Category: 1980

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5

80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

The Virgin Search

Head NBC Executive…..??
NBC Executive #1…..Matthew Laurance
NBC Executive #2…..Mitchell Kriegman
NBC Executive #3…..Neil Levy
Deborah Lynn Faulkner / French girl / Nun / herself…..Gail Matthius

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]

[ dissolve to NBC executives entering the head executive’s office ]

Head NBC Executive: You know what I have here, team? A software printout from our in-depth hardware research.

NBC Executive #2: Fabulous!

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Great! Terrific!

Head NBC Executive: Now, cool it. Now, cool it. Here she is: Sophisticated, yet naive.

NBC Executive #1: Naive! Naive!

Head NBC Executive: Typical, yet unique in a girl-next-door kind of way.

NBC Executive #1: Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!

Head NBC Executive: Your job, team —

NBC Executive #1: Uh-huh?

Head NBC Executive: Go out and FIND her.

NBC Executive #1: No problem!

[ the executives stand so start their mission ]

Head NBC Executive: One other thing!

[ they sit ]

Head NBC Executive: She’s gotta be a virgin.

NBC Executive #2: A virgin?

[ dissolve to Anytown, U.S.A., during high school footgame ]

[ the executives spot a cheerleader jumping on the field ]

NBC Executive #1: That’s her! Hold on to these [ he hands his fellow executive a pair of binoculars and begins to climb through the crowd ] Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

[ the executive jumps the stands onto the field and approaches the cheerleader ]

NBC Executive #1: Miss Deborah Lynn Faulkner?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: I’m with the NBC Company, and I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: Ah sure am!

NBC Executive #1: Great! There’s just one thing. Uh, you are a virgin, aren’t you?

Deborah Lynn Faulkner: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

[ dissolve to Paris, France ]

[ the executives sit at an outdoor cafe as a group of schoolchildren pass by ]

NBC Executive #1: [ he approaches a young French girl ] Uh — Mademoiselle? Uh — excuse moi, uh — uh — parlez-vous English? Anglais?

French Girl: Oui, Monsieur.

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Êtes-vous une… une… a virgin?

French Girl: Qu’est-ce que virgin?

NBC Executive #1: [ to his fellow executives ] How do you say “virgin”?

NBC Executive #2: [ looking it up ] Vierge. Vierge.

NBC Executive #1: [ to the French girl ] Un vierge?

French Girl: [ giggling ] Uh, no, Monsieur! Monsieur Roman Polanski et moi! [ she laughs and runs off ]

[ dissolve to Rome, Italy ]

[ a group of nuns walk through a conservatory ]

NBC Executive #1: Uh — uh — Sister? May I speak with you for just a minute? Uh — how would you like to be a big, American TV star? Uh — big bucks! Pictures for People magazine! [ she nods ] Hmm? Yeah? Terrific! Terrifico! Bueno! Uh… you are a virgin, right?

[ Executive #2 translates ]

[ the nun throws the contract down and walks away ]

Nun: DAMN YOU, Father Sarducci!

[ dissolve to Los Angeles, California ]

[ the executives sit in a bar, feeling sorry for themselves ]

NBC Executive #1: What’s the use? We failed. It’s not our fault! There are no virgins anywhere! Except my mother.

[ Gail Matthius crashes up to the bar ]

Gail Matthius: [ to the bartender ] Hey, excuse me! Excuse me, Mac! Hey! Hey! You — you, like, got special people that come in here, like, say, movie stars or celebrities or, like, TV physicists? You got those in here? You got, like — okay! Okay! So, Carl Sagan. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not on drugs or something! I don’t do drugs! I don’t do no booze! I don’t even do no SEX, man! I don’t even do S-E-X! [ Executive #1 taps her shoulder ] What?! Hey! What?! You probably thinknig why I dont’ even do sex, right?

NBC Executive #1: Uh — did you say you’re a virgin?

Gail Matthius: That’s right! I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: A virgin?

