SNL Transcripts: Kevin Kline: 05/15/93: Criminal Encounters

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 20

92t: Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson & Paul Simon

Criminal Encounters

Morey Frugen…..Tom Schiller
Harley McDougall…..Chris Farley
Pedro Huerrero…..Rob Schneider

(Camera fades in on prison conference room)

Morey Frugen: Hello, I’m Morey Frugen. On the night of June 9, 1992, Harley McDougall was convicted of robbing and shooting Pedro Huerrero, a Spanish immigrant. In this room, the victim of the crime will meet the perpetrator…face to face.



Do you remember taking his money?


Harley McDougall: Yeah.

Morey Frugen: Do you remember shooting his leg?

Harley McDougall: Yeah.

Morey Frugen: So you do admit to robbing and shooting him?

Harley McDougall: No…not in that order.

(Camera cuts to Pedro Huerrero)


Pedro Huerrero: I came to America…to be a professional dancer. Now…my leg…I never dance again.

Harley McDougall: There’s a lot of reasons I did it. Drugs, no job, I grew up an orphan…I had a lot of laundry to do that night.

Pedro Huerrero: I’m sure he have reason for why he hurt me.

Harley McDougall: I had a bad migraine…the cable was out

Pedro Huerrero: I try to forgive you know, but sometimes I wish bad things.

Harley McDougall: My parents abused me…they were always fighting…

Morey Frugen: You said you were an orphan!

Harley McDougall: Okay, that’s another reason

Pedro Huerrero: I would stick an iron bar through this head in one ear, out the other ear and I would turn each end around like a propeller, until his skull popped off like a champagne cork! Pop!


Morey Frugen: Harley, why don’t you start?

Harley McDougall: Hi.

Pedro Huerrero: Hello.

Harley McDougall: How are you?

Pedro Huerrero: I’m handicapped and yourself?

Harley McDougall: Look, if I could take if back, what happened, I would!

Pedro Huerrero: Take back…I just want my leg! Now I never dance again.

Harley McDougall: Dance?

Pedro Huerrero: It was my dream.

Morey Frugen: Would you like to apologize?

Harley McDougall: Apologize? No. But I would like to —

(Harley puts out his hand)

Pedro Huerrero: Never!

Harley McDougall: — dance!

(Harley and Pedro grab each other’s hand)

(“If I Didn’t Care” plays)

Music: “If I Didn’t Care…more than words can say…if I didn’t care”

Morey Frugen: These men can dance, but what about the thousands more that have no rhythm? Tune in next week, I’m Morey Frugen.

(“If I Didn’t Care” continues to play)

(A script of what happened after the encounter scrolls up the screens)

Script: Following this encounter, Pedro stabbed Harley when he refused to merengue and is serving five years in San Quentin. Now known as “Sugar and Spice”, the duo has since won the Warden’s Cup three times in the Annual Prison Dance-Off.

(Fade to black)

Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christina Applegate: 05/08/93

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 19

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 8th, 1993

Christina Applegate

Midnight Oil


Phil Hyms
Coffee TalkRecurring Characters: Linda Richman.



Christina Applegate’s Monologue

Nerf Crotch BatTranscript

Focus On Beauty IIRecurring Characters: Cher.

The Backwards Romance

Midnight Oil performs “Truganini”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

The GapRecurring Characters: Christy, Lucy, Cindy, Tammy.

Matt Foley: Motivational SpeakerRecurring Characters: Matt Foley.


You Bet Your LifeRecurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Midnight Oil performs “My Country”

Hangin’ With M-TV

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders suggests a pillow would make a better peace symbol than the dove.


Acme Casting Agency

Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders the amusements of an old man’s folly and his Adams’s apple.



SNL Transcripts