Category: 1980

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

The Rocket Report

…..Charles Rocket

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, “The Rocket Report.”

[ dissolve to Charles Rocket standing on 5th Avenue ]

Charles Rocket: As you notice, we’re on, probably, one of the pedesterially more busy —

[ cameraman waves his hand at Charles, so he changes position on the avenue ]

Charles Rocket: Well, as you can clearly see, we’re on the – probably one of the most busy streets — let me try that again.

[ starts over yet again ]

Charles Rocket: Well, it seems pretty apparent, as we now look down this street. This is probably, pedestrially-speaking, one of the busiest streets in New York. This is 5th Avenue. Hi, Charles Rocket, on Fifth Avenue! We’re gonna meet some people that are total strangers. Let’s find out what they’re like. Will they be rude? Will they be warm? Will they be friendly? Will they be happy to see us? Well, we’re gonna find out in just a minute or two, as we actually go ahead and meet some total strangers. [ approaches a man ] This man, for example. Where do you work, sir?

Bill: I work in Long Island.

Charles Rocket: And you’re an accountant?

Bill: No, I’m an insurance broker.

Charles Rocket: Insurance broker. Hi. Charlie Rocket. What’s your name?

Bill: Bill Noland. Nice to meet you. [ shakes Charles’ hand ]

Charles Rocket: Bill? Nice meeting you!

[ cut to Charles continuing down the aveneue ]

Charles Rocket: Well, there goes – just goes to show you that — [ spots a foreign woman walking with her arm in a sling ] Ohh, what happened to your arm?

Elderly Woman: I broke my arm.

Friend: She slipped on a potato.

Charles Rocket: Slipped on a potato?

Friend: That’s right. In the shopping center. People are throwing GARBAGE all over New York!

Charles Rocket: Ohhh, gee.. well – I hope it gets better, huh? [ continues walking down the avenue ] All right! Well, we continue down 5th Avenue now, we’re gonna meet, yes, some more people. [ spots a woman running down the avenue ] Oh! She’s in a hurry, but could we talk to her just for a second? [ the woman continues running, then slows down after she passes Charles and the camera crew, who have now moved on themselves ] A lot of people are busy here on 5th Avenue, as we — [ sirens sound ] No. Let this car go by.

[ a car rolls by as Charles crosses the street to find two women pushing two children side-by-side in strollers ]

Charles Rocket: Look – they must be twins. Are they twins?

Mother: [ hurrying past ] Yes.

Charles Rocket: They are twins. Do you mind — [ she continues on without another word ] Beautiful children, too. Out for a walk?

Mother: Yes.

Charles Rocket: Great! Just out for a nice walk with the twins!

[ cut to Charles approaching a Cuban couple on the street ]

Charles Rocket: Tourists, are you?

Cuban Man: [ speaks in Cuban, then translates ] It means, “How do you do?”

Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you’ve had a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh? [ chuckles, as the couple continue on, muttering under their breaths ] Oh, not ’til you go home! Well, enjoy yourselves. Just come of the excitement, here on 5th Avenue.

[ cut to Charles further down the avenue, as an elderly woman wearing what appears to be a sailor’s cap approaches him ]

Charles Rocket: An interesting person right here — hello, ma’am? Can we talk to you, just for a second?

[ she shakes her head numerous times and rushes past Charles ]

Charles Rocket: Nope, doesn’t walk to talk to us. Well, not everyone is friendly.

[ Charles continues down the avenue, curious about a black man, wearing an odd white hat, who’s fast approaching ]

Charles Rocket: Looks like he’s from another country. [ stops the black man ] Are you from another country?

Black Man: No. I’m a – I’m – American. [smiles ]

Charles Rocket: I’m sorry?

Black Man: I’m a – I’m an American.

Charles Rocket: An American! Alright, well, from the hat – let’s take a look at the hat– [ turns the black man’s head to the side – aha! It’s a baseball cap turned backwards! ] Oh, I see! Fooled us! Thought you were from India with that hat and everything! It’s actually just a baseball cap turned around. [ black man smiles, continues on ] That’s what happens, right on 5th Avenue. Okay!

[ cut to Charles continuing down the street, as an Elderly Man, who appears to be a business executive, approaches ]

Charles Rocket: You’re on drugs right now, aren’t you? [ the man looks curiously at Charles Rocket ] You’re on drugs right now. You look like a drug taker, I mean, a typical — [ the man shakes his head ] You don’t take drugs?

Elderly Man: No.

Charles Rocket: Ever have?

Elderly Man: No. [ amused ]

Charles Rocket: Well, gee.. what gives you that look? That sort of “drug taker’s” look?

Elderly Man: Well, because I’m very happy.

Charles Rocket: That must be it! Glad we could meet you. Charles Rocket. Your name?

Bill: Bill Gunschner.

Charles Rocket: Bill? Nice meeting you. Okay, Bill. [ Bill continues on ]

[ Charles continues down the avenue, and approaches a Spanish couple ]

Charles Rocket: Yet one more person. You look like you’re related to Desi Arnaz – are you?

Spanish Man: [ as he quickly moves along ] No.

Charles Rocket: He says he’s not. Well! just goes to show you – if you’re willing to take just a few minutes, as I have, here on 5th Avenue in New York City, you’ll get to learn an awful lot about life, an awful lot about people, and, of course, more importantly, an awful lot about drugs! I’m Charles Rocket. In New York. We’ll see you again, some other time.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

Serf City

Lord Jack…..Charles Rocket
Earl…..Malcolm McDowell
Bingo…..Ann Risley
Moondoggy…..Gail Matthius
Serf….Neil Levy

[ open on stock photo exterior of Englush castle ]

[ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Lord Jack and Earl enter, laughing ]

Lord Jack: I’m telling you, Earl, you’re just going to LOVE this new sport — it’s more fun than trial-by-fire!

Earl: I hope you’re right, Jack! I’m so tired of all that screaming! And the smell! [ he laughs maniacally ]

Lord Jack: Well, this is different. You’re really going to go for this, or my name isn’t Jack Lord!

Earl: But it isn’t — it’s Lord Jack.

Lord Jack: That’s right! Whatever was I thinking? Well, anyway, it’s ever so easy! [ he looks down the hall ] Send in the serfs! Come on! [ two feudal serfs enter ] Well, first — you place your serf down on the ground on his stomach. [ the serfs lay on the ground ] Now you stand on his back… and try to keep your balance while sexy wenches tickle us with large feathers!

Earl: [ laughing ] Ooh, it sounds like it could be fun! [ he stands on a serf ] But where are the sexy wenches?

Lord Jack: Oh, how can I possibly forget? [ he calls off-screen ] Bingo! Mondoggy!

[ two sexy wenches run in, giggling ]

Earl: Bingo? Moondoggy? Hmm… not bad! I think I’m going to like this!

Lord Jack: Okay, get on! Because here we go!

[ they stand on the grumbling serfs’ backs as the wenches tickle them with feathers ]

Lord Jack: Oh, what complainers! Okay, try to stay on.

Earl: This is more fun than a flogging! Oh, I love it! What’s it called, again?

Lord Jack: Serfing!

Earl: What a PERFECT name!

[ one of the serfs climbs to his feet and walks away ]

Lord Jack: Uh-oh — serf’s up!

Earl: What does that mean?

Lord Jack: It means that serf’s time is up! Time to get a different serf!

Earl: Oh.

Lord Jack: [ calling off-screen ] NEXT!! Come on, come on!

[ another serf enters and takes his place on the ground ]

Lord Jack: Sheesh! It’s SO hard to find good serfs these days! You know, I’ve complained to His Majesty a MILLION times with no results!

Earl: Whoo! It’s feudal! By the way — whoo! — What do you do if you run out of serfs?

Lord Jack: Ohhh, I take precautions. I usually hang ten, so I have plenty on reserve.

Earl: Brilliant! [ he steps off his serf ] I say, Lord Jack?

Lord Jack: Yes?

Earl: Do you know what I think would be a great idea?

Lord Jack: No. What?

Earl: We take these serfs out on that large body of water… and ride those big waves that roll into the shore.

[ the serfs moan with dismay ]

Lord Jack: No, it would never work.

Earl: Hmm… you’re probably right. Well, let it rip! Serfer, wenches!

Lord Jack: Come on, here we go!

[ they proceed to continue serfing ]

[ music: “Surf City”, Jan & Dean ]

[ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up: New Wave Nun Breaks Old Habit” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 2

80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket

…..Charles Rocket
John Lennon…..Malcolm McDowell
Yoko Ono…..Denny Dillon
…..Joe Piscopo
Dr. Murray Abromowitz…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Charles Rocket seated behind the Weekend Update set, nonchalantly scribbling notes on his news sheets ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for Weekend Update, with anchorman Charles Rocket.

Charles Rocket: Good evening. I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news:

[ show hotel balcony with knotted towels hanging off the side ]
In Las Vegas, where none of the hotels and casinos conform to present city fire codes, where ladders only reach the ninth floor, many of the taler hotels, in an effort to reassure their guests, have incorporated the special linen fire escape devices, pictured here.

[ show Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter standing next to Ronald and Nancy Reagan ]
The incoming and outgoing first Families met briefly this Thursday at the White House. On a tour of the living quarters, Mrs. Reagan discovered a mink-lined toilet seat left over from the Jackie Kennedy years. Nancy prouldy wore the historical artifact for photographers.

Incidentally, the former presidential rivals made peace today, when Reagan announced he would follow an old Republican tradition: to make his first act in office, pardoning Jimmy Carter.

Well, it looks as if that conservative election landslide signaled a little bit of a turn to the right in all our lives. Six Klansmen were aquitted of murder this week, ten gays were machine-gunned in the streets of New York, and, when a Michigan high school girl wore this slit skirt in a Homecoming parade, eggs were thrown at her house and funeral leaves were scattered on her parents’ lawn. Looks like a nationwide turn to traditional American values and morality. [ audience groans ] If you ask me.

The General Assembly of the United Nations voted this week for an immediate withdrawal of Soviet forces from Afghanistan. Oleg Troyanovsky, Russian ambassador to the UN, explained that the Soviet are anxious to depart, and they plan to do so as oson as they can find and thank the person who invited them there.

The Iranian government is still trying to retrieve that pair of diamond pendant earrings valued, uh — weighing, actually, 131 karats. The earrings were auctioned by sotheby’s last week for over $6.6 million. Well, Iran claims the earrings belong to the Shah’s widow, Farah Diva. As we know, the new Islamic government wants all property owned by the Shah returned to Iran — [ show image of the Ayatollah wearing the earrings ] Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini especially requested that the jewels be returned by Christmas. [ blows a kiss ]

Well, all of America was SHOCKED last night by the discovery that “Dallas” millionaire, J.R. Ewing, had been shot by Mary Crosby, daughter of the late crooner, Bing Crosby. When reached for comment, Bing’s longtime pal, Bob Hope, said, “I’m grateful Bing didn’t live to see it. He only shot an occasional birdie.” [ light groans from audience ] “He only shot an occasional birdie.”

Academy Award winner Michael Cimino’s new picture, “Heaven’s Gate”, opened in New York this week, but the reception was less than heavenly. In fact, United Artists is recalling the film, which cost $45 million and runs three-and-a-half hours. But United Artists hopes to salvage the project – Cimino has been ordered to re-cut the picture into a two-week long television miniseries called “Those Amazing Horsies.”

In Peking this week, the trial of the famous Gang of Four began. The central figure in that trial is Jiang Qing, widow of the Mao Tse-Tung. Nancy Reagan, noting that Madame Mao, like herself, is a former movie star — [ stops, corrects himself ] uh, former movie actress accused of manipulating thousands of party officials while her aging husband was in power. Said Nancy, “Boy, I’m glad I live in America!” [ inaudible gasps from audience ]

Charles Rocket: Well, as you may know, last Saturday, Yours Truly, Charles Rocket, came very close – about this close – [ touches his index finger to his thumb ] – to getting an interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Well, this week, Weekend Update was contacted by the Lennons, who insisted to an exclusive interview tonight. So, let me welcome the couple that kept it a low profile for the last six years, with a big hearty HELLO to Mr. and Mrs. John Lennon! [ turns to greet them on the monitor ] Hi!

John & Yoko: [ drinking from mugs ] Hello, John.

Charles Rocket: Say, what’s that you’re drinking, John?

John Lennon: It’s a natural cocoa, made with just a touch of cinnamon.

Yoko Ono: [ excited ] It’s very good! [ picks up pieces of silverware and begins to weigh it on a scale ]

John Lennon: Yoko is just loco about my cocoa. [ polishes a spoon with a linen napkin ]

Charles Rocket: John, why don’t you tell us where you are, and what you’re doing.

John Lennon: Yeah, I’ll be glad to, Charles. All I will tell you is that we’re in the kitchen of one of our many apartments or houses somewhere. And I’m here cleaning the silverware, and Yoko is weighing it.

Yoko Ono: I, uh – I have great faith in silver as a commodity!

John Lennon: And I like to see me face in it. [ glances at his reflection in a spoon ] I also like to see me face in a wine glass or a dinner plate. Once, Yoko’s mother came for a visit, and all the glasses have, uh, you know, spots on them. I wanted to disappear into the carpet.

Charles Rocket: Well, John, that’s, uh, what we hear, that you’ve become quite a house-husband.

John Lennon: Yes, it’s true. Besides doting on our child, I’ve been mostly cleaning and, of course, going to my Tibetan cooking class on a Wednesday evening.

Charles Rocket: And, Yoko, we hear that you handle the financial affairs.

Yoko Ono: Yes! But I like to work at home, and on the phone, and with computers!

Charles Rocket: Well, John, tell us about the new album, would you, please?

John Lennon: Well, uh — [ looks at Yoko ] It’s mainly love songs and a few oven-cleaning tips. We think the album kind of shows that we are no different from you or me. [ turns to Yoko ] Don’t you think so, Mother?

[ Yoko makes a sudden screeching sound ]

Charles Rocket: Was that from the album?

John Lennon: No, Charlie, from her heart. And I love it!

Charles Rocket: Well, John, Yoko, thanks for letting us briefly share your life together. And, is there anything else you’d like to say?

John Lennon: Oh, uh, it’s just that Yoko hopes to buy Pennsylvania. and I’d like to thank a fabric softener that shows my family I really care – because I do. Really.

[ Yoko glances offscreen and begins screeching ]

John Lennon: [ glances offscreen with Yoko, horrified ] Oh, no! Me cake! [ runs offscreen ,as smoke pours into frame ] Oh, dear! Oh, Yoko! [ returns to frame with a burnt cake in his hands ] Me cake is ruined! It’s all ruined! [ looks at Charles ] It’s his fault! It’s his fault, there! I didn’t want to do this interview in the first place! I mean, THAT’S it! No more interviews! Go on! Get out of here! [ whining ] Oh, Yoko! Me cake, Yoko..

Charles Rocket: [ turns away ] Well, thanks a lot, John and Yoko Lennon. Hey, what a couple, huh! Don’t you just love ’em! Fantastic.

In more news: Customs agents in Miami seized a Caribbean freighter Wednesday, and arrested the crew and impounded the cargo. When no trace of marijuana was discovered among the automatic weapons and ammunitions onboard, crew, cargo and freighter were released early today.

This week, our Supreme Court judges began calling themselves “Justice”, instead of the more formal “Mr. Justice.” Regarding the new informality, Justice Wizzer White said he thought the change was “kinda jazzy.” And Justice “Potty” Stewart commented, “That may be slick for the Whizzer, but, for me, it’s Nowheresville.” And Warren “The Big Cheese” Burger, added, “Boop boop de boop!”

In an attempt to boost sagging K car sales, the Chrysler Corporatino began issuing rebates today. But President Lee Iacocca isn’t worried — “We’re already working on the L car,” he said. “And there are ourteen more letters where that one came from!”

[ show image of man wearing grotesque mask ]
Well, today the Navy discovered the first stowaway on the nuclear submarine, Nautilus. He was found huddled near the reactor, and, when questioned, he remarked, “I didn’t think anyone would bother me down there!”

Well, this one just in: because the word “napalm” evokes images of burned and screaming children, its name has been officially changed to “Incinder-gel.” Other changes announced include the following: the word “war” becomes “game”; “soldier” will be replaced by “mailman”; and the word “gun” becomes “pencil.”

Charles Rocket: Well, there’s a big fight in New Orleans Tuesday, and, here to tell us about it is our own Joe Piscopo! Joe!

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Charlie. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo. Live. Saturday Night Sports. The big story: Tuesday. Superdome. New Orleans. Louisiana. Roberto Duran. Sugar Ray Leonard. Welterweight championship. Rumor has it that Roberto Duran is just not ready for this fight, that he has lost that gut feeling to beat Sugar Ray. Well, I spoke to Duran this week, and the feisty Panamanian told me: [ speaks nonsensical Spanish ] So, if you ask me, the man.. is.. ready.

In the mantime, Sugar Ray Leonard says he’ll fight his own kind of fight this time, not Duran’s fight on Tuesday night. What’s my prediction? I think the fight is going to look like this: [ places Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots on the newsdesk ] First, in the early rounds, both fighters will come out furiously throwing punches! Until the later rounds, when Leonard will go over to Duran, and he will — [ uses one robot to punch the other robot’s head into the air ] knock his block off!! Joe Piscopo! Saturday Night Sports! Charlie!

Charles Rocket: Thank you, Joe. [ to camera ] You know, we on Weekend Update never recognize our responsibility to air opposing viewpoints on our show. But, here with a response to our FIRST show, is Dr. Murray Abromowitz! Doctor.

Dr. Murray Abromowitz: You bet. [ waves hiss arms frantically the entire time ] Just last week, I was watching “Sturday Night Live” – you remember that show. It was on last — I missed the anson Williams special, you see! So I’m watching this show – they do this sketch about the President, his sexual problem – what, he’s not able to achieve, uh — you know, uh, in bed! So – so what? They have to pick on him because of that! What, you think when Reagan’s President, he’ll be able to?! Yuo think if you were President that you’d be able to?! And then, if it wasn’t that, then they were doing homosexual jokes! What? “This homosexual”, “That homosexual.” Where’s the joke in that? That’s not funny! What, where is this, “Live from Fire Island?” And then, if it wasn’t homosexuals, they were doing “Jewish this,” and “Jewish that.” I counted four Jewish jokes, and only two of them were funny! Who writes this show – Hitler? And Cancer – what a big laugh-getter! Let’s face it – the people responsible for this show aren’t that well! They need analyis. They ALL need it – the writers need it, the producer — [ points at screen ] the cameraman! You need it! Get — come OUT from there! Come – come out from — come — you can face me like a person! He won’t face me like a person! He sits behind there – what’s he doing!

I’m Murray Abromowitz. That’s my opinion! You don’t want it, don’t take it!

Charles Rocket: Well, thank you, Dr. Abromowitz.

Dr. Murray Abromowitz: Thank you, Charlie!

Charles Rocket: Until ournext session, this is Charles Rocket saying, “Good night.. and watch out.”

[ camera pulls back, as Rocket signs off on his news copy ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:


Special Guests:

Cameos:
December 6th, 1980

Ellen Burstyn

Aretha Franklin

Keith Sykes

None

Mitchell Kriegman
A Message From David RockefellerSummary: David Rockefeller (Charles Rocket) announces that the United States is going co-op and poor people will be emigrated back to poor countries.

Transcript

Montage

Ellen Burstyn’s MonologueSummary: Ellen Burstyn lists her movie roles and admits it’s time she lightened up.

Transcript

Ed McMahon School of LaughingSummary: Spokesperson (Joe Piscopo) explains how you can become a studio audience member and get paid for laughing like the very best.

What’s It All AboutSummary: Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) interview Ellen Burstyn.

Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket uncovers a sex expose on a ferry leaving New York.

Video DateSummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) records a dating video.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Aretha Franklin performs “United Together”

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Joe Piscopo comments on the Roberto Duran vs. Sugar Ray Leonard fight. Raheem Abdul Muhammed (Eddie Murphy) gives his stance on the quota for white basketball players issue. Dr. Calvin Zuko (Gilbert Gottfried) comments on the myth of the female orgasm.

Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

Our Front DoorSummary: A suburban family examines a junkie’s (Charles Rocket) lifestyle.

“Pepe Gonzales”Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, the life of Pepe Gonzalez (Gilbert Gottfried), the only bullfighter in New York, is examined.

Planned ParenthoodSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) visit Planned Parenthood.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Aretha Franklin performs “Can’t Turn You Loose”

Sam The SnakeSummary: Mary Louise (Denny Dillon) terrorizes her tutor (Ellen Burstyn) with a sock puppet.

The Toni Tennille ShowSummary: Toni Tennille (Ann Risley) interviews murderess Jean Harris (Denny Dillon).

“Fish Heads”Summary: In a music video by Bill Paxton, many uses are found for discarded fish heads.

Note: One of the most popular songs to ever hit the radio airwaves via the syndicated Dr. Demento program.

Blame The KidsSummary: Mom (Ann Risley) and Dad (Charles Rocket) blame their divorce on their two kids (Mitchell Kriegman, Gail Matthius).

Keith Sykes performs “B.I.G.T.I.M.E.”

The Old LadySummary: A school girl (Gail Matthius) uncovers the secret of the scary old lady (Ellen Burstyn) who lives in the neighborhood.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 3

80c: Ellen Burstyn / Aretha Franklin, Keith Sykes

Goodnights

…..Ellen Burstyn

Ellen Burstyn: Good night!!

Everyone: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 3

80c: Ellen Burstyn / Aretha Franklin, Keith Sykes

Ellen Burstyn’s Monologue

…..Ellen Burstyn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Ellen Burstyn!

Ellen Burstyn: Hi! I’m Ellen Burstyn! I’ve got a lot of friends here tonight, because after the show we’re gonna have a little celebration because, at the stroke of midnight, it’s gonna be my birthday. [ the audience cheers ] And I’m gonna be 48 years old. [ the audience whoops ] And I want to tell you kids that are 20 and 30: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! The 40’s are TERRIFIC! I’m having the BEST time I’ve ever had in my whole life! That’s why I wanted to do this show, you know. I’ve done all these heavy, dramatic parts:

In “Resurrection”, I play a woman who goes over a cliff in a car, dies, and comes back to life with both her legs broken.

Even in “Same Time, Next Year”. It was a comedy — I played an adulteress.

“The Exorcist”: I played the mother of a little girl with a slight personality disorder.

Uh — in “King of Marvin Gardens” I shot and killed Bruce Dern.

And in “Dream of Passon”, I murdered my three children all together.

So I say it is time to LIGHTEN UP!! [ the audience cheers ] Lets have some fun!! We’re gonna be right back!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 3

80c: Ellen Burstyn / Aretha Franklin, Keith Sykes

The Old Lady

Old Lady…..Ellen Burstyn
Little Girl…..Gail Matthius

[ open on interior, darkened kitchen, as a little girl in a rabbit costume rings the bell ]

Little Girl: Hi! I’m from Millard Elementary School, and I’m selling tickets to the Christmas pageant. We’re doing “Alice in Wonderland” this year, it’s an 8:30 a.m., and that’s ’cause the first graders have lunch at 10:30, and I play the rabbit!

Old Lady: Can I give you a radish, instead of a dollar?

Little Girl: I’m not really a rabbit.

Old Lady: Oh. Well, come on in. [ she closes the door ] I’ve got some candy left over from Halloween, you can take your pick.

Little Girl: No. No, thanks.

Old Lady: Oh. Well, how about some stew?

Little Girl: Stew?!

Old Lady: Yeah.

Little Girl: No, I gotta go — [ she heads for the door ]

Old Lady: No, come on, sit down, it’s already made. You’ll have some stew.

[ they sit at the table ]

Little Girl: Oh. Uh — my Mom says I’m supposed to have, uh, stew from strangers! Uh, and that’s why I have to go home pretty soon — I’ll probably have stew — and, uh —

Old Lady: Yeah, well, I just taked to your mother, and she said you should have dinner with me. Now, eat it.

Little Girl: You — you know my mother?

Old Lady: Sure, I know your mother. Now, eat.

Little Girl: Oh. [ she picks at the stew ]

Old Lady: You know, one Halloween my boy Jim was a rabbit. He didn’t want to be — he wanted to be a robot, but I didn’t hear him too good. Jim’s speech wasn’t always real clear — I used to say Jim and his tongue weren’t on speaking terms. Anyway, he loved dressing up for Halloween. He always dressed up as something tough. One year he was Spiderman, the next year he was G.I. Joe, and the year after that he was a rabbit — but, like I said, it wasn’t his fault. He said “robot”, I heard “rabbit.”

Little Girl: Do you want a ticket to the Christmas pageant?

Old Lady: What’s the matter? Don’t you like your stew?

Little Girl: No, uh — it’s fine. But I’m ALLERGIC to stew!!

Old Lady: Well, no one’s allergic to stew.

Little Girl: I am!

Old Lady: No, you’re not! Now, eat!

Little Girl: Oh, uh — uh, oh — I REALLY AM allergic to it, but, also, it’s because — um —

Old Lady: Because, what?

Little Girl: It’s… because… I don’t like CAT MEAT!!

Old Lady: [ taken aback ] Cat meat? That ain’t cat meat!

Little Girl: Yes, it is! Julie Rogers told me that you go into people’s houses at midnight and steal their cats! Then you take them home and strip off the skin, and then you use their tails to brush your teeth.

Old Lady: How does Julie Rogers know this?

Little Girl: She SAW you! She stays up late! She swore on a stack of Bibles.

Old Lady: Does Julie Rogers have anything else to say?

Little Girl: No. But Guy Martin did! He says that the reason you have those tomato plants with strings around them is… to capture children?

Old Lady: Hmm. When my boy Jim was little, he had the idea that if you put the seeds for tomatoes and lettuce nad carrots all in the same hole, you could grow a salad. [ she laughs ]

Little Girl: Is it true you never change your clothes?

Old Lady: I used to tease him that he ought to water it with vinegar and oil. [ she laughs ]

Little Girl: [ looking around ] Where’s Jim?

Old Lady: Jim and I had a favorite song. You know “Gold Mine in the Sky”?

Little Girl: [ shaking her head nervously ] Uh-uh.

Old Lady: [ singing ]
“There is ia gold mine in the sky far away
It will find you and I soem sweet day.”

[ she rises and crosses the kitchen to open the door ]

Old Lady: Is someone there?

Little Girl: Well… I gotta go now! If my mother calls… tell her I’m on my way home. Okay? [ yelling ] IF MY MOTHER CALLS, TELL HER —

Old Lady: I don’t know your mother.

Little Girl: Um — well, thank you for the stew… ma’am.

[ the Little Girl slips through the door, as the Old Lady closes it and retreats into her kitchen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 3

80c: Ellen Burstyn / Aretha Franklin, Keith Sykes

A Message From David Rockefeller

David Rockefeller…..Charles Rocket

[ open on NBC program collage ]

Announcer: “Those Incredible TV Shows” will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you this important message from Chase Manhatten president David Rockefeller.

[ dissolve to David Rockefeller seated at desk ]

David Rockefeller: Hi. I’m David Rockefeller, with a message to you proor people from the new Reagan administration. Now, I’m not really a part of the government — only elected officials can make policy — everybody knows that! But they asked me to tell you about the new plan to eliminate poverty in the United States once and for all. The United States is going co-op, and, if you know anything about co-ops, you realize not everyone can stay — and we’re pretty choosy! So here are some guidelines to see if you qualify for a spot.

First of all: Income. A qualifying income, one that would allow you to stay, might be… say… $250,000 a year. Non-qualifying income would be, for example: $3.65 an hour.

Another thing we’ll be looking at is Occupation. If you happen to be, say, an International Financier — no problem there, you can stay! If, on theo ther hand, you were, say, an Unemployed Welfare Recipient… you’d have to go!

This is just some of the information we’re looking at. How do you know if you can stay? Well, if you don’t qualify, sometime within the next two weeks, you’ll receive one of these pink notices, evicting you fom the country. [ he hodls up the notice ] Now, I hear you saying, “Evicted from the U.S.? Where will we go?” Calm down. The President and I have always been quite clear on where you poor people can go.

First, you’re all to meet at Ellis Island. [ he picks up a globe ] From there, if your name begins with the letters A through J — Alvarez through Johnson — you’ll go to Cambodia.

K through M — you go to Argentina.

N through T — to El Salvador.

U through Z — Haiti.

There, you will begin your new lives as peasants, under the thumb of a friendly foreign dictator. And there, if you choose, you can study hard and try to qualify for a higher-paying job, say, a doctor or a lawyer. Then, we’ll welcome you back, and once again you’ll be… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

A Film By:
December 13th, 1980

Jamie Lee Curtis

James Brown

Ellen Shipley

None

Martin Brest

The Mean MajoritySummary: Members of the Mean Majority (Denny Dillon, Gail Matthius, Charles Rocket), an organization of decent, moral Americans, speaks out.

Transcript

Montage

Jamie Lee Curtis’ MonologueSummary: Jamie Lee Curtis treats the audience to her trademark horror film scream.

Bio: The daughter of Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis, Jamie Lee Curtis (1958-) was known as “The Scream Queen” for her performances in horror films like “Halloween” and “The Fog.”

Transcript

Clovin Hind Jeans ISummary: Only her brains come between Brooke Shields (Gail Matthius) and her Clovin Hind Jeans.

Transcript

The Attack of the Terrible Snapping CreaturesSummary: In horror spoof, roommates Gail (Gail Matthius) and Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) discover an outbreak of clothespins in their new apartment.

Three-Card MontySummary: Jersey guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) meets a three-card monty street hustler (Eddie Murphy) in New York City.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Transcript

“Who is Gilbert Gottfried?”Summary: Gilbert Gottfried introduces a film by Linda Lee, which shows how he managed to get on “Saturday Night Live.”

Dying To Be HeardSummary: The only way poetesses (Jamie Lee Curtis, Gail Matthius) can get their poems read on TV is by committing suicide.

Transcript

James Brown performs “Rapp Payback”Bio: An iconic performer of many titles, such as “The Godfather of Soul” and “The Hardest Working Man in Show Business,” James Brown (1933-) is responsible for turning R&B into soul, then for turning soul into funk.

Note: “Rapp Payback” is an homage to Brown’s earlier singles “Brother Rapp” and “The Payback.”

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Woodswoman (Denny Dillon) gives a remote editorial on President-elect Reagan’s proposed nuclear dumping policy. Joe Piscopo recaps the week in sports via poetic verse. Consumer reporter Eddie Murphy proposes dog food for human consumption.

Poker & Drugs Don’t MixSummary: In a satire of a public service announcement, poker players make bad hands while under the influence of drugs.

Transcript

Clovin Hind Jeans IISummary: If Brooke Shields’ (Gail Matthius) jeans could talk, then she could act.

Transcript

Badger ConventionSummary: A group of annoying lodge brothers who call themselves The Badgers hold their annual convention, where they initiate a new member (Matthew Laurence) and badger a frustrated waitress (Jamie Lee Curtis).

Transcript

James Brown performs a medley of his hits

Tortu-MaticSummary: Charles Rocket promotes the physical torture device that keeps him pumped to perfection.

“Hot Dogs For Gauguin”Summary: In an abridged version of a 1972 student film written and directed by Martin Brest, a photographer (Danny DeVito) plots to bomb the Statue of Liberty so he can snap an award-winning news photo afterwards.

Bio: A former NYU film student, Martin Brest (1951-) would later produce and direct Eddie Murphy in “Beverly Hills Cop” (1984), Robert De Niro in “Midnight Run” (1988), and Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman” (1992). He also wrote, produced and directed Ben Affleck in “Gigli” (2003).

Roweena’s Cut ‘n CurlSummary: While having her hair done by Roweena (Gail Matthius), Nadine (Denny Dillon) receives a visit from her punk-rocker daughter (Jamie Lee Curtis).

Recurring Characters: Nadine, Roweena.

Clovin Hind Jeans IIISummary: Brooke Shields (Gail Matthius) attempts to recite poetry about her Clovin Hinds before falling on her butt.

Camille Black’s Cycle GangSummary: TV news reporter (Jamie Lee Curtis) interviews biker Camille Black (Ann Risley), who advocates the burying of road kill.

Ellen Shipley performs “Fotogenic”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4

80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Badger Convention

Hotel Manager…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress…..Jamie Lee Curtis
Badger President…..Charles Rocket
Rodriguez…..Gilbert Gottfried
Higgins…..Patrick Weathers
Badger Secretary…..Eddie Murphy
Pendleton…..Matthew Laurence
Badger…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, hotel banquet room, as a waitress tidies up the tables before the meeting about to take place. The banner on the back wall reads: “Badger Convention.” ]

[ Hotel Manager enters room ]

Hotel Manager: Well, is everything ready for the banquet?

Waitress: Yep, we’re all set!

Hotel Manager: You know, you’re waiting on the Badgers tonight?

Waitress: Yeah. Who are these Badgers, anyway, a hockey team or something?

Hotel Manager: Uh.. you wish. [ chuckles to himself ]

[ Hotel Manager exits, as the rowdy Badgers burst into the room, dressed in loud suits accompanied by stuffed badgers on their heads, and already with the wisecracks ]

Badger President: Okay, fellas – let’s badger ’em!

[ five of the Badgers sit among two tables, as the Badger President takes his stance at the podium ]

Waitress: Uh.. hello?

Rodriguez: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!

Waitress: Excuse me? Good evening. You all must be the Badgers. Would you all like to check your hats?

Badger President: [ removes his badger cap and sniffs the fur ] There’s nothing wrong with our hats. Would you like to check the bottom of your shoes!

[ The Badgers crack themselves up laughing ]

Waitress: Well, I never!

Badger President: Oh, I bet you have!

[ they all make faces and gestures at the Waitress, as she turns and runs out of the room ]

Badger President: Brother Badgers, the meeting of Milwaukee Badger Post 213 will now come to order. Any old badgering?

Rodriguez: Yes!

Badger President: Rodriguez?

Rodriguez: I’d like to commend Brother Higgens here for badgering the bus driver all the way over here!

[ the Badgers hoot and hollar at the excitement ]

Higgins: And I’d like to commend Brother Rodriguez for badgering that man about bringing his dog into the lobby!

[ Rodriguez puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and whips out a walking cane, as all the Badgers whoop and hollar at his pantomime ]

Badger President: Sit down, Rodriguez! Hey, do I hear a Secretary’s report?

Secretary: Uh.. yes. Uh.. our Junior Badgers basketball team isn’t doing too well.

Badgers: Ohhhh..

Secretary: Unfortunately, they lost their first game to the Lion’s Cluib.

Badgers: Ohhhh..

Secretary: But.. on the bright side, those little Badgers managed to rack up fourteen technical fouls!

Badger President: Alriiight!! Okay, Junior Badgers. Hey, do we have any candidates for Badgerdom?

Secretary: Uh, yes.. Brother Pendleton. [ indicates the man sitting next to him ]

Badger President: Pendleton! Oh, good to see you here. Up front and center, Pendleton! [ Pendleton stands and approaches the podium ] Of course, I trust you’ve familiarized yourself with the Badger Code?

Pendleton: I know it by heart.

Badger President: Okay, you ready, pal?

Pendleton: Uh-huh. [ raises his right hand ]

Badger President: Great! B!

Pendleton: Bothersome!

Badger President: A!

Pendleton: Annoying!

Badger President: D!

Pendleton: Dispicable!

Badger President: G!

Pendleton: Grating!

Badger President: E!

Pendleton: Exasperating!

Badger President: R!

Pendleton: And.. Ridiculing!

Badger President: Alright, Pendleton, very good! Excellent! [ places a Badger cap onto Pendleton’s head ] Just remember, Pendleton, that only those who live by the Code can truly call themselves.. Badgers!

[ Badger President attempts to shake Pendleton’s hand, but Pendleton pulls it away at the last second. They enjoy the gag, as Pendleton returns to his seat. ]

Badger President: Hey! Brother Pendleton. Okay. [ turns his attention to the other table ] Rodriguez, in light of your accomplishment, let’s give you the first honor at dinner tonight.

[ everyone cheers Rodriguez on, as he runs to the center of the room and begins his display of badgering ]

Rodriguez: Waitress!!

Waitress: [ re-appears ] Yes, sir, would you all like to order drinks?

Rodriguez: Uh.. you make a Tom Collins?

Waitress: Sure.

Rodriguez: You make a Harvey Wallbanger?

Waitress: Absolutely!

Rodriguez: You ever make a guy named Marvin Grishman!

Waitress: I can’t beleive my ears!

Badger President: Oh, really? I can’t believe your face! What a horrible waste of skin!

Waitress: [ self-conscious ] What’s wrong with my face?!

Rodriguez: Oh! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up!

Waitress: [ screams ]

Hotel Manager: O-kay. What seems to be the problem here?

Waitress: They were badgering me!

Hotel Manager: Oh, you guys! I was nice enough to let you come back to the hotel this year. Now, if you don’t cut out that badgering, I’m just gonig to have to ask you to leave!

[ the Badgers fake moaning and groaning, not the least bit intimidated by being asked to leave ]

Hotel Manager: Now, gentlemen! Gentlemen! [ to Waitress ] Tell me, dear, what did they say?

Waitress: They owe me an apology! They said terrible things about my face!

Hotel Manager: Well, that’s disgusting.

Waitress: Yeah, the insults!

Hotel Manager: No, your face! [ whips out a badger cap from inside his jacket, and puts it on his head ] Joe Bolton, Badge Troop 118! [ makes faces and hollars with the rest of the Badgers, as the Waitress runs crying out of the room ]

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “86% Of All Americans Hate Statistics” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts