Category: 1992

Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m gonna do a terrific show today, and I’m gonna help people because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me.

Hello. I’m Stuart smalley. Uh.. before I start the Halloween show, I just want to make amdes for yesterday’s show, in which I said Madonna was shame-based and sick in her own disease. I.. I had no right to take Madonna’s inventory. As we say in Program, when you point a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you.. and.. I guess.. a thumb pointing up at God. Or something. Whatever. I don’t know. I’m sorry. Okay.

Anyway, today is Halloween, and I decided to wear a costume, as a treat to my inner child. It’s a skeleton, because it’s scary, and because it reminds me that I’m a human being. And that’s.. okay. That’s what I am. And, besides, I think it makes me look thinner. Now, I had thought of trying to come up with something a little more creative or original, like dressing up as a feeling. But what does dread look like, you know, other than my mother? Anyway, of course I’m gonna be home tonight when all the little ghosts and goblins knock on my door “Trick-or-treat.” And I decided not to give out any candy, because I don’t want to enable any little sugar addicts, which, believe me, I was. I used to go home with my big bag of candy and eat it all in one night, and get sick and try to puke.. but I couldn’t, and that’s why I weighed nearly 300 pounds. Believe me, binging was not a problem; purging, I ust could not do. So, instead of candy this year, I’ve decided to give out rice cakes. A few kids might be disappointed, but that’s.. okay. It’s their problem.

Anyway, tonight I’ve decided to do something a little different. Take a risk. Tonight, I’m going to tell a scary story. You’re going to be frightened, but that’s.. okay. It’s Halloween. It’s appropriate. Okay. Now, close your eyes. Come on, only you can help you. That’s good. Okay.

It’s a dark, dark night. And this 12-year-old girl is at home babysitting for her little brother and sister, who are asleep upstairs. And she’s really scared, because it’s a big house, and because it’s a dysfunctinoal family, and it’s just a scary place to begin with. When suddenly, the phone rings. She picks up, and the voice on the other end says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] And the girl says, “What?” And the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] So she hangs up the phone, now she’s really scared! So she runs upstairs and checks on the kids, and they’re fine, so she goes back downstairs. But she’s really scared, so she eats soem Sara Lee, or something.

And then, the phone rings again. She picks it up, and the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] Well, now she’s really scared, and she calls up the operator and says, “I’m getting all these weird calls, and it’s scary!” And the operator says, “Hang up, and we’ll stay on the line and see if we can trace it.”

So, the girl hangs up the phone, and right away the phone rings. She picks it up, and the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] And just then, the operator jumps on the line and says, “The call’s coming from inside the house! It’s your father, and he’s been drinking!”

Isn’t that scary? But don’t worry, it’s okay. The operator reported the incident to the Department of Youths and Family Services. They did the intervention, the father is in AA, the girl’s in Al-ateen, and the whole family’s in therapy. Now, isn’t that a great Halloween story. It’s scary, but with a positive ending.

You know what, I think this has been one of my best shows ever! And, you know what? I deserve it. Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 14th, 1992

Michael Keaton

Morrissey

None

Morrissey, “Glamorous Glue”

Bush Calls Contributors

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Michael Keaton’s Monologue

Chameleon XLE

Elevator Trainee

The Gutenberg Awards

Morrissey performs “Glamorous Glue”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Hank Fielding.

Mean-Spirited Office Humor

The New Suzanne

Grandsons

Morrissey performs “Suedehead”

Outweek

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Bush Calls Contributors

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Marybeth…..Julia Sweeney
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George Bush speaking over the telephone and making wild hand gestures ]

President George Bush: Well, well.. so, once again, thanks to you and.. Margaret over there.. for your generous financial contribution, to our campaign. Bar and I certainly appreciate it. Sorry I let you down. No, no – my fault. A couple of things I wished I’d done a little different. Right. Right. Shouldn’t have called them “bozos”! [ chuckles ] I was whipped up! I was whipped up! That was crazy! [ laughs ] No, no, you’re right. Tou’re right. It was BAAAAD! BAAAAD!! BAAAAD!! Alright. Well, uh.. love to, uh — [ consults sheet of paper on his desk ] To Margaret, there. Okay. Bye! [ hangs up the phone, turns to his advisor seated next to him ] Alright, well, uh — who’s next, there?

Marybeth: [ looks among her notes ] Uh — Whitney Henderson; Covington, Kentucky.

President George Bush: Alright. [ takes the note card, dials the phone ] Whit? Whit? G-George Bush. Just called to thank you and, uh — [ glances at the card ] Louise, there, for your, uh, generous financial contribution. Sorry I let you down, there. No, no, you’re right — you know, you break a pledge like that, people just hold it against you. So, uh — [ glances at his notes ] how’s the grandson, little Nathan, there? [ smiles ] You know, I’m gonna be getting in the grandchildren business myself! Yeah, I think it could be — what? Sure. Call-waiting. Sure. Take it. Go ahead, I’ll hold. [ waits patiently for an extended period of time ] W-whit? You-you back? You know, looking back at the election — in a way, I’m kind of relieved. I — what? You gotta take it? No, I understand. Go ahead. Go right — [ holds the phone in front of himself, realizing he’s been hung up on; sighs, returns the cradle ] Bad.

Marybeth: Are you alright, Sir?

President George Bush: Well, how many more of these we got?

Marybeth: Well, about fifteen-hundred contributors to go, Sir.

President George Bush: Whew! Oh boy, that’s, uh — everyone who gave five-hundred or more, right?

Marybeth: Yes, Sir.

President George Bush: Well.. can we make the cutoff right there around five-twenty-five, in there?

Marybeth: That would be a big help, Sir.

President George Bush: Alright. Well, let’s do that, then. Who’s next?

Marybeth: [ dialing the phone ] Charles Blackburn, of Wilmat, Illinois. [ Bush nods ] Oh! Hello, Mr. Charles Blackburn? Mr. Blackburn, I have President George Bush on the line. Hello? [ drops the receiver ] Another hang-up, sir.

President George Bush: [ sighs ] You want to take a break there, Marybeth?

Marybeth: Alright, sir, I’ll just get back to the files. [ stands ] Um — oh, uh, I got that information that you wanted.

President George Bush: Oh, and – and what’s that?

Marybeth: Uh, William Howard Taft. William Howard Taft, the last sitting President to receive less than 40% of the vote.

President George Bush: Right, right, right — well, thank you, Marybeth.

Marybeth: Alright, thank you. You’re very welcome.

President George Bush: Uh, Marybeth? Could you hang on here for a minute? Why don’t you have a seat – love to talk to you. [ she sits ] You know, this whole – this whole electrion defeat thing, there, not all my fault, as you know. Business cycle there — you with me? Doing that downward spiral thing it does. [ motions his hands in a circle ] Doing that down in there — see that ltitle cycle down in there? Like a little tornado, going all over the place, there. That whole negative area! People were hurting. It was bad. It was BAD!! BADDD!!

Marybeth: Yes, Sir. Yes, Sir.

President George Bush: Now, as you remember, Marybeth — that-that February ’91 approval rating – well, right up there, isn’t that a beauty? [ motions his hands high ] Look at that. Look at that rating – right up there, nice and high! November ’92? [ lowers his hands ] Down on that flat zone right down there. I should have recognized the recession earlier. Didn’t think it was prudent at this juncture. Advisors wanted me to do it — I told ’em, “Nah gah do it.” Didn’t do it. I was wrong. I was wrong. And Dan Quayle? Never did quite gain acceptance.

Marybeth: Not fully, Sir.

President George Bush: No. [ waves his hands forward ] Gotta look to the future! Look out there in that future — got that grandchildren business going. See how that goes out there. Not-not a pledge. Didn’t say “Read my lips” or anything — just a pledge to spend time with those grandkids of mine, down in that whole grandkid area where they stay at. Well, the American people have spoken. Time for me to, uh.. step aside. So, to sum up, Marybeth: business cycle, down there like a cyclone; not recognizing recession, big mistake; Dan Quayle, never did quite gain acceptance.

Marybeth: [ stands ] Oh. Uh, Sir, I almost forgot — it’s 11:30, and President-Elect clinton is about to go on CNN.

President George Bush: Well, thank you, Marybeth. [ he picks up a remote and turns the TV on ]

[ show Presidential seal on the TV screen ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – the President-Elect of the United States.

[ dissolve onto Bill Clinton, smiling ]

Bill Clinton: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ audience cheers, as Bush shakes his head glumly and slumps in his chair ]

President George Bush: I — I — I used to say that!

SNL Transcripts

Chameleon XLE

Spokesman…..Phil Hartman
Man…..David Spade

Spokesman V/O: If you’re a luxury car owner, there’s something you should know. Luxury sedans are stolen at the rate of four per minute.

[ show couple walking to curb from restaurant; his car is nowhere to be found ]

Man: My brand new BMW! I just got this car two days ago!

[ Spokesman enters foreground ]

Spokesman: Frightening, isn’t it? Suddenly, the idea of buying a car for the cache of a hood ornament seems outdated. In the 90’s, you don’t need a car to tell the world you’re wealthy; you need a car to tell the world you’re smart.

[ show luxury car under wraps, as a breeze sends the cloth flying to reveal a junky-looking vehicle underneath ]

Spokesman: Introducing the Chameleon XLE for 1993. Finally, a luxury car that doesn’t look like a luxury car.

Inside, the Chameloen XLE has everything you would expect in a luxury sedan of its class. Soft leather seating, a contoured instrument panel, and fine wood. But there’s more – much more.

Authentically distressed fenders give way to a partially padded roof of blistered vinyl. While under the hood, a simulated transmission-fluid drip whispers, “Hey, not worth the trouble.” This is craftsmanship no one will steal. GThis is engineering for the inner-city driving experience.

[ Spokesman places marble at the top of hood, which rolls forward into a hole at the bootm of the hood ]

Spokesman: Every inch of the Chameleon XLE is a pinnacle of urban design.

There’s attention to detail. Like three mismatched wheel covers, and one exposed rim in school-bus yellow. Standard.

A broken taillight repaired with duct tape. Standard.

Retractable antenna. Standard.

The body of a Pontiac with a driver’s-side door from an Oldsmobile Delta ’88. All standard.

A car thief takes one look at this, and keeps right on walking. Of course, it’s equipped with an automatic alarm system – but do you really think you’ll need it?

[ Spokesman turns on alarm, which renders the car even more useless ]

Spokesman: The Chameleon XLE. They might tow it away, but they’ll never steal it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Elevator Trainee

Frank…..Rob Schneider
Mr. Claymore…..Phil Hartman
Eddie…..Michael Keaton
Mrs. Berman…..Julia Sweeney
Mr. Vanemy…..Kevin Nealon
Janeane…..Melanie Hutsell
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Second Man…..David Spade
Woman…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Third Man…..Ian Maxtone-Graham

[ open on exterior, high-rise apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, elevator. Frank the elevator operator stands confidently along the wall, next to his jittery trainee. Mr. Claymore stands in the foreground. ]

Frank: They say it’s gonna stay this cold all week.

Mr. Claymore: Well, we had a nice summer, Frank.

Frank: We sure did, Mr. Claymore! Alright. [ the elevator stops, and the door opens ] Have a nice day!

Mr. Claymore: Okay, Frank! [ exits the elevator ]

Eddie: [ nervously ] Bye.

[ Mrs. Berman steps into the elevator ]

Mrs. Berman: Hi, Frank!

Frank: Hey, Mrs. Berman. [ turns to his trainee ] Okay, Eddie.

Eddie: [ to Mrs. Berman, nervously ] Uh.. what floor?

Mrs. Berman: Twelve.

[ Eddie turns to face the bank of elevator floor buttons ]

Frank: This is Eddie. He’s a trainee. From the night shift.

Mrs. Berman: Hi!

Frank: Okay, Eddie. She said “Twelve,” so push the “12” button — right there! [ taps the “12” button ]

Eddie: Alright. [ gives the “12” button a hard stab with his thumb ]

Frank: Alright. There you go. You don’t have to kill it! [ the door closes ] Alright. That’s some weather, huh, Mrs. Berman?

Mrs. Berman: It sure is cold, Frank.

Frank: Yeah. Winter came a little early, huh? Right, Eddie?

Eddie: [ interrupted from his daze ] Huh? I don’t know, uh.. I haven’t been outside in a while. [ shrugs his shoulders ]

Frank: Eddie is a trainee, Mrs. Berman. I’m sorry.

Mrs. Berman: That’s alright. [ the door opens ] See you later. [ she exits ]

Eddie: Okay. [ he steps out of the elevator as well ]

Frank: She’s getting out here, Eddie. Not you.

Eddie: Oh. [ re-enters the elevator ]

Frank: Okay, we’re gonna go back down, now. [ presses the “Lobby” button ]

Eddie: Alright.

Frank: Alright. You’re doing good. You’re learning. Yuo got time.

Eddie: Thanks.

Frank: Alright. Look — the weather’s a big topic. If you want to be good, you’ve gotta start learning about it.

Eddie: Okay.

Frank: The newspaper is a good tool. There’s a whole section in it about the weather. The elevator man’s best friend.

Eddie: Wow.. I’ll have to get a newspaper.

[ they hit the Lobby, and the door opens ]

Frank: Hey, here comes Mr. Vanemy. Now, remember — it’s cold. So you got, “Hey — I hope you bring a sweater.” And, “Cold enough for you?”

Eddie: [ nods his head ] Okay.

Frank: Alright. Okay, here he comes. 23. [ presses the “23” button as Mr. Vanemy enters ] Hey, Mr. Vanemy! Say hello to Eddie! Trainee.

Mr. Vanemy: Hi, Eddie.

[ the door closes, the elevator begins its ascent. Eddie nervously stares down Mr. Vanemy, struggling to make conversation. ]

Eddie: Cold enough? [ Mr. Vanemy frowns, confused ] For you?

Mr. Vanemy: [ chuckles ] Yeah! First day on the job? [ Eddie nods nervously ] How do you like the new building?

Eddie: [ struggles to get his words out ] Hope you got a sweater!

Mr. Vanemy: [ looks at Eddie, wonders if he’s speaking with a mental defect ] Uh-huh.

[ extended silence, as Eddie nervously smiles and stares at Mr. Venemy, until, finally: ]

Eddie: Okay! Have a nice day, then!

[ the elevator is still ascending. Frank does his best to cover for Eddie’s miscalculation. ]

Frank: So. Okay. Well, almost there. Aaaaand.. here we are! [ the elevator finally stops, as Mr. Vanemy quickly makes his exit ] See you, Mr. Vanemy. [ the door closes, he presses the “Lobby” button then turns to Eddie ] Okay, you see what happened? You said “Have a nice day” way too early!

Eddie: Yeah, yeah, I did, yeah —

Frank: I mean, we have thirteen floors to go, and you’ve already shot your wad. And I had to bail you out. Remember: I won’t always be here.

Eddie: I know.. I know..

Frank: Alright. Also, a couple of fumbles about the weather. You’re not a robot — you can come up with your own stuff.

Eddie: Right. Okay. Okay.

Frank: Here we go. Here we go. [ the elevator stops at the Lobby, and the door opens ] Hey! Hey, Janeane, how you doing?

[ Janeane enters ]

[ Eddie promptly stares at Janeane and smiles ]

Eddie: Cold enough for you, right?

[ Janeane politely smiles at Eddie, confused by his awkward presence ]

Frank: This is Eddie. Trainee.

Janeane: Hi.

[ Eddie continues to stare at her. He tries again: ]

Eddie: It’s cold outside, right?

Janeane: [ smiles awkwardly ] Mmm-hmm. It’s pretty chilly.

Eddie: So it’s, you know, like, 41, 42 degrees, something like that?

Janeane: I think, maybe, it’s colder than that! [ laughs ]

Eddie: I mean, like, can you see your breath?

Janeane: Uh — I-I don’t remember.

Eddie: So, it’s.. probably.. in the thirties..?

Janeane: Yeah.

[ the door finally opens, as she makes her way out of the elevator ]

Frank: See you, Janeane!

Janeane: Bye.

Frank: [ as the door closes, and he presses the “Lobby” button ] Okay, Eddie. Now you’re scaring the people.

Eddie: Uh-huh.

Frank: See, what — see, what happened is: now they think there’s a homeless person on the elevator.

Eddie: Yeah.

Frank: That’s not good. See — these questions are too much. You gotta keep it light, you know? Plus, you keep looking at ’em. Which is also homeless-y.

Eddie: Okay.

Frank: Okay, you don’t look at ’em. You talk to them,and then you look up at the numbers. [ points to the numbers ]

Eddie: Okay.

Frank: Like this. [ looks up at the numbers, then begins snapping his fingers and clapping his hands together ] This is also good. It’s a soothing move — people like it.

[ Eddie does his awkward interpretation of the soothing move ]

Frank: It’s your first day. Don’t worry. Okay. Yuo got a lot of time. [ the door opens ] Alrighty. I’m gonna let you fly solo on this one.

[ Eddie grabs for Frank’s jacket sleeve, but Frank frees himself from Eddie’s grip and exits the elevator ]

Eddie: Okay. [ a black man enters the elevator ] What floor?

Black Man: 14.

Eddie: Okay. [ stares awkwardly at the floor buttons ]

[ a second man enters the elevator ]

Second Man: Hi. 23.

Eddie: [ looks up from the floor buttons, Frank didn’t say anything about multiple passengers ] Huh? What?

Second Man: Hi. 23.

[ a woman also enters the elevator. Eddie looks at her in disbelief, then struggles to catch his breath as he leans against the floor button panel ]

Eddie: Okay — okay — okay, look, uh — I’m not going to be able to talk about the weather today, okay?

[ incredibly, a third man enters the elevator, as Eddie gasps ]

Third Man: 16, please?

[ Frank re-enters the elevator, motions to his passengers, then calmy presses all their respective floor buttons ]

[ the door closes ]

[ dissolve to Lobby shot of elevator, pull back and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Goodnights

…..Michael Keaton

Michael Keaton: Uh — thank you very much! These people were, uh — nice people, and extremely talented! They made me feel very much at home. Also, thank you to Morrissey — the musical group. [ waves ] Thanks a lot!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Michael Keaton’s Monologue

…..Michael Keaton
Male Audience Member…..Tom Davis
Audience McGee…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Michael Keaton!

Michael Keaton: [ taking in all the applause, stretches out his arms and bugs his eyes ] Well, well, well! Thank you, thank you! Thanks! Thank you very much! It’s really a thrill to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live,” and it really feels great. Uh, I’m actually, right now, at a very great time in my life — I’m very happy, and my career is going well, and, uh — you know — I’m sure you know this, but when you do a lot of movies you get away from this kind of thing. I don’t know if any of you know this, but I actually got my start as a stand-up comic, and doing comedy on a show like “Saturday Night Live.” But.. it’s been about ten years since I’ve performed live, like this, and I-I gotta tell you — it feels great to be right here, in front of a LIVE New York City audience. Really! [ audience cheers ] Really! [ glances wearily into the audience ] You know, because I thought I’d be nervous, but you guys have really made me feel very comfortable. Uh — [ suddenly interrupted as he again glances wearily into the audience ]

Voice of Random Audience Member: You’re doing great!!

Michael Keaton: [ smiles ] Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! Anyway, uh — [ glances wearily into the audience again ] Getting to the show tonight was kind of an adventure, and I, uh — [ glances wearily into the audience once more, and throws up his arms ] You know, hold on a minute. If you gyus will wait, there’s a little something bothering me. [ steps into the audience to address a gentleman sitting in the front row ] Uh, I’m sorry. Can I ask you a question? Is smething wrong?

Male Audience Member: [ confused ] Pardon?

Michael Keaton: Well, I mean, you know — it’s just, when I was up there talking about how great it is to perform tonight, I couldn’t help seeing — because you’re in the front row — that you weren’t applauding. You, uh, you-you just didn’t seem into it.

Male Audience Member: No. W-what you said w-was fine. I’m just not a big applauder. [ smiles ]

Michael Keaton: [ shrugs it off ] Oh! Okay. Alright. Okay. [ returns to Home Base ] Okay. So — [ pauses, then runs back to the gentleman in the audience ] See, the thing is, though — you know, when you’re home, you don’t have to applaud. But — well — actually, maybe you’d be a lot more comfortable there. You know what I’m saying? I mean, you’d be amazed at how quickly I can make that happen.

[ the woman seated next to the man laughs at him ]

Male Audience Member: Well.. it’s just that I was up all night standing in line for tickets, so I, uh — [ shrugs his shoulders ] frankly, I’m a little tuckered out!

Michael Keaton: Oh. So you’re a little “tuckered out”? [ folds his arms ] Well, you know — you probably got a nice big bed at home! You know what I mean? Maybe you should just go on home and watch it there! You know what I’m saying? You’d be more comfortable. [ looks offscreen ] Security! Get him outta here! [ two security men enter and drag the man away ] Really. Bring in somebody who’s gonna enjoy himself. See ya’. Take a — take a break, baby. [ returns to Home Base ] Sorry. I know that’s uncomfortable, but I think I had to do that. I think everybody agrees that was the best thing to do.

[ Audience McGee rises from his seat ]

Audience McGee: NO!! He was here to enjoy the SHOW, just like the REST of us!!

Michael Keaton: Yeah, yeah, I know. But the problem is, a guy like that can throw off an entire audience. You know what I mean?

Audience McGee: Listen to yourself, Michael Keaton!! You can throw people out all you WANT!! But the REAL problem is inside of YOU-OU!! Not out here in the audience!!

Michael Keaton: Yeah. But I mean ,the g-guy was asking for it! Just sitting there —

Audience McGee: Michael!! You’ll NEVER be happy, until you leanr to let out the HA-ATE!! And make room for the LO-OVE!!

Michael Keaton: [ thinks about it ] You know something? He’s right. He is. And I’m sorry. He’s right — that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I apologize, I was a jerk. [ a beat ] Bring that guy back in here.

Audience McGee: [ jumps and applauds ] BRAVO!! Bravo, Michael Keaton!! BRAVO!!

[ the first man is returned to his seat in the front row ]

Michael Keaton: When you’re wrong, you’re wrong. So, now — [ points in the direction of Audience McGee ] get this bonehead out of here, so we can get started, alright? BEAT IT, baby!!

[ the two security men now remove Audience McGee from the studio ]

Michael Keaton: Anyway — we’ve got a great show. Morrissey is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The New Suzanne

Suzanne…..Julia Sweeney
Robert…..Michael Keaton
Waiter #1…..Rob Schneider
Waiter #2…..Tim Meadows
Allan…..Phil Hartman

Suzanne: This place is very nice.

Robert: Yeah. Yeah, it is. And the food’s great, too.

Suzanne: Oh.. how do you know Steve, Dan and Rick?

Robert: Well, I work with Steve and Rick, and Dan lives across from me.

Suzanne: Really?

Robert: I’m really glad they set this thing up tonight, because.. well,they said you were a lot of fun.

Suzanne: [ laughing ] Oh, really?

Robert: And you know, we were probably gonna have.. you know.. well, theysaid, you know.. a wild time! So, I took the night off, you know,because they said it would be “worth it”.

Suzanne: Oh, is that what they said? Oh, that’s sweet! I’m surewe’ll have a nice evening.

Robert: [ excited ] Oh, yeah, yeah! I think we’re gonna have a prettyamazing night! In fact, they said that you really like your Jack Daniels, solet’s get this party rolling and get a couple Jacks, huh? [ Waiter #1 walksby ] Uh, waiter?

Waiter #1: Uh.. yes, sir? I’m not your waiter, but I’ll tell himwhat you want.

Robert: Oh. Thanks. A couple of Jack Daniels on the rocks.

Suzanne: I’m sorry. Just a Perrier for me.

[ the waiter makes a mental note, then starts to walk off. Robert grabs thewaiter and pulls him back for a second, so he can discuss the drinks withSuzanne ]

Robert: Huh?

Suzanne: I’m.. I’m not a big drinker anymore. I really can’t holdmy booze too well. I get a little.. anyway, Perrier would be fine. Thanks!

Robert: Okay. [ sends the waiter on his way ] So.. you don’t drinkanymore?

Suzanne: Oh, no! I used to be such a big partier! I used to loveto drink! The problem was, I’d get really, you know.. horny! [ laughs ]

Robert: ] trying to digest this sudden information ] Yeah.. Yeah, wedon’t want that..

Suzanne: Thank God that’s over with! I stopped drinking, and you knowwhat? I’ve never felt better!

Robert: That’s great.. you should really be proud of yourself..

Suzanne: Well, I am! You know what? I think I’m going to go all outand get the Lobster Special!

Robert: [ sensing his dilemma ] Yeah.. it’s a good choice.. good choice..

Suzanne: You know, it’s funny – when I’d go on a first date before,I’d be really insecure, and I’d order, like, the least expensive thingon the menu. Now, I think, “Hey, this guy asked me out! He mustlike me! I’m gonna order the best thing on the menu, because Ideserve it!” [ laughs ]

Robert: [ starting to grow uncomfortable ] Yeah.. that’s a good rule..a very good rule..

Suzanne: Can I tell you something? Um.. this is kind of embarrasing,but.. I used to be so wild that, if I went on a first date, half thetime we wouldn’t even make it to the restaurant. I mean, I’d meet him atthe door in a raincoat, with nothing underneath, and just drag himinto the bedroom! We wouldn’t even spend a dime![ laughs ]

Robert: [ really disappointed, but trying not to show it ] But.. that’sthe old you?

Suzanne: Oh, yeah. I was crazy back then! I would do crazy stuff likethat all the time!

Robert: Now, this all stopped how long ago?

Suzanne: Five weeks ago.

Robert: Interesting. Interesting.

Suzanne: Oh, my gosh, I was a mess! I’d do anything! I remember onceI woke up in bed with three guys! [ thinking ] Actually, it wasyour friends – Rick, Dan and Steve! Wow! I just remembered that! Isn’tthat funny?

Robert: [ tries to laugh, but can’t ]

[ Waiter #2 brings their drinks to the table ]

Waiter #2: Alright.. a Jack Daniels on the rocks, and a Perrier forthe lady.. [ recognizes her ] Suzanne?!

Suzanne: Oh, my gosh! Kenny?! [ laughs and gets up to hug him ]

Waiter #2: It’s so good to see you!

Suzanne: Yeah!

Waiter #2: Look, I gotta take these orders, I’ll come back and getyours. Okay?

Suzanne: Okay!

[ Waiter #2 steps aside ]

Robert: [ greatly distressed ] Yuo know him, Suzanne?

Suzanne: Oh. Well, the old Suzanne dated him once!

Robert: Oh. What’s the old Suzanne doing now?

Suzanne: Oh, you wouldn’t want to meet her! She was crazy! I’mglad I’m telling you this, because I wouldn’t want you to worry I’m like thatanymore. I mean, that is so over, I promise you. Please don’t thinkill of me.

Robert: No, no! I don’t actually, I don’t at all. Actually, I thinkyou’re being a little too hard on yourself. You know, sometimes when youhave a bad habit like that.. or smoking, or something.. you don’twant to quit cold turkey. You know? And this isn’t me just talking,either.. it’s medical journals, it’s things I’ve read.. They say it’s just alot smarter if you just taper off. You ever read that?

Suzanne: No. This is better, believe me. I mean, a kiss on the cheekis so much more romantic to me than a night of wild sex!

Robert: [ he wishes ] Yeah.. yeah.. Yeah, I guess, in a way..

Suzanne: I mean, really.. Could you go out with a girl who, twomonths ago was dating a guy and decided to give him a little surprise becauseit was our one-month anniversary, so she crawled under the table and gavehim the best time he ever had? In a ppublic place! I mean,would you really want to date someone like that?

Robert: [ lustful, confused ] No?

Suzanne: That’s right! You wouldn’t! You know what? It was thisrestaurant, and I even thin it was this table! [ laughs ] Oh, gosh![ sees her date looking pale ] Are you okay?

Robert: Uh.. yeah.. To tell you the truth, I’m not okay. I’m justnot feeling very well..

Suzanne: Oh, well, you want to take a raincheck on this? I mean,that’s okay with me.

Robert: You sure you don’t mind? Because, maybe we should..[ looks offscreen ] Waiter, could we get our check? [ looks at Suzanne ]Let’s go, huh?

Suzanne: Alright.

[ the both get up ]

Robert: [ looks offscreen, panics ] Oh, my God..

Allan: [ offscreen ] Robert?

Robert: It’s my Dad and his new wife.

Allan: [ walks up to the table ] Robert! Son! What are you doinghere? I thought that maybe.. [ notices Suzanne ] Suzanne?!

Suzanne: Allan?! [ laughs and rushes to hug him ]

Allan: [ glancing at table ] Hey! Our table!

[ Robert reaches the height of his discomfort as the scene ends ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 3rd, 1992

Tim Robbins

Sinead O’Connor

Susan Sarandon

Sinead O’Connor, “Success Has Made A Failure Of Our Home”

A Message From Ross Perot

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.

Tim Robbins’ Monologue

Caracci’s Pizza

Founding Fathers

Deep Thoughts

Brain damaged scientist.

Cooking with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

That’s Not Yogurt

Sunday Morning Videos

Sinead O’Connor performs “Success Has Made A Failure Of Our Home”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Bob Roberts

Larry King Live

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Tori

Sinead O’Connor performs “War”

Sweet Jimmy, the World’s Nicest Pimp

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

SNL Transcripts

Caracci’s Pizza

Caracci Cashier…..Kevin Nealon
Caracci Chef…..Rob Smigel
Caracci Cook…..Tim Robbins
Caracci Sauce Boy…..Adam Sandler
Caracci Sweeper…..Rob Schneider

Caracci Cashier: People in this town argue about a lot of things.But there’s no argument about the best pizza – Caracci’s. At Caracci’s Pizza,we never drop a pizza on the dirty floor, pick it back up and serve it to youlike it never happened. Bu-u-ut, by some chance, let’s say you didcatch one of us dropping a pizza on the dirty floor and selling it to you..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cook: [ taking pizza out of the oven ] That’s right! Half-pricefor Caracci’s hot, delicious pizza! You know, at Caracci’s, we pride ourselveson never spitting on a pizza, just because we’re a little mad at the customer,or something? No spit at all! But let’s say, for some strange reason,you caught one of our workers spitting on your pizza, even just a little..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Sauce Boy: Caracci’s Pizza has rich tomato sauce and chewycheese and so many toppings to choose from. You know, I can honestly say, atCaracci’s Pizza, you’re never gonna find a big footprint on any of the pizzaswe serve. None of our workers ever step on your pizza. Bu-u-ut, let’sjust say if by accident one of the guy’s who cleans the kitchen steps on yourpizza with his-a big black boot, and you notice a footprint..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Sweeper: Half-off! Not bad for such good-tasting pizza! Youknow, at Caracci’s Pizza, we’ve got absolutely no rats or squirrels in thekitchen running around, jumping on the pizza and going to the bathroom allover them. Not in Caracci’s kitchen! But, let’s just say, on aparticular day, you do happen to see a big rat running around the kitchen,and none of us can catch him because he’s so quick and slippery, and he doesgo a little bathroom on your pizza..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cashier: And for this month only, if you find some fingernails,hair, band-aids, or any pieces of metal on your pizza..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cashier: Caracci’s Pizza. No droppings.

Caracci Cook: No spitting.

Caracci Sauce Boy: No footprints.

Caracci Sweeper: No squirrel crap.

Caracci Cashier: And no African-American delivery boys, or..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Full Staff: [ putting their hands on one of the pizzas ] That’s theCaracci’s Promise!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts