Category: 1993

Matt Foley: Motivational Santa

Store Manager…..Phil Hartman
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
Mother…..Sally Field

[ open on Mall interior, Santa Claus display – Store Manager addresses a line of excited kids ]

Store Manager: Okay, kids, Santa is coming! But first I want everyone’s attention. This year, we’re gonna do things differently at the mall. We’re all a little concerned by the way young people in this town have been turning out. That’s why, today, we’ve got a very special Santa Claus for you. Now, he’s been downstairs in the Ovanpon driniking espresso for the last four hours. So let’s give Santa nie warm welcome!

[ kids cheer ]

Matt Foley: [ approaches, dressed sloppily as Santa Claus ] Ho, ho, ho, ho! Now, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Santa. Let me tell you a little bit about myself, so that you’ll know where I’m coming from. First, off, I am 35 years old, I am thrice-divorced, and I live at the North Pole in a van down by the river!Kid: [ steps up ] I want a Super-Morphing Power Ranger! I want a Power Ranger!

Matt Foley: Well, you do, do ya?

Mother: [ tags behind her Kid ] My son Jason is just crazy about that show! [ smiles ]

Matt Foley: Well, whoop-de-freaking-do! It’s all about presents to you kids, isn’t it? You all wanna wake up Christmas morning, run down to the tree at light-speed, grab the biggest package that you see, tear it open, you pop it open, and you pull out a dream come true! Well, I got news for you kids. In the real world, you hang up a stocking, the next morning you find it filled to the brim with jack squat! You know why? [ picks up Kid ] Because there is no such thing as Santa Claus!

Mother: Sir! Sir, you’re ruining Christmas for all of the kids! They love Santa!

Matt Foley: Mom, I wish you could be Santa’s little helper, an shut your little cakehole! Heck, everybody wants a merry holly, jolly Christmas! Hey, look at me, I’m covered in elf dust! [ dances ] Yee-hoo! A rump-a-bom-bom!

Kid: [ angry ] You don’t even look like Santa Claus! That’s a fake beard, and you’re way too fat!

Matt Foley: [ to his elf ] My golly.. hey, Rudolph, help me out here, I can’t see too good. We got some kind of detective over there! Is that Ben Matlock?

Mother: Now, wait, you leave my son alone! Please!

Matt Foley: Hey, you know what? I think it’s time for ol’ Matt to tell you all a little story! Gather ’round, please. [ sits down in Santa chair, as the kids gather around him ] Alrighty here.. let’s see.. [ reads ]

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van
Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep behind the can.
His children were nestled two time zones away,
With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A.
Matt woke up and realzied with a chill and a quiver
That he was living in a van down by the river!“

[ drops book ]

Store Manager: [ intercedes ] You are scaring people! Now, you’d better start acting like Santa Claus right now, or we’re not gonna pay you the other $45! End of story!

Matt Foley: [ chuckles ] He-ey, kids.. you know what? Santa’s got a ittle treat for ya! You kids, I’m gonna slide down that tree and give presents to everybody. How do ya like them apples? [ kids cheer ] Alrighty! Ol’ Matt’s gonna prove that with a little PMA – Positive Mental Attitude – you can do just about anything! [ climbs to top of chimney ] You gotta reach behind your grasp! Now, a lot of times, what you kids are gonna wanna do.. [ crashes through chimney, and falls on his face, tree falls over on him ]

Store Manager: Listen, Matt.. you’re gonna have to pay for these damages!

Matt Foley: Well, that’s no problemo. Just send the bill to Matt Foley, care of Van Down By The River!
[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Sally Field’s Monologue

…..Sally Field
Burt Reynolds…..Phil Hartman
…..Chris Farley

Sally Field: Thank you! Thank you very, very much! It’s wonderful to be here, it’s been a great year for me. I’m in a big hit movie – “Mrs. Doubtfire”.. and here I am hosting the Christmas show of “Saturday Night Live”.

Now, when they asked me to host the show, I have to admit I was a little relunctant. As you know, this show loves to get its host up here and make fun of the things they’ve done a long time ago. Now, the first thing I did was lay down some ground rules. To start with, there’s “The Flying Nun”, well.. it was a great show. [ show fans in audience dressed as nuns ] I had a lot of fun doing it, but I told them I didn’t want to do any sketches tonight about “The Flying Nun”. [ fans dressed as nuns scowl, stand up, and leave studio disappointed ]

Also, although I enjoyed doing “Gidget”, uh. and it was a great show and a great experience.. [ show fans in audience dressed in beachwear ] Yes, it certainly did launch my career.. I’m not going to do any sketches tonight about “Gidget”. [ fans dressed in beachwear scowl, stand up, and leave studio disappointed, revealing Chris Farley alone in the audience ]

And, of course, “Smokey & The Bandit” was a great film – a groundbreaking film. Lord knows without it there couldn’t have been a “Cannonball Run”. But there will be no sketches tonight about “Smokey & The Bandit”. [ show Burt Reynolds in the audience. He stands up, prepared to leave, but changes his mind and stays instead ]
I told them, “If you want to make fun of something, make fun of ‘Cybil’.” It was a movie I did where I play a girl with 16 separate personalities. For soem reason, I’m always happy to make fun of crazy people! [ Burt stands up again, and leaves for good this time, Chris Farley now completely alone in the audience ] Well.. at least there’s one person left. Why didn’t you leave like everyone else?

Chris Farley: [ stands ] Because I like you. I really, really like you!

Sally Field: He likes me! He really, really likes me! That’s good enough for me! We have a great show – Tony! Toni! Tone! is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back! Burt, I was just kidding!

SNL Transcripts

Adam Sandler’s Christmas Song

…..Adam Sandler

[ open on Adam Sandler at center stage with a guitar ]

Adam Sandler: Well, it’s the holiday season, and Santa is checking his list to see who is naughty or nice, and I’m feeling kinda guilty, so I wrote a song:

[ singing ]
“So many presents,
so little time.
Santa won’t be coming by my house this year
‘Cause I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear.
Oh Mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don’t like bad boys.
Especially Jewish ones!

Gnip Gnop and lego blocks are what I desire
So why did I have to set the pizza guy’s hair on fire?
I told him I was sorry – I’m a liar,
So no toys for me
I don’t deserve them!

I couldn’t wait for a Big Wheel as the holiday neared,
But then I told my Grandma that she had a beard.”

[ spoken interlude ]

Dear Santa: You know what my problem is? Why I can’t be good? It’s a fear of intimacy. You see, my whole life, whenever I met someone really great like you, and I keep feeling I’m getting too close to them, something inside of me makes me want to screw it up. So in a weird way, the reason I’m so bad is because I love you so much, Santa.

[ singing ]
“Rock ’em Sock’ em Robots is what I was hoping for,
But then I made a death threat to Vice-President Gore,
Oh, Santa won’t be knocking at my door
‘Cause he’s a big fat whore!
What made me say that?!

Chutes and Ladders would be so good indeed,
So why did I have to sell that cop a bag of weed?
So Santa, please give me my Easy-Bake oven,
I swear I thought Billy Goats were made for lovin’.

So Santa, won’t you accept my apologies?
Santa, can’t you see, I’m begging you please?
Oh Santa, next year I’ll do you right,
Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

White Diamonds Perfume

Von Rye…..Phil Hartman
Card Player…..Mike Myers
Elizabeth Taylor…..Sally Field

Announcer: Elizabeth Taylor.. for White Diamonds.

[ open on Von Rye challenging a Card Player at the table ]

Von Rye: ..And I raise you.

Card Player: I.. am afraid I’m a little short.

Von Rye: [ sinister laugh ]

[ Elizabeth Taylor enters the room ]

Elizabeth Taylor: Not so fast, von Rye.

Von Rye: [ stunned ] Elizabeth Taylor! It’s you!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] It’s been a long time.

Von Rye: I can’t believe it. You haven’t changed in twenty years!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] You flatter me!

Von Rye: You’re a vision! Those clear, violet eyes.. those cheekbones.. My God, but you’re lovely!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] These.. have always brought me luck! [ holds up a diamond earring ]

Von Rye: It’s flawless.

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus ] Yes. Three carats.

Von Rye: No. I meant your skin. Are you some kind of sorceress? Have you discovered some new fountain of youth?!

Elizabeth Taylor: [ out of focus, laughs ]

[ dissolve to product on table ]

Announcer: White Diamonds. The intriguing new fragrance from Elizabeth Taylor.

[ out of focus Elizabeth stands behind product ]

Elizabeth Taylor: There’s nothing in the word.. as timeless.. as.. [ breathy ] White Diamonds.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
David Dinkins…..Tim Meadow

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon

President Clinton pulled a muscle in his back this week. He was given painkillers by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, who suggested taking two legalzied drugs every six hours while listening to the complete works of Pink Floyd.

Clinton’s doctors confirmed that the pain in the President’s back was a charley horse. They said if the pain was any lower, they would have called it a Ross Perot.

Later, President Clinton said that, while he did put some painkillers in his mouth, he never swallowed.

And, during a Chanukkah celebration this week, President Clinton wanred children: “Shhh! Don’t tell anyone I’m Jewish!”

Although this weeks repairs to the Hubble telescope were successful, the cost of sending NASA’s astronauts to make the repair was phenomenal. So, next time President Clinton feels he may just hire a couple of Mexican astronauts to do it at half-price.

Well, Xerox executives got in the Christmas spirit this week, by hanging mistletoe over the time clocks so 10,000 employees could kiss their jobs goodbye.

Kevin Nealon: Now, with a final message to New York, the honorable Mayor David Dinkins. Mayor?

Mayor David Dinkins: Thank you, Mr. Nealon. Now, first of all, I’d like to wish everyone across this great nation a happy holiday, and also a prosperous New Year. Now, I know that this is a national TV show, so I’d like to ask everyone else to just be patient for a moment while I address my fellow New Yorkers. Since this is the last broadcast of “Saturday Night Live” of this calendar year, this is the last time I’ll be able to speak to the city. Because after January 1st, 1994, I will no longer be Mayor of New York, because you voted me out of office. So I’d like to address the City of New York. Can you get closer?

[ camera zooms in, as the lights go dim, creepy music plays, and a scowl grows on Dinkins’ face ]

I’ll get you for this! You hear me? You messed with the wrong man! And don’t think you can hide, ’cause you can’t! Everywhere you go, I’ll be waiting! Because I’m the King of the Night! Let me give you a little scenario: you’ll be walking down the street alone, and suddenly you’ll feel something behind you! Is it your imagination? Or is it me, David Dinkins, lurking in the shadows, dressed in my black, skintight jumpsuit? I may be old, but I move like a cat! And this cat bites, baby! [ hisses ] I’ve got a highly-trained sense of smell, and night vision like that of an owl! And powers beyond that of a mortal man! And I’ll get you! So, have a happy New Year, New York! And, remember – January 1st, you are mine! Back to you, Mr. Nealon.

[ camera zooms out, lights reappear ]

Kevin Nealon: Mayor Dinkins, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Mayor. Hey, I voted for the guy.

A survey showed that 63% of all shopping mall Santas have college degrees. It also showed that they’re not doing it for money, but using the disguise to hide from student loan officers.

Ted Turner has purchased the rights to the once-too-often-rerun film “It’s A Wonderful Life”, and is limiting the number of broadcasts to three this holiday season. Since the announcement, letters have been pouring in, urging Turner to buy the rights to the Tony Little infomercial.

And more bad news for Michael Jackson this week, when former friend and companion Bubbles the Chimp revealed that he was actually a 12-year-old boy paid by Jackson to live in a monkey costume.

Video game companies are reportedly getting ready to “rate” video games for violence, sex and profanity. The move comes after the controversial release of Nintendo’s Long Dong Donkey Kong.

And finally, Lorena Bobbitt was arrested again this week, for attacking Frosty the Snowman and cutting off his carrot.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 8th, 1994

Jason Patric

Blind Melon

Richard Simmons

Andrew Giuliani Acts Up

Recurring Characters: Rudolph Guiliani, Andrew Guiliani.

Jason Patric’s Monologue

The NFL on Fox

The Road To Self-Improvement

Don LaPre (David Spade) invents word abbreviations to move through life quicker.

Blind Melon performs “No Rain”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Mister Intense

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Where’s The Rest Of Me?

Hand model Fabrice (Patric) loses finger in accident, searches for will to live.

Blind Melon performs “Paper Scratcher”

Herlihy Boy Dog Sitting Service

Recurring Characters: Mr. O’Malley.

Ski Lift

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
…..Richard Simmons

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. The big news is that I Linda Richman, saw Barbra Joan Streisand in concert in Las Vegas, Nevada. She was so beautiful, and her voice was like buttah. But wait, it gets better. She invited me on stage. Hand to God, I was on stage with Barbra Streisand. It was just like when Merv Griffin used to invite Mrs. Miller up from the audience. Now I’m getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: a Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master. Discuss! There I feel better. Let’s go the phones. The number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk, no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Linda. You saw Barbra in Vegas. Did you do any gambling?

Linda Richman: Are you kidding? I played the slots so much I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome. I can’t even open a door. I was hoping that Robert Redford would offer me a million dollars but instead a dry cleaner from Newark asked me to move over. Evidently I put on some weight. I’ve been trying so hard. I’m at my wit’s end. (doorbell rings) Who is it?

Voice of Richard Simmons: It’s me Richard Simmons!

Linda Richman: Richard Simmons, Come in I love you!

[ Richard Simmons runs onto the set ]

Richard Simmons: Linda you look wonderful.

Linda Richman: Start!

Richard Simmons: Linda I’m so jealous. You were on stage with Barbra Streisand. What was she like?

Linda Richman: Oy God. She’s a pistil in my scheinel ponnum. A scheina cup. Mitin drinin dura hommelginnum homelmitzvah etzel betzel tookel hyam yenkel sem out my kyahh.

Richard Simmons: That’s what I thought.

Linda Richman: Exactly.

Richard Simmons: Linda, that’s not the only reason I came to visit you. I thought you looked so beautiful on that stage.

Linda Richman: Thank you Richard.

Richard Simmons: And it makes me so verklempt to see those extra pounds under those cute little pants.

Linda Richman: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Richard Simmons: Linda, look at me. Be honest. It’s you holding the fork.

Linda Richman: Richard, you have ibbaboodled in the cappie.

Richard Simmons: Linda you know I’m right.

Linda Richman: You’re right Richard. Please help me.

Richard Simmons: You know I’ve sold a lot of Deal-a-Meals, and helped people. So I made a deal that is more motivating to you. Deal-a-Streisand.

Linda Richman: Deal-a-Streisand?

Richard Simmons: (sings) Linda can you hear me? Linda can you hear me?

Linda Richman: Anything please just help me.

Richard Simmons: (sings) I’ll show you how to live not eating candy you’ll be a ball of buttah. Just turn the card around and use them now.

Linda Richman: Can I still eat Italian?

Richard Simmons: (sings) People. People who eat pizza have the highest cholestrol in the world.

Linda Richman: What about dessert?

Richard Simmons: Dessert? (sings) I can’t bring you blincent anymore!

Linda Richman: I’ve been eating so many desserts. I feel a little guilty.

Richard Simmons: There’s nothing to be guilty of.

Linda Richman: I just remember when I couldn’t eat anything. Anything.

Richard Simmons: (sings) Memories. Wipe the cream off Apple Pie. Don’t need those extra calories. Kiss the fat goodbye.

Linda Richman: Thank you Richard you made me feel so much better.

Richard Simmons: But Linda remember something: (sings) Happy days are here again. The sky above is clear again. So let’s sing a song about happy thighs.

Linda Richman: Boom Boom Boom.

Richard Simmons: Happy Tooshes.

Linda Richman: Boom Boom Boom.

Richard Simmons: Happy neck.

Both: Boom Boom Boom. Happy days are here again.

Linda Richman: That’s all the time we have. Thank you Richard.

Both: Barbra, we love you!

(scene fades)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 10

93j: Jason Patric / Blind Melon

The Road To Self-Improvement

Don LaPre….David Spade
Kevin….Jason Patric
Mark….Tim Meadows
White Girl….Melanie Hutsell
Black Girl….Ellen Cleghorne
Overweight kid….Chris Farley
Death Row Inmate….Phil Hartman

Caption: The following program is a paid advertisementbut if you think it’s a real show then who’s to sayyou’re wrong. Go with your instincts and don’t letanyone tell you what a “real” show is.

[Pleasant music theme. Don LaPre is enthusiaticallytalking with his friend Kevin in a homely kitchen overcoffee]

Announcer: And now it’s time to journey down The Roadto Self Improvement with your host Don LaPre.

Don LaPre: Hi, I’m Don LaPre and I have a question foryou. Do you find that sometimes there’s not enoughhours in the day to do all the things you want?

[Kevin is kinda slow]

Kevin: Yes, sometimes but not that often cause I don’t have a job.

Don LaPre: Well, in general, don’t you think it’s safeto say that most people run into a time-constraintproblem sometime in their lives?

Kevin: Yeah, sure.

Don LaPre: That’s right. And it’s easy to fix. It’seasy to do. With my system you’ll save so much timesoon you’ll be saying ‘Airport, Shmairport’.

Kevin: Why–why would I say that?

Don LaPre: You know, like, if you were late for theairport and you didn’t care because you wouldn’t belate for the airport or anything else in life becauseyou’ll have so much extra time.

Kevin: That sounds great. What do I do?

Don LaPre: Slow down, Kevin. Tell me something, if youwere walking down the street and you saw a door with asign on that said, “Behind this door lies wealth,fortune and happiness”. Would you want a key to thatdoor?

Kevin: Sure.

Don LaPre: But what if there wasn’t a lock on thatdoor and yet it still wouldn’t open. What would you do then?

Kevin:[unsure]Uh,I’d try to open it?

Don LaPre: But what if you didn’t even know the doorexisted?[blank look on Kevin]Ok,I’m losing you. Forgetthat. There is a door and I’m the key to opening it.Isn’t it exciting? My system in saving time is easy tofollow. Anyone can do it.

Kevin: But I’m mildly retarted.

Don LaPre: So am I. So are most people. It doesn’tmatter. My system is easy to use because all you do isabbreviate or shorten the words that you use in everyday life.

Kevin: I still don’t follow.

Don LaPre: Ok, I’ll slow down. Let’s say I used thissentence. “Hey, ‘Kev’. I just got back from my ‘vacay’in Hawaii and I’m feeling a bit under the ‘weath’ soI’ll fill you with the ‘detes’ later”. Now how longdid it take me to say that?

[Kevin looks for a second to his watch]

Kevin: 11 seconds.

Don LaPre: Exactly. Because I shortened the words.Saying it the old-fashioned-way would’ve taken upto…14 seconds. But if you talk my way all the timeyou’ll have extra hours at night to study, read orenjoy your favorite cd. It’s that simple.

Kevin: But this system may take years to learn.Shortening words? I’m still confused.

Don LaPre: Don’t change the ‘sub’. I’m here to tellyou this system is incred-ible.

Kevin: Ohh, I see. At first I was having a little’troub’ but now I get it.

Don LaPre: Hey, slow down, Kevin. Don’t turn the’tabes’ on me. It’s still my show.[Forcedlaughter]Kevin, once you paid and listened to all ofthe 5 tapes of this system you’ll be able to ‘abbrev’any words in your ‘vocab’. Watch.

[Cut to suave, handsome black guy in a gym]

Mark: Not only does shortening words saves time but itmakes the ladies ‘H to T’–Hot to Trot. Watch this,Don.[A black girl and a white girl appear. Don holdsthem one on each arm]Hey, ladies. Did you hear the newDoobie Brothers album went ‘Quad Plat’?

Black Girl: Ooohhh. He means quadruple platinum.

Mark: Yeah, you know, I used to have a girlfriend in’Calif’ but I couldn’t handle a long ‘d-relath’.

White Girl: You’re as cool as they come, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, come on ladies. We’re ‘hist’.

[Back to Don, Kevin holds up cup]

Kevin: I’m sold.

Don LaPre: And mom, the kids will love it!

[Cut to overweight kid in a park]

Overweight kid: Supercalifragilisticexpialidoch—-hahahahaha, I’mgonna use my extra time to play Legos! Yay!

[Back to Don]

Kevin: But I don’t know how to play Lego.

Don LaPre: It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to knowhow to play Lego. You can spend you’re extra timedoing anything you want. Look.

[Cut to death row inmate in prison]

Death Row Inmate: Next month I’m gonna be executed by’Leth Injects’. So every minute counts. Thanks, Don.And by the way, ‘Airport Schmairport’.

[Back to Don who gives a thumbs up]

Kevin: Don, I don’t see how anyone can pass up thisamazing system. It sells itself.

Don LaPre: Well Kev, unfortunately it doesn’t. Sofolks, make a call to the number on your screen andI’ll se you again tomorrow night at 2 a.m. Buh-bye.

[Don gives a thumbs up and keeps talking to Kevin]

[Pleasant theme music]

Caption: The Road to Self Improvement. $49.95 for 5tapes. 1-600-Sav-Time.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Trent Markham, Lung Doctor

Dr. Trent Markham…..Phil Hartman
Dick…..Christian Slater
Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Nurse…..Ellen Cleghorne

Announcer: [ ovr SUPER ] The following award-winning medical drama was first broadcast in 1951. Before Quincy, before Marcus Welby, before Dr. Kildare, there was..

[ show title card ]

“Trent Markham, Lung Doctor”!

[ dissolve to scene in hospital room, close-up on an athletic photo of Dick in action, surrounded by ashtrays filled with used cigarettes ]

[ camera pans over to reveal Dick cooped up in bed, his wife by his side puffing away on a cigarette ]

Dick: Ohh, darling, I can’t tell you what it does for me to have you by my side.

Wife: [ sighs ] I just wish there was more I could do, darling.

Dick: No, I’m in good hands, they say Dr. Markham is the best lung doctor in the business.

[ music cues up ]

Dr. Trent Markham: Dick?

Dick: Yes, Doctor.

Dr. Trent Markham: [ a pause ] Maybe you’d better have a cigarette before I go any further.

Wife: Oh, darling, I forgot – I brought your lucky silver lighter! [ pulls out the lighter ]

Dick: Is it really that bad? Oh, darling, what would I do without you? [ Julia Sweeney fumbles to light Christian Slater’s cigarette ] Probably.. light my own cigarette. [ the cigarette is finally lit ] Give it to me straight, Doc!

Dr. Trent Markham: Dick, there’s no way around it. Somehow, you’ve contracted.. Lung Fever!

Wife: Why? Why him?!

Dick: Doctor! Do you have any idea how this could have happened?

Dr. Trent Markham: All we know is that, somehow, the Lung Fever germ got into your system. It could have been from something you ate, something you drank.. even from shaking the hand of a stranger with Lung Fever!

Dick: Does this mean I.. I won’t be able to run the big marathon?

Dr. Trent Markham: It’s too early.. it’s too early to tell.

Wife: [ between tears ] What difference does it make..? So what if you win another trophy, another silver cup to stick up on the mantlepiece, to put your cigarettes in?! We’re talking about your life here!

Dr. Trent Markham: Megan.. may I have a word with you?

Wife: Please excuse us, darling.

[ they step aside ]

Dr. Trent Markham: [ solemn ] I’m afraid I’ve done all I can. [ sighs ] God knows how many nights I’ve stayed up – drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes.. reading the medical journals, trying to find the answer to this Lung Fever riddle! [ a beat ] Now it’s in the Lord’s hands.

Wife: There’s something else, Doctor.. [ gulps ] I’m going to have Dick’s baby!

Dr. Trent Markham: Well, congratulations! Here. [ hands her a cigarette ] Allow me. [ lights her cigarette ] Take a big puff – you’re smoking for two now!

[ smoking Nurse enters with a cart full of cigarette accessories ]

Nurse: Clean ashtrays! [ collects Dick’s dirty ashtrays and replaces them with clean ones ] Cigarette holder?

Dick: Uh.. thank you.. you’re very kind.

Dr. Trent Markham: Nurse!

Nurse: Yes, Dr. Markham?

Dr. Trent Markham: Do you distribute cigarette holders to other patients of this ward?

Nurse: Yes, Dr. Markham.. if they want them.

Dr. Trent Markham: And are these cigarette holders sterilized at high temperatures after each use?

Nurse: No, doctor.. we simply rinse them in cold water, and then polish them to look attractive.

Dr. Trent Markham: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Here’s your culprit!

Dick: [ shocked ] Dirty cigarette holders?!

Dr. Trent Markham: [ dramatic ] Dirty, Lung Fever-infested cigarette holders!

[ music sting ]

[ dissolve to product sponsor page ]

Anouncer: “Trent Markham, Lung Doctor” is brought to you by.. Lung King, disposable cigarette holders. Because germ-free smoking is worry-free smoking.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker

Dad…..Phil Hartman
Son #1…..Christian Slater
Daughter…..Melanie Hutsell
Son #2…..David Spade
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley

[ open on interior, living room – front door opens, as Dad follows histeenaged children inside ]

Dad: Alright, get in here, sit down. [ the kids sit down on thecouches ] Once again, I’ve got half the neighborhood calling mesaying that you’ve egged their homes, turned over their garbage, soakedtheir windows, teepeed their trees..

Ah, don’t worry, Dad. The other half’ll be calling soon! [ grins ]

Dad: Look, I don’t know what gets into you.. you kids.. but, for once, I’m not even gonna try to find out! This year I’ve planned ahead. I’ve asked someone to come by the house and straighten you out!

Son #1: Gee, Dad, you really didn’t have to go to all that trouble.

Daughter: Who is it?

Dad: His name is Matt Foley, and he’s a motivational speaker. Now, he’s been downstairs in the den eating No-Doze for about four hours! [ peeks his head into the next room ] Hey, Matt? Come on up, we’re ready for you!

Matt Foley: [ enters living room bouncing back and forth ] Thanks, Dad! I’ll take it from here! Well, well, well. Now, as your father told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker! Before I begin, I want to tell you a little about myself, so you’ll know where I’m coming from. First off, I am 35 years old.. I am thrice divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! [ approaches Son #2 ] We’ll start with you young man! Now, let me begin with an obvious question: Who threw the egg?

Son #2: I don’t know. But I can tell you what you had for lunch today – a chili dog. [ the teenagers laugh ] No, really, I don’t know.

Matt Foley: [ mimicking ] I.. don’t.. know! Well, that and a nickel will get you a hot cup of jack squat! Young lady, you want to throw in your two cents?

Daughter: No.

Matt Foley: Anybody? Oh, the silent treatment, huh? Well, well, well.. a few minutes ago you were all as lively as a bunch of fish laughing and giggling, throwing eggs around like a short-order cook at a truck stop!“Hey, man, look at me go, throwing eggs! I’m the Egg-Man, coo-coo-ca-choo! [ laughs ] That’s a riot, you kids are having a ball! Well, get over it! [ approaches Son #1 ] Now, what, may I ask, did you hope to accomplish by these shenanigans?

Son #1: Mt personal goal, Matt, was to get the eggs on the side of the house! [ grins ]

Matt Foley: [ laughs ] Well, well, the jokes keep on coming![ approaches Son #2 ] Help me out, young fella, I can’t see real good, is that Bob Hope over there? Huh? You keep it up, pal, there’s a big future in it! Kids, this reminds me of a spooky Halloween story. Dad, that’s your cue. [ Dad turns off the lights, and Matt shines a flashlight below his face ] Once, there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then, he threw the big game. Then, he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown out of the house, and then he moved into a van down by the river! Dad, lights! [ Dad turns the lights back on ]

Son #2: Matt, we were just having fun..

Matt Foley: So, you had fun? How do you think the eggs felt? Hey, let’s find out! I’ll be you, and you be the eggs! [ picks Son #2 up and spins him around the room ] “Hey, look at me! I’m gonna throw some eggs around!” [ trips and falls backwards onto the coffee table ]

Dad: [ interceding ] Alright, Matt, I think you made your point..

Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you’d sincerely do everyone a great service, and clam up! Now, as I see it, there is only one solution, and that is for me to transform this group of hooligans into a first-class clean-up crew! Don’t worry, kids, we’ll still have Halloween fun! [ retreats to the kitchen ] Who needs candy apples when you’ve got soapy water and a little elbow grease? [ returns with some mop buckets ] Everyone, grab a bucket! [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it, don’t worry about a thing – trick or treat! [ opens door and discovers a flaming bag on the porch ] Oh, my God! [ stomps the flame, smearing feces on the porch ] Oh, my God! Hot foot! Hot foot! [ stomps through the living room and trips on the window curtains ] Don’t worry about a thing, ol’ Matt has it under control! [ wipes his shoe with the curtain ] Looks like Fido had a little hand in this! [ trips again and crashes through the front window ] What are you looking at? I’ve done my job! If you need me, I’ll be extractingglass out of my rear end in a van down by the river!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts