Category: 1980

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 11

80k: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince

Speaking Out

Bill…..Matthew Laurence
Officer Ruth Warren…..Denny Dillon

[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to public access set ]

Bill: Good evening. Welcome to “Speaking Out”. Sitting next to me is a member of the New York City Police Department — Officer Ruth Warren. Officer Warren is part of a special unit, recently formed to combat a growing problem in the city. Officer Warren? [ he acknowledges the camera ] speak Out.

Officer Ruth Warren: Thank you, Bill.

Bill: You’re welcome.

Officer Ruth Warren: I’d like to speak out to every citizen who is watching. We have a very serious new crime that is being committed all over the city, and we intend to put a stop to it.

Bill: What is that crime?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the crime is illegal use of bathroom facilities that were built for the handicapped only. You see, what we’ve got, Bill, is a lot of people in the wrong toilets.

Bill: That’s awful! That is awful!

Officer Ruth Warren: Right! Now, THEY know they’re in there, and WE know they’re in there, and we intend to pull them OUT of there!

Bill: Well, Officer Warren, uh — what exactly are they doing in there?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, uh, why, uh… face it, Bill — it’s a great stall! I mean, it’s as big as a room, there’s no graffiti, and, best of all, you’ve got those wonderful chrome rails. You know, you just throw your coat over it.

Bill: Wow, that’s really outrageous to me, that’s outrageous. Now, how do you catch these people?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, we have our basic techniques. Uh — foremost, of course, of which is surveillance.

Bill: Waht do you mean?

Officer Ruth Warren: Peeking. You know, take a look, preferably over the top.

Bill: Over the top?

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh-huh.

Bill: Did you ever try, you know, just peeking through the crack in the door?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, Bill, one of our officers tried that, see, and what happened was, the door opened and he lost half his nose.

Bill: Ow! Now, are you making many arrests?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Thanks, of course, in part to our informers.

Bill: Informers. Now, who are those?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, well, you have your bathrom regulars, you know, that the police department works with.

Bill: It sounds to me like you’ve got the problem well in hand.

Officer Ruth Warren: Uh, not at all. You know, these people are getting very tricky in there.

Bill: How?

Officer Ruth Warren: Well, the most common trick is, uh, they lift the left foot up, you know? [ she demonstrates ] So that way, if somebody looks underneath, they see a person with one foot, God forbid!

Bill: Oh! These people are getting SO clever these days.

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, that’s nothing! Now these bimbos are bring shopping carts in there, so when the police look under all they see is wheels.

Bill: Officer Warren, we’re running out of time. Do you have any final comments?

Officer Ruth Warren: Oh, yes. Yes. Uh, yes. We — we — we need public assistance. If anyone sees one of these criminals, please remember: Don’t just sit there, DO SOMETHING!

Bill: “Do something.” Good night. Thank you.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

60 Minutes

Dan Rather…..Joe Piscopo
Bill Leonard…..Pete Fatovich
Heather Clark…..Jeannine Kerwin
Mike Wallace…..??

[ open on graphic of ticking clock ] [ dissolve to Dan Rather seated in front of “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather… with another edition… of “60 Minutes”. In past shows, we’ve investigated everything from the Tunisian Gulf… to the Love Canal. Tonight, we take a look at ourselves. In a recent poll, it was disclosed that what IRKS most viewers of “60 Minutes”… is that there ARE… NO… WOMEN. We explain this phenomenon as we examine… No Babes… In Newsland.

[ cut to film footage of Dan Rather interviewing Bill Leonard ]

Dan Rather V/O: We talked to Bill Leonard, President of CBS News, about this situation.

Bill Leonard: There ARE women on “60 Minutes”! Ask anyone on the show!

Dan Rather: I AM on the show… and there ARE no women!

Bill Leonard: That’s because — that’s because 1 out of every 4 weeks, they wouldn’t be able to work! [ chuckling ] You know what I mean, Dan?

[ Dan Rather offers a stone-faced reaction ]

Bill Leonard: I mean, after all, Dan — we’re replacing you with a Black man. That’s practically the same thing!

[ cut to Dan Rather walking through the offices of “60 Minutes” ]

Dan Rather V/O: We decided to ask some of the women who work on the “60 Minutes” staff… why there are no women on the air. But we couldn’t find any women… here.

[ Dan Rather looks back at the desks dominated by male employees ] [ cut to male employees drinking coffee in the break room ]

Dan Rather V/O: — or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather standing in front of a women’s restroom ]

Dan Rather: — or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather V/O: This is Heather Clark… award-winning journalist.

Heather Clark: I was almost hired by “60 Minutes” to be an acnhorperson, but it never materialized.

Dan Rather: Why not? What happened?

Heather Clark: [ she sighs heavily ] I don’t like to say this, but… I just have a feeling that Mike Wallace did not want me hired.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Dan Rather V/O: So we spoke to Mike Wallace.

Mike Wallace: Ridiculous! Heather Clark is a fine journalist, and she’d be an asset to the show.

[ cut to Dan Rather speaking to Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather: Mike Wallace told us — and I quote — “Heather Clark” would “be an asset to the show.”

Heather Clark: Well, I just get the feeling that he did not want me hired.

Dan Rather: Why?

Heather Clark: Well, there’s this note I received.

[ she pulls out a large, painted note that reads: “Take This Job — You’re Dead” ]

Dan Rather V/O: We spoke to Mike Wallace about these allegations.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Mike Wallace: You know, Dan — I wouldn’t do a thing like that!

[ camera pulls back to reveal hand-painted signs of a similar nature ]

Mike Wallace: Besides — it’s not even my handwriting!

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing someone who’s face is obscured by a blue dot ]

Dan Rather V/O: We asked a trusted CBS employee about Mr. Wallace’s behavior. He asked not to be identified on camera.

Voice: [ obviously Walter Cronkite ] It’s clear from every eye, from Maine to Alaska, that Mike Wallace is a good reporter. But when it comes to women, it’s another matter ENTIRELY! You know, he’s a close friend of Harry Reasoner’s, and ever since Harry was viciously CASTRATED by Barbara Walters, Mike swore NEVER to work with a woman again!

[ cut to Dan Rather standing outside of Mike Wallace’s office ]

Dan Rather: Mike? We’d like to ask you a few questions.

[ peeking through the door frame ] I’m not in!

[ Mike Wallace shuts the door, then shoves a hand-painted “I’m Not In” sign under the door ]

Dan Rather: [ he picks up the sign and reads it ] “I’m No In”. [ he glares at the camera ] He’s not in!

[ return to live studio “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather V/O: Since we last broadcast that story… we received a number of letters.

[ letters appear on screen ]

A woman from Canoga Park California wrote: “…it was about time that you exposed this gross injustice.”

A gentlemen from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania said: “…I like it. But why don’t you do stories on important things: Like why there are no black hockey players?”

And this, from New York City: [ signed R. Mudd ] “…as usual Rather got his facts mixed up. I can’t believe an irresponsible Journalist like him is replacing Walter Cronkite.”

[ dissolve to Dan Rather in front of the “No Babes In Newsland…” graphic ]

Dan Rather: I’m Dan Rather. Join us next week… for another edition… of “60 Minutes”.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Carters Leave the White House

Mover #1…..Matthew Laurance
Rosalynn Carter…..Ann Risley
Amy Carter…..Denny Dillon
Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on exterior, White House, with SUPER: “Inauguration Day: Oval Office” ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, as moving men stack boxes at the center of the room ]

Mover #1: Mrs. Carter? We’re taking these down to the van now.

[ the moving men wheel the boxes away, revealing Rosalynn Carter crouched in front of the President’s desk trying to pry the Presidential Seal off the front ]

Rosalynn Carter: Well, hurry up! We only have FIVE minutes! Amy! Amy! Get in here with that crowbar! I’m not leaving this house without this seal!

[ Amy runs into the room carrying part of the bannister ]

Amy Carter: I’m sorry, Mama! I needed it for the bannister!

Rosalynn Carter: [ standing ] And, honey, don’t forget about the stairs — if that damn Nancy wants to get up to the second floor, she’s gonna have to CLAW her way up!

Amy Carter: She SCARES me, Mama! You suppose she ever KILLED anyone?

Rosalynn Carter: No, honey — she just MARRIES them instead! [ she finally pries the Presidential seal loose ] Here, Amy, here — put this in the box with the sink. Now… what’s left?

[ Rosalynn begins to take down the drapes ]

Amy Carter: Well, let’s see now… we cleared out the East Wing, and, uh, there’s nothing left in the West Wing. And, uh… I drained the pool! [ she laughs ]

Rosalynn Carter: Leave the diving board!

[ suddenly, Jimmy Carter enters carrying shrubbery ]

Jimmy Carter: This is the last of the Rose Garden! [ he stuffs the shrubs into a briefcase ]

Amy Carter: [ digging through a box ] Look, Mama! I got every DOOR KNOB, every FAUCET HANDLE… I even got the handle to the toilet!

Rosalynn Carter: That’s my Amy!

Jimmy Carter: Well… I guess that’s about everything.

[ the two movers roll the President’s desk out the door, as the red phone begins to beep ]

Jimmy Carter: Ohhhh… that’s the Hot Line. I’ll get it.

[ Jimmy yanks the phone from the wall, wraps its wires around, then tucks the phone under his arm ]

Jimmy Carter: I’ll go get the Welcome Mat!

[ Jimmy exits the Oval Office ] [ outside, a car horn honks ]

Amy Carter: Mama! It’s them! It’s them!

Voice of Nancy Reagan: [ over bullhorn ] WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! IT’S OUR HOME NOW, SO GET OUT! IT’S ALL OVER!

Rosalynn Carter: Oh no, it’s not! It’s… [ she turns to face the camera ] “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Paulie Herman at the Diner

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress…..Denny Dillon
Woman at booth…..Karen Black

[ open on interior, crowded diner ] [ Jersey Guy Paulie Herman stands by a display of spinning pies ]

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! This sure is a nice place here! Yessiree! I bet all the baking’s done right on the premises! Oh, boy — I LOVE to eat out!

[ the Waitress steps up ]

Waitress: Hey, buddy — we don’t have much room, so you’re gonna have to share a booth.

Paulie Herman: [ excited ] Okay!

Waitress: [ to Woman at booth ] Lady, you mind sharing a booth with this guy?

Woman at Booth: It’s all right.

Waitress: Have a seat.

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ Paulie sits and tries to contain his excitement at dining with a beautiful lady ]

Paulie Herman: Hello! My name’s Paulie Herman.

Woman at Booth: Nice to meet you.

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ] Are you from Jersey? [ he laughs maniacally ] I’m from Jersey! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: Heck, no — I’m from Dallas.

Paulie Herman: Woooowww! [ singing ] “Deep in the heart of Texas!”

Woman at Booth: Excuse me, but do you mind not singing while I’m digesting?

Paulie Herman: Oh. I’m sorry. [ he glances at the table ] Hey! We got a little jukebox here! We can listen to soem real music! Wow, they got a lot of contemporary artists! Look at that — Jerry Vale… Al Martino… Terrific! The Police! Hey — do you think Barney Miller’s with that group? [ he laughs maniacally ]

Woman at Booth: [ laughing ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Wow! Thank you very — So, uh… where in Dallas are you from?

Woman at Booth: Well… you know Preston Road?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Uh — you know Allendale Lane?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: You ever been to Dallas?

Paulie Herman: No.

Woman at Booth: Let me ask you a question.

Paulie Herman: What?

Woman at Booth: What is that cologne you’re wearing?

Paulie Herman: Ethylchloride.

Woman at Booth: [ she laughs ] That’s a good one!

Paulie Herman: Yeah, we make it at the plant where I work! You know, I can proudly say that the chemical company I work for owns FOUR toxic waste dumps!

[ she laughs ]

Paulie Herman: Thank you very much!

[ the Waitress re-appears and hands Paulie a menu ]

Paulie Herman: Oh!

Waitress: You know what you want, buddy?

Paulie Herman: [ reading the cover of the menu ] This says the “Turnpike Diner”! Hey, what’s this — Last Cheesecake Before Exit?

[ he and she laugh maniacally ]

Waitress: I don’t have ALL DAY, pal!

Paulie Herman: Oh. Okay. I’d like an omelet, plain, on wheat toast, please.

Waitress: No wheat toast!

Paulie Herman: Why? Are you out of wheat toast?

Waitress: Don’t argue with me! You get WHITE toast with an OMELET!

Paulie Herman: [ meekly ] Okay.

Woman at Booth: But that ain’t what you want!

Paulie Herman: But that’s not what I want!

Woman at Booth: What he wants!

Waitress: Read the menu! It says: [ she opens the menu ] “No Substitutions!” You know? Can’t you read? Where you from?

Woman at Booth: He’s from Jersey.

[ Paulie laughs maniacally ]

Paulie Herman: Are you from Jersey! [ he laughs manaically and shakes his dining companion’s hand ]

Waitress: Hey, uh, listen you two! I don’t have all day to fool around!

Woman at Booth: Yeah, you know, all he wants is an omelet with whole wheat toast!

Waitress: You know, I’m tired of people coming in here, like you, and thinking they can CHANGE THE RULES!!

Paulie Herman: [ thinking ] You know… this reminds me of a movie I saw once…

Woman at Booth: Yeahhhh… [ she thinks about it ]

Paulie Herman: Nah… Nah!

Waitress: [ impatiently ] You gonna ORDER, or what?!

Woman at Booth: Let me see if I can do it… [ in her best Nicholson voice ] Bring him a plain omelet —

Waitress: Plain omelet.

Woman at Booth: Bring him a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat toast, with lettuce, mayonnaisse and tomatoes. you got that?

Waitress: Yes!

Woman at Booth: Good! Now, hold the tomatoes… hold the lettuce… hold the mayonnaisse… hold the chicken between your knees, and BRING THIS MAN HIS WHOLE WHEAT TOAST!!!

Waitress: [ fuming ] Alright! Alright!

Woman at Booth: HALLELUAH!! One more thing.

Waitress: Yes?

[ the woman thrusts the contents of the table onto the floor ]

Woman at Booth: [ to Paulie ] You gotta know how to handle ’em, honey!

Paulie Herman: [ impressed ] Wooowwww!! Wooowwww!! Woooowwww!!

Woman at Booth: I know a better place down the street!

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Woman at Booth: Let’s get out of here!

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes!

Woman at Booth: It’s kind of messy anyway around here.’

[ they exit the diner as the Waitress yells after them ] [ the camera pans upward into the audience, and zooms in on man with SUPER: “This Man Has Ruined His Chair” ] [ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Saturday Night Live Action Dolls

…..Charles Rocket

[ open on Charles Rocket standing behind oversized box ]

Charles Rocket: Having trouble finding a gift for that “someone special”? Well, how about “Saturday Night Live” Cast Dolls? Yes! Now you can have your OWN cast party with these life-like adult action toys!

[ zoom in on the dolls posed inside the box, as Rocket’s hands move them around for different scenarios ]

Hey! Did Ann come to the party with Gilly? No? It’s up to you! Is that Denny passed out on the couch? That’s right — she’s had too much to drink! Look! There’s Joe boogeying with Gail! Oh boy, Joe and Gail are REALLY getting down! [ he mimicks a telephone ringing ] Uh-oh! It’s joe’s wife on the phone! He has to go home! Too bad, Joe! Yes! Hey, look, everybody — Ann’s not wearing any panties! She NEVER does! Or maybe she’s wearing THREE pairs — YOU decide! Hello! Gilly’s gonna be SICK! Gee, Gilly, QUICK — run to the bathroom! HURRY UP!! [ Rocket dunks the Gilly doll over an adjoning toilet ] Ohhhhh, just in time! That leaves Charlie all alone with all the women! Heyyyy, he’s not running away! He can handle that kind of action! [ he mimicks a doorbell ringing ] Oh-oh! That could be the POLICE! Maybe Charlie has to get rid of all his expensive drugs! Look out, Charlie! quick — to the bathroom! RUN!! RUN!! Gilly’s in the way! Alright, get him in the bathroom! Whoo! THAT was just in time! WHAT’S THAT?! It’s just JOE at the door?! It wasn’t the police at all, and he’s forgotten his wallet?! OHHHHH, Charlie is FURIOUS!! [ Charlie maneuvers the two dolls at one another ] Don’t fight, fellas!

[ Rocket stops playing with the dolls, the camera zooms back out ]

Charles Rocket: Sound like fun? You BET! They’re the “Saturday Night Live” Action Dolls! Action accessories and action apartment not included!

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Goodnights

…..Karen Black

Karen Black: Well, it’s time to say Good Night! I had a stupendous time with all these wonderful people!

Announcer: Join us NEXT week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Robert Hays with musical guest Joe “King” Carrasco. This is Don Pardo — Good Night!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

National Handgun Association

Man…..Joe Piscopo
Woman…..Ann Risley
Mugger…..Matthew Laurance
Black Man…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on couple exiting elevator onto main set, as Mugger approaches from the shadows ]

Mugger: Okay — give me all your money or I’ll KILL ya’!

Woman: Oh, God! He has a GUN!

Mugger: Noooo!! Guns don’t kill people! PEOPLE kill PEOPLE! [ he grabs Black man and points him menacingly at the couple ] And I’ve got a PERSON right here, so don’t try anything FUNNY!

Man: [ panicking ] No, no! Please! Put away your person! We’ll give you ANYTHING you want, just DON’T point that PERSON at us!

Mugger: Yeah, yeah… come on! Come on!

Man: Here you go! [ he hands his wallet over ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the National Handgun Association, reminding you that guns don’t kill people… PEOPLE kill people.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Mona Lisa in Love

Mona Lisa…..Karen Black
Security Guard…..Charles Rocket
Voice of Painting…..Denny Dillon

[ open on interior, art museum, after hours as Security Guard walks past a row of paintings ]

Mona Lisa: Hello, darling. [ the Security Guard stops ] Where were you last night?

Security Guard: Aw, come on, Mona… let’s not talk about it, okay?

Mona Lisa: Can we try it again?

Security Guard: [ he sighs ] It’s not going to work.

Mona Lisa: Just… one more time.

Security Guard: Okay. For you, anything.

[ he reaches his hand around her neck and tries to pull her free from the picture frame, to no avail ]

Mona Lisa: Ugh! It’s no use! You’ll never get me out of this picture.

Security Guard: Oh…

Mona Lisa: Cheer me up, Eduardo!

Security Guard: I can’t! I’m just so exhausted!

Mona Lisa: Please?

Security Guard: Alright.

[ she seductively places a green apple in her mouth ]

Security Guard: [ singing ] “Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have –” Awwww, gee! Let’s just face facts — this relationship’s not going anywhere!

Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s because you never take me out of here! I’m SICK of being cooped up in this stupid frame!

Security Guard: Oh, you’re tense again, aren’t you? Is it your back? [ he massages her neck ]

Mona Lisa: Oh, thank you, darling. I’ve been talking to Madonna With Child over there.

Security Guard: Yeah?

Mona Lisa: And… I want a baby!

Security Guard: A BABY?! Come on, Mona — you’re living in a dream world! You know? We’re not meant for each other! It’s over.

Mona Lisa: Over?! You can’t break up with me! I’m a MASTERPIECE!

Security Guard: Hey, you’re a FOX, all right… but I just can’t figure you out.

Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] You nincompoop! That’s what people love about me! I know what it is. It’s-a my LEGS! You wish… I had legs, don’t you?

Security Guard: Ohhh… it’s not that. It’s just that… oh… I’m seeing somebody else.

Mona Lisa: A younger woman?

Security Guard: 19th Century.

Mona Lisa: Legs?

Security Guard: Well, it’s one of Renoir’s nudes. I mean… I met her at a Degas dance.

Mona Lisa: Edward! How can you?! Those SLUTS! With little tiny brush strokes, no DEPTH at all! They’re FAKES!! Every one of them!

Security Guard: Oh! Don’t be so judgmental! It’s just that they’re lbierated, and you’re not! I mean, you’re SO old-fashioned! You’ve been sitting in the same old place all this time.

Voice of Painting: Will you two PIPE DOWN?! Some of us here would like to SLEEP!!

Security Guard: Hey, who’s that?

Mona Lisa: Oh, that’s just Whistler’s Mother. [ calling out ] Drop DEAD, you old prune-a-rama! You’re off your rocker!

Security Guard: Well, Mona… it’s time for me to get going. But I want you to know that… I’ve always loved you, and I-I’ll always love you… and I know how you complained about never having any new clothes to wear, so I-I got something especially for you. It’s just to show you how much I care. I want you to have this. [ he hands her a cowboy hat ] Everybody’s wearing them!

Mona Lisa: [ smiling ] Thank you, Edwardo! [ she puts the hat on her head ] I wanted to look like all of those nincompoops who are looking at me.

Security Guard: Well… this is goodbye. I mean, someone new will come along. I-I-I-I mean, men come from all over the WORLD just to see you! Now, come on… cheer up. Come on, smile. [ Mona shakes her head with a pout ] Give me the Mona Lisa smile.

[ Mona holds her head up high and grins ]

Security Guard: Ahhh! That’s my Mona Lisa! Arrivederci!

[ he blows Mona a kiss, as she purses her lips ] [ the Security Guard continues along his rounds, as the camera pans back with SUPER: “Coming Up: Drive-Up Sperm Banks” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Karen Black’s Monologue

…..Karen Black

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Karen Black!

Karen Black: [ lavishing the applause ] Oh, God! I LOVE applause! Oh, really — I would say or do anything to get applause! Oh! What can I think of? Oh, I got one! [ she throws her arms out ] I’m a… MOTHERRRR!! Yeahhhh!! [ the audience applauds wildly ] It does it to me, you know? Let’s see, what else? I don’t use druuuugs! [ light applause, then boos from the audience ] Okay! I use EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON!! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Uh — I don’t eat meat! [ silence ] Okay… alright, wait, I got one: I hate… VEGETABLES!! [ the audience applauds ] Okay, okay… I’m satisfied now. And I want to tel you… [ breathily ] there’s never been anyone like you. Really, you’re the best! Okay — I want to say hello to my son: [ waving into the camera ] Hi, Hunter! I can’t see you from here, honey. And you stay right there, ’cause we’ll be RIIIIIGH BAAAACK!!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Neighbor Confrontation

Woman from 6F…..Yvonne Hudson
Man from 6E…..Eddie Murphy
Man from 6F…..??

[ open on interior, apartment hallway, music blaring from Apartment 6E as the woman in Apartment 6F steps into the hallway ]

Woman from 6F: [ pounding on door ] Will you shut that damn thing off?! [ she pounds harder ] I KNOW you’re in there!

[ the Man from 6E opens his door ]

Woman from 6F: Nigger, are you DEAF?!

Man from 6E: No, I ain’t DEAF! You got a problem under that big GAP between your TEETH?!

Woman from 6F: YEAH, I got a problem! My apartment’s too SMALL! You think my family could move into your NOSE?!

Man from 6E: [ mildly offended ] Hey, my nose ain’t big.

Woman from 6F: Oh, no? Well, I got news for you — your FACE… is shrinking.

Man from 6E: Hey, look — I don’t appreciate you coming out here and doing that. Your face is getting ready to SWELL. Okay?

Woman from 6F: Well, I don’t appreciate YOU blasting that music! I got to get up and go to work in the morning! I need my BEAUTY sleep, you know?

Man from 6E: Oh, yeah — you DO need your beauty sleep! In fact, you SHOULD be hibernating, ’cause I bet you need about three or four MONTHS’ worth of beauty sleep!

Woman from 6F: Well, personally, I don’t CARE what you think! ‘Cause I got a man in here who KNOWS I look good!

Man from 6E: Your man think you look good?

Woman from 6F: Yeah!

Man from 6E: Well, who is he — Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder?

Woman from 6F: Listen, you JIVE-TIME, minimum-wage-making, welfare-taking LOSER! How would you like to spend the night out here with your face in the steps?!

Man from 6E: WHAT?! You gonna make — you come out of your apartment, THREATEN me, make me turn my music down, THEN you telling me you’re gonna knock me out?! Go on and knock me out, then! I WANT to sleep out on the steps!

Woman from 6F: Not me, baby! I take my MAN to help take care of that!

Man from 6E: Well, go get your man! Go GET your man! [ he pokes his head back into his apartment ] Say, fool! Turn that music UP! TURN THE MUSIC ALL THE WAY UP!!

[ the music blasts louder ]

Man from 6E: SHE’S GOING TO GET HER MAN!! HA HA HA HA!! YEAH!! THAT’S WHAT I SAY!! TURN IT UP!! I WANY EVERYBODY TO HEAR IT!!

[ suddenly, a large, musclebound man appears in the hall with his arms folded ]

Man from 6E: TURN IT — [ his eyes grow wide at the sight if him ] DOWN!!! YEAH!! TURN IT DOWN, TONY!! ALL THE WAY, DOWN!! PUT IT ON 10!! PUT IT ON ZERO!!

[ the music abruptly turns off ]

Man from 6E: AND, UH — GET MY LUGGAGE READY!! THANKS! YEAH! [ he turns to face the music ] Uh — Uh — BROTHER! Uh — you know! You know, I was thinking, um — um — You have a beautiful lady, man, first of all, and I hope that we weren’t doing anything to upset y’all, or wake you up. I know she needs her sleep, and I hope… this… this… I hope… you won’t get NO more troubles out of me! [ he tries to smile innocently ] Brother! [ he holds out his hands ] Give me five!

[ the Man from 6F just gives 6E a dirty look and lets him look like an idiot before he and his wife exit back into their apartment ] [ the Man from 6E looks like he’s going to have a heart attack, then slowly shrinks back into his apartment ] [ suddenly, with one last bout of defiance, the Man from 6E pokes his head out of his apartment and spits on the door to Apartment 6F and disappears back into his own apartment ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts