For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 12th, 1992
Glenn Close
Black Crowes
Jon Lovitz
Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Recurring Characters: Operaman.
Recurring Characters: Orgasm Guy.
Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.
What’s the Best Way
Stanley Sperrow…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Vallencourt…..Adam Sandler
Katie McGregor…..Glenn Close
Wayne Dunbar…..Phil Hartman
Kalahari Bushman…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: From Boston Mass, right off the Mass Turnpike, it’s What’s The Best Way – All right, here’s your host, Stanley Sperrow –
Stanley Sperrow: Hello, welcome to What’s the Best Way, the only game show by New Englanders, for New Englanders. Ok folks, ready to play?
Contestants: Aya, aya.
Stanley Sperrow: Some weather we’re having.
Contestants: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Nor’easter.
Stanley Sperrow: Ok, 1st question. How do you get from Providence Rhode Island, to Worchester Mass?
(Tony buzzes in)
Tony Vallencourt: Ok, whatcha gotta do is get on 95 north, follow that to 495, then ya take that for about an hour. Then your gonna see signs for the Mass Pike. Ok get into the far (fah) left lane, then take the Mass Pike west and you’ll see this WICKED huge Radio Shack. That’s where ya get off, and you’re in Worchester, you’re right there pal.
Stanley Sperrow: That’s correct, yep, ok, here we go. Ok, who’s got directions from Quincy Mass, to to Jordan Marsh (Jahdan Mahsh) department store in Bedford, New Hampshire?
(Katie buzzes in)
Stanley Sperrow: Katie.
Katie McGregor: Ok, now you wanna take 93 north to Route 3, now the Jordan Marsh is off exit 6, and it’s one, uh two, um 3 traffic lights. But ifyou’re heading up there, you really ought to eat breakfast at Shirley’s Pancake House, now it’s close-by, and they have wonderful peach cobbler – but don’t go ona Sunday, cause the after-church crowd is bound to –
Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Oh, sorry, that’s more than we need.
(Wayne buzzes in)
Stanley Sperrow: Wayne.
Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Ok – from Quincy to the Jordan Marsh in Bedford, alright, well there are several ways to get there, lets see, well the old route 14 used to go straight there – you just follow the Merrimack River – but that was before the war – so – now you’d have to –
Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Sorry, we have a time limit.
Wayne Dunbar: Alright, good luck.
(Tony buzzes in)
Tony Vallencourt: Ok, its 93 north to 3, but its four traffic lights, you hit a Chevron station, and a little past that there’s gonna be a retarded (retahded) kid selling fireworks. Hang a left by him you’re at the Jordan Marsh pal.
(Wrong answer)
Stanley Sperrow: Oh, sorry. The correct answer is 93 north to 3 north, exit 6, but you hang a right at the retarded kid, and if you cut through the Bedford Mall parking lot you save yourself 5 minutes.
Tony Vallencourt: Is that right pal?
Stanley Sperrow: Oh yeah. Ok, lets meet our contestants. First, Tony Vallencourt. You’re an electrical contractor, you enjoy that?
Tony Vallencourt: Oh yeah, pissah.
Stanley Sperrow: And what do you do in your free time?
Tony Vallencourt: I snow plow the K-Mart plaza parking lot and, uh,candlepin bowling.
Stanley Sperrow: Alright, Katie McGregor. You work at a wicker shop?
Katie McGregor: Aya, I’m part (paht) owner.
Stanley Sperrow: And what do you do in your free time?
Katie McGregor: I like to make pottery, and I like to candlepin bowl.
Stanley Sperrow: Ah – and Wayne Dunbar, you’re retired?
Wayne Dunbar: Aya.
Stanley Sperrow: And in your free time?
Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Oh, you know, go out on the porch – look out at the stars – and candlepin bowling.
Stanley Sperrow: Ok folks, back to our game. From Hartford to Sturbridge –
(Katie buzzes in)
Katie McGregor: Ok, now that’s straight on route 84, but you’re gonna want to avoid the tourist traps up there, now, if you go up Manhill Road,you’ll see a pretty Bed and Breakfast in Bradford – but that’s a little out of your way, but it’s very reasonable. And there’s a farm (fahm) down the hill where you can get fresh Maine blueberries, of course, but that’s only in the summer –
(Wrong answer)
Stanley Sperrow: Sorry Katie, I didn’t finish the question. From Hartford to Sturbridge, how many Dunkin Donuts along the way?
(Tony buzzes in)
Stanley Sperrow: Tony.
Tony Vallencourt: Fourteen.
Stanley Sperrow: Correct! Bonus point for each drive-thru.
Tony Vallencourt: – Four
Stanley Sperrow: That’s right!
Tony Vallencourt: Yeah, and the one in Caucus got this WICKED fat kid workin’ there.
Stanley Sperrow: Ok, from Boston (Bahston) Mass to Nashua New Hampshire.
(Wayne buzzes in)
Wayne Dunbar: Can’t get there from here.
(Wrong answer)
Stanley Sperrow: Sorry, you can.
(Tony buzzes in)
Stanley Sperrow: Tony.
Tony Vallencourt: Boston to Nashua? You goin’ up there to buy liquor pally?
Stanley Sperrow: Aya, no sales tax.
Tony Vallencourt: Alright, you just gotta shoot up 95, but watch your ass crossin’ over the border. Those state troopers are outa control.
Stanley Sperrow: That’s correct Tony!
Tony Vallencourt: Hey, I don’t care if you’re 1 mile over the speed limit, they’re haulin’ your ass into MuniCourt.
Stanley Sperrow: Ok, Tony.
Tony Vallencourt: I’m tellin’ ya pal, these guys got a quota and a WICKED radar (radah) gun.
Stanley Sperrow: Ok, Tony, the game’s still going here. Newport, Rhode Island to Roxbury Mass.
(Katie buzzes in)
Katie McGregor: What do ya wanna go there for?
Stanley Sperrow: That’s right, there’s no reason to go to Roxbury!
Tony Vallencourt: Hey you can go to Roxbury if you bring your nunchucks pal, I’ll tell you that much.
Stanley Sperrow: A whole lotta crack up there. Ok, homestretch.
Tony Vallencourt: Those maniacs’ll slice ya and dice ya pally.
Stanley Sperrow: Ok Tony. Ok – how do you get from Dorchester Mass, to Mike Bigelow’s house?
(Wayne buzzes in)
Wayne Dunbar: (slowly) Ok, from Dorchester, oh dear, that’s uh,alright, well Dorchester’s south of Shrewsbury, so –
Stanley Sperrow: (interrupts) Oh sorry, we could see what was coming.
Wayne Dunbar: Alright, good luck.
(sirens)
Stanley Sperrow: Ok, that means we’re out of time, so Tony, you’re the winner pal. (Music plays, curtain opens) That means you’ll be joining our bonus round over here, and you’ll be joining our Kalahari Bushman,and his innate sense of direction. Welcome back Zelma.
Kalahari Bushman: (makes tongue noise) Good to be back.
Stanley Sperrow: Alright, how do you get from New Milford Connecticut, to the biggest Waterslide in Boothbay Harbor Maine?
(Tony and Bushman give directions, Bushman finishes first)
Stanley Sperrow: The Bushman’s got it! The Bushman’s got it! – Well don’t feel bad Tony; you still win a quart of Block Island Honey.
Tony Vallencourt: That’s wicked good!
Stanley Sperrow: And Zelma, as always you win a pound and a quart of fresh Maine lobster.
Kalahari Bushman: (makes tongue noise) Pissah.
Stanley Sperrow: Alright, see you next time on “How do You Get There?”.
Katie McGregor: You mean, “What’s The Best Way?”.
Stanley Sperrow: There ya go.
(fade)
Thanks to Victoria for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 9th, 1993
Danny DeVito
Bon Jovi
Mike Ditka
Jan Hooks
Bon Jovi, “Bed of Roses”
Recurring Characters: Super Fans.
(Rerun) See: 09/26/92.
Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.
Recurring Characters: Simon.
Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.
Coaxing a spirit.
Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.
Recurring Characters: Jan Brady.
Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If I was a doctor, operating on a patient,
and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering
above his own body, looking down on it,
I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit
and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body.
This would coax the spirit to return to his body.
If that didn’t work, I’d put the body’s hand
on the breast of a nurse.
That ought to do it.
In any case, I’d take the $100 bill back
before he woke up.
“Sex” on Tape
Sound Operator…..Kevin Nealon
Al Goldstein…..Danny DeVito
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Book Executive…..Adam Sandler
Technician…..Rob Schneider
[ actor Charlton Heston and Screw magazine editor Al Goldstein are converting Madonna’s “Sex” book to tape ]
Sound Operator: Books on Tape. The book is “Sex”, by Madonna; text by Charlton Heston; and photo interpretation by Al Goldstein. Page 63. Okay, let’s try one.
Charlton Heston: Uh.. I’m having a problem with the word at the top of the page.
Sound Operator: Which one?
Charlton Heston: The “P” word. Couldn’t I just say “vagina”?
Al Goldstein: Heston, you sound like an old whore. Read it the way Madonna wrote it! Show some respect!
Charlton Heston: I’m sorry.. I’m just uncomfortable with it. I understand what you’re saying. You want something young and hip – I could say something like.. furburger?
Book Executive: [ to the Sound Operator ] No, no, no! Tell him that’s not going to work.
Charlton Heston: Gene Tierney had a funny word for it – the Erie Canal..? Or the Suez.. what was it..? [ reflective ]
Sound Operator: Hold on a second, Mr. Heston, we have to come up with a decision in here.. [ huddles up with the Book Executive and the Technician ]
Technician: Look, let him say what he wants. I can fix it in the post. I’ll sample the tape, we’ll build a word. Remember yesterday, on page 53, he said “thrust and push”? I’ll just use the syllable “push”, and I’ll add an “E” to it. Then, we’ve got our word.
Book Executive: Okay, whoa, whoa.. “Pushy“? He’s gonna be saying, “I like my pushy“? “I like to look at my pushy“? What’s that?
Technician: I can take the “H” out!
Sound Operator: If you say so. [ leaning up to the microphone ] Alright, Mr. Heston? “Vagina” will be fine. Alright, we’re gonna keep the tape rolling.. and, Al? When Mr. Heston is through reading on page 63, you can pick up with the photos on 64 and 65, down to.. “Two Scary Lesbos on a Raft.”
Al Goldstein: Down to the lesbos, alright.
Sound Operator: Okay, and then we’ll break for lunch. Let’s bring one down.
Al Goldstein: Got it.
Charlton Heston: [ reading ] “I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror, when I’m undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair. Sometimes I sit at the edge of my bed, spread my legs and stare into the mirror, and wonder what others see. I love my vagina. It is the complete summation of my life.” [ turns the page ]
Al Goldstein: [ taking over, describes the pictures ] Oh, man! This next page, I don’t believe what I’m looking at! [ laughs ] She’s completely naked. She’s got a full-length mirror on the floor.. and she’s sitting on it, like she’s getting ready to snap the ball to Warren Moon! Madonna, you are such a whore! [ turns the page ] On this next page, she’s sitting on the old guy’s lap. She’s wearing anklets, and white cotton panties with nothing on top! I’m telling you – this makes me soooo horny! And, I gotta tell you – there’s a difference between horny and horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]
Charlton Heston: [ interrupting with his thoughts ] You know, Ernie Borgnine had a thing for white cotton panties..
Book Executive: [ annoyed ] What is he doing?
Sound Operator: [ into the microphone ] Mr. Heston, try not to ad-lib, okay?
Charlton Heston: Sorry.
Sound Operator: Hey look, as long as we’re stopped, let’s break for lunch. When we come back, we’ll pick up on page 66.
Charlton Heston: Page 66? That’s where’s she’s whipping a room full of naked men while wearing a formal?
Al Goldstein: [ excited ] Yeah, that’s it! It’s kind of horny, but not.. horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]
Charlton Heston: Ah, yes..
[ fade to black ]
Simon
Simon…..Mike Myers
Vinnie Esposito…..Danny Devito
Announcer: It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5 o’clock. I hope you enjoyed all 11 hours of the ‘Norfolk Plowing Competition’, and before that ‘Let’s Have A Look At your Willie’ with Dick Smitten. And now boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend Simon.
[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]
Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!”
[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]
Simon: Hello! My name is Simon. I like to do drawerings. Today, I have an American friend in the bath with me. I met him on my Christmas holidays in Atlantic City. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? [Audience cheers] Okay, his name is Vinnie Esposito and he’s ever so friendly.
Vinnie: Yo, how you doin’?
Simon: My dad works for a big American company and might be getting into business with his dad.
Vinnie: My old man’s in construction.
Simon: Just like me, Vinnie doesn’t have a mummy. My mummy’s with the angels.
Vinnie: My mummy’s sleepin’ with the fishes. My daddy said she had a BIG mouth.
Simon: Vinnie, didn’t you think that Christmas in Atlantic City was ever so fun?
Vinnie: It didn’t suck.
Simon: I had a great Christmas. All Christmas day long I played the slot machines by myself, and every 2 hours a nice lady named Bambi would take me to the toilets.
Vinnie: Speaking of toilets, while you were just talking, I made.
Simon: I thought it was getting warmer in here. Cheeky monkey! Anyways, I did a drawering at the casino. Do you want to see it? Do you? Do you? [audience cheers] [Simon bends down to get drawing] Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don’t look. Okay, this is a drawering of my daddy at the Roulette table. He’s shouting for more credit. “Give me more credit”, he said. So I said, “All right then. I think you’re a great daddy, and I think this is the best Christmas ever”. But evidentaly, that’s not the kind of credit he needed, and he was wisked away into a darkened room. Do you have any Christmas drawerings, Vinnie?
Vinnie: Yes I do. [Vinnie bends down to get drawing] Were you lookin’ at my ass? Don’t look at my ass! Ass-looker! [To Simon] They was lookin’ at my ass!
Simon: Don’t let ’em. Don’t let ’em. Don’t.
Vinnie: Okay. It’s a drawering of Joey “The Neck” Vatelli dressed up as Santa. I asked daddy why Santa Claus was covered in blood, and he told me sometimes Santa Claus gotta get wacked.
Simon: Fair enough. Fair enough. All right then. This is a drawering of one of my Christmas presents from my Auntie Mollie. It’s a year’s membership to the Chocolate Bar of the Month Club. January is Cadbury’s Goosberry month.
Vinnie: Well, this is what I got. This is a BB gun. I use it for shooting rabits and other small vermin.
Simon: I got another present. It was from my former nanny, who’s a hippie. It’s a vest made out of ma-crah-me.
Vinnie: You mean macrame.
Simon: All she does is eat toffu all day long.
Vinnie: You mean tofu.
Simon: If you like. And she even grows her own ore-gahn-o.
Vinnie: That’s oregano, you limey freak!
Simon: My daddy says that Americans and British people are seperated by a common language.
Vinnie: All’s I know is that my dad could take your dad.
Simon: That’s probably true because sadly my dad doesn’t carry firearms. Okay, that’s all the time we have for this week. My guest has been Vinnie. Have a happy new year!
Vinnie: Happy new year, Simon.
Simon: Did it just get warmer in here again?
Vinnie: Maybe.
Simon: Cheeky monkey! Bye Bye!
Vinnie: Bye!
[ Simon and Vinnie throw bubbles int he air, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]
Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.”
[ fade ]
Thanks to Kelly Bumford for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 16th, 1993
Harvey Kietel
Madonna
Jan Hooks
Jeff Renaudo
Madonna, “Fever”
Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.
(Rerun) See: 10/24/92.
Recurring Characters: Pat.
Recurring Characters: President George Bush.
Recurring Characters: Cirroc.
Making the world safe for our children.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
I believe in making the world safe
for our children,
but not for our children’s children,
because I don’t think children
should be having sex.
The Continental
The Continental…..Christopher Walken
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The nightair is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.
[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, before it opens and a womanruns out screaming ]
The Continental: [ spotting his nighttime visitor ] Don’t mind her.That was merely my sister, running to meet her lover. Every moment spentwithout him is an eternity for her. Please. Come in. [ kisses hisvisitor’s hand and shows her into his apartment ] You know, when you called, my heart sang. Allow me to take your wrap. No? I see. You’ve only cometo reclaim your misplaced glove, then you must go. But don’t you see, I willbe devestated if you don’t join me for at least one glass of fine champagna.Please. Your coat. [ camera shakes no ] I beg you. What kind of hostwould I be if I did not attend to your beautiful coat, my little wildflower.Come on. [ seizes her coat and flings it upon the coat rack ] There, thatwasn’t so bad, now was it? Now, please.. won’t you make yourselfcomfortable on the settee, as I look for this glove.. [ walks across theroom ] which you happen to forget when you fled from my apartment last week. Sit. Please.
[ he sits next to her ] You know.. I think it was no accident.In fact, I believe there are no accidents. [ smokes his cigarette ] Thisglove is an excuse. Admit it. You find me as irresistable as Ifind.. [ camera spins around and quickly zooms towards the door, blockedsuddenly by the Continental’s desperation to have her stay ] Forgive me,my little frightened, wide-eyed doe. I see I’ve upset you. If I move awayfrom the door, will you promise to sit and banter with me, if only for abrief few moments. [ camera shakes yes, so the Continental walks away, but quickly jumps in again when the camera attempts to leave ] You broke yourpromise! So I broke mine. I do not like to play games. I wil find yourglove, and you will go. But first, a glass of fine champagna.
[ he walks over to a table to pour the champagna into two glasses ] Youknow, champagna is not champagna unless it comes from the province ofChampagne. I learned that in Bartending School. [ bring their champagne tothe settee ] Sit, please. [ hands his visitor her glass ] Forgive me if myhungry eyes feast on the banquet of your sumptious decolletage. [ champagne isthrown in his face ] The champagna you have thrown stings my eyes. You are afiery vixen. You have a spirit.. like a frolicksome colt. [ glass is heldbefore him ] Ah! I see you have changed your mind about the champagna. Noone can long resist the lure of those delicate bubbles.. [ reaches for thebottle ] ..each whispering the same message of love. [ the champagne isagain thrown in his face ] Thrown champagne in my face once, shame on you. [ adjusts his soaked fake moustache ] Throw champagna in my face twice, shameon me. Very well. I will find the glove.
[ he puts his glass down and walks over to his bookcase ] If you will holdthe steps for me, my darling.. I will fetch this object of your desire. [ heclimbs the ladder, grabs a box, and looks down upon his visitor’s cleavage ]Oof! The view from here.. is intoxicating.. oh.. like fine champagna. Verywell, I will find this glove. [ pulls a white glove out of his box ] Theglove of a woman. I must confess, I have quite a collection. [ pulls outa red glove ] This I found in a taxi cab. [ pulls out a beige glove ] Thisone belonged to the girlfriend of a roommate. [ pulls out a yellow glove ]This I purchased at a garage sale. [ pulls out another white glove ] Ah,here we are. This, unless I’m dreadfully mistaken, we’ve found your glove?[ camera shakes no ] No? In that case.. [ pulls out another red glove ]..this is the glove you seek. [ camera shakes no ] Then, surely..[ pulls out a third red glove ] ..this is your glove. [ hand reachesfor the glove ] Ah! Eureka! Our quest has ended. [ hands her the glove,then pulls it away before she can grab it ] Ah.. dare I say it, this callsfor a glass of champagna! [ puts his box away and climbs down the ladder ]That is, if you promise not to throw it in my face. No? Very well. Iappreciate your honesty, so I guess there is nothing left but to returnyour glove to you, and then you can go and return yourself.. to Him.[ holds her hand ] You know, your hands say everything about you.. Sofine and delicate. You know, I received a doctorate in the study ofPalmistry, from the University of Budapest. Allow me one brief glimpse..[ examines her hand ] Yes! See here, your lifeline is very long!So is your faith line.. but most intriguing of all.. your love line.[ he bends down and licks her hand, as she slaps him and heads for the door ]But! I haven’t called for your car yet! Must you fly so soon, my littlesongbird? Must you fly so soon? Please! Very well, go.. but allow me onelast moment to drink the intoxicating vision of you. Eyes blazing, your hairflowing, chest heaving.. [ she runs into the hallway ] Wait! Youforgot your coat. [ hands it to her ] Please, allow me to.. [ she slamsthe door behind her and runs ]
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If you’re an ant,
and you’re walking along
across the top of a cup of pudding,
you probably have no idea
that the only thing between you
and disaster is the strength
of that pudding skin.