Category: 1992

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12

92l: Luke Perry / Mick Jagger

Open White House

President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Guard…..David Spade
Crazy Man #1…..Tim Meadows
Alan Demming…..Rob Schneider
Italian Prime Minister……Giorgio Armani
Crazy Man #2…..Kevin Nealon
Wrestler…..Chris Farley
Lord of Destruction…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, as President Bill Clinton speaks with Alan Demming ]

Alan Demming: Alright… these are my notes. Everything you need is in here. Be careful — [ he glances over his shoulder ] This is my only copy. [ he glances at Hillary ] Who’s that?

President Bill Clinton: [ proudly ] This is my wife Hillary.

Alan Demming: [ whispering ] Can she be trusted?

President Bill Clinton: I think so.

Alan Demming: “THINK so” doesn’t quite cut it! The takes are too high!

Hillary Clinton: [ extending her hand ] Hi! It’s good to meet you. How are you?

[ Bill takes the crumpled newspapers ]

Alan Demming: [ to Hillary ] Nice try. [ he storms off ]

Guard: [ leaning in ] A man proclaiming to be the Prime Minister of Italy.

[ the Prime Minister steps forward ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming, Mr. Prime Minister!

Italian Prime Minister: [ speaks in perfect Italian and kisses Bill’s cheeks ]

President Bill Clinton: This is my wife Hillary.

Italian Prime Minister: Hi, Hillary. [ he shakes her hand, then speaks more Italian ] Nice jacket. [ he fondles Hillary’s breast area ]

Hillary Clinton: Well… thank you for coming. We’ll wake up every morning thinking of you.

Italian Prime Minister: Grazi.

[ he walks off, as Hillary clutches onto Bill ]

Hillary Clinton: Honey, we’ve, uh — we’ve got a little problem here. I’ve just been told that the crazy people we’re talking to are NOT the crazy people who had tickets.

President Bill Clinton: What are you saying? That these crazy people are crashers?

Hillary Clinton: Well, apparently so. And now we’ve got several hundred very angry, very crazy people out on the lawn who feel that they’re being screwed and, frankly, I think they’ve got a point.

President Bill Clinton: Well, okay. Let’s just get through this group.

[ Bill turns to find a crazy man standing before him ]

President Bill Clinton: Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting.

Crazy Man #2: [ angry ] You BLACK son of a bitch!

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: Later this week: In recognition of National Fitness Month, President and Mrs. Clinton hosted a group of 800 professional wrestlers.

[ dissolve to Bill and Hillary shaking hands with a line of wrestlers ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you.

[ a second Wrestler lurches forward ]

Wrestler: [ in Bill’s face ] Alright, Clinton!! You did some pretty big talking during the campaign, when you were standing behind a woman’s SKIRT!! Your name should be Bill CHICKEN!! Not Bill CLINTON!! President Bill CHICKEN!!! ‘Cause that’s what you are!! A CHICKEN!!!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, thank you for coming.

[ the Wrestler hapily shakes Bill and Hillary’s hands and continues down the line ]

Guard: [ leaning in ] Lord of Destruction.

Lord of Destruction: LISTEN UP, BILL-O-METER!!! YEAH, BILL-O-METER!! NOT BILL!! THAT’S YOU…!!

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: On Friday, President Clinton welcomed Italian Prime Minister Giuliano Amato, for talks on trade and currency stabilization.

[ dissolve to Bill Clinton seated with Giuliano Amato ]

President Bill Clinton: Once again, on behalf of all Americans, I want to apologize to Prime Minister Amato for the unfortunate mix-up on Tuesday… and the treatment he received from White House security. I’m sure the Prime Minister understands that, once he wandered onto the bus… there was simply no way, absent an interpretor, to verify that he was the Prime Minister of Italy and not a crazy person… many of whom claim to be visiting heads of state.

Italian Prime Minister: No problem.

President Bill Clinton: The shots he was given will have little or no lasting effect… and we believe he can return to Italy as soon as doctors say he is able to fly. [ he smiles ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12

92l: Luke Perry / Mick Jagger

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I bet the main reason
the police keep people away
from a plane crash is
they don’t want anybody walking in
and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up,
act like they just woke up
and go, “What was THAT?!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12

92l: Luke Perry / Mick Jagger

Sassy’s Sassiest Boys

Russell Clark…..Phil Hartman
Christian Slater…..David Spade
Marky Mark…..Adam Sandler
Rick Schroeder…..Luke Perry

Russell Clark: Hello, I’m Russell Clark, Senior Editor of Sassy Magazine! With me in our studio are three of the sassiest young men in America today! Actor Christian Slater —

Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations.

Russell Clark: That’s sassy! Rapper Marky Mark —

Marky Mark: Yeah, come on, come on, come on! You know what it’s like, yeah!

Russell Clark: Very sassy! And actor Ricky Schroeder.

Rick Schroeder: Rick.

Russell Clark: So sassy! [ laughs ] Now, Christian, do you consider yourself “sassy”?

Christian Slater: I don’t know, you tell me.

Russell Clark: I’d say.. sassy! Well, how about you, Marky? Same question: are you “sassy”?

Marky Mark: Yeah, youknow.. come on, come on, that’s buggin’, yeah!

Russell Clark: Sassy, anyone? [ laughs ] Now, Ricky..

Rick Schroeder: Rick.

Russell Clark: Ricky..

Rick Schroeder: Rick.

Russell Clark: Okay, Rick Are you “sassy”?

Rick Schroeder: Sass.

Russell Clark: The French have a word for it – sassé! [ laughs ] Christian, tell me, please how do you explain your sassiness?

Christian Slater: Well, I always say life is like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride – we’re all just hanging on and someday it’s gonna crash.

Russell Clark: Somebody say “sassy”? Now, Marky, your brother Donny Wahlburg produces all your albums, so settle a question for us: between you and your brother, who would you say is the more “sassy”?

Marky Mark: Yeah, that is large, man, he’s on my jock, buggin’ with the three nipples.. Check this out! [ drops his pants and starts dancing ] Come on! Come on!

Russell Clark: The word “sassy” comes to mind. Now, Rick, I thought you were sassy back when I first saw you in “The Champ”, and yet, you were only six years old at that time.

Rick Schroeder: [ peeved ] Hey, that was Ricky Schroeder, that was a kid! We’re two different people! I’m Rick Schroeder now, I’m a man!

Russell Clark: [ holds up sign that reads “Sassy” ] Okay, Rick, tell us about your show “Silver Spoons”. Did you find that a “sassy” experience?

Rick Schroeder: It was okay.

Christian Slater: Ah, that was you in “Silver Spoons”? Hey, quite a performance, I found it riveting!

Rick Schroeder: Hey, I’m not that kid any more! That was Rick-y!

Russell Clark: I feel like I’m in a sassy sandwich!

Rick Schroeder: Who are you talking to, man, come on.

Russell Clark: No one. Never mind.

Marky Mark: Yo, come on, check this out! [ drops his pants and dances ] Come on! Come on! Come on!

Russell Clark: Let’s put it to a vote. Audience?

Audience: Sassy!

Russell Clark: [ chuckles ] Well, we’re almost out of time. I’d like to thank Rick, Mark and Christian for joining me today, and come back soon.

Rick Schroeder: Oh, thanks for having us..

Christian Slater: We must do this again sometime..

Marky Mark: Yeah, damn!

Russell Clark: If they’re not sassy, I don’t know what is. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12

92l: Luke Perry / Mick Jagger

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Opera Man…..Adam Sandler
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Keith Richards…..Mick Jagger

Kevin Nealon: Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon.

Well, President Clinton went jogging Tuesday morning, and saw his shadow. Meaning six more weeks of a screwed-up White House transition.

And now, our top story: With the Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood controversies hardly over with, the Clinton administration was rocked by a third scandal this week, when Communications director George Stephanapolis was caught trying to buy beer with a fake driver’s license.

In light of Kimba Wood’s withdrawal from consideration as Attorney-General, the White house has added five new questions to its candidate-screening process. #1: Have you ever hired an illegal alien? #2. Are you sure? #3. Are you absolutely sure? #4. Seriously. Don’t jerk us around here. And #5. Alright, let’s move on now – True or False, I have hired an illegal alien.

The Clinton administration has narrowed its search for a possible Attorney General to those they definitely know never hired an illegal alien babysitter. Topping the list is David & Sharon “Home Alone” Shoe, of St. Charles, Illinois.

Former Vice-President Quayle has sold his memoirs for over one million dollars. The publishers said that the book will be titled: “Wow! I Sold My Memoirs For Over One Million Dollars!”

And, this week, J. Edgar Hoover’s application to the Army was posthumously rejected. That’s too bad.

The Los Angeles Federal Court is preparing for the trial of the L.A. police officers accused of beating Rodney King nearly two years ago. Although jury screening has begun, police are still out on the street rounding up potential jurors, just in case.

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a look at people and places in the news, here’s Weekend Update’s Opera Man.

Opera Man: Grazie, Kevin! Grazie!

[ “Gays In Military?” headline ]
“Lifto ban-oh, limpa wrista
Pentagon es mucho piss-dah
Watchah da backah, watchah da crotchie
Itssa Seargeant Liberace!”

[ Hillary Clinton ]
“Hillary! La advisor!
Hillary! Aggressivah!
Hillary! Power trip-ah!
El Presidente es pusso whip-ah!”

[ Superbowl ]
“Buffalo destroyedo
El choke-oh third yearo
Operaman devestateoh
Lose-oh mucho dinero!
Ah ah ah ah ah ah!”

[ Al Gore dancing ]
“Gore-oh, no more-oh!
Stoppah!
You scar-ah da bambinos!”

[ Harry Connick, Jr. ]
“You unnah arrestah
You unnah arrestah.
Aero porto no sweet
You pack-ah da heat
You unnah arrestah.”

[ Prince Charles ]
“970-CHARLES-oh
Heavy breatho
Get it on-ah
En Camillah’s pantalones
Senor Chucko is tampona!”

[ “Operaman” ]
“Das all, datsa de endah!
Operaman
Bye-i-i-i-i-ye.. byyyyyyyyyye!”

[ roses are thrown at Opera Man ]

Oh, no! Grazie! Ohy, yes!

Kevin Nealon: Opera Man!

Dr. Jack Kevorkian helped two more patients commit suicide this week, taking them in his car and escorting them to the drive-in window of the local Jack-In-The-Box.

And a recent study indicates that cellular phone users may be more likely to develop brain tumors. The problem has gotten very little public attention, however, since most people don’t care if people who use cellular phones die.

Donald Trump, this week, announced plans to build the world’s largest casino in Israel – the Trump Taj Ma-Hava-Nagila.

Kevin Nealon: This week, Warner Brothers’ Records dropped rap artist Ice T from their label, after further controversy over his song “Cop Killer”. Was the decision justified? Here with a Point Counterpoint are Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.

Mick Jagger: It’s outrageous, man! It’s outrageous! Keith, all the dude wants to do is write a bloody tune, man. And these guys are gettin’ all cold for it, you know, it’s all about censorship, man. Censorship – it’s outrageous, it’s outside, man.

Keith Richards: Lemme tell ya something, Mick – that’s rubbish! The police, they serve and protect. They’re the backbone of our bloody society. You gotta stand up for the cats in blue, man! If you didn’t have rules, you’d have.. freakin’ anarchy!

Mick Jagger: It’s the bloody First Amendment, mate. I mean, if you can’t write a song about killing a cop.. I mean, what’s next? Won’t be able to write about killing security guards.. or what – those bloody doormen, with their costumes and their “Nice weather we’re having..” Or.. they want a bloody tip, man! When they really didn’t do anything, you know! I can open a bloody door, you know?

Keith Richards: Mick.. you ignorant slut! All the time, you liberal claptrap.. [ mumbles unintelligibly ]

Mick Jagger: That wasn’t English, Keith! I mean, you’re talking in Esperanto, or some language twins teach each other! I mean, the King’s English, man! I mean, throw us a bone man – alright!

Keith Richards: Listen, man, you’re going sillin’ go with the goin’ bean!

Mick Jagger: What’s that?

Keith Richards: You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.

Mick Jagger: [ singing ] “You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”

Mick & Keith: [ singing together ] “You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean. You’re gonna sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”

Keith Richards: No, “Man.”

Mick Jagger: You don’t like the “Man”? It’s great, though. Just invert it, Keith.

Mick & Keith: [ singing together ] “Sillin’ go with the goin’ bean. Sillin’ go with the goin’ bean.”

Kevin Nealon: Well, Mick, Keith.. thanks for coming. Great! Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, with Point/Counterpoint.

During her performance at the Inaugural, soul singer Aretha Franklin wore a stunning Russian sable fur coat. The coat, made from the pelts of 65 sables that were killed by anal electricution, was set to be worth $60,000. [ Kevin spray paints the image of Aretha Franklin’s fur coat ] Did I say $60,000? I mean $2. I’m sorry.

According to a report in Physicians Weekly, there’s a new movement to replace the word “impotence” with a term that doesn’t benote helplessness. So, from now on, they’ll refer to an impotent man as “erectionally-challenged.”

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 13th, 1993

Alec Baldwin

Paul McCartney

None

Linda McCartney
Dateline NBCRecurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat.

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueTranscript

Cluckin’ ChickenSummary: The disembodied head of Clucky the Cluckin’ Chicken (Adam Sandler) narrates the tale of how chickens are chopped and prepared for mass consumption and excretion.

Note: Repeat from 11/21/92.

The Mimic

The Chris Farley ShowSummary: A very nervous Chris Farley stumbles through an interview with Paul McCartney. He’s ultimately more at ease asking McCartney about the “Terminator” movie.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Get Out of My Way”

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Adam Sandler performs his song “Red-Hooded Sweatshirt”, with audience participation from Paul and Linda McCartney.

Soap Opera DigestSummary: Helen De Santo (Julia Sweeney) interviews Trent Derek (Aec Baldwin), a soap opera actor who mangles the pronunciations of major medical terminology.

Transcript

The GapRecurring Characters: Christy, Lucy, Cindy.

Transcript

Naked Woman Theatre

Daily AffirmationRecurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Paul McCartney performs “Biker Like An Icon”

The BodyguardRecurring Characters: Whitney Houston.

French ClassTranscript

Paul McCartney performs “Hey Jude”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

The Chris Farley Show

…..Chris Farley
…..Paul McCartney

Chris Farley: Um, hi. Welcome to The Chris Farley Show. I’m.. Chris Farley.. and, my guest tonight is.. one of the.. greatest musicians.. uh, rock musicians. I guess, songwriter, ever. [ Smacks himself ] GOD! That sounds stupid! God, I’m an idiot! I never know how to start these things!

Paul McCartney: You’re doing great, Chris.

Chris Farley: [ hopeful ] Really? No, I’m not. [ hyperventilating ] Anyway.. I guess.. I didn’t have, have to say, who you were, because.. man, I mean.. everyone knows who you are. Mmm.. you’re Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: Well, it’s great to be here.

Chris Farley: [ uncomfortable ] You.. you.. you remember when you were with The Beatles?

Paul McCartney: Yeah, sure.

Chris Farley: That was awesome!

Paul McCartney: Yeah, it was.

Chris Farley: O-kay.. Oh! You.. you remember when you went to Japan.. and, uh, and at the airport they arrested you ’cause you had some pot, and.. it made all the papers, and everything..?

Paul McCartney: Well, to be honest, Chris, I’d kind of like to forget all of that.

Chris Farley: [ smacks himself harder ] IDIOT!! That’s so stupid! What a dumb question!!

Paul McCartney: No, no, no, Chris. I get asked that all the time in interviews. Maria Shriver asked the same question last week.

Chris Farley: Really? [ pause ] Did you know that she’s married to Arnold Schwartzenegger?

Paul McCartney: Yeah. I’ve heard that.

Chris Farley: Did you see “Terminator”?

Paul McCartney: No, I missed that one.

Chris Farley: That was a pretty awesome flick. [ pause ] O-kay.. remember.. you remember when you were with The Beatles, and you were supposed to be dead, and, uh, there was all these clues, that, like, uh, you played some song backwards, and it’d say, like, “Paul Is Dead”, and, uh, everyone thought that you were dead? That was, um, a hoax, right?

Paul McCartney: Yeah. I wasn’t really dead.

Chris Farley: Right. I think we.. I think we got time for one more question. Uh.. remember when you were in The Beatles? And, um, you did that album Abbey Road, and at the very end of the song, it would.. the song goes, “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”? You.. you remember that?

Paul McCartney: Yes.

Chris Farley: Uh.. is that true?

Paul McCartney: Yes, Chris. In my experience, it is. I find, the more you give, the more you get.

Chris Farley [ ecstatic, starts to point at Paul and mouth “AWESOME!” ] Well, that’s it for this week’s show. Thank you, Paul McCartney, thank you, for being one of the greatest.. of rock.. I mean, a living legend. And uh, a legend of rock and roll.. and.. just thanks for being on the show, and.. [ smacks himself even harder ] GOD DANGIT! That sounded stupid! I knew I’d screw up!

Paul McCartney: You did fine, you did fine, Chris.

Chris Farley: Really? Thanks, man. Thanks. Thank you. [ Outro music comes on, Chris continues to talk to Paul ] Remember.. remember when I was talking to you about “The Terminator”? You.. you should see that movie, it’s pretty cool..

[ Paul nods his head ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

French Class

French Teacher…..Alec Baldwin
Robert…..Rob Schneider
Melanie…..Melanie Hutsell
Curtis…..Tim Meadows
Chris…..Chris Farley
Brian…..Adam Sandler
Frenchman…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, French class filled with bored as students as Teacher ecstatically emphasizes the language ]

French Teacher: Bonjour, classe!

Class: Bonjour..

French Teacher: Bonjour Monsieur Norbek!

Class: [ sullenly ] Bonjour Monsieur Norbek..

French Teacher: Mais oui. Je m’appelle.. Monsieur Norbek! Et vous? Comme es vous appelez-vous?

Robert: Uh..

French Teacher: Repondez: Je m’appelle.. Robert!

Robert: Je m’appelle Robert.

French Teacher: Non. Je m’appelle.. Robert!

Robert: Je m’appelle Robert.

French Teacher: Je m’appelle.. Robert!

Robert: Je m’appelle Robert.

French Teacher: Je m’appelle.. Robert!

Robert: [ mimicking inflection ] Je m’appelle.. Robert!

French Teacher: Oui! [ claps ] El quel jour? Est-il aujourd’hui?

Melanie: [ stands ] I gotta go to the bathroom.

French Teacher: En francais.

Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] Je.. gotta go.. uh..

French Teacher: Je voudrais..

Melanie: Je voudrais..

French Teacher: Je voudrais.. aller.. a la salle de bain!

Melanie: [ sullenly ] Aller a la salle de bain..

French Teacher: Alle a la salle de bain!

Melanie: [ mimicking ] Alle a la salle de bain!

French Teacher: Bien! [ claps, as Melanie exits room ] Et quelle huere est-il? Monsieur Curtis? Et quelle huere?

Curtis: Like.. eight..?

French Teacher: En francais!

Curtis: Il est.. huit.. hu-air-es?

French Teacher: Il est huit huere!

Curtis: Il est huit huere!

French Teacher: Il est huit huere!

Curtis: Il est huit huere!

French Teacher: Il est huit huere!

Curtis: [ squeaky ] Il est huit huere!

French Teacher: Bien! En francais: Il est huit huere!

Chris: [ stands ] I gotta make a phone call..

French Teacher: Ah! Qu’est-ce que c’est?

Chris: [ struggling ] I.. uh..

French Teacher: En francais!

Chris: Je.. je.. je..

French Teacher: Je voudrais..

Chris: Je voudrais..

French Teacher: Je voudrais.. telephoner.. beaucoup de filles!

Chris: Je voudrais.. telephoner..

French Teacher: Je voudrais.. telephoner.. beaucoup de filles!

Chris: Je boublais.. enelephoner.. bloop-de-bloop!

French Teacher: Bien! [ claps ]

[ Chris exits room, as Brian tries to sneak in ]

French Teacher: Et ou est la bibliotheque? Monsiur Brian!

Brian: Oh, man, I’m sorry.. I swear, I was at the nurse! I had to sign up for-

French Teacher: Ah! En francais! Je suis alle voir l’infirmiere parce que j’ai pense faire une demande!

Brian: [ rattles off gibberish with a French accent ] Boo-la-la!

French Teacher: Bien! Bien! [ claps ] Classe, repetez, s’il vous plait!

Class: [ rattles off gibberish with a French accent ] Boo-la-la!

[ dissolve to scenes of Paris over SUPER: “Paris, Several Months Later” ]

[ dissolve to French Teacher on vacation, asking for directions from a group of hoodlum locals ]

French Teacher: Pardonnez-moi? Ou est le Musee D’orsay?

Frenchman: Le Musee est dans la rue de St-Honore pres de louvre.

French Teacher: [ correcting inflection ] Ah ah ah ah! Le Musee.. est dans la rue de St-Honore.. pres de louvre!

[ Frenchman gives the nod to his buddy, as the four of them pound French Teacher to a bloody pulp ]

[ SUPER: “Fin” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13

92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

The Gap

Kristy…..David Spade
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Customer…..Mike Myers
Todd…..Alec Baldwin
Todd’s buddy…..Tim Meadows
Cindy the Manager…..Chris Farley
Tracy…..Rob Schneider

[Establishment shot : a GAP boutique]

[GAP Girls are standing beside Customer, who’s wearing a huge oversized pair of pants]

Kristy : [Talking to Customer] Those… look great!

Lucy : Definitely!

Customer : Are you sure? They’re even bigger than the last pair I’ve bought and those were pretty huge….

Lucy : Did you stitched that?

Customer : …Mmm I’ve tried them it with a belt and–

Kristy : You can’t do that! You got to “finch’em”!

Lucy : Yeah! We told you to stitch’em!

Kristy : Yeah! You just paperbag’em out and stitch’em!

Customer : …Well, you know it’s just–

Lucy : Okay, you’re just gonna stitch‘em and then you’ll see…

Kristy : You’ll love’em!

Lucy : Okay? So-Bye!

[Customer leaves towards the cash register]

Lucy : [looking at customer leaving] He was so, not my type!

Kristy : Oh wait did I tell you? I finally saw “A Few Good men” last night.

Lucy : Oh really I haven’t seen that, how was that?

Kristy : Um okay, Tom Cruise, is like, a lawyer, or something, and he’s, he’s all: “I want the truth about the war!” and Jack Nicholson’s all: “Um you can’t handle the truth” and Tom Cruise was all:” But, I want it anyways”.. or whatever ‘t’was good!

Lucy : Tom Cruise is so yummy!

Kristy : I’m sorry but Jack Nicholson was hotter!

Lucy : Would you?

Kristy : Definitely!

Lucy : You’re such a whore! [laughs] You should get a job at Banana Republic with the rest of those sluts!

Kristy : Aah, would you even use one of their changing room?

Lucy : Aah yeah I’d use their changing rooms if I wanted to get body lice.. [laughs] Oh my God there! Wait there’s Todd!

Kristy : It is… How do you know Todd?

Lucy : Oh he’s kind of my boyfriend!

Kristy : Oh I don’t think so he’s kind of mine!

[Camera switches to Todd and his buddy in another corner of the GAP store]

Todd : Oh NO!

Buddy: Wassup?

Todd : I can’t believe this! I had a one-night with both those skanks last month!

Kristy: Todd can I talk to you?

Buddy: Oh no dude you’re busted! I’ll meet you over at Tedder’s junction!

Todd : Yeah… [Todd walks towards the GAP girls…embarrassed] Oh Hi um… [Todd tries to remember Lucy’s name]

Lucy: LUCY!!? You know my friend over there Kristy told me something very interesting!

Todd : Oh Kristy um yeah! I feel real sorry for her!

Lucy: What do you mean?

Todd : Well, I saw her last month at a party.. and she was pretty drunk! I gave her a ride home as a favor and she tried to kiss me!

Lucy: But did you?

Todd : No I’m seeing you! Look I just wanted to get her home safe ‘cause she was so wasted!

Lucy : Well she is kind of an alcie… Well why you haven’t called me in last three weeks?

Todd : I’ve been! I did last night it was busy for three hours!

Lucy : I’ve got call-waiting!

Todd : I know! That’s why I was so freaked out!

Lucy : Wow that is weird

Todd : I was scared, that’s why I came over!

Lucy : You didn’t come over!

Todd : Yes I did I banged on the door!

Lucy : I don’t have a door I have a gate!

Todd : I know I cut my hand on it!

Lucy : [Looking at Todd’s hand] There is no cut!

Todd : I know, it healed, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look if you’re not going to listen forget it!

Lucy : No Todd! I’m the whore! I’m the whore! You’re good and I’m so bad!

Todd : It’s okay baby, we’ll work it out we always do! Now go over there and help pack those costumes as I’ll straighten out your friend over here all right?

Lucy : Yeah she’s all weirded out!

[Todd walks towards Kristy]

Todd : Hey beautiful!

Kristy : Screw you Todd, I’m not talking to you!

Todd : Ah. Fine! But that girl over there who’s your friend, you’d better watch her!

Kristy : Yeah I will… why tough what do you mean?

Todd : ‘cause she thinks I look like some kinda guy she’s dating or something.

Kristy : Ah, oh be cool here comes our manager [whispers] act like a customer.

Cindy the Manager : Ah… Krissie what’s going on?

Kristy : Oh, Hi Cindy! Okay sir, um these are dark blue, these are light blue, and these are kinda medium blue!

Cindy the Manager : Ah whatever [whispers to Kristy] push the Cable Knits! [Cindy leaves]

Kristy : You are so full of it Todd!

Todd : Good! Don’t believe me! You’re obviously looking up for an excuse to break up with me! [Todd leaves, but retained by Kristy]

Kristy : No wait ! Where were you last night, you stood me up!

Todd : Stood you up? You stood me up, I was at Googies waiting for you!

Kristy : I was at Googies and I didn’t see you!

Todd : I know I couldn’t get in!

Kristy : They’re letting everyone in!

Todd : I know that’s why I got into a fight with the bouncer because I was.. bragging about how much I was in love with you!

Kristy : They don’t have a bouncer

Todd : I know that’s what I’m trying to tell ya!

Kristy : [Kristy starts crying] I’m sorry it’s just you weren’t there and I was all.. I was all.. I was all..

Todd : It’s okay—

Kristy : ..I was all..

Todd : ..baby it’s okay! It’s all about trust!

[Lucy comes back]

Lucy : Is everything okay?

Kristy : Are you okay?

Lucy : Yeah

[Tracy enter the set]

Tracy : Hey Tood!

Todd : Hum, Hey Tracy!

Tracy : Look! I only have a 45 minutes break from Donut Hut if you want to hang out! [Tracy stares at Kristy]

Todd : Hey all right I’ll be right there…. [Tracy stares at GAP girls and leaves – Todd put his arms around GAP girls’ shoulders] Hey I’ll be right back, gotta give it to her a therapy appointment she’s a very very troubled girl.

[Todd leaves]

Kristy : Help her Todd!

Lucy : Go help her!

Krsity : Ah it’s nice..

Lucy : Tracy Westcot works at Donut Hut now?

Kristy : Yeah! ah apparently she’s taking her work home with her – in her butt!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts