Category: 1980

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Saturday Night Live Sports Central

…..Joe Piscopo
…..Matthew Laurence
Eddie Atari…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Saturday Night Sports studio ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live! Saturday Night Sports! Excitement! Tonight! Here! Now! Who would ever think we could top last week’s show, when we brought you the valiant Scotsmen ripping the kilt from each other’s waist in the masculine sport of Fair Dinkum! What could possibly be more exciting than a Scotsman without his kilts? How about an expedition where the code is Destroy or Be Destroyed! In a word — Danger! And when you’re talking about danger, you’re talking about ONE man! Eddie Atari! Let’s get RIGHT to the action!

[ cut to close-up of an Asteroids game screen ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Here’s Atari’s ship now — the strange, pie-shaped craft maneuvering, warming up, as the first asteroids drift into view! It’s a beautiful night — [ the game ship blows up an asteroid ] THERE!! He’s fired his first burst! Then, again! Punishing the giant rocks! Notice how he waits like a cool puma with a laser lotus! And again and again! Each shot a song! A hymn! A masterpiece of precision and timing! And there it is — the Italian maneuver, firing as he retreats! That’s his trademark! Oh, it’s carnage! It’s slaughter! Atari seems to be in total control, ladies and gentlemen! But, look out! He might be in trouble! Let’s go inside the ship, where our own Matt Laurence is standing by!

[ cut to Matthew Laurence reporting from inside the game ship, as Eddie Atari steers ]

Matthew Laurence: Oh, I’m right here, Joe! I’m here, but that was close! Eddie Atari blasted through a giant cluster with amazing agility! This is the most exciting event I’ve covered since the International Foosball Tournament in 1964! And how about Eddie Atari? In 1976, during an Asteroids exhibition, he hit his Hyperspace button and was lost for two years! But, still, he persists like a man possessed! Eddie! Eddie? What keeps you going?

Eddie Atari: Quarters! Quarters, man! As long as I got change for a dollar, you’ll find me right here!

Matthew Laurence: Whoa, what excitement, Joe! Of course, what we’re here for — what we’re ALL waiting for — is the appearance of the killer saucers! As everyone familiar with Asteroids knows, there’s a big saucer and a little saucer, and both are deadly! I think I see it now!

[ cut to game screen as a beeping noise centers upon the game ship ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Yes, you’re right, Matt, I hear it. I hear it, and — [ a flying saucer zooms past ] There it is! Yes, the quarry’s in his blind spot! [ the flying saucer is fired upon ] WHOA!!

[ cut to Eddie Atari at the controls, laughing ]

Matthew Laurence: Joe, Eddie Atari is jubilent! He took on the big saucer and smashed it like a piece of cheap crockery! But somewhere out there is a LITTLER saucer! We haven’t seen it yet! Eddie? Eddie, when? WHEN, Eddie?!

Eddie Atari: I don’t know, man! Get out of my face! When I see it, I’ll shoot it!

Matthew Laurence: You heard him, Joe! When he sees it… he’ll shoot it!

Eddie Atari: Uh-oh…

Matthew Laurence: Wait. Wait, I see something hurtling towards us!

[ cut to game screen, as the game ship whizzes past the Goodyear blimp ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Matt, don’t worry about it — it’s only a Goodyear blimp.

Eddie Atari: I want the blimp! It’s BIG, man!

Matthew Laurence: Don’t fight it! Don’t fight it, man! It’s the Goodyear blimp!

Eddie Atari: Hey, I want it!

Matthew Laurence: Joe! Joe! He’s not gonna stop, he’s gonna go after the blimp!

[ Eddie fires his controls and smiles ]

Eddie Atari: Ha haaa!! I bagged it, man! I bagged the blimp!

[ return to Joe Piscopo in the sports studio ]

Joe Piscopo: Ohhhh, it’s horrible! Eddie Atari has massacred the blimp! Ohhhh, the humanity! Asteroids! Blimp! Disaster! Fail! Me! Words! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night sports! Good night! Ohhhh, myyyy God! Ohhh, the humanity…!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview

Bill…..Robert Hays
Jessica…..Ann Risley
Frank…..Charles Rocket

Bob: Hi, football fans! This is the Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview. And we’re all excited about the big showdown tomorrow in New Orleans!

Jessica: Yes, Bob, it will definitely be the highlight of the football season!

Bob: I would say it was the highlight of the entire sports year, Jessica!

Frank: No, it’s the highlight of the entire year, period! It’s gotta be the game of the decade, maybe even the game of the century!

Jessica: Probably the event of the century!

Bob: Well, I can only add that tomorrow’s game will really be the game for all eternity, the highlight of human history.

Jessica: And civilization, Bob!

Bob: Right you are, Jessica. And now, let’s take at some Superbowls past. [ pause ] Football is often compared to ballet – and it’s true. You take a ballet, and you remove the music and the dancing, and you replace it with passing, running and scoring points, and the resemblance is uncanny.

Jessica: It is exactly like a ballet, except that one is a game, and the other isn’t.

Frank: And, there are no cheeleaders for ballet. Also, one is on a field, and the other is on a stage.

Bob: [ contemplating ] Yes.. but the Superdome is indoors, so they’re both indoors!

Jessica: Right! Of course! [ laughing ]

Frank: It is like ballet!

Bob: Well, whether or not football is a classic, eternal art form, remains to be seen. But one thing this sport clearly does is build character, and instill moral values.

Frank: And, on that note, Bill, I can only say: Vince Lombardi, Saint on Earth!

Jessica: Well, I don’t think that anyone can argue that, other than drugs, violence, and cheating in love, football is the best place to learn moral values outside a monestary!

Bob: But, Jessica, to say that football is the great moral and religious teacher of our youth, is really to trivialize it. What football is, is a metaphor for life.

Frank: Oh, that’s so true, Bob!

Bob: In life, you need a game plan. You call your signals, and you run your plays. You’ve gotta be careful not to fumble the ball, or you’ll get benched. But, if you get it, you can go all the way. Isn’t it strange how much football is like that, too?

Frank: Oh, that’s so right, Bob! This game tomorrow means a lot to all of us. Not because of the superb match of talent we’re going to see, but because each one of us has personally bet a lot of moeny on it!

Jessica: Well, I know that’s true for me, Frank, and I bet it holds true for most of our viewers as well.

Bob: We hope you’ve enjoyed this in-depth probe of tomorrow’s Superbowl. We hope you’ll tune in tomorrow to watch this historic contest between the Raiders and the.. Chargers.

Frank: Uh.. that’s Dallas.

Jessica: No, no.. it’s Eagles..

Bob: Whatever! We’ll be back right after this message.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius

…..Charles Rocket
…..Gail Matthius
Tiffany Fleur…..Ann Risley
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket andGail Matthius.

Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Former President Jimmy Carter is finding difficulty adjustingto civilian life. Pictured here, we see the ex-President trying to sneakback into the White House.

Well, Sen. Ted Kennedy and his wife Joan have decided to get a divorce. Mrs. Kennedy said, “Hey, it had nothing to do with my husband’s indiscretions!” Well, during their 22 years of marriage, the senator had romantic interludes with these women: [ collage ]. And these other women: [ second collage ].

Well, in a budget-slashing move, President Reagan has cut White house newspaper subscriptions to the absolute essentials. Shown here on his first morning in office, Reagan studies the large-print version of Variety magazine.

Charles Rocket: Well, now that the hostages are back, “Saturday Night Live” thinks maybe it’s time that we thought about normalizing our relations with Iran. What better way than to talk to the Ayatollah himself, who’s agreed to be here to chat with us! Here is… the Ayatollah Komeini! [ he clumsily lifts a veil over a balloon dummy ] Whoa, let’s find him! Okay, Mr. Ayatollah! What a guy, huh? Well, we have a lot of youngsters out there who are aspiring Ayatollahs, so let me ask you a question, pal: Are you sorry? [ no response; Charles pounds the desk ] Are you a little bit sorry? [ no response ] Okay. If you’re at all sorry, furrow your brows, make a mean face, and stare straight ahead, okay? [ the dummy’s pose remains unchanged ] Well, how about THAT, ladies and gentlemen! A formal apology from the Ayatollah Komeini, huh! Gail?

Gail Matthius: [ weakly ] Uh, sir? I’ve been looking for a really nice Persian rug — Maybe — ?

Charles Rocket: Some other time, Gail, huh?

Gail Matthius: Never mind, I’ll talk to him later.

General Motors, this week, recalled 80,000 station wagons, because, in repeated cases, the glass in the rear window has shattered. GM. denying responsibilityfor the defects said that all occupants of the cars had been listening toElla Fitzgerald.

World famous designer Galanos donated Nancy Reagan’s inaugural ball gown, valued at $10,000. Meanwhile, an unknown Washington baker donated this coffee cake for Nancy’s head!

Walter Mondale announced yesterday that he will join Winston & Strawn, aChicago law firm. Mondale says he will use his experience as Vice-Presidentin his new duties — which will include making coffee, apologizing for otherlawyer’s mistakes, and receiving Boy Scouts who might stop by.

Eldgridge Cleaver has certainly had an interesting career. First he was a Black Panther, then he became a born-again Christian. now, Cleaver plans to join the Mormon Church. What’s more, he may also star in a new variety show produced by Osmond Productions in Salt Lake City. It’ll be called “The Eldredge & Marie Show”, and they’ll start the season with an ice skating special called “Marie with Soul on Ice”. Leave it to Cleaver! [ the audience continually groans ]

Charles Rocket: A letter, handwritten by Ronald Reagan defending his friendship with Frank Sinatra, was sold at a New York auction yesterday for $12,500. Well, purchased this morning for $15,000 by NBC, a subsequent letter from Ron Reagan to Frank Sinatra, which reads: “Dear Frank: I wrote the letter. Don’t hurt me. Love, Ronnie. P.S.: Say hello to the Weasel!”

Well, now, “Update Fashions”, with our own Fashion Editor Tiffany Fleur.
Tiffany Fleur: Bonjour, mes amies. I am Tiffany Fleur. Welcometo my very first fashion show for engineering students. May I presentPaul. [ cut to Paul parading on the runway ] Paul is a mechanical engineerfrom MIPU. Throw away those calculators – the slide rule is back. And Paulwears his attractive leather hip holster to prove it. He’s ready for anycalculation. Paul’s ensemble is completed by his pocket pen/pencil holder.Handcrafted in practical vinyl, of course. But watch out – at night, whenthe animal in Paul breaks loose, he’ll switch to ze daring after-dark blue.Thank you, Paul. [ Robert enters ] Entre, Robert. Robert is anelectrical engineering student from Cal Tech, and sports the summer at thebeach look. Under his functional tuck, Robert wears the go-anywhere penand pencil holder, which is of course neatly glued to his chest. So,whether it’s a quick algebraic equation at the cafe, or an intimate eveningat home with the computer, you’re always in style with Tiffany Fleurdesigner fashions for the engineering student. And that is finis with theFashion Report [ cut back to Tifany at the newsdesk ] I have been TiffanyFleur, bye bye.

Gail Matthius: Thank you very much, Tiffany… and Robert and Paul.

In a government investigation, Canadian cabinet members responded to the question: “Who here has slept with Margaret Trudeau?”

It has been a huge week in sports, and here now to tell us all aboutit is our own Joooeee Piscopo!
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Gail! Hello again, everyone! Joe Piscopo,live! Saturday Night Sports. The big story – tomorrow. SuperSunday. Superbowl! Superdome! Eagles! Raiders! Winner? Who cares?When I think “Superbowl”, I think Steelers! Cowboys! Not Eagles-Raiders.I think Bradshaw, Starback – not Joworsky, Plunkett. Someone should lookinto why two mediocre teams that nobody cares about are playing in New Orleanstomorrow! Let’s take a look at the so-called Superteams! [ camera zooms outto reveal a miniature electronic football table in front of Joe ] Look atthis, you call this football! Unbelievable! Look at this guy, what the heckis he doing? I think that the Eagles will score by a touchdown! Eitherthat, or they just might score a field goal! The Eagles by a touchdown,that’s the sports. Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night! Gail.

Gail Matthius: Thank you, Joe!

In a related stoy,the Philadelphia Eagles, in preparation for the Super Bowl, have held their workouts in secret. Pictured here is Philadelphia wide receiver Harold Carmichael, practicing disguised as the Pope.

Charles Rocket: Well, claims against Iran will be a legal nightmare.According to specialists, procedures for transfer of the fund will take atleast nine months! Well, with us tonight is one of the people caughtup in the massive exchange of assets.. our own, Mr. Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Charles. [ to the audience’s light applause ] Hold that. A while back, I paid this dude $80up front for an ounce of Iranian hashish. Now, I asked if he wasfrom Iran, he said donn’t worry about that, right? Two weeks laters, Iwent to get my reefer, and he told me he didn’t have it. So I said, “Man,you got to give me my money back.” Do you know that that dude told methat his assets were frozen? I said, “Hey, man, don’t me tell me about nofrozen assets, because I gave you my heating oil money for that reefer!”Right? So, I took the dude hostage, and I ain’t giving him back to Iran until #1: Give me my $80; #2: Give me an ounce of that good Iranian reefer; and#3: Give me some of that Iranian oil, ’cause I been freezing my assets offall winter! Back to you, Charlie.

Charles Rocket: Thanks, Eddie, always a pleasure. Eddie Murphy.Thanks so much.Rupert Murdoch, owner of the New York Post, has purchased the 195-year old London Times, with the promise he would only make minor changes in the format. Well, take a look. Here we see the first edition of the London Times under Murdoch’s leadership: [ headline reads: “Thatcher To Parliament: Drop Dead!” ]

Charles Rocket: For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Good night, and watch out.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:
February 7th, 1981

Sally Kellerman

Jimmy Cliff

None

Marc Weiner

Jim Fowler

Andy Murphy

Terry Sweeney

Pam Norris
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) uses a series of charts to describe the state of the economy, then feigns surprise when guests arrive to celebrate his 70th birthday.

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Note: 1985-86 cast member Terry Sweeney, who was on the writing staff this season, makes an appearance as one of Reagan’s guests.

Transcript

MontageNote: Eddie Murphy becomes a regular cast member in this episode.

Sally Kellerman’s MonologueSummary: Sally Kellerman name-drops her movies until the director asks her to stop.

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket is on the scene at the welcome home parade for the American hostages who were in Iran.

The Gavonne FamilySummary: Talent scout Lorna Burns (Sally Kellerman) watches a stand-up comedian (Gilbert Gottfried) perform fro his Italian family.

Name That SinSummary: Game show contestants (Eddie Murphy, Ann Risley) identify taboos based on sound effects.

“Eye, Ear, Nose & Throat”Summary: A film featuring close-ups of body parts.

Was I Ever RedSummary: Snobby women recall their mealtime etiquette faux pas.

Iranian Joke BookSummary: Wacky jokes you can perform at home and use to fool your friends!

Jimmy Cliff performs “I Am The Living”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Upon discovering that Abraham Lincoln didn’t sign the Emancipation Proclamation wasn’t signed, Eddie Murphy invites viewers to use a secret code to claim a Negro of their very own. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner).

Note: Charles Rocket wasn’t particularly enthused about having to share screen time with a hand puppet, to which Joe Piscopo later quipped that Rocket was jealous that the puppet got more laughs than he did.

Parent & ChildSummary: Mother (Ann Risley) and father (Joe Piscopo) explain their kinky foreplay habits to their son (Gilbert Gottfried).

“A Day In The Life Of A Hostage”Summary: Film documentary of a former hostage’s quest for public attention.

Lean AcresSummary: A counselor (Sally Kellerman) keeps fat farm members (Denny Dillon, Ann Risley) on a strict regimen, causing an audience member to interrupt the sketch in protest of how the overweight are being portrayed.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Gone Clear”

Iranian Student CouncilSummary: Members of the student council at Tehran University debate ideas for post-kidnapping activities and argue about their graduation prospects.

“New York”Summary: In a film by C.F. Bressler, New York City is represented through claymation.

Pillow PetsSummary: A husband (Gilbert Gottfried) is more attention to the needs of his pillow pets than to his own wife (Ann Risley).

Transcript

Televised Criminal TrialSummary: The Supreme Court broadcasts a criminal trial in the same format as a talk show.

Transcript

Sally Kellerman performs “Starting Over Again”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Goodnights

…..Sally Kellerman

Sally Kellerman: Good night, everybody, and thanks so much for being here! Good night, Mom and Dad! Thanks so much, everybody! Goodbye!

Announcer: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Deborah Harry. This is don Pardo, saying: “Happy Birthday, Ronnie!” My birthday is February 22nd. Just send your cards and gifts to me care of this show. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Lean Acres

Lois…..Ann Risley
Tina…..Denny Dillon
Counselor…..Sally Kellerman
Woman in Audience…..Pam Norris

[ open on Lois and Tina lying on cots in their room ]

Lois: God, I’m hungry! This 10-day Juicefest is KILLING me!

Tina: I know what you mean! It’s nothing like the catalog my husband showed me! I thought it would be FRUIT CUPS… CHEESE BOARDS… maybe a couple of LAUGHS!

Lois: Some Fat Farm. This place is more like a… like a…

Tina: Say it! Say it!

Lois: Like a PRISON!

Tina: And the name! It sounded so nice — Lean Acres.

[ the title appears superimposed over the scene ]

[ the Counselor enters the room ]

Counselor: Alright, you cows! Weigh in! On the scale! On the scale!

[ Tina steps on the scale ]

Counselor: Well… you’ve gained THREE pounds! [ she swats Tina and knocks her onto her cot ] You’ve been snacking!

Tina: [ scared ] No, really — I — I — I really didn’t! [ the Counselor pulls her up by her sweatshirt ] Maybe ONE Saltine!

Lois: [ running over ] Leave her alone!

[ the Counselor lets go of Tina, as Lois crouches against the wall ]

Counselor: What did you say?

Lois: Nothing, nothing! It was just my… stomach rumbling.

Counselor: That’s what I thought. After all, you are ten pounds away from parole. Don’t blow it.

[ Lois jumps on the scale ]

Lois: What? I lost a pound!

Counselor: Water weight, Lois. It’ll be back.

Tina: Congratulations, Lois! A whole pound!

[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]

Counselor: Shut up! I told you FAT BAGS when you came to this FAT FARM that you’re FAT! THis ain’t no cocktail party,

Tina: Well, you see, it’s just that we haven’t eaten in TWELVE days and I just think that —

Counselor: [ sternly ] And you what?

Tina: Well, I think we SHOULD!!

[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]

Lois: Why don’t you pick on someone you’re own size?!

Counselor: Why don’t you two lose a little weight… and maybe I will.

[ the Counselor exits the room ]

Tina: I don’t think she likes me.

Lois: I feel the same way. You okay, honey?

Tina: Oh, Lois — how did I gain? I even stopped biting my nails!

Lois: Oh, why don’t we just LEAVE, Tina? We’re not criminals!

Tina: We’re WORSE — we’re overweight!

Lois: Yeah, and our husbands can’t stand the sight of us.

Tina: Not to mention the rest of the free world…

[ an overdramatic voice comes from above ]

Voice: This sketch makes me SICK!

[ Ann Risley and Denny Dillon look up into the audience balcony ]

Woman in Audience: You act like being fat is a crime! Fat people are HUMAN!

Denny Dillon: Who are you?!

Woman in Audience: Humans deserve RESPECT! If you uncover these layers of FAT… do we not bleed?! Huh? [ she looks among the audience ] HUH?! If you hurt our feelnigs, don’t we BLUBBER?! Where’s the “writer” of this thin attack on FAT people?!

Ann Risley: Okay… alright… writer?

[ a chubby writers enters the set ]

Female Writer: What’s the problem?!

Woman in Audience: I can’t understand how you could stoop to making FAT jokes! You of all people should be senstive to fat people! LOOK AT YOU!! You’re so FAT… when you sneeze, your chins flap! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you need to wear a bra on your back! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you… you get an electoral vote! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… that we —

[ Announcer: [ over text ] “She’s so fat that:

a) She hides money in her pores.

b) If a tree fell between her legs no one would hear it.

Or c) I can’t take much more of this sketch.

[ sound effects tally the results ]

Announcer: It’s C) I can’t take much more of this sketch.

[ the woman in the audience applauds the end of the sketch, as the camera pans upward to her, with SUPER: “Coming Up: “Circumsized Evidence” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4




Song appears
on the album:

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

James Brown performs “Rapp Payback”

…..Jamie Lee Curtis
…..James Brown

Jamie Lee Curtis: Ladies and gentlemen – here is James Brown!

James Brown:
“Rapp Payback!
Hey!
Come on, now!
Hit me!
[ screams ]
Sing it!
Good God!
Hit me!
Owww!
Where’s Moses?
Do it!
Good God!
Lookie here, ha!

I know you heard of Master Gee
But you didn’t heard nothin’
’til you dug J.B.

Hit me!
Oww!
Tell me!
Where’s Moses?
Ha!

I know you heard of Master Gee
But you didn’t heard nothin’
’til you dug J.B.

Hit me!
Whooooo!!
Where’s Moses?
Ha!

Roll over Beetoven!
(Roll over Beetoven!)
Sing it!
(Roll over Beetoven!)
Roll over Beetoven!
Roll over Beetoven!
Roll over Beetoven!)

Miami, Florida
Oakland
Here I come!
San Franicsco
I got to show you some.
Hit me!
Owwww!!!
Whooo!!
Where’s Moses?

[ break ]

[ James Brown whips off his outer jacket ]

The big payback!
Oww!
Gotta get back!
Oww!
Whoo!
The big payback!
Oww!
The big payback!
Now!

Get down with my woman, that ain’t right!
(Oh, no!)
You hollarin’ and cussin’, you wanna fight, yeah.
Don’t do me no darn favor
I don’t know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!
(Yes, we do!)

Get down with my woman, that ain’t right, yeah!
(Oh, no!)
You hollarin’ and cussin’, you wanna fight, yeah.
Don’t do me no darn favor
I don’t know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!
(Yes, we do!)

Get down with my woman, that ain’t right, no!
(Oh, no!)
You hollarin’ and cussin’, you wanna fight, yeah.
Don’t do me no darn favor
I don’t know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!
(Yes, we do!)

Give me the hit ya!
I need to hit ya!
Give me the hit!
I want to hit ya!
Owwww!!

Where’s Moses?
All right, yeah.
Come on!
Hit me!
Hit me!
Whoo!!
Yeah!
Where’s Moses?
Whoo!
Ahhhhhhhh!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Three-Card Monty

Paulie Herman….Joe Piscopo
Black Hustler….Eddie Murphy
Cop….Charles Rocket

[Opens with a bus terminal. Fast-talking black hustleris paying 3 card monte on top of a box. 2 guys arewatching him shuffle the 3 cards]

Black Hustler: Ok, it’s in the bank, Frank, no tax,Max. Here we go, round and round we go, where shestops nobody knows. Come on, let’s play the game. [guypoints at the card]Black card! Sorry, man. Youlose.[takes money, guy leaves] Sorry about that, it’sall right, put your money down,[shuffles cards] don’tgo wasting my time, here we go, round and round we gowhere– Which card you want? Is this the card youwant?! Black card! Sorry, my man. That’s it! [ 2nd guyleaves] Hey, come on, man. Let’s play some more. Hey, come on back, man!

[Nerdy Paulie Herman walks in, strange frown on hisface, over the black hustler’s shoulder]

Paulie Herman: Hey, come on back, man! Come on back!What are you doing?

Black Hustler: I’m makin’money, man. You wanna makesome money, jack?

Paulie Herman: Oh, I love to but I gotta catch my bus.

Black Hustler: Say, man, you got plenty of time. Yourbus ain’t gonna come for a while. Where you live anyway?

Paulie Herman: I’m from Jersey! Ha!,ha!,ha!,ha! Areyou from Jersey? Ha!,ha!, ha!,ha! I’m from Jersey!

Black Hustler: No, baby, I’m from New York City.

Paulie Herman: New York! Wow! [sings]”Start spreadingthe news / I’m leaving today…”

Black Hustler: Say, look man, You wanna make some money or what?

Paulie Herman: Oh, I don’t know. I am doing quite wellat the plant right now what with my pension plan andthe dental plan and the blue cross and the blueshield, I’ll get my free prescriptions next year…

Black Hustler: No, man, I’ll make you some big bucks, man!

Paulie Herman: Wow, hey, that sounds like fun!

[Hustler senses an easy mark]

Black Hustler: It is fun and easy too.

Paulie Herman: Yeah.

Black Hustler: I’ll play this game called “3 card monte”.

Paulie Herman: Yeah?

Black Hustler: You understand what I’m saying?

Paulie Herman: No.

Black Hustler: Well, look here. I got this 3 cardshere. One of them is red, right?

Paulie Herman: One of them is red….

Black Hustler: Two of them are black. Gonna mix ’emup. You find the red card, win some money.

Paulie Herman: Ok.

Black Hustler: Here we go, [shuffles the 3 cards]roundand round she goes, where she stops nobody knows, findthe card, here we go, luck be a lady—here we go,whatcha gonna do?, here we go, boom!

[Stops shuffling, Paulie looks down at the cards]

Paulie Herman: What?

Black Hustler: I said find the red card.

Paulie Herman:[picks up the right card easily] It’s right here.

Black Hustler: Now we’re gonna play for real money.Here we go, round and round….

[A cop appears, black hustler hides behind Paulie]

Cop: All right, fellas. What’s going on here?

Paulie Herman: Oh, we’re playing cards officer. You wanna play?

Cop: No. You boys from around here?

Paulie Herman: Well, I’m from Jersey! Ha!, ha!,ha!,ha!,ha!. Are you from Jersey?

Cop: No, not hardly. How about you? Where you from?

Black Hustler: I’m from Jersey. Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: I thought you said you’re from New York.

Black Hustler:[nervous]Oh, yeah. New York, New Jersey,same thing, metropolitan area.

Cop: Well, if you boys are from New Jersey you best begetting on your bus, now get goin’.

Paulie Herman: Oh, yes sir, officer. Right away. Here we go.

[cop leaves]

Black Hustler: Say man, we were lucky.

Paulie Herman: Lucky, huh? Hey, [sings]”Luck be lady tonight…”

Black Hustler: Look, please, don’t sing no mo’, if yougonna sing, sing something hip like James Brown or something.

Paulie Herman: Oh, James Brown, terrific footballplayer. I didn’t know he could sing! Yeah, great actortoo, I especially enjoyed him in “Chips” last yearwhere he did that roller skating segment with Fred Williamson.

Black Hustler: Oh, man…[picks up his box and cards]

Paulie Herman: Of course, you’re well aware of hisclassic film “Tick Tick Tick”….

Black Hustler: Just get away from me, man.

Paulie Herman: Of course…..

[Black Hustler goes out the bus terminal with Pauliebehind him jabbering away nonstop]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix

Narrator/Voice of Jack Card…..Charles Rocket
Janice…..Ann Risley
Female Poker Player…..Denny Dillon
Man #1…..Matthew Laurence
Man #2…..Joe Piscopo
Man #3…..Gilbert Gottfried
Voice of Queen Card…..Gail Matthius

[Open on close-up of ten poker chips–one white, two blue, and seven red–in the middle of a green poker table while someone deals out cards]

Narrator: These young people are having a good time playing poker.

[Pull back to reveal three men and two women sitting around a poker table in the basement of a house, chatting over one another and smoking marijuana cigarettes, except for Man #3, who is drinking from a brown and white mug.]

Narrator: (cont’d) They’re looking forward to a long, friendly evening of competition, [The others who are smoking joints cough heavily and extinguish the joints in their ashtrays as the game commences] but they’ve made one mistake: they’ve been smoking marijuana.

[some laughter and a man in the live studio audience shouting, “All right!” can be heard as we dissolve to an over-the-shoulder shot of Man #1’s hand of cards (an eight of spades, a seven of spades, a six of spades, a five of spades, and a four of clubs)]

Narrator: Because of marijuana [Man #1 takes a puff off his marijuana cigarette], this man thinks his four of clubs is a spade.

[Man #1 cracks up at his hand of cards. He exhales smoke and stubs out his joint, ready to ante up]

Man #1: [coughs and throws two chips in the center] I’ll see your two. [cracks up and puts the rest of his chips in the center]: and raise you fifteen.

[The other players “Ooh!” in amazement, but the Female Poker Player isn’t impressed]

Narrator: He thinks he’s got a flush.

Female Poker Player: [puts her chips in the center] Okay, call!

Man #1: [pins down cards so the Female Poker Player can see them] A flush. Read ‘em and weep!

Female Poker Player: [points to four of clubs in his hand of cards] That isn’t a spade!

[Man #1 checks his hand. His face falls at the oversight and the resulting mistake]

Man #1: Oh no! [buries his face in his hands]

[dissolve to overhead shot of the five poker players]

Narrator: He’s cleaned out. He’ll have to borrow to stay in the game, all thanks to pot.

[dissolve to over-the-shoulder shot of Janice, another female poker player, who has a royal straight flush (a ten, jack, queen, king, and ace of hearts). Zoom-in on Janice’s hand as Narrator continues]

Narrator: This woman has a royal straight flush, but she’s so stoned, she thinks the queen is having an affair with the jack.

[dissolve from shot of Janice’s hand to Janice as she begins to hear voices coming from her cards. Her eyes dart around nervously as she listens in on the conversation]

Queen Card: [in a high, British accent] Psst, Jack, after this hand, meet me at the bottom of the deck.

Jack Card: [also in a high, British accent] But what about the king? He’s standing right next to you!

Queen Card: Don’t worry. The old goat can’t keep up. We’ll lose him in the shuffle!

[Pull back to two shot of Janice, still zoned out from smoking pot, and Man #2, who has noticed that Janice hasn’t done anything]

Man #2: Come on, Janice, are you gonna open or what?

Everyone Else: Yeah, come on!

Janice: [dazed] Uh, no. Open? Oh, no, no, no. This is much too private. [puts cards face down on the poker table and turns away]

[Everyone else at the table groans. Dissolve to overhead shot of the five players]

Narrator: She’s so loaded, she’s folding a royal straight flush–and she doesn’t care!

[dissolve to Man #3, who, unlike the other stoned players looks a little too alert as he stares at his cards. The Female Poker Player deals him two more cards. He collects them]

Narrator: This man, drawing to a pair of nines with an ace kicker, didn’t smoke marijuana. Instead, while his friends were spacing out, he’d stay sharp and alert by drinking eight cups of coffee.

[Man #3 shows his hand of cards–a full house (a nine of diamonds, a nine of spades, an ace of clubs, an ace of spades, and an ace of diamons)–with a victorious smile on his face.]

Narrator: Wow! He’s filled out a full house. [Cut to close-up of the full house, followed by a three shot of Man #3 looking around to see if anyone can beat that]: Look at that hand. That’s the best hand he’s had all night–but he played it much too soon…

Female Poker Player: Misdeal!

Narrator: (cont’d) …because he’s wired from too much caffeine.

[Zoom out to a final overhead shot of the drugged-out players ending their poker game as everyone else grumbles over Man #3’s winning hand and Man #3 drinks from his coffee mug]

[Orange SUPER: “Poker and Drugs Don’t Mix” appear as the scene ends]

Narrator: Poker and drugs don’t mix. If you’re gonna get high, don’t play cards. This has been a satire of a public service announcement.

[applause as we fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
December 20th, 1980

David Carradine

The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

None

None

Andy Murphy

Neil Levy

Mitchell Kriegman
Joe’s Don Pardo ImpressionSummary: The voice of Don Pardo expresses his disapproval with Joe Piscopo’s hopes to replace him as SNL’s announcer.

Montage

David Carradine’s MonologueSummary: Charles Rocket gets a kung fu kick for trying to stop David Carradine from singing “I Wanna Be A Dancin’ Man” across grains of sand.

Gun CitySummary: A manic spokesman (Joe Piscopo) touts the last-minute Christmas firearms deals for the entire family.

Transcript

Kung Fu FashionsSummary: The black owner (Eddie Murphy) of a menswear shop gives traveling Caine (David Carradine) fashion advice.

Transcript

Valley Girls At The MallSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) try to impress boys (Joe Piscopo, Charles Rocket) at the mall.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Transcript

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket covers the story of a derelict Santa Claus (Charles Rocket) who wanders the streets of New York in despair.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus.

Transcript

Dylan & GuthrieSummary: Bob Dylan (Patrick Weathers) visits Woody Guthrie (David Carradine) in the hospital, and the two speak to one another via folksy song lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dylan.

Transcript

The Home Version of DallasSummary: Add a little excitement to your family’s strife by imitating the dysfunctional Ewing clan in the privacy of your home.

Transcript

“Mr. Bill’s Christmas Special”Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill recalls painful holiday memories of Christmases past.

Transcript

Kung Fu ChristmasSummary: Caine (David Carradine) and a black Bruce Lee (Eddie Murphy) co-star in a new Christmas movie.

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: While providing holiday do’s and don’ts, Ann Risley recommends including lard wrapped in plastic bags. Joe Piscopo silently comments on NBC Sports Executive Producer Don Ohlmeyer’s decision to run NFL broadcasts with on-screen statistics instead of using actual announcers.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of “The Pirates of Penzance” perform a medley of songs from the musical

Heroin in HarlemSummary: Lt. Sam Cleveland (Eddie Murphy) gives rich white drug users (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket) an authentic heroin experience in Harlem.

Transcript

The Virgin SearchSummary: A trio of NBC executives (Matthew Laurance, Mitchell Kriegman, Neil Levy) search the globe for a virgin, eventually crossing paths with Gail Matthius.

Transcript

Dopenhagen & Happy DazeSummary: Spokesperson (David Carradine) uses the product to stay smokeless and avoid lighting up.

Death of Colonel SandersSummary: Kentucky Fried Chicken diners (David Carradine, Denny Dillon, Eddie Murphy) eat fried chicken to mourn the passing of Colonel Sanders.

“The Dancing Man”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, an ordinary man (Bill Irwin) can’t keep himself from dancing.

Transcript

Welfare CounselingSummary: welfare counselor (Denny Dillon) advises recipients Ms. Robley (Yvonne Hudson) and Caine (David Carradine) to take up prostitution.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of “The Pirates of Penzance” perform a medley of Christmas carols

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts