[ open on Spokesman walking through a manufacturing plant ]
Spokesman: Hi! Does this ever happen to you?
[ mechanical equipment malfunctions ]
Engineer #1: Looks like the countersink flange went out on the CD-7 unit multiplier, knocking out hydraulic torque to the electric heat riser.
Engineer #2: Again?
Spokesman: Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Most countersink flanges will experience hydraulic torque leak throughout their less than 7,000 RQMs. Especially when coupled with the double-flux lumen switcher. But with Wilson Countersink Flanges and Dorry Flanges, hydraulic torque is allowed to bypass the settling clutch, providing steady wall pressure to the lug manifold and all the seismic rotors. And that goes for 7,000 RQMs, 8,000 RQMs, even up to 10,000 RQMS. That’s right! 10,000!
Engineer #1: There, that does it! With that new Wilson Countersink Flange, this CD-7 should be able to handle vacuum-kickback on all 22 blossom valves!
Engineer #2: Now, if I could just get my kid to mow the lawn!
[ they laugh ]
Spokesman: Wilson Countersink Flanges and Dorry Flanges. Because when you’ve got hydraulic torque leakthrough, every second can mean lost pranktens!
John Goodman: Thank you! It’s great to be back at “Saturday Night Live”, hosting the show during the Storm of the Century!
You know, this is my fourth show, and I want it to be something special..
Anonymous Audience Member: You are special!
John Goodman: [ outburst doesn’t phase him ] On Thursday, I was given a monologue, and the writers said it was perfect for me. It was one of their “abstract comedy concepts”. Well, I kept looking for a way to say, “This isn’t right for me, I’m not an intellectual.” But I couldn’t think of how to tell them without hurting their feelings. Because even though the writers are unfeeling, they’re still pretty sensitive. Anyway, last night after rehearsal, I headed for home and I thought, “How can I tell them that that’s not who I am, that I’m not a New York sophisticate?” So I ended up riding the subway all night, just trying to get my head straight. The guy in the seat next to me said he’d be glad to help me kill the writers. But I thought, “Nah, that’s not me, either!” I guess I was on the D Train when I got off at Columbus Circle, and I heard these four guys at the turnstile, and suddenly it came to me – tonight, I just have to be who I am..
[ The Bravados emerge from the shadow, and begin to sing “So In Love” with John ]
“As we stroll along, together Holding hands, walking all alone (wee woo wee oo) So in love are we two that we don’t know what to do. So in love (so in love) so much in love (so in love)
We stroll along, together I tell you, I need you oh so much I love, I love you my darling can you tell it in my touch?
When we stroll down the aisle, together We will vow to be together till we die (wee woo wee oo) so in love are we two, just can’t wait to say I do so in love, (so in love) so much in love (so in love) so in love (so in love) you and I (you and I)”
Ladies and gentlemen, The Bravados! Alright, we’ve got a great show, Mary J. Blige is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
David Koresh…..Mike Myers Richmeister…..Rob Schneider Becky…..Melanie Hutsell Lisa…..Reese Witherspoon
[camera pans outside Mount Carmel Center]
[open on David Koresh, who is using the telephone]
David Koresh: Sir, sir, I am talking about the Seven Seals. Whats not to understand, Mr. Koppel? If the Bible is true, I am Jesus Christ. And it is, in Revelations 10:7, that the mystery of Gods declare to His servants the Prophets, that mystery being the knowledge of the Seven Seals. Now, Mr. Koppel, hear this. If they want a conflagration, then so be it. But that not need come to pass. If my statement is read on all 500 radio stations throughout the Southwest midnight tonight, I will release my followers come out peacefully. Copies of the statement will be delivered to the press outside the compound as soon as theyre available. [hangs up phone, sighs, and enters the Copy Room where he begins to make copies]
Richmeister: Jesus! Makin copies!
David Koresh: Hi, Rich.
Richmeister: The Christmeister! 500 copies for the Lamb of God!
David Koresh: These have to go out to all the radio stations.
Richmeister: Important statement from the new Messiah! The man with the plan! The Nazarene! Jesus H. Christ!
David Koresh: Just makin copies.
[Becky enters the Copy Room]
Becky: [to Koresh] Hi, honey.
Richmeister: Becky! Wife #5 of the Son of God!
Becky: [to Koresh] Oh, uh, honey, do you need to make a lot of copies?
David Koresh: Yeah, a whole bunch.
Becky: Well, Ill come back.
David Koresh: Okay.
Richmeister: Mrs. Jesus cant make her copies! Christ hogging the machine!
David Koresh: Gee, you know, uh, these copies are coming out so light, you know, I need some toner.
Richmeister: More toner for the Man from Galilee.
[Lisa enters the Copy Room]
Lisa: David
Richmeister: Lisa! Wife #12! Also her age!
Lisa: Hi, Rich.
Richmeister: Child bride of the Lamb of God! No age minimum for the King of Kings!
David Koresh: Hey Rich, you wanna hear the statement?
Richmeister: J.C. likes the sound of his voice!
David Koresh: Alright, here it is. Good evening. The living God has something that we need to know and the Seven Seals have seven angels and seven trumpets and they will know
Richmeister: Cut to the chase! Snooze-a-rama! Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
Mabel Blaster: Good evening, and welcome to “Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About Movies”. I’m your host, Mabel Blaster. My guest tonight is producer Jeremy Hoffman.
Jeremy Hoffman: Thank you, Miss Blaster.
Mabel Blaster: Please, call me Mabel!
Jeremy Hoffman: Okay.
Mabel Blaster: Now, Jeremy, you are known as the moving force behind the classic futuristic science-fiction movie “Soylent Green”, in which people are given a mysterious food substance by the government.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes, I’m very proud of “Soylent Green”, which starred Charlton Heston. In fact, I brought a clip of the dramatic conclusion.
Mabel Blaster: Oh, great, let’s take a look at it, then! The dramatic conclusion to “Soylent Green”.
[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is made of people! People!
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Boy, it just gives you a chill to realize that Soylent Green is made of people, doesn’t it?
Jeremy Hoffman: It does.
Mabel Blaster: Now, a couple of years later, you made a sequel to “Soylent Green”?
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as successful. That one was called “Soylent White”.
Mabel Blaster: Oh. I understand we also have a clip from that film..
[ clip opens on two Executives typing, with huge stacks of typing paper behind them ]
Executive #1: You know, even in our modern and futuristic world, I’m surprised at how much paperwork there is.
Executive #2: Hmm.. me, too.. But at least we have a cheap and virtually inexhaustible supply of typing paper, now that it’s made out of Soylent White.
Executive #1: Do you ever wonder what’s in Soylent White?
Executive #2: No.
Executive #1: Me, neither.
Charlton Heston: Soylent White is made out of people! It’s made out of people!
[ all of three of them scream in horror ]
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Well, that gave me a chill, too, but not quite as much.
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, I’d like to point out that “Soylent White” was not pure fantasy. We did talk to a scientist who told us that if you use the right bleach and enough wood pulp, you actually could make a kind of paper out of people.
Mabel Blaster: Oh.. Well, after “Soylent White”, you made “Soylent Teal”, in which people turned into popular colors of indoor house paints.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah, we did.
Mabel Blaster: And that was followed by a sequel that lost even more money?
Jeremy Hoffman: That would be “Soylent Cow Pies”. I guess you could say that one was a flop.
Mabel Blaster: Here’s a clip.
[ clip opens on a futuristic couple eating a dinner of Soylent Cow Pies ]
Future Man: What a grim world it is here in the year 2527, when the only thing the government gives us to eat is “SCP”
Future Woman: Well, at least it’s hot.
Charlton Heston: Soylent Cow Pies are people! They’re people!!
Future Woman: We though we were eating cow slop!!
Charlton Heston: Noooooo, it’s people!!
[ all of three of them scream in horror ]
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: I have to be totally honest – that didn’t give me a chill at all.
Jeremy Hoffman: Uh-huh.. After that, we tried a comedy called “Soylent Stooges”. I don’t even want to discuss that one.
Mabel Blaster: Well, where next for the Soylent pictures?
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, we’ve decided to go back to what got us here in the first place, Mabel. We just finished production on “Soylent Green II”, and I think we have a clip, Mabel..
[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is still made out of people! They didn’t change the recipe like they said they were going to! It’s still people!!
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Now, that gave me goosebumps!
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah!
Mabel Blaster: Yeah! Thank you for joining us tonight, please stay tuned for “The Big Fat Stinking World of Nature”. I’m Mabel Blaster.
Announcer: They’ve entartained audiences for years, and now PioneerRecords is proud to present the song stylings of Eager and Jones. They’renot gay, but they sing as if they were! Here them sing!
[ SUPER: “Where Is The Love” ]
Eager: [ singing ] “Where is the love you said you’d give to me?”
Jones: [ singing ] “As soon as you were free was it up to me?”
Together: “Where is the love?”
[ SUPER: “Solid As A Rock” ]
“Solid! Solid as a rock. That’s what this love is And the feeling’s so hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!”
[ SUPER: “Wedding Bell Blues” ]
Bill! I love you so and I always will”
Eager: I look at you and see the passion I’ll find someday.”
Jones: Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?”
Together: “Won’t you marry me, Bill?”
Announcer: Jerome Eager and Tad Jones: two of the greatest voices inthe world, and two of the straightest guys you’d ever want to meet, singyour favorite songs of love as if they were gay. But that’s not all, becausethey also sing solo songs as if they were gay! Including:
[ SUPER: “It Must Be Him” ]
Eager: [ singing ] “It must be him, it must be him Oh dear God, it must be him Or I would die Yes, I will die”
[ SUPER: “He Touched Me” ]
Jones: [ singing ] “He touched me! He touched me! And nothing, nothing is the same!”
Announcer: And, if you order now, you’ll recieve, as an additionalbonus, this limited Eager and Jones collection: “Songs As If They Were Really,Really Gay.”
Eager: [ singing ] “Let’s get it on!”
Jones: “Oh baby!”
Eager: “Let’s get it on!“
Jones: “Let’s love, sugar!”
Announcer: Eager and Jones. They’re hot, but not for each other!To order, call 1-600-AS-IF-GAY, and get yours today.
Jones: We hope you enjoy our music.
Eager: We know our wives will.
[ SUPER: “Do That To Me One More Time” ]
Together: [ singing ] “Do that to me one more time Once is never enough with a man like you!”
[ they lean close as if they’re about to kiss, then turn their heads to thecamera and smile, shake their heads no, and continue to sing ]
Jack Handey V/O: If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.
Rabbit Magician….Chris Rock Saw Magician….Tim Meadows Assistant….Ellen Cleghorne
Announcer: Yo’! Whassup?! Stay tuned after Russell Simmons’s Def Comedy Jam for Russell Simmons’s Def Magic Show Jam!
[A guy in an loud urban ghetto costume is at the Apollo Theater in Harlem performing his magic act to a large black audience]
Rabbit Magician: Yeah, you muthafuckas don’t think I got a muthafuckin’ rabbit in this hat! Right?! I know you muthafucka’s don’t think I got a muthafuckin’ rabbit in this hat! Right?! You niggas want to see a muthafuckin’ rabbit? Cause as soon as I pull out this muthafuckin’ rabbit, ya’ll can kiss my muthafuckin’ ass! [black audience laugh hysterically, pump their fists up, jump from the seats] Now, here we go! Abraca–muthafuckin’–dabra! [pulls out a rabbit from the hat] See, I told ya’! I told ya’! I told y’all I had a muthafuckin’ rabbit! [black audience jump up and down laughing like crazy] That’s right!
Announcer: Moses Malone says: “That is some fucked up magic show!”
[A black magician with a saw on his hand and a red cape orders his assistant to get in the box he’ll be sawing her in half in.]
Saw Magician: Get in the muthafuckin’ box bitch!
Assistant: You get in the muthafuckin’ box!
Saw Magician: Hey, don’t fuck with me bitch!
Assistant: All right. But if you cut me, I’m gonna fuck you up!
Saw Magician: Shit, I cut your fat ass in half and keep the half with the pussy cause the other half talks too muthafuckin’ much!
[Black audience roars with laughter, they jump, cackle, scream, pump their fists]
[Saw Magician chases his assistant around the sawing box]
Announcer: Russell Simmon’s Def Magic Show Jam! Coming up on muthafuckin’ HBO! Boy-y-y-y-y!!!!
Announcer: They’ve entartained audiences for years, and now PioneerRecords is proud to present the song stylings of Eager and Jones. They’renot gay, but they sing as if they were! Here them sing!
[ SUPER: “Where Is The Love” ]
Eager: [ singing ] “Where is the love you said you’d give to me?”
Jones: [ singing ] “As soon as you were free was it up to me?”
Together: “Where is the love?”
[ SUPER: “Solid As A Rock” ]
“Solid! Solid as a rock. That’s what this love is And the feeling’s so hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!”
[ SUPER: “Wedding Bell Blues” ]
Bill! I love you so and I always will”
Eager: I look at you and see the passion I’ll find someday.”
Jones: Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?”
Together: “Won’t you marry me, Bill?”
Announcer: Jerome Eager and Tad Jones: two of the greatest voices inthe world, and two of the straightest guys you’d ever want to meet, singyour favorite songs of love as if they were gay. But that’s not all, becausethey also sing solo songs as if they were gay! Including:
[ SUPER: “It Must Be Him” ]
Eager: [ singing ] “It must be him, it must be him Oh dear God, it must be him Or I would die Yes, I will die”
[ SUPER: “He Touched Me” ]
Jones: [ singing ] “He touched me! He touched me! And nothing, nothing is the same!”
Announcer: And, if you order now, you’ll recieve, as an additionalbonus, this limited Eager and Jones collection: “Songs As If They Were Really,Really Gay.”
Eager: [ singing ] “Let’s get it on!”
Jones: “Oh baby!”
Eager: “Let’s get it on!“
Jones: “Let’s love, sugar!”
Announcer: Eager and Jones. They’re hot, but not for each other!To order, call 1-600-AS-IF-GAY, and get yours today.
Jones: We hope you enjoy our music.
Eager: We know our wives will.
[ SUPER: “Do That To Me One More Time” ]
Together: [ singing ] “Do that to me one more time Once is never enough with a man like you!”
[ they lean close as if they’re about to kiss, then turn their heads to thecamera and smile, shake their heads no, and continue to sing ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 10th, 1993 Jason Alexander Peter Gabriel None Lorne Michaels Warren Hutcherson Clinton-Yeltsin SummitSummary: President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) makes an indecent proposal to Boris Yeltisn (Chris Farley) – $1.6 billion in foreign aid for one night with Naina Yeltsin (Julia Sweeney). Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, George Stephanopolous.
Montage
Jason Alexander’s MonologueSummary: Broadway veteran Jason Alexander wants to put on an old-time showstopping musical number for the audience, but SNL’s low production values only allow him to hover from a string as the clouds fly past him.
Jiffy ExpressSummary: The couriers at Jiffy Express can backdate packages in order to shift the blame from lazy senders. Note: Repeat from 10/24/92.
Woody Allen Fan ClubSummary: The members (Jason Alexander, Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Rob Smigel) of the Woody Allen Fan Club meet to discuss their idol’s personal trouble and legal mishaps.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders the idea that laughter is the best medicine. Transcript
Hub’s GyrosSummary: A patron (Jason Alexander) wants more juice for his gyro, sparking intense interest from the staff at Hub’s Gyros. Recurring Characters: Hub, Helios. Transcript
Peter Gabriel performs “Steam”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Bennett Brauer (Chris Farley) uses quotes-signs while describing his offbeat personality to the audience. Recurring Characters: Bennett Brauer.
Food Union Break RoomSummary: Mark’s (Jason Alexander) quest to introduce a break room sanctuary to new hire Andy (Rob Schneider) proves fruitless, as their privacy is invaded by a customer (Julia Sweeney), their manager (Phil Hartman), and co-worker Canteen Boy (Adam Sandler). Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy. Transcript
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey expresses a single wish for when Earth is conquered by the Martians. Transcript
Mr. DeAngeloSummary: Mob boss Mr. DeAngelo (Jason Alexander) talks tough to Marcus (Tim Meadows), the punk who crossed him, when his henchmen (Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon) hold him down, but the roles are reversed once the strongarms let go.
Ignorant ProposalSummary: In the black version of “Indecent Proposal”, the high stakes are lowered accordingly. Recurring Characters: Billy Dee Williams, Eddie Murphy.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders what frightens ants the most.
Tales of IronySummary: Three ironic tales bear little to no irony whatsoever.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders the lifelessness of the desert. Transcript
Peter Gabriel performs “In Your Eyes”
Black Co-WorkersSummary: Jeff (Jason Alexander) runs into more and more trouble when he continually confuses his black co-workers for one another. Transcript
Air Date:
