Category: 1980

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Newsbreak

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Good evening. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.

Jean Harris and her lawyer brought forth conclusive evidence that her former lover, Dr. Tarnauer, was indeed a compulsive womanizer. Pictured here are Mrs. Harris and her lawyer bringing in the doctor’s little black book.

This just in: Within the last hour-and-a-half, there have been no fires in hotels in Las Vegas.

Poland’s new Prime Minister, Wojciech Jaruzelski, whose name is Polish means “The Unpronounceable”, requested that his countrymen remain calm in the face of the massive Soviet build-up. Meanwhile earlier today, a Chicken Delight in Warsaw received a long-distance order from somewhere in Russia for 50,000 chicken dinners. The call requesting no delivery, saying that they would be by later to pick them up.

Eddie Murphy: That’s the news for now. Stay tuned later for a full report from “Weekend Update”. Thank you.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Newsbreak II

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Hello, again. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.

More news on the Poland invasion. The Polish Army has made some progress, and the Russians still seem to be ignoring this threat from the north, apparently waiting for a Polish blunder. How is all this going to affect America, and how is America going to feel about this?

[ cut to unseen action reporter interviewing people on the street ]

Interviewer: We were wondering what you thought of Poland’s invasion of Russia.

Man #1: Who?

Interviewer: Poland’s invasion of Russia this evening.

Man #1: Tell me something I don’t know.

Man #2: When it happened, just now? [ he shrugs his shoulders ]

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: Hey! What you gonna do about it? I don’t know.

[ cut to Man #4 ]

Man #4: There’s not too many countries, now, that’ll stand up to Russia, and I think that Poland should definitely go for it! It’s gonna be hard and all, but it’ll show a sign throughout the world.

[ cut to Man #5 ]

Man #5: Polish invasion of Russia?

Interviewer: What do you think about that?

Man #5: Um… I thought they were gonna go into France.

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Some startling information has been uncovered by our “Weekend Update” team. These are the Pole Papers. [ he holds up a file folder ] A secret outline written in 1938 that lays out Poland’s plan for world dominance, which helps explain today’s dramatic events.

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“September 1, 1939: We allow Germany to invade. PURPOSE: To elicit world sympathy.”

And another page:

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“February 3, 1962: Allow Bobby Vinton to record, thereby securing world sympathy. Sympathy should be pouring in…” Now, it’s hard to believe.

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“Secure a spy in the Vatican,” finally, and “Invade Russia.”

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Well, there you have it: The shocking proof. The Polish invasion of Russia is no playful whim, but a premeditated blueprint for world dominance. And so the spectral Polish world hangs over our heads like a spring-dripping kilbasa. This is unbelievable. THe Russian strategy of waiting and waiting — [ he looks down ] What is this? [ Eddie reads a bulletin handed to him below camera ] Oh, my God, it’s starting to pay off. The Russian strategy of waiting and waiting and wait and waiting has finally paid off. They’ve turned the wrong way, the Polish people. Inexplicably, they are heading toward the Arctic Circle. Uh — “Newsbreak” just acquired some dramatic photos of the beleagured Polish Army heading North. Could we see those photos, please?

[ cut to black-and-white photo of soldiers walking past snow-covered mountains along a path to icy Arctic waters ]

And there they are, obviously lost and very hungry.

[ cut to new black-and-photo, some of the soldiers now waist-deep in the cold Arctic waters ]

Looks like the threat is over, and it’s all over.

[ cut to new black-and-photo, only the soldiers’ helmets appear above the cold Arctic waters ]

Repeat: The Polish invasion of Russia is over.

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: You know, plot or no plot, you’ve got to feel sorry for this plucky little army. They get an “A” for effort. So, once again, the world has gone to the brink of disaster, and kept its balance. This is Eddie Murphy. Sleep well, and God bless.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Is Frank Sinatra A Hoodlum?

Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

Ronald Reagan: Good evening. I’m here tonight to talk to you aboutone of the most important questions that confronts the nation today: “IsFrank Sinatra a hoodlum?” Well, I think America deserves a straight answerto that straight question. Frank, are you a hoodlum?

Frank Sinatra: No, Ron, I am not.

Ronald Reagan: Do you associate with hoodlums?

Frank Sinatra: No, Ron, I am not.

Ronald Reagan: Do you know Manny Ayatello?

Frank Sinatra: Who?

Ronald Reagan: Manny the “Horse”?

Frank Sinatra: No.

Ronald Reagan: How about Louie?

Frank Sinatra: Who?

Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Louie the “Squid”.

Frank Sinatra: That is a negative.

Ronald Reagan: Do you know Carlos Granatelli?

Frank Sinatra: Oh, you mean “Fingers”?

Ronald Reagan: Yes.

Frank Sinatra: No.

Ronald Reagan: Well, there you have it. I hope that settle the issueonce and for all. No, Frank Sinatra is not a hoodlum. And, no, he doesn’tassociate with hoodlums. Uh, Frank.. is there anything else you’d like toadd?

Frank Sinatra: Ronnie, baby, would you do me a favor and pose in apicture with some of my buddies.

Ronald Reagan: Sure!

Frank Sinatra: Boys. [ a group of hoodlums stand arm-in-arm withFrank and Ronald – Frank snaps his fingers ] Do it.

Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

The Rocket Report

…..Charles Rocket

[ open on Central Park from above ]

Charles Rocket: Central Park. A veritable oasis in the heart of New York City. Acres and acres of places to have fun, and places to be the victim of a crime. Hi! Charles Rocket. We’re interested in Central Park – How Scary Is It? [ points below ] We went down there to find out..

[ dissolve to earlier film, two couples walking toward a tunnel as Rocket observes ]

A couple of nice young couples walking in Central Park. Everything could be alright, but they’re headed for one of those dangerous tunnels that everyone knows so much about. They don’t seem to be afraid, but it’s the tunnels that have been the hallmark of so much criminal activity. [ couples enter the tunnel, as Rocket moves closer to see ] Hope they’re okay.. sounds like everything’s still alright.. [ peeks in, notices a strange man at the end of the tunnel ] Uh-oh! There’s somebody coming! He got out of the way, but everything’s.. [ yells into the tunnel ] Everything was alright, then?! Everything is okay?! [ from the opposite side of the tunnel, the couples wave at Rocket ] Everything, apparently, is okay! A man came right as the young couple was just about to leave the tunnel, but apparently.. it’s no problem!

[ cut to a group of schoolkids in Central Park ]

Innocent schoolchildren. Are they safe? They may not be. [ camera pans out to reveal a man sitting on a park bench ] There’s a man.. sitting on a park bench.. right near by. If we could just find out what this guy’s up to.. then maybe we could avoid a potentially threatening situation. [ moves closer to the bench ] It’s okay.. he’s just asleep. So, apparently, there’s no danger now.. but there could be soon. Something you have to think about everytime you visit Central Park.

[ cut to Rocket running scared past some trees in Central Park ]

Quick! Behind a tree, or something! Because there’s.. somebody there.. [ looks back ] He’s definitely looking this way.. At least he’s far enough away now that the danger seems to have past, at least for the moment. [ looks again ] Oh no.. oh no! He’s circling up, toward the center.. he could be doubling back this way! It might be best for us to just head back where we came, and.. [ thinking quickly ] Back this way! [ runs down the path like the maniac, and slips on some wet grass, appearing embarrassed ] That’s the kind of thing that can happen when you get scared! Never panic in the park! Because a panicked person is a sure sign to a would-be criminal that there’s a potential victim! So I’ll just have to take this opportunity to collect myself, and then.. slowly.. continue on.. as though nothing at all has happened. Just as all everything were perfectly routine.. here, in Central Park. I’m Charles Rocket! Central Park, New York City. We’ll see you again some other time, and hopefully, under better and more safe circumstances.

[ Rocket walks off, as film ends ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:
February 21st, 1981

Charlene Tilton

Todd Rundgren

Prince

None

Don King

Marc Weiner
Rocko vs. WeindulahSummary: Joe Piscopo covers the sports scene as Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner) and Weindulah (Marc Weiner) prepare for tonight’s boxing match.

MontageNote: Larry Hagman was the first choice to host this episode, but producers had to settle on “Dallas” co-star Charlene Tilton when Hagman turned down the offer.

Charlene Tilton’s MonologueSummary: Charlene Tilton admits to being smitten with Charles Rocket because he’s the only member of the cast or crew who hasn’t tried to take advantage of her all week.

Transcript

Backstage JealousySummary: Joe Piscopo vows revenge when he finds out his girlfriend Ann Risley was with Charles Rocket last night.

Transcript

Greatest Records Of All TimeSummary: Spokesman (Gilbert Gottfried) pitches an album full of the most unlikely make-out music.

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: In the ghetto version of “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood”, foul-mouthed Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) receives a package from Mr. Speedy (Gilbert Gottfried).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Robinson.

Transcript

Pork ParadeSummary: Pre-parade jitters for the Pork Queen (Charlene Tilton) and her royal subjects.

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket takes Charlene Tilton for her first ride on a New York subway.

A Fiddler Be On The RoofSummary: Stevie Wonder (Eddie Murphy) stars as Tevye.

Recurring Characters: Stevie Wonder.

Transcript

Todd Rundgren performs “Healer”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: To combat budget costs, David A. Stockman (Gilbert Gottfried) offers food stamps in exchange for catching criminals.

Transcript

Haunted Lincoln BedroomSummary: Nancy Reagan (Gail Matthius) makes Doria Reagan (Ann Risley) sleep in the haunted Lincoln Bedroom.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Backstage RevengeSummary: Gilbert Gottfried and Charlene Tilton each vow revenge on Charles Rocket after learning he’s been cheating on them with other women.

Transcript

The CompetitionSummary: Rival piano players (Gail Matthius, Joe Piscopo) are so competitive that they break each other’s performance fingers.

Speaking OutSummary: Police officer Ruth Warren (Denny Dillon) speaks out on the subject of unauthorized use of handicap toilets.

Transcript

Women Behind BarsSummary: Fresh-faced woman inmate (Charlene Tilton) is given the treatment by her cellmates (Denny Dillon, Ann Risley, Yvonne Hudson) — a debate on the subject of the adequacy of the American public school system during the Industrial Revolution.

SNL SportsSummary: Puppets Weindulah (Marc Weiner) and Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner) box one another.

Submissive Sugar DaddiesSummary: Attractive girl (Charlene Tilton) promotes Submissive Sugar Daddies, pushovers like Ralph who’ll give up their money without expecting anything in return.

Todd Rundgren performs “Time Heals”

Mary Louise’s PartySummary: Denny Dillon performs as Mary Louise, a little who uses her sock puppet, Sam the Snake, to keep her birthday party in order.

After MidnightSummary: Vince Calypso (Charles Rocket) and Marilyn Sparks (Gail Matthius) arouse one another while bathing a dog. The sketch is interrupted when Charles Rocket is shot by an unseen assailant, bringing the night’s “Dallas” parody to a close with a cliffhanger.

Transcript

Prince performs “Party Up”Note: Prince uses the F-word in his song, but no one seemed to have noticed.

GoodnightsNote: Charles Rocket drops the night’s second F-bomb, a deliberate move which only further aggravated NBC’s dissatisfaction with Jean Doumanian’s role as Producer. Rocket, along with a few other cast members, would be fired shortly after the next live episode.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Backstage Jealousy

…..Charlene Tilton
…..Charles Rocket
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Ann Risley
…..Gail Matthius

(After the monologue, Charlene runs off to the stage door, where Charles Rocket is waiting for her. He claps, and she gives him a big hug, giggling with excitement.)

Rocket: All right, Charlene!

Tilton: Charlie, how’d I do?

Rocket: You were great. Hey, listen, let’s go to your dressing room, I’ll make a few more notes, okay, give you a couple more ideas? All right.

Tilton: Okay!

(they both run by Joe Piscopo and Ann Risley. Piscopo sits down on the bench with Risley and tries to get affectionate with her by kissing her on the neck)

Risley: No, n-no, no, no, no, no-no more. No more.

Piscopo: Why? What’s wrong? (continues to kiss her)

Risley: What’s wrong? Joe, THIS is wrong! It’s – we just can’t keep on like this! I’m, I, I think we ought to end it.

Piscopo: Aw, come on, Annie …

Risley: No, rea- it’s, it’s over, Joe. It’s over. It’s just too selfish. I mean, we have to think about the show. Look, romance and work just don’t mix.

(she gets up and walks away, leaving Piscopo dejected)

Piscopo: Ann!

(Gail Matthius enters and sits down by Piscopo)

Matthius: Uh, Joe, anything wrong?

Piscopo: Ann doesn’t wanna see me anymore.

Matthius: Oh, why not?

Piscopo: She says romance and work don’t mix.

Matthius: Oh, that’s funny, ’cause I … I called Charlie’s apartment last night about a script, oh, it was about 2 or 3 in the morning and uh, Ann answered the phone.

Piscopo: Wait, wai-wai-wai-wait … she was at Charlie’s apartment?

Matthius: (rolls eyes) Joe, get WITH it! God! Hey, yeah, she’s been at Charlie’s apartment every night this week! I guess they … (suggestively) MUST have been working on a script or something.

(she gets up and walks away. The camera zooms in on Piscopo, revenge on his face)

Piscopo: I’ll get that Charlie Rocket if it’s the last thing I ever do.

(cliffhanger cue)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

A Fiddler Be On The Roof

Teyve…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on silhouette of a fiddler on stage ]

Announcer: In the Broadway tradition of the all-Black “Hello Dolly” and “The Wiz”… Hal Prince presents Stevie Wonder as the immortal Teyve.

[ Stevie Wonder steps on to the stage dancing and singing traditional Jewish song ]

Announcer: Stevie Wonder IS… Teyve!

[ Stevie Wonder continues his performance ]

Announcer: Stevie Wonder IS Teyve in… “A Fiddler be on the Roof”! Call now for tickets.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Goodnights

…..Charlene Tilton
…..cast of SNL

(everyone is gathered on stage. Charles Rocket, cigarette in mouth, sits in a wheelchair wearing a robe, with a white bandage on his left clavicle. Charlene holds a pink balloon.)

Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how are you feeling after you’ve been shot?

Charles Rocket: Aw man, it’s the first time I’ve ever been shot in my life. I’d like to know who the fuck did it.

(most of the cast reacts with excited shock)

Charlene Tilton: Okay! (lets out an excited scream, then kisses Charlie on the cheek. As the closing music plays, everyone waves goodbye, the audience applauds, and the credits start to roll.)

Don Pardo V/O: Saturday Night Live will be back in two weeks, when our host will be Bill Murray. This is Don Pardo saying, I’M the one who shot Charlie Rocket! I caught him fooling around with my wife, the lovely Mrs. Don Pardo. I used a Smith n’Wessun 32 which I purchased from the Spiegel catalogue, Chicago 60609. Good night.

(meanwhile on stage, Gilbert gets a big hug from Charlene. Looks like he got his wish.)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

After Midnight

Vince Calypso…..Charles Rocket
Marylin Sparks…..Gail Matthius
…..Charlene Tilton
…..cast of SNL

(groovy music plays over the opening title. The host sits on a mattress wearing only sunglasses and a swimsuit, holding a microphone, talking in a hip, suggestive tone.)

Vince: Hi. I’m Vince Calypso and welcome to “After Midnight”, the cable TV show that’s not afraid to explore relationships. We believe that only by knowing others can you get to know yourself, whether you’re into swapping or making your loved one walk on a leash. Everything’s all right, as long as nobody gets hurt. We’ve been joined tonight by someone who’s very much into what I’m into … Honey? Tell us your name.

(pan over to “Kitty,” martini in hand)

Kitty: (speaks softly, like Marylin Monroe) My name is Marylin Sparks, but you can call me Kitty. (sips martini)

Vince: Kitty, why don’t you introduce us to your friend here?

(a live sheepdog is also on the mattress with them)

Kitty: Sure. This is Muffin.

Vince,/b>: Kitty, why don’t you tell everybody what we’re going to do with Muffin?

Kitty: We’re going to give Muffin a bath.

Vince: Wowwwwww, that’s good for his coat isn’t it, Kitty?

Kitty: And his mind. The first thing you do is get Muffin all wet.

VinceYou mean like this? (takes a sudsy sponge and rubs it on Kitty’s shoulder. She moans in pleasure as the sheepdog walks off the mattress) Oh, I’m sorry, Kitty. Gee, it’s so much fun to bathe your dog.

Kitty: (gets the sheepdog back on the mattress) Here Muffin, come up here, babe …

Vince: … Or watch someone bathe their dog.

Kitty: Oh, he doesn’t want it … that’s good, sit down.

Vince: … Or even get together and swap dogs. (he squeezes some more suds on Kitty and she moans some more. The sheepdog gets off the mattress again.) Oh my goodness. Oh golly.

(the camera switches to a cross-hairs POV shot which slowly zooms in on the pair)

Kitty: Oh, don’t! … Oh gosh, there goes the dog …

(the cross-hairs lands on Vince’s neck, after which a gunshot is heard, and he falls down. Gail Matthius suddenly breaks out of character)

Matthius: Oh! OH MY GOD!! SOMEBODY SHOT CHARLIE ROCKET!!

(a massive commotion ensues among everyone but the audience – “Charlie Rocket’s been shot!” The cast rushes to his aid)

Risley: OH GOD! OH GOD, DON’T LET HIM DIE! I’M CARRYING HIS BABY!

Dillon: Somebody shot Charlie Rocket!!

Piscopo: Not me! I loved the guy like a brother! What can I tell ya?

Tilton: I LOVE HIM TOO! Oh Charlie, please don’t die! God …

Gottfried: OH MY GOD, HE’S BEEN SHOT! (the mayhem pauses as he turns to Tilton) So you wanna go out to brunch with me?

Tilton: Okay!

(resume the mayhem)

Dillon: Somebody’s lying! Somebody here did it! Who did it? I wanna know: WHO SHOT C.R.?

(they all look at the camera in shock as cliffhanger music plays and a caption zooms to the front: “WHO SHOT C.R.?”)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Charlene Tilton’s Monologue

…..Charlene Tilton

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlene Tilton!

Charlene Tilton: Alright! Hello! I LOVE it! I love you! I can’t tell y’all — it is SO great to be here! It is so refreshing to get away from the crime, the corruption and the sex I have to face each week on “Dallas”. I mean, I gotta tell ya’! If you want to get away from crime, sex and corruption, where else should you go except New York? [ the crowd cheers ] Speaking of sex, though — I mean, you wouldn’t beleive how many people here at this show have tried to take advantage of me. [ male audience member “whoo”s ] Hey, can you blame them! [ she laughs ] But, no, really, honestly — the only one I trust at this show is Charlie Rocket. The only one! He is the only one at this show who has NOT tried to take advantage of me, and he’s the ONLY one who’s really not a lecher! Um — and I really gotta take this opportunity to thank him for helping me and coaching me, and I really do appreciate it, Charlie. Uh, also, there is one other thing I’ve always wanted to say, ever since I was about, uh, [ sge holds her arm up ] this high! [ she laughs ] And that is, uh: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” No, I’m just kidding! I’m just kidding! Charlei gave me permission to say that, so he said it’s okay. So, uh, anyway — we’ll be right back, okay?

SNL Transcripts

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