Gail Matthius: I’m saving myself for Carl Sagan! That’s right!

NBC Executive #1: We’ve found a virgin!

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] What?

NBC Executives: [ toasting their glasses ] A VIRGIN!!!

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan!

NBC Executive #1: Come with me…

Gail Matthius: You know Carl Sagan?

NBC Executive #1: Right this way.

Gail Matthius: Hey, what’s the deal?!

[ they help drag her out of the bar ]

[ dissolve back to 30 Rockefeller ]

Head NBC Executive: Miss Matthius — may I call you Gail?

Gail Matthius: Yeah, sure! You can call me anything you like! But, listen — these guys hauled me in here! I think they know who Carl Sagan is! You know him?

Head NBC Executive: A lot of potential…

Gail Matthius: Do you know Carl Sagan?!

Head NBC Executive: Definitely a lot of potential.

Gail Matthius: Carl Sagan! You know him?!

Head NBC Executive: Yes… you’re absolutely perfect.

Gail Matthius: [ confused ] Huh?

[ dissolve back to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the theme from “Network” playing ]

Gail Matthius V/O: It just goes to show you! Even in America, things like this can still happen! Huh!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
January 10th, 1981

Ray Sharkey

Jack Bruce & Friends

None

None
To Tell The TruthSummary: After revealing himself in a game show line-up, the real Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno (Matthew Laurance) is shot by a fellow gangster (Charles Rocket).

Transcript

Montage

Ray Sharkey’s MonologueSummary: Ray Sharkey jokes about his flight across the country and how much he loves New York.

Transcript

Work TimeSummary: Manual laborers drink beer before going to work, because it makes a lot more sense than being sober.

WASP TranslatorSummary: Marcello Bellini (Ray Sharkey) helps translates the repressed feelings bottled up by uptight WASPs Charles Huntington (Charles Rocket) and Ann Huntington (Ann Risley).

Tommy TortureSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) meet punk rocker Tommy Torture (Ray Sharkey) at a new wave club.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Citizens For A Better AmericaSummary: Dr. Swen Gazzara (Gilbert Gottfried) requests that President Reagan give him a “hum” job.

Transcript

Jimmy Carter at the BarSummary: A depressed Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) drowns his sorrows at a Washington bar in the days before Reagan’s inauguration, while Charles Rocket delivers a report on New York’s January 11th celebration outside.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Gail Matthius is thrilled to be Charles Rocket’s new co-anchor. Crime forecaster Marv Peters (Gilbert Gottfried) consults the Murder Map for the latest national figures. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo comments on Joe Frazier’s retirement and the growing excitement of professional bowling. Eddie Murphy requests that the draft board pass him over in favor of now out-of-work Garrett Morris.

Jack Bruce & Friends perform “Dancing On Air”

Cinematic ConfessionSummary: With a little help from his interrogator (Ray Sharkey), Vic Lazlo (Gilbert Gottfried) delivers a cinematic confession.

Transcript

“Have A Nice Day”Summary: Trailer spoofs slasher films by using smiley face symbols as the antagonists of a new horror flick.

White Baby SalesmanSummary: Shifty salesman (Eddie Murphy) moves black market white babies on unsuspecting childless couples in the park.

Transcript

Surrogate MothersSummary: A pair of surrogate mothers (Yvonne Hudson, Denny Dillon) act unruly to show their defiance for a pair of lackadaisical moms-to-be (Gail Matthius, Ann Risley).

“The Man With The Black Hat”Summary: In a film by Michael Nesmith and William Dear, a man walks around the street with his pants draped around his ankles.

Stop-A-NutSummary: The personal protection unit provides armored defense against attackers and other personal offenders.

The Waiter-MakerSummary: After star waiter Joey Dee (Charles Rocket) heads off for bigger dreams, restaurant owner Vinnie Vacarri (Ray Sharkey) tries to mold Velveeto the busboy (Gilbert Gottfried) into the perfect server.

Commercial For NothingSummary: A spokesman (Joe Piscopo) pitches a non-existent product for the low cost of $9.99.

Transcript

Eddie Murphy Stand-UpSummary: Eddie Murphy performs stand-up about an inner-city insult contest.

Note: Producer Jean Doumanian was forced, at the suggestion of Neil Levy, to allow Eddie Murphy to perform the stand-up routine he auditioned with when it was discovered that the show was running short and had no other material to use as filler. Murphy would finally be upgraded to full cast member on the next episode thanks to his performance.

Transcript

Jack Bruce & Friends perform “Livin’ Without Ja”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

White Baby Salesman

Drug Dealer…..Ray Sharkey
Baby Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
Man…..Joe Piscopo
Woman…..Ann Risley
Mother…..Denny Dillon

[ open on park sidewalk, night, as two dealers hustle people as they walk by ]

Drug Dealer: — I got hash. I got everything!

Baby Dealer: I got white babies! WHITE babies, people!

[ a passing couple stop, curious ]

Baby Dealer: Very white! Just came in today. Like a PEARL white!

Woman: Alan, this could be the answer to our prayers!

Man: Oh, I don’t know. The Margulins got burned at this park, buying a white baby. It turned out to be a bowling pin.

Woman: Well, the Margulins are idiots! Let’s at least take a look.

Man: Ah… you really want this baby, don’t you?

Woman: Well — either that, or a sofa bed.

[ the two salesmen overhear this ]

Drug Dealer: [ frustrated ] Sofa bed? Where’d you get babies?!

Baby Dealer: No, dude… just be cool.

[ the couple step forward ]

Man: Uh — [ he clears his throat ] We’re, uh, interested in the, um, white, um, baby.

Baby Dealer: Yeah, well, uh, how many you want?

Woman: Just one, I think.

Baby Dealer: Well… I can give you a price break if you buy two, plus I’ll throw in some talcum powder!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Hey — you gotta have cocaine! I got downers! I got —

Man: Uh, just — may we ask, uh, who the actual parents are?

Baby Dealer: [ nervous ] Yeah… they, uh, was a young couple…

Woman: We just want one special baby. Can we see it?

Baby Dealer: Yeah, sure. Right in here. [ he lifts a garbage can lid and points inside ] Check him out.

Woman: [ looking in ] Ohhhh, he’s beautiful!

Baby Dealer: Yeah, you ain’t gonna find another one like him! He got all his SHOTS and everything!

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] How about a briefcase, man?! I got BRIEFCASES here!

Man: I’d still like to know who the actual parents are.

Baby Dealer: I TOLD you — it was a young career couple, they got married into an adults-only co-op, and they had to get rid of the baby!

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Honey, he’s smiling at me! He likes us! Let’s get him!

Man: Oh, I don’t know… what are all those red splotches? He seems to have a rash.

Baby Dealer: ALL white babies got that!

Woman: [ pleadingly ] I like red splotches.

Drug Dealer: [ interrupting ] Say, wait a minute! How about some canned goods?! I got some chicken gumbo right there! Condensed, and everything! How about it, sir? Come on!

Baby Dealer: Hey, look, man — can’t you see I’m conducting business here?

Drug Dealer: Hey, don’t give me no —

Man: Well, let’s see… hold on…

Baby Dealer: How about I put your behind in this garbage can?!

Man: Uh… uh… let’s see, you said, uh…

Baby Dealer: $500.

Man: Yes. Well, here you go. Right there. [ he hands over money ] $500.

Baby Dealer: Well… when I see the green, you can have the baby. There you go, take it!

[ the Woman picks up the baby and squeals with delight ]

[ a young woman walks into the park, and is quickly approached by the drug dealer ]

Drug Dealer: Smoke! Got some hash, got some downs, some produce!

[ she steps closer to the baby dealer and the couple ]

Mother: Excuse me? Has anyone here seen a, a baby boy? He-he has a red, splotchy face…?

[ the drug dealer tries to back off ]

Baby Dealer: Uh — no. But if we see the baby, we’ll tell you about it!

Mother: He was right next to me in the stroller! You know, I went to catch a stray frisbee, and then —

[ she spots the baby being held by the couple ]

Mother: That’s my baby! Splotchy!

[ the woman pulls her new baby away ]

Woman: Not any more, it isn’t! We just paid FIVE BIG ONES for it!

Mother: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?! SOLD for $500?! I paid $750 for him LAST WEEK! I have the receipt right here! Look at that!!

Man: Let me see that… [ he inspects the receipt ]

[ meanwhile, the dealers have casually exited the scene as the commotion escalates ]

[ camera pans upward into audience, zooms toward man with SUPER: “This Man Has A Lot Of Cole Slaw In His Underwear” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Commercial For Nothing

Spokesman…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Hi, everybody! Here’s great news! It’s here! The greatest little discovery EVER! There’s absolutely NOTHING to mix or measure! No moving parts! No messy creams!

[ the sales pitch expressions randomly begin to fill the screen ]

Here’s how to order: Trace your face on a piece of paper, and send $9.99 to Box 0, New York, New York 99999! Be sure to include ring size! Don’t delay, because when they’re gone… they’re gone!

Do it today! Send no money! Just rush $9.99 to Box 0, New York, New York 99999!

Specify one or two-car garage! And remember: No guarantee! No money back! No product! Please check Red, Blue, Green, or Natural Oak!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Cinematic Confession

Interrogator…..Ray Sharkey
Vic Lazlo…..Gilbert Gottfried
Technician…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, Interrogation Room ]

Interrogator: Alright, Lazlo! Where were you on the night of December 14th?!

Lazlo: I — I was at a movie!

Interrogator: WHAT movie?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — one of those science-fiction movies!

Interrogator: What theater?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — the Paramount!

Interrogator: What was the name of the movie?!

Lazlo: Uh — uh — it’s “Star Wars”!

Interrogator: Don’t give me that “Star Wars” crap! It’s gone! “Raging Bull”‘s there now!

Lazlo: Uhhh — you got me MIXED UP!

Interrogator: Look! Why don’t you admit it, Lazslo? You robbed the grocery store at gunpoint on the night of December 13th!

Lazlo: Okay, I did it!!

Interrogator: [ surprised ] What?!

Lazlo: I did it!!

Interrogator: Are you ready to make a FULL confession?!

Lazlo: Yeah!

Interrogator: [ he holds up a gun and points it at Lazlo ] You sure?

Lazlo: Yeah!

Interrogator: Great. [ he returns the gun to his holster ] Now, we gotta put this all on tape now. It shouldn’t take us long. Police regulations, you know what I mean? [ he opens the door and peeks into the hall ] Alright, come on in, guys, set it up! Bring everything right here. How are you, Al?

Technician: [ entering with equipment ] I’m all set.

Interrogator: How’s the wife and kids?

Technician: Not bad.

Interrogator: Alright. Bring it right in here.

[ the equipment is set up ]

Interrogator: Alright. Now, you just tell the whole story, Lazlo, right into the camera right there!

Lazlo: Videotape?

Interrogator: Yeah, it’s police regulations! Don’t worry about it!

Lazlo: Okay.

Interrogator: How’s the mike, good?

Lazlo: Yeah.

Interrogator: Alright.

Lazlo: [ nervously ] My — my name is Vic Lazlo. I was behind in my rent. I got laid off from my job, so I went out and got a gun from some guy off the street.

Interrogator: Cut! Cut. I don’t know. I don’t know, Laz. I, uh, I don’t BUY it! You know what I mean? You gotta, like — you gotta, like, BEEF UP the confession. You gotta — I GOT IT!! A girl! We’ll use a girl! Put a girl in it!

Lazlo: There wasn’t any girl there.

Interrogator: Come on! Whare are you talking about? Here! Let me show you! Get outta here! I’ll show you what to do!

Lazlo: But there wasn’t any girl…

[ they switch places ]

Interrogator: Look — you gotta be an actor, you gotta be an actor. Here we go. [ sobbing ] “On the night of December 14th, I was flat broke! I was behind in my rent! That night, I made passionate love with my girl. Later, we fought, she kicked me out, then I went out into the street to buy a gun!” You got it?

Lazlo: Well, I’ll — I’ll give it a try.

Interrogator: Good! Let’s do it again, okay, guys?

[ they switch places ]

Interrogator: How’s everybody feeling, good? Look RIGHT into the camera! Okay, and… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ in a 1930’s gangster tone ] “It was December 14th. I was lying on my couch with my girl. She started arguing with me. She said she wanted pearls and furs and lots of pretty stuff. But I just didn’t have the dough! Well, I was getting pretty sore, so I went out and I bought a heater, and I was ready to use it!”

Interrogator: Cut! Cut.

Lazlo: What is it now?

Interrogator: I don’t know, Vic. Uh — you’re unhappy, you know what I mean? You gotta lot of ANGER inside! Let’s see that anger against society!

Lazlo: [ sighing ] This is my confession. I think the anger should come later on.

Interrogator: Vic, darling, don’t worry about it, okay? Come on, let’s pick it up again at, uh… [ snapping his fingers ] “I was ready to use it” and, uh — you know what I’m talking about, right?

Lazlo: Yeah, yeah.

Interrogator: You feel good?

Lazlo: Okay.

Interrogator: Okay — ready? And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ with anger seething ] “And I was ready to use it, even if meant a stretch in the pen! NOTHING could stand in my way!”

Interrogator: CUT! Cut!

Lazlo: Look, look — I can’t work this way! You’re screwing up my whole story! I mean, I don’t understand this. Alright, there’s a girl — what does she look like? What is our relationship like?

Interrogator: Vic, Vic… come to Poppa! Come here! [ they hug ] Don’t worry about it, hey? Come on, everything’s gonna be okay, alright?

Lazlo: Yeah.

Interrogator: The girl’s, uh, the girl’s a sexy redhead, you’ve been having an intense relationship with her… you know what I mean. Now, come on! Let’s take it from the top, alright? Time is money, executives are breathing down my neck. [ to the technicians ] Hey, how you guys doing? You feeling good? You got time for one more? Alright, alright, let’s go. Okay, roll it! And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ with intesne anger ] “After my girl left… I bough a gun! From a man named Scummy Frank! His name was written ALL over his face! I LOATHED him, but I had no choice!”

Interrogator: CUT!

Lazlo: Cut? Cut? What do you mean, cut?

Interrogator: I-I’m sorry, Vic. We’re out of tape. I mean —

Lazlo: [ incredulous ] The machine’s out of tape?

Interrogator: I’m really sorry, Vic.

Lazlo: Look — [ he stands ] First, you cheapen my story… you throw a girl into it for the sake of, I don’t know, cheesecake! I REFUSE to work under these conditions! I don’t work for YOU any more! You get yourself a CHEAP PICKPOCKET to finish this film for you!

Interrogator: Vic, baby! Sweetheart! Baby, come on, you’re great! You know you’re great! Come on, do this for me, just one more time! Please! Justdo it for me ONE more time! I’ll give you anything you want! Lunch at the Polo Lounge for a year! Please!

Lazlo: Alright, alright! Okay, okay! For you.

Interrogator: Okay!

Lazlo: But we get rid of the girl, we shoot this story and the confession my way, the original way.

Interrogator: Sure, Vic! Anything you want!

Lazlo: Much better.

Interrogator: Anything you want, sure! Alright, guys, we’re shooting it his way. Okay… roll it! And… ACTION!

Lazlo: [ assertively ] “My name is Vic Lazlo, I’m a cheap hood! I was behind my rent, so on December 14th, I got myself a gun and held up the Chelsea grocery store! [ dramatically ] I CONFESS!! I DID IT!!! I’M GUILTYYYYY!!!!”

Interrogator: CUT!!! PRINT!!! IT’S A WRAP!!! Go back to the gas chamber, we got it! [ hugging Lazlo ] Okay, baby, we got it! Beautiful! Beautiful!

[ dissolve to overhead studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Tupperware Diaphragms” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Eddie Murphy Stand-Up

…..Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy: How you doing? I’m Eddie Murphy. Anybody in the audience ever — [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] Thank you! Thank you. [ the audience calms down ] How many people in the audience have seen Black people fight before? [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] For those of you who haven’t, I’ll show you what it’s like:

[ Eddie turns his head and falls into character ]

“What did you say to me, man? What? Now, wait a second! Now, be cool, man! Me and you gonna talk!” [ looks to his side ] “Little Dude, did you hear what he said about my Momma? The dude said my Momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand! Now, my momma leg ain’t got no kickstand on it, man! It’s just a regular wooden leg! Don’t you be exaggeratin’ about my Momma, man!”

[ Eddie looks around himself ]

“He said WHAT?! Your Momma got a wooden leg with a KICKSTAND on it?! You crazy man! You should whip his behind, man! Whip it, what, just like that record sing! Whip it! Whip it good! Put your FOOT in his BUTT! Keep it in there for a little while!”

“Hey, be cool, little dude! I’m gonna say something about HIS Momma! Say, man! [ to the little dude ] Listen to this here. Say, man! YOUR Momma… got some MOUTH in the back of her NECK! And the bitch chew like THIS!” [ Eddie stretches his arms out and swings his head up and down ] “Hear what I say about his Momma, little dude?”

[ laughing, as Little Dude: ] “Momma got a mouth on the back of her neck and chew like!” [ imitates the motion ] “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! Oh! Oh! Whip his butt! Don’t be changin’ the subject, you gettin’ your behind WHIPPED! Believe me!” [ does a double take ] “Say, man — put that gun away! Whatchoo gonna do with that gun, shoot somebody? Well, then, SHOOT HIM! Go ahead, shoot him! He’s messing with you, not me! Shoot him!”

“That’s right, man! Shoot me, if you gonna shoot somebody!”

[ Eddie makes a popping sound, then looks down at little dude and smiles ]

“Nice shot, man!” Thank you!

[ the audience applauds ]

Eddie Murphy: Once again — here is Jack Bruce & Friends!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Goodnights

Dr. Swen Gazzara…..Ray Sharkey

Ray Sharkey: We had a ball! Thank you, good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Citizens For A Better America

Dr. Swen Gazzara…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Dr. Swen Gazzara, Exec. Dir., Citizens For A Better America, seated at desk ]

Dr. Swen Gazzara: THe other day, I said it’s about time I bought myself an enema. So I went to my local Rexall’s and bought an enema. Later that night, using it under normal conditions, it clogged. It was then that the old expression “They don’t make ’em like they used to” hit me. Why does this country produce such shoddy goods? Why? Because Americans have lost faith and pride in their work. Everyone wants a glamour position. The american people are not satisfied with routine employment. They resent having boring, tedious, subservient, just plain and humdrum jobs. Let’s refer to them here and out as… “hum” jobs.

I come from a humble working class family. My father had a “hum” job. My mother had a “hum” job. And me? — I’ve had several “hum” jobs. For every corporate leader and every prestigious, high-paid executive, there are many workers underneath them performing thw “hum” jobs. [ an audience member “Whoo”s ]

So come on, America, let’s put pride back in our work, no matter how meager. Let’s say: “Mr. President, give me a job digging ditches! Give me a job mopping floors! Give me a job selling newspapers! Mr. President… give me a “hum” job!”

[ dissolve to “PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” card ]

Announcer: This has been a Public Service message.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Ray Sharkey’s Monologue

…..Ray Sharkey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ray Sharkey!

[ Sharkey runs out, does a pratfall and lands seated on the floor, then jumps to his feet ]

Ray Sharkey: ALRIGHT!! [ he blows kisses to the audience ] Hi, everybody! 20 million people out there — I LOVE YOU!!

Voice from the Audience: We do, too!

Ray Sharkey: [ he shrugs ] That’s my mother, it’s okay. [ the audience laughs ] It really is! It really is my mother! Back in New York, man! This is it, I gotta tell you. This is the greatest [ mouths: “fuckin'” ] city in the whole world! [ the audience cheers ] Alright! When I got here, they said to me the irst thing I gotta do is come out and, uh, you know, say a few words… I said, “Great!” Hey — a monologue! I always wanted to do a monologue, you know? Those laughs… tell some jokes… a little stand-up routine. So, a little later on, I’m gonna tell some jokes and stuff, and I may need a little help from the audience out there. You guys are my friends — right?

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]

Okay! That’s later! But I gotta tell you about my trip coming into town — in one minute. I go through this whole thing. I got off the plane, right? I fly from Los Angeles to New York — a distance of about… 3,000 miles, right? It took five hours, okay? To get my bags from the plane to the car — 300 feet — it takes me about SIX hours! Fuhgeddaboudit! So I get in the cab, I get on the freeway — oh, they call ’em “highways” here, sorry about that! — and I look and I see the 59th Street Bridge, and I know I’m home. You know? I mean, it’s like what a feeling. Ugh! The worst thing about it — I took this flight, it’s called a Redeye. Anybody take the Redeye? [ the audience cheers ] Fuhgeddaboudit! I mean, everybody walks on the plane looking so beautiful… the next day, it’s like, fuhgeddaboudit! I sat next to this woman, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. In the morning, she wakes up, she looks like… ugh! Fuhgeddaboudit! We broke up — I didn’t even sleep with her! It was terrible. When I got to the city, I got so depressed, you know? I was driving in the car, and this BLIZZARD was comin’ down! Fuhgeddaboudit! And it snows… there’s a beautiful white blanket. I’m depressed and then, wait a minute, man… underneath this white blanket is the greasy, gray film and dirt of New York. This is, this is my home, and I love it! I’m glad to be back!

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

And about those jokes, you know what? I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m gonna do it! Forget about the jokes! I’m here to have a good time, and we’re ALL here to have a good time! We’ve got a GREAT show! Hang on, we’ll be right back! ENJOY YOURSELVES!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6

80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

To Tell the Truth

Number One…..Matthew Laurance
Number Two…..Charles Rocket
Number Three…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on silhouettes of three men ]

[ camera zooms in on first man as his face is lit ]

Announcer: Number One: What is YOUR name, please?

Number One: My name is… Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno.

Announcer: Number Two?

Number Two: My name is Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno.

Announcer: And Number Three?

Number Three: My name is Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno!

Announcer: [ reading ] “I, Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno, was once one of the highest members of the Mafia. I have personally murdered many people, some of them close friends. When I learned there was a contract out on my life, I decided to turn government conformant. Since then, I have become responsible for the convictions of Teamster officials in San Francisco, and Mafia bosses in Los Angeles and New York. In addition, my testimony has led to a grand jury investigation of Frank Sinatra’s alleged ties with convicted mobsters. At this moment, the Mafia is OUT to get me, and my life isn’t worth a plug nickel.”

Now! Will the REAL Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno… please step forward?

[ the three men make half-hearted attempts to step forward and back in an effort to tease the audience, until Number One finally steps forward to reveal his true identity ]

[ the audience applauds ]

[ Number Two whips out a pistol and shoots Jimmy “The Weasel” Fratianno in the back of the head ]

[ as Fratianno drops dead, Number Three looks at Number Two with grave concern ]

[ Number Two wraps his arm around Number Three’s neck and points his gun at his face ]

Number Three: [ panicked ] “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!”

SNL Transcripts