heyyy! What!

Kenny Smith: Hey, well, at least Shaq got FOUR championship rings!

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, he got four rings — and it sounds like they all stuck in his throat!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: If you’re just joining us — if you’re just tuning in — this show is about basketball. So let’s look at the week’s scoring leaders. [ Golf Cart Races graphic appears ] Wait, what’s this?

Kenny Smith: It’s the times of last night’s gold cart races! I beat Shaq by EIGHT seconds!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, why is there an asterisk next to your time, Charles?

Charles Barkley: Uh, because I got arrested. Luckily, I’m Charles Barkley… so I told a couple of stories, took a couple photos, and they let me go.

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s because people love you, Charles Barkley. [ he winks ]

Charles Barkley: That’s right. That is true.

Kenny Smith: Okay, here’s an idea: Let’s see who can stand on one foot the longest. Let’s do that.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No, no, let’s not. Come on, now why do you guys hate to talk about basketball so much?

Charles Barkley: ‘Cause we PLAY basketball! We don’t want to TALK about it! It would be like you talking about shopping for ugly ties!

Kenny Smith: Exactly!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can I at least get your predictions for the late game?

Shaquille O’Neal: [ rubbing crystal ball ] I have a prediction… [ lightining flashes ] for I am the Great Shaqradamus.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Who’s giving him all these props?

Shaquille O’Neal: I will predict that Charles Barkley gonna be FAT again. He’ll be so fat, he’ll star in “Fat” — [ correcting himself ] “Free Willy 2”.

Charles Barkley: First of all, Dummy — there was already a “Free Willy 2”! But I’d rather be in “Free Willy 2” than “Kazaam 1”! Shaq, I wouldn’t see your movies if they were playing in my eyelids!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Your movies! On his eyelids! Plus a baby hat! Oh, no!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ chuckling ] We’re all black friends! [ silence ] Alright, let’s take a break. When we return, I’ll try to show some highlights, while Charles tries to eat a hundred Saltines in one minute.

Charles Barkley: Oh, Ernie, Ernie! Shaq is asleep.

[ Shaq is snoring ]

Kenny Smith: Oh, man — quick! We need a glass of warm water, whipped cream…

Charles Barkley: A ping-pong ball…

Kenny Smith: Some lipstick…

Charles Barkley: A tennis racquet…

Kenny Smith: A string…

Charles Barkley: Syrup…

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Okay, guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Three eggs…

Charles Barkley: Some sawdust…

Kenny Smith: A live monkey…

Charles Barkley: Let’s get some eggs…

[ cut to program graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Goodnights

…..Ben Stiller

Ben Stiller: Alright. This has been one of the CRAZIEST weeks of my life, I had an AMAZING time! Thanks, everybody. Thanks to Foster the People! [ the crowd cheers ] Hugh Jackman! Kenny G! Everybody, thank you very much. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Hank Williams, Jr.

Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason Sudeikis

[ fade from SNL Digital Short to SNL’s house band, featuring Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Are you ready for a commercial?
They gonna sell you stu-u-u-u-uff!
There’ll be one for cars, there’ll be one for beer!
You know you want to run out and buy them!

So don’t change the channel, everything’s alright!
All my rowdy friends are here on Saturday Night!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Mitt Romney Press Conference

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Republican #1…..Bill Hader
Republican #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Republican #3…..Taran Killam
Republican #4…..Paul Brittain
Republican #5…..Kristen Wiig
Republican #6…..Vanessa Bayer
Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span slide ]

Announcer: We go now to Washington, D.C., where Mitt Romney is taking a question from top Republican fundraisers.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Uh, it’s such an honor to be addressing you tonight. You’re the backbone of the Republican party, and I think we all agree it’s time for change. Alright? I-I-I-I hope I have your support. Any questions? [ pointing ] Yes?

Republican #1: You were saying recently that America needs a leader who will return it to its position as the strongest nation on Earth.

Mitt Romney: Uh… yes.

Republican #1: Who do you think that leader is?

Mitt Romney: Uh, well… obviously, I, you know, think it’s me!

Republican #1: Yeah, but… let’s say you could pick anyone. Not just the candidates who’ve announced.

Mitt Romney: Well, I-I-I-I would still pick me. I- I think I have the experience, both in the private sector and the government to lead the country at this critical time. [ he points ] Yes, you.

Republican #2: The deadline for candidates to file to be eligible is October 31st.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. That’s right.

Republican #2: Would you be in favor of pushing that deadline back to give the party more time to find a viable candidate?

Mitt Romney: Well, obviously, I think I’m a viable candidate. I mean, I’m not just a guy who runs for president because I can afford to.

Republican #2: Oh! [ she twirls her eyes ] Okay.

Mitt Romney: [ pointing ] Uh — yes. You.

Republican #3: Uh, this Tuesday, Gov. Chris Christie announced he would not seek the Republican nomination. Uh… have you considered calling him and trying to convince him to run?

Mitt Romney: Why would I do that?

Republican #3: Uh… he’s a great candidate? [ he chuckles ] We were all gonna vote for him! Right?

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay, now, look, look, look! I know that Gov. Christie was a fun personality with a LOT of charisma. But I assure you… the more you get to know Mitt, the more fun you’re gonna have! [ pointing ] You!

Republican #4: Uh, yeah — are we gonna have Hoagie Friday?

Mitt Romney: [ confused ] I’m sorry?

Republican #4: Hoagie Friday. Uh, Gov. Christie said he would have Hoagie Fridays! He said we were a bunch of meatballs, uh… so we should all get meatball hoagies! [ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Uh — I’m sure we could get some food in here. What do you people like? huh? What do you like, buttered bread? [ no response ] You guys want some buttered bread?

Republican #4: You know what? Just… just forget it.

[ Republican #5 rises next to him ]

Republican #5: [ quickly ] You’re not Chris Christie, and you never will be!

[ the crowd murmurs their agreement ]

Mitt Romney: Okay! Look! Okay, I’m about to get ANGRY! Okay? And not regular angry — we’re talking MORMON Angry! I mean, you’re gonna start hearing words like “Shucks!”, “Fudge!”, and the biggie: ” Cheese and crackers!” Now, I know I have shortcomings, okay? I’m plainspoken… I’m a little stiff… and my voice sounds like a black comedian doing a white guy voice. But I’m the man now! So do we have any questions about the election at hand? [ he points ] Yes — you!

Republican #6: Um — how do write-in votes work? Seriously — if we all wrote in “Chris Christie” and he won, he would have to be president, right/

Mitt Romney: [ angry ] Awwwww… HECK IT ALL! Heck it all to FUDGE!!

[ Chris Christie leans in ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Heyyyy, easy, everybody!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: [ flattered ] Oh, look at this! I didn’t realize there was a MEATBALL CONVENTION in town!

[ the crowd laughs ]

Mitt Romney: Ah ha ha ha. Thank you for that.

Gov. Chris Christie: Okay, now listen up! You HAVE to start showing Gov. Romney some respect! I mean, how do you think he feels, watching you like everybody more than him?

Republican #5: Governor Christie, we don’t WANT to stay with him! We want you to run!

[ the crowd agrees ]

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna happen! I know you want me to run, but this… [ he accentuates his figure ] This can’t go national! My style works in one place: New Jersey! If I run for President, I gotta go to places like Mississippi — in June!

Mitt Romney: Hmm…

Gov. Chris Christie: I mean, can you picture me in the Mississippi heat in June? Taking questions from some yokel while I breathe like Tony Soprano? [ he wheezes his demonstration ]

Mitt Romney: You alright?

Gov. Chris Christie: It’s not gonna be pretty!

Republican #6: But Romney is so boring!

Gov. Chris Christie: So what? He’s a nice man in a clean suit that wants to be President! Where are your manners? It’s like he took you to a fancy dinner in a nightclub, and you spent the entire night grinding on the sweaty guy from Jersey! You owe him an apology!

Republicans: Sorry.

Gov. Chris Christie: I can’t hear you!

Republicans: SORRY!!

