Category: 1980

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Reagan’s Vice President

Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Bodyguard #1…..Patrick Weathers
Other Bodyguards…..Matthew Laurance, Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on interior, Frank Sinatra’s dressing room, as his bodyguards style and make him up ]

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“I’ve got you… under my skin
I have got YOU… deep in the heart of meeee!”

Yeah. Don’t forget the bald spot.

[ singing ]
“Start shotin the PRESS!
Yeah, they’re just in the wayyyy.”

“Don’t let them be a part of it,My U.S.A.!”

[ Sinatra chuckles, as his bodyguards join in the chorus ]

Frank Sinatra: Cut!

[ a knock at the door ]

Ronald Reagan: Uh… President — uh, Governor Reagan to see Mr. Sinatra?

Bodyguard #1: It’s the, uh, President, Frank.

[ Sinatra waves Reagan over ]

Bodyguard #1: Come in.

Ronald Reagan: Thank you!

Frank Sinatra: Ronnie, baby, good to see you. Sit down.

Ronald Reagan: [ sitting ] Uh, you sent for me, Mr. Sinatra?

Frank Sinatra: Just a few reminders about this, uh, Inauguration jazz, Ronnie.

Ronald Reagan: Yes, sir!

Frank Sinatra: Number One: During rehearsal, I noticed YOU always out in the front. The cameras could barely get a shot of me. Now, WHO do you think people are tuning in to see?

Ronald Reagan: Well, I — I’m sorry, I — I don’t know what I was thinking —

Frank Sinatra: Number Two: Your acceptance speech, I’m not in it!

Ronald Reagan: Oh… uh… w-well, you are! [ he pulls out a notepad ] I — I — I’m rewriting it as we speak!

Frank Sinatra: Good boy, Ronnie! Yuo know, I’ve been thinking a lot about this Bush cat. Obviously, he does not capische my role in the new administration.

Ronald Reagan: Oh — oh, NO, Mr. Sinatra! Georgie LOVES you!

Frank Sinatra: Not enough. He’s OUT!

Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, sir! Uh, he’s an ELECTED official!

Frank Sinatra: [ to his bodyguards ] You hear that, boys?

[ on cue, the bodyguards laugh at this notion ]

Frank Sinatra: ENOUGH!

[ the bodyguards quiet themselves ]

Frank Sinatra: I think Nancy would make a GROOVIER Vice-President!

Ronald Reagan: [ confused ] Uh — uh — Nancy Kissinger?

Frank Sinatra: Oh, that’s close, Ronnie. That’s real close, Ronnie baby. [ he slaps Reagain playfully on the cheek ] I mean, your BROAD! Your OLD LADY! Your CHICK!

Ronald Reagan: Oh! You mean Mommy!

Frank Sinatra: [ he sighs ] Yeah. I mean “Mommy”. [ he rolls his eyes at his bodyguards ]

Ronald Reagan: Oh! I can’t WAIT to tell her! Thank you, Mr. Sinatra! Thank you very much!

Frank Sinatra: Ciao.

Ronald Reagan: Thank you! [ to the bodyguards ] Nice meeting you, fellas! Thank you!

[ Reagan exits the dressing room ]

[ after he leaves, Nancy Reagan casually enters from Sinatra’s closet ]

Nancy Reagan: Nice work, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: [ standing ] Oh! Thank you very much, Mrs. Reagan. I, uh, tried to do everything that you asked.

Nancy Reagan: Mmm-hmm. But you forgot about Jane Wyman. But I’ll take care of that.

Frank Sinatra: Ahhh, I’m gonna have to make it up to you, Boss!

Nancy Reagan: You can start right now by singing the Inaugural Theme just for me.

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Keep Audrey Hepburn… and keep Liz Taylor
Nancy’s the feature, they are just… the trailer.
Picture a President in lace
That’s Nancy, with the laughing face.”

[ the camera zooms in on Nancy’s reflection in the mirror ]

Nancy Reagan: [ smiling ] It’s going to be a GREAT four years.

[ the camera pans out on the set, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Tank Therapy For Goldfish” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

The Rocket Report

…..Charles Rocket
…..Rich Schmaltz

Announcer: [ over BLACK ] And now… “The Rocket Report”.

[ dissolve to Charles Rocket leaning over the railing of a tall building ]

Charles Rocket: Have you ever looked over the edge of a tall building, and wondered what it would be like to jump? [ he leans up and stands properly to address the camera ] And, down there, those people would actually spend time and money trying to figure out how to manage just such a jump, just so they can cash that BIG check made payable to them by one of the Big Three television networks. Hi! Charles Rocket, overlooking midtown Manhattan from 50 stories up, thinking about those thrillseeker-daredevil-stuntpeople shows, and wondering why New York’s finest daredevils have managed to escape the attention THEY deserve. For in New York City, there’s a rare breed of daredevil, indeed.

[ dissolve to Hasidic jeweler walking down the street ]

Charles Rocket V/O: Like the Hasidic jeweler, who carries priceless gems in a simple shopping bag!

[ dissolve to drug dealer working a sale ]

Charles Rocket V/O: Or the drug dealers, who conduct business on the street, risking arrest every day!

[ dissolve to bum urinating on the side of a building ]

Charles Rocket V/O: And the bum, who LAUGHS in the face of humiliation with his open-book lifestyle.

[ dissolve to cab driver Rich Schmaltz behind the wheel ]

Charles Rocket V/O: The list is almost endless. On it, this man, whose daily life as a New York cabbie calls for stunt driving that would make the aveage motorist’s hair stand on end. His name is Richard Schmaltz.

Charles Rocket: Richard, how long have you been driving a cab?

Rich Schmaltz: Nine years.

Charles Rocket: And it’s true what they say about New York cabbies — you really have to pull some serious moves every once in a while, don’t you?

Rich Schmaltz: Every once in a while!

Charles Rocket: Could you handle a, uh — let’s say a left hand turn at a traffic light, from the extreme right-hand lane, cutting across three, and possibly four, lanes of traffic?

Rich Schmaltz: Yes.

Charles Rocket: You can handle that?

Rich Schmaltz: Yeah, that could be handled.

[ Charles holds up a diagram for the camera ]

Charles Rocket: Okay, here’s the move Richard has agreed to perform for us: He’s going to position himself at this far right-hand lane… next to three other lanes of traffic. His move? Make that left-hand turn this way, cutting his way in front of 1, 2, 3 lanes of opposing traffic. Rich, what are you gonna do?

Rich Schmaltz: You gotta use your mirrors… you gotta use your eyes at the same time. [ Charles nods ] As you’re stepping on the gas and the brake at the same time. Yuo have to be VERY sure of yourself. The slightest hesitation can cause you to smack-up.

Charles Rocket V/O: A SMACK-UP, Rich predicts, IF there’s even the slightest hesitation. Let’s find out how well he does when he performs this move.

Charles Rocket: Here he goes!

[ Rich cuts off the three lanes of traffic, as horns honk and another driver yells at him ]

Charles Rocket: As he looks around, actually cutting through — right across in front of the traffic, and now down — you ran the light, didn’t you?

Rich Schmaltz: [ proudly ] I ran the light!

[ the audience cheers ]

Charles Rocket: Is that the only way you can do that move?

Rich Schmaltz: It’s the ONLY way you can do that move!

Charles Rocket: You wouldn’t suggest this for any young viewers, would you?

Rich Schmaltz: No! No. Never. It’s very dangerous, really hazardous to have driving.

[ cut to Charles exiting the cab ]

Charles Rocket: Rich Scmaltz. Oh, hey — a little eyebrow-wipe there for THAT excitement, huh? I almost DIED in that car! Are you kidding me? Rich Schmaltz! He’s a real daredevil, here in New York. i’m Charles Rocket, reminding you that everybody’s a daredevil. Watch your step.

[ Charles walks off down the street, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius

…..Charles Rocket
…..Gail Matthius
Mary Lou James…..Ann Risley
…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket and Gail Matthius.

Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news:

Our top story: Pictured here leaving the White House, for one of his last times, President Carter. This next photograph captures President-elect Ronald Reagan’s reaction!

Well, during the Senate confirmation hearings, Alexander “General” Haig — General Alexander Haig said that the MX missile is the key to our country’s defense. Here, we see Mr. Haig swallowing that key. Later, when asked about the neutron bomb, he replied: “No, I don’t believe in using a weapon designed to destroy only human life. After all, part of the fun is watching the BUILDINGS blow up!”

