[ open on suburban living room, Mom drinking on the couch as Dad storms into the room ]
Dad: Wha…? What, you’re DRUNK again! You’re JUST a LUSH!! Why, I oughtta…
Mom: [ rising slowly ] Well, you’re always hanging out with some two-bit SLUT!! [ they begin to scuffle ] Don’t touch me, I’ll kill you!!
[ Dad throws Mom down on the ocuch, as their Daughter runs into the room ]
Daughter: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I hate you BOTH!!
[ Mom backslaps Daughter and knocks her to the floor ]
[ dissolve to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: A typical evening at home? Not much fun, is it? But not any more! You’ve seen the TV show — now you can play the HOME vesion of “Dallas”! [ zoom out on product ] You’ll get hats, booze, wigs, and a cheap handgun — everything YOU need to play “Dallas” at home! Now, let’s see that scene again.
[ dissolve back to the living room, now featuring “Dallas” props ]
Dad: Sue Ellen! You’re DRUNK again! You’re JUST a LUSH!! Why, I oughtta…
Mom: [ rising slowly ] Ahhh, J.R., you’re always hanging out with some two-bit SLUT!! [ they begin to scuffle ] Don’t touch me, I’ll kill you!!
[ Dad throws Mom down on the couch, as their Daughter runs into the room ]
Daughter: [ tossing back her long, blonde wig hair ] SHUT UP! SHUT UP! J.R.! SUE ELLEN! I hate you BOTH!!
[ Mom backslaps Daughter and knocks her to the floor ]
[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Wooowwww!! What an adjustment! The argument is NOW exciting drama! If members of YOUR family are drunks, lechers, sleazebags, liars and sluts, wouldn’t you rather just think of them as The Ewings?! Well, now you CAN! With the home version of “Dallas”!
[ Open on superimposed titles on a black BG “THE DANCING MAN BY MITCHELL KRIEGMAN ]
[ Fade in on a rather weary looking man wearing sunglasses entering his apartment. He goes up to his bedroom, takes his glasses off and lays down on his bed. ]
[ We then cut to his alarm clock reading 6:14. The minutes click to :15, and the song “Shake Your Groove Thing” begins to blare. The man jumps up from his bed and dances like crazy, but then stops and turns the clock off. ]
[ We then cut to the man’s refrigerator as he gets out a pitcher of orange juice and pours it into his glass. We then start hearing the same song from an muffled, unknown distance. The man starts dancing again as juice splatters all over the place. He goes over to a wall and puts his hand against it, apparently trying to stop dancing, but the song then goes away. ]
[ Exhausted, the man sits down on the kitchen table and accidently puts his head down, but accidently smashes it on the wood, he gets up with a pained look on his face but gently puts his head down until the doorbell rings. ]
[ He goes to the door and opens it. Outside it is a young, black, deliveryman holding a boombox over his left shoulder and a package in his right hand. The man dances again while the deliveryman shakes his head at him like he is crazy. The man signs the delivery form and shuts the door, making the music stop, but the doorbell rings again and the man answers it. It is the same guy and the same music, so he takes the package and shuts the door. ]
[ We then cut to the man sitting at the table opening the package which turns out to be a music box. He opens the music box and the same song begins playing. The man dances uncontrollably, then he slides down his stairs. ]
[He then dances his way outside and down the sidewalk and starts dancing with a lady holding grocery bags. He lets go of her and continues to dance down the street ans the lady looks at him. ]
[ the crowd surrounding him yells out various renditions of “Good night!” and “Goodbye!” as the camera pulls back and the credits begin to roll ]
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be back in three weeks on January 10th. This is Don Pardo, wishing you a merry Christmas and a happy new year. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be spending New Year’s Eve at Art Fleming’s snorting [??].
Spokesman: [ manic ] Ho, ho, ho! Thinking of what to get your loved ones for Christmas?! Why not give the gift that KEEPS YOU LIVING — a GUN from Gun City!!
[ he holds up a tiny gun ]
For the First Lady of the house, get one of these teeny-weeny guns! Order NOW, and we’ll throw in this designer Gucci holster!
[ he holds up a bigger gun ]
For the TEENS, we’ve got a whole slew of Saturday Night Specials! Your kid will be the HIT of the dance floor, as they proudly display its spinning disco action!
[ he holds up a larger gun ]
And, Dad, you can celebrate the yuletide season by strapping on one of these Magnin .44s! If this baby can stop a charging rhino in its tracks, IMAGINE what it’ll do to the MEANEST MUTHA in da Bronx!! Buy it!! Be a man!! She’ll be HAPPY to see you with a PISTOL in your POCKET!! And Gun City has all the BULLETS you’ll ever need! [ he picks them up by the handful from a box ] These shells make GREAT stocking stuffers!! At Gun City, we sell to ANYONE!! PERMITS?!! HA HA!! We’ll take care of them!! We don’t care about your PAST, only your FUTURE!! So come on down! Arm your loved ones and put a BANG in their life!! At GUN CITYYYY!!!
Jingle: “Christmas fun starts with a gun!” [ shot rings out ] “Gun City!”
Nurse…..Ann Risley Woody Guthrie…..David Carradine Bob Dylan…..Patrick Weathers
[ open on interior, Woody Guthrie’s hospital room, as Guthrie strums his guitar ]
Nurse: [ entering ] Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Guthrie, but that young Mr. Dylan is here to see you. Now, would you like me to tell him to leave?
Woody Guthrie: Nahhh. Send the kid in.
Nurse: Okay, okay…
Woody Guthrie: He makes me laugh, you know? It take a lot to laugh. It takes a train to cry.
Nurse: That’s right. [ calling into the hallway ] Okay, you can come in.
[ Bob Dylan saunters in with his guitar ]
Bob Dylan: Hey! Hey, Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a song!
Nurse: Please, please. Quiet, please. This is a hospital.
[ the Nurse exits the room ]
Bob Dylan: Gee whiz! I didn’t mean to upset your nurse none.
Woody Guthrie: Aww, that’s just like a woman, kid! But don’t think twice, it’s alright.
[ Dylan writes these sage words across the top of his guitar ]
Woody Guthrie: What are you doing, writing a book?
Bob Dylan: Don’t mind me, Woody — just keep on a-talking.
Woody Guthrie: Ah, yeah. Well… I’m just blowing in the wind these days. Hell, I feel like I’m a-knock-knock-knocking on Heaven’s door. But I don’t know, I… I just keep hoping I shall be released.
Bob Dylan: Hmm…
Woody Guthrie: It’s like I was saying to Mick Jagger the other day: I can’t get no… satisfaction!
Bob Dylan: Who?
Woody Guthrie: You don’t know him, he’s a complete unknown. He’s like a… rolling stone.
Bob Dylan: Yeah. I can relate to that. I’m a complete unknown, no direction home.
Woody Guthrie: Like a rolling stone?
Bob Dylan: Yeah.
Woody Guthrie: How does it feel?
Bob Dylan: It’s alright.
Woody Guthrie: Hey, that’s right! I said that to Ray Charles just the other day. [ he pauses ] What’d I say?
Bob Dylan: It’s alright.
Woody Guthrie: Yeah! It’s alright! I said it to him a whole BUNCH of times!
Bob Dylan: Yeah. Hey, Woody, uh — listen to this song I wrote for you here. [ he strums his guitar ands sings ] “Hey, hey, Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a song.” What you think?
Woody Guthrie: Well, kid, you may not have much as a writer, but, uh… you got a great VOICE! Listen, do it more like this. Uh — [ strumming and singing ] “Heyyyy, Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a SONG!”
Bob Dylan: [ enunciating ] “I wrote you a SONG!”
Woody Guthrie: Yeah! Yeah!
[ the Nurse re-enters, appalled ]
Nurse: I don’t believe you!
Woody Guthrie: It ain’t me, babe! Oh, no, no, no, it ain’t me!
Nurse: Well, I’m sorry, but it’s time for your sedative.
Woody Guthrie: [ to Dylan ] Ah, you see, kid? They’ll stone you when you’re playing your guitar.
[ Dylan writes this down ]
Nurse: Well, you must not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned, as you put it.
Bob Dylan: Hey. Can I stick around and see if he talks in his sleep?
Nurse: Now, look — lights out an hour early tonight. Remember, it’s Daylight Savings.
[ the nurse exits the room ]
Woody Guthrie: Well, kid —
Together: The times, they are a-changing!
[ the camera pulls out on the set, with SUPER: “Coming Up: The Immoral Minority” ]
[ open on heroin den, as two pairs of white couples enter the room ]
Woman: Isn’t this place the most!
Bitsy: Well, it does have a certain charm!
Man: Well, I figure if we’re gonna do heroin, we might as well do it up right. I mean, after all, everyobdy’s doing it at all the chic parties.
Woman: Yeah, but we’re doing it in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]
Bitsy: I wonder if this is the same place where the Kennedy kids get theirs?
Peter: Ohhh… I don’t know about this heroin business. Aren’t you afraid it will lead to harder stuff?
Man: Oh, come on, Peter! Don’t poop on the party! Geez! I mean, you’re probably the kind of guy who worries about dirty needles. Losen up, huh?
Peter: Why don’t we — why don’t we just do cocaine?
Woman: Oh, cocaine is so last year! Cocaine is like quiche! Heroin is like…
Man & Woman: Sushi!
[ suddenly, a Junkie emerges from a back room ]
Pusher: Yo, man! What y’all doin’ in here?!
Woman: Uh — we’re here to SCORE! You a pusher?
Pusher: [ he pops out his switchblade ] I’m gonna CUT your white skin! [ he presses the blade to her neck ]
Bitsy: Oh… my… God…
Woman: Bitsy, this is all the — all the thrills are part of the heroin experience! They’ll DIE downtown when they find out we were threatened by a BLACK junkie in Harlem! [ she guffaws ]
Man: Oh, hey — you wouldn’t mind if I took a picture of you threatening my wife, would you? [ he takes out his camera and takes a photograph ] Hold it right there! Gotcha! Alright!
Peter: Alright, we are here for a reason — let’s talk heroin. How much? [ he takes out a roll of bills ]
Pusher: Say what?!
Peter: Pal, I don’t like to haggle on a deal! I’m a bottom-line guy. so, what is it?
Pusher: Well… [ he takes the roll of bills ] that’d be fine, what you got there. Here you go. [ he drops a stash on the table ]
Peter: Hmm… [ he picks up the stash ]
Man: Hey, wait a minute — I mean, you’re gonna show us how to use it, aren’t you?
Pusher: You just COOK IT and SHOOT IT!
Woman: Euuggghhh… can’t you bake it in a brownie, or something?
Pusher: Do I look like the Pillsbury Doughboy to you?
Bitsy: Now, is this 100% pure heroin? ‘Cause I don’t want to put anything unnatural into my body.
Man: That’s a good point. Hey, uh, let’s just snort it here. [ he distributes the heroin ] Here’s some for you… soem for you… some for you… Okay, we’re gonna snort it, alright? Everybody together, at the same time? Alright, ready? 1… 2…
Pusher: Okay, FREEZE! [ he steps forward ] Lt. Sam Cleveland, Narcotics Squad!
Man: Oh, WOW! It’s a BUST!
[ the other pretend junkies step forward with handcuffs ]
Woman: Officer, you must be kidding! You’re not really gonna arrest us!
Pusher: BOOK ’em!
Woman: What?! Come on, this is SILLY! My husband’s a stockbroker, I sell antiques — do we look like criminals?
Pusher: Look — I am SICK AND TIRED of you junkies coming up and giving Harlem a bad name! You should have STAYED on Park Avenue where you belong! Now, let’s get out of here!
Woman: Oh, come on…
Man: At least let us get some pictures…
[ the officers lead the men and women away, as the scene fades ]
Owner…..Eddie Murphy Customer…..?? Caine…..David Carradine Master…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open up on black menswear shop, as a customer checks himself in a mirror ]
Owner: You like that, don’t you?
Customer: LOVE it, man!
Owner: You look GOOD, man!
Customer: Thank you, Brother! Thank you!
Owner: I’m tellin’ you, man — you looking’ respectable now, I tell you!
Customer: You got it!
Owner: Now, don’t you be tellin’ nobody about them discounts I give you now!
Customer: That’s cool, baby.
Owner: That’s cool!
Customer: I’ll be back next Friday, just so you know.
Owner: Okay!
Customer: I appreciate what you doing for me.
Owner: Believe me, I’ll check you — hey, man, don’t forget your skilly now!
[ the customer grabs his hat and heads for the door, as Caine appears in the doorway ]
Customer: Watch where you GOING, man!
Caine: Uh, excuse me. The path is often narrow.
Customer: Sorry, man.
Caine: I seek water.
Customer: Well… when you FIND it, I hope you take a BATH in it!
[ he exits the shop ]
Owner: Say-hey, my man! What can I do you!
Caine: Uh — I have wandered far. My thirst is great. I seek water.
Owner: Water? Water? Man, you would have NO trouble finding something to drink if you were DRESSED right!
Caine: [ looking at his clothes ] A man’s soul is clothed in the remnants of his deeds.
Owner: Hey, man, look — there ain’t NO soul in looking thread-bare and funky! [ he removes Caine’s hat ] Now, take this stuff off. But you DO look funky, let me tell you. I don’t know what this is you got on. You must have been walking a long ways! Take this off, now. [ he reaches over to a rack ] Check this here out — Mohair! It’s got elastic armpits… a place for the stash over here. Check it out, man! When’s payday?
Caine: What’s “payday”?
Owner: You know — Payday! From work! Ohhh, I gets it — you a PLAYER!
Caine: Yes! I am the archer and the target… the pitcher and the catcher… the spectator in the stands. Sometimes, I sell the hot dogs.
Owner: Well, look, my man — you gonna play, you got to play for KEEPS! Now, you got to play in STYLE! [ he holds the jacet open for the timid Caine ] Go on, put it on!
Caine: Huh?
Owner: Put it on! It ain’t gonna hurt you! You looking — put that bag DOWN! You a tacky-looking white dude, let me tell you that!
[ Caine puts the jacket on, then wraps his satchel over it ]
Owner: Now, check this out — [ he places a hat on Caine’s head ] Simulated cheetah! You be turning heads and breaking necks with THAT hat, my man! Come on, take a look at yourself in the glass! You looking good!
Caine: I seek water.
Owner: Yeah, water, right. Just look at yourself in the mirror! You looking VICIOUS! Ha ha! Yeah.
[ Caine poses in front of the mirror, until the image of his Master appears ]
Master: Be not seduced by the allure of fine menswear, Grasshopper. For, with each season, fashions change. Trust not your fate to gay Italians, Grasshopper.
Caine: But, Master — where the peacocks gather, is not a gray sparrow made to eat at the small card table?
Owner: Say, I don’t even KNOW the dude, man!
Master: Is it clothes you seek, Grasshopper, or the approval of other men? Roll that around in your peabrain for a while!
Caine: Master! I wish to ask you one more thing!
Owner: Go ahead, Brother — I’m all ears!
Caine: Why do you call me “Grasshopper”?
Owner: Who called you “Grasshopper”?
Master: I call you “Grasshopper”, because you are ugly like insect.
[ Caine’s Master fades away ]
Caine: But, Master! I thought you were blind?
Owner: I’m not blind! I’m BLACK! And I ain’t called you no Grasshopper, neither! Now, look here, my — [ Caine twists around and karate chops at the Owner ] Say, be chilling, now! Don’t be hopping ’round the store! Come over here! I want you to check out this righteous walking stick! [ he holds up a walking stick ]
Caine: I cannot wear your jacket or walk your stick.
Owner: What’s wrong, man? That jacket fits PERFECT!
Caine: It fits the body, but not the… heart.
Owner: Oh, it’s tight around the chest? Well, let me customize it for you. I’ll put a little seam up under it. [ he holds a pair of scissors to the back of the jacket, as Caine jumps ] Hold still, now! I ain’t gonna cut you now. Y’all come over here, y’all get all scared — we ain’t gonna hurt you! [ he cuts a seam into the back of the jacket ] Here we go. You looking good! Go on, try it out now.
Caine: Soul and priest fears nothing.
[ Caine stands before the mirror once again and poses ]
Owner: Lord have mercy!
[ the image of Caine’s Master reappears in the mirror ]
Master: The man of the spirit wears not the clothes of the pimp!
[ Caine’s Master fades away ]
Caine: [ removing the jacket ] I cannot wear your jacket!
Owner: Say, but, hey — I CUSTOMIZED it! When I customize something, it’s SOLD! A SALE! Ffity dollars!
Caine: [ he shrugs ] I have no money.
Owner: You ain’t got no — well, then, you in TROUBLE, my man! You got some RINGS or something? What you got in the BAG over there?!
Caine: Only what a disciple needs.
Owner: [ confused ] I thought you was a player?
[ music stings ]
Caine: I am a wanderer. My name is Caine. [ he pauses ] They used to call me “Grasshopper”.
Owner: Oh, yeah?
Caine: Well… now, I must destroy your store.
Owner: Say what?!
[ Caine strikes martial arts poses ]
Caine: It’s what I do best.
Owner: Say, man — you been smoking DUST or something?!
Caine: Don’t worry, don’t worry… I do it in slow-motion.
Owner: Man, what’s wrong with you? You out your mind or —
[ Caine throws up his leg and karate kicks a display to the ground ]
[ the Owner quickly dials the phone, as Caine proceeds to destroy the store with his hands and feet ]
Owner: Say, POLICE?! I got a guy here tearing up the place! Yeah, he a BUM! A WHITE dude! I think he been smoking DUST! Used to be the GRASSHOPPER!
[ the band plays “Pick Up The Pieces”, as the camera pans out, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Babes In Thailand” ]
(A Christmas wreath is displayed with a message inside.)
Mr. Hands V/O: Mr. Bill, Miss Sally and Spot would like to cordially invite all you kiddies to spend Christmas Eve with us.
(Cut to Mr. Bill, Miss Sally and Spot standing out in the middle of a snowstorm with a fire barrel to keep them warm.)
Mr. Bill: Oh hey kids. Gee, I’m sorry we don’t have a better place to do our Christmas show from. We’ve had some hard times lately and.
(Spot barks)
Mr. Bill: Yeah and we haven’t had much to eat and it’s been real cold. But don’t worry kids because we’re still going to have a really merry Christmas. Yay! You know, Christmas hasn’t always been this bad. Why in fact Miss Sally, I can still remember my first Christmas when Santa came and he brought some Christmas presents and toys. Oh boy. Oh.
(Cut to the Bill’s house set up for Christmas with Mr. Bill as a baby in his crib with his mother watching him.)
Mr. Hands: (Deep voice) Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Baby Billy: Santa. Oh.
Mr. Hands: That’s right Billy. It’s Santa Sluggo and he says to hand our Christmas stockings high so we he can build them with plenty of Christmas treats (Places Spot’s stocking high on the wall)
Mom: Oh why don’t you leave Billy alone? We were having a nice Christmas. (Mr. Hands takes a huge bag and starts dumping the contents into the stocking) Oh wait, Spot’s under the stocking! Don’t fill it! Be careful Spot!(The stocking collapses on top of Spot. Mr. Hands dumps the rest of the bag on top of Spot) Oh no! Spot!
Mr. Hands: And say! Santa’s giving Billy a new train set. (Places a train track under Baby Billy’s crib.)
Mom: Leave Billy alone! (The toy train comes and knocks over Baby Billy and his mom.)
Mr. Bill V/O: Gee that was a terrible Christmas. But you know, I can remember the first Christmas I was able to help trim the Christmas tree. Oh yeah, that was good.)
(Billy is a toddler now in his playpen)
Mr. Hands: (Places a Sluggo in a Box with Spot on top of it) Say Billy. First we’ll need a star for our Christmas tree. Let’s see if Mr. Sluggo knows where we can get one.
Billy: Okay. (Mr. Hands turns the crank of the box. Sluggo pops up and sends Spot into the ceiling in the shape of a star.)
Mr. Hands: Oh Spot would make a great star. (Places Spot on top of the tree.)
Billy: Oh poor Spot. Oh why don’t you leave the poor little dog alone huh Mr. Hands?
Mr. Hands: Say Billy, could you help me string this popcorn?
Billy: Well okay but… (Mr. Hands uses the pin to stick the popcorn through Billy’s hand) Oh no! Don’t stick that! No wait stop no, Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Okay, now we’ll hang it on the tree (Wraps the popcorn and Billy on the tree.)
Billy: Oh I don’t like trimming the Christmas tree. Leave me alone!
Mr. Hands: But Billy, you make such a great looking ornament.
Billy: Oh Mr. Hands. Leave me alone!
Mr. Hands: There, isn’t that nice?
Billy: I don’t like it!
Mr. Hands: Okay, now I’ll light the tree. (Uses a lighter to set the Christmas tree on fire.)
Billy: No don’t do that! Oh no! (Falls off the tree)
Mr. Bill V/O: Oh gee and the next Christmas, I got my first sled.
(Cut to Billy sitting on his sled on top of a rocky mountain.)
Mr. Hands: Say Billy. How about a sleigh ride down the mountain?
Billy: No, but it didn’t snow this Christmas! No, leave me alone Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: Race you downhill! (pushes the sled down the jagged rocky mountain.)
Billy: Oh noooo! Oh noooooooo!
(Cut to an ice skating rink with Spot in it)
Mr. Bill V/O: Gee and the next Christmas, Spot got a pair of ice skates.
(An ice skate falls and slices Spot.)
Mr. Bill V/O: And soon I was old enough to get my first bike.
(Cut to a bicycle)
Mr. Hands: (placing Billy on the handle bars) Say Billy, why don’t you hop up on the handle bars? And I’ll give you a ride on your new bike (Starts pushing the bike)Billy: No, but I can’t hold on. I’m too young to ride (Falls off and gets chopped up inside the wheel) No wait, Ohhhhhhhh!
(Cut back to present day)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!
Miss Sally: But, Mr. Bill, this isn’t such a bad Christmas after all.
Mr. Bill: You know, that’s right Miss Sally. At least we all have each other. Yay! Merry Christmas everybody! Miss Sally: Merry Christmas!
(Spot barks)
Mr. Bill: Yay! and a Happy New Year! Everybody! See you next year! Yay! Bye Bye! Yay!
[ dissolve to outdoor Christmas setting, as Charles Rocket steps forward ]
Charles Rocket: Christmastime. Such a WONDERFUL time. Hi! Charles Rocket, in New York City! And I can’t think of a better place to be at Christmastime. Just take a look — the decorations, the excitement, the shopping, the shoppers, the stores! It’s just Christmas spirit… MAGNUM!
Well, I can’t think of anybody I’d much rather share the Christmas spirit with than… Old Saint Nick himself — Santa Claus! Too bad he can’t be here in New York to share all this Christmas spirit. But he’s too busy. What do you think he’s doing right now?
[ dissolve to Santa Claud drinking from a bottle on a corner of Times Square ]
Charles Rocket V/O: I’ll bet he’s up at the North Pole reading all the children’s letters, furiously trying to decide how many toys he can build and how much time it’s gonna take him.
[ cut to Santa Claus staggering in the middle of traffic to cross the street, as vehicles honk at him ]
Charles Rocket V/O: The elves are all pitching in, Mrs. Claus is baking cookies in the Claus home, and all the elves are running in out of the cold to get some cookies and some warm soup. How does he do it?
[ cut to Santa Claus digging through garbage on the sidewalk ]
Charles Rocket V/O: You know, he’s never asked anybody for any donatinos of any kind. Instead, he’s managed to come through every year, though he has nothing more than his dedication to children as his only means of support.
[ cut to Santa Claus looking in a shop window ]
Charles Rocket V/O: I think it’s wonderful that a guy would work so hard against ALL odds to take on a task so… SO enormous. And he always seems to come up with JUST the right kind of ideas for gifts for girls and boys, all over the world.
[ return to Charles Rocket ]
Charles Rocket: And… how does he know which girls are naughty and which girls are nice?
[ cut to Santa Claus propositioning women as they walk along the sidewalk ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Well, apparently, he has some secret system, whereby he simply reaches out and, as it were, comes up with the right answer each and every time, never missing a trick.
[ cut to Santa Claus lighting up on the sidewalk with help from a fellow passerby, then choking on the smoke ]
Charles Rocket V/O: And what does he do when he runs out of ideas? where does he get his inspiration? Now, I wouldn’t be surprised if, like a lot of us, he just gets CAUGHT UP in the spirit of things and just wants to, well, do anything he can just to make Christmas the special time of year that it is.
[ cut to Santa Claus stumbling down the stairs of a strip club and walking down the sidewalk ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Can you imagine what it mustb e like when Santa comes down the stairs after a warm and wonderful night with Mrs. Claus, and steps outside knowing he’s about to fulfill everyone’s msot important dreams and fantasies.
[ cut to Santa Claus urinating on the side of a building ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Always right there, where and when we want him.
[ return to Charles Rocket ]
Charles Rocket: Santa Claus! Truly a HECK of a guy with a HECK of a job, who really comes through in a HECK of a way each year after year. He sees the whole world in just one night. A guy who’s definitely as special as that needs… a kind of special love and affection that only we can seem to conjure up at Christmastime. But at least we’re capable of it. We do come through each time, every time, this time of year. I’m Chales Rocket! Christmastime in New York City! We’ll see you again some other time.
[ open on exterior, Cedar Mall during Christmas shopping ]
[ Valley girls Vickie and Debbie carry their bags and popcorn to a planter at the center of the scene, and sit ]
Vickie: [ she sighs ] I am Miss BORED City of 1980! What time is it?
Debbie: Well, it’s two, now. I mean, we’ve already been here four hours, but my mother’s not picking us up ’til 5:30.
Vickie: MY GOD!! We’ve done everything there is to DO at this STUPID MALL! God, I’m BORED to the MAX!
Debbie: We could go back to Hutton’s and try on the make-up at the counter?
Vickie: No WAY! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] RUDE CITY! I told her to bite the bag, and left.
So, uh… are the guys gonna meet us here or what?
Vickie: My God! Ask me, I’m sure, I don’t know. Well, Steve says… that Randy and he are coming here… and I go that we were coming here, too, and so that maybe they could see us. And then, Steve goes, “Okay.” And then, Randy goes, “Okay.” And then, I go, “Yeah.” And then, he goes, “Bye.” And then, I go, “Bye.” And he goes, “See ya’!” [ she laughs ] God! I almost DIED! I love it.
Debbie: [ excited ] Is this like a date, or what?
Vickie: I don’t know! But DON’T leave me alone with Steve, because he is SUCH a pervert. It’s Rape City. [ changing the subject ] What’d you buy?
Debbie: Oh… well, I got, like, you know, like, a candle for my sister? And then, like, I got some incense for my cousin in Cleveland…
Vickie: [ looking behind them ] Oh, don’t — don’t move! ‘Cause I think I see them. [ she looks again ] I DO! Oh, GOD, I’m so nervous!
Debbie: Are they coming over?
Vickie: [ whispering ] Yeah, they’re right here, shut up!
[ Steve and Randy approach ]
Steve: [ sitting on the edge of the planter ] Hi.
Vickie: [ in a more grown-up voice ] Hi, Steve.
Randy: WAIT! [ he runs across the floor, performs a jump-shot and slams his beer can into a garbage can ] TWOOO!! [ he swaps a cool handshake with Steve ]
Steve: [ to the girls ] So, uhhh… what’s happening?
[ Debbie giggles uncontrollably ]
Vickie: Well, we’ve just been all around, you know, shopping and some junk! And watching all the WEIRDOS come to the mall! [ she laughs ]
Debbie: Like this guy we saw at McDonlad’s! [ she laughs ]
Vickie: He was SO gross! [ she laughs ] And then Debbie starting laughing so hard that — [ she cracks up laughing ] root beer starting coming out her nose! God! I couldn’t believe you did it! That was so FAKE! God! Debbie! Stop being so quirky! God! [ she controls her laughter ] So, anyway — um, um, um —
Debbie: Then we practically got thrown out of Woolworth’s! They thought we were mental cases! [ she laughs ]
Vickie: Shut UP, Debbie! I’m sure! In the bag! So, um — skank! So, um — what do you guys wanna do?
Steve: Uh… we were just thinking of doing some, uh, Space Invaders.
[ Randy imitates the Space Invaders sound effects, cracking the girls up ]
Vickie: God, shut up!
Steve: [ standing ] Take it easy.
[ Steve and Randy exit and head for the arcade ]
Vickie: See? I told you he liked you!
Debbie: Well, he didn’t even say anything.
Vickie: He never DOES!
Debbie: You think he’ll call me?
Vickie: Oh, for sure! But you GOTTA write down a whole bunch of junk on a piece of paper and stuff, ’cause he doesn’t talk on the phone, either, and, like, you’ll probably have to do it ALL yourself. It’s really sad.
Debbie: Why were they acting so weird?
Vickie: They ACT that way around GIRLS, ’cause at our age, girls are TEN TIMES more mature than they are! They act so STUPID! But they can’t — they can’t help it!
Debbie: Yeah, that’s why I think we ought to go to Votech and meet some of those college guys.
Vickie: [ aghast ] THEY act like that, TOO! I swear — ALL guys, except for dads, act that way! I’m serious.
