Category: 1984

Willie and Frankie

Frankie … Christopher Guest
Willie … Billy Crystal

[Hallway in an office building at night. Uniformedsecurity guards Willie and Frankie — two workingclass nebbishes with thick New York accents — carryflashlights and walk down the hall testing the knobson the locked office doors.]

Frankie: Hey, Willie.

Willie: Hi, Frankie.

Frankie: How’s the west wing?

Willie: All secure.

Frankie: That’s good.

Willie: You know somethin’, Frank?

Frankie: What?

Willie: I – I – I don’t like bein’ a nightwatchman. There – there’s nobody here.

Frankie: It means we’re doin’ our job, Willie.And doin’ it well.

Willie: Yeah, but I – I – I – I – I liked itbetter when we – when we was messengers, I mean, andthen I – I was out – I was meetin’ people.

Frankie: Like that woman over at Scheidelman’sSuits, right?

Willie: [reluctantly] I dropped her. Yeah, shewas all over me. All over me, she was. I – I – I needroom to breathe.

Frankie: I know, Willie. The stallion needs torun. [Willie nods solemnly in agreement] And runfree.

Willie: [rubs his shoulder in pain] Shoo,boy.

Frankie: What’s the matter?

Willie: Eh, my shoulder hurts. You know – youknow that narrow hallway in the boiler room? The onewith the, uh–?

Frankie: Exposed bolts comin’ out o’ thewall?

Willie: Yeah. Well, every time I walk past it,the bolts dig right into my shoulder. I– It’s verypainful.

Frankie: Boy. You wanna talk about some pain? Ibought one o’ them linoleum knives the other day, youknow?

Willie: With the double edge?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Yeah?

Frankie: So, I go home, you know, and I spreadmy toes apart and I just start sawing, back and forthand back and forth, you know?

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: And I take a little thing o’ Tobascosauce, you know?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: And just dump it on there. Talk abouta hotfoot, mister! Boy, that was rough.

Willie: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know,the other day, I took one o’ them, uh–?

Frankie: Meat thermometers?

Willie: Yeah! And I just shoved it into my ear,you know? As far as it could go, you know? But then Itook one o’ them, uh–?

Frankie: Ball-peen hammers?

Willie: Right. And just whacked it a few timesright in there, you know.

Frankie: Boy, that must smart.

Willie: I know! I HATE when THAThappens.

Frankie: You know what I hate?

Willie: What?

Frankie: I go into the kitchen, I open thedrawer, you know?

Willie: Uh huh?

Frankie: And I take out a, uh–

Willie: Carrot scraper?

Frankie: Right. And I stick it up my nose, youknow, and I’m rootin’ it around, and, you know,gettin’ all the mucus membranes out o’ there, youknow? And then I take one o’ them, uh–?

Willie: Mentholated eucalyptus coughdrops?

Frankie: Right. And I stick it– wedge it upthere, you know? I take a couple o’ whiffs, boy. Heh,ya feel like your head’s gonna explode.

Willie: Boy, isn’t THAT the truth? It’s likethe other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’mousetraps, ya know?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of,uh–

Frankie: Camembert?

Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right?A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work,right? So I got the Camembert in there.

Frankie: Right.

Willie: But every time I went to taste thecheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! …I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – Icouldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.

Frankie: Boy, you know what I hate? I hate– Igot a gross o’ them, uh–?

Willie: Razor blades?

Frankie: No.

Willie: Fish hooks?

Frankie: No.

Willie: Ah?

Frankie: Thumb tacks.

Willie: Ah! Yeah.

Frankie: Right?

Willie: Yeah.

Frankie: So I bring ’em home, you know, and Isprinkle ’em all out over the floor, you know?

Willie: Points up?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: Uh huh.

Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and Ijust ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?Stickin’ in all over my body. Then I jump in a hot tuband just soak.

Willie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: Hate that.

Willie: Sounds very painful.

Frankie: Very painful.

Willie: [heavy sigh] Boy. So what’re ya gonnado now?

Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check fifteen.

Willie: Yeah. I’m gonna check nine.

Frankie: Okay.

[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as theygo. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendlypat on the shoulder.]

Frankie: Good night, Willie!

[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit inopposite directions around the corners at the far endof the hallway. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 17th, 1984

Ed Asner

The Kinks

None

The Kinks, “Do It Again”

Lou Grant Rescue Mission

Ed Asner’s Monologue

“Wing Tips”

Ed Grimley Thanksgiving

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

60 Minutes

Recurring Characters: Herb Minkman, Al Minkman.

Me & Julio

Recurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Ricky Goes Bowling

Recurring Characters: Ricky.

Tippi Turtle

Saturday Night News with Ed Asner

The Kinks performs “Do It Again”

Nuclear Retiree

National Adopt A Non-Smoker Day

The Kinks performs “Word Of Mouth”

Peter Pan, the Later Years

SNL Transcripts

60 Minutes

Mike Wallace…..Harry Shearer
Herb Minkman…..Christopher Guest
Al Minkman…..Billy Crystal
Nathan Thurm…..Martin Short

[ open on Mike Wallace sitting in front of chromascreen reading “Laughter May Be Hazardous To Your Health” ]
Mike Wallace: I’m Mike Wallace. The novelty shop, or joke store, may seem like the home of innocent fun. But according to the Consumer Product Safety Commissioner, it may more often be the cause of serious, even permanent, injury. Defective novelties are showing up on American shelves in ever-increasing numbers. But not only does that worry federal regulators, it has two American businessmen fighting for their lives. Almost literally.

[ cut to Mike Wallace interviewing Herb and Al Minkman in their offices ]

Herb Minkman: Today, if you go to a party, and you see, you know, a whoopie cushion, or a plastic lost lunch, or the..

Al Minkman: Phony doggie doodie.

Herb Minkman: Yeah. And, if it doesn’t look good, it’s probably not a Minkman. And that makes us look bad.

Mike Wallace Voiceover: Herb and Al Minkman are third generation jokemakers. They grew up in a world of dribble glasses and Chinese finger prisons. But they’re growing old in a very different world – one overrun by pirate novelties.

Herb Minkman: [ holds Chinese finger prison ] This is a cheap imitation of a Minkman Chinese finger prison. Try it.

Mike Wallace: Alright. [ tries it, but his fingers come right out ] Nothing happened.

Al Minkman: Of course nothing happened! What should happen: you put your individual fingers in there, and then the circulation would be cut off..

Herb Minkman: Temporarily.

Al Minkman: Temporarily. And then, panic would ensue, and everybody would have a good laugh. But if your fingers aren’t trapped, then the joke is not on you.

Herb Minkman: By the way, Mike, I think you spilled your coffee. [ points to turned-over coffee cup ]

Mike Wallace: [ eyes grow wide with embarrassment ] Oh.. I’m sorry..

Herb Minkman: It’s only a joke. And you believed it, because it’s a Minkman product.

Mike Wallace: Alright, that’s very.. believeable.. spilled coffee.. But, why should anyone watching care whether their $5.95 dribble glass is the best in the world.

Herb Minkman: Because if you buy an inferior non-Minkman dribble glass, and you put it to your lips, and, because of uneven glazing, suddenly find yourself on the way to the emergency room, with 15 stitches, this does no longer amaze and delight your friends. This is a lawsuit.

[ cut to skyline of Hong Kong ]

Mike Wallace Voiceover: But where do all the inferior squirt pens and plastic vomit flow from? We flew to Hong Kong on a hunch, and here’s what we found.

[ cut to Mike Wallace standing outside a door ]

Mike Wallace: It looks like any other office. Until you open the door. [ enters ] In reality, it’s a very special kind of sweatshop, where three shifts a day are hard at work manufacturing counterfeit articles of amusement. [ pan across the table where the counterfeiters work ] Acccording to the Hong Kong City Clerk’s office, this factory is owned, through a complex web of companies, by a Mr. Ping E. Lee.

[ flash shots of Mr. Lee ]

Mike Wallace Voiceover: But despite repeated attempts to contact Mr. Lee over a 12-hour period, we coiuld get no response. But we were able to reach his attorney, Mr. Nathan Thurm.

[ close-up of nervous Nathan Thurm smoking from a cigarette as Mike Wallacer interrogates him ]

Mike Wallace: Mr. Thurm, let’s be honest. We’ve seen the people working for pennies, making defective novelty items, which, at best, don’t work, and don’t provide hours of family fun; at worst, creating serious injuries.

Nathan Thurm: [ pause ] So, what are you saying?

Mike Wallace: I’m saying that your boss, Mr. Lee, is, in effect, the Mr. Big of the pirate novelty business.

Nathan Thurm: No, he isn’t! You’re just saying that to get higher ratings on your TV show!

Mike Wallace: No, I wish I were, but.. we saw your people making pirate Mickman schnozzes.

Nathan Thurm: [ shakes head ] I don’t know what you’re talking about. [ smiles ] It’s funnythat you would say that! They don’t make schnozzes. They make semiconductors for a very reputable computer company. What’s wrong with that? Is there something wrong with that? Why, why, why is that something wrong to do? I don’t understnad that. Why are you pointing the finger at other people all the time? Why don’t you point the finger at yourself? Do a little more reading, maybe? Some time in court – maybe that would be effective for you!

Mike Wallace: Pardon me for saying this, but you seem defensive.

Nathan Thurm: I’m not being defensive! You’re the one who’sbeing defensive! Why is always the other person who’s being defensive?Have you ever asked yourself that? Why don’t you ask yourselfthat?

Mike Wallace: [ holds out paper ] This is an affadavit..

Nathan Thurm: I know that!

Mike Wallace: Well, let me finish. This is an affidavit from awoman who has severe nerve damage, on her upper thigh, from sitting onone of your defective whoopie cushions. Here, read it.

Nathan Thurm: You read it!

Mike Wallace: Well, I have read it.

Nathan Thurm: So, why do I have to read it?

Mike Wallace: Well, it does pertain to your company.

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Why wouldn’t I know that? It’s mycompany, I’m quite aware of that! [ looks at the camera ] Is it me? It’s him, right?

[ cut to Mike Wallace and the Minkmans walking through their joke factory ]

Herb Minkman: They can turn out an inferior product for pennies,because they don’t use the money that they make to put back into researchand development.

Al Minkman: We never ship a product that is not 100% fully tested.That’s why our father founded the Minkamn Joke Research Lab.

Herb Minkman: The American Oil Industry has a quote system. We don’tsee why it wouldn’t be psosible to have a similar kind of protection for theAmerican novelty industry.

Al Minkman: Mm-hmm.. See, Mike, once again, America is losing out onsomething it created. The Chinese did not invent this stuff. Highly-craftedartificial vomit is as American as the.. hot dog.

[ cut to Mike Wallace interviewing Herb and Al Minkman in their offices once again ]

Al Minkman: By the way, Mike, did you let a St. Bernard come in here?

Mike Wallace: No, Sir, I didn’t.

Herb Minkman: [ pointing ] Because there’s a big brown, seepingpresent underneath your chair! [ Mike Wallace jumps up as they laugh at him ]It’s a Minkman, Mike!

Mike Wallace: That’s good. That’s very, very good, fellas..

[ Herb and Al give each other an acknowledging glance ]

[ cut to “60 Minutes” stopwatch ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Lou Grant Rescue Mission

Lou Grant…..Ed Asner
Mercenary #1…..Rich Hall
Mercenary #2…..Jim Belushi
Georgette Baxter…..Pamela Stephenson
Mary Richards…..Mary Gross
Ted Baxter…..Billy Crystal
Rhoda Morgenstern…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Murray Slaughter…..Christopher Guest
Mercenary #3…..Gary Kroeger

[ open on a secret meeting in Lou Grant’s basement, three mercenaries sit around a table in the dark ]

Lou Grant: Alright, listen up. This mission is dangerous. Very dangerous. Some of us won’t be coming back.

Mercenary #1: Which ones?

Lou Grant: What?

Mercenary #1: Which of us won’t be coming back?

Lou Grant: I don’t know.

Mercenary #1: Me?

Lou Grant: I don’t know! Now.. [ lowers picture of Mary Richards ] ..here’s our objective.

Mercenary #2: It’s the girl from the television show!

Lou Grant: That’s right – it’s my pal, Mary Richards in Minneapolis. She’s been stuck there for seven year in syndicated reruns. That’s why I hired you guys – the best mercenaries in the business. We’re gonna go back there, and we’re gonna get her out!

Mercenary #1: Is it true what they say about her?

Lou Grant: What?

Mercenary #1: She can turen the world on with her smile.

Lou Grant: [ sentimental ] Yeah.. yeah, she could..

Mercenary #2: And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Lou Grant: No, of course not! Don’t be stupid! Alright, now here’s our objective.. [ drops blueprint on the table ] ..her apartment. Here’s her kitchen.. there’s the couch.. here’s the cute wooden letter “M” on the wall. She’s having a party tonight – now, I want you to cover the balcony, cover that area up there..

[ dissolve to Mary Richard’s second apartment, where she’s throwing a party for Ted Baxter ]

Georgette Baxter: Gosh, Mary, it’s so nice of you to throw this fundraising party for Ted’s campaign for the City Council, even though your party’s they were always so awful.

Mary Richards: Georgette.. my last party wasn’t awful. In fact, I thought it was really, you know, a really, very, kind of.. really not awful!

Ted Baxter: Mary, want to hear my new campaign slogan?

Mary Richards: Yes.

Ted Baxter: Here it is – “Vote For Ted, Get A New Car.”

Mary Richards: Ted, you can’t say that! What if you win?

Ted Baxter: Oh, yeah.. Damn!

Rhoda Morgenstern: [ in the kitchen, eating ] Gee, nice spread, Mare – potato chips and onion dip. I’ll name the pimple after you.

[ Mary brings a drink to Murray ]

Mary Richards: Murr?

Murray Slaughter: Mary, how could you give a fundraising dinner for Ted to run for public office?

Mary Richards: Oh, Murr, this is America! Everyone deserves a chance, even Ted!

Murray Slaughter: No, Maty you’re wrong. As I remember, Ted’s name isn’t even in the Constitution of the United States, it’s completely eliminated.

Mary Richards: Ah!

[ the Mercenaries and Lou Grant quickly swarm the apartment ]

Lou Grant: [ brandishing gun ] Alright! Nobody make a move, or we’re gonna blast your eyes out! Hi, Mary.

Mary Richards: [ excited ] Mr. Gra-a-a-ant! What are you doing here?

Lou Grant: I’ve come to get you out! The copter’s on the roof, let’s go!

Mary Richards: Get me out? Why?

Mercenary #2: Lou! Let’s go! The cops’ll be here any minute!

Lou Grant: Mary, you’ve been stuck here for seven years in syndicated reruns, doing the same things over and over and over. You’ve been promoted to Producer, you met Walter Cronkite, you went to the Teddy Awards, you went to Chuckles the Clown’s funeral – not once, but hundreds of times! Two, three, four times a night, in some cities! You’re in a rut! There’s a big, wonderful world out there, and you’ve missed it! I mean, you msised M-Tv, you missed Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, you missed “The New Odd Couple” show. And, all of you would like it out there! Murray, you know what they have now? Hair weaving. Rhoda! Your mother’s making a fortune out there, selling Bounty paper towels!

Mercenary #2: Lou! Come on, let’s get out of here! The cops are downstairs!

Lou Grant: Alright, let’s go, Mary!

Mary Richards: I.. can’t.. go with you, Mr. Grant..

Lou Grant: What?

Mary Richards: Mr. Grant, I like being here.. everyone’s nice to me here, I have friends who care about me, I never gain weight, get old.. I like my life in reruns, Mr. Grant. I’m.. happy. Goodbye, Mr. Grant. [ gives Lou a big hug ]

Lou Grant: I’m not a hugger.. [ pause ] Ohhh.. [ hugs Mary ] Alright, let’s put her up!

Mercenary #3: [ hugging on Rhoda ] Uh, Lou? I’m staying. This place is kind of neat.. I like this Jew girl.

Ted Baxter: Lou..? Lou..? [ sobbing ] Take me with you, Lou!! Oh, Lou-ou!! Take me with you, please!!

Mercenary #2: Want me to shoot him, Lou?

Lou Grant: No. [ points his gun at Ted ] You owe me one, Ted!

Ted Baxter: Thanks, Lou.

Ted Baxter: Let’s go! [ runs out ]

Mercenary #2: Alright, ocme on, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! [ runs out ]

Ted Baxter: This party stinks, Mary!

Mary Richards: I know, I know..

Ted Baxter: I know how to liven it up, though. Look out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Peter Pan, the Later Years

Peter Pan … Ed Asner
Wendy … Mary Gross

[A darkened bedroom in the middle of the night. Geneand Wendy, a husband and wife, are asleep in bed. Ahand reaches in and shakes Wendy’s shoulder.]

Peter Pan: Wendy! Wendy?

Wendy: [awakes with a start] What areyou–?!

Peter Pan: [covers her mouth] Don’t scream.It’s me, Peter.

[Wendy stares in disbelief at Peter — he’s a fat,balding, middle-aged man in a goofy green Peter Pancostume.]

Wendy: You can have all my money. Please, don’thurt me.

Peter Pan: Hurt you? Wendy, I know it’s been along time but it’s me, Peter. [stands proud, hands onhips] Peter Pan.

Wendy: Look at you! You can’t be Peter.

Peter Pan: Can be and is. Oh, I know I’ve gonethrough some heavy changes. But, oh, Wendy, I’vemissed you so much.

Wendy: I’m going to call the police.

[Wendy gets out from under the bedcovers and picks upa phone on a nearby night stand. A harp strikes achord as Peter stands at the open bedroom window and,with a grand gesture, sings to the stars.]

Peter Pan: [sings] There is a place wheredreams are born … And Time is neverplanned.

[Wendy, who has turned on the lights during this,finally recognizes him. She hangs up the phone, risesand happily joins him.]

Wendy: Oh, my God! Peter! [they hug warmly] Oh!But you got older! I thought you were never going togrow up.

Peter Pan: Oh, I know. It’s wild, isn’t it?When it first started to happen to me, I got REALupset. I thought, this can’t be happening to me. Then,Tinkerbell died.

Wendy: Tinkerbell is dead?

Peter Pan: Yeah. Five years ago. It wasawful.

[Peter and Wendy cross to the end of the bed and sittogether.]

Wendy: Captain Hook got her.

Peter Pan: No, no, no! It was natural causes,they said. But I’m not so sure. The last few days, shewas REAL depressed. After, I got depressed. And when Iget depressed, I start to eat. So, five years later,here I am — barely able to fly and so fat I show upon radar screens.

Wendy: Oh, Peter!

[Wendy puts her head on Peter’s shoulder. Behind them,Wendy’s husband Gene grunts and tosses in his sleep.Peter and Wendy look back at Gene but he keeps onsleeping.]

Peter Pan: Your husband?

Wendy: [nods] Second marriage.

Peter Pan: Oh. I’m sorry. What happened to thefirst one?

Wendy: He got tired of hearing aboutyou.

Peter Pan: Awwww ….

Wendy: This is Gene. He sells wallpaper. [Peterwaves halfheartedly at Gene] We’re -comfortable.

Peter Pan: Mmm? Yeah. Well, well, uh, whatabout the boys? Uh, how are – how are John and littleMichael?

Wendy: Well, John is Japan.

Peter Pan: Oh, good, good.

Wendy: And he’s stationed there with theNavy.

Peter Pan: Mm hm, mm hm.

Wendy: Michael, uh, he left home when he wasabout seventeen or so.

Peter Pan: Oh?

Wendy: We don’t know where he is. But he sendsus a card every Christmas just to let us know he’sokay.

Peter Pan: Why’d he leave?

Wendy: He was looking for you.

Peter Pan: Oh, no! Not another one! That’s allI’ve ever heard! [rises, upset] “He left home lookingfor you.” “This one was jumping off a roof, thinkinghe could fly.” The guilt! I couldn’t take it any moreso I gave everything up.

Wendy: What do you mean?

Peter Pan: I mean, when Tiger Lily started tolook different to me, I knew it was time to grow up.[sits next to Wendy, sadly]

Wendy: Peter? What do you want from me?

Peter Pan: Well, I’m not sure. Wendy, I alwaystold you I was coming back, some day, but I was alsoshy and then I started to lose my hair. And I gained afew. And I didn’t wanna see, you know, have you see melooking like this.

Wendy: Oh, Peter! How could you ever think thatway? You were my hero.

Peter Pan: Well–

Wendy: I loved you.

Peter Pan: Ha ha. I know that NOW. But, backthen, I only know I started to feel something but Iwasn’t sure what it was. And when you’re a little boy,you’re never sure of anything. It took me YEARS ofanalysis to realize that I love you, too, Wendy. And,uh, so today, after work, I had a few belts and Idecided, “This is it! Fly right over there and tellher everything.”

Wendy: [apprehensively] What are you saying,Peter?

Peter Pan: I want you, Wendy! [grabs her andkisses her]

Wendy: Oh! Peter! [tries to pull away fromhim]

Peter Pan: What?

Wendy: Oh, I wish you’d been here years ago.All I ever thought about is you. It broke up my firstmarriage.

Peter Pan: Please! The guilt, theguilt!

Wendy: Oh, I’m sorry. But, now, I can’t,Peter.

Peter Pan: Huh?

Wendy: I really did love you but — things havechanged. I’m too old to fly now and — I really don’twant to leave.

Peter Pan: [reluctantly] Sure. Okay. If that’sthe way you feel. [Wendy nods, a pause] But can’t weat least get it on once?

Wendy: Please, Peter, I think it’s better thatyou go.

Peter Pan: Okay, okay. I understand. And I’msorry. [rises] I figured you’d feel that way but,listen, before I go — [retreats to her night standand picks up a bundle] — I want to give yousomething.

[Wendy rises as Peter gives her the bundle – it lookslike a dark blanket tied up with string.]

Wendy: What is this?

Peter Pan: It’s my shadow! It’s a lot biggerthan the first one but I want you to have it,okay?

Wendy: Oh, Peter. [gives Peter a hug]

Peter Pan: Oh.

Wendy: Are you sure you’re gonna beokay?

Peter Pan: [broadly hinting that he wants tostay with her] Oh, I– I am tired and– It’s a longflight back.

Wendy: [raises a hand to stop him, firmly]Peter!

Peter Pan: [relents] Okay, okay.

Wendy: Here, I’ve got something. [sets downPeter’s shadow, retreats to a nearby dresser and pullsa box out of a drawer] It’s the magic fairy dust yougave me…

[Music in background as Wendy lifts a pinch of thesparkly dust from the box and lets it spill from herfingers.]

Peter Pan: Ohhh!

Wendy: [sprinkles fairy dust on Peter’sshoulders] … in case I ever wanted to come up for along weekend.

Peter Pan: Oh, yeah. Yes, well, once – once Iget past the first star and turn to the left, I startto get a little drowsy, you know. [retreatsreluctantly and a little sadly to the open bedroomwindow] Take care, Wendy. Think lovely thoughts.Lovely thoughts.

[Awkwardly but bravely, Peter crows like a cock andexits out the window. Wendy rushes to the window towatch Peter fly away. She waves to him with asmile.]

Wendy: Goodbye, Peter!

Peter Pan: [from off] Ow!

[A grand burst of “Peter Pan” music. Wendy laughs andwatches Peter go. Much applause as we pull back toreveal a lovely city skyline next to the bedroom setas well as the crew, the lights and thecameras.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Ricky Goes Bowling

Ricky … Billy Crystal

[Ricky, dressed for a night at the bowling alley, isdiscovered alone on a darkened Home Base in front of ablack curtain. He holds an imaginary bowling ball,ready to roll it down the lane. He steps forward andlets it go. Sound effect: ball rolls down the lane.Ricky watches it intently, trying to direct the ballwith his body English. Sound effect: pins going down.Ricky jumps up and stares in disbelief.]

Ricky: Noooo! No! Seven-ten split! I can’tBELIEVE it! The impossible split of all time! This isunbelievable, I can’t believe it! This is a-mazing!… [hands on hips, staring down the lane] Theseven-ten! The ball is cursed! Unbelievable, I can’tbelieve this – a-mazing! It’s unbelievable! …Oooooggghhh! [rolls eyes and sighs as he holds hishands over the alley’s blower and wriggles his fingersto dry them – shakes his head] … This is absolutelyunbelievable, this is amazing, ya know what I’mtalkin’ about?

[calls off] Hey, Eddie! How ya doin’? Good. Me? Lousy!I got the seven-ten here. Look at this – unbelievable!… How good can I be, ya know? Hey, how’s yoursister, by the way? [pause] Oh, no. I am sorry.I didn’t know. I didn’t hear nothin’, didn’t see it inthe papers or nothin’, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Whoa- I’m – I’m like that, ya know? Every time I asksomebody how they are, they’re dead. Ya know what I’mtalkin’ about? … [clutches his head inembarrassment, starts to laugh] So I’m really sorry![stops laughing] I’m not laughin’ now, ya know, I’mjust– … But it always happens to me. It’sunbelievable! I mean, this is unbelie– It’s amazing.Unbelievable. …

[calls off in another direction] Hey, Frankie! Hey,how ya doin’? Hey, where’s your brother? He owes meten bucks! [pause, turns back to Eddie] You see? Thisis– [puts fists to his temples, shakes his head,Frankie’s brother is dead] … This is unbelievable. Imean, ya know, unbelievable. But everything’s goin’like that now. It’s unbelievable, ya know? My old manis really, really upset with me. [beat] Well, I quitcollege again, ya know, ya know? I was goin’ throughjunior college, ya know, them two-year schools, yaknow? But I was there six years, I didn’t learnNOTHIN’! I’ll tell ya that right now. …

[waves dismissively] It’s ridiculous, it’s reallyridiculous, ya know? [wriggles fingers over blower]And then, my love life is goin’ south, ya know. Ibroke up with Joanie after all this time. Yeah, I hadto get rid of her, ya know. You know, man, you know.[beat] No, she didn’t have no mustache or nothin’, itwasn’t that. It was– … It was, like, the AGEdifference. It was the difference in our ages. Youknow, I’m thirty-seven now. Yeah, you know. I’ve beenaround. I been in Nam, I’ve been around, ya know? Iwas there, ya know? I’ve been around. And I know thatthey say the high school girls are more mature thanthey were – but I didn’t think so, ya know?…

Really stupid. You know what she said to me the othernight when we were sittin’ there smoochin’ and stuff,ya know? She looks up at me and she goes, “Ricky, Ibelieve that professional wrestling is fixed.” Do youbelieve THAT?! … [shakes his head] It wasunbelievable, it was absolutely unbelievable, Icouldn’t believe it, ya know? It was a-mazing! [rollshis eyes] …

Hey, did you vote? [beat] You did? I never vote. Ihave never voted, I’m proud to say. I never vote. …No, I– No, I DO care about who’s, ya know, who’s thepresident and all that stuff. I just don’t wanna havejury duty. Ya know what I’m talkin’ about? …

[waves dismissively, runs hands through his hair]Ooooh-gaaah! Lookin’ back there, ya know. Seven-ten![points, to the bowling pins] Seven-ten, I’m comin’for ya! Ooooh, man. [to Eddie] My whole life is, like,weird now, ya know. I’m thirty-seven, I don’t knowwhat’s goin’ on, ya know. Yeah, I’ve been unsettled,ya know. Think I’ll maybe go to California. Yeah, I’llgo out to California, ya know. It’s – it’s warm there,it’s really nice, ya know. Chicks’ll be there, yaknow. Maybe I’ll meet Hefner, ya know. … Hang outwith the chicks. ‘Cause I’m a chick guy. The chicksare over me, ya know? They’re all over me. I’m like apest strip, ya know what I’m talkin’ about? I’m like apest strip. It’s unbelievable, ya know?! … Yeah, yaknow, and then, ya know, if I’m in L.A., ya know, Ithink I could do what I really, really wanna do withmy life, ya know? I just didn’t know, it’s beenburnin’, burnin’ up inside o’ me. I really wannadirect a movie. … I really think that’s what mytalents are bent for, ya know. I really think that Icould just go out there and just really– I wouldreally like to direct a movie.

But! You know, too much. Too much. Hey, listen. HappyThanksgiving, man. You gonna be with your parents onThanksgiving? [beat, winces, buries his face in hishand, Eddie’s parents are dead] Ohhhh, no! I– … Ididn’t know! I’m– … This is one of them days, yaknow what I’m talkin’ about? I got two– Oh, boy, atriple! I got a triple, ya know? Oh, well, I gotta getthis [picks up imaginary bowling ball, sings to thetune of “The Impossible Dream”] impossiblespare!

Anyway, take care of yourself, all right? You knowsomethin’? After all this time, my old man’s right. Hesays, “Life is a tough job. And the hours are abitch!” You know what I’m talkin’ about? …

[Ricky gets set, then throws his imaginary ball downthe lane, watching it intently, lots of body English.Sound effect: ball rolls down the lane – pins crash.Ricky looks stunned.]

Ricky: I GOT IT!!! [pumps fists in the air] IGOT IT!!!

[Cheers and applause as Ricky jumps up and downhappily. Dissolve to a wider view of Ricky at HomeBase surrounded by cameras, crew andcrowd.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Wing Tips

Clerk…..Rich Hall
Manager…..Jim Belushi

[ open on Clerk sweeping the floor by the electronic doors of the store ]

Manager: Virgil! I’m going home for lunch! I want this entire floor spotless by the time I get back! I don’t want you to leave until it’s finished. Do you understand me?

Clerk: Yes, sir. [ Manager starts to walk away ] Will there be overtime, Mr. Hurvitz?

Manager: Overtime? Do I look like Mr. Moneybags to you?

Clerk: No, sir.

Manager: DO I?!

Clerk: No, sir.

Manager: [ angry ] I want this floor spotless. [ exits store ]

[ Clerk picks up electronic mat by the door so he can sweep under it. A female customer walks by and crashes into the doors ]

Clerk: I’m really sorry.

[ curious, the Clerk steps on the electronic mat, which sits in front of a snack machine. The door to the snack machine opens, spilling its contents. The clerk’s wheels start spinning, as he cuts the electronic mat into the shape of the soles of his shoes and glues them on. ]

[ Music Over: “The Street Only Knew Your Name” by Van Morrison” ]

[ Clerk practices his new shoes in the frozen food section, where threee freezer doors open ]

[ Clerk exits the store, opening the front electronic doors with his shoes ]

[ Clerk walks past a mailbox, which spills letters and envelopes ]

[ Clerk walks past car, whose doors, trunk and hood all pop open ]

[ Clerk walks past pallbearers carrying a casket. He offers one of the pallbearers a light, as the casket slowly creaks open, startling the pallbearers. ]

[ Clerk enters the hall of his Manager’s apartment building, rings the bell and drops a shoebox containing the electronic shoes at the foot of the door as he quickly disappears ]

[ Manager opens his door to discover the shoebox, grabs it and returns inside ]

[ dissolve to a few minutes later, as the Manager exits his apartment wearing his new shoes. Every time he closes his door, it quickly swings open, until he gets so aggravated he just leaves it open. ]

[ As Manager walks away, his briefcase opens and spills papers to the hallway floor. The Manager scoops up all the papers, but the briefcase refuses to close. Aggravated, the Manager hurls the briefcase into the stairwell as the door opens al by itself. ]

[ Continuing down the hall, the Manager doesn’t think twice about the elevator doors opening before he presses the button, so he walks right into the open shaft ]

Manager: Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!!

[ camera angle shows the empty elevator shaft, as the doors close behind the fallen body ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 1st, 1984

Ed Begley, Jr.

Billy Squier

None

Billy Squier, “Rock Me Tonight”

A Message From the Adopted Son of the President of the United States

Ed Begley, Jr.’s Monologue

Kate & Ali

Recurring Characters: Katherine Hepburn, Mohammed Ali.

Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

(Repeat) See: 11/10/84.

Book Beat

Time Traveller

Grim Reaper Trivial Pursuit

Refrigerator Magnets

(Repeat) See: 10/20/84.

Let’s Watch TV

Recurring Characters: Chi Chi, Consuela.

Chayefsky

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm.

Billy Squier performs “Rock Me Tonight”

Meshugana

Eyeball To Eyeball

Billy Squier performs “All Night Long”

Elevator Stool

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

…..Christopher Guest
…..Rich Hall
…..Gary Kroeger
Nathan Thurm…..Martin Short

Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with anchorperson Christopher Guest.

Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: John Gavin says that the President is not “gaga”. He said President Reagan is sometimes portrayed by the media as gaga, but is actually mentally alert and capable of dealing with complex issues. “You read in the press that he is gaga, but he’s demonstrated a keen grasp of arcane and complicated issues.” Gaga? We looked it up. “Gaga”, in the dictionary: gaga, from the French “gaga”. Fool. Doddard. Mentally foolish. Crazy. Doting. Used in an Aldous Huxley quote: “Slowly becoming gaga, becoming a senile imbecile.” It’s only right that John Gavin should defend the president against these accusations. John Gavin, by the way, is the movie actor who appeared in “Four Girls In Town” and “Tammy, Tell Me True,” and is now the United States Ambassador to the Republic of Mexico, having been appointed by fellow actor Ronald Reagan, who appeared in “Cowboy In Brooklyn” and “Brother Rat & The Baby”.

Christopher Guest: Here with some home economy tips, is our Consumer Affairs expert Rich Hall.

Rich Hall: Thank you, Chris. You know, far too often we hear the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a free sample.” Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is negative thinking. I’ve spent a god deal of time recently, combing supermarkets and shopping malls and places like that for.. free stuff. Stuff that doesn’t cost absolutely one penny. Things that you cna use for home improving, decorating, entertaining guests..

For instance, next time you visit the supermarket, pick up a roll of these visible hand puppets. [ holds up a produce bag ] It’s fun and entertaining for the kids, and the youngsters get a valuable look at the physiological and skeletal makeup of a hand puppet.

Anybody’s that ever painted their house, they know how expensive it is. So, next time you visit the hardware store, just grab about 8 or 9,000 of these. [ holds up a handful of paint sample strips ] And staple them to the side of your house. I figure eight or nine trips to the hardware store, you could have enough to cover the entire three-bedroom house.

Now, if you’re driving home, you may want to stop by the drive-in bank, and make a handy addition to your home dinner glass collection. [ holds up the deposit tube, banging it on the desk ] Sturdy, but durable.

And, if you visit a shoe store, did you know that these things are free? [ holds up the foot measurer ] It’s true. It makes a great cookie serving device there for parties, for snacks, you know exactly how many have been eaten.. you can figure out square roots on this thing, somehow.. and, if you have roaches at home, this makes a great football field for them!

So, just a few items to keep in mind when you’re looking for free stuff that exists in the universe. Just trying to help, I’m Rich Hall. [ hands Christopher the foot measurer ]

Christopher Guest: [ plays with the foot measurer for a moment, then remembers the camera ] Thank you, Rich.

These are this week’s headlines from Washington: Sen. Bob Dole was elected Senate Majority Leader; TV newsman Bernard Kalb is the new spokesman for the United States State Department; President and Mrs. Reagan have broken the record for the most helicopter trips to Camp David in one administration – 185 trips. The least number of trips was zero, made during the administration of Thomas Jefferson.

Christopher Guest: After the automobile, the next biggest killer of teenagers is suicide. Here, with a commwnt, is SNL News correspondent Gary Kroeger.

Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris. I’d like to address myself directly to the teenage audience that I know is out there. Listen to me: I was a teenager myself, once.. in fact, it was just a couple years ago. And I know how difficult it is to cope with the pressures of growing up. I mean, I was 20 before I landed my first part on a network television program. But I made it through that despairing tunnel of teendom, and I’ll tell you why – I’ve always kept a list of reasons to live. And I’d like to share them now with any teenager who might be listening, and might be a little discouraged with the big “L”.

Here are my reasons to live:

* This is Reagan’s last term – now, that should be encouraging.
* No substitute for sex will be invented in your lifetime.
* Brighma Young will finally have to play a team better than Bodiddly Tech.
* A friend of mine at Paramount says that in “Rocky IV”, Rocky dies.
* Someday, everything will be legal.
* The world will end soon, anyway.
* You can’t have root canal work more than 32 times.
* Liza Manelli has promised to never do another nude scene.
* Nobody can make you go to a Steve Wynn Hotel.
* And, finally, Ringo Starr is hosting next week’s “Saturday Night Live”.

After that, however, you’re on your own. Thanks! Back to you, Chris.

Christopher Guest: Thanks very much, Gary. you’ve given me.. something.

This week saw the second implantation of a Jarvik articificial heart, and the FDA approval of the Cochlear artificial ear. These are but two of the ever-increasing array of artificial limbs and organs that are currently being manufactured in this country and abroad. Not all of them gained FDA approval. Tonight, we go by satellite to Morgantown, West Virginia, to speak with Nathan Thurm, a lawyer representing the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company. They’ve become a leading manufacture of spare human parts, but without the approval of the FDA.

Welcome to NSL.. or, SNL News, Mr. Thurm. Take your pick. Apparently, the Federal Drug Administration does not cotton to a barber & beauty supply House getting involved in sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: [ defensively smokes on a cigarette with a long ash ] Is that what they say, or is that what you say? If that’s what they say, I have no comment. If that’s what you say, then I have no comment.

Christopher Guest: Then, you have no comment?

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Did I say that? I didn’t say that! I think that’s so funny that you think I said that! I didn’t say that!

Christopher Guest: Isn’t it true, that up until fairly recently, the only thing that Trammel manufactured were barber supplies?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Trammel does manufacture barber supplies! I never said they didn’t!

Christopher Guest: But, sir.. is it not quite a leap from hairdryers, say, to artificial livers?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Have you ever seen the inside of a liver?

Christopher Guest: No.

Nathan Thurm: Or the inside of a hairdryer?

Christopher Guest: Well, surely there’s a vast difference between the insides of organs and hairdryers.

Nathan Thurm: Why do you think I wouldn’t know that! I know that!

Christopher Guest: The point is, sir, that the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company is neither capable nor qualified to produce sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: Tell that to a person who desperately needs one of our products!

Christopher Guest: But there is an FDA investigation..

Nathan Thurm: The FDA should investigate you! Or SNL News! I don’t think you’re qualified to spread the lies that you put forth every week!

Christopher Guest: Well, that’s not the point..

Nathan Thurm: Well, then, what is the point? I don’t see the point of any of this!

Christopher Guest: Well, the point is that.. the point is that your client, who heretofore only made rat-tail combs, lather dispensers and curling irons, has jumped willy-nilly into the manufacture of substandard artificial organs!

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Substandard to what? Who sets the standard?

Christopher Guest: The FDA.

Nathan Thurm: What od they know about hot combs?

Christopher Guest: Well, I can see that we’re getting nowhere. Thank you being here with us tonight, Mr. Thurm, and good luck with the grand jury.

Nathan Thurm: Grand jury? What grand jury..?

Christopher Guest: Sorry, Mr. Thurm, our time is up. Thank you very much.

That’s the news for now. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 6th, 1984

None

Thompson Twins

None

None

Frederick Koehler Lifestyles of The Relatives of The Rich and FamousSummary: Robin Leach (Harry Shearer) profiles Katherine Hepbuern’s cousin Nelson Hepburn (Martin Short), a hot dog vendor.

Recurring Characters: Robin Leach.

Transcript

Montage

Billy Crystal’s MonologueSummary: Billy Crystal talks about the history of “Saturday Night Live” and how it relates to him getting older.

Olympics 1984: A Special ReportSummary: A filmed segment by Bruce Van Dusen shows how the Olympic torch is returned to Greece.

Rich Hall’s Election ReportSummary: Rich Hall follows Walter Mondale to multiple fundraising dinners.

Wheel of Fortune InterviewSummary: Happy-go-lucky Ed Grimley (Martin Short) auditions as a contestant on “Wheel of Fortune” contestant, despite the suicideal feelings of contestant coordinator (Christopher Guest).

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

Grandpa HowardSummary: Famed sportscaster Howard Cosell (Billy Crystal) babysits his grandchildren.

Recurring Characters: Howard Cosell.

Synchronized SwimmingSummary: In a film by Claude Kerven, Would-be synchronized swimmers Gerald (Harry Shearer) and Lawrence Orback (Martin Short) set their sights on the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Orback.

Transcript

Mondale & FerraroRecurring Characters: Walter Mondale, Geraldine Ferrarro.

The Thompson Twins perform “Hold Me Now”

The BulgeSummary: In a film by Andy Breckman, a man (Jim Belushi) overstuffs his pants in a desperate bid to be noticed by women in a bar,

Saturday Night News with FernandoSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

First Draft TheaterSummary: Early forms of Raymond Chandler’s “The Big Sleep” are performed.

Saturday Night News with Julia Louis DreyfusSummary: Bob Guccione (Jim Belushi) explains why he publishes sleaze material.

Book BeatSummary: Larry Thorpe (Christopher Guest) is unable to conduct his interview with author Wayne Kirven (Rich Hall) because he has an iron pipe through his head.

Running LateSummary: Martin Short kills time because the show is running late.

The Thompson Twins perform “The Gap”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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