Well, President-elect Ronald Reagan was presented with this seven-year old Arabian stallion by the President of Mexico. When the stallion got to Los Angeles, the animal turned out to be two illegal aliens in a horsie suit. Well, Mrs. Reagan, always sharp, said: “Hey! Let’s keep them anyway — good help is always hard to find!”

Charles Rocket: Of course, we’d like to remind our viewers here in New York and in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware that a drought emergency is in effect. Non-essential uses of water HAVE been banned. So, to help out, I’ve been switching from Scotch and water to Scotch and soda. [ he pours a mixed drink ] How about you, Gail?

Gail Matthius: Straight up, Charlie!

Charles Rocket: Straight up, Gail.

Gail Matthius: Edward Kennedy, Jr. is seen here leaving a —

[ Charlie pushes over a glass of Scotch for Gail ]

Gail Matthius: Thanks.

Charles Rocket: You bet, Gail.

Gail Matthius: Cheers. [ she sips the Scotch and grimaces ] Whoo!

Edward Kennedy, Jr. is seen here leaving a courtroom, Wednesday, after responding to charges of speeding. Traces of marijuana were also found in the car, as shown here. Kennedy’s father, Sen. Ted Kennedy, stated: “I don’t know what happened — I taught him to drive!”

Now we’ll go to our Health Editor, Mary Lou James, who has some diet tips for us. So, Mary Lou, you say it’s not what you eat… it’s how you eat it?

Mary Lou James: That’s right, Gail. For example: One little trick I’ve found is if you put the SAME amount of food on a SMALLER plate, it seems like more. [ she chuckles ] Well, this works great if you’re a complete MORON who can’t tell that the dish is smaller! But why go halfway? I mean, why not spread the food out all over the table? I mean, then it REALLY seems like a lot! And why stop there, Gail? I mean, if you take each little leaf of lettuce and put each one in a different room of your house, it REALLY seems like a lot to eat! I mean, you’d think you were never gonna FINISH, you know!

Gail Matthius: Ah, that’s amazing!

Mary Lou James: Now — now, have you ever tried eating looking through a magnifying glass? I mean, you really think you’re chowing down when you eat peas that look like BASEBALLS! I mean, TWO of them could make a whole meal, or something! Of course, though, Gail, the catch here, as with all of these tips, is that you really have to be pretty stupid not to figure them out.

Gail Matthius: Yeah! Yeah, that’s right, Mary Ann.

Mary Lou James: Yeah.

Gail Matthius: Mary Lou — sorry!

Mary Lou James: Right.

[ Mary Lou glances at Gail, who offers no further response before continuing on to the next story ]

Gail Matthius: The cold wave continued to sweep the East. Many residents were without heat. A Bronx woman saw this sight this morning when she lifted up her toilet seat.

A profound population shift that will alter the face of our nation is now under way. Here now is a special filmed report.

[ dissolve to black-and-white title card: “Rush To The Sunbelt” ]

[ cut to blck-and-white stock film footage ]

Narrator V/O: By plane! By boat! By cab! Often in TOO big a hurry. Americans RUSH to escape the pollution and decay of the northeastern cities for the carefree lifestyle of the Sunbelt! Although not everyone reaches this promised land, some lose their way and find themselves starting a new life in the Snowbelt.

Meanwhile, fearful of chaos in the Sunbelt, the government acts to discourage human refugees and persons considered “undesirable”. But in the Sunbelt, long lines of people waiting hours for sunglasses point out the lack of central services in this now-popular region.

Of course, when it was first conceived, the ‘Belt looked less-than-inviting, and was sparsely inhabited until 1972, when scientists added the sun, transforming this no-man’s land into a Shangri-la for MILLIONS.

[ cut back to Gail at the news desk ]

Gail Matthius: It sure is tempting, huh, Charlie?

Charles Rocket: Yes, it is, Gail. Very definitely. But, uh, never with a co-worker, okay?

In a plan to boost auto sales, Chrysler, today, announced their new line of edibile tires. They come in two flavors: Plain and Frosted.

Well, of course, the new look for owmen who wish to protect themselves from sexual harrassment was introduced by Halston this week. Keep that in mind.

And, of course, there’s a BIG story in Sports this week, as in every week. And here to tell us about it, is our own Joe Piscopo! Joe?

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie! Hello, everybody, once again! Joe Piscopo, LIVE, Saturday Night Sports! The big story! Super Bowl! Tickets! Scalping! Owners! Players! Forty dollar tickets being sold for FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Average fan left out in cold! Incredible! Outrageous! unfair! [ he reaches inside his jacket for a pair of tickets ] THINK about it! TWO tickets! Football! Eagles! Raiders! Super Bowl! 50 yard line! New Orleans! Bourbon Street! Drinking! PARRRRRTY!! Call! Now! Best! Offer! Cash! Only! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night Sports! Charlie!

Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe! Thanks much!

Well, preparations for the Inaugural celebration are in full swing. [ Joe Piscopo’s hand holds the Super Bowl tickets in front of Charlie’s face ] It’s the la — it’s the la — l-l-la — [ Charlie has to catch his breath, until the tickets disappear from view ] Preparations for the Inaugural celebration are in full swing. It’s the latest — the largest gala ever, and Hollywood’s BIGGEST stars are turning out! Catch this! Bob Hope, Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor and Frank Sinatra will ALL be performing! Plus: The Herald Trumpeters of the U.S. Army Marching Band and the mormon Tabernacle Choir! And that’s not all! Yes! Pope Paul is sending over the College of Cardinals Barber Shop Quartet! But, WAIT! FRom ENGLAND — Prince Charles will do HAND SHADOWS on Princess Ann’s back! THERE’S MORE!! In a SPECIAL performance, Sen. Strom Thurmond will JUGGLE HIS GALL STONES!! Wait a minute! As a SECIAL celebrity sports tribute, Ray Charles will box FIFTEEN ROUNDS with Stevie Wonder! THERE’S MORE!! Then Nancy Reagan will stand in front of the entire throng, and, after a HUGE fanfare and drum roll, Nancy Reagan will attempt to CHANGE THE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE!!! Whoo! Quite a dedication!

Back to you, Gail!

Gail Matthius: The new President and First-Lady took their first trip this week in the luxurious presidential motorhome: Winnebago One. George Bush followed behind in U-Haul Two.

Well, it was the conservatives vs. liberals in the Senate this week, but Alexander Haig refused to be intimidated by liberal senator Jacob Javits, despite the fact that Javits has grown over four feet since losing the election last Fall.

And today the White House released the new family portrait.

On the celeb front, opera star Lucianna Pavaratti, dining in New York today, sneezed, blowing the Russian Tea Room OUT into the street.

In show business, Clint Eastwood started shooting his latest feature, entitled “Any Old Film You Can Stand”.

Charles Rocket: Of course, we’re all dying to know what Nancy Reagan will be wearing to the Inaugural Ball. Well, “Weekend Update” has obtained exclusive access to the original designer sketches of the gown Nancy will wear. Let’s take a look: [ cartoonish drawing appears on screen ] Beautiful, isn’t it? Just lovely. Yes, Nancy’s taste ALWAYS on the money! But what will Nancy look like wearing this particular gown? Well, thanks to the skillful talents and high technological of our staff artist, we’ve been able to come up with a compiled drawing — a composite picture of Nancy wearing the designer dress. Let’s look at it: [ Nancy’s head on cartoon image ] Yes, there she is! Nancy Reagan as she will appear in all her splendor next Tuesday night!

For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Godo night, and… watch out!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:
January 24th, 1981

Robert Hays

14 Karat Soul

Joe ‘King’ Carrasco & The Crowns

None

Don Pardo

Michael Nesmith

Harry Osborne
America Not Held Hostage AnymoreSummary: Despite the safe return of the American hostages in Iran, Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) finds a way to harass further information out of a hostage’s wife (Ann Risley).

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Transcript

Montage

Robert Hays’ MonologueSummary: Robert Hays manipulates SNL’s instant Neilsen ratings by spicing up the variety of his topics.

Transcript

DazolaSummary: A Native American (Denny Dillon) speaks highly of the mushroom spread.

Love American StyleSummary: “Airplane!” actor Robert Hays finds himself alone in a hotel room with an inflatable prostitute.

