Category: 1992

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Black Co-Workers

Jeff…..Jason Alexander
Steve…..David Spade
Pam…..Melanie Hutsell
Sharon…..Julia Sweeney
Darnell…..Tim Meadows
Raymond…..Chris Rock
Denise…..Ellen Cleghorne
African Tribal Representative…..Warren Hutcherson

[ open at a restaurant; colleagues Sharon, Pam, Darnell, and Steve are chatting at a table; Jeff enters ]

Jeff: Well, Sharon, Pam, Darnell… it’s nice to meet you. Just let me hang up my coat, and I’ll come join you! [ leaves ]

[ Raymond, a black man with a top hat and glasses, enters ]

Steve: Hey, Raymond! There he is! [ the whole table greets Ray ]

Sharon: How are you?

Raymond: I’m all right, lemme just get a chair.

Darnell: [ stands up ] No, take mine, I’m going to the bathroom. [ leaves; Raymond sits ]

[ Jeff returns and sits down ]

Jeff: So, you guys all work with Steve, huh? Now, Pam and Sharon, I know you guys work in accounting. [ To Raymond ] Where do you work, Darnell?

Raymond: What?

Jeff: Don’t you work with these guys, Darnell?

Raymond: [ upset ] Yes, but my name’s not Darnell, it’s Raymond. I mean, what’s the matter, can’t you tell black people apart?

Jeff: [ embarrassed ] Oh… I’m sorry, man. I made a mistake. Listen, I’m buying a round of drinks, OK? Who’s drinking what?

Pam: 7-and-7?

Sharon: 7-and-7 sounds good.

Steve: I’ll take another margarita.

Raymond: And I’ll have an Amstel Light.

Jeff: OK… [ leaves ]

[ Darnell comes back ]

Darnell: Hey, Raymond, that hat and glasses look sharp together. Can I try them on?

Raymond: Sure! [ stands up and gives Darnell the hat and glasses; Darnell puts them on ] Hey, hold my seat, will ya, I’ve got a phone call to make.

Darnell: OK, sure, go ahead. [ Raymond leaves; Darnell sits down ]

[ Jeff comes back with a tray of drinks; he sits and distributes them ]

Jeff: OK, here we are… 7-and-7’s for the ladies, a margarita for Steve, and a Amstel Light for my main man Raymond! [ to Darnell ] Now, I hope the draft is OK, Raymond, and I’m really sorry about that mix-up.

Darnell: [ upset ] What the hell are you talking about, man?

Jeff: What?

Darnell: I’m not Raymond, I’m Darnell. What, do you think we all look alike or something?

Jeff: Well, I’m sorry, I saw the hat and the glasses…

Darnell: [ sarcastically ] Oh, well I guess there’s only one black person in the whole world with a hat and glasses, huh.

Jeff: I’m sorry.

Darnell: Well look… you’re a balding white guy with a blazer, I guess that makes you Bob Hope! Hey, look, everybody, Bob Hope’s making a surprise visit to the Pig & Whistle, let’s give him a hand, huh? Damn!

Jeff: Listen, I said I was sorry. Let me buy you a drink, what do you drink?

Darnell: Gin and tonic, alright? [ removes his hat ] But just remember, my name’s Darnell. Look at my hair… [ turns around to reveal a letter D buzzed into his hair ] See? D for Darnell.

Jeff: I got it. [ leaves ]

Darnell: Jeez, man, what’s up with that guy? He’s an idiot!

Steve: He said he’s sorry, it won’t happen again, he’s just a little stressed out…

[ Denise enters and walks over to the table, and is greeted by her colleagues ]

Denise: Oh, Darnell, I love your hair! Who did it for you?

Darnell: I did it myself! It’s really easy with one of these buzz pens. Sit down and I’ll show you!

[ Darnell gets up out of his chair and Denise sits down; Darnell uses the buzz pen to carve a D in Denise’s hair ]

Darnell: There you go. D for Denise. Check it out. [ Denise turns around ]

Sharon: That’s great!

Denise: Oh, I really wish I could see it!

Darnell: Hold on then, I’ll go get you a mirror. [ leaves ]

Denise: You know, I’m really tired… I could take a nap right here! [ moves drinks out of the way and puts her head down ]

[ Jeff comes back with Darnell’s drink ]

Jeff: Hey, wake up, Darnell, it’s gin and tonic time!

Pam: Uh-oh…

Denise: [ sits up in disbelief ] Who are you calling Darnell?

Jeff: But you’ve got, in your hair… the D!

Denise: Ohhhh, that D is for Denise! You think Darnell is the only black person’s name that starts with D?

[ Darnell and Raymond come back to the table ]

Darnell: Hey, what’s he up to now?

Denise: He called me Darnell!

Raymond: What’d you do, Steve? Hire the stupidest white guy you could find?

Jeff: You guys, I’m really, really sorry. I’ve got it straight now… Denise, Raymond, and Darnell. I swear, I’ll never get your names wrong again. [ to Denise ] Now Denise, what do you want to drink? This one’s on me.

Denise: [ very upset ] I don’t want anything.

Jeff: OK, but I’m buying champagne for the whole table. Now I’m serious, don’t anyone go anywhere! [ leaves, taking his chair with him ]

[ an African Tribal Representative enters, wearing traditional African clothes and carrying some envelopes ]

African Tribal Representative: Denise! Raymond! Darnell! Good news! Your change of name petitions just came through with your new African names! [ hands envelopes to Denise, Darnell, and Raymond ] Denise, your name is Kalisha, Raymond, you are now Mbaté, and Darnell, your name is Wahid.

Raymond: My African heart beats proudly today!

Denise: Mine too, Mbaté!

Darnell: Mine too. Never again will I allow anyone to address me by my former European slave name!

[ Jeff returns with glasses of champagne, and passes them out to everyone ]

Steve: [ stands up ] Whoa, whoa, Jeff…

Jeff: Here we go! OK, I’m really sorry for the confusion about the names before, but I promise it won’t happen again. So here’s to my three new friends-

Steve: Jeff, before you start…

Jeff: Come on, now, this is important… I wanna drink a toast to my three new friends and colleagues, who’s names are…

Steve: [ panicks] Uh… FIRE!!! FIRE, everybody! Get out! Run for your lives!

[ the whole restaurant clears out except for Jeff ]

Jeff: [ speaking to audience ] The little play let you just saw is about how easy it is to get angry at someone over a simple misunderstanding. This is true in real life as well. Soon, the Rodney King jury will release their verdict. And although, on the surface, I may look like one of the police officers who beat Mr. King, or like a member of one of the juries that tried them, I’m not. So please… don’t hurt me or set my house on fire. Thank you.

[ end ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Food Union Break Room

Mark…..Jason Alexander
Andy…..Rob Schneider
Female Customer…..Julia Sweeney
Boss…..Phil Hartman
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior, Food Union supermarket ]

[ dissolve to interior, employee lounge – furnished with. Mark enters, with Andy in tow. ]

Mark: This is the employees’ lounge. I like to come back here when I’m on a break. They fixed this room up about a year ago – it’s much better than hanging out up front! You know, you can really cool out, relax..

Andy: [ looking around ] Wow! A microwave and everything! [ sits on luxury sofa ]

Mark: Yeah! Yeah! I’m gonna heat up this ham and cheese sandwich I got left over from lunch! You can have half, if you want to! [ puts sandwich in microwave ] Hey, you want to listen to some music? [ approaches fancy stero system ] I’ve got Talking Heads, U2, Clapton..

Andy: Oh, Clapton sounds good!

Mark: Yeah! [ turns on acoustic version of “Layla”, snaps his fingers and sits down next to ] Pretty excellent, huh?

Andy: Yeah!

[ Female Customer opens door to employee lounge and enters ]

Female Customer: Oh. Hello.

Mark: This room is for employees only, Ma’am!

Female Customer: Well, I know.. but I need help in the Deli section, and there’s no one there.

Mark: Ma’am, I’m on a break! I mean, if you just wait by the deli counter, someone will be by to help you!

Female Customer: [ persistent ] Well, I ust need some turkey breast! Can’t you just tell me how much the turkey breast is?

Mark: I think it’s $5.49 a pound.

Female Customer: $5.49. Alright. Thank you. [ exits ]

Mark: This is no good. I can’t relax with customers coming back here and bugging us!

Andy: Yeah..

[ Mark removes his sandwich from the microwave, then leads Andy to a back room. The room is basically an oversized supply closet with a square table and two folding chairs in front of a toaster oven. ]

Mark: This is much better. Customers never come back here. There’s no microwave.. but this little toaster oven’s pretty good. [ places sandwich inside toaster oven ] This isn’t as good as the tape deck.. I mean, I’d rather be listening to Clapton.. but it’s still pretty good, huh?

Andy: Yeah. Hey, it’s nice to have some privacy!

Mark: Yeah. It sure is.

[ suddenly, the Boss enters the supply room ]

Boss: Mark, Andy. I thought you might be in here. I wanted to talk to you about moving the canned goods..

Mark: We’re on a break, Mr. Colman!

Boss: [ chuckles ] I know! I know! But I’m telling you now ’cause I won’t be around later this afternoon. You might want to write this down. [ Mark takes out pen and pad ] Okay. Move the canned vegetables over to Aisle 6; put the canned fruits on aisle 5, with the juices; and stack the specialty items over on the display rack by the produce section, across from Register 3.

Mark: [ sighs ] Okay. Got it.

Boss: I hope so. [ exits ]

Mark: Look, this is no good. I can’t relax with the boss coming back here! I just can’t enjoy the break! [ removes his sandwich from the toaster oven ] Come on. [ opens a hidden door, to enter into a hole in the wall ] Even the managers don’t know about this place, so they can’t come back here and bug us!

Andy: Yeah!

[ they sit on some old crates resting on the floor ]

Mark: There’s no toaster. But this steam pipe gets pretty hot. [ plops his sandwich over the pipe ] This cheese’ll be melted pretty soon. Okay, let’s see what we can do about some music. [ grabs a homemade radio device ] It’s a handmade radio. One of the cashiers built it from a mail-order kit. It only gets one station – but it’s still pretty good, huh?

Andy: Yeah.

[ old-time swing music plays on radio ]

[ door opens, as Canteen Boy pokes his head in ]

Canteen Boy: Mmm.. heh-heh. How’s it going, Mark? Hee. Just, uh, sliced a hole bunch of turkey for some, uh, lady, who said someone matching your description had quoted her a price of $5.49 a pound!

Mark: Annnd?

Canteen Boy: And.. well, if you’ll let me finish my sentence, I’ll get to it. Heh-heh-heh. This puts in kind of a spot, see, ’cause, uh, what she got is the smoked turkey, which is $6.00 a pound.

Mark: So, just tell her I made a mistake, okay?!

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one in the line of fire, heh-heh, so to speak.

Mark: Look, we’re on a break here, Canteen Boy! Okay? Can’t you just handle it?

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, I’m just saying, heh-heh-heh, take it easy, heh! Oh, yeah, while I was in here, Mr. Colman told me to remind you that, uh, you have to moved the canned goods on Aisle 8!

Mark: Yeah! Thanks!

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh-heh, yeah.. whatever! Heh-heh. [ exits ]

Mark: Sorry about that.

Andy: That’s okay, he’s gone now.

Mark: Yeah, but this place has been ruined for me, with guys like him coming back here and bugging us!

Andy: Yeah..

Mark: Come on. I didn’t think we’d have to do this, but.. I guess there’s no choice. [ stands on crate, and pulls panel away from the ceiling ] I just set this place up yesterday. [ Mark and Andy poke their heads through two holes in the ceiling, revealing a tiny insulated area with peanut shells all over the “floor” area ] It’s great! No one’s gonna bug us up here! I mean, there’s no radio or anything. But you can hear the Muzak from the store.

Andy: Yeah, that’s not too bad.

Mark: Yeah. And.. there’s no way to eat a sandwich up here, but.. there’s a few peanuts left. You can reach them with your tongue. I think there’s one right there in front of you.

Andy: That’s okay.. I’m not very hungry.. [ a mouse scatters across, and begins to nibble on Andy’s ear ] Hey.. hey, Mark..?

Mark: Yeah?

Andy: Uh.. uh.. I think there’s a mouse, chewing on my ear.

Mark: Yeah. He’ll stop. He’s just curious. Mice don’t really like human flesh. At least.. no one up here’s bothering us, though, huh?

Andy: Yeah, you’re right. This is pretty excellent.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I wish outer space guys
would conquer the Earth
and make people their pets,
because I’d like to have one of those
little beds with my name on it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
When people say that the desert is lifeless,
it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell,
“Why you stupid, stupid person!”
Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is,
and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Hub’s Gyros

Hub…..Rob Schneider
Customer…..Jason Alexander
Friend…..Mike Myers
Helios…..Adam Sandler
Back Employees…..Chris Farley, Rob Smigel
Black Man…..Tim Meadows
Owner (on phone)…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, counter at Hub’s Gyros ]

Hub: Here you are, sir.

[ Customer walks to table where his friend is seated ]

Friend: So.. how’s your gyro? They’re pretty good here, right?

Customer: Well.. actually, I could use a little more juice. You know, drippings?

Friend: Well, you know.. just go and ask them, you know?

Customer: Nah..

Friend: Oh, come on. Go ahead.

Customer: Huh?

Friend: Yeah! Don’t worry about it.

[ Customer approaches counter ]

Hub: Yes, my friend!

Customer: Yeah.. uh, hi.. [ embarrassed to ask ]

Hub: Yes. How can I help?

Customer: Uh.. I was wondering.. Can I get, uh, a little more juice for the sandwich?

Hub: You like-a da juice, yeah?

Customer: Yeah.. I do.

Hub: The juice is good, ah?

Customer: Yeah! It’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Hub: I get you more juice!

Customer: Okay.. great.. thanks..

Hub: Helios! More juice for the gyro!

Helios: What? For who?

Hub: Right here.

[ Helios moves forward ]

Helios: You like-a da juice, huh?

Customer: Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Helios: The juice is very good, huh?

Customer: Yeah! No, it is.. it is.. it’s.. good stuff.

Helios: More juice!

Back Employees: What??

Hub: More juice for the gyro!

Back Employees: You like-a da juice, huh?? Juice is good!! So good, de juice!!

Hub: They’re getting you the juice, my friend.

Customer: Oh.. great!

Helios: Here’s your juice!

Customer: Oh, boy!

Hub: Okay. You enjoy de juice.

Customer: Oh, I will. Mmm-hmm.. I will.

[ Customer returns to table ]

Friend: Did you get what you wanted?

Customer: Yeah.. yeah.

Friend: So, uh.. where did you go on Saturday?

Customer: Uh, you know, I got up kind of late.. so I just, uh, went over and met some friends at the, uh.. [ notices the Gyro’s employees are all standing at the counter staring at the table ]

Hub: Ees good, huh? With de juice?

Customer: Yeah.. yeah. It’s much better.

Hub: How about your friend?

Friend: Huh?

Hub: You want more juice?

Friend: No, no.. that’s okay.. thanks.

Hub: You don’t like it?

Friend: No, no.. I like it, I just.. you know.. like a little juice, you know? I don’t like too much.

Hub: Ahh. You like a leetle bit of juice.

Friend: Yeah. Yeah.

Hub: You don’t like too much, huh? Leetle bit-a juice ees good!

Friend: That’s right, yes. That’s right.

Hub: You enjoy.

Friend: Okay..

Hub: [ explaining ] He just like leetle bit-a juice!

Back Employees: Ohhh.. leetle bit ees good! Leetle is very good! Not too much, ha?

Friend: So, um.. you.. you went where?

Customer: Oh.. no, it’s just that we went over to the, uh.. [ pauses ] Oh, boy.. Uh.. I’ll be right back.

Friend: Oh, okay.

[ Customer returns to the counter ]

Hub: Yes, my friend?

Customer: Yeah. Hi.

Hub: You like gyro?

Customer: Uh.. yeah, yeah. it’s good.

Hub: With de juice?

Customer: Yes.. it’s, uh.. very good.

Hub: More juice?

Customer: No, no! I-I-I.. I’d just like some ketchup, for my fires.

Hub: You like-a da ketchup, huh?

Customer: Yeah. Yeah.. I do.

Hub: It’s tomatoey, huh?

Customer: Yes.. yes, it is..

Hub: Gives flavor?

Customer: Oh, sure.. sure, it does..

Hub: Compliments potato!

Customer: Very nice.

Hub: I get you de ketchup! Helios! Ketchup for de fries!

Helios: Ah! Ketchup! On de fries, or to dip?

Customer: Uh.. to dip.

Black Man: You like to dip, huh?

Back Employees: He likes to deep! Deeping ees good!

Black Man: [ hands over bottle of ketchup ] Here. You dip.

[ Customer returns to table, as Black Man walks up ]

Black Man: Excuse me, uh..

Hub: Yes, my friend!

Black Man: Can you show me where the bathroom is?

Hub: You like to go to the bathroom, huh?

Black Man: Yeah. Yeah.

Hub: Bathroom is good?

Black Man: Uh-huh.

Hub: Relieve your bladder?

Black Man: Yeah.

Hub: You feel better?

Black Man: No.. well.. yeah, I do.

Hub: I show you where de bathroom ees.

Black Man: Yes. Could you please?

[ points across restaurant, as phone rings ]

Helios: [ answers ] Hub’s Gyros! [ shouts to Customer ] Hey! You! Sir?

[ Customer is confused, but approaches counter ]

Helios: Eet’s de owner!

[ Customer grabs phone ]

Voice of Owner: You like-a de juice, huh?

Customer: Uh.. yeah. Yeah.

Voice of Owner: Our juice ees good.

Customer: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Voice of Owner: He like de juice.

Back Employees: De juice he likes it!! Very good de juice!!

[ David Spade enters ]

Hub: Yes, my friend?

David Spade: Uh.. would you mind, um.. ending this sketch?

Hub: You like de sketch to end, huh?

David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I would.

Hub: De sketch ees a-too long, huh?

David Spade: Yeah.

Hub: The same thing over and over, huh?

David Spade: Yeah, right.. right.

Hub: I end-a de sketch for you. Helios! End de sketch for de man!

Helios: [ moves forward ] You like-a de sketch to end, huh?

David Spade: Yeah. Yeah, I would.

Helios: Geeting very boring, huh?

David Spade: Kinda, yeah..

Back Employees: Sketch ees long! Long sketch! Audience ees getting pissed off!

David Spade: Could you guys just go to the blonde guy with the guitar.

Hub: Oh. You like-a de blonde guy with de geetar?

David Spade: Yeah, that’s G.E. Smith.

Back Employees: Blonde guy ees good! Very good! Good man! Very popular!

Customer: Stop, guys. Just stop!

David Spade: No more.

Hub: I show you blonde guy with de geetar!

[ points to outside of sketch, as camera pans over to G.E. Smith and the rest of the house band, who jam out until fade to commercial ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 17th, 1993

Kirstie Alley

Lenny Kravitz

None

Andy Murphy

Joe Dicso

Christine Zander
Recurring Characters for UnityRecurring Characters: Queen Shenequa, Todd O’Connor, Stuart smalley, Frankenstein, Jan Brady, Wayne Campbell, Franz, Nat X, Cajun Man, Richard Laymer, Carl Wollarski, Pat.

Montage

Kirstie Alley’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 91c.

Chameleon XLESummary: A luxury automobile disguised as a heap of junk to foil car thieves.

Note: Repeat from 02/06/93.

La Cantore HotelRecurring Characters: Marco, Marcello, Fabio, Carlo, Mr. Kirkpatrick, Mrs. Kirkpatrick.

The Montel Williams Show

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey recalls the pornography booth at the fair.

Transcript

Zoraida Confronts Kirstie AlleyRecurring Characters: Zoraida.

Lenny Kravitz performs “Are You Gonna Go My Way”Also Performed: 00?.

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Nipsey Russell, Opera Man.

Originals

Bad Taste Sketches

Foreshadowing TragediesRecurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat.

Lenny Kravitz performs “Always on the Run”

Stop This Craziness!

While The City Sweeps

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 18

92r: Kirstie Alley / Lenny Kravitz

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Isn’t it funny how whenever we go
to a county fair or a state fair,
the first thing we do is see if they
have some kind of pornography booth.

SNL Transcripts

An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer Heads

Insane Idiot…..Harvey Kietel

Insane Idiot: Hi. Welcome to my Deer Heads. [ stands in front of large Deer Head ] This first Deer Head is a real beauty, as you can see. Big fella, ten pointer, I got him about three years ago.

[ stands next to smaller deer ]

This is a smaller one I shot the next year.

[ stands next to even smaller deer ]

This is a baby deer.

[ stands next to even smaller deer ]

And this one is the baby of that deer.

[ stands next to small pet deer ]

This is a little miniature deer that I got as a pet.. then I got tired of it and shot it.

[ stands next to freakishly small deer ]

Now, this is a little freak deer. A scientist friend of mine developed it – the neighbor’s cat got a hold of it and, luckily, left the head.

[ stands next to a mouse head with fake horns ]

This is a mouse. But I put some little deer horns on it, and I don’t know why. A friend of mine asked me, “Is it a deermouse?” [ laughs ] I said, “I don’t know, but it’d be funny if it was, though!”

[ stands next to a toy deer head ]

This is what we call a toy deer. I bought it at Toys ‘R’ Us, then cut its head off and stuck it up there.

[ stands next to an any mounted on the wall ]

This is a really big ant I found.

[ stands next to three little white dots mounted on the wall ]

And these are its eggs.

[ stands next to a microscope mounted on the wall ]

Now, this. I don’t know if you can get your camera in there or not. Go ahead and look on in there. [ view shows amoeba flaoting around ] In the upper left hand corner – you see that thing? That is a deer – or, at least, that’s my theory. And, if I could get my hands on one of those electron scalpels, or whatever you call them, I think I could cut its head off. [ holds up his empty Scotch glass ] Well, it looks like I knew a refill. [ crosses his row of Deer Heads to his wet bar ]

Announcer: This has been “An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer Heads”.

SNL Transcripts

Clinton Inaugural Gala

Barbra Streisand…..Mike Myers
Whoopi Goldberg…..Ellen Cleghorne
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Chelsea Clinton…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on the Clinton Inaugural Gala, Barbra Streisand finishing the song “People”. ]

Whoopi Goldberg: Barbra Streisand, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah! give it up! This is so nice – this is all for you, Mr. President! Inauguration! Now it’s a new beginning, because it’s like, Bush – he didn’t know, because we was saying, “The people are hungry!” and he was saying, “Barbera, where’s the dog?” You dig, you know? Alright! now, we got a psecial surprise for you – all the way from.. well, I don’t know where she come from, but you know the sister is bad! And she’s here tonight, for you! Ladies and gentlemen, Madonna!

Madonna: Mr. President.. this is for you. [ whispers in song ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”

[ Clinton claps wildly ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”

[ Hillary fumes ]“Happy Inauguration, Mr.. Pwesident.”

[ Clinton has a huge smile on his face; Hillary is angry, Chelsea is confused ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”

[ Clinton and Hillary are now fighting over the personal tribute ]

“How.. old.. are.. you now?”

[ Clinton smiles, as Hillary fumes some more ]

“How.. old.. are.. you now?”

[ Hillary gets up to leave, as Clinton persuades her to stay ]

“How.. old.. are.. you, Mr.. Pwesident?”

[ Clinton holds Hillary in his arms, while giving the “Call Me!” signal to Madonna ]

“How.. old.. are.. you now?”

[ audience gives a standing ovation ]

[ Clinton gives Madonna the “Call Me!” signal again, but she shakes hr fingers “No, no”, and acknowledges Chelsea instead, who is pleasantly surprised by the outcome ]

Madonna: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 6th, 1993

Luke Perry

Mick Jagger

None

Giorgio Armani

Jan Hooks

David Mandel

Andy Murphy

Joe Dicso
Open White HouseSummary: President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) and wife Hillary (Jan Hooks) welcome an assortment of crazy people to the White House.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Luke Perry’s Monologue

Chameleon XLESummary:

Note: Repeat from 11/14/92.

The Tampon PrinceRecurring Characters: Prince Charles, Queen Elizabeth, Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Mrs. Hibbert’s Yard Boy

Mick Jagger performs “Sweet Thing”

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Operaman, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards.

Transcript

Magic Fish Town Meeting

SNL Halftime SpectacularRecurring Characters: Michael Jackson.

Mick Jagger performs “Don’t Tear Me Up”

High School Liar’s Club

Sassy’s Sassiest BoysRecurring Characters: Russell Clark, Mark Wahlberg.

Transcript

Deep ThoughtsTranscript

Dark Moments in Black HistoryRecurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

Tommy’s Goodbye

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts