Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 20th, 1993 Bill Murray Sting Father Guido Sarducci Steve Martin David Mandel Beverly Hills Town MeetingRecurring Characters: Rod Stewart, President Bill Clinton, Tori Spelling, Michael Eisner, Michael Jackson.
[The “I’m Chillin'” clubhouse. Two hot dancing ladiesin Afros, shades, and red, white and blue outfitsshake their groove things as music plays and the “I’mChillin'” logo appears.]
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”
[B Fats dances into the room and pauses with one armraised to herald the arrival of his smaller, thinnercolleague, Onski. The two sit down on the club sofa –but not until Onski has pulled a gun from his pantsand dropped it by the door. The dancing ladies exit asthe two guys, wearing shades, denim outfits andcolorful headgear, address the camera.]
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — what’s up! Welcome to “I’mChillin’!” I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree,to the T.O.P. Yo! It’s all about ME! And sittin’ by myside is my main man, the dapper rapper, thetoe-tapper, the Frank Zappa, the girl in his lap-a,the wine from the Napa, and I know a brother like youshops at the Gap-a! It’s B Fats! Yo, B! Yo, B! Tell’em how you feel!
B Fats: Yo, I’m drivin’ my car, makin’ lots o’dough/Knockin’ suckers out like Riddick Bowe!
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo! I hear that! I hear that! Nowbefore I start the sh-iz-ow – before I start thesh-iz-ow – I want to say, “What’s up?!” to a newsponsor. That’s right! That’s right! I want to say,”What’s up?!” to Bitch Come Running cologne! [holds upa bottle of the product] That’s right! You know, I puta little d-iz-ab behind my iz-ears and the next thingyou kn-iz-ow, I’m in the middle of a house sandwich!Yo, B! Yo, B! Yo, B! I heard you like Marky Mark!
B Fats: Naw, man, I don’t like Marky Mark.
Onksi: Yo, man, yo, yo, yo! Check this out! I heardyou got “Good Vibrations” on CD!
B Fats: No, man! Marky Mark ain’t nothin’ but VanillaIce in his drawers.
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo — you got that right, yo man. Thatkid, Marky Mark couldn’t rap a gift, man! Yo, Bizee!Yo, Bizee! It’s about that time!
B Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?
Onksi: Naw, Bizee.
B Fats: Time for Gertrude Stein?
[Onski gives B Fats a look. They stare at each other.B Fats just shrugs.]
Onksi: Naw, Bizee! It’s time for the Mother Joke ofthe Day! [makes a gesture cueing a rap beat that playsunder the following:] Yo! Today’s Mother Joke comes tous from Pam Brown — Br-iz-own — of the HorzyPr-iz-ojects, Apartment Twelve J-iz-ay, you know theone where they found that body at. And it goes alittle sumpin’ like this: “Your mother’s butt is sowide that when she backs up, it beeps!” Yo, Don Pardo,tell her what she wins!
Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a woman wearinghair extensions] You win… hair extensions! Over ayear’s supply or three miles’ worth, whichever comesfirst.
Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, tellher what else she wins!
Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a stand-upcomic at the Def Comedy Jam microphone – his face isblanked out with an arrow labeled “YOU!” pointing toit] You get to perform on the Def Comedy Jam! Impressyour relatives! Make fun of that white guy in theaudience! [rap beat out]
Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, yo, yo!Well, right now we gonna watch a world-premiere videofrom my man, Ice-T called “Fireman Killer” — right?[Onski’s pager, attached to his headgear, startsbeeping] Ah, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo! I guess we gotta dothat next w-iz-eek. You know what I’m sayin’? ‘Causeright n-iz-ow, I gotta go pick up my baby’s motherfrom her GED class. You know what I’m sayin’? She’sstudyin’ to be a doctor! But ‘member what I alwayssay.
B Fats: Always wipe!
Onksi: And stay off the p-iz-ipe. And if someone getsin your face, tell ’em “I’m Chillin’!”
[Music and dancing ladies in. Onski exits, apparentlyforgetting to retrieve his gun, and everybody elsedances as the “I’m Chillin'” logo kicks in and wef-iz-ade out.]
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers Claude Kaufman…..Bill Murray Caller #1…..Adam Sandler Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney
Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richman. Again, filling in for Paul Baldwin, who, thank God, is on his very last cross of treatment for his shpilkes in his genecktageesoink. With me is a neighbor – I met him in the laundry room. He’s a tall drink of water. He lives in 4C, please welcome Claude Kaufman.
Claude Kaufman: Thank you, Linda.
Linda Richman: Give ’em a kick – tell ’em what you do.
Claude Kaufman: Well, I am a casting agent I cast real people for hidden camera and testimonial commercials, and I work mostly in grotesques.
Linda Richman: It’s god to focus. [ puts her hand on Claude’s knee ] May I tell the story? [ Claude nods ] Claude used to weigh seven hundred pounds.
Claude Kaufman: I got tired of weighing a metric ton, so I went on Deal-a-Meal. And, the night I reached my goal weight, Richard Simmons drove past my house, honked his horn and waved at me and pulled away.
Linda Richman: That’s a beatuful story. So, he really does do that. What a nice man. [ tries to hold back her tears ] I’m a little farklempt! Talk amongst yourselves. Here’s a topic: Did Truman drop the atomic bomb to defeat the Japanese or to scare the Russians? Discuss. [ she holds it all in ] There. I feel better. Okay, Tuesday night, right? I’m up all night, couldn’t sleep. And then, at 8:38, they announce the Oscar nominations.. and once again, Barbra Streisand was not nominated for anything.
Claude Kaufman: But, Linda, she didn’t do anything this year.
Linda Richman: Still, they should give her an Oscar just for keeping her nose. Claude, talk to me. Who’s gonna win what? Talk.
Claude Kaufman: It’s very hard to say. Oscar is a very fickle young man. Why wasn’t Jack Lemmon nominated for “Glengarry Glenn Close”?
Linda Richman: I don’t know. Did you see that movie? His performance was like butter. It’s true. He had “Hotel Bar” written all over it. It was a Land O Lakes moment. Okay, let’s go to the phones. The number is 555-4444. Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. Give us a call, we’ll talk – no big whoop.
Caller #1: Hello? Claude? I’m a grotesque seeking employment, but that’s a separate call. Were there any surprise nominations for Best Actor?
Claude Kaufman: Yes. Martin Downey, Jr. for “Chaplin”. I never cared for his talk show, I thought it was too controversial. And I feel that Oscar is a moderate, and will ignore that.
Linda Richman: True. I like Al Pacino – he’s to die for! You know, he’s yummy.
Claude Kaufman: Strong.
Linda Richman: Yes. But all his shouting gave me ADJETA, I’m sorry. “I’m in the dark here! I’m in the dark here!”
Claude Kaufman: Screaming.
Linda Richman: P.S., long story – you’re blind, we know. Okay? Give the boy a break, he’s on SCULLISHE. Okay. Welcome to “Coffee Talk”, the number is 555-4444.
Caller #2: Hello? Uh, Claude’s cute! Is he available?
Linda Richman: No!
Claude Kaufman: Yes. Well, yes, I am open to beautiful, romantic adventure, and to sharing.
Linda Richman: [ feeling coy ] Okay, let’s get to Directors.
Claude Kaufman: Oscar, I think, is dying to give it to Clint Eastwood for “The Unforgiven”. And if he wins for Best Director, you have to win for Best Picture. It’s the law in the state of California.
Linda Richman: I have a question: How could they have nominated “Prince of Tides”, and not nominate Barbra.
Claude Kaufman: Oscar is only human, born to make a few mistakes. “A Few Good Men” is nominated, but Rob Reiner has to call his mother and say that she’s not going to the Oscars.
Linda Richman: How can they do that?
Claude Kaufman: It’s cruel, but I can sum it up with one word: “Meathead”.
Linda Richman: It’s true. They did it to Laverne and her baseball movie, with that kurva Madonna.
Claude Kaufman: We love Opie – Oscar does not. Go figure.
Linda Richman: Who knew? They did the same thing to Woody Allen.
Claude Kaufman: Don’t get me started. He’s a friend of a friend.
Linda Richman: What that man has gone through, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s a SHANDA! [ near tears ] There. I’m ferklempt again. Alright, that’s all the time we have. I’m Linda Richman. Claude Kaufman, you are coming back.
Claude Kaufman: I told you, when you magically appeared with all those quarters, that there are two questions: What time? and: What do I wear?
Linda Richman: I’ll tumble for you. Okay, that’s all the time. Good night.
[Open to a bed at nighttime. Husband is coughing as he turns on the lamp at his dresser. He sits up as his wife sits up also.]
Wife: Are you sick again?
Husband: [congested] I’m sorry, honey.
Wife: You just got over the flu.
[Husband grabs a tissue and blows his nose.]
Husband: I guess I can look forward to another month of this.
Spokesman: [offscreen] Not anymore. You don’t have to suffer through cold and flu season this year, thanks to HiberNol.
Husband: Huh?
[Cut to Spokesman, who’s sitting at the foot of the couple’s bed.]
Spokesman: Other flu medicines let you sleep for 8 or 10 hours.
[The camera then pans over to reveal the bottle of HiberNol, which is much larger than a typical bottle of flu medicine.]
Spokesman: HiberNol lets you sleep through the entire flu season, usually between two and three months.
[He takes the measuring cap off the bottle and pours the medicine into it.]
Spokesman: You can’t buy stronger medication… in this country.
[SUPER: “Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage.”]
[He hands the medicine to the husband, who then drinks it.]
Spokesman: Unlike other medicines which contain small doses of mild sedatives, HiberNol contains a powerful narcotic, and plenty of it. HiberNol lets you sleep…
[Husband finishes the drink, starts to feel drowsy, then falls asleep, as his wife kisses him goodnight.]
Spokesman: …and sleep… and sleep… and sleep.
[Husband is then seen sleeping in his bed as outlines are animated over his body.]
Spokesman: While you sleep living off stored body fat, the cold runs its course. And in fact, other colds and flus may come and go, but you won’t even know it, because you’re out cold.
[Cut to the bedroom window, transitioning from a cold snowy day to a sunny spring morning.]
Spokesman: Month after month after month, nature works its healing magic.
Kids: Daddy, daddy!
[They enter the room along with the wife. The husband sits up, and we see that his hair and fingernails are long, and he’s grown a long beard.]
Wife: Feeling better, honey.
Husband: I feel great! The cold’s all gone! Did I miss anything?
Wife: Not much.
Husband: [disappointed] Oh, I missed the Super Bowl, didn’t I?
Wife: I’ve got it right here.
[She hands him a VHS tape of the Super Bowl and chuckles.]
Husband: I love you, honey.
Spokesman: HiberNol. It knocks your cold out while you’re out cold. From the makers of ComaDose.
Whipmaster…..Bill Murray Cowboy…..Tom Davis Bartender…..Chris Farley Rich Man…..Phil Hartman Becky…..Julia Sweeney Old Man…..Rob Schneider
Jingle: “He’s an expert with a whip and he rides the Mississip. The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster! They call him the Whipmaster!”
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “The producers of the show would like to thank Todd Blanston for stepping in to play “The Whipmaster” during contract negotiations with our regular star. The producers would also like to point out that proficiency with a whip is very difficult to achieve and takes many years, and it is hoped that viewers will bear that in mind.”
[ dissolve to interior, River Queen steamship ]
[ Whipmaster enters ]
Cowboy: Say.. aren’t you the man they call the Whipmaster?
Whipmaster: That’s right. Some men use a gun.. some a knife.. others just use a big rock. I use a whip. [ steps up to the bar ]
Bartender: Well, if you’re the Whipmaster, then prove it.
Whipmaster: What’d ya have in mind?
Bartender: Knock this cigar out of my mouth! [ places cigar in his mouth ]
Whipmaster: Very well. If you insist. [ steps back, then repeatedly cracks his whip in an attempt to gain proficiency with it ]
Bartender: [ whip scars burnt on his face, as the cigar flies from his mouth ] Wow! That’s really amazing! You really are the Whipmaster! Allow me to.. buy you a drink. I’ll just get that bottle down there at the end of the bar.. [ starts to walk down there ]
Whipmaster: [ holds up his whip and stops the Bartender ] Why go all the way down there to the end of the bar? Why not make the bottle come to you? [ cracks his whip at the bottle repeatedly, finally taking his whip with both hands and wrapping it around the bottle to pull it closer ]
Rich Man: [ ambles into the bar ] Maybe you’ll let me buy you a drink.
[ Music sting ]
Whipmaster: [ turns and scowls ] Youuu..
Rich Man: You see, Whipmaster, I’m a very rich man. For one thing, I own a silver mine.
Whipmaster: [ angry ] My father owns that mine.. and you know it!
Rich Man: Oh, really? Well, that’s not what the law says! Not as long as I hold this deed. [ pulls out deed and holds it up ] And I intend to keep it.
[ Whipmaster repeatedly cracks his whip toward the deed, until the Rich Man lets go off it. The Cowboy jumps in to toss the deed to the Whipmaster before anyone else gets hurt by his poor aims. ]
Rich Man: You’ve made me your whipping boy for the last time, Whipmaster! [ points gun ]
Whipmaster: Not quite! [ cracks whip, aiming for gun, but hits Rich Man’s crotch instead ]
Rich Man: Owww!!
Whipmaster: [ grabs gun, as Rich Man stumbles out ] I guess he won’t be using that gun for a while!
Bartender: Boy, I’ve never seen whipping like that!
Becky: [ mad ] I thought we had a date, Whipmaster?
Whipmaster: Oh.. Becky.. darling.. sorry.
Becky: Why don’t you take that whip to the dance! [ trots off ]
Whipmaster: [ looks at the camera ] Why don’t I take both of you? [ cracks whip, knocking over fake dummy of Becky to the ground, then reaches over to pick the real Becky up ]
Becky: That whip is one smooth talker!
Whipmaster: [ wraps his whip around her ] That it is. That it is! [ kisses her, as the crowd laughs with him ]
Old Man: [ runs in holding dandelion ] Hey, everybody! Lookit here, the big ol’ dandelion I found!
Whipmaster: [ grins at the crowd, cracks his whip and hits the Old Man in the eye ]
Old Man: Oww!! Oww!!
[ the crowd laughs at the Old Man ]
Jingle: “The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster! They call him the Whipmaster!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 15 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 13th, 1993 John Goodman Mary J. Blige None The Bravados Andy Murphy Richmeister in WacoSummary: Self-proclaimed Messiah David Koresh (Mike Myers) will enforce God’s will in Waco, Texas, but first must contend with his copy guy, Richard Laymer (Rob Schneider). Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: With backing vocals from 60’s group The Bravados, John Goodman sings their classic hit “So Much In Love.” Transcript
Wilson Countersink FlangesSummary: The technical jargon is self-explanatory. Transcript
Bear and The BrainSummary: In high school, Bear (John Goodman) acted as bodyguard for the Brain (David Spade). But when Bear visits the Brain in college, he finds that Ox (Chris Farley) is the new protector in town.
Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk About the MoviesSummary: Mabel Blaster (Julia Sweeney) interviews Jeremy Hoffman (John Goodman), the producer of a series of sequels to the sci-fi classic “Soylent Green.” Recurring Characters: Charlton Heston. Transcript
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey expresses his annoyance for cheap people. Transcript
Mary J. Blige performs “Reminisce”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Buster Jenkins.
How’d You Do That?Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Linda Richman’s CruiseRecurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Block PartyRecurring Characters: Mr. Henry, Canteen Boy.
Mary J. Blige performs “Sweet Thing”
Turkish Storekeeper
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey compares wise men to stupid men. Transcript
Jack Handey V/O: I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!
[ open on exterior, Cluckin’ Chicken fast food restaurant ]
Jingle: “Something’s cookin’ at the Cluckin’ Chicken”
Clucky Chicken: [ popping into the front of the screen ] That’s me! [ flies up to a table flled with kids and their Dad ]
Dad: Hey, Clucky – why’s the Cluckin’ Chicken so chick-a-licious?
Clucky Chicken: Everybody knows why. It’s ’cause I’m flame-broiled! Yow-zee-yow-dow! But that’s not all – I’m cooked fresh! First my head’s cut off! [ the cook chops Clucky’s head off and send it flying through the restaurant ] Heads up! [ Clucky’s head appears before another chicken being gutted ] Then I’m plucked and gutted – my intestines are pulled out. Trust me, you don’t want ’em! Whee! Look at me! I’m gettin’ quartered and split breasts, wings, the whole nine yards! Chopitty, chop! Then the pieces of me get flame-broiled. Hear that sizzle? That’s me! 550 degrees! Good thing I’m dead, or yow-wee! Then I’m seasoned just right, and ready to go! [ takes a bite of a piece of chicken ] Hey, I’m good! Finally, I’m served to you, so you can chew me, swallow me, and convert me into waste matter. [ peers into the toilet ] Ga-ga-ga-gooey!
[ returns to the kids and their Dad ] Hey, kids, how’s the meat?
Kids: [ chewing ferociously ] You taste great, Clucky!
Clucky Chicken: [ head spinning around the restaurant ] Holy fanoley! The oxygen’s leaving my brain!
Dad; Any last words, Clucky?
Clucky Chicken: You betcha! [ singing ] “If you want a place for the greatest chicken, take it from my head, it’s easy pickin’, ’cause..“
Jingle: “Something’s always cookin’ at the Cluckin’ Chicken!“
Clucky Chicken: Being dead never tasted so go-nobbity good!
Jack Handey V/O: Whenever someone asks me what it means to love, I spin around and pin the guy’s arm around his back. Now who’s the one asking the questions?
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Air Date:
Beverly Hills Town MeetingRecurring Characters: Rod Stewart, President Bill Clinton, Tori Spelling, Michael Eisner, Michael Jackson.
