Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 17th, 1981 Karen Black Cheap Trick Stanley Clarke Trio None Bill Martin Michael Nesmith Rich Schmaltz Pete Fatovich Jeannine Kerwin Carters Leave the White HouseSummary: On Inauguration Day, Rosalynn Carter (Ann Risley) instructs Jimmy (Joe Piscopo) and Amy (Denny Dillon) to strip the White House bare before the Reagans move in. Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter, Amy Carter. Transcript
Montage
Karen Black’s MonologueSummary: Karen Black will say absolutely anything to garner cheap audience applause. Also Hosted: 76d. Transcript
The Legendary ComposersSummary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) pitches an album containing the classical origins of today’s hottest hits.
Foundation For The Tragically HipSummary: In a clip from “Elephant Parts”, spokesman (Bill Martin) for the Foundation For The Tragically Hip solicits financial donations to help spoiled rich kids survive in a material-based mindset.
The LivelysSummary: Game show host Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) and his lovely wife, Francis (Gail Matthius), invite their new neighbors (Gilbert Gottfried, Denny Dillon) over for dinner and a quiz show-style interrogation. Recurring Characters: Phil Lively, Francis Lively.
Reagan’s Vice PresidentSummary: At Frank Sinatra’s (Joe Piscopo) request, President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) appoints wife, Nancy (Gail Matthius), as his Vice-President. Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Frank Sinatra, Nancy Reagan. Transcript
The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket rides along as New York City’s daredevil cab driver, Rich Schmaltz, cuts through traffic at a red light. Transcript
Mona Lisa in LoveSummary: A museum security guard (Charles Rocket) tells the Mona Lisa (Karen Black) he wants to break up. Transcript
Cheap Trick performs “Baby Loves to Rock”
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Mary Lou James (Ann Risley) provides dieting tips for stupid dieters. The stock footage of “Rush to the Sunbelt!” documents the migration to the midwest. Joe Piscopo contradicts his stance on the scalping of Super Bowl XV tickets by trying to unload his own pair for a profit. Transcript
60 MinutesSummary: Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo) offsets an investigation into the mysterious lack of women journalists at CBS. Recurring Characters: Dan Rather. Transcript
Stroke VictimSummary: A stroke victim (Gilbert Gottfried) is unable to communicate with the chatty visitors in his hospital room.
Fair Dinkum Championship FinalsSummary: Sports Reporter Joe Piscopo is on the scene at the championship Fair Dinkum Finals between manly Scottish athletes (Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance).
Neighbor ConfrontationSummary: The woman next door (Yvonne Hudson) complains to her neighbor (Eddie Murphy) about the noise coming from his stereo. Transcript
Paulie Herman at the DinerSummary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) and his newfound lunch companion (Karen Black) channel their inner Jack Nicholson while trying to order a simple piece of wheat toast at a roadside diner. Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman. Transcript
Cheap Trick performs “Can’t Stop It But I’m Gonna Try”
Saturday Night Live Action DollsSummary: Charles Rocket demonstrates how much fun it is to play with the cast action dolls. Transcript
What’s It All About?Summary: Karen Black can’t keep up with the changing subjects discussed by hosts Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried). Recurring Characters: Pinkie Waxman, Leo Waxman.
National Handgun AssociationSummary: Proving the adage that “People that kill people, not guns”, A mugger (Matthew Laurance) uses a black man (Eddie Murphy) to rob a pair of innocent victims (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley). Transcript
…..Charles Rocket …..Gail Matthius John Anderson…..Joe Piscopo Barry Grosscup…..Gilbert Gottfried
[ open on Charles Rocket seated behind the revamped Weekend Update set, nonchalantly scribbling notes on his news sheets ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for Weekend Update, with anchorman Charlie Rocket.
Charles Rocket: Good evening. I’m Charles Rocket.. with Weekend Update.
Like most American men, Ronald Reagan spent this afternoon at home, watching the Notre Dame-Alabama football game. Unwilling to offend either his Irish-Catholic or his Southern Baptist supporters, Reagan remained steadfastly neutral, and would say only that he was grateful “no white player had been injured.”
Late tonight, President-Elect Reagan announced that he intends to keep at least one of his campaign promises, and will appoint a black to his cabinet. The new administration’s Secretary of Defense is to be Shirley Temple Black.
In a bold move to bolster the sagging economy, Reagan also announced that he intends to abolish the Federal Department of Education. Reagan claims the strategy will aid millions of out-of-work Americans with college degrees, who can now be put to work reading conservative books and magazines aloud to a generation of younger, illiterate citizens.
Charles Rocket: [ holds his hand to his ear ] Apparently, Im’ receiving some word — yes, there seems to be some commotion outside the White House. Uh, we take you now to Washington for a live report from Gail Matthius. [ turns to reveal Gail on the monitor behind his left shoulder ] Gail?
[ show Gail Matthius standing outside the White House, as John Anderson paces behind her ]
Gail Matthius: There is indeed some commotion here outside the White Huose gate, Charlie, as defeated Presidential candidate, John Anderson, is standing hre with what appears to be a suitcase.
John Anderson: Iiiiii don’t understand it. Obviously, the gate is not functioning properly. It must be some sort of snafu – yes, that’s what it is, it’s a SNAFU! [ waves to someone or something off-camera ]
Gail Matthius: [ pulls a woman with Anderson toward her ] Uh – what exactly is going on here?
Woman: Uh, could you lower your voice, please? It’s just that, uh – what’s going on is that we haven’t gotten around to telling Mr. Anderson the election results.
Gail Matthius: Oh. Oh, you mean he thinks he’s —
Woman: Shhh. That’s right – he doesn’t know that he lost.
Gail Matthius: Didn’t he watch the elections?
Woman: Well, uh – he siad he was sure the American people would elect the right man, and.. then he went to bed. [shrugs her shoulders ]
Gail Matthius: Well, this is terrible, uh, something has to be done. someone has to tell him.
Woman: Well, you like disasters – you tell him!
Gail Matthius: [ considers the challenge for a moment, then scans the crowd for John Anderson’s current whereabouts ] Mr. Anderson! I have something very important to tell you —
John Anderson: [ comes forward immediately, already in mid-thought ] You know, my very first act as President will be to form a commission to study this gate problem! Yes, I’d like to — but, it just might be the buzzer – yes, it could be the buzzer! Let’s not be too — [ starts calling out ] Hello?! Hello? Anyone there?! [ presses buzzer on wall ] It’s President Anderson!
Gail Matthius: How humiliating to the Congressman —
Woman: Go on – tell him. You’re a reporter – go on, you can do it! Yuo can do it! Go on, tell him!
Gail Matthius: Okay! Okay! [ as Anderson wanders back toward her ] Uh – Mr. Anderson —
John Anderson: PRESIDENT Anderson, young lady!!
Gail Matthius: Well, that’s what I wanted to tlak to you about.
John Anderson: [ waves with a big smile to no one in particular ] Yes, yes! Be totally candid, now!
Gail Matthius: Regarding the election —
John Anderson: Yes, yes! Be forthright!
Gail Matthius: — you haven’t —
John Anderson: Yes, yes!
Gail Matthius: [ finally gives up the effort ] You have a great four years ahead of you – congratulations!
John Anderson: Thank you very much, Miss! Thank you, thank you! [ begins waving erratically again ]
Gail Matthius: This is Gail Matthius, reporting from the White House, where “President” — [ winks at the camera ] Anderson is awaiting the beginning of his term! Back to you, Charlie.
Charles Rocket: Thank you, Gail. Thank you very much. Of course, we’ll all be keeping an eye on that developing story.
Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant, today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman, Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamatino suit, for allegedly calling him a “homosexual” on NBC-TV’s “Tomorrow” show. Grant charges that Chase’s remarks were completely and totally false, and added, “He’s the homo, not me. And one mroe crack like that, and I’ll scratch his eyes out, Mary!”
Taking his lame duck presidency quite literally this week, Jimmy Carter demonstrated one of his most important duties to visiting Israeli Prime Minister, Menachim Begin. Here, we see the outgoing Chief Executive performing his lame duck call. [ slide changes to a multitude of ducks in the sky ] Responding to the heart-rending sound, thousands of concerned ducks quickly descended on the White House lawn to help a brother in need.
Prince Charles finally ended speculation about whether he would ever find a bride who had both royal blood and a spotless past. Happily, the Prince’s rumored choice, who has been certified as “completely virginal” is Lady Diana Spencer, formerly Lord “Dwayne” Spencer, who underwent a transsexual operation last month in Helsinki to qualifiy as “Queen” of England.
This week, NASA announced a significant discovery by the voyager 1 spacecraft: the rings of Saturn have been visible to man for centuries. we all knew that, but, thanks to Voyager 1 and its sensitive listening equipment, we now, for the first time, can hear the famous rings. Here’s the NASA tape – let’s listen. [ cue a series of alarm clock sounds ] And how about that, huh? The rings of Saturn! [ chuckles proudly to himself ] We’ve come a long way since man walked on the moon, haven’t we?
Charles Rocket: You know, unlike most TV anchorpersons, Yours Truly is mroe than just.. another pretty face. I’m a working journalist. And, this week, when the Big Apple was humming with rumors of a new John Lennon and Yoko Ono album, this newshound hit the streets to get the inside story. Let’s take a look at this Rocket Report:
[ dissolve to pre-taped film, Charles Rocket standing on the street in front of the Dakota ]
Charles Rocket: Hi! Charles Rocket, here in New York City, right across the street from the Dakota Building, home to a lot of celebrities, and a place where a LOT of celebrities would LIKE to live, but just can’t. But we’re interested in just two celebrities who live there – John Lennon and Yoko Ono! In fact, we’re interested in their album. How are we going to find out about the inside story on that album, that so few people really know anything about? Well, we’re gonna go across the street, we’re gonna talk to some people who have an inside lead on that very album, we’re gonna find out what the real story is. Come on along, to the Dakota Building! [ begins walking toward the Dakota ]
[ cut to an old woman, Mrs. Miller, speaking ]
Mrs. Miller: I know Lennon is in that building, because all the youngsters gathered there for an autograph. I know they’re there. But even that, I said to myself, why do they allow them to gather up there, you know? It’s — that building — I say it must be in the hands of different people, it can’t be owned by the same people —
Charles Rocket: If it were in your hands, Mrs. Miller, what would you do?
Mrs. Miller: Ohhh, I’d keep it from garbage — I wouldn’t allow anything like that. What for? What for?
[ cut to reveal a pile of garbage on the ground in front of the building, as Rocket enters frame ]
Charles Rocket: Garbage. Filthy, disgusting garbage. What a display. Something you certainly wouldn’t expect, here in front of the fancy Dakota Building. Let’s go talk to the doorman to find what the story is on this disgusting site. Even though the garbage could connain a clue to the album, it’s got to go. [ turns to walk toward the lobby door ]
[ cut to close-up of the building’s doorman ]
Charles Rocket: Say, what’s the big idea with all the garbage?
Doorman: They’re [ inaudible ] — the contractors.
Charles Rocket: And the contractors are responsible for that display?
Doorman: That’s right.
Charles Rocket: Oh. So it has nothing to do with the building management or anything?
Doorman: No.
Charles Rocket: So, what happened with the, uh, album? I mean, how’s it going with John Lennon’s album?
Doorman: I don’t know.. I don’t know.. I don’t know.. [ walks away from Rocket ]
Charles Rocket: You.. seem to be pretty evasive..
Doorman: I told you no – no.
[ cut to a messenger speeding away on a motorbike ]
Charles Rocket V/O: That’s a messenger service used here at the Dakota Building, and they’re off to.. tell John and Yoko that.. Charles Rocket, yours Truly, is here to find out.. all the very latest on their album.
[ cut to garbagemen picking up a separate pile of garbage at the Dakota ]
Charles Rocket V/O: Of course, out back, behind the Dakota Building, is where the real garbage can be found. Garbage that’s supposed to be here. And these are the gentlemen who pick up the garbage here at the Dakota Building. People who probably have an inside lead on what’s happening.. with John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s album.
[ Rocket approaches one of the garbagemen ]
Charles Rocket: What can you tell us about John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s garbage, and.. all that we might be able to learn from the secrets that might be hidden and contained within there? You know, they cut a new album, and we’d sure like to get an inside lead on what’s going on with that album. Can you help us at all, Clarence?
Garbageman: Well, I don’t know anything about that. That’s music – this is garbage!
Charles Rocket: Oh. He’s playing dumb, ladies and gentlemen. Clarence is probably playing a game with us. Right now, clarence, I’ll bet the Alton Company actually asked you not to state anything to reporters should we actually, uh, you know, come up to, and approach you, and ask you those kinds of questions.
Garbageman: No. No. No. No one said anything to me —
Charles Rocket: No clues. You haven’t been able to, uh, find out anything new, and —
Garbageman: [ getting angry ] Look, man! If you gonna take up my time —
Charles Rocket: Yeah?
Garbageman: How am I gonna pick up this garbage?!
Charles Rocket: The man wants to work.
Garbageman: I’m gonna work, and that’ll be it!
[ cut to Rocket alone on the street ]
Charles Rocket: Well, instead of just hoping for news about the album, I guess we’re all gonna have to share the disappointment.. of not finding anything out at all. I’m Charles Rocket, behind the Dakota Building, what excitement we’ve had.. hope you enjoyed it.
[ cut back to Charles Rocket at the Weekend Update desk ]
Charles Rocket: Just remember – you saw it here first, on The Rocket Report. In other news:
In a new Ladies Home Journal interview, Anita Bryant says she has come to believe that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, provided they “do it in a cage.” [ Rocket shrugs ]
Yet another air diaster nearly struck today, when a small two-seater airplane, flying from Puerto Rico to the mainland, crashed off the coast of Florida. Happily, though, the Coast Guard reports that the pilot and all 180 passengers have been recovered.
Charles Rocket: Well, since the Presidential campaign began, we all have heard speculation that Mr. Reagan will never live out his full term in office. Today we’re talking to Barry Grosscup, who’s just written a new book about that very subject.
[ camera pulls out to reveal Barry Grosscup sitting to Rocket’s right ]
Charles Rocket: Mr. Grosscup, tell us what you’ve learned about Ronald Reagan.
Barry Grosscup: Okay, Charlie.
Charles Rocket: Charles.
Barry Grosscup: [ holds up a photo of Ronald Reagan ] The man.. is already.. dead!
Charles Rocket: Wait a minute. Now, let me get this straight – you’re saying the President-Elect, Reagan, is actually.. dead?
Barry Grosscup: He’s as dead as a door nail. He’s been dead since the New Hampshire primaries. The picture’s coming out in my new book – “The Faking of a President.” [ holds up a photo of Reagan surrounding by George H. W. Bush and a couple of other administrative figures ] This is Reagan at a press conference – Bush is holsing him up!
Charles Rocket: Well —
Barry Grosscup: Always holding him up!
Charles Rocket: I can see where, you know — I-I don’t understand, it doesn’t —
Barry Grosscup: Here’s another one. [ holds up photo of Reagan, Bush, and one another man, all holding their hands in the air ] Reagan at a press conference – again, they’re holding him up! [ shrugs ]
Charles Rocket: Mr. Grosscup, listen – I happen to have been at a press conference with Mr. Reagan, earlier this week — he looked perfectly fine —
Barry Grosscup: Uh, you THINK you saw Reagan! Who you saw.. was an actor by the name of Ron Jenkins. He’s a Welsh actor, 29 years old – here’s a picture of him — [ holds up photo of a smiling Reagan ] Small time, did a couple of commercials – but he got Reagan to a T!
Charles Rocket: Th-this has got to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve —
Barry Grosscup: Look – here’s a picture of Reagan putting on his make-up. [ holds up photo of Reagan applying make-up ] The Reagan make-up here – Jenkins applies it all the time!
Charles Rocket: Mr. Grosscup, listen – we’re running out of time. I-I-I don’t see how we can just waste time —
Barry Grosscup: [ holds up another photo of Reagan ] See how he works a crowd! It’s amazing!
Charles Rocket: Look — I mean, I don’t get it.
Barry Grosscup: Look! Who do you want to run the country – Ronald Reagan, or just some stupid actor?!
Charles Rocket: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Grosscup. I guess it takes all kinds, huh?
The rate of inflation continued to spiral upward this week, and claimed a new and unexpected victim: the prstitution industry. In order to meet consumer demands without sacrificing efficiency, streetwalkers in Portland, Oregon have cut back on non-essential services, and are offering no-frills sex to prspective customers.
And, this one just handed me: The Department of Naturalization, in an attempt to simplify cumbersome alien identification procedures, has designated all American citizens as Shirts and all incoming immigrants as Skins.
Charles Rocket: And that’s the Weekend Update. This is Charles Rocket saying, “Good night, and.. watch out.”
[ camera pulls back, as Rocket signs off on his news copy ]
Mark Doyle…..Elliot Gould Vickie…..Gail Matthius Sharon Malone…..Ann Risley
[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. 40-year old Mark Doyle sits at a back table sharing drinks and shrimp cocktail with teenaged Valley girl, Vickie. ]
Mark Doyle: Would you like antoher shrimp cocktail, Vickie?
Vickie: No, thanks – three is enough. This place is not too cool, so just forget it.
Mark Doyle: Aw, I’m glad you like it. You look lovely in this light.
Vickie: Oh, God – It’s better than those grody pizza places guys my age take me to! For sure!
Mark Doyle: Oh, well – well, that’s alright, I – I’m not as ancient as you think I am! I’m gonna have another drink, would you like to have one?
Vickie: No, thanks, but don’t – you know, like, don’t get me wrong or something, because I, like, really like going out with, like, a guy whose in his forties, and stuff. Um – like this friend of mine, you know, um, was, like, seeing one of our teachers this summer – but I wouldn’t do that, no way —
Mark Doyle: Vickie, I just turned forty. THat doesn’t put me into the forties!
Vickie: [ still on her previous train of thought ] Ha! Yeah, well, God, what would I say of I saw him in the hall the next day: “Hello, Mr. Caleska?” I’m sure! I couldn’t even hack it, no way!
Mark Doyle: Well.. so tell me where your head is. Do you like movies?
Vickie: Um – I told my mom I was going to a movie and stuff tonight, you know? [ laughs ] Duuuhh! [ laughs ] Sometimes parents are so stupid, you know? I wonder how they got to be their age! [ shakes her head and laughs ] No offense.
Mark Doyle: [ waves his hand ] No, that’s – that’s okay.
Vickie: [ grabs his cigarette ] Low tar, I’m sure, right? [ smokes his cigarette ] I usually smoke non-filters – not too cool! [ taps the ash into the ashtray ] So, uh, like – do you have a job, or some junk?
Mark Doyle: [ pleased at the thoughtful question ] Well, yes, I do. I seel securities.
Vickie: Oh! Like burglar alarms, and some junk?
Mark Doyle: No, it’s like stocks and bonds.
Vickie: [ not grasping what he means ] Ohhhh. [ a beat ] Wow. [ changes the subject ] So, um, like – do you come here a lot, like, with your friends and stuff, you know?
Mark Doyle: Oh, no, no. There’s almost.. no chance of me seeing anybody I know here. I don’t think.
Vickie: Yeah, ’cause I bet a lot of people in here think I’m probably your daughter or something —
Mark Doyle: Ohhh, no! No, I-I-I don’t think anybody.. thinks that.
Vickie: You know, don’t get the wrong idea – I think you’re a really cool guy! Um, um — you really are a cool guy! Um, um — like, if I was here with a guy >my age, and stuff, he’d practically be trying to take my shirt off! Right here. Gro-oss! Like, you know,they told us in Bio, and stuff, that they can’t even help it. And, like, you know, when they get to be your age, they don’t even want it – they really calm down, like.
Mark Doyle: Uh – are you sure you wouldn’t like another drink?
Vickie: No, thanks.
Mark Doyle: Well, I have an idea. Why don’t we catch a bite here.. and then, we can go out, and – and.. catch a bite someplace else –?
[ Sharon Malone enters the scene, carrying two drink glasses ]
Sharon Malone: Well, look who’s here. [ she sits ]
Mark Doyle: [ flustered ] Oh..
Sharon Malone: Mark Doyle.
Mark Doyle: Hello, Sharon.
Sharon Malone: Hi. I haven’t seen you since we did the Philadelphia portfolio – did that go well, alright?
Mark Doyle: Oh, yeah, it – it worked out just fine. Sharon Malone.. this is Vickie.
Sharon Malone: Hello.
Vickie: Hi.
Sharon Malone: Well, uh – I was a little worried, since, uh, some of the bonds hadn’t reached maturity yet.
Mark Doyle: No, no – it was o-kay.
Sharon Malone: Oh, good. Well, uh, I’ve really got to go. [ to Vickie ] It was really nice to meet you, and good to see you, Mark. [ stands and exits ]
Vickie: For sure! Like — Mark — like?
Mark Doyle: Uh-huh? What?
Vickie: Um — there’s this really cool dance coming up next week — it’s like a Homecoming dance, sorta — and I was thinking, like, well, you know, I was thinking it would be really cool, like, if you took me, or some junk?
Mark Doyle: Oh, Vickie, no, I don’t think so, uh — its not that I don’t want to —
Vickie: Oh. Oh, ’cause it’s not like I want to go, really, no way! No way! ‘Cause, like — you know, they try to make the wishing wells the basketball goals, and — I’m sure. Nobody —
Mark Doyle: Well, you understand — I mean, that’s the age problem, and I’m sure your school would look askance at that, and I – I just can’t see myself dancing barefooted on the floor of your gym, with all of the signs, and all of those people, and — fighting Buccaneers, and, uh — I don’t —
Vickie: Well, it’s not like I need a date, or something, ’cause, like, I’m going with somebody, okay? [ points out her steady ring ] He’s really a cool guy. He’s in the Marines —
Mark Doyle: Oh, really? Is he – is he in the service?
Vickie: Yeah! He’s sort of black!
Mark Doyle: [ nervous ] Oh. Really?
Vickie: Yeah. He is. Well, what’s the matter? What, are you prejudiced, or something?! I’m su-ure! I’m not gonna sit around with some kind of bigot, or something! Maybe it’s okay in your day, but it’s not cool –!
Mark Doyle: Vickie, Vickie, please — you’re just upset about the Homecoming dance, and using this as an excuse. Now, please relax, and-and-and let’s order another drink!
Vickie: Well, I’m not sitting around with a racist! I’m just gonna get out of here! I’m gonna probably thumb it, and you don’t even care! Duh! I’m sure! Quit it! God! [ leaves the table ]
[ Mark finishes his drink and ponders what just happened, as we fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 6: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: November 22nd, 1980 Malcolm McDowell Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band None None Andy Murphy Matthew Laurance Eddie Murphy The ExecutionSummary: A boisterous mother (Denny Dillon) instructs her son (Gilbert Gottfried) to sit up straight in the electric chair before he’s executed. Transcript
Montage
Malcolm McDowell’s MonologueSummary: English actor Malcolm McDowell explains how he had to get his U.S. work permit renewed so he could host the show tonight. Transcript
Mutually Omaha’s Wild KingdomSummary: Jim Fowler (Joe Piscopo) goes off in search of that exotic beast – the Negro Republican. Note: Eddie Murphy, who had been hanging around the studio after repeatedly trying to be added to the cast, makes his debut in this sketch, albeit sitting on the couch with no lines while an uncredited extra plays the role of the black man. Murphy took great offense to this misuse of his talents. Transcript
Tobacco Growers of AmericaSummary: Tobacco Growers spokesman Joseph Richman (Gilbert Gottfried) claims the human lung is to blame for lung cancer, not cigarettes. Transcript
Serf CitySummary: Earl (Malcolm McDowell) and Lord Jack (Charles Rocket) make a sport of riding on the backs of lowly peasants. Transcript
The Reagans Adopt Amy CarterSummary: Following Inaugueration Day, Ronald (Charles Rocket) and Nancy Reagan (Gail Matthius) adopt Amy Carter (Denny Dillon) so they can provide her with a proper privileged lifestyle. Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Amy Carter.
American Milk AssociationSummary: Alex de Large (Malcolm McDowell), from “A Clockwork Orange”, speaks highly of moloko.
“Showdown”Summary: In a film by Ken Friedman, a romantic conflict begats a Wild West-style shootout.
Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band performs “Hot Head”
Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Charles Rocket conducts a video interview with Yoko Ono (Denny Dillon) and house husband John Lennon (Malcolm McDowell). Joe Piscopo uses Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots to predict the results of the Roberto Duran-Sugar Ray Leonard rematch. Commenting on last week’s show, Dr. Murray Abromowitz (Gilbert Gottfried) says it wasn’t funny. Recurring Characters: John Lennon, Yoko Ono. Transcript
Gothic Novel ShopSummary: A bookstore owner (Malcolm McDowell) specializing in gothic romance novels goes out of his way to meet the specific reading needs of a wonton customer (Ann Risley).
“The 100 Years War”Summary: A quick summary of the 100 Years War, as told through a University Extension Course in World History.
The Leather Weather ReportSummary: Dominatrix Thelma Thunder (Denny Dillon) beats the man (Charles Rocket) stretched across her map while giving the weather forecast. Transcript
Commie Hunting SeasonSummary: The governor (Malcolm McDowell) of Greensboro, North Carolina lays down the ground rules as local rednecks with itchy trigger fingers look forward to shooting Commies on the first day of the new hunting season.
The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket bothers people while strolling along 5th Avenue. Transcript
Jack The StripperSummary: Dame Lydia Snoot (Malcolm McDowell) searches for the notorious Jack the Stripper, who turns out to be Prince Charles (Charles Rocket) working the exotic dance circuit. Recurring Characters: Prince Charles.
Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band performs “Ashtray Heart”
“Someone Is Hiding In My Apartment”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, a man (Mitchell Kriegman) fears an unknown presence in his apartment whom he appears to be involved with in a relationship.
The Wine CellarSummary: Carolyn Parker (Denny Dillon) dismisses fancy French wines and proper American wines to go with American junk foods.
Prisoner…..Gilbert Gottfried Priest…..Charles Rocket Executioner…..Joe Piscopo Mother…..Denny Dillon
[ open on dark corridor, as a prisoner is led to the electric chair. A priest reads from the Psalm of David as they walk. ]
Priest: [ reading ] “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Malcolm McDowell: [ in a Southern drawl ] Thank y’all for comin’, and goo-oo-ood night!
[ credits roll ]
Don Pardo V/O: “Saturday Night Live” will be back in two weeks, December 6th, with our host, Ellen Burstyn, and musical guest, Aretha Franklin. Next week, I’ll be busy hosting an all new “Celebrity Jeopardy” – they can’t do this show without me, Don Pardo! Face it, I’m the only one who’s irreplaceable. Next week at this time: “Road Show”, with host John Candy, and musical guest Tom Waits will be here. Good ni-i-i-ight!
The Leather Weather Report Written by: Ferris Butler, Billy Brown & Mel Green
Thelma Thunder…..Denny Dillon Johnny The Weather Map…..Charles Rocket
[Open on a black, leatherbound title card with a brown leather cutout of the United States dotted with silver studs. The words “The Leather Weather Report” are in the middle of the leather cutout. Hard rock music plays]
[Dissolve to a short, blond woman, dressed in a skin-tight black shirt with matching fingerless gloves, chains crossing her chest, and a silver and black choker, sneering at the camera and holding a cat-o-nine-tails]
Thelma Thunder: Good evening and welcome to “The Leather Report” [corrects herself]: “Leather Weather Report”. Im your Leather Weather girl, Thelma Thunder. And this [walks over to a map of the United States, partially obscured by a man lying across it, chained up by his wrists and ankles, wearing tight leather pants, a harness across his naked chest, and a bondage mask]: is our weather map, Johnny.
Johnny the Weather Map: Hello everybody.
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny] Shut up! Maps are to be seen, not heard. [to the audience]: Theres going to be a high-pressure in the Midwest [begins striking Johnnys chest with her cat-o-nine-tails; Johnny writhes from the pain]: for most of next week!
Johnny the Weather Map: Ouch!
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny; shrugs] Gods will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?
Johnny the Weather Map: More.
Thelma Thunder: [picks up a hose] Rains are going to sweep westward, beginning in New England [goes back to retrieve the tank connected to the hose, accidentally spraying the camera and begins to spray water on the squirming Johnny]: making their way across Ohio, Indiana, and not quite reaching Pikes Peak [sprays water all over the bulge in Johnnys leather pants]
Johnny the Weather Map: Hey, Im drenched over here!
Thelma Thunder [puts down the hose and the tank] Ya got a lot more comin, baby. [picks up her cat-o-nine-tails]: Also, winds [twirls the cat-o-nine-tails above her head]: will be whipping up around [slams the twirling cat-o-nine near Johnnys side as Johnny writhes]: the Great Lakes region! After that [slams down the cat-onine and picks up a cannister of whipped cream]: were gonna see a lot of snow. [shakes the cannister]: Im afraid it starts out in the Rockies [goes to spray it on Johnnys right leg, but only a couple of globs come out. Denny shakes the can and tries again on Johnnys left leg]: The Rockies! [a thin line of whipped cream comes out, hardly enough to count as snow. Denny gives up on that can of whipped cream, gets another one, and shakes it]: I said, “Snow starting out in the Rockies” [the cannister slightly sprays Denny]: Whoops! [finally gaining control of the cannister, Denny (as Thelma) sprays Johnny with a full can of whipped cream across his left leg, on his groin, and across his naked chest with her victim whimpering throughout as shes making her next weather prediction]: Making its way across America. Who could believe such snow? [stops at Johnnys face]: New York City–17 inches! Massachusetts and Maine–its gonna be snowed in.
Johnny The Weather Map: Do “Massachusetts and Maine” again.
Thelma Thunder [ignores Johnnys request and bends over to put away the cannister of whipped cream] You think thats bad, honey? Wait til you see whats gonna happen to the Midwest–whats gonna happen [bends over and produces a metal bucket filled with rocks]: Hailstones! [chucks a handful of “hailstones” at Johnny as he promptly reacts]: The size of cantaloupes! [continues chucking “hailstones” at Johnny]: Grapefruits! Its gonna snow so bad, I cant stand it! Its cold. All right! [drops the bucket of rocks]
Johnny The Weather Map: Make it–make it snow some more.
Thelma Thunder: [ignores Johnny and picks up a riding crop] Now for a quick temperature check [“Temp. Range” super appears on the screen, listing: “L.A.– Mid-70s”, “Chi.–Mid-20s”, and “NYC–Mid-40s”. Thelma slaps down her riding crop and points to the chart]: Take a look over there and see a look at the temperatures and dress accordingly. Wear your leather boots in the rain and snow–or else! [“Temp. Range” super disappears]
Johnny The Weather Map: Right.
Thelma Thunder: [snaps back] Quiet! [to audience]: This has been your “Leather Weather Report”. Im Thelma Thunder, you Leather Weather girl. Good night.
Johnny The Weather Map: Good night.
[over the live studio audience applause, Thelma Thunder barks, “Shut up!” to Johnny the Weather Map]
[ open on Jospeh Richman, seated at executive desk in front of “Tobacco Growers of America banner ]
[ Jan & Dean’s “Surf City” inadvertently begins playing, a miscue from the Serf City sketch that follows this one; the music is muted immediately ]
Jospeh Richman: Hello. I’m Jospeh Richman, from the TGA – the Tobacco Growers of America – and I have some startling news for you about lung cancer.
For too long now, the American public has lived under a gross misconception – that smoking tobacco causes lung cancer. Well, we at the TGA deplore this, for it is deceptive, and, tonight, we would like to make the real truth known.
There’s no denying that lung cancer is messy and inconvenient. But to blame it on cigarettes is specious and ill-founded. [ picks up a cigarette from a container filled with them ] Can we really blame this for death? Let’s examine it: we have the outer covering – paper. Paper is grown from trees. You don’t see warnings on tress, do you? [ smiles faceitously ] And, in the belly, we have 100% pure tobacco — [ tears the outer papering off and lets the inner tobacco spill onto the desk ] straight from the earth – Mother Earth – where flowers grow and children frolic. And people think this kills? This is a delicate object. [ places it gently on the surface of the desk ] It’s so weak, I can CRUSH it with my bare hands! [ pounds his hand on top of the cigarette, splattering paper and tobacco across his desk ] Look at the way it fights back, huh? Some murderer! Clearly, it is not the poor cigarette that causes lung cancer. It’s the lung!
[ camera pulls out, as Joseph Richman pulls a model of a lung closer to himself ]
Let’s take a look at this lemon! No wonder people die! It’s got a cockamamie shape! It’s way too little! It’s filled with MUCUS! It’s flimsy! It’s clammy! And, for the life of me, I don’t know how ANYTHING gets in or out of that pathetic little hole! Really!! If it works so well, why do you need TWO?! It’s CLEAR where the fault lies! The lung has ONE job: to get rid of a little smoke! And does it do it?! NO!! The lung TRAPS the smoke!! ON PURPOSE!! It KEEPS it!! My seven-year old daughter’s FAN could blow a little smoke away, but that’s TOO much for poor old Mr. Lung!
This, as you can well understand, is a serious problem, and so, the FDA has taken serious action. The lung must be recalled. So all persons with lungs shall send them to:
[ SUPER appears ]
Lungs 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020.
Persons without lungs need not worry. Thank you. [ smiles goodnight ]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen, Malcolm McDowell!
Malcolm McDowell: Thank you. It’s great to be here! Great to be here tonight. Thank you. You know, I almost didn’t make it.
(An off-screen voice shouts “Why?”)
Malcolm McDowell: I’m an Englishman in case you haven’t noticed and the English have to have a work permit if they want to work here. Now, to get that permit, you have to prove that you can honestly to do that job. Now, it’s not enough that I starred in a Broadway play, I’m about to be the proud father of an American child. (Audience cheers and appluase) Thank you. I’m only half to blame for that. Well, in the rush of making babies and doing a play in New York, I completely forgot to get my permit renewed. Now, that’s a honest mistake. Well, this past Thursday, immigration called and said that not only that I couldn’t host the show, but I’d have to leave the country as well. Well, I was extremely nervous because it usually takes days to get a permit. However, thanks to NBC and their considerable clout, I was spared the waiting, but still we had to stop the show in the middle of rehearsals, at the cost of thousands of dollars, I had to get in a cab, go to my apartment, get my passport, come back here again, go over to the lawyer’s office and go to immigration. Now, I am perfectly legal. (Applause) I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The only reason I did this bloody show was to get a new permit anyway. (Audience laughs and applause). (In Texas drawl): We’ll be right back!
Mutually Omaha’s Wild Kingdom Written by: Barry W. Blaustein & David Sheffield
Marlin Perkins…..Charles Rocket Jim Fowler……Joe Piscopo
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Mutually Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.” With your host, Marlin Perkins.
[ dissolve to Marlin Perkins standing next to a globe ]
Marlin Perkins: Good evening, everyone, and welcome! In the past, our program has taken you around the globe in pursuit of nature’s most interesting and exotic creatures. Tonight, we’re on a special mission: due to shifts in the prevailing political climate, minorities are now fleeing the familiar liberal lake wastelands to seek the fertile promised land of the GOP. Our purpose is to keep track of these fascinating migratory patterns. [ zoom in on globe ] Join us tonight, as we go: [ spins the globe, as title appears ] “In Search of the Negro Republican.”
[ dissolve to cocktail party scene, Caucasians and Negroes migrating alike ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: Although not as numerous here in Harlem, as in the South Bronx, Negroes a-plenty can be found in parts of Manhatten’s fashionable East Side.
[ Jim Fowler appears from a corner of the room, disguised as a waiter]
Marlin Perkins V/O: To avoid detection, my assistant, Jim Fowler, has disguised himself as a waiter. [ Jim approaches a male Negro dressed in a suit ] It looks like Jim may have found one already! That could be our Negro Republican now! [ Jim makes small talk, the Negro shows him a card and Jim continues on ] However, looks can be deceiving, and, as it turned out, this Negro wasn’t a Republican, but just the owner of a funeral home!
[ Jim mingles further among the party’s Negro guests, finally stopping near a second male Negro ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: He might be just what we’re looking for! He’s a Negro, alright, and, hopefully, a Negro Republican! Let’s watch Jim as he finds out!
[ close in on Jim and the male Negro ]
Jim Fowler: Would you care for a drink, Sir?
Negro Republican: [ looks over, speaks with a stuffy tone ] Martini! Uh, very dry. [ takes one of the martinis offered by Jim ]
Jim Fowler: Sayyyyy.. how about those Steelers last sunday, huh?
Negro Republican: Actually, I don’t care much for football. Uh, my wife and I, uh, went to a concert.
Jim Fowler: [ coughs ] The, uh.. Isley Brothers?
Negro Republican: No. The Carpenters.
Marlin Perkins V/O: Now, the final test.
Jim Fowler: Say, uh – [ removes a packet from his jacket pocket ] you don’t happen to know anything about.. stocks and bonds, do you?
Negro Republican: [ intrigued ] W-why do you ask?
Jim Fowler: Well, I, uh, just happen to have these high-end municipal bonds here, and, uh — [ the Negro takes the packet from Jim ]
Negro Republican: Right. [ examines the packet ] I’ll have my broker check them out. [ places the packet in his own jacket pocket ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: He’s taking the bait!
Jim Fowler: You know.. the economy sure has been in a mess lately.
Negro Republican: You know, I think that, uh, oh, once the Ronald Reagan, uh, administration policy takes a turn and, uh, picks up on it, I think that things will turn out pretty well.
Marlin Perkins V/O: There’s our proof! He’s definitely a Negro Republican! Jim will have to move fast. [ drops a pill into the Negro’s martini glass ] He’s using a harmless sedative to temporarily demobilize our subject.
[ the Negro sips from his martini, then suddenly stands very still ]
Marlin Perkins V/O: Working carefully, so as not to injure him, Jim will attach the special American flag pin. [ Jim attaches a pin to the Negro’s jacket lapel, which emits a beeping sound ] Inside is a tiny radio transmitter that will permit us to follow his movements.
[ the Negro suddenly regains mobility, shakes his head a couple of times, then retires with his wife to another part of the room. Jim follows close behind, meticulously taking notes. ]
[ dissolve back to Marlin Perkins ]
Marlin Perkins: So, until next week, remember: each and every creature, including the Negro Republican, is a valuable and irreplaceable part of.. the wild Kingdom!
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Air Date:
Carters Leave the White House
Summary: On Inauguration Day, Rosalynn Carter (Ann Risley) instructs Jimmy (Joe Piscopo) and Amy (Denny Dillon) to strip the White House bare before the Reagans move in.
Summary: Karen Black will say absolutely anything to garner cheap audience applause.
Summary: Spokesman (Charles Rocket) pitches an album containing the classical origins of today’s hottest hits.
Summary: In a clip from “Elephant Parts”, spokesman (Bill Martin) for the Foundation For The Tragically Hip solicits financial donations to help spoiled rich kids survive in a material-based mindset.
Summary: Game show host Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) and his lovely wife, Francis (Gail Matthius), invite their new neighbors (Gilbert Gottfried, Denny Dillon) over for dinner and a quiz show-style interrogation.
Summary: At Frank Sinatra’s (Joe Piscopo) request, President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) appoints wife, Nancy (Gail Matthius), as his Vice-President.
Summary: Charles Rocket rides along as New York City’s daredevil cab driver, Rich Schmaltz, cuts through traffic at a red light.
Summary: A museum security guard (Charles Rocket) tells the Mona Lisa (Karen Black) he wants to break up.
Summary: Mary Lou James (Ann Risley) provides dieting tips for stupid dieters. The stock footage of “Rush to the Sunbelt!” documents the migration to the midwest. Joe Piscopo contradicts his stance on the scalping of Super Bowl XV tickets by trying to unload his own pair for a profit.
Summary: Dan Rather (Joe Piscopo) offsets an investigation into the mysterious lack of women journalists at CBS.
Summary: A stroke victim (Gilbert Gottfried) is unable to communicate with the chatty visitors in his hospital room.
Summary: Sports Reporter Joe Piscopo is on the scene at the championship Fair Dinkum Finals between manly Scottish athletes (Charles Rocket, Matthew Laurance).
Summary: The woman next door (Yvonne Hudson) complains to her neighbor (Eddie Murphy) about the noise coming from his stereo.
Summary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) and his newfound lunch companion (Karen Black) channel their inner Jack Nicholson while trying to order a simple piece of wheat toast at a roadside diner.
Summary: Charles Rocket demonstrates how much fun it is to play with the cast action dolls.
Summary: Karen Black can’t keep up with the changing subjects discussed by hosts Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried).
Summary: Proving the adage that “People that kill people, not guns”, A mugger (Matthew Laurance) uses a black man (Eddie Murphy) to rob a pair of innocent victims (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley).
Transcript
Summary: A boisterous mother (Denny Dillon) instructs her son (Gilbert Gottfried) to sit up straight in the electric chair before he’s executed.
Summary: English actor Malcolm McDowell explains how he had to get his U.S. work permit renewed so he could host the show tonight.
Summary: Jim Fowler (Joe Piscopo) goes off in search of that exotic beast – the Negro Republican.
Summary: Tobacco Growers spokesman Joseph Richman (Gilbert Gottfried) claims the human lung is to blame for lung cancer, not cigarettes.
Summary: Earl (Malcolm McDowell) and Lord Jack (Charles Rocket) make a sport of riding on the backs of lowly peasants.
Summary: Following Inaugueration Day, Ronald (Charles Rocket) and Nancy Reagan (Gail Matthius) adopt Amy Carter (Denny Dillon) so they can provide her with a proper privileged lifestyle.
Summary: Alex de Large (Malcolm McDowell), from “A Clockwork Orange”, speaks highly of moloko.
Summary: In a film by Ken Friedman, a romantic conflict begats a Wild West-style shootout.
Summary: Charles Rocket conducts a video interview with Yoko Ono (Denny Dillon) and house husband John Lennon (Malcolm McDowell). Joe Piscopo uses Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots to predict the results of the Roberto Duran-Sugar Ray Leonard rematch. Commenting on last week’s show, Dr. Murray Abromowitz (Gilbert Gottfried) says it wasn’t funny.
Summary: A bookstore owner (Malcolm McDowell) specializing in gothic romance novels goes out of his way to meet the specific reading needs of a wonton customer (Ann Risley).
Summary: A quick summary of the 100 Years War, as told through a University Extension Course in World History.
Summary: Dominatrix Thelma Thunder (Denny Dillon) beats the man (Charles Rocket) stretched across her map while giving the weather forecast.
Summary: The governor (Malcolm McDowell) of Greensboro, North Carolina lays down the ground rules as local rednecks with itchy trigger fingers look forward to shooting Commies on the first day of the new hunting season.
Summary: Charles Rocket bothers people while strolling along 5th Avenue.
Summary: Dame Lydia Snoot (Malcolm McDowell) searches for the notorious Jack the Stripper, who turns out to be Prince Charles (Charles Rocket) working the exotic dance circuit.
Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, a man (Mitchell Kriegman) fears an unknown presence in his apartment whom he appears to be involved with in a relationship.
Summary: Carolyn Parker (Denny Dillon) dismisses fancy French wines and proper American wines to go with American junk foods.
