[ return from commercial to find Fallon (dressed as a Bee) and the cast standing on the ice at the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink ]
Jimmy Fallon: We are live, here at the ice rink at Rockefeller Center in New York City, baby! I want to thank Michael Bublé! Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey! Chris Kattan! Jude Law! Tracy Morgan! Amy Poehler! Horatio Sanz! Lorne! Marci! Ayana! Lindsey! This best cast! The crew! I love you guys! Be nice to people! Uh — hug everyone you meet! Uh — uh — wait a second, what?
Tina Fey: “Merry Christmas!”
Jimmy Fallon: Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Passion New Year! I love you, Mom and Dad and Gloria! I love you, Nancy! Uh — uh — having the best time, love you all! I appreciate it!
[ as the closing theme begins to play, he skates directly toward the camera and everyone else begins to skate around the rink ]
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much! Hey! Thank you so much! Thank you! Yes! I’m so excited! I’m excited to be back and hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Oh, this place means so much to me. All Ive ever wanted my whole life was to be on this show… and to be hosting is just a dream come true, so thank you so much! [ the audience cheers wildly ] And it’s the CHRISTMAS show! [ he picks up his guitar ] I can’t even begin to tell you what it feels like. It’s just — it feels like coming home.
[ he strums his guitar and sings ]
“It’s Christmas, baby… It feels so good to be home.”
[ fake snow begins to fall, as he ramps up his performance ]
“Hey!! Christmas! The snow is coming down! Christmas! I’m watching it fall! All these people around! It’s so good to be home!”
[ he walks past the audience into a back hall ]
Jimmy Fallon: Wow! There’s so many memories! Barry Gibb Talk Show… Debbie Downer… Cowbell! I laughed and ruined ALL those sketches! [ the audience laugh ] Moving on.
[ he leans over toward Kenan, Kristen, Bill and Jason going over last-minute cue card changes ]
Jimmy Fallon: “Hey!! Christmas! They’re checking the cue cards!”
[ he steps past Fred Armisen leaning against the opposite wall ]
Jimmy Fallon: “Christmas! And Fred’s on the phone!”
[ he squeezes through the hall, past Michael Bublé outside his dressing room ]
Jimmy Fallon: “Christmas! Bublé’s doing cocaine!”
Michael Bublé: No, I’m not!
Jimmy Fallon: “It’s so good to be home!
The spirits have walked these halls. Gumby Christmas to Schweddy Balls. Now I’m here to host for you…”
[ Andy Samberg and Vanessa Bayer hop into frame ]
Andy Samberg: “What about a verse for the Jews?”
[ Fallon stops and thinks ]
Jimmy Fallon: Okay!
[ singing ] “Hanukkah! Eight days of presents! Hanukkah! That’s all that I know!”
Andy Samberg: Okay…
[ Fallon turns a corner, as Andy and Vanessa wait a few beats to run back the way they came ]
Jimmy Fallon: “It’s the holiday season! I’m so glad to be home!”
[ he stops ]
Jimmy Fallon: Man… can you feel it, the spirit in here? Can you feel the spirit in the house?! [ the audience cheers ] I love this time of year. Yuo get all cozy, and then you just wait for the white-haired gentleman to give you a gift!
[ Lorne Michaels steps out of the shadow from which he wasn’t very well hidden from camera ]
Lorne Michaels: [ handing Fallon a small gift ] Merry Christmas, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you… thank you, Lorne. [ awkwardly ] I got something for you, too…
Lorne Michaels: [ touched ] Oh!
[ Fallon swipes the gift around his back, then hands it to Lorne with his other hand ]
Jimmy Fallon: Here.
Lorne Michaels: Sweet!
[ Lorne takes his gift and walks away ]
Jimmy Fallon: “1! 2! 3! 4! Christmas! If there was a way! Christmas! For the friends that I know! Christmas! To come back here someday!
Please! Please! Please! Please!
It’s so good to be home! It’s so good to be home! It’s so good! It’s so good! It’s so good!”
Jimmy Fallon: We’ve got a great show! Michael Bublé is here! This great cast is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Horatio Sanz …..Chris Kattan …..Tracy Morgan
FADE IN:
[ RED VELVET CURTAIN ]
[ GRAPHIC: SEASONS GREETINGS FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE ]
Announcer: Seasons Greetings from Saturday Night Live.
[ CURTAIN OPENS ]
[ HORATIO SANZ – holding a C.F. Martin & Co. backpack guitar – JIMMY FALLON, CHRIS KATTAN holding a keyboard and TRACY MORGAN stand at Home Base. All are wearing matching red-striped sweaters. ]
Horatio Sanz: One!
Jimmy Fallon: Two!
Horatio Sanz: One!
Jimmy Fallon: Two!
Horatio Sanz: Three!
Jimmy Fallon: Four!
[ Horatio starts playing the guitar. Jimmy turns on a background melody on the keyboard. Tracy dances in place. ]
Horatio Sanz: [singing] I dont care what you Momma says! Christmas time is near!
Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: [singing] I dont care what your Daddy says! Christmas is full of cheer! All I know is the Santa sleigh! Is making its way to the U-S-of-A!
[ Chris pops his head into frame. ]
Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: [singing] I wish it was Christmas today! I wish it was Christmas today!
[ Jimmy and Chris bob their heads side-to-side. Horatio continues to strum. ]
Horatio Sanz: [singing] I dont care what the neighbors say! Christmas will be here!
Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: [singing] I dont care if they think its a lie! Christmas time is dear! I dont care about anything! As long as those sleigh bells go RING-A-DING-DING! I wish it was Christmas today! I wish it was Christmas today!
[ Jimmy activates various JUNGLE ANIMAL SOUND EFFECTS on the keyboard and Horatio brings the song to its dénouement and conclusion. All bow. ]
Tim Tebow…..Taran Killam Jesus…..Jason Sudeikis Chris Clark…..Kenan Thompson Matt Prater…..Andy Samberg Brian Dawkins…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on final game score footage ]
Sportcaster V/O: Another miracle win for the Denver Broncos, who beat the Chicago Bears by 3 in Overtime. The Broncos have now won 6 in a row behind quarterback Tim Tebow!
[ dissolve to the Broncos applauding Tim Tebow (who is on his knees in prayer) in their locker room ]
Tim Tebow: [ jumping to his feet ] Alright, alright — hey, guys! I want to thank you all for believing in me! I know it started off a little shaky out there, but we pulled it off beause WE STUCK TOGETHER!! [ the team applauds ] And, also, I’ve gotta thank the most important person in my life — my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Because I could NOT do this WITHOUT him! Thank you, Jesus!
[ Tebow drops to his knees again, as smoke rises in the hallway, heavenly music pots up, and Jesus enters the locker room ]
Jesus: Hey, everybody!
[ Tebow rises to his feet in awe ]
Tim Tebow: Jesus! He has risen!!
Jesus: No, no, no, no, no… not really, just a quick visit. So, uh — hey, everybody, take a seat! Go ahead, take a seat. Chill out. [ the team sit upon their benches ] Uh, first of all — You’re welcome! Alright? Yes, I, Jesus Christ am indeed the reason you won your past six football games, okay?
Tim Tebow: [ rushing forward with glee ] I knew it!
Jesus: [ backing up ] Whoa, Tim! Easy! Easy! Hey, buddy — leave a little room for the Holy Ghost, okay?
Tim Tebow: [ excited ] Alright!
Jesus: [ to the team ] Here’s the thing, okay? If we’re gonna keep doing this… you guys gotta meet me halfway out there. I mean, let’s face it — it’s not a good week if every week, I, the Son of God, have to come in, drop everything and bail out the Denver Broncos in the Fourth Quarter, okay? I’m a busy guy!
Tim Tebow: So, wait, wait — you’re only helping in the Fourth Quarter?
Jesus: Ah — yeah. Yeah! Have you watched the game films, Tim, of the first half? I mean, come on! 3 for 16? You know, I could throw better, and I’m 2010 years old, huh? [ he laughs and playfully punches Tebow in the gut ]
Tim Tebow: But I pray to you before every game!
Jesus: Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, and I appreciate that, but, uh, here’s something else you should do before the game, okay? Stretch! You know? Get the arm warm! Read the playbook, alright? Do you read that?
Tim Tebow: [ in all seriousness ] The Holy Bible is my playbook.
Jesus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Oh… great. That’s great… that’s great. But, uh, you need to read the regular playbook, okay? Seriously. I’m doing all the work here.
Chris Clark: Oh, come on. Don’t be so hard on Tim. He’s helping us win!
[ Jesus laughs and sits next to Clark ]
Jesus: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute! No, I know — Tim’s doing his best, Dad bless ’em. Uh — but you know who you should be thanking? Your kicker. Okay? I mean, you don’t win unless this guy hits a 59-yarder. I’m serious, man. Matt Prater? I pray to you, Brother!
Matt Prater: [ in awe ] Wow. You pray to me? I didn’t know that!
Jesus: Well, yeah. You know, uh — that’s because, uh, I’m not in everyone’s face about it. [ he gives a knowing nod to Tebow, as Tebow hangs his head in shame, then bumps heads with him ]
Chris Clark: [ confused ] So, Jesus just spends his time helping people win football games?
Jesus: Well, you know… here’s the thing: [ he crosses his legs, revealing Jersey socks ] I, uh, I just go where people call me the most. You know? Nowadays, that’s a lot of football games… uh, also the Country Music Awards. You know, I decided all of those. Uh — I’m right there at any Black event where food is served.
Chris Clark: Hey, man! [ he playfully punches Jesus in the gut ]
Jesus: [ laughing ] I’m sorry! [ he touches his head ] I’m forgiven! Alright, uh — look. You see, the point is: You guys gotta help yourselves a little. I mean, can you do that for me?
[ the team agrees ]
Jesus: Okay. Alright, now, listen — I can’t be around next week, I got a big birthday coming up, and, uh, I’m kind of tough to shop for. I mean, what do you get for the man who sacrificed everything, right? [ he laughs ]
[ Tebow laughs harder than the rest of the team, right into Jesus’ face ]
Jesus: [holding his arm up ] Easy. Don’t — I don’t need that. It’s a medium joke, at best. I don’t need that, alright? Come on. [ continuing ] So here’s my advice, alright? Just focus up, alright? And you’ll be fine. Alright? Who do you play next?
Tim Tebow: The Patriots.
Jesus: [ alarmed ] Oh, boy… really? Wow! Okay. Did not know that. That’s gonna be a tough one. I mean, hey! It just doesn’t leave this room, but, uh — If I’m the Son of God, then Tom Brady’s gotta be the guy’s nephew. Alright? That guys a miracle worker, okay? Oh! But that, uh, Coach Belichick? Well, lets just say, uh: [ he makes devil horns over his head and shrieks ] So they’re coming at you both ways there, alright? So, uh — anyhoo! [ he stands to leave ] I’m off to a beauty pageant. Okay? Best of luck next week. I’ll try to watch. Uh, Tim? Tim?
[ Jesus motions Tebow forward, and he rushes to get at Jesus’ side ]
Jesus: I love you. Okay?
Tim Tebow: [ trembling ] I love you, too!
Jesus: Okay. Alright. Uh — but just take it down a notch, alright? Will you, buddy?
Tim Tebow: Yes! Whatever you command!
Jesus: Okay, but not a command. Just a request, alright? Uh — great! Well, I gotta catch this cloud, okay? I’ll see you all — [ he suddenly remembers something ] Oh, oh, oh, by the way: Uh — Mormonism? All true. Every single word. Yeah. All right, peace. See you, guys!
…..Seeth Meyers Nicolas Cage….. Andy Samberg …..Jude Law Director…..Paul Brittain …..Jimmy Fallon …..Amy Poehler …..Tina Fey
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Donald Trump, on Tuesday, announced that he is dropping out as moderator for the December 27th Republican Presidential debate. Trump decided to cancel when he learned that the candidates would also be allowed to talk.
Insiders are speculating that Trump dropped out of the debate because he has found a younger, sexier debate.
During Thursdays Republican debate, Governor Rick Perry said that he was confident of his chances saying: Im the Tim Tebow of the Iowa caucuses. But I still dont think the face paint was necessary.
Mitt Romney, who is falling in the polls, on Wednesday began attacking front-runner Newt Gingrich by calling him “zany.” “Oh snap!” said the voice in Mitt Romney’s head.
According to a new census report, nearly 1 out of every 2 Americans has fallen below the poverty line. Which is the invisible line that separates Target from Walmart. That’s what it is. You didn’t know that, but that’s what it is.
Researchers in Japan are planning to use wild monkeys equipped with radiation monitoring devices to study the levels at the Fukushima Nuclear power plant. Well, I think we all know how this ends. [ image: giant radioactive monkey crushing the city ] We watch your movies, Japan!
Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get In The Cage!”, a recurring segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft of their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Jude Law!
Jude Law: Thank you. Thank you. It’s really great to be here, Nic.
Nicolas Cage: Well, that’s very kind of you, Rabbi. Let’s begin! Now, you’re currently in the film “Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows”. Which I am told involve explosions, screaming, and an evil genius hell-bent on destroying the world.
Jude Law: That’s right, I am.
Nicolas Cage: So my FIRST question is: HOW AM I NOT IN THAT MOVIE?!! It has all the classic elements I look for in a movie! 1. It exists. 2. Much like Sherlock Holmes, I am a high-society playboy who moonlights as a cyborg assassin.
Jude Law: I’m sorry, sorry. Have you ever read the Sherlock Holmes books?
Nicolas Cage: No! I never read ANYTHING!! Including the scripts of the movies I’m in! That’s why all my characters always look SO SURPRISED!! I’m finding out plot twists at the EXACT same time as the AUDIENCE!! I STILL can’t believe they took my FACE OFF in “FACE-OFF”!!
Jude Law: Why don’t you just read the scripts?
Nicolas Cage: There’s no TIME!! I’m too busy making a new movie every three days!
Jude Law: That’s impossible.
Nicolas Cage: No, it’s NOT!! In fact… I’m making one right now!
[ Director enters ]
Director: Aaaaand CUT! Okay, that’s a wrap on Nic Cage!
[ he exits ]
Nicolas Cage: Thanks, guys! It was an honor! That movie opens tomorrow in Japan!
Jude Law: Then, you see? what are you worried about? You’re — you’re in a million movies this year. You’re like a psychotic Ryan Gosling.
Nicolas Cage: [ pleased ] That’s high praise. You’re a sweet kid, Judy Blume! But you lack the key qualities of a true movie star. Namely: A shock of brown hair that zigs and zags across my ever-changing browline. Like polarized metal filings, at the cruel mercy of their mother magnet. All perched upon the face of a weathered possum king. [ he smiles ] And ,i>that, my friend, is the TRUE meaning of Christmas!
Jude Law: I’m sorry, really, but how is that the meaning of Christmas?
Nicolas Cage: DON’T SASS ME, HAT!! I have a massive overpriced sword collection, and my blades will cut through you faster than a Whoopi Goldberg fart!
Jude Law: Okay, um — I think I’m ready to get out of the Cage now.
Nicolas Cage: There’s only one way out of the Cage — a fight to the death! Two men enter! Two men and a baby leave!
Jude Law: What?
Nicolas Cage: I don’t have time to argue with you!! And so, I must ride on to my next adventure!
Jude Law: What is that?
Nicolas Cage: [ as the camera zooms on his face ] I’m gonna impregnate the Statue of Liberty!
Seth Meyers: Jude Law and Nic Cage, everybody!
It was reported this week that Sarah Palin has been trying to pitch a new reality series about her husband Todd and his snow mobile racing, but no networks have any interest. Which is a huge burn on Palin, because there’s a whole show thats literally just about shopping with coupons.
One of the hottest books in China is called “Wolf Dad”, which highlights a man’s method of beating his children so that they would get into a good college. You know, like wolves do.
It has been rumored that after Yankees short stop Derek Jeter has a one-night stand with a woman, he sends her home with an autographed baseball. That story again: If you want to see how much sex Derek Jeter is having, you can just go on eBay.
A new study suggests that senior citizens who walk at least 3 miles-per-hour live longer than those who walk more slowly. Because the cheetahs will usually just take down the first one they catch.
A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly having sex with his roommate’s Chihuahua. As he was being taken into custody, the man could be heard yelling: “Tell everyone it was a normal-sized dog!”
According to a new report, the average age when people marry has risen, with most women getting married at 26, and most men getting married at 29, 37 and 54.
Seth Meyers: A strip club in Chicago is offering a free lap dance to patrons that bring in a toy for needy kids. So give a toy to charity, and Charity will give it to the manager.
[ Jimmy Fallon wheels forward ]
Jimmy Fallon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! A strip club giving free lap dances if you bring a toy… and that’s the best you’ve got?
Seth Meyers: You think you can do better?
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, I know I can!
Seth Meyers: Oh, well… you know what this means, don’t you? It’s time for a good old-fashioned…
Together: WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF!!
[ Amy Poehler wheels up to Seth ]
Amy Poehler: Oh… did somebody say we were having a Joke-Off?
[ Tina Fey appears next to Jimmy ]
Seth Meyers: I don’t know if you know the rules. One more time, for everybody: A strip club in Chicago is offering a free lap dance to patrons who bring in a toy for needy children. GO!!
Jimmy Fallon: Beep-boop-boop! The strippers aren’t getting paid for this, they’re doing it pro-boner!
Amy Poehler: Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep! The most popular toy so far is Tickle Me Brenda.
Tina Fey: Bleep-blorp! This strip club is the only place you can pick up a Barbie and a Barbie… and crabs.
Seth Meyers: Beep-beep-boop-boop-boop! So remember, kids — that isn’t Christmas magic, that is stripper glitter.
Jimmy Fallon: Beep-boop-boop-boop-boop! Unlike the strippers, the toys must not be damaged.
Tina Fey: Bing-bong! More than just your heart will grow three sizes that day!
Amy Poehler: Ring-ding-ding-ding-ding! Speaking of heearts, it’s nice to see people doing something out of the goodness of their heart-ons.
Jimmy Fallon: Brrrrrrng-boo-boo-boo! This gives a whole new meaning to the term “toy chest”.
Seth Meyers: Beep-beep-dee-dee-beep! Yes, that’s a Bananagrams in my pocket, and I’m happy to see you.
Tina Fey: Bleep-blorp! Looks like the hottest toy this holiday season is the crumpled 20!
Amy Poehler: A-woo-ga! Deck the halls with balls of bally! no, that’s not good, it doesn’t make any sense…
Jimmy Fallon: A-womp-womp-womp-womp-womp! I’ve got it! The charity is called Toys for Tatas!
[ ding-ding-ding-ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Jimmy and Tina win the crown in the “Weekend Update Joke-Off”! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers…
Male Audience Member…..Bill Hader Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig Announcer…..Paul Brittain Joey the Horse, Jack Jacobson…..Jimmy Fallon Minstrel…..Jason Sudeikis The Boy, Frank Densby…..Andy Samberg German Soldier…..Taran Killam Puppeteer…..Kenan Thompson
[Exterior shot of a theatre with “War Horse” signs]
[the Audience Members take their seats in the audience]
Male Audience Member: [with an English accent] It’s exciting, I can’t believe they brought “War Horse” to our town!
Female Audience Member: [also with an accent] Yes, I heard the movie is fantastic, but I’m so glad we’re seeing the play first.
Male Audience Member: The puppetry’s supposed to be amazing. It takes four puppeteers to operate the horse.
Female Audience Member: It’s so ambitious for a regional theatre!
[The house lights flash]
Male Audience Member: It’s starting.
Announcer: May I have your attention: please silence all cell phones and refrain from talking during the production. Also, in tonight’s performance, the role of the horse, normally played by a puppet and four puppeteers, will be played by Jack Jacobson. Thank you.
Male Audience Member: [frowning in confusion] Wait, what?
Female Audience Member: Did–did he say the horse was being played by a person?
[a trumpet sounds and the boy appears onstage]
The Boy: Where’s my horse? I want my horse! [horse’s hooves are heard offstage] I hear a horse, but I don’t see a horse! I want my horse!
[Jack Jacobson appears, dressed all in brown and imitating the sound of the hooves by drumming on his legs and neighing]
The Boy: [joyfully] It’s him! My war horse!
[the Audience Members look unimpressed]
Female Audience Member: So…that’s the horse?
Male Audience Member: Maybe the puppet was too expensive?
The Boy: I’m going to catch you now! You’d better finish your carrots! [he chases Joey the “horse” in a circle around the stage]
Female Audience Member: II feel like this might have been more impressive with the puppet.
Male Audience Member: This actor’s terrible at playing a horse.
The Boy: [clapping rhythmically] Look, now he’s dancing! [Joey starts doing the robot] War Horse can daaaance!
[A minstrel appears with a mandolin]
Minstrel: [singing as Joey continues dancing] Oh, they went to war and they fought that war, the boy and his horse together in the war! [the actor puts his hands on his head like a horse’s ears] Enjoy the intermission.
Male Audience Member: It’s a very strange production…what does the program say?
Female Audience Member: Let’s see…[reads it] Wait a minute, it just says–oh. This is “Warm Horse,” with an M.
Male Audience Member: What the hell…? [the house lights flash] Oh, it’s starting again.
Announcer: The play will resume momentarily. For the second act, the role of The Boy, previously played by Frank Densby, will now be played by a puppet. [the Audience Members look even more confused]
Female Audience Member: [stammering] Now the boy is a puppet?!
Male Audience Member: Why would they switch during intermission?
[The trumpet sounds and the Joey comes back out, making hoof sounds and neighing/snorting. A German soldier approaches him]
German Soldier: Here, boy…easy does it, ja…you’re a long way from home! You’re in German hands now! [Joey “slows down,” then neighs angrily at the German, who startles]
[A stagehand dressed in black appears with a small puppet of a boy on his hand and speaks his lines]
The Boy: War Horse! War Horse! Where’s my War Horse?
[the Audience Members look on in disbelief]
Male Audience Member: Wait, that’s the boy? I’m confused.
Female Audience Member: Um, is this the puppetry everyone’s been raving about?
The Boy: Joey! It is you! You’re back! I’ve got my War Horse again!
German Soldier: [laughs obnoxiously] You want your precious War Horse? It’s too bad there’s no escape. Unless you’re able to clear… [dramatically] that one-foot barbed wire! [points to a tiny fence sitting on the ground] Good luck, English boyyyyyy… [he fades out of the scene]
The Boy: Oh no, Joey! Whatever will we do?? [Joey comes over beside him and kneels down]
Joey: [speaking in a deep Cockney accent] Hop on, old friend! [the puppet sits on his shoulder]
Male Audience Member: The horse is talking?!
Joey: ‘Ere we go! For England!
The Boy and Joey: For England!
[Joey gets up and makes dramatic slow-motion sounds as he attempts to “leap” over the barbed wire]
The Boy: He’s doin’ it! He’s doin’ it! [Joey catches his foot and falls clumsily to the ground] Oh no! No! [he puts his hands up like ears again and the stagehand kneels beside him] No! He’s…dead!
[sad music plays as the Audience Members continue looking flummoxed]
Joey: Just…just remember that I love you! I’ve always loved you! [he “dies”]
The Boy: [tearfully] You’re not just a War Horse, Joey! You’re a Friend Horse!
Joey: Wait! [he leaps to his feet]
The Boy: You’re not dead after all!
Joey: On the contrary! For the first time ever, I am alive!
The Boy and Joey: [chanting and fist-pumping] USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
[the Audience Members are both crying]
Female Audience Member: It’s so good! So good! [Bill sobs]
[all four actors join hands onstage]
All Actors: I want my War Horse! [they take a bow as the minstrel reappears]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 37: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 7th, 2012 Charles Barkley Kelly Clarkson None None None
A Message From Rick SantorumSummary: Recurring Characters: Rick Santorum. Transcript
Montage
Charles Barkley’s MonologueSummary: Charles Barkley defends his endorsement of Weight Watchers and an Ann Taylor fashion line. Transcript
ChantixSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction. Transcript
Inside the NBASummary: Ernie Johnson Jr. (Bill Hader) tries to maintain basketball commentary among practical jokers Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson), Kenny Smith (Jay Pharoah) and Shaquille O’Neal (Charles Barkley). Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Shaquille O’Neal, Ernie Johnson Jr. Transcript
White People ProblemsSummary: Charles Barkley investigates the minor dilemmas of white people, as relayed to him through black service workers. Transcript
ESPN Bowl MadnessSummary: An announcer (Andy Samberg) promotes upcoming bowl games with zany and unexpected sponsors. Transcript
Joanne’s AnnouncementSummary: Joanne (Charles Barkley) breaks it to her friends and boyfriend Chad (Paul Brittain) that she’s a lesbian who must spread her wings and fly.
Charles Barkley Post-Game Translator AppSummary: Turn the app on while watching post-game interviews, and Charles Barkley will translate the athlete/coach mumbo-jumbo into its simplest layman’s terms.
Kelly Clarkson performs “Stronger”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Michele Bachmann (Kristen Wiig) comments on her recent withdrawal for the Republican nomination for president. Political satirist Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) can’t quite make his point while reviewing recent headlines. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) attempts to givd his New Year’s resolutions. Recurring Characters: Michele Bachmann, Nicholas Fehn, Drunk Uncle.
Lord WyndemereSummary: Recurring Characters: Lord Wyndemere, Greg, Stephen, Turlington.
The 17th Annual Adult Video AwardsSummary: Ron Jeremy (Bobby Moynihan) and Crystal Butt (Abby Elliott) present an “In Memorium” montage of porno actors and crew members who died during the past year.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Convoluted Jerry (Andy Samberg) performs contradictory selections from “Convoluted Jerry: The Songs Album”.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Irish SingersSummary: Irish Singers (Fred Armisen, Charles Barkley, Bill Hader, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Vanessa Bayer) sing stereotypical songs about potatoes.
Neighborhood PartySummary: While attending a neighborhood party, a woman (Nasim Pedrad) tells a tragic tale of woe.
Announcer: This week on ESPN, Bowl Madness continues. If you liked seeing Cincinnati edge out Vanderbilt at the “AutoZone Liberty Bowl”, and Florida run all over the Buckeyes at the “TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl”, then tune in tomorrow at 6 p.m. as Albion College looks the take on the Montclair State Hawks in the “Phantom Menace in 3D Radio Shack Croissant Bowl”.
Then at 8 p.m.: Buffalo State butts heads with Wheaton, in the “Ruby Tuesday Hanes Her Way Prejudice Bowl”.
And on ESPN U at 10 p.m.: Dickinson’s running attack clashes with the stingy defense of DeVry Institute, in “the Mucinex Arizona Beef Council Pencil Bowl”.
And at 4 a.m.: The winless Delaware Valley Aggies look to salvage their dignity against the Stuyvesant High School wrestling squad, in the “Visine Dog Shit Dilbert Bowl”.
And after that, it’s the Texas A&M Marching Band vs. Tuberculosis, in the “Fidelity Four Loko Life Begins At Conception Bowl”.
And don’t miss 3 Dogs vs. 100 Bats, in the “Skechers Shape-Ups How I Met Your Mother Trojan Minis Bowl”. Brought to you by “City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curlys Gold.”
Wife: I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. For my son. For my husband. [ she touches his leg ]
Husband: Chantix is not a nicotine product. It helps reduce the urge to smoke.
Wife: Because smoking wasn’t a habit — it was an addiction. That’s why I asked my doctor about Chantix.
Announcer: [ over SUPERs ] Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while using Chantix.
[ Wife sips from a cup of coffee ]
Announcer: Some people have had changes in behavior such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix.
[ Husband and Wife both look toward the camera with grave concern in their eyes ]
Announcer: If you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away.
[ Wife tries to assure her concerned Husband that that’s not th case ]
Announcer: Do not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmess drugs such as caffeine… as they may drastically increase the desire to kill.
[ Wife stares at her coffee cup on the cofee table ]
Announcer: If you notice symptoms such as rashes… [ Wife scratches arm ] fever… [ Wife feels hot ] droopy lip… [ her lip droops ] Jazz Hands… [ she waves her hands ] Robert De Niro Face… [ Wife mimics Robert De Niro ] or have Incredible Hulk strength… [ Wife breaks her coffee cup in her bare hands ] then call the police right away — for it is beginning!
[ Husband cowers back ]
Announcer: But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. [ Wife is relieved ] As well as “waking nightmares”, where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. [ Wife paws at her Husband’s face ] So use caution when operating spaceships. Spaceships? Uh-oh! I think you’re having one of those “waking nightmares”! “Banana?” “Yes, Orange.” “I love you, Banana.” “I love you, Orange.” “Hi, Banana!” “Kill him! Kill your husband NOW!! KILL HIM!!”
[ Wife jumps to her feet and chases her Husband out of the room ]
Charles Barkley: Hey, I want to thank Kelly clarkson — she was fantastic. Hey, it’s been my honor and pleasure. I want to thank everybody here at “Saturday Night Live” for working their butt off. But I want to give a shout-out to these guys, ’cause you guys have no idea how hard they work. And to do this every week, they must be crazy! Thank God — [ Clarkson laughs ] Hey — give them a shout-out, please! Happy New Year!
Air Date:
Summary: 
Summary: Charles Barkley defends his endorsement of Weight Watchers and an Ann Taylor fashion line.
Summary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction.
Summary: Ernie Johnson Jr. (Bill Hader) tries to maintain basketball commentary among practical jokers Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson), Kenny Smith (Jay Pharoah) and Shaquille O’Neal (Charles Barkley).
Summary: Charles Barkley investigates the minor dilemmas of white people, as relayed to him through black service workers.
Summary: An announcer (Andy Samberg) promotes upcoming bowl games with zany and unexpected sponsors.
Summary: Joanne (Charles Barkley) breaks it to her friends and boyfriend Chad (Paul Brittain) that she’s a lesbian who must spread her wings and fly.
Summary: Turn the app on while watching post-game interviews, and Charles Barkley will translate the athlete/coach mumbo-jumbo into its simplest layman’s terms.
Summary: Michele Bachmann (Kristen Wiig) comments on her recent withdrawal for the Republican nomination for president. Political satirist Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) can’t quite make his point while reviewing recent headlines. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) attempts to givd his New Year’s resolutions.
Summary: 
Summary: Ron Jeremy (Bobby Moynihan) and Crystal Butt (Abby Elliott) present an “In Memorium” montage of porno actors and crew members who died during the past year.
Summary: Convoluted Jerry (Andy Samberg) performs contradictory selections from “Convoluted Jerry: The Songs Album”.
Summary: 
