Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
The crows seemed to be
calling his name,
thought Caw.
Category: 1992
The Dark Side with Nat X
The Dark Side with Nat X
Nat X…..Chris Rock
Joe Jackson…..Sinbad
Sandman…..Chris Farley
Announcer: Live, from Compton, California, BET TV – that’s BlackEntertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side with Nat X”. The onlyshow on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly forthe brothers. Now, get ready for a man who’s so black, his shadowstill can’t find him. Step back, ’cause here comes Nat!
Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters. I’m Nat X, and welcome to”The Dark Side”, the only five-minute show on TV! Why only five? Becausethat’s all the time I’ve got between the showings of “Malcolm X”. Now, a lotof people think “Malcolm X” might cause riots. I’ll tell you what movie’sgonna cause riots – that one where Whitney Houston’s hugging up on thatwhite boy, Kevin Costner! What’s the matter, Whitney? You can’t get ablack bodyguard? Why don’t you go borrow one from Eddie Murphy?! Anyway,I give “X” two thums up. Why only two? ‘Cause that’s all the thumbsthe Man would give me! Now, before we bring out my first guest.. [ theWhite-Man Cam suddenly comes on, zooming in for a close-up of Nat, andplacing the image of jailbars in front of him ] Hey, stop that! Get thataway! White-Man Cam! You ain’t gettin’ me! [ White-Man Cam cameramanwalks away ] Boy, I have’nt had that much fun since I did the Wild Thingwith Weezy Jefferson! Now, my first guest tonight is the envy of most menin America, because he is known to have slept with Janet Jackson. Pleasewelcome her father – Joe Jackson! [ Joe steps out and stands in front ofNat’s desk ] Sit your “I-Don’t-Believe-in-Birth-Control-Ass down![ Joe sits down ] Now, Joe, why don’t you tell the people why you’rehere?
Joe Jackson: I’m here to tell my side of the story againstthe miniseries “The Jacksons: The American Dream”. Did you watch it, Nat?
Nat X: Yeah, I watched it! I was amazed at your talent!
Joe Jackson: [ intrigued ] Oh? Did you like my guitar playing?
Nat X: No! I’m not talking about your guitar playing! I’m talkingabout your left hook! I mean, I saw you smack Jackie so hard, his afro cameoff!
Joe Jackson: Look, Nat.. I had some problems back then..
Nat X: Well, your problem must have been your jab.. ’causeyour left hook was workin’ fine!
Joe Jackson: Nat! Sometimes the kids brought it upon themselves.
Nat X: Now I can understand smacking LaToya.. but why would you hitTito? He never hurt nobody!
Joe Jackson: Nat, I suggest we talk about the show, before I goupside your head.
Nat X: [ agreeable ] Okay. [ pause ] Now, tell me the truth aboutMichael – was it all surgery, or did you smack the black off him?!Sandman, get him out of here!
[ Sandman rushes toward Joe with the broom to sweep him off the set, butJoe stands up and smacks Sandman on the nose ]
Joe Jackson: Hey, get up, boy! Get up!
Nat X: Hey, come on, Joe! He’s just a clown! Why don’t you gobeat up the Sylvers for singing “Boogie Fever”? [ Joe smacks Nat in thenose, stunning him ] Alright! That’s all the time we got! We gottaget out of here and go see the movie! Come on, let’s go see “X”!
[ Nat and his studio audience run off the set ]
Thanksgiving Party
Thanksgiving Party
Friend…..Dana Carvey
Larry…..Sinbad
Martin…..Phil Hartman
Female Co-Worker #1…..Melanie Hutsell
Male Co-Worker #1…..Rob Schneider
Male Co-Worker #2…..David Spade
Female Co-Worker #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Retarded Co-Worker…..Adam Sandler
Male Co-Worker #3…..Tim Meadows
Female Co-Worker #3…..Julia Sweeney
Male Co-Worker #4…..Kevin Nealon
Tim: So, this is where you work, huh, Larry?
Larry: Yeah, we have this Thanksgiving party every year.
Tim: Well, thanks for inviting me. It looks like fun.
Martin: [ approaching ] Hey, Larry!
Larry: Hey, Martin! This is my buddy, Tim.
Martin: How you doing, Tim? [ turns to Larry ] Hey. Cherry on top,Larry?
Larry: Hey, I always love a cherry on top!
Martin: Cherry every time! [ laughing, exits ]
Tim: [ confused, curious ] What was that about?
Larry: Oh. He brought his kids to the office yesterday, and I boughtsome ice cream sundaes for them, and they wouldn’t eat ’em because I didn’tput cherries on top.
Tim: [ assured, relaxed ] Oh! That’s funny!
Female Co-Worker #1: [ enters ] Larry! Was that you who shot theold woman, and blew up the school bus?
Larry: Yeah. Was that a problem?
Female Co-Worker #1: No! Good job! [ laughs ] Nice going, man![ exits ]
Larry: Thanks. [ Tim looks over curiously ] Oh! Oh, I had toenlarge some photos, man, for a brochure we’re doing on school safety, man.[ laughs ]
Tim: Oh, of course. [ laughs ]
Rob: [ enters ] Hey, Larry. That stinker of yours really cleared the roomthis morning.
Larry: [ laughs ] I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was going to happen.
Rob: Just try to warn us next time. [ exits ]
Tim: [ confused again ] What was that?
Larry: Oh, my District Manager, Fred Stinker, paid a surprise visitthis morning. Everybody just ducked out of the office.
Tim: Ohh.. okay.
David: [ enters ] Hey, Larry. Hey, I hope your butt’s okay from the othernight. You know.. uh.. you should have told me you were a beginner.
Larry: Hey, I asked for it. It hurt, but it felt good to finally goout and do it.
David: Well, if you ever want to do it again, let me know. And your friend’sinvited, too. [ exits ]
Tim: [ Starting to interpret for himself ] Horseback riding?
Larry: Yeah, horseback riding!
Female Co-Worker #2: Hey-ey, Larry.. Listen: “If you wanna be insideof me, you can be inside of me anytime you want. [ laughs ] Ready when youare!”
Larry: Sounds good to me. [ laughs as she exits, then turns backto Tim ] Oh! Lisa and I are working on this new slogan for a 24-hourshopping mall. [ laughs ]
Retarded Co-Worker: [ enters, making unusual hand and facialgestures ] Hebby-hebby-hooooo! Hebby-hebby-hoooo! [ exits ]
Tim: What’s that about?
Larry: Oh, he’s retarded. He works in the office once a week. He’sa nice guy.
Male Co-Worker #3: [ enters, makes the same hand and facial gesturesas Adam ] Hebby-hebby-hoooo! Hebby-hebby-hoooo! [ exits ]
Tim: [ concerned ] Is he also, uh..?
Larry: Oh, no, no, no. He’s just making fun of the retarded guy.
Female Co-Worker #2: How’s it going, Larry?
Larry: Fine. [ she walks away ] Uh.. we had this wild affair lastsummer.
Tim: I figured..
Male Co-Worker #4: [ enters, ecstatic ] He-ey, how you doing, Larry?
Larry: Hey, how you doing?
Male Co-Worker #4: [ laughing ] Pretty crazy the other night, huh?
Larry: Aw, crazy, you know it!
Male Co-Worker #4: I do, man! You’re the wild man!
Larry: [ laughing ] Yeah!
Male Co-Worker #4: When she did that – you were running!
Larry: Oh, I was, man!
Male Co-Worker #4: [ jumping hysterically ] Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!
Larry: [ jumping hysterically with him ] Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!
Male Co-Worker #4: Hey, next week, I’ll be wearing my thumbcap!
Larry: Oh, don’t say it!
Male Co-Worker #4: [ laughs and exits ]
Tim: [ more confused than ever ] What was that all about?
Larry: I have no idea. I don’t even know that guy. Come on, let meshow you the rest of my office..
[ Larry and Tim leave the party ]
SNL Transcripts: Sinbad: 11/21/92: The Proud Pattersons
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 7
The Proud Pattersons
Mr. Patterson…..Sinbad
Renee Patterson…..Ellen Cleghorne
Young Patterson…..Chris Rock
Adrian Patterson…..Tim Meadows
FADE IN:
TITLE CARD DISPLAYS THE OVERACTING NEGRO ENSEMBLE
Announcer: The Overacting Negro Ensemble proudly presents
DISSOLVE TO A FAMILY PORTRAIT OF THE PATTERSONS, A MIDDLE-AFRICAN AMERICAN FAMILY, POSING DIGNIFIED IN THE PHOTOGRAPH.
SUPER: The Proud Pattersons
Vocalist: [singing]
Aint got much,
but we got our pri- – de.
Mmm-mmm.
SUPER: Starring Ossie Davis Jr. & Rubilette Dee.
INT. PATTERSON LIVING ROOM NIGHT
MR. PATTERSON, late 50s, slight gray hair, plaid shirt, chit-chats with his SON on the couch while they watch television and enjoy dinner.
Mr. Patterson: Renee! Bring over some salt!!
RENEE PATTERSON, in floral dress, gray hair, cardigan, sweeps in and raises her arms in the air.
Renee Patterson: MY CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK DONT NEED NO SALT!!
Mr. Patterson: Listen, woman!! My taste buds want salt!! And this is one man who aint going to deny his taste buds!!
Renee Patterson: Then you get up! And you get that salt yourself!
Renee trembles in tears and clutches her hands to her chest.
Mr. Patterson: I! Aint! Getting! Up! What you watching, son!?
Young Patterson: Im just flippin around, daddy!
Mr. Patterson: MY! Boy! Doesnt flip around! You going to turn that TV! To! Rescue 9-1-1!! And we going to keep it on Rescue 9-1-1!!
Renee moves closer to the man, shaking her hands over and over again.
Renee Patterson: We aint going to watch no Rescue 9-1-1!! Not under this roof!! Not this family!!
Renee points to her son and clenches her fists.
Renee Patterson: You going to turn that channel and we going to watch the movie-of-the-week!! About the serial killer woman in Florida!!!
Renee tilts her head to the roof, eyes blood-shot red and watered.
Renee Patterson: And you going to like it!!
Mr. Patterson rises from the couch.
Mr. Patterson: I! Am! A! Man! I work 14 hours a day! I paid for that TV! With my sweat! And when I come home, I want to see Captain Kirk on that screen!
Young Patterson rises from the couch.
Young Patterson: Whats happening to us?!?! This aint a family no more!! Why cant we just agree!?!?
Young Patterson reaches onto Renees arms and they both cry in exaltation.
Mr. Patterson: MY! Son! Does not cry!
Renee slaps Mr. Patterson.
Renee Patterson: I aint raising no more sons! That! Cant! Speak their mind!
ADRIAN PATTERSON, early 30s, in trench coat and suit, ENTERS.
Adrian Patterson: Hey, folks!
Renee Patterson: ADRIAN! Oh, my baby! You came home!! Where you been!?!?
Adrian Patterson: In Cleveland. Remember? I have a job there. Its Thanksgiving. Im visiting.
Mr. Patterson: Why you always running away, boy!!!
Renee Patterson: My boys! Dont have to run out of town! You stand and be strong and tall!!
Adrian Patterson: What do you mean? Im an engineer. Its a great job.
Mr. Patterson: Dont! You! Talk! To your mother like that! You! Raise! Your voice when you speak to you mother!
Adrian Patterson: Man, just relax a little bit. You guys expend so much energy that maybe if you calmed down, youd get somewhere.
Overacting Pattersons: Oh! Oh!
All of them corner Adrian to the wall, pointing at him.
DISSOLVE TO THE FAMILY PORTRAIT OF THE PATTERSONS
SUPER: The Proud Pattersons
Vocalist: [singing]
Yes, we got our pr-id-id-e!
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Superman’s Funeral
Superman’s Funeral
Jimmy Olson…..Rob Schneider
Hawk Woman…..Melanie Hutsell
Lex Luthor…..Al Franken
Aquaman…..David Spade
The Flash…..Adam Sandler
Green Lantern…..Tim Meadows
Lois Lane…..Julia Sweeney
Batman…..Dana Carvey
Robin…..Chris Rock
Black Lightning…..Sinbad
Mister Fantastic…..Tom Davis
Incredible Hulk…..Chris Farley
Perry White…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Superman’s Funeral, Jimmy Olson and Lex Luthor working the door as Hawk Woman and Hawk Man enter ]
Jimmy Olson: Hawk Woman. Hawk Man. Jimmy Olson. Superman’s pal.
Hawk Woman: Don’t be silly. Of course we know you. Jimmy, it’s a terrible thing.
Jimmy Olson: I know. I’m just kind of numb. It’s Miss Lane I’m worried about. We’ll talk later. [ turns ] Lex, will you seat the Hawks over by the Teen Titans?
Lex Luthor: Certainly. Right this way. [ leads the Hawks through the procession ]
[ Aquaman enters ]
Jimmy Olson: Aquaman! Glad you could make it.
Aquaman: [ holding bowl ] I brought some shrimp. If you need anything else – kelp, seaweed, anything – you just name it.
Jimmy Olson: Thanks so much. [ Aquaman walks off, as The Flash and Green Lantern enter ] Oh, Flash! Green Arrow! I mean.. Green Lantern.. I’m sorry, I’m just barely keeping it together..
The Flash: Tell me about it. Life is so unfair. You know, Superman could do anything. He could fly, X-ray vision, super-strength.. all I can do is run fast.
Jimmy Olson: Don’t say that..
The Flash: No, no, no, it’s true! All I canb do is run fast! He can run as fast as me, but he never mentioned that in all these years. Supe, he’s a real man, I like that.
Lex Luthor: [ walking up ] Uh, gentlemen, may I show you to your seats?
Green Lantern: [ outraged ] Lex Luthor! What are you doing here!
Lex Luthor: [ trying not to smile ] Uh, it’s a.. it’s a tragedy. a real tragedy.. a great loss.. just a pity.. just.. tragic..
Green Lantern: You don’t mean that, do you, Luthor?
Lex Luthor: [ smiling ] Alright, you got me, I’m glad he’s dead! He was a worthy arch rival, and I’m here to show my respect, but I gotta tlel oyu, I’m happy he’s gone – this should be a great year for me! Right this way. [ shows them to their seats ]
Lois Lane: Jimmy, they’re about to start.. still no sign of Clark?
Jimmy Olson: No. Sorry, Miss Lane, looks like Mr. Kent’s a no-show again..
[ Batman takes the podium ]
Batman: [ suppressing tears ] Uh.. I’m Batman. Thank you for.. for coming.. I.. I said I wasn’t gonna cry! I was fine.. until about a minute ago.. There’s nothing more important to Superman than his friends. And looking out at all your.. [ weeps ] fa-aces.. makes me realize.. I’m sorry!
Robin: [ jumping forward ] It’s okay, Batman!
Batman: Sorry, Robin.. I can’t help it..
Robin: [ weeping ] Oh, man.. here I go.. when I see you cry, it makes me cry-y-y…
[ Black Lightning enters ]
Jimmy Olson: EXcuse me.. excuse me, this is a private service.
Black Lightning: Uh-huh.. no, man, I’m Black Lightning!
Jimmy Olson: Black Lightning?
Black Lightning: Black Lightning! You know me! Me and Superman were like this! [ crosses fingers ] We were tight! I had my own comic book back in the 1970’s! i’m the one that taught him how to fly!
Jimmy Olson: Look, I’m sorry.. I’m Superman’s pal, I’ve never heard of you..
Black Lightning: Come on, man.. Black Lightning! I shoot electric charges. There’s Batman – he knows me! Yo! Batman! What’s up, man! It’s me!
[ Batman doesn’t recognize him ]
Jimmy Olson: Sorry, Mr. Lightning, uh.. if it were up to me, it would be no problem.. but, you know..
Black Lightning: Oh, it’s like that, huh? It’s like that?
Jimmy Olson: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to go..
Black Lightning: Alright, man! Why don’t you eat some lightning bolts, chump! [ zaps Jimmy with a lightning laser ]
Jimmy Olson: Ow! Alright, man! GET OUT!!
Black Lightning: Hey, man! Get off my case! Chump! [ zaps him again ]
Jimmy Olson: Hey! That stings! NOW, GET OUT!!
Black Lightning: [ yells ] Hey, yo! Black Lightning! [ motions, then exits ]
Batman: [ continuing his eulogy ] Uh.. some people here, from Marvel Comics, have come to pay their respects..
[ Spiderman, Incredible Hulk and Mister Fantastic step up to the podium ]
Incredible Hulk: I.. I wish I.. Hulk not good with words. Hulk write it down. [ takes out sheet of paper, then puts on reading glasses ] “Superman was that rarest of things. Every superhero owes him a debt of gratitude and homage. His life was a super-human expression of the noblest asperations of man. And, in death, he has become the ideal. Of my friend Superman, I can only say this: he was.. my.. hero!” [ removes glasses, near tears ] I.. Hulk.. just.. Hulk.. Hulk just not the same! [ smashes podium to bits ] Enough said.
Jimmy Olson: [ runs up, excited ] I just heard from the Chief of Police! The Legion of Doom’s attacking Metropolis Civic Arena!
Perry White: [ jumping up ] Great Caeser’s ghost!
Jimmy Olson: You know, I can’t help thinking: this looks like a job for Superman..
Batman: Okay. Thank you, Jimmy. We’re gonna have to try to carry on without Superman. You understand me okay? Who can fly? [ hands are raised ] Okay, get going! Anybody have super strength? [ hands are raised ] Okay, great! Can anyone here change the rotation of the Earth on its axis? [hands are raised ] Really? That’s great! Come on, let’s go! Let’s do it fdor Superman! runs out with everyone else ]
[ show Black Lightning in the back corner quietly pocketing Aquaman’s shrimp for himself ]
Lois Lane: [ close- up ] Oh, that Clark Kent! Where can he be? He’s missing Superman’s funeral!
[ image of Lois transforms into a coimc book page, as the issue is closed ]
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Adam Sandler
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon. Here, now, ourtop story.
This week President Clinton took his first tour of the White House asPresident-Elect. On the tour were the historic Lincoln Room, where AbrahamLincoln slept; the Truman Room, where Harry Truman slept; and the OvalOffice, where Ronald Reagan slept.
Barbara Bush welcomed Hillary Clinton to the White House this week, greetedher with a warm, motherly embrace, took her into the Executive Mansion, andthen gave her a spanking she’ll never forget.
After news photographers lured Chelsea Clinton’s pet cat, Socks, out ofthe Governor’s Mansion for a photo shoot, President-Elect Clinton angrilyordered them not to do it again. Meanwhile, Socks, who had nothing elseto do, decided to kill some time fooling around with Gennifer Flowers’cat, Blondie.
A statistic in U.S.A. Today revealed that 1 out of every 3 smokerstry to quit smoking each year. The other 2 quit breathing.
Remember: immediately following tonight’s boadcast, there will beanother TV show.
The high ratings of the miniseries “The Jacksons” on ABC, and “Sinatra” onCBS, have prompted third-place NBC to announce plans for its own miniseries”The Cowsills”.
Kevin Nealon: Tonight, we start what we hope will become a “WeekendUpdate” tradition. Every Thanksgiving from now on, a different “SNL”performer will compose and sing an original song to commemorate theholidays. We couldn’t think of a better person to begin this tradition thanour own, Adam Sandler.
Adam Sandler: Oh, thank you.. thank you, Kevin!
Kevin Nealon: Alright, Adam, are you ready?
Adam Sandler: Yes, I am, Kevin. I’ve worked all week on my song,and I hope you’ll be entertained and a little moved.
[ singing ]“Love to eat turkey, love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey ’cause it’s good
Love to eat turkey like a good boy should
Cause it’s turkey to eat, so good
A turkey for me, turkey for you,
Let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe.
Love to eat turkey at the table,
I once saw a movie with Betty Grable.
Eat that turkey all night long,
50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.
Turkey turkey dee, turkey turkey dap,
I eat the turkey and I take a nap
Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmie Walker used to say “Dynomite”
That’s right!
Turkey with the gravy and the cranberry
Can’t believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you, turkey for me,
Can’t believe Tyson gave the girl V.D.
Gobble gobble dee, gobble gobble dawkie,
I used to go to camp at Lake Winnepesaukee”
Adam Sandler: Come on, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: No, that’s okay.
Adam Sandler: Oh, it’ll be fun.
Kevin Nealon: Okay.
Together:
“Turkey turkey dee, turkey turkey duffin,
Love to eat turkey with a lot of stuffin’
Turkey for me, turkey for you,
Let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe.
Turkey and sweet potato pie,
Sammy Davis Jr. only had one eye
Turkey with the girls, turkey with the boys,
My favorite kind of pants are corduoroys
Gobble gobble gee, gobble gobble gickle
I wish turkeys could only cost a nickel.
Oh, I love turkey .. on Thanksgivingggggg..”
Adam Sandler: Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Adam. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
SNL Transcripts: Tom Arnold: 12/05/92
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 5th, 1992
Tom Arnold
Neil Young
Roseanne Arnold
Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.
Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.
Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.
Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Connor.
Clinton at McDonald’s
Clinton at McDonald’s
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Kevin Nealon
Cashier…..Melanie Hutsell
Female Customer…..Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Tom Arnold
College Student…..Julia Sweeney
Male Customer…..Rob Schneider
[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into aD.C. McDonald’s ]
Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop here for a second. I’m alittle parched from the fog.
Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for threeblocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fastfood places.
Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talkwith some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..
Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something – there’s gonna be alot of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is theleast of our worries.
Cashier: Oh, my God! It’s Bill Clinton!
Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to ayoung mother ] That’s an adorable baby. What’s your name, sweetheart?
Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.
Bill Clinton: Now, that means “African Princess”, doesn’t it?
Female Customer: Why, yes!
Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be aprincess. Are you gonna finish those fries?
Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?
Bill Clinton: Well, if you’re not gonna eat ’em.. [ grabs the friesand eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of yourmom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doingover here?
Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?
Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.
Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a networkof community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself.I see your boy doesn’t like pickles.
Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!
Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, goodluck to you. We’re gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missedone. [ grabs remaining pickle ]
Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I’m Kevin O’Brien, the manager,and I just want to thank you for dropping by – again.
Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You’ve got a real Americanfamily place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?
Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..
Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.
Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of thosesausage patties.
Bill Clinton: You read my mind!
Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you’d prefera McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.
College Student: Governor Clinton? I’m a sophomore in college, andI may have to drop out because my parents can’t afford tuition.
Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that’sone of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?
College Student: Would you like to try it?
Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that’snot bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every studentto.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh!That hit the spot!
Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and soursauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?
Manager: For your McMuffin?
Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.
Male Customer: You can use mine.
Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.
Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.
Bill Clinton: That’s it. Just pour it all on!
Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?
Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that’s a good question.Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we’re sending in..[ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ]..to Somalia.. but it’s not getting to the people who need it because..[ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it’s being intercepted by thewarlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it’s not just us. It’s othercountries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNuggetis aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles itdown ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone’s Filet-o-Fish ] Thisman’s Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ]..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs differentitems ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it’s just gonna end up with.. [ puts itall in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based internationalmilitary force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one andplaces it on someone’s tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picksit up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?
Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continueyour jog. We’ve only gone about an eighth of a mile.
Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?
Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.
Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!
[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald’s, as the Secret Service agents followright behind him ]
Dogs
Dogs
…..Tom Arnold
Lead Singer…..Adam Sandler
Backup Singer….. Rob Schneider
Bassist….. Mike Myers
Rhythm Guitarist….. Rob Smigel
Drummer…..Dana Carvey
Fan #1 …..Melanie Hutsell
Fan #2 …..Chris Farley
Fan #3 ….. David Spade
Tom Arnold: You know, I’m a huge fan of the Seattle rock scene, and this
summer I spent a little time up there and I saw a band that really blew me
away. I’m honored to introduce them here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen –
Dogs!
[ Cut to the stage where Dogs performs-the backup singer and bassist are
wearing leash harnesses, the rhythm guitarist has a frisbee in his mouth,
the drummer on a pedestal resembling a doggie dish has a bow in his hair,
and the shirtless lead singer/lead guitarist wears a collar and tags and has
eight nipples. ]
Dogs:
“1, 2, 3, 4!”
[ they start playing as spectators watch on ]
“Well, I’m jumping on the table cause nothing seems quite as nice,
Now my face is in my poo, that’s your clever punishment device.
I slept on the couch,
I THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE IT!
Brought you a dead bird,
I THOUGHT YOU’D EAT IT!
So now you’re like my nose, cold as iiiiiiiiiiice!
[ Fan #1 goes up and pets the lead singer’s hair, then walks off
triumphantly]
Cause I was baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t make on the wee-wee pad!
[ Fan #2 takes a doggie treat out of his pocket and feeds it to the bassist]
Oh what’s my name again?
I’m sorry I didn’t come running
No dinner for me? So sad
It makes its own gravy
Now I’m puking on the carpet,
I COULDN’T HELP IT!
I’m drinking from the toilet
IT’S JUST A HABIT!
I swear that smell you smell is not from meeeee!
But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
[ Fan #3 scratches the backup singers neck]
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t go on the wee-wee pad!
Have you ever tasted your brown shoes?
I think you might be surpri-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-sed”
[ guitar solo, during which Fan #2 rubs the lead singer’s belly]
“Squeeze toy!”
[Backup singer squeezes the squeeze toy ]
“Well, don’t you know it’s shedding season
Or is that a dirty word?
And weren’t you the one who said, “Stay inside!”
I’ll bring you the tennis ball
BUT YOU DON’T THROW IT!
I run for the tennis ball
BUT YOU JUST FAKED IT!
Oh you’re just way too smart for meeeee!
But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
‘Cause I won’t make on your wee-wee pad!”
[A giant leg appears, which the lead singer, backup singer and rhythm
guitarist hump. End song ]
92hvalleyhigh.phtml
Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High
Steven…..David Spade
Mom…..Julia Sweeney
Dad…..Tom Arnold
Andrew…..Mike Myers
Edward Osgood…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a production of WNET New York in cooperation with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting”
Narrator: And now we bring you the PBS Afterschool Special: “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High.”
[ open on suburban living room, teenager Steve preparing to go out as his parents sit on the sofa ]
Dad: Big date tonight,huh, Steve?
Steve: Yeah! [ laughs ] Dad? Just this once, can I stay out ’til 1 o’clock?
Dad: [ thinking ] How about 12:30?
Steven: Okay, 12:30 it is! Look, I gotta run, I’ll see you!
Mom: Have fun.
Steven: Okay! [ runs out the door ]
Mom: Honey, are you worried about this getting too serious?
Dad: Well, you know, Andrew treats him a lot better than Roger did.
Mom: I know, I never liked that creep Roger. But I am worried that Andrew’s too old for Steven. I mean, he’s a Senior, and he runs with a really fast crowd..
Dad: Honey, Steven is a smart kid, he’s gonna be okay.
[ dissolve to Steven with Andrew in his car, driving down the street ]
Andrew: My, uh.. my parents are out of town this week. Why don’t you stay over? I think it’s time we “go all the way”.
Steven: [ relunctant ] I don’t know..
Andrew: [ angry ] What do you mean, you don’t know?!
Steven: I mean.. I like kissing you and hugging you, and stuff, but.. I’m scared to all the way, I’ve.. never done it before, I’m only a Freshman.
Andrew: Look, everyone’s doing it, okay? It’s no big deal! If you love me, you’ll do it..
Steven: I do love you, Andrew, it’s just that..
Andrew: Hey! I don’t need to be wasting my time with Freshmen, okay? You know, there’s ten guys that would kill to stay with me at my parents’! I scored four touchdowns last week!
Steven: I know! I cheered the loudest! But.. this is all happening too fast.. I can’t think.. it’s too soon..
Andrew: Well, maybe I should just take you back to mommy and Daddy, and you can think about it!
[ dissolve back to the family living room, Mom and Dad still talking ]
Dad: But, you know, really, honey, Andrew, he seems like a good kid.. he’s got his feet on the ground, and he hear he’s quite an athlete. Steven tells me he scored four touchdowns last week!
Mom: Yeah, I suppose dating a big football player is a feather in the cap of a Freshman..
Steven: [ runs in crying, flops on the sofa ]
Mom: Honey, what happened?
Dad: What’s going on?
Steve: [ muffled ] Andrew told me that.. if I don’t do it.. I’m scared.. I don’t want to..”
Dad: Hey, hey, hold on, tiger.. is this about Andrew?
Steven: [ pulls his head out from behind the sofa cushion ] He wants me to.. go all the way.. I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do..
Mom: Well, I think I’d better leave you two.. alone. [ exits ]
Dad: You’re scared, aren’t you? Now, that’s only natural. Andrew means everything in the world to you, doesn’t he? You know, I never told you this, but.. I remember when I was in high school, and I had the biggest crush on Tab Hunter.
Steven: Who’s that?
Dad: Who’s that? Only the most gorgeous hunk of a movie star that ever lit up the silver screen, that’s who! Boy, I was just crazy about him – everything was just “Tab Hunter this..” and “Tab Hunter that..” I thought the sun rose and set around Tab Hunter. Anyway.. then, I met your mother, and, well, you know the rest..
Steven: So, I should do it? Dad, I don’t..
Dad: No, I didn’t say that. I didn’t say that. It’s up to you. you’re a big kid, and you’ve got to make your own decisions. [ shakes Steven’s hand, passing a condom to him ]
Steven: Thanks, Dad.
[ cut to the PBS Pledge Studios, Edward Osgood in foreground ]
Edward Osgood: Hello. I’m Edward Osgood, Programming Director of WNET New York. The program you’ve been watching – “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High” – was made possible by a generous grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. But without your contributions, PBS can’t can’t continue to produce this and other fine programs. Programs like “Nude Black Man Today”, “The Fidel Castro 60th Birthday Gala”, and our award-winning 12-part “History of Police Brutality”, hosted by Ice T. Governemnt funding, through your tax dollars, isn’t enough. It’s barely $600 million. So, please call and pledge morem oney, operators are standing by. And, if you’re pledging $30 or more, specify whether you’d like the Robert Maplethorpe Tote Bag, or the Abortion Yes Umbrella! We now return to “Sex and Peer Pressure at Valley High”.
[ cut back to the program, Steven at hi hogh school locker with a friend ]
Friend: Hey, Steve. Did you and Andrew do it?
Steven: No.
Friend: [ suprised ] No-o? Why not? He’s so excellent!
Steven: I know.. I want to, but.. when he touches me, I get scared, I can’t think, it..
[ on the other side of the hallway, Andrew punches his locker ]
Friend: Uh-oh. I’d better get going. Good luck. [ continues down the hall ]
Steven: [ as Andrew approaches ] Hi.
Andrew: Hi.
Steven: So, is that offer still good for this weekend?
Andrew: [ surprised ] Yeah! Are you serious?
Steven: Yeah. You know.. I was nervous, because it’s my first time and everything, but.. you know, I think it’s right.
Andrew: I have a confession to make – it’s my first time, too.
Steven: [ surprised ] No way, not you!
Andrew: Oh, yeah.
Steven: Well, then, you might need this. [ holds up his condom ]
Andrew: [ amazed ] Hey! You might be a Freshman, but you sure think like a Senior. Come on.. walk me to practice.
[ they walk off, screen freezes as Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” plays to fade ]