Transcript

Saturday Night Live Sports CentralSummary: Sports reporters Joe Piscopo and Matthew Laurence profile the Asteroids lifestyle of video game pro Eddie Atari (Eddie Murphy).

Transcript

ReagancoSummary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) pitches the Reagan touch to common, everyday household products.

Save-A-Network TelethonSummary: Joe Piscopo encourages viewers to pledge a program premise to help keep NBC on the air.

Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game PreviewSummary: Panel members (Robert Hays, Charles Rocket, Ann Risley) make tomorrow’s Super Bowl sound like the most important event in the history of mankind.

Transcript

“The Foreign Film”Summary: In a film by William Dear, a man (Michael Nesmith) speaks complete and utter nonsense.

Sports Organist at a FuneralSummary: Sports organist Harry Osborne is a last-minute fill-in at a solemn funeral service.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Charles Rocket interviews a dummy of the Ayatollah Komeini, Fashion expert (Ann Risley) Tiffany Fleur emcees a fashion show for engineering students. Joe Piscopo uses an electronic football game to predict the outcome of tomorrow’s Super Bowl. Eddie Murphy comments on Irans’ frozen assets, and how it relates to his personal loss of $80 in a dope deal gone wrong.

Transcript

Disco MeltdownSummary: Dena Disco (Denny Dillon) shakes her groove thing at a nuclear power plant’s disco club.

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket uses misleading filmed bits to break down President Ronald Reagan’s daily itinerary.

The PacesetterSummary: Spokesman (Joe Piscopo) demonstrates the noisemaking device that brings new life to amateur theater.

Ravi SingsSummary: Ravi Shankar (Patrick Weathers) sings his own version of popular American romantic ballads.

Roweena’s Cut ‘n’ CurlSummary: Nadine (Denny Dillon) and Roweena (Gail Matthius) have different opinions about President Reagan and Mrs. Reagan.

Recurring Characters: Nadine, Roweena.

Eddie’s PromotionSummary: A smug Eddie Murphy insists that his promotion to full cast member won’t go to his head.

Dream DateSummary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) tells viewers to send in $40,000 for a chance at a Dream Date.

“Ordinary Elephant People”Summary: A preview for a new movie about a disfigured dysfunctional family.

Transcript

14 Karat Soul performs “I Wish That We Were Married” & “This Time It’s For Real”

The National EnquirerSummary: Various editors for the National Enquirer make decisions about the contents of the upcoming issue.

Joe ‘King’ Carrasco & The Crowns performs “Don’t Bug Me Baby”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Ordinary Elephant People

Announcer…..Joe Piscopo
Mother…..Ann Risley
Father…..Charles Rocket
Son…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ Open on three figures with bags over their heads, sitting at the dinner table. ]

Announcer: A story of three strangers. A mother, a father, a son.

Mother: Mmm. This French toast is great. [ Eats it through a hole in the bag ]

Father: Well, this is great orange juice, that’s for sure. [ the juice dribbles as he drinks it through his bag-hole ] What’s your problem, son?

Son: I am not an animal! I am an ordinary human being!

Announcer: Paramount Pictures proudly presents, Ordinary Elephant People. [ the title is shown] Coming soon to a theater near you.

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Sports Organist at a Funeral

Mr. Ziegler…..Charles Rocket
Mrs. Denton…..Denny Dillon
Fletcher…..Matthew Laurence
Organist…..Harry Osborne
Herbert, the Deceased…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on interior, funeral parlor ]

[ Mr. Ziegler solemnly approaches the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: Mrs. Denton. I — on behalf of the Ziegler Brothers, I just want to thank you for choosing us in your time of grief.

Mrs. Denton: You were the people that Herbert wanted.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, everything seems to be going to plan. There’s just one small problem — our regular organist is sick. But as soon as the replacement comes, then we’ll get on with the program. Excuse me while I… check.

[ he stands and crosses over to Fletcher ]

Mr. Ziegler: Look — where IS this guy, anyway?!

Fletcher: He should be here any minute.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, I hope he’s experienced in these matters!

Fletcher: Oh! Oh, he’s one of the BEST! He’s the main guy at Madison Square Garden — he plays at all the hockey and basketball games.

Mr. Ziegler: Well, I wish he’d just GET here!

[ suddenly, Harry Osborne, the substitute organist, rushes in ]

Organist: Mr. Ziegler, I’m Harry Osborne, the organ player.

Mr. Ziegler: Fine, fine… thank God you’re here! I thought you’d NEVER get here!

Organist: Oh, sorry I’m late, but the Knicks went into overtime —

Mr. Ziegler: Fletcher, show him the organ! Let’s get started!

[ Fletcher pulls Harry Osborne over to the organ, as Mr. Ziegler approaches the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. Now that the organist is here, we can get on with the program. I might add that you’ve chosen a wonderful program — short… yet dignified.

Mrs. Denton: Herbert wanted it that way.

Mr. Ziegler: Yes.

[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

[ Harry Osborne pipes out “The Star-Spangled Banner”, as the mourners rise ]

Mr. Ziegler: STOP IT!! STOP IT!! What are you doing, you fool?!

Organist: Well, you said to get started!

Mr. Ziegler: Well, for crying out loud! This is a FUNERAL! Play something appropriate!

[ Mr. Ziegler leans down toward the widow ]

Mr. Ziegler: I’m… so sorry, Mrs. Denton. There seems to be some… mix-up with the organist.

[ Mr. Ziegler stands off to the side and nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

[ Harry Osborne pipes out the opening notes to “Charge!” ]

Mr. Ziegler: Wait a second!! This isn’t a pep rally! It’s a FUNERAL!!

Organist: Well, I know — but I wanted to cheer the people up!

Mr. Ziegler: They don’t WANT to cheered up! Play a nice soft song!

[ the widow stands ]

Mrs. Denton: Mr. Ziegler… that man is disturbing me. I know that Herbert didn’t want this. This is not dignified, like your brochure said.

Mr. Ziegler: You’re quite right. I’m… so sorry. Please! I — I — I think I’ve straightened everything out, so don’t worry. Sit down.

[ she returns to her seat, as Mr. Ziegler nods for Harry Osborne to begin ]

Mrs. Denton: I’ve heard ENOUGH, Mr. Ziegler! And I don’t want to hear any more!

[ she closes the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]

Mr. Ziegler: Please, please, Mrs. Denton! It’s alright!

[ he opens the casket, as Harry Osborne rolls a flourish ]

Mrs. Denton: I’ve had just about enough! I’m getting Herbert OUT of here — NOW!!

[ she motions for one of them ourners to help lift the deceased out of the casket, as Harry Osborne starts up “Charge!” again ]

[ the crowd chants “Charge!” as the deceased is dragged out of the funeral parlor ]

[ pull back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Super Tidy Bowl XV” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Goodnights

…..Robert Hays

Robert Hays: I just want to say one thing before we go. When I first got here to New York —

[ the cast playfully pushes Hays to quiet him, accidentally half-revealing Gail Matthius’ breast in the melee ]

Joe Piscopo: Come on, just say “Good night”, please!

Robert Hays: Thank you very much. Good night, everybody!

[ Joe “King” Caresco attempts to place his crown atop Hays’ head as he kisses Gail Matthius, then hands the crown across to Charles Rocket instead ]

Announcer: This is Don Pardo saying, I’ll bet you didn’t know I could sing. Well, I do — listen to this: [ singing ] “I’m just a guy who can’t say No!” Barry Gold’s got nothing on me! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo
Mrs. Terry Hill…..Ann Risley

[ open on screenshot of the cast of “Saturday Night Live” ]

Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, in order to bring you this special report.

[ cue graphic: “America Not Held Hostage Anymore” ]

ABC News Announcer: America Not Held Hostage Anymore. An ABC News exclusive report, with correspondent Ted Koppel.

[ pan out to Ted Koppel in ABC News Room ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. When we began the program “America Held Hostage”, we thought it would be just a miniseries. But to our surprise, it ran for over 63 weeks, making it the most successful new program of the season. Tragically, the hostages have been freed, and it looked as though we would be cancelled. But, in an effort to continue this fine late night docudrama, ABC News will now be counting the days the hostages are out of captivity.

[ graphic behind Ted’s head reads “Hostages Back In America Day 4” ]

Starting now, with Day 4, we’ll have continuing coverage of the non-captivity for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of days. We’ll also be spending each week spotlighting a different hostage. With 52, that should kill a year. And, of course, we’ll continue to harass their families, as we’ve one so well for the past year or so. We have one of those in-depth reports right now.

[ cut to a suburban front door, cameras flashing all around it. ]

[ SUPER: as woman steps outside “Mrs. Terry Hill, Wife of Someone Who Used to be a Hostage” ]

Mrs. Terry Hill: Ohh.. Get out of my yard! Please! I don’t have any comments! Just go away! [ creeps back inside ]

[ cut back to Ted in the newsroom ]

Ted Koppel: We’ll have another one of those reports, through the window of Mrs. Hill’s window, live at 3 a.m. this morning. Right now, we’re going to another story, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Love American Style

…..Robert Hays
Voice of Inflatable Woman…..Gail Matthius

[ open on Robert Hays sitting alone in a hotel room ]

Robert Hays: Ah, this room that Tony set up for me sure is nice.. but I thought he knew how lonely I got on these promotional tours. I’ve been spending too many hours alone.. [ an Inflatable Woman suddenly rises from behind the couch ] What is this, some kind of a joke? Tony? Huh? Are you around here, huh? [ he reads the note on the Inflatable Woman ] “Patty Pleasure. For a good time, pull my string.” [ curious, he pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Aren’t you going to ask a lady to sit down?

Robert Hays: [ confused ] Well.. sure.. [ he pulls her over the couch, sits her down, then pulls her string again ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: You know.. you were wonderful in “Airplane!”

Robert Hays: Well, thanks. A lot of people don’t appreciate a comic performance. [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Your eyes have a way of seeing right through me..

Robert Hays: Really? [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: I know how to make a man happy. I can.. [ Robert quickly pulls her string so he can hear the rest ] ..tie you up, or you can tie me up, or.. I can invite my friend Terri over, and you could.. [ he quickly pulls the string again ] ..watch. Do you think you could handle that?

Robert Hays: Well, uh.. you’d probably be plenty for me! [ pulls her string again ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Well, what are you waiting for?

Robert Hays: Well, uh.. what do I do? [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: You can start by giving me $100.

Robert Hays: For what?! [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: For the time of your life.

Robert Hays: Are you out of your mind? [ pulls string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Give me $100, and we’ll talk about it.

Robert Hays: Oh, yeah? Well, who’s going to make me pay for it?

[ an inflatable pimp balloon suddenly rises from behind the couch, as Robert realizes what he’s up against ]

[ pan up to audience, zoom in on surprised woman with SUPER: “Only Looks Sleazy” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Robert Hays’ Monologue

…..Robert Hays
…..Gail Matthius

Robert Hays: Hi! Alright, I’m Robert Hays! You knew that! Really, we’re ready to go, so I just want to say to all of you: We’re really gonna have a good time tonight. Huh? Huh!

There’s going to be something a little different on the show this evening. Now, from time to time, you’ll notice on the lower part of your television screen, a number.. [ number “19” in a box pops up ] ..like this one. Now, this is something that the network has devised, it’s an instant Nielsen rating. This way, the network brass can monitor, line by line, exactly what Nielsen families like, and what they don’t like, and they can fix things accordingly. [ numbers start rising ] There, you see? It’s in action! You see, the Nielsen families are watching me live, at this very minute. They really like the fact that we’re talking about them, and we care so much about them, so the numbers are going up! Thank you, Nielsen families.

You know, I have to say, I’ve always wondered something. Who are these Nielsen families, anyway? I mean, if they’re the ones who decide what’s on TV, they must be a bunch of complete idiots with no taste at all! [ numbers start decreasing in value ] Even if they are just the total jerks that they apparently are, what right do they have to impose their will on the rest of us?! Huh?! Huh?! I mean, what right do they have?! Huh?! Huh?! What right do they have to impose their will on the rest of us?! Huh?! Huh?! What right do they have? Come on!

[ Gail Matthius runs onstage to point out that the numbers decreasing into the teens ]

D’oh!! [ stuttering ] Incest! [ numbers reach single digits ] J.R.! “Dukes of Hazzard!” Sheep! [ numbers start rising again ] Sorry about that! Everything’s okay now. We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts