Category: 1991

Oliver Stone


Oliver Stone

Oliver Stone…..Phil Hartman
Elliot Rifkin…..Kevin Nealon


[ open on interior, Offices of Oliver Stone, Los Angeles ]

Voice on Intercom: Mr. Stone? Elliot Rifkin, from Warner Brothers, is here to see you?

Oliver Stone: Thanks, Terry. Send him in. [ rises from his desk and cautiously closes the blinds ]

Elliot Rifkin: [ enters ] Oliver. [ shakes hands ]

Oliver Stone: Thanks for coming.

Elliot Rifkin: You sounded pretty worked up on the phone. What’s up?

Oliver Stone: [ checks to make sure no one’s in the hall, then turns on the TV ] The room may be bugged. Have a seat. [ Elliot sits ] Elliot.. have you been following the news lately?

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.

Oliver Stone: You heard about what happened to the President in Japan?

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah, that was awful! Poor guy.. so embarrassing.

Oliver Stone: Embarrassing? It was a national tragedy.

Elliot Rifkin: Well?

Oliver Stone: I want to show you something. [ plays a tape of President Bush falling underneath the table ]

Elliot Rifkin: Right. I saw this on the news. It was pretty bad.

Oliver Stone: That, of course, is the official version, the version they wanted us to see! Now.. take a look at this, the unedited footage.

[ footage shows Bush seated normally at the table, then his face starts to shake and he begins to spew vomit ]

Elliot Rifkin: [ turning his head ] I can’t watch this,sir..

Oliver Stone: You know, Elliot.. why do you think the American people weren’t allowed to see this?

Elliot Rifkin: Well.. do you think they’d really want to see it? It is disgusting.

Oliver Stone: You buy that?

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah.

Oliver Stone: Elliot, three days ago, my office asked for permission to examine that tablecloth. You know what they were told? The tablecloth had been sent to the cleaners.

Elliot Rifkin: Yeah?

Oliver Stone: Doesn’t that strike you as more than a little odd?

Elliot Rifkin: Well, it was covered with puke.

Oliver Stone: Exactly! It seems to me, if the President vomits on a tablecloth, I’m gonna hang on to that tablecloth, I’m not gonna send it to the cleaners.

Elliot Rifkin: Uh, Oliver.. whart exactly..

Oliver Stone: Elliot, the point is this – the vomit is gone. The vomit is gone! No record of what he ate, or how much he ate, or how much he vomited.. All we have is this tape. Now, watch.. [ plays tape in forward and reverse, repeatedly ] Up.. back.. up.. back.. up.. and back..

Elliot Rifkin: Can I have a glass of water..?

Oliver Stone: Just a minute. Now, based on the stills of frame 235, we’ve prepared this.. [ unwraps an oversized replica of plastic vomit ] Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Elliot Rifkin: I don’t know..

Oliver Stone: An awful lot of vomit for one person, don’t you think?

Elliot Rifkin: Look, Oliver, I have another meeting.. how can I help you?

Oliver Stone: I just want you to ask yourself three questions: Who was there? Who stood to gain by making the President throw up? And who had the means to pull it off?

Elliot Rifkin: Um.. Japanese?

Oliver Stone: In their own banquet hall? No. Think. Who.. stood.. to gain?

Elliot Rifkin: [ playing along ] Lee Iacocca?

Oliver Stone: Bingo! The man wins a cigar.

Elliot Rifkin: Oliver, look.. the last three years, you have really been going non-stop. I mean.. “Talk Radio”, “The Doors”, “JFK”.. Maybe this is your time to just kick back and relax a little.. God knows you earned it!

Oliver Stone: You don’t get it, do you? You just don’t get it! [ phone rings ] Yes? Oh.. my.. God.. [ hangs up ] They’ve done it again.

Elliot Rifkin: What?

Oliver Stone: The President has wet his pants. I’ve got a plane to catch! [ exits ]

Elliot Rifkin: [ alone ] Wow.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night.

SNL Transcripts

Chevy Chase: 01/18/92


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
January 18th, 1992

Chevy Chase

Robbie Robertson

Bruce Hornsby

George Wendt

Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby, “The Weight”

  • Wayne’s World

    Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

  • Chevy Chase’s Monologue

  • Love Toilet

    (Repeat) See: 11/23/91.

  • Adopt A Pet

  • Bush Campaign Stop

    Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

  • Jeffrey Dahmer

  • Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby performs “Go Back to Your Woods”

  • Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

  • Bob Swerski’s Quiz Masters

    Recurring Characters: Bill Swerski, Carl Wollarksi, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

  • Van Morrison Concert

  • Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby performs “The Weight”

  • Comforting Tim

  • Kaufman’s Big And Tall, And Short And Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store

    SNL Transcripts

    • Massive Headwound Harry


    Massive Headwound Harry

    Wife…..Linda Hamilton
    Husband…..Kevin Nealon
    Massive Headwound Harry….Dana Carvey
    Partygoer #1…..Chris Farley
    Partygoer #2…..Phil Hartman
    Partygoer #3…..Siobhan Fallon


    Wife: Oh, honey, this is a great party!

    Husband: So far.. but I’ve got some.. bad news..

    Wife: [ worried ] What do you mean?

    Husband: [ sighs ] Well.. I had to invite somebody, and, uh.. I don’t think you’re gonna be very happy about it..

    Wife: Oh, no.. Who?

    Husband: Massive Headwound Harry.

    Announcer: Welcome once again to “Massive Headwound Harry”. Tonight’s episode: “The Cocktail Party”.

    [ doorbell rings – it’s Harry ]

    Massive Headwound Harry: [ enters party, revealing a vicious, bloody gash on the side of his head ] Hey, great party! I’m sorry I’m late, I forgot where you lived!

    Partygoer: [ turns and notices Harry’s headwound ] Oh, my Goddd!! [ spits his food out in horror ]

    Wife: That’s okay, Harry..

    Massive Headwound Harry: I feel dizzy.

    Wife: Uh.. would you like to lay down? Maybe in the garage?

    Massive Headwound Harry: No.. I just need some food to get my strength back.. I lost a lot of blood on the way over here. [ walks over to the hors-douvres table ]

    Partygoer #2: [ not looking at Harry as he grabs shrimp ] Well, you’ve gotta try some of these shrimp, friend, they.. [ turns and notices Harry’s headwound, dropping his shrimp to the floor and screaming ] Good Lord!

    Massive Headwound Harry: Oh, I’m sorry, let me help you with that.. [ bends down, dropping his head into the bowl of shrimp, sending Partygoer #2 running to the bathroom ] I’d better go see if he’s alright..

    Wife: No, no, no! You stay here!

    Massive Headwound Harry: Oh. No, yeah, I’m fine.. I’ve just gotta rest for a second.. [ sits on the couch ] You know, maybe I need to lie down.. [ curls up on the coach, rubbing his headwound across the arm of the couch, as all the guests scream in disgust ]

    Wife: Why did you have to invite him?!

    Husband: Sorry! He overheard me talking to Phil and Steve – what was I gonna do?!

    [ the guests scream louder as the couple’s dog starts to lick and chew on Harry’s headwound ]

    Massive Headwound Harry: Whoa, boy! Whoa! Easy, boy! Easy! [ the dog chews off a piece of the headwound ] He probably smells my dog!

    [ disgusted, the roomful of guests quickly exit the apartment ]

    Partygoer #3: [ with punch spilled across her blouse ] We really have to go! Ugh! Thanks for having us!

    Wife: Yeah.. we understand..

    Massive Headwound Harry: [ stands up ] I guess the party’s over, thanks for having me! [ grabs a hat from the hat rack and places it over his head ]

    Husband: No, no! That’s not your hat!

    Massive Headwound Harry: Oh. I’m sorry. [ removes the hat from his head ]

    Husband: No, that’s alright. You keep it.

    Massive Headwound Harry: Thanks!

    Announcer: This has been “Massive Headwound Harry”. Next week’s episode: “Borrowing the Headphones”.

    SNL Transcripts

    Schiller Visions: Hidden Camera Commercials


    Schiller Visions: Hidden Camera Commercials

    Knorben Knussen…..Tom Schiller
    Switch Victim…..Chris Farley


    SCHILLER VISIONS… WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER

    Announcer: From Sweden: Schiller Visions. Tonight: “Hidden Camera Commercials, What are they hiding?”

    [ show hidden camera video set in a restaurant at night – Man drinking what he thinks is caffeinated coffee ]

    Offscreen Voice: Are you aware, Sir, that you are drinking Colombian decaffeinated coffee crystals?

    Man: [ surprised ] Am I? Why, it’s delicious! It tastes like rich-bodied, regular coffee!

    [ cut to Knorben Knussen ]

    Knorben Knussen: It took 264 hidden camera customers before that reaction was obtained. I am Knorben Knussen, for Swedish Televison One, and tonight we are going to examine the American craze of hidden camera commercials. Particularly, what doesn’t make it to your home television set.

    [ cut to the never-before-seen outtake, featuring the Switch Victim drinking what he assumes is caffeinated coffee ]

    Watch this unused camera take.

    Offscreen Voice: Sir, do you realize that you are not drinking regular coffee, but Colombian decaffeinated coffee crystals?

    Switch Victim: [ confused ] Wha-at?

    Offscreen Voice: I said, you are drinking Colombian decaf coffee crystals!

    Switch Victim: [ the smile silently disappears from his face, as anger sets in ] Why.. you.. sonofabitch! You no-good.. damn.. sonofaBITCH!! [ throws his table to the floor, then seizes the waiter by the collar ] You LIED to me!! You told me this was REGULAR COFFEE!! [ punches the waiter in the face, as his wife tries to restrain him ] Shut your YAPPER!!

    [ a Cook smashes a bottle over the Switch Victim’s head, but this doesn’t stop him. Instead, he begins to throw pies across the room, as the Cook smashes more bottles over his head. ]

    I’ll GET YOU!! I’ll KILL someone!! I’ll KILL someone!!

    [ he starts to throw plates and silverware to the floor, as the Cook sneaks up behind him and repeatedly bangs a pot over the Switch Victim’s head until he is finally subdued, his wife sobbing uncontrollably as the scene fades. ]

    Knorben Knussen: Now, live from Shreveport, Louisiana, via international satellite hookup, the victim of that hidden camera commercial, Michael Huff.

    [ Huff is shown on the adjacent screen with bandages wrapped around his head ]

    Mr. Huff, how do feel about your experience on hidden camera?

    Switch Victim: An-gryyy..

    Knorben KnussenThank you. And thank you from Swedish Television. Good night!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Linda Hamilton: 11/16/91: The Tooncinator



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 17: Episode 6


    91f: Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey

    The Tooncinator

    Linda Hamilton…..Sarah Connor
    Ed Furlong…..John Connor
    Terminator…..Phil Hartman

    COUNTRY ROAD—EXT.—DAY

    SARAH CONNOR’S CAR

    Sarah Connor is driving her car, trying to escape the Terminator. Her son John is in the back seat, riding with her.

    Sarah Connor: Don’t you ever do that again!

    John Connor: But why, Mom?

    Sarah Connor: Because you are too important, John Connor!

    John Connor: But I had to get you out of there! That man — he was going to sell you a whole series ofTime-Life Books!

    Sarah Connor: I wasn’t going to buy all of them! Just the introductory one, on Supernatural Phenomena.

    John Connor: But that’s how they hook you!

    The Terminator suddenly appears behind the car, runs alongside of it, and gets in the front passenger seat.

    John Connor: Hey, it’s the Terminator!

    Sarah Connor: (anxious) Not you again! I crushed you, then I melted you! What do I have to do, Cuisinart you?

    The Terminator analyzes her remark internally, and concludes: “BAD JOKE”.

    Terminator: I have come to protect you. You and your son are in great danger!

    John Connor: Did they send another Terminator to get us?

    Terminator: Worse than a Terminator. It’s the Tooncinator!

    DARK STAGE—INT.—NIGHT

    Toonces the Driving Cat is on the stage, dressed as the Terminator, with the trademark black leather coat and sunglasses.

    OPENING CREDITS: “THE TOONCINATOR”

    SARAH’S CAR

    Sarah Connor: So let me get this straight. They sent a cat who can drive a car back through time, to kill us?

    Terminator: A robot cat. And he can drive. Just not very well.

    Suddenly the Tooncinator, in his own car, runs into the back of Sarah’s car.

    John Connor: Look! Mom, it’s the Tooncinator!

    The Terminator picks up a hand-held cannon.

    Terminator: (to Sarah) You, drive. (to John) You, get down!

    The Terminator fires, blowing out the back window. The bullets simply bounce off the Tooncinator.

    John Connor: He’s still after us!

    The Tooncinator and his car suddenly seem to vanish.

    Sarah Connor: Wait, where did he go?

    The Tooncinator accidentally drives off a cliff and crashes.

    Terminator: I told you. He’s not a good driver.

    Sarah Connor: Oh, thank God, he’s gone.

    Terminator: He’ll be back.

    The Tooncinator and his car suddenly reappear behind Sarah’s car.

    John Connor: There he is!

    Terminator: (to John) Get down!

    The Terminator again fires his cannon. All he manages to do is blow out one of the Tooncinator’s eyes, which quickly repairs itself.

    Sarah Connor: (watching her rearview mirror) He’s going over a cliff again.

    The Tooncinator again drives over a cliff and crashes.

    Sarah Connor: (relieved)It’s over. It’s over. (looking in her rearview mirror) Oh, no! I don’t believe it!

    The Tooncinator is back behind them, wearing only his steel skeleton.

    John Connor: Now what are we going to do?

    Terminator: (suddenly fearful) I don’t know. I’m scared!

    Sarah Connor: I’ve got an idea.

    Sarah starts to slow down the car.

    John Connor: Mom, we’re slowing down!

    Terminator: That cat will kill us! It’s not human!

    Sarah Connor: Not if my hunch is right.

    Sarah stops the car. The Tooncinator, apparently friendly, gets in and takes the wheel.

    Sarah Connor: See, he wasn’t trying to kill us after all. He was just trying to catch up to us, to be our kitty.

    John Connor: (delighted) Can we keep him, Mom? Please?

    Sarah Connor: Well, I don’t see why not.

    Terminator: I just wonder if we should let him drive.

    Sarah Connor: Well, of course. He’s a very advanced cyborg, with a series of sophisticated—Tooncinator, watch out!

    Everyone: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

    The Tooncinator takes everyone over the cliff with him.

    Jingle: “Toonces, The Driving Cat.”

    Submitted by: Victor Magana

    SNL Transcripts

    Macaulay Culkin: 11/23/91


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:
    November 23rd, 1991

    Macaulay Culkin

    Tin Machine

    Edward Furlong

    Martin Scorsese

  • Studio Alone

  • Macaulay Culkin’s Monologue

  • The Love Toilet

  • Bob Swerski’s Super Fans

    Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

  • Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

    A Mafioso’s embarrassing first date.

  • The Richmeister

    Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.

  • Tin Machine performs “Baby Universal”

  • Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

  • Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

    Recurring Characters: Cirroc.

  • Simon

    Recurring Characters: Simon.

  • Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

    Watching an old lady slip on the sidewalk.

  • Young Superboy

    Recurring Characters: Superman.

  • Tin Machine performs “If There Is Something”

  • Daily Affirmation

    Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

  • U.S. Fon

  • Scalder & Son

  • Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

    What to do if your parachute won’t open.

    SNL Transcripts

    • Studio Alone


    Studio Alone

    …..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Macauley Culkin


    [ open on the cast eating pizza in the conference room ]

    Victoria Jackson: Mmm.. this pizza is good.

    Dana Carvey: Lorne, the pizza boy needs, uh.. $122.50, plus tips.

    Lorne Michaels: For pizza?

    Dana Carvey: Lorne, we’ve got 17 people in the cast.

    Lorne Michaels: I know. But for pizza?

    Macauley Culkin: [ walking forward ] Did anybody order me a plain cheese?

    Chris Farley: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, someone’s gonna have to barf it up, ’cause it’s all gone!

    [ David Spade strolls past and begins to grab an armful of Pepsi cans ]

    Lorne Michaels: Spade! Go easy on those Pepsis.

    Chris Farley: [ sticking his finger in his throat in front of Macauley ] Macauley, Macauley! Get a plate! Get a plate!

    [ angry, Macauley opens a can of soda, splashing the liquid in Farley’s face. He then pushes Farley into Phil Hartman, causing Farley to stumble onto the table and send it collapsing to the floor. ]

    Lorne Michaels: What is the matter with you?!

    Macauley Culkin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose!

    Phil Hartman: [ showing the Pepsi stains on his shirt ] Look what you did, you little jerk!

    Lorne Michaels: Macauley, get to your dressing room, right now!

    Macauley Culkin: Why?

    David Spade: Macauley, you’re such a disease!

    Macauley Culkin: Shut up!

    David Spade: You!

    Lorne Michaels: [ grabs Macauley’s shoulders ] To your dressing room – let’s go!

    Macauley Culkin: Why am I getting treated like scum?

    Lorne Michaels: You’re a host. [ pushes Macauley into his dressing room ] Now, I want you to stay in your dressing room until the show starts.

    Macauley Culkin: I’m sorry.

    Lorne Michaels: Too late.

    Macauley Culkin: Everyone in the show hates me!

    David Spade: Then maybe you should aks your agent to book you on a different show.

    Macauley Culkin: I don’t want to host a different show! I want to do the show alone!

    Lorne Michaels: I hope you don’t mean that.

    Macauley Culkin: I do!

    Lorne Michaels: Then say it again, maybe it’ll happen.

    Macauley Culkin: I wish you’d all just disappear! I want to do the show alone!

    Lorne Michaels: Well, I think you’d feel pretty sad if it was time for your monologue, and no one else was around. Think about it. [ exits ]

    Macauley Culkin: [ angry, sits in front of his dressing room mirror ] I’ll show them. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    SNL Transcripts

    Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer


    Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

    Judge…..Siobhan Fallon
    Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
    Jury Foreman…..Dana Carvey


    Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a cavemanwas out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse.In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then wentto law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

    Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
    but now he’s a lawyer.
    Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

    Announcer: Brought to you by.. Gas Plus – actually gives you gas, forthose times when you feel like being the joker; and by National Escort Services -if we don’t get a prostitute to your door in 15 minutes, you don’t pay; andby Happy Fun Ball – still legal in 16 states – it’s legal, it’s fun, it’sHappy Fun Ball! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

    [ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

    Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

    Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen ofthe jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed outby some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimesthe honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and runoff into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my faxmachine, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know!My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing Ido know – when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk infront of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than twomillion in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages.Thank you.

    Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

    Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. we don’t need to retire.Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We give himthe full amount.

    [ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

    Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc?

    Cirroc: [ cell phone to his ear ] Hang on a second.. [ to the judge ]I-I’m sorry, your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming outof this strange modern invention! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

    Announcer: This has been “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”. Join us nextweek for another episode. Here’s a scene.

    [ cut to Cirroc and his caveman family standing before a podium at apolitical rally ]

    Cirroc: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! First of all,let me say how happy I am to be your nominee for the United States Senate![ applause ] You know.. thank you.. I don’t really understand yourCongress, or your system of checks and balances.. because, asI said during the campaign – I’m just a caveman! I fell on some ice, andlater got thawed out by scientists. But there is one thing I doknow – we must do everything in our power to lower the Capitol Gains Tax.Thank you!

    Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

    SNL Transcripts

    http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-cable-tv-packages-.html