Delivery Boy: Package for Mrs. Collier. [ hands her package ]
Mrs. Collier: [ reading box ] “Happy Birthday, from Larry.” Mybirthday was three weeks ago. Well, that’s my brother.
Delivery Boy: Ma’am, I think you might want to check the shippingdate on that.
Mrs. Collier: [ checks ] October 3rd? He did mail it on time!
Delivery Boy: That’s right. It’s not your brother’s fault, ma’am. It’s ours.
Mrs. Collier: [ appalled ] That is unacceptable! He went through alot of trouble, and you guys just sat on the package for a month!
Delivery Boy: You’re absolutely right, Ma’am. It isunacceptable. [ hangs his head in faux shame ]
Mrs. Collier: [ sighs disgustedly, slams the door ]
[ Delivery Boy faces the camera ]
Delivery Boy: At Jiffy Express, we know how important it is to beon time. And we also know that sometimes you just can’t make it. That’swhen you call Jiffy. We’ll take the package – and the blame.
[ cut to a secretary handing the Delivery Boy a package ]
Secretary: This was due in Cleveland last month. I could be fired.Can you help me?
Delivery Boy: No problem, Ma’am. You can count on us. [ grabs thepackage and walks off to begin his mission ]
Voiceover: When it has to be there overnight, call the other guys.When it had to be there three weeks ago, call Jiffy. First, we’ll backdatethe receipt. Then our technicians will age the package, according to yourspecifications. We can stain it, soil it, recreate delivery mishap andtrauma.. even simulate international misrouting.
[ cut to Delivery Boy explaining the tardiness to an Upset Recipient ]
Delivery Boy: And after it got to Hong Kong, well.. we just lost trackof it. Luckily, it turned up in our warehouse.
Upset Recipient: [ grabbing package ] You guys are pathetic!People get fired over this kind of thing! [ slams his door ]
Delivery Boy: [ to the camera ] I know.
Voiceover: Jiffy Express. When you’ve got no one else to blame -call us.
Christopher Walken: Thank you. Thank you, good to see you. I’m excitedto host the show. You know, these are difficult times for a lot of people.And with the election coming up, there’s a lot of uncertainty. Sixty yearsago, Irving Berlin had some thoughts on the subject..
[ singing ] “There may be trouble ahead, But while there’s moonlight and music, And love and romance, Let’s face the music and dance.
Before the peddlers have fled Before they ask us to pay the bill, And while we still have a chance, Let’s face the music and dance.
Soon, we’ll be without the moon, Humming a different tune and then, There may be teardrops to shed, But while there’s moonlight, and music, And love and romance, Let’s face the music and dance, dance! Let’s face the music and dance!”
[ Christopher dances with Ellen Cleghorne, then Melanie Hutsell, then anaudience member ]
Christopher: Jan! Will you dance with me?
Jan: No Chris, I have to get ready, my hair’s a.. okay.
[ Christopher and Jan dance ]
Lorne Michaels: Jan, what are you doing?
Jan Hooks: Nothing. [ scurries off ]
Christopher Walken: Jan! Come back!
Lorne Michaels: Chris, I can’t allow this.
Christopher: Why not, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Because, Chris, these people are not professionaldancers; someone could get hurt.
Christopher: Would you dance with me?
Lorne Michaels: No, no, no..
[ Christopher grabs Lorne and dances through the halls with him ]
Christopher and Lorne: [ singing ] “Soon, we’ll be without the moon, Humming a different tune and then..”
Melanie, Julia, Ellen and Jan: [ singing ] “There may be teardrops to shed, So while there’s moonlight, and music, And love and romance, Let’s face the music and dance, dance!”
[ Christopher returns to stage and finishes the song with them ]
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey James Stockdale…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Ross Perot driving a car along a country road, with Admiral James Stockdale as his passenger ]
Ross Perot: Beautiful day, isn’t it, Admiral Stockdale? Yeah, I just adore driving! I just adore it!
James Stockdale: WHERE ARE WE GOING?!!
Ross Perot: Ah, that don’t matter! We’re just going for a ride, we’re just eating up the highway! See, we’ve been working real hard. This here’s like a joyride, so I say en-joy!
James Stockdale: YOU’RE THE BOSS!!
Ross Perot: That’s right! Now, you wanna hear some music? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, today you’re gonna get all the music you want! [ he flips through channels only to be greeted with static ] Aw, I don’t believe it! You see? Is that how the game is played, Admiral? They can’t put a tranmitter out here so good, honest, decent American people can hear some nice country music. And I just think that’s sad!
James Stockdale: GOVERNMENT’S IN..! IN GRIDLOCK!
Ross Perot: Well, there you go! Now, that was vintage! That was one of the finest moments in any debate I’ve ever seen. I mean, talk about Pin the Tail on the Donkey — that’s just what you did! You were A-1 in that debate! You had an H-Bomb, them other fellers had a slingshot!
James Stockdale: PING-PONG MATCH! IT… was… a.
Ross Perot: Well — yes, sir! You won it, hands down! I tell ya, those press people? They’re just loony! They say you’re a drag on the ticket? They must have been watching a different show! When you were quiet there for an hour, that was WORLD CLASS! Showed you ain’t just talk! You know, a quiet man, a lot going on upstairs. Them others just went shooting their mouthes off!
James Stockdale: WHO AM I?! WHY AM I HERE?!
Ross Perot: Well, you’re the Admiral! You’re taking a joyride! [ he cackles with glee ] Oh, I get it! You’re quoting yourself, right? “Who am I?” Now, that lnie there, that was precious! Adn you know, Admiral, when you were wandering around there — remember that? When it looked like you were gonna go over to Gore’s podium? Well, that was — Margo and I, we just loved that! It showed you were restless, had places to go, people to see!
James Stockdale: I’M OUT OF AMMO!!
Ross Perot: [ cackling ] Perfect! Perfect! And the part where you were stopping and stuttering — GRAND SLAM, I’ll tell you! Shows you weren’t rehearsed, like those other two. A president needs to be spontaneous, and the American people know it.
James Stockdale: GRIDLOCK!!
Ross Perot: That’s right. And the way your mind drifted — showed your open to new ideas. And, Admiral, when you took your glasses on and off nervously, and when you forgot your hearing aid was off, like you didn’t know where you were — well, that was just stunning! And I adored it, and so did Margo and all my kids.
James Stockdale: I’M HUNGRY!
Ross Perot: Admiral, we ate at Denny’s a half-hour ago. You had a double cheeseburger. Your belly’s full. I rest my case.
James Stockdale: [ suspicious ] Where are we…?
Ross Perot: Ain’t this pretty country, Admiral? Aren’t you having fun? We’re miles from anywhere, see? Now, now take a look over there — [ he points ] There’s a ten-point buck deer. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s a symbol of American strength — right over there, Admiral!
James Stockdale: [ looking ] WHERE!!
Ross Perot: Right, right over there. Look, I’ll pull up so you can get a better look. [ he stops the car ] Now, do you see it now? Do you see it?
James Stockdale: NO!!
Ross Perot: Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ve seen it — Why don’t you get out and take a better look? You deserve it. I’m trying to think of you. Go on, Admiral.
[ Stockdale exits the car ]
Ross Perot: That’s right. Go on out there. Now, take a few steps. It’s worth it! Now, go on. That’s right.
James Stockdale: I DON’T SEE IT!!
Ross Perot: Take a few more steps, and, and, and just go on! Go on!
[ satisfied, Perot kicks the car into gear and drives off like a bat out of Hell ]
Ross Perot: I’m doing this for the young people, that’s right!
[ Perot’s car phone rings ]
Ross Perot: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it’s a done deal! Yeah, I fixed it. No, no, he went quietly. Now, tell the Press we have no idea where he is, and make sure all this is ready for Larry King Wednesday night. By then, I think we can definitely take care of — [ he looks in his mirror ] Oh, bull shoot! I don’t believe it! I’ll get back to ya’.
[ reveal Stockdale frantically running alongside the car ]
James Stockdale: WHAT HAPPENED?!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!!
Ross Perot: Is that you, Admiral? I-I-I-I’ll tell ya, these brakes are tricky in these American cars! And that’s just sad! Let me try again here!
[ Perot slams the brakes ]
Ross Perot: Lesson for today? Never try to ditch a war hero. Tenacious with a Capital T.
[ Stockdale re-enters the car ]
James Stockdale: I’m hungry!
Ross Perot: Alright. Well, where do you want to go, Admiral? There’s an Astro Burger at the next exit. Waht do you say?
James Stockdale: “Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
Ed Glosser…..Christopher Walken Female Employee…..Julia Sweeney Male Employee #1…..Phil Hartman New Employee…..Rob Schneider Male Employee #2…..Adam Sandler Delivery Boy…..Chris Rock
[ Female Employee drops her styrofoam cup while pouring some spring water.Ed Glosser picks it up for her, then accidentally grabs her hand, fallinginto a trance ]
Female Employee: Are you alright?
Ed Glosser: [ pause ] You have a daughter..
Female Employee: Yes?
Ed Glosser: She’s at home with the housekeeper..
Female Employee: Yes?
Ed Glosser: The housekeeper just waxed the kitchen floor..
Female Employee: Yes?
Ed Glosser: Your daughter’s running.. on the wet kitchen floor..
Female Employee: [ panicking ] And?
Ed Glosser: She’s leaving footprints..
Female Employee: Yeah?
Ed Glosser: The housekeeper’s annoyed.. she has to do that part of thefloor over again..
Female Employee: Really?
Ed Glosser: It’s not too late! You can call her.. and save her!
Female Employee: Um.. I have some work to do, but I’ll call her later.Okay? Say, how did you get these powers, anyway?
Ed Glosser: [ looks into the camera ] I.. don’t.. know..
Announcer: Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic. During a brief power outage,Ed Glosser’s tanning booth experiences a slight malfunction. Forfeiting adarker base, he instead gains the mildly impressive ability to foretellinsignificant events of the immediate future. This is his story..
Male Employee #1: Ed, I want you to meet Bob. He just joined usover in Accounting.
New Employee: Nice to meet you! [ shakes Ed’s hand ]
Ed Glosser: [ falls into his trance ] Tomorrow.. on the way to work..you’re gonna buy a cup of coffee..
New Employee: [ anxious ] Yeah?
Ed Glosser: Then you’re gonna hail a cab..
New Employee: Uh huh! Does the cab crash?!
Ed Glosser: No.. you’re gonna leave the coffee in the cab!
New Employee: Okay.. I guess I’ll just have to get another cup whenI get here.
Ed Glosser: Look! you don’t get it! You’re wasting coffee!
Male Employee #1: Ed, Ed, Ed.. what’s the big deal? It’s just a cupof coffee! Look, we’ve got a whole pot of it over there.
Ed Glosser: accidentally touches the male employee’s arm and fallsback into his trance ] At lunch.. you’re gonna treat yourself to a vanilla icecream.. you’re gonna eat it too fast.. you’re gonna get an ice cream headache..it’s gonna hurt.. real bad.. right.. [ touches the middle of his forehead ]..here.. for eight, nine seconds..
Male Employee #1: Ed, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.But you’re giving everybody the creeps.
Ed Glosser: I didn’t ask for these powers! Theyjust came to me!
Male Employee #1: Well, I see a large stack of papers on your desk..and I see you finishing them all by five o’clock! [ laughs and turns to leave ]
New Employee: Hey, uh.. nice meeting you. [ starts to shake Ed’shand again, but retreats and leaves ]
Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey! Psychic Man! What do you seehappening in the World Series – Toronto or Atlanta?
Ed Glosser: [ upset ] I can’t believe you’re asking me to use mypowers in that way! [ turns to leave, but Male Employee #2 grabs Ed’sarm and sends into another trance ] You’re eating a bag of pistachios.. youwill find that one is very difficult to open..
Male Employee #2: Yeah?
Ed Glosser: You’re not going to be able to open it with your fingers.. you’re gonna have to use your teeth.. it’s gonna taste very bad..
Male Employee #2: Just the one nut?
Ed Glosser: Yes!
Male Employee #2: Alright.. well, thanks for thattip. I’m going to go call my bookie now. [ leaves ]
[ Ed sits in the office, annoyed ]
Delivery Boy: [ enters carrying a bag ] Excuse me, did you order atuna fish sandwich?
Ed Glosser: Yeah.. [ pulls out some money and places it in theDelivery Boy’s hand, falling into another trance ] You have a car..
Delivery Boy: Yeah?
Ed Glosser: [ pause ] Could you give me a lift home? Nobody aroundhere likes me.
Delivery Boy: Sure. Why not?
Ed Glosser: [ still in trance ] There’s going to be traffic.
[ Music Open: “Every Breath You Take”, The Police ]
Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to “Stalk Talk”. I’m your host,Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and womenwho seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers andconsequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let’s say helloto our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with hisgirlfriend..
Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.
Allison McGrath: Oh. And what’s the girl’s name?
Brian: “Bitch.”
Allison McGrath: Okay. Let’s move to our second stalker, Marty.
Marty: Hello. I’m Marty.
Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up withyou in the fifth grade.
Marty: She didn’t break up with me! We decided to see otherpeople.
Allison McGrath: And, yet, you’re still upset with her, aren’t you,Marty?
Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn’t.. Yes.
Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you’re a stalker, too?
Danny: Uh, yes. I’ve been stalking a certain someone for the pastfour-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.
Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ] ..you’re here now, soI guess you’re not stalking her all the time!
Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.
Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. Afemale stalker. Say hello to Ellen.
Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff forjust a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls asyou want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you toHell!
Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did yourrelationship end?
Brian: With “Bitch”?
Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..
Brian: Say it!
Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with”Bitch”?
Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good days..ups and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phoneagain, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together.Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get “Bitch” to fallin love with him.
Allison McGrath: Magic powers?
Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she lovesme, but she’s under the influence of this agent of the Devil.
Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girlbroke up with you?
Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?
Allison McGrath: Um.. no.
Marty: We’re not broken up.. I mean, we’re just taking a little timeto sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]
Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you’re in love withDavid Hasselhoff, of TV’s “Knight Rider”..
Ellen: Yes, I love him. He’s on “Baywatch” now, okay?
Marty: He’s good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives hima dirty look ]
Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. Whendid you guys go out?
Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren’t a real “going-out”kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food andwatch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]
Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff’s wife thinkof that?
Ellen: [ angry ] I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that!
Allison McGrath: I’m sorry, but have you ever even actually metDavid Hasselhoff?
Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] “No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I’ve watched him manytimes.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!
Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?
Ellen: No.
Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t need thesemodern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking issimplicity in itself. It’s a person.. and the person he’s hunting.
Brian: But.. that’s me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledgesMarty ] ..I’ll bet he’s got the best goggles money can buy.
Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.
Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang ona tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?
Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!
Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!
Brian: You see? They’re like that, young stalkers. They’re kids.It’s a generation thing, I guess.
Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story.Let’s start with Ellen.
Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 seasonof “Knight Rider”.. David had just started to grow his hair too long, youknow? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hidunder his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! Heknew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left melying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!
Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]
Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]
Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?
Brian: Well.. “Bitch” had gone over to the tennis instructor’s houseafter work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75yards behind her at all times.. “Bitch” had been there about two hours,during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kindof bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstratessome wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What’s so funny?!
Marty: [ laughing ] It’s just that I’ve done that!
Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I’m making these bird noises.. all of asudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess hewas looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that’s interrupting hisdemon seance with “Bitch”. So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in thestreet screaming, “I’m the bird! I’m the little bird! And the Bitchwill burn in Hell!” I must have run fifteen blocks before the copspicked me up.
Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?
Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.
Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?
Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!
Allison McGrath: Yeah. That’s nice. I bet you’ve got a goodone, though?
Press Secretary: Please, please. Now, we’ll get to that later, okay? Now, Mr. Perot’s half-hour program airs tonight on ABC and CBS. It’s entitled “Ross: You Bet Your Hat We Can Win.” Now, are there any questions? Mike?
Reporter #1: Yes. Uh.. Mr. Perot still hasn’t answered a lot of questions about the Republican Party’s so-called “dirty tricks”.
Press Secretary: Mike, I think we want to put that whole subject behind us.
Reporter #1: I mean, what was the deal with the “alleged” picture of the daughter?
Press Secretary: Mike, as I said, we want –
Reporter #1: How was this picture “allegedly” altered, and how was it supposed to embarrass him?
[ Ross Perots enters angrily ]
Ross Perot: Now, hold on there! Hold on one Texas minute! Now, hold on! Hold on! You people don’t quit, now do you? Now, is this the way we’re gonna play the game here? Are you guys gonna keep asking me these asinine questions until you see some dirty pictures? Is that what you want, huh? Is that what you require? Alright. Now, let’s have it your way. Now, imagine, if you will, that you were a father. Now, imagine the nausea you would feel seeing a picture of your daughter, on the eve of her wedding, your own flesh and blood, altered in this sick fashion! Take a look now! [ holds up enlarged photo of his daughter kissing Madonna ] There it is! Now, are you happy? There it is. This is a picture generated by the Republican dirty tricks team, using a computer paid for with tax money! Now, now.. this is a perfectly good picture of my daughter, and they’ve cut her fiance out, and put Madonna in there to make her look like a lesbian! And, as far as I’m concerned, it is just sick! So, are ya happy now? Any more questions? [ sees hand raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #2: Yes. How do we know that this picture came from a Republican dirty tricks team, and not from your own organization?
Ross Perot: Now, didn’t I just tell you where the picture came from? Huh?! Have you seen the picture? Have I just started talking Portuguese up here and not know it? Are we at the same press conference? you haven’t heard one word I’ve said! Have you? [ sees hand raised ] Yes?
Reporter #3: Um.. how did you gain possession of this picture?
Ross Perot: It was delivered to me by a person whose opinion I respect outside of politics! That’s all I can say! Now, can we move on to some real issues, or are you gonna play footsies while the country goes to hell? [ sees hand raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #4: How did this person know it came from the Republicans?
Ross Perot: I have told you over and over time and again! Now, I do not have to prove myself to anybody! The picture is there for anybody to see! It’s as plain as white cotton panties! Now, you want to talk about this? Is that what you want to do? You want to play a game here? You want to play footsies? Alright, I thought we’d have a press conference, talk about the issues, but fine, let’s get into this! Now.. listen very carefully. Two years ago – and I have not revealed this until now, for reasons I will not go into – two years ago, in the middle of the night at my home in Dallas, I was awakened by a disturbance outside on my lawn. So I went outside and engaged in hand-to-hand contact with four men and a small dog. Now, I took the four men out, and was about to tie up the dog, when it looked up at me and said, “Aren’t you Ross Perot?” Well, I nearly dropped a load. That dog spoke perfect English. Now, listen very carefully. Who is the world leader in talking dogs? Well, you don’t have to be a Washington insider to know it is the Republican Party – I rest my case! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #1: Who told you that the Republican Party is involved in trying to teach dogs to talk?
Ross Perot: Well, now we’re just playing games here, huh? [ laughs ] Just playing footsies! Now, as long as we’re at it, I’m just gonna put it all out there. Lay all the cards on the table. ‘Cause let me tell you something – I didn’t get to this point by being smart or good-looking. You understand? Now, just the other day, I got a phone call from a woman – won’t say her name, but she is astrologer to the stars – now, you don’t get to that point without having the goods! Now, if you don’t hear another word I am saying, please listen to this: one whole year ago, she predicted the break-up of Harry Hamlin and Nicolette Sheridan. I rest my case! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #5: Are you saying the position of the planets is having some effect on this election?
Ross Perot: I am not saying anything of the kind! Now, do you want to put words in my mouth, or can I finish my story? Alright, this woman – astrologer to the stars – had a premonition. She told me that the Republican Party was planning to drug me and my family, yank all dental work, and replace them with transmitters inside our fillings!
Reporter #4: Are you saying you have transmitters in your teeth?
Ross Perot: You’re not listening to a word I’m saying! I talked to the psychic, beefed up my security, so these events never occurred! Now, go off and write your funny stories saying I’m a kook or a nut – I’ve got a country to save! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?
Reporter #1: Uh.. aren’t you going to say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”?
Ross Perot: I don’t want to discuss what I may or may not say! You are not listening!
Reporter #1: Um.. but how are we gonna start the show, if you don’t say it?
Ross Perot: Is that the way the game is played? You can’t start the show without saying that? You can’t just say, “Here’s a funny show, enjoy!” you can’t do that? Okay, okay, fine! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[Larry enters the Copy Room dressed as Captain Hook]
Richmeister: Captain Hook! The Hookmeister! Larry from Accounting! Peg Leg a Rama!
Larry: Hey Rich. Just makin some copies of directions to the party tonight.
Richmeister: Alright! The Walk the Plankster! Makin copies! Baron Von Plankenstein!
Larry: See ya, Rich. [exits]
Richmeister: No directions for the Richmeister! Must think I already know the way!
[Randy enters the Copy Room dressed as Madonna]
Richmeister: Madonna! The dirty Bookenator! 50 bucks, too expensive for the Richmeister!
Randy: Hey Richmeister, just making some copies.
Richmeister: The Randstress, very comfortable as a woman!
Randy: Deal with it, Rich. [leaves]
[Fabio enters the Copy Room dressed in a generic ghost costume]
Richmeister: Alright, the Halloween classic, the scary ghost! Ghostiferus scariamus! Alright, its Bob! [silence] Tony, from shipping! [silence] No? Hmmm. Fabio from the mailroom! The colognemeister!
Fabio: Thats me, Rich.
Richmeister: Alright! Admiral Brute of the S.S. Old Spice! Free with ten dollar purchase!
[Fabio exits, and Steve enters wearing his usual suit]
Richmeister: Steve! No costume for the Steve-man! Big Chief No Fun from the I Dont Wanna Tribe!
Steve: No, Rich, Ive got a costume. Its just that Randy and I both came as Madonna, and Im really upset about it. I had my heart set on it. [leaves]
Richmeister: Steve? Steve-O
[Laura enters the Copy Room dressed as Marie Antoinette]
Laura: Hi Rich, happy Halloween!
Richmeister: Alright! Marie Antoinette, the Let Them Eat Cakestress!
Laura: Nope, its just me, Laura.
Richmeister: Senorita Guillotina!
Laura: No, this is from before the Revolution, Rich.
Richmeister: Mademoiselle No-Head! The Great Stumpkin! The Bloody Stumptress!
Laura: Youre getting disgusting.
Richmeister: The Mayor of Choppaquiddick! [Laura leaves]
[Death enters the Copy Room]
Richmeister: Death! Makin copies! The Grim Reapster!
Death: I have come for you.
Richmeister: Roger, from payroll! Know that voice anywhere!
Death: I have come to take you, Richard Laymer. I am Death.
Richmeister: Not Roger! Tragedy befalls the Richman. Hmmm, wonderin how I die?
Death: Radiation from the copy machine.
Richmeister: Ironic! The Death Man! Takin me to the great beyond! Callin in my number! Takin me to the other side! Harvester of souls! The Soul Man! James Brown, the Hardest Working Man in Death Business! Sheriff Doom of the Tombstone Corral! Uncle Dirt Nap! Death [Death leaves in disgust]
Air Date:
10,000 Maniacs, “These Are Days”.