Gov. Chris Christie: Oh… oh, hell! I can’t stay mad at you meatballs! And by the way… wait. Mitt — earmuffs.

Mitt Romney: You got it, Gov! [ he covers his ears ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Look — I’m gonna run in 2016. [ the crowd beams with excitement ] I just can’t do it now. Let’s just say… I gotta make a couple things go away first. Okay? But after this poor bastard loses… [ he points to Romney ] I’ll get a nice head start, I’ll run in four years, it’ll be great! Fat President! Come on, it writes itself!

[ the crowd cheers ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Thank you. Mitt! Earmuffs, off. [ Romney lowers his hands ] They’re all yours.

Mitt Romney: Alright. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate that. Uh — thank you! Alright, so, uh, any mroe questions, you balls of meat? [ the crowd shakes their heads No ] Okay. In that case, I have one more thing I have to say, and I’m pretty excited to say it, so, uh —

[ Chris Christie shoves Romney out of the way ]

Gov. Chris Christie: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Tinyballs

Head Coach (Brad Pitt)…..Taran Killam
Coach #2…..Fred Armisen
Manager (Jonah Hill)…..Bobby Moynihan
Dealer…..Ben Stiller
Player #1…..Jay Pharoah
Player #2…..Paul Brittain

[ open on MPAA card ]

[ dissolve to movie trailer — baseball coach in business meeting ]

Head Coach: You have rich teams… and poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap. And then there’s us.

[ intercut with footage of ballplayers striking out on the field ]

Head Coach: We’ve got to think differently!

Coach #2: differently, how?

[ cut to Coach meeting with Manager in an alley ]

Manager: Your goal shouldn’t be to buy better players. It should be to make better players.

Head Coach: But how?

Manager: with this guy.

[ reveal Dealer ]

Dealer: Hey.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] From the malers of “Moneyball”.

Dealer: What if I told you you don’t need talent or money… and you could still win?

Head Coach: With what? Heart?

Dealer: No. [ he holds up a syringe ] With steroids.

[ the coach mulls it over ]

[ SUPER: “Based On A True Story” ]

[ cut to Coach addressing his new players ]

Head Coach: Gentlemen… we’re going to give you talent.

Player #1: How you gonna do that?

Dealer: We’re gonna inject in your ass.

[ cut to Dealer applying cream to the player’s skin ]

Dealer: This is called The Cream.

Player #1: What does it do?

Dealer: It makes home runs. And it makes your nuts the size of raisins.

Player #1: Wait, what?

Dealer: Don’t worry about it.

[ cut to muscled Player #2 hitting a home run ]

Player #2: I can hit!

[ dissolve to Dealer giving the thumbs-up ]

[ dissolve to Coach #2 yelling at Head Coach ]

Coach #2: People don’t like what you’re doing! You’re threatening the game! Also, some of the players are growing tits.

[ dissolve to Player #1 examining his tits ]

[ dissolve to Dealer and Player #2 high-fiving ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach leaning against net, smiling ]

[ dissolve to Head Coach having breakfast with his daughter ]

Daughter: I’m so proud of you! How are you doing it, Daddy?

Head Coach: We’re cheating, Honey. We’re cheating.

[ his daughter smiles ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] When the odds are against you…

[ dissolve to Player #1 eating his baseball ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] …Change the odds.

[ dissolve to team applauding their victory ]

Head Coach: Nobody believed in us! But we did it OUR way! Yeah!

[ the team cheers wildly, then begin to destroy locker equipment in an uncontrollable rage ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Announcer: “Tinyballs”.

[ dissolve to Player #1 looking at himself beneath towel in the shower ]

Player #1: What’s happening to me?

Dealer: You’re winning.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 15th, 2011

Anna Faris

Drake

None

Nicki Minaj

None

A Message From Michael BloombergSummary: New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) appluds the Occupy Wall Street protestors, but offers them a few words of advice to make sure they all see eye to eye.

Recurring Characters: Michael Bloomberg.

Transcript

Montage

Anna Faris’ MonologueSummary: Anna Faris takes intelligent questions beyond her grasp from the audience, then meets the one woman in the audience (Abby Elliott) who shares her intellect.

The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a cheating husband (Bill Hader) is exposed on camera.

Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.

What’s Wrong With Tanya?Summary: Moms from different Lifetime Network TV-movies are challenged to determine what’s wrong with Tanya prototypes.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blake.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg performs a number of goofy interview concepts with musical guest Drake.

Yet Another GOP DebateSummary: Marriott TV moderates their own version of the GOP debate at their lavish facilities.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul.

Transcript

Drake performs “Headlines”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) mixes up more recent stories. Two teenagers dressed as werewolves (Drake, Jay Pharoah) rap about their new Halloween trend, bag jacking.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino.

Tell HimSummary: 50’s-era teenage girls (Abby Elliott, Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Anna Faris) use the power of song to teach their confused friend (Vanessa Bayer) how to use deception to land a guy in the modern world.

Transcript

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!Summary: Japan-crazed American teenagers (Taran Killam, Vanessa Bayer) get all their cultural facts wrong while purporting to express their love for the Land of the Rising Sun.

Drake and Nicki Minaj perform “Make Me Proud”

Lord WyndemereSummary: Home from college, Debbie (Anna Faris) hopes to impress her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) with her new boyfriend, the foppish, spritely Lord Cecil Wyndemere (Paul Brittain).

Ferrari CalendarSummary: Airheads (Kristen Wiig, Anna Faris) are excited to see the new 2012 Ferrari calendar so they scope out all the hot guys within before their asses explode from the anticipation.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Charlie Rose ShowSummary: Charlie Rose (Bill Hader) discusses Steve Jobs’ legacy with media also-rans Mark Zuckerberg (Andy Samberg), Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad), Reed Hastings (Jason Sudeikis) and Rupert Murdoch (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Mark Zuckerberg, Arianna Huffington, Rupert Murdoch.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

A Message From Michael Bloomberg

Mayor Michael Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen

[ open on title slide ]

Announcer: The following is a message from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

[ dissolve to Bloomberg at podium ]

Mayor Michael Bloomberg: Hello. I’m Michael Bloomberg. Now, before I begin, I hope you all recovered from the traumatic, leaf-rustling earthquake that hit New York this July. Also, I’d like to apologize for all the Hurricane Irene hysteria this summer, but since you were such bitches about the snowstorm last year, you left me no choice.

Tonight I want to address the demonstrations currently taking place in Lower Manhatten, in what’s being called: Operation Wall Street. While these protests began here in New York, they have spread to dozens of other cities throughout the globe, proving once again that New York sets the trends and the world follows. So with all due respect to Chicago, Los Angeles, and London, if you’re looking to vent your rage at a system where the richest 1% controls 40% of the planet’s wealth, there is no better time, and no better place, than Autumn in New York. [ he grins smugly ] The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous. And while you’re here, why not cap off a day of protest with dinner at one of New York’s many world-class restaurants? Or take in a Broadway show like “Mary Poppins”, currently at the New Amsterdam Theater.

Whatever you may have heard, I want to make demonstrators as welcome and as comfortable as possible. Yet, sometimes things do not go as planned. This week my office had arranged to clear the park of protesters so the area could be power washed. The protesters became upset, and some went so far as to suggest that the power washing was simply a ruse to break up the demonstration. Nonsense! As all New Yorkers know, various parts of the city are routinely power washed. Power washing is a New York institution, and, without it, the Big Apple would lose its reputation as the world’s cleanest and most thoroughly sanitized city –- with streets, as the saying goes, “you can eat off!”

Now, even though we have gone to great lengths to make them feel welcome, there have, regrettably, been some clashes between the protestors and law enforcement. Several demonstrators have even been pepper-sprayed. Although these were isolated incidents, on behalf of the city I would like to apologize and to make one thing absolutely clear: All pepper spray used was made from 100% pure cayenne extract, witout any added oil or trans fats and wascompletely salt-free.

now, to the protestors down on Wall Street, let me say something from the heart: The message of the Occupy Wall Street movement should not be trivialized. The wealthiest 1% of this nation does continue to profit outrageously at the expense of the 99. Ordinary people are angry at those on top, and I can well understand why they would occupy their places of business and even demosntrate outside their homes. But here, I’d like to point out something: Despite what you may have heard, I’m not really all that rich. In fact, there are several individuals living here in New York who are far wealthier than myself. People like Hedge Fund billionaire George Soros, who lives at 85th Street and 5th Avenue. Or Jamie Dimon, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase, whose townhouse, I believe, is on Madison between 73rd and 74th. On the left side. And for protestors who are also Yankee fans, angry at the team’s embarrassing loss to Detroit, Alex Rodriguez has a penthouse at Trump Towers. Now, technically, I might be richer than A-Rod, but I think we can all agree he has done less to earn it.

My point is this: Occupy Wall Street, I’m on your side. Come to New York and let your vocie be heard. You’ll treated with respect and diginity by the city and the police, with one caveat: The second, and I mean the second, I see a demonstrator light up a cifgarette, we’re moving in. The batons will come out and the badge numbers will come off. and if you think I’m joking, go ahead — make my day!

Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 4

11d: Anna Faris / Drake

Yet Another GOP Debate

Sandy Schaub…..Vanessa Bayer
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Marriott TV logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Marriott Tv., the in-room guide to everything our hotel has to offer. Up next: Live from Conference Room 5 in the Cedar Falls Courtyard Marriott, it’s… “Yet Another GOP Debate”.

[ dissolve to Conference Room 5 ]

Sandy Schaub: Hello! I’m Sandy Schaub, from Marriott TV. Welcome to the second of two GOP debates this week. The first of which was televised by Bloomberg TV, while tonight’s debate takes place on the only channel tune in to less. As a reminder to the canddiates: No one is watching, so the stakes are low. We have rearranged the seating from past debates, based on the most recent polling results and, therefore, the likelihood of each candidate winning the nomination. In the center, the new leader in the polls: Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: [ he shrugs ] I’m as surprised as YOU!

Sandy Schaub: Next to him is former Governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Herman Cain. You guys are KILLING me!

Sandy Schaub: Three seats over, in a chair facing the wall… the fading Rick Perry.

[ Rick Perry turns to smile and hold up his thumb ]

Sandy Schaub: In a locked janitor’s closet are Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and curio from a bygone era Newt Gingrich.

[ Bachmann waves as Gingrich sits there stone-faced ]

Sandy Schaub: Out in the parking garage, it’s Texas congressman Ron Paul.

[ from a distance in the parking garage, Paul waves ]

Sandy Schaub: And, live from a crowded gay bar in the Castro District in San Francisco… Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum: [ visibly uncomfortable ] Very funny!

Sandy Schaub: And John Huntsman couldn’t be here tonight because we gave him the wrong address — on purpose. We begin with governor Romney. Governor, on Monday you received an endorsement from Chris Christie. Then, you outpoerformed your opponents at Tuesday’s debate. Yet, the newest polls show you trailing Herman Cain by as many as fifteen points.

Mitt Romney: Yes.

Sandy Schaub: When are you going to accept that Republicans just don’t like you?

Mitt Romney: Now, look, I — I don’t think they dislike me. I just think they want to exhaust their options. You know, I understand that, before anyone goes home with Mitt Romney, they’re going to take one last lap around the bar to see if there’s anyone better than me. And I’m okay with that. Alright? Go! Go sow your oats. I will wait for you. Yuo be Jenny, and I’ll be your Forrest Gump. Be with as many guys as you want, I will still be here running around the country like an idiot until you come home so I can watch you die. Should’ve left off that last part, I guess!

Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: Yes.

Sandy Schaub: With your rise in the polls, many are taking a closer look at your 9-9-9 plan, and most economists agree it’s an oversimplified, unworkable solution to a complicated financial situation.

