Category: 1991

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 9

91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor

Suckerpunch

Host…..Steve Martin
Scott Fellstad…..Mike Myers
Christy Reynolds…..Victoria Jackson
Mark Strobel…..Chris Farley
Sabrina Boyd…..Ellen Cleghorne
Bob Van Arks…..Kevin Nealon

Don Pardo: Once again, it’s time for America’s most unpredictable game show, Suckerpunch. And here’s Mr. Suckerpunch himself, Chet Mutelle.

Host: Thank you and welcome to Suckerpunch. Now let’s meet our first Suckerpunch contestant, Scott Fellstad. Scott welcome to Suckerpunch.

Scott Fellstad: I’m sorry what’s the name of the show?

Host: Suckerpunch [fake punches Fellstad, ring sound heard, red light goes on, Fellstad falls to floor] Sorry Scott you didn’t win but that was a nice try. Now let’s meet Christy Reynolds. Christy, how was it that you came to join us here on Suckerpunch?

Christy Reynolds: Well I’m standing in line for the Tonight Show and then a page said they were getting new contestants for a new game show.

Host: Hmm well thanks for joining us Christy. Now let’s take a look at the Suckerpunch board. Categories are: American History, Shakespeare, Television, Trivia and Suckerpunches. Christy, which category do you choose?Christy Reynolds: I’ll take American- [Host punches Reynolds, ring and red light go off, Reynolds falls to ground]

Host: Sorry the category was Suckerpunches, Suckerpunches. Ok now our third contestant is Bob Van Arks from Racine, Wisconsin, but before we talk to Bob, let’s meet our audience member in the isolation booth, Mark Strobel, come on down Mark. Here we go Mark. [Mark blindfolded] Now the isolation booth is totally soundproof, am I right Mark?

Mark Strobel: That’s correct.

Host: OK you can take off the blindfold now and here’s the question. PT Barnum once said this type of person was born every minute.

Mark Strobel: Oh I know that, a sucker.

Host: That’s right. [Host Suckerpunches Mark, Mark falls to ground, ring sounds] Now let’s explain the rules for Suckerpunch. Basically whatever I say goes. Contestants were chosen at random from the ticket lines at the Tonight Show. Employees of NBC, their families or anyone who has ever seen Suckerpunch is ineligible. Ok let’s meet Bob Van Arks. Whoa, relax there a little bit there Bob. [taps Bob’s shoulder] I’ll tell you what, why don’t we come back and I’ll talk to our returning champion, Sabrina Boyd.

Sabrina Boyd: Hi Chet.

Host: Sabrina, this is your eighth week back.

Sabrina Boyd: That’s right. [Host and Boyd chuckle, Boyd Suckerpunches Bob]

Host: Alright Sabrina, you’re still our champion. Now tell us what you’ve won.

Sabrina Boyd: [starts picking pockets of contestants who had fallen] Well it looks like I’ve won about $300 [screeches] oooh! And a Diners Club card. [starts jumping]

Host: Oh congratulations! Well that’s it for Suckerpunch. This is Chet Futell saying ‘Hey your shoelace is untied’. [chuckes] Goodnight.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 9

91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor

Theatre Stories

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey…..Steve Martin
Mickey Rooney…..Dana Carvey
Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers
Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney

INT. THEATER – STAGE – EVENING

SUPER: THEATRE STORIES

[ Four elderly people, SIR WILLIAM SINDREN STEVEN SMYTHE CURSEY, American actor MICKEY ROONEY, KENNETH REESE-EVANS, and DAME SARAH KENSINGTON, are all seated next to each other. All dressed posh. ]

Announcer (V/O): The British Theater Alliance presents “Theatre Stories”, with your host — Kenneth Reese-Evans.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Hello, I’m Kenneth Reese-Evans, and welcome to episode, of, uh, “Theatre Stories”! Our guests tonight our Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey, or “Nobby”, as he’s known at the Old Vic…

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: A-llo! Always a pleasure!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: And our next guest, whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare…

[ Kenneth inhales very deeply. ]

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Was described as Dionysian and unabashedly insane! I’m of course speaking of D-a-a-me Sarah Kensington!

Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s. And finally, Hollywood film actor and child star — Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney: I was the number one star… IN THE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME!?

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!!

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s, of course. Yes, yes. Now, just before the show started, Nobby here was telling us all a story here of Sir Laurence [ deep pause ] Olivier.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Yeah, yeah, Larry was performing in the American motion picture “Marathon Man” and Dustin Hoffman came to him one morning looking absolutely wretched! And Olivier said, “ You look absolutely wretched!” And Dustin said, “Well, I’ve stayed awake for 24 hours, because at this point in the picture, my character has been up all night.” And Sir Laurence quipped, “Oh, Dusty! Why don’t you try acting?”

[ Kenneth and Sir William laugh. ]

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Oh, ho, very good!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Well, Dustin shoots back, “Act on this you old English fag!”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Shame! Shame!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: And then, Sir Larry retorts, “I want a meal, not a snack!”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Very clever.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: And the American replies, “Self-serve buddy!”

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Shame!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: And Sir Larry takes a beat, as only Sir Larry can, and he says something, so perfect! So absolutely perfect!

[ Sir William reclines in his chair and folds his arms. ]

Mickey Rooney: Incidentally, for your edification, I tried to sell a script to Mr. Dustin Hoffman. He never called me back. And I’ve been in the business for 68 years. YOU HEAR ME!? I was the number one star IN THE WORLD!

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!! I made $200,000 in 1937 and by 1945, I was broke. I went to my accountant and I said “I’m broke.” He said, “You can’t be broke. You were the number one star IN THE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME!?

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!!

Dame Sarah Kensington: Yes, I quite agree. I’ve been married five times to the same wonderful man.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes, yes. That reminds me of a story that is in no way related! I was working with Sir. John. Gielgud, in a production of “Troilus and Cressida” when I discovered I HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Really, really! I always felt Sir John Gielgud had a certain, as the French say, I-don’t-know what.

Dame Sarah Kensington: I was playing Lady Macbeth to John Gielgud’s Othello in a production of “The Tempest” and who should I see in the front row, taking notes, but Mr. Potato Head! And the thing that struck me about Mr. Potato Head was that his facial features were completely interchangeable.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s, yes, yes. Of course, a little bit sly, that Mr. Potato Head. Tell me, Mr. Rooney! Who is your favorite Leading. Lady.

Mickey Rooney: Look, being four foot eight, I was never going to romance Miss Kim Novak, but I the pleasure of performing with the lovely Miss Judy Garland. So I’m not bitter. You see, that’s how it works. I’M NOT A FREAK! I was the number one star IN THE WORLD! YOU HEAR ME!?

[ Mickey puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Mickey Rooney: Bang! THE WORLD!! In 1965, I called Warner Bros. and I said, “This is Mickey Rooney. I need a job.” The bastard hung up on me.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: What a fascinating story, you ghastly American!

[ Sir William puckers his lips and sucks. He bangs his fists together and pretends to pull a string. ]

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Bang!

Mickey Rooney: I’m just glad I like women!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: What are you getting at!?

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Y-e-e-s, yes. Why don’t you go somewhere and have an American, hot-a-dog!

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: You know, I remember a performance of “Richard III” during the war, and right in the middle of the second act, we took a direct hit from the Nazi buzz bomb. I looked up and saw, the ceiling crash down on me, and I went, “Ugh!” And I soiled myself.

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I don’t blame you. I would have done the same; had I seen that.

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: Not then, I mean just, now. When I went —

[ Sir William extends his arms. ]

Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey: “Argh!” Excuse me…

[ Sir William departs. Kenneth pulls out a handkerchief and wipes Sir William’s chair. ]

Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes, yes, of course. That was fascinating, but the rest of the story will have to wait BECAUSE THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE!! So we’ll see you next week on “THEATRE STORIES”!!

[ Kenneth continues to wipe Sir William’s chair. ]

SUPER: THEATRE STORIES

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

“The Tonight Song”

…..Steve Martin
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open in Steve Martin’s dressing room ]

Chris Farley: So, you remember when Bill Murray came.. when you were the Medieval Barber, when he came in and his legs were all broken.. after having to much mead?

Steve Martin: Yeah. What about it?

Chris Farley: That was awesome!

Steve Martin: That was a long time ago..

Victoria Jackson: [ running in ] Steve, want to run lines for our scene?

Steve Martin: [ annoyed that he’s interrupted from reading his paper ] We have a sketch together? Is it on cue cards?

Victoria Jackson: I guess so..

Steve Martin: Then what’s the problem?

Chris Farley: [ pulling up King Tut costume ] Mr. Martin? Before you go, I was wondering.. I found this in wardrobe, and I was wondering if you could sign it?

Steve Martin: My old King Tut costume.. I remember this. This was back when the show meant something.. Back when I used to care..

[ singing ]
Something’s out there.. [ whistles ]
Something’s in the air.. [ whistles ]
Don’t know how, don’t know why
Got a feeling tonight’s the night I’m actually gonna tryyyyy..

[ Steve, Victoria and Chris Farley run into the hall ]

Not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna go through the motions tonight.
This time I’m really gonna do the best I can.
Mr. Cue Card Man, put those down over there.
For some reason tonight, I care!

Victoria Jackson: You care?

Steve Martin: That’s right!

[ steps in the middle of the audience ]

That’s why I’m not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna read my screenplay during the songs tonight.

I could walk through my parts and still be hilarious
I’ve done it so often before.
But look at these faces – look at this fat guy.
He wants more. He wants mo-o-o-o-ore!

Audience Member: Hey, I’m not that fat!

Steve Martin: Please.

So many times I faked, just because I could.
I’m that good!
But 20% won’t do tonight..

Mike Myers: [ stepping out ] Mr. Martin, I’ll do it for you tonight..

Julia Sweeney: [ steps out as Pat, but strips herself of the characterand costume ]
Gonna do something different tonight.
Something says not to just do Pat tonight..

Tim Meadows:
I don’t have any lines.
I’m not in the show.
But something tells me that if I were
I’d be raring to go-o-o-o-o!

Chris Farley:
Not gonna get liquored up tonight!
I’m not gonna have a drink tonight!
I’m not gonna drink ‘ til “Update” is through.
That’s a promise to you, the viewer!
Yes, after the show, I’ll drink ’til I spew.
But for now, I’m clearheaded for you!

Phil Hartman: [ steps out, holding up a wig and piece of make-up ]
I hide behind these wigs and this make-up
But tonight I’m gonna let myself shine through.
Yes, they’re gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight!
Steve Martin: I wouldn’t do that, Phil.
Phil Hartman: Okay.
Steve Martin: Follow me, everyone! Let’s go make an effort!

Not gonna have dead air tonight!
Gonna seem as if we care tonight!

Kevin Nealon: But, Steve, why do you care? Aren’t you rich?

Steve Martin:

I’m worth $17 million

I could buy and sell you, and you and you, a thousand times over.

But tonight, there’s a show to do!

Joe Dicso: Five minutes to Monologue, Mr. Martin!

Steve Martin: Thanks, Joe! [ dances off the set with the cast ]

Joe Dicso:

I can’t ever get fired, I’ve got a Union job.
But somehow tonight it doesn’t matter that I’m in with the mob..
Stagehands: [ dancin in ]
Gonna move our lardasses tonight.
We’re gonna move our fat Teamster asses tonight..

[ Steve Martin and the cast dance past Lorne Michaels, who’s recieving apedicure ]

Lorne Michaels: Steve, what’s going on?

Steve Martin: We’re going to do our best tonight, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: But, Steve, the show’s on automatic pilot. I don’teven come in until Saturday.

Steve Martin: Lorne, don’t you see? That’s not the way it was in the 70’s. Back in the 70’s, people cared. They believed in something! Now it’s the 80’s, and everything’s yuppie, yuppie, yuppie.. spend, spend, spend!

Lorne Michaels: Steve, it’s the 90’s.

Steve Martin: Whatever. You see..

I’ve always wanted to see
How good I could be.
I just want to know.
Lorne Michaels:
Then go, Steve, go
And have a great sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwwwww!!

Steve Martin: Thanks, Lorne. [ walks down the hall ] I feel young again! I feel like I’m.. 38!

Cast:
We’re gonna learn our lines, do our parts well
Then we’ll go back to coasting
But not while Steve’s host
‘Cause.. we’re..
Not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna sleepwalk through tonight.

Steve Martin: I made it happen!
Cast: Steve made it happen!
Steve Martin: Now it’s in sight!
Cast: Now it’s in sight!
Steve Martin: Live, from New York.. [ stuck ] Line? [ CueCard Man points to “It’s Saturday Night!” on cue card ] ..it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 9

91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Kennedy Nealon and that’s a damnable lie. Our top story tonight. The Soviet Union is dead. In lieu of flowers, it’s asked that you send food and Levi 501’s.

Five central Asian Republics have decided to join the new Soviet Commonwealth following the republics of Russia, Ukraine and Balu, Russia. The new ones are Assissstan, Turkmenistan, Resurestan, Ugabastan and Takibastan.

In what many are calling his final humiliation, Mikhail Gorbachev was traded to the New York Yankees for two rookie outfielders.

The new CIA chief and former agency criminologist Robert Gates said today that the Soviet Union may collapse sometime in the middle 1990’s.

Conservative Republican Pat Buchanan announced his candidacy for president this week, proclaiming his slogan ‘America First’. Meanwhile president Bush was preparing his campaign and proclaiming his slogan ‘American when I have the time’.

Political pollsters said they has to remove the option of undecided from all presidential election polls this year. Apparently people filling the polls out have been afraid that marking ‘undecided’ could be interpreted as a vote from Mario Cuomo.

Salman Rushdie emerged from hiding this week and made a surprising visit to New York City where he spoke at Columbia University. Rushdie says he plans to go ahead with the paperback publication of ‘Satanic Verses’. Weekend Update was fortunate enough to get an advanced copy of the book. [Nealon hides behind desk, so only the book can be seen.] Alright [gets back in his chair]

As freed hostages adjust to their new lives back home, psychologists are warning that their re-entry to a changed world must be gentle and gradual. When they are safely readjusted to society, only then will they be told about Dan Quayle.

After a faulty switch box failed to light the White House Christmas tree, president Bush tried to fix it by hitting and jiggling the box. Finally the method was effective and the tree light up beautifully. Bush immediately suggested putting the US economy in the box and jiggling that.

Well for those of you who missed the William Kennedy Smith trial, here are the highlights. O-bar, massage, towel, too soft, panties and bruises, Teddy, base, lasagna, not guilty.Before the verdict was read, judge Mario- sorry Mary Lupo, was instructed that no emotions be shown in the court room. Upon hearing the not guilty decision, Willy jumped up, spread out a towel and hugged his attorney.

Earlier in a shameful display of tackiness, local merchants and vendors took advantage of the trail by selling everything from souvenir trial t-shirts to high priced advertising space. [screen shows face of alleged victim blocked out by words ‘your ad here’]

Most of North America was reported missing this morning during a routine weather report. Alarmed investigators are questioning neighboring Mexico.

To observe tomorrows Bill of Rights two-hundredth anniversary, I’d like to take this time to demonstrate freedom of speech. [raises his voice] Chucks, chucks, booga booga booga, ooh, ooh, wooh hoo hoo, oooh with your grandmothers underwear! Now that’s what makes America great. See that’s something you cannot do in any other country.

You know there’s a lot of people out there who think they’re really something, but they’re not, and to them I’d like to say be very, very careful because maybe one day you may just turn out to be something you’re not.

Inventor Robert Kearns has won a lawsuit against Chrysler for its infringement for his patent on his intermittent windshield wipers. Victory is expected to result in other inventors suing over similar features of Chrysler cars including intermittent engines, intermittent brakes and intermittent seatbelts.

And if you’re into expensive Christmas gifts, here’s a suggestion. The new swiss army car. It has 101 uses besides driving.

Smooth Joe Camel is in serious condition today. Doctors had to perform emergency surgery after he discovered that his trademark camel humps were actually two giant tumors caused by years of compulsive smoking. Following the surgery, Camel announced that they would be changing the brand name to ‘Llama’.

And as a reminder, only ten shoplifting days until Christmas.

According to US postal Service in Columbus, Ohio, a worker jokingly programmed a scanner to print ‘you bitch’ on ten thousand envelopes that were supposed to carry a holiday message. The prank went unnoticed and all ten thousand letters were delivered to Leona Helmsley.

Consumer Watchdog Group now says that if you play Madonna’s records backwards, you hear satanic messages. The good news is if you play her videos backwards, she puts her clothes on and abstains from sex.

New York City officials are once again cautioning tourists during the holiday season and if you see a man in a red velvet suit calling ‘ho, ho, ho’, make sure he is a sidewalk santa and not a pimp drumming up business.

Well Einstein’s theory of relativity, which postulates that people age more slowly when traveling through space was proven wrong this week with the release of Star Trek 6.

You know I’ve seen Cocoon twice and this is the same picture.

Alright, and in other entertainment news, Tristar’s long awaited Hook opened this week across the nation. [picture of Barbra Streisand shown]

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 11th, 1992

Rob Morrow

Nirvana

None

Nirvana, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Oliver Stone

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Rob Morrow’s Monologue

Salon

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

Delta Delta Delta

Recurring Characters: Pam, Di, Meg.

Lonesome Cowboys

Nirvana performs “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Jan Brady.

Lenin’s Body

Heaven Small Talk

Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo

Insulting Names

Nirvana performs “Territorial Pissings”

Late Comments

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo

…..Chris Rock
Douglas Randall…..Rob Morrow
Outraged Audience Member…..Ellen Cleghorne
Pamela Swinson…..Siobhan Fallon

[ open on the Apollo Theater stage ]

Announcer: Please welcome Chris Rock!

Chris Rock: [ enters onstage ] What’s up! Yeah, so what’s up!

[ dissolve to Chris Rock delivering his commercial pitch ]

Chris Rock: Hi. I’m Chris Rock, and that was me at the world-famous Apollo Theater. Now, it’s a known fact that the crowd at the Apollo is one of the toughest in the world, and people often come up to me and say, “Chris, I’m white. How can I survive the Apollo?” That’s why Icreated these videotapes entitled, “Chris Rock’s White Person’s Guide To Surviving The Apollo”. Let me show you one white person who benefited from my experience.

[ cut to tape from the Apollo, white guy Douglas Randall taking the stage ]

Douglas Randall: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening? The other day I wa cleaning my pool, and you know how..

[ crowd starts booing ]

Outraged Audience Member: Oh, boy, I don’t care for! Get outta here! Hey, where’s Sinbad?!

[ Douglas is quickly pelted with lettuce and old shoes as he runs off stage ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]

Chris Rock: Now, this is Douglas Randall. Now, Doug, it’s like the audience was a little rough that night.

Douglas Randall: Yeah, Chris, they were.. and I started to give up comedy, and then somebody told me about your tape.

Chris Rock: And did you return to the Apollo?

Douglas Randall: I sure did!

Chris Rock: Let’s see the crowd reaction.

[ cut to tape from the Apollo, with Douglas performing his act in the style of a black comedian ]

Douglas Randall: And then I said to Hammer, “You’d better not touvh this!” [ points to crotch ]

Outraged Audience Member: [ now elated ] Damn, that boy is funny!

Douglas Randall: Big butt? White guy got a little butt!

Outraged Audience Member: [ can’t stop laughing ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Douglas ]

Chris Rock: Well, Doug, I see you studied Leson 4: Big Butt Jokes. Did you have any other favorites?

Douglas Randall: Well, yeah, Chris. I did end with a James Brown toilet impression, like you suggested in Lesson 6.

Chris Rock: That’s right! you cna never go wrong with an impression of James Brown on the toilet! Well, thanks a lot, Doug. Why don’t you take care of that leg? [ Doug exits ] With my tapes, any white person can learn hoe to survive the Apollo – no matter what kind of act you have. Order now, and receive a list of “Head So Big” jokes, “Feet So Stink” jokes, and “If That Was A Brother I Think It Would Have Went Like This” jokes, and many more. Now, some of you are saying, “Chris, I’m not a coomedian. I’m white and I sing. How can I survive the Apollo?

[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” at the Apollo, and receiving negative reaction ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock with Pamela ]

Chris Rock: This is Pam Swinson. Tough crowd, huh, Pam?

Pamela Swinson: They sure were, Chris. What do you think I can do?

Chris Rock: Well, I don’t think “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” is right for the Apollo. Why don’t you try singing “And I Am Telling You” by Jennifer Holliday?

Pamela Swinson: Do you think that will work, Mr. Rock?

Chris Rock: It always works.

[ show tape of Pamela Swinson singing “And I Am Telling You” at the Apollo, and receiving positive reaction as she kicks off her shoes and gets the crowd moving ]

[ dissolve back to Chris Rock holding up his tapes ]

Chris Rock: You know, there are so many white people who have benefited from my tapes. Why don’t you, too, join the ranks, and maybe you, too, can survive the Apollo?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Rob Morrow

Rob Morrow: I’d like to thank Nirvana.. and, uh.. this incredibly gracious group of people! Thank you, thanks for tuning in, good night!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 10

91j: Rob Morrow / Nirvana

Insulting Comments

…..Rob Morrow
…..Mike Myers
…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Siobhan Fallon
…..Beth Cahill
…..Melanie Hutsell

Rob Morrow: Ah moron, how are ya?

Mike Myers: Hey idiot, fancy meeting you here.

Rob Morrow: Well I would have never come if I knew apple breath was gonna be here.

Mike Myers: [laughs] Well you’re gonna have to live with it, won’t you, oh smelly one.

Rob Morrow: Oh, what have you been doin lately? Eatin the puss out of your zits?

Mike Myers: Well no stinky, I just finished a book about you.

Rob Morrow: Is that right count fag-ula?

Mike Myers: Yes it’s called the life and time of a man with no penis, it’s pretty good.

Rob Morrow: Well I’m glad you found time to read for a change instead of sniffing your finger all day like you always do. [Sandler and Spade walk in.] Hey if it isn’t Mr. Douche and Mr. Bag, the Finnigan twins, how are ya?

David Spade: Pretty good booger belly, considering the fact that I just got finished shaving your moms back.

Mike Myers: And how about you Johnny Dingleberry, still having those fantasies about sniffing Ed Asner’s feet?

Adam Sandler: Woah easy there ‘sergeant skid marks’. Actually I’ve been too busy pickin out my little hairs out of your sisters teeth.

Rob Morrow: Hey pigstains, where the hell’s our slices?

Kevin Nealon: Coming right up you oozing wad of stink. Ok I got pepperoni for Sir Scrotum [hands slide to Morrow], and I got onion for the Hemorrhoid King [hands slice to Myers], and I got anchovies for Micro Wang [hands slice to Sandler], and a little extra cheese for Mr. Herpes Simplex [hands slide to Spade], enjoy!

Rob Morrow: Well well well, if it isn’t skank fest ’92. [Beth Cahill, Melanie Hutsell and Siobhan Fallon enter.] What brings you skank bags here?

Siobhan Fallon: We wanted to see what it was like to watch 4 giant gerbil stuffing mutants eat pizza, and you know what? We came to the right place.

Melanie Hutsell: So what are you chunks of steaming corn infested dung up to?

Adam Sandler: Ah, just tryin to keep ourselves disease free you baloated yeast ridden hose bag.

Beth Cahill: Throwin a party across town, you chicken choking losers wanna come?

Rob Morrow: With you scab pickin tuna queens? Sure. [all leave table]

Kevin Nealon: Hope you all get killed tonight you sons of bitches.

Phil Hartman: [sitting at his table, lifting menu from in front of his face] Sticks and stones may break their bones, but apparently names will never hurt.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts

Late Comments

Dave…..Rob Morrow
Bill…..Mike Myers
Beth…..Beth Cahill
Waitress…..Siobhan Fallon

[ open on three friends sitting at a table in a restaurant ]

Beth: So, I heard Jerry Brown say that nowadays we only have one party – the Incumbent Party! [ Bill laughs ] And I can see where he’s coming from.

Bill: You know.. I don’t know.. some of those Democrats make me appreciate Quayle!

Dave: That’s right.

Bill: Hey, this is a good place. Have you been here before?

Beth: No, I have not. But I like it already.

Bill: I know, these chairs alone! [ chuckles ] Anyways, you know what’s interesting…

Dave: It’s outerspace. [ Bill and Beth are confused by the outburst ] Jerry Brown. I’m sorry.. you know, where Jerry Brown is coming from, probably.. I..

Beth: [ realizing Dave’s answering an earlier comment ] Oh.. right..

Bill: Oh.. yeah, yeah.. okay.. So, you know what’s good here, is the Yankee Pot Roast.

Beth: Oh?

Dave: Yeah, that is pretty good here.

Beth: That sounds enticing.

Bill: Yeah, you’ll think you’re in Boston, but without the crazy cabdrivers!

Beth: [ laughs ] I’ve heard about those crazy cabdrivers!

Bill: Yeah..

Dave: [ starts to say something, but doesn’t ] I’m sorry.. go ahead..

Bill: Oh. Okay. Uh.. well, they’ll anything you tell them, right? If you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! [ Beth laughs ] I mean, I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys! [ Beth laughs ] And you know what else is great about Boston?

Beth: What?

Bill: The Clam Chowder.

Beth: Oh, I love Clam Chowder!

Dave: [ now responding to an earlier comment ] They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ laughs ]

Bill: [ confused ] Yeah.. yeah.. right..

Beth: Uh-huh..

Dave: The cabbies in Boston.. the training films they.. chase scenes..

Bill: Right.. Anyway, the clam chowder in Boston is truly great.

Beth: Yeah!

Bill: Hey, you know what else is great? Going to a Red Sox game.

Beth: Oh, sure!

Bill: Yeah. I was there in 1986 when they lost the World Series.

Beth: Oh, wow..

Dave: To the Mets?

Bill: Yeah.. to the Mets. So, anyways, I’ll tell you what happened. I paid $100 to a guy, right? And it turned out it was a forged ticket.

Beth: [ stunned ] No way!

Dave: Clam Chowdah!

Bill: Uh..?

Dave: You know. I mean, just the way they’re always with the Clam Chowdah! New Englandahs!

Beth: Yeah…

Bill: That’s very true.. that’s very true..

Waitress: [ approaches ] Did you folks need menus?

Beth: Uh, no. I’ll just have the Yankee Pot Roast.

Waitress: Sir?

Bill: Uh.. does the French dip come with French fries?

Waitress: Pretty much everything comes with French fries.

Bill: Good. That’s the only way I can eat French dip! [ he and Beth laugh ]

Waitress: [ to Dave ] Sir?

Dave: Oh, uh.. just a burger..

Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]

Bill: So, who’s out there? Who you gonna vote for?

Beth: I know, it’s scary.. There’s that Clinton guy, he seems okay. Is he from Florida?

Bill: No.

Dave: He’s from Arkansas.

Beth: Who’s the one from Florida?

Bill: Pee Wee Herman! [ they laugh ]

Dave: [ near hysterical ] Could we get the waiter, please! Miss!

Waitress: [ returns ] Yeah?

Dave: Um.. what about coffee and French fries?

Waitress: What?

Dave: [ laughs ] Well, you said practically everything comes with fries..

Waitress: Yeah. Well.. actually, not practically everything comes with fries.

Dave: Yeah, I know, I..

Waitress: Yeah. [ walks away ]

Dave: [ tense ] So, uh.. huh.. those candidates are really something..

Beth: Yeah, they are. That Pat Buchanan guy..

Bill: Yeah. Pat Buchanan’s got some interesting ideas. About as interesting as David Duke’s!

Dave: Now that Steinbrenner’s coming back, I don’t know how it’s gonna taste! [ laughs out loud ]

Beth: [ confused ] Who was that, Dave?

Bill: What are you talking about, Dave?

Dave: The.. Yankee Pot Roast.. I don’t know if it’s.. gonna taste good..

Beth: Steinbrenner..

Bill: Right. Well, that’s a possibility, Dave.

Dave: Well, what does that mena?

Bill: Well, Dave, that was about five subjects ago.

Dave: Well, I’m sorry. I’m just not a subject counter.

Bill: [ to Beth ] Yeah, well, Dave’s a ltitle behind. He’s just now recently getting into rap! Hey, did you hear Prince’s new album?

Beth: Prince?! That guy’s still around?

Bill: Well, yeah, yeah. The new album’s pretty good, the old man’s got some life in ihim.

Beth: Well, I’m more a U2 gal.

Bill: Well, they’re always doing something.

Dave: Bill’s a little behind himself, when he’s not being an ass!

Beth: What, Dave..?

Dave: It’s just that thing you said about me being a little.. behind.. uh.. I’ve just gotta stand up for a minute..

Bill: Okay. Whatever. [ contunies talking to Beth ]

[ Dave exits to the bathroom, where he stares at himself reflectively in the mirror, wondering why he can’t just get it together. He looks at the condom machine hanging on the wall, and turns away. He then notices a bathroom stall marked “Time Machine”, and quickly enters, dispensing a few condoms before he goes. ]

[ the action returns to the table moments earlier, with Dave now in full swing with the conversation ]

Bill: So, these cabbies, if you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500! I don’t know what kind of training films they show these guys..

Dave: They probably show them “The French Connection”! [ everyone laughs ]

Bill: Right! Hey, you know what else is great in Boston? The clam chowder.

Dave: Clam Chowdah! [ everyone laughs ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Salon

Spokesman…..David Spade
Woman…..Victoria Jackson

[ open in the Salon salon ]

Spokesman: Would you like your hair to have Sa-lon! finish, Sa-lon! shine, and Sa-lon! hold? Well, now you can! All your wildest Sa-lon! fantasies will come true – with new Sa-lon! Shampoo! [ holds up product ]

Follow these two simple steps: First, wash your hair; then say the word “Sa-lon!” like I do, with the accent on the first syllable. Keep saying the word “Sa-lon!” and feel your hair getting richer, fuller, fresher, thicker..

[ approaches Woman in the salon ]Say it! Say it!

Woman: Salon?

Spokesman: Sa-lon! Louder! Want it! Mean it!

Woman: Sa-lon! Sa-lon!

Spokesman: Yes! Feel it, you msut believe in the power of Sa-lon!

Woman: Yes! I feel it!

Spokesman: Here’s how Sa-lon works!

[ over animated demonstration ]

As you say “Sa-lon!”, impulses travel from your voicebox to your nerve endings, and into the hair follicle itself. The follicle is stimulated only when the accent is on the first syllable. Saying it incorrectly may seriously damage your hair.

[ in the middle of the crowd at the salon ]

Everyone!

Crowd Sa-lon!!

Spokesman: New Sa-lon! And remember: if you don’t look good, don’t blame us. That’s just your hair.

SNL Transcripts