Herman Cain: Well, let me explain. I never thought I would be “taken seriously”, so I never thought anyone would “look at it.” The original goal of the 9-9-9 plan was to get me a show on FOX News. At 9:00. But, if America is looking for catchy, unworkable solutions to complicated problems, Herman Cain will keep them coming! How do we fight terrorism? My 5-5-5 plan. Wharever terror is, America will send five airplanes, five soldiers, and five of those dogs that caught Osama Bin Laden. How do we fix health care? The 3-3-3 plan. Every time you get sick, you get three pills, three days off and three chicken noodle soups. Having trouble getting to the airport? Dial 7-7-7 for Caramel Limosine. Don’t hassle with a cab! Vote Herman Cain.

Sandy Schaub: Governor Perry. On Thursday, your wife said you were being brutalized because of your faith. Yet, it was a pastor affilaited with your campaign who recently called Mormonism a cult. What’s going on?

Rick Perry: I think the best way to explain it is… we’re desperate! You know? We’re willing to try anything. Nothing is beneath us right now. You’re gonna see us start playing the mormon card — you know — we’re gonna start playing the race card. Heck, this week, my staff looked into a plan that would FRAME Mitt Romney for a murder in Texas, railroad him through a sham trial, and then, you know… [ he makes electrocution sound effect and laughs ] Though, let me stress, Mitt, this plan never passed the exploratory phase.

Mitt Romney: Ah, that’s okay! I’m INCAPABLE of rage.

Rick Perry: The point is that when you can’t get better, your options are limited. So my promise is this: You haven’t seen the worst of Rick Perry yet!

Sandy Schaub: Let’s go back to the janitor’s closet. Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich. Neither of you are going to win, and you’re starting to waste our time.

Michele Bachmann: That’s fair.

Newt Gingrich: Agreed.

Sandy Schaub: At the end of tonight’s debate, we will unlock the door to your room. Whoever is still standing can come to the next debate. Whoever isn’t is out of the race.

Newt Gingrich: I… I don’t understand…

[ Bachmann slugs him across the face and knocks him to the floor, then jumps up and elbows him rpeeatedly as he screams ]

Sandy Schaub: Herman Cain. Do you think your campaign will be able to withstand the extra scrutiny that comes with being the frontrunner?

Herman Cain: I do not. If I may, let me put it in pizza terms: Nothing beats that first HOT slice of pizza. The second slice is also hard to beat. Yuo see, America is on their second slice of Herman Cain right now. But, unfortunately, there is no such thing as a two-slice pizza. So you will keep STUFFING yourselves full of Herman Cain. Soon, your tummy will be a gassy mess, and you will go to bed and have bad dreams. In the morning, you’ll wake up and say, “Today, I’m eating a nice salad.”

Mitt Romney: Uh, if I may — uh, I believe I can BE that salad. No croutons, no dressing, just lettuce in a bowl. Look, in 2008, America was a place FULL of hope, and Barack Obama was the candidate for that America. Now it’s starting to sink in that there’s NOTHING to be hopeful about. In 2008, America was a vibrant, young peson with thir WHOLE life ahead of them. Now America has a bum knee, uh, an exploded mortgage, and no job. The time for dreaming is over. It’s time to settle. And NOTHING says you’re settling, like Mitt Romney! Barack Obama made America say “Yes, we can!” Well, I think I can make America say “Yes, we can… live with that.”

Sandy Schaub: Rick Santorum. How you doing?

[ surrounded by bulky gay men ] Ba-a-a-a-a-addd!!

Sandy Schaub: And Ron Paul?

[ cut to Paul in the parking garage, as an unmarked van pulls up alongside him ]

Sandy Schaub: It seems like an unmarked van is approaching.

[ men jump out and pull Paul into the back of the van ]

Sandy Schaub: Looks like BAD news for Ron Paul.

[ gunshots echo from inside the van, and the back door opens ]

Sandy Schaub: But, hold on…

[ Paul steps out of the van and dusts off his jacket, as one of the men flops out of the van dead ]

Sandy Schaub: Ron Paul. Not going anywhere. Ideologically pure, and tough as nails. Well, that concludes tonight’s debate. Join us for our next debate, when we basically continue to turn into a season of “Survivor”, where no one is EVER voted off the island.

[ cut to Marriott TV logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts