Christian Slater: Thank you very much! Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting the Halloween show. Honestly, I just love Halloween, I think it’s the best holiday of the year. And, I know I’m a little bit old for this, but I’ve got a little uniform here.. [ puts on a pirate outfit ] Now, I don’t care. Let’s go out and trick-or-treat for a little while, okay? It’ll be great! I need my trick-or-treat bag. Let’s see what they have out here! [ runs down the hall ] Hey, Joe!
Joe Dicso: Yes, Christian?
Christian Slater: A little trick-or-treat?
Joe Dicso: I don’t really have anything, Christian.
Christian Slater: Come on, man, it’s Halloween. Trick-or-treat!
Joe Dicso: Uh.. how about some Tic-Tacs?
Christian Slater: [ excited ] Ah, that’s cool! Perfect!
Joe Dicso: A breath freshener? [ drops them in Christian’s pumpkin ]
Christian Slater: [ moving on ] Let’s see, who can I scare in these lovely hallowed halls? [ spots someone ] Hey! Boo! [ continues on, until he runs into Ellen Cleghorne being made up as Queen Shenequa ] Alrighty! Hey, come on! Trick-or-treat!
Ellen Cleghorne: Christian, please..
Christian Slater: Come on, trick-or-treat, I’m a pirate! Alright? give me something, or I’ll make you walk the plank!
Ellen Cleghorne: Here.. here.. take this. [ drops rubber nose in pumpkin ]
Christian Slater: Oh? It’s a rubber nose. There you go, thank you very much! [ continues down the hall, where he runs into David Spade and Tim Meadows ] Boo! Hey, how are you!
Alright, Christian, what’s up?
Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat!
David Spade: [ confused ] What?
Christian Slater: Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat! Here you go!
David Spade: I don’t think so.
Christian Slater: Come on, man! It’s my show! Trick-or-treat!
David Spade: [ sighs ] Well, uh.. you want some of this Coneheads merchandizing we have over here?
Christian Slater: Aw, cool, man! Alright, I love it! Action figures, too? That’s the coolest! Thanks! Thi is fantasic! [ moves on ]
[ cut to Lorne Michaels hitting on Linda Richman ]
Lorne Michaels: You’re very, very attractive, and –
Mike Myers; Lorne? It’s me.. Mike Myers.
Christian Slater: [ runs in ] Hey Lorne, trick-or-treat!
Lorne Michaels: Enough! Enough, okay? This is childish and unprofessional. Okay? We’ve got a show to do, it’s not the way we work here, okay?
[ Chris Farley enters wearing a huge pumpkin costume and carrying multiple bags of candy ]
Chris Farley: Hey, Lorne!! Trck-or-treat!!
Christian Slater: Oh, my God! Wow, Chris, where’d you get all this candy?
Chris Farley: The audience. Christian! They’re loaded with candy!
Christian Slater: Really?! Wow!
Chris Farley: Yeah, let’s go!
Christian Slater: Okay! Excellent! [ runs onstage with Chris ] We’ve got a great show! Smashing Pumpkins is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
Allen…..Christian Slater Cop #1…..Phil Hartman Store owner…..Rob Schneider Husband…..Kevin Nealon Wife…..Julia Sweeney Female Customer…..Melanie Hutsell Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows Male Customer #2…..Adam Sandler
[sign outside store reads Out of Africa- Primitive Art]
Husband: The pottery animals are really amazing.
Wife: I think theyre native American honey.
Owner: Thats right. Thats a Zuna Maracopa bird. It represents a beloved Zuni folk tale.Wife: What do you do with it?
Owner: Oh you put your weed in there.
Wife: Oh. [Nealon and Sweeney walk out of store]
Owner: Hi can I help you?
Female Customer: Um yeah, what is this?
Owner: Its a Katchina doll.
Female Customer: Whats that?
Owner: The hopi word katsina or katchina is used in 3 ways. It refers to spirit beings, the mass dancers who impersonate these beings, or the painted wooden figurines, which represent these dancers. The katchina was very important in the religious life of the ancient Pueblo people.
Female Customer: Wow thats fascinating.
Owner: Yeah and you put your weed in there. [points to inside of object]
Female Customer: Thanks. [walks away]
Male Customer #1: [approaches counter] How ya doin? Hey you sold me this thing last week.
Owner: Right, a Pafue funeral mask.
Male Customer #1: Yeah but I put my weed in there- cant get it out.
Owner: Woah I think you better talk to our customer service guy. Allen!
Allen: Hey what up man?
Owner: This guy cant get his weed out of there.
Allen: Let me take a look. Woah, no wonder, man its completely full of weed. How much weed did you put in there?
Male Customer #1: As much as itll hold.
Allen: You gotta use common sense. We always tell our customers: if you think you put too much weed in there, you probably did.
Owner: You were jamming weed in there like it had some kind of tantalese harvestyle, what did you expect?
Allen: Were gonna have to keep this overnight to get the weed out.
Male Customer #1: Ok thanks a lot.
Male Customer #2: [approaches Allen] Hey is this from Egypt?
Allen: Uh yeah, its an ancient scarab made by the Egyptians over 4,000 years ago.
Male Customer #2: What did they use it for?
Allen: Archaeologists dont really know, but I have a theory.
Male Customer #2: Whats that?
Allen: They put their weed in there.
Male Customer #2: Ok thanks man. [phone rings as Sandler walks away]
Owner: [answers phone] Hello?… Yeah Uh huh No you put you weed in there No problem [puts down phone]. [2 cops walk in]
Owner: [talking to Allen] Its ok, stay calm, just dont mention weed.
Allen: Dont mention weed.
Allen and Owner: [after pause] Weed! Weed!Cop #1: Whats that?
Allen and Owner: Nothin.
Cop #1: You called to report a theft.
Owner: Well yeah I did. Someone stole a jurajian ancestor figurine and it had something very valuable in it, but we cant tell you what it is.
Cop #1: Well why not? You want it back right?
Allen and Owner: No yes.Cop #1: You guys arent being very helpful.
Owner: Can I talk to you in private? [he walks over with cop #1] Look this whole place is full of weed and its all his. [points to Allen]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 19: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 13th, 1993 Rosie O’Donnell James Taylor None Dave Attell Tom Davis Fred Wolf Casey Kasem Cheryl Hardwick Tom Schiller Bernie Friedman The Packwood DiariesSummary: Sen. Bob Packwood (Phil Hartman) reflects on the women he’s harrassed that day. Transcript
Montage
Rosie O’Donnell’s MonologueSummary: Audience members confuse Rosie O’Donnell with other heavyset actresses. Also Hosted: 96i. Transcript
Frank Sinatra: DuetsSummary: Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) rushes through Duets sessions with musical artists below his ilk. Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Barbara Streisand, Meat Loaf, Liza Minnelli, Wynonna Judd, Kenny G., Tom Petty, Natalie Merchant, k.d. Lang, Bono. Transcript
Mexican StereotypeSummary: A Mexican stereotype (Rob Schneider) expresses his excitement for NAFTA.
Daily AffirmationSummary: Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) discusses marital woes with John (Mike Myers) and Lorena Bobbitt (Rosie O’Donnell). Recurring Characters: Stuart smalley, John Bobbitt. Transcript
Phil Hartman’s Real ViewsSummary: In response to the Mexican stereotype (Rob Schneider), Phil Hartman announces that he wants to stick it back to Mexico.
James Taylor performs “Memphis” & “Slap Leather”Also Performed: 76a, 78r, 79n, 87ia, 91i.
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Opera Man. Transcript
Forgetful WaiterSummary: An inept waiter (Kevin Nealon) is unable to memorize diners’ (Phil Hartman, Rosie O’Donnnell) orders.
The Tomboy & The SissySummary: Theresa the tomboy (Rosie O’Donnell) and Spencer the sissy (David Spade) form an unlikely alliance by helping one another with football and make-up woes.
James Taylor performs “Secret O’ Life”
The Malibu FiresSummary: Dick Clark’s receptionist (David Spade) keeps celebrities away from their fire-damaged homes. Recurring Characters: Dick Clark’s receptionist, Sean Penn, Charlton Heston.
Schiller’s ReelSummary: In Tom Schiller’s short film “Will Work For Food”, a tramp (Norm MacDonald) performs menial tasks for his employer (Tom Schiller) to earn food for his old man (Bernie Friedman). Transcript
HomegirlsSummary: Prep school girls (Julia Sweeney, Sarah Silverman) invite tough-talking homegirls (Rosie O’Donnell, Elen Cleghorne, Melanie Hutsell) to their party.
Rosie O’Donnell: I had a great time. I’d like to thank Casey Kasem and James Taylor! The incredible cast! The most unbelievable crew! Lorne Michaels! The writers! I had a blast, thank you very much! We’ll see you next time! Thanks to my friends for coming – I love you!
…..Rosie O’Donnell Female Audiene Member…..Sarah Silverman Male Audience Member #1…..Fred Wolf Male Audience Member #2…..Norm MacDonald Male Audience Member #3…..Tom Davis Male Audience Member #4…..Dave Attell
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Rosie O’Donnell!
Rosie O’Donnell: Thank you very much, thanks a lot! Thank you! Welcome to the show! What a thrill for me to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Really! It’s, uh.. such a joy.. especially here in New York City, and I don’t know if you know, but I’m From New York! [ audience breaks into applause ] In fac, I just moved back here from Los Angeles, last week, so uh.. I’ve been out there, about eight years. I’ve been lucky, you know? I had a ltitle moderate success in the “film business”. A couple movies, I don’t know if you saw ’em.. the first film I did was called “A League Of Their Own” with, uh.. [ audience breaks into thunderous obligatory applause ] Ohh! Aw, that’s so nice of you! That’s great! Yeah, it did well.. I think it made, like, $200 million or something – it was nuts! You know? It’s crazy. And then I had another film – “Sleepless In Seattle”. [ audience again breaks into thunderous obligatory applause ] Oh, you saw- you saw that one! Yeah.. it was, uh.. also made, like, $200 million – it’s crazy!! The money.. they make with movies now.. I just wrapped “The Flintstones”, too, which I’m gonna be, uh.. [ audience again erupts into applause ] Oh, you’re excited aout?! That’s so nice! I mean, who the heck knows – maybe $300 million! You know, you can’t predict!
But, the thing is – big money, big success.. you gotta have a change That’s the thing- [ her cellphone rings ] Could you hold on a second? One minute! [ answers cellphone ] Hello. Oh, hey Mo. Yeah, hold on! [ covers mouthpiece ] It’s Madonna! She’s claling from Istanbul – she’s touring. She gets so nervous. [ returns to phone call ] Hello? Yeah, hi! No, no.. it’s not a bit, it’s fine! Well.. I told you, I’d open ewith “Holiday”.. go into “Like A Virgin”.. right. And then, do the dance mix of “Erotica”. Okay. Yea,h great! Yeah. I-I gotta go.. Yeah, I love you, too! Okay. I sure will. Alright. [ hanhgs up ] She said to say hello to all you people! She’s crazy like that.
But, lately, I’ve been so busy – as I said – doing films, that I don’t get a hcance to do this. You know, with the people, the real people. So.. I thought, heck, I’d just take the time from my monologue and answer soem questions.. that you might have about my success and my career, my life.. whatever. [ sees a woman standing in the audience ] Yes?
Female Audience Member: I think you’re great – I love you!
Rosie O’Donnell: Oh! That’s so nice! Thank you so much!
Female Audience Member: Are you gonna be doing any solo albums, now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?
Rosie O’Donnell: I, uh.. I wasn’t in Wilson Phillips. That was.. that’s Carnie Wilson, I believe, that you’re thinking about. Yeah, thanks! [ sees a man stand in the audience ] Oh, here’s a question, right here. Yes?
Male Audience Member #1: Yeah. “Roseanne”‘s a great show – do you like working with John Goodman every week?
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s Roseannae Arnold. I’m Rosie O’Donnell. [ acknowledges another male audience member ] Yes.. sir. What about you?
Male Audience Member #2: Yeahhh, uh.. “Designing Women”? It, uh.. it got really bad when you left!
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s Delta Burke.
Male Audience Member #3: Uh..
Rosie O’Donnell: [ acknowledges yet another male audience member ] Yeah?
Male Audience Member #3: Yeah. do you miss those girls from “Facts of Life”?
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s, um.. Mindy Cohn, actually, I think you’re thinking of. She played Natalie.
Male Audience Member #3: Oh. Well, uh.. you were great in “Misery”.
Rosie O’Donnell: That’s another actress, sir. [ acknowledges another male audience member ] Yeah?
Male Audience Member #4: You’re married to Richard Gere, right?
Rosie O’Donnell: [ laughing ] No, that’s Cindy Crawford! But people get us confused all the time! Yeah, no more questions – we don’t really have time for questions tonight, because uh.. we have a great show – and this guy thinks I look like Cindy Crawford! So.. James Taylor is here, he’s our musical guest. And we’ll be right back after this!
[ SUPER: (over Sen. Bob Packwood’s hands clutching a mini-recorder) “The Packwood Diaries” ]
[ Sen. Packwood raises the mini-recorder to his lips, and speaks into it ]
Sen. Packwood: Dear Diary: Today was a very productive day; the kind of day that makes being a U.S. Senator.. all worthwhile.
This morning, during a Committee hearing on health care for migrant workers, I was called to the floor for a vote on suspending most-favored-nation status to China. On the way, I found myself alone in an elevator with an attractive and shapely Senate page. I rubbed up against her, and then.. shoved my tongue down her throat. I think she liked it. I could tell, because her heart was pounding. As I cast my vote on the floor, I thought about how exciting it must be for a young woman barely my daughter’s age.. to have a U.S. Senator’s tongue down her throat. It made me realize.. what a responsibility this office really is.
After lunch, I chaired a subcommittee hearing on opening Japenese markets to American agricultural products. During the recess, I told a pretty blonde staffer that.. I wante to discuss her career down in the Senate basement; where I groped her breasts. I think she liked it; although she told me she felt sickened and humiliated. Just to be safe, I hinted that it might hurt her career if she told anyone. Then I stuck my tongue down her throat.
Later that evening, I spoke to a pro-choice women’s group. There’s.. nothing like a couple hundred women looking at you, in awe of your power as a U.S. senator, to.. to make you horny. Of course, many of the women were dogs and dikey-looking.. but, by then, I was drunk. I asked one of the women to drive me home, and on the way I groped her breasts and stuck my tongue down her throat. She begged me to stop, but I think it was just because she was driving. By the time I got home, Gretchen and the kids were asleep, so.. I poured myself a drink, and.. then I stuck my tongue down Gretchen’s throat.
All in all, the kind of day that makes you say.. “I want to be a U.S. senator for the rest of my life.”
[ takes a sip from a glass of booze ]
Oh, and Margaret, when you print this up, be sure to add: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Casey Kasem: Hello, once again, everybody, I’m Casey Kasem! Well, Ol’ Blue Eyes is back with a little help from his friends. Frank Sinatra’s Duets album makes a splashing debut, all the way up there at #2, first week on the countdown. With songs by Barbra Streisand, Liza Minelli, and even Bono. Luckily, cameras were there to capture these historic recording sessions, so let’s take a look right now at the making of Frank Sinatra’s Duets!
[ dissolve to Frank Sinatra’s recording studio, where he’s finishing a duet with Barbra Streisand ]
Frank Sinatra: [ singing ] “‘Cause I’ve got a crush on yooooooou!”
Baby! Cut it, that’s a keeper! Hit the road, Babs!
Barbra Streisand: Frank, I just want to say that this was my –
Frank Sinatra: The meter’s running! See the door? Use it!
Barbra Streisand: What, you don’t want to meet Andre?
Frank Sinatra: Stay out of the cradle, Nose!
[ Barbra exits abruptly ]
Steve: Okay, Frank, that was great. A real beauty.
Frank Sinatra: Let’s keep it moving, Steve. Who’s next?
Steve: We’ve got Bono, from U2.
Bono: [ enters ] How you doing, Mr. Sinatra? As a child, my mom played your songs all the time in the parlor.
Frank Sinatra: Don’t write me a book, kid.
Bono: Alright. Look, I’ve written a special song for us, it’s about how technology is ruining humanity –
Frank Sinatra: “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”! 1, 2, 3!
[ singing ] “I’ve got you under my skin. I’ve got you deep in the heart of me.”
Take it, Cher!
Bono: “So deep in my heart, you’re a part of me.”
Frank Sinatra: Bring it home!
Bono: “You never can win..”
Frank Sinatra: A little bit more!
Together: “I’ve got you under my skin.”
Frank Sinatra: Alright, how’s that, Steve!
Steve: Great, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: Okay, next tune! See you, kid, good job!
Bono: I think I can do it a little better if you give me a second try.
Frank Sinatra: I’m 93, baby. When you’re pushing a century, there’s no Take 2! Get out, Bozo!
Bono: Uh, you don’t understand – I want to do it again!
Frank Sinatra: No, you don’t understand! We’re done! Finito! So move along back to Dublin, find yourself a bottle to crawl into!
[ Bono exits ]
Steve: Frank, this is Liza Minelli.
[ Liza enters, laughing ]
Frank Sinatra: Nice to meet you, honey.
Liza Minelli: Oh, Uncle Frank, it’s so good to see you! I remember once, you and Mom did “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” at Carnegie Hall! [ laughs ]
Frank Sinatra: “The Lady Is A Tramp”! 1, 2, 3!
[ singing ] “She gets too hungry for dinner at eight!”
Liza Minelli: “She loves the theatre, but never comes late!”
Frank Sinatra: “She never bothers with people she hates!”
Frank Sinatra: Okay, cut it, print it and ship it – I’m buying that one!
Liza Minelli: But, Frank, that’s not even the whole song!
Frank Sinatra: Your money’s on the dresser, baby, I’m done with you! [ Liza exits in a huff ] Steve, let’s keep it moving, come on!
Steve: Frank, Meat Loaf.
[ Meat Loaf straggles in ]
Frank Sinatra: Meat, Frank. Good to meet you.
Meat Loaf: It’s great to be here. You know I was thinking –
Frank Sinatra: “Summer Wind”! Hit it!
[ singing ] “The summer wind came crashing in from across the shore!”
Meat Loaf: “The summer wind came crashing in, and I..” I’m sorry, sir.. I don’t know that one..
Frank Sinatra: You don’t know “Summer Wind”? You don’t know English – it’s called the lexicon, Tiny!
Meat Loaf: Maybe we could do another song?
Frank Sinatra: Yeah! It’s called “Get Out!” [ Meat Loaf exits ] Steve, this is getting a litle long, send ’em in two at a time now! While I’m young!
Steve: Okay, Frank. This is Anita Baker and Kenny G. They’re real big fans.
[ Anita and Kenny enters the studio ]
Anita Baker: I thought this was gonna be a duet?
Frank Sinatra: It’s a trio now, baby. I know you ain’t no stranger to that!
[ steamed, Anita exits ]
Frank Sinatra: Alright. Kenny, hit it.
[ singing ] “Those fingers in my hair That sly come-hither stare..”
Sing it, Kenny!
Kenny G: I don’t sing, Frank. I play soprano sax.
Frank Sinatra: Whatever. They ain’t paying to hear your half!
[ as Frank sings, Kenny screeches on his sax ]
“Those fingers in my hair That sly come-hither stare..”
Okay, okay, enough with the horn already! I haven’t heard screeching like that since Ava Gardner!
[ Kenny exits ]
Steve: Okay, Frank.. this is k.d. Lang and Wynonna Judd.
Frank Sinatra: [ stone-faced ] Never heard of them! Next!
Steve: I’m sorry..
[ they exit ]
Steve: Okay, Frank, I’ve got a special surprise duet for you. You might say they’re your biggest fans. Nancy and Frank Sinatra, Jr.
Nancy Sinatra: Hi, Dad!
Frank Sinatra: Oh, get them out of here!
Frank Sinatra, Jr.: Pop! Please!
Frank Sinatra: This ain’t no charity! I gave you the name, now get out! Steve, I gotta get out of here! Clear the bench, bring ’em all in!
Steve: Okay, Frank. Luther Vandross, Tom Petty, Natalie Merchant and James Taylor.
[ they all walk in ]
Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. whatever! Let’s go – 2, 3!
“She gets too hungry for dinner at eight!”
The Others: [ muffled ] “She loves the theatre, but won’t arrive late!”
Steve: Frank, Frank, excuse me. You already recorded this one earlier. It’s Lady Is A Tramp” again.
Frank Sinatra: Stevearino, every time I sing a song, I sing it different. Cut! That’s a good one! Next tune.
[ Bono re-enters as everyone else exits ]
Bono: Okay, look, I’m back. I want another chance to sing the song, so let’s do it!
Frank Sinatra: You’re getting on my nerves, potato-head.
Bono: Look, you stupid old fool! I won’t be embarrassed by some washed-up old lounge singer!
Frank Sinatra: That’s it, pal, it’s Go Time! [ punches Bono in the face ] How’s that feel, Bluto, you like that?! Huh! Sing “Come Fly With Me”! Sing it! [ kicks Bono as he sings ]
“Come fly with me let’s fly we’ll fly away!”
Hey, Steve, was the tape rolling on that one?
Steve: Oh yeah, Frank. Another classic.
Frank Sinatra: Okay, put the album out. Good job, kid.
Casey Kasem: Ol’ Blue Eyes is back, and better than ever. Next week, the making of the Duets video, featuring four – count ’em, four – four versions of The Lady Is A Tramp”. I’m Casey Kasem!
Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken Lorena Bobbitt…..Rosie O’Donnell John Bobbitt…..Mike Myers
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.
[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]
Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
[ turns to camera ]
Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley! As you know, I’m not a licensed therapist. But, from time to time, we have people on the show who are having problems, and I help them. That’s.. that’s what I do!
[ camera pans left to reveal John and Lorena Bobbitt as today’s guests ]
So, with us today is a couple from Manassas, Virginia.. and they.. they are having marital difficulties. Lorena and John B. I’ll maintain your anominity. Now, Lorena, I understand that you and John filed for divorce. Now, is this what you really want?
Lorena Bobbitt: Yes.
Stuart Smalley: And, John, do you feel the same way?
John Bobbitt: [ in pain as he sits open-legged ] Definitely.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Well, that’s.. o-kay. Sometimes it’s good to make a, you know.. clean break, you know.. and get on with our lives! But sometimes we can patch things up if we trace it, face it, and erase it. And that’s what we’re going to do today. So, Lorena, now what was your beef with John?
Lorena Bobbitt: He forced me to have sex!
John Bobbitt: I did not force!
Stuart Smalley: No. No crosstalk. We’ll hear your story later. Okay, Lorena.. now, how did that make you feel? Did it make you angry? [ she nods head ] Yes. And what did you do with that anger?
Lorena Bobbitt: I cut off his penis!
Stuart Smalley: [ absorbing, coming to terms with her anger ] John.. uh.. when Lorena, uh.. cut off your penis.. how did that make you feel?
John Bobbitt: [ gritting teeth ] Well, it hurt a lot.
Stuart Smalley: Sure it did. Sure it did. Because something that had been.. a part of you, or part of your life.. was suddenly.. severed from you.. Whatever.
John Bobbitt: It, uh.. it really, really hurt.
Stuart Smalley: Lorena? Do you hear what John is saying?
Lorena Bobbitt: Well, they found his penis! I threw it in a field, and the police found it, and the doctor sewed it back together!
Stuart Smalley: [ shakes head ] Well, that’s good. Good for you. Good for you, John. Um.. but do you see how, maybe, vutting off John’s penis was a little.. you know.. inappropriate?
Lorena Bobbitt: Yes. [ lowers head ]
Stuart Smalley: You made a mistake. And that’s okay. You’re a human being. Okay? You think that maybe it would be a good start if you, you know, told John that you were sorry for what you did?
Lorena Bobbitt: I will not apologize to that man!
Stuart Smalley: Okay. [ thinking ] How about, as a starter – as an exercise – you apologize.. to.. John’s penis? As an exercise.
Lorena Bobbitt: Okay.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Alright. Look at it. [ Lorena looks at Stuart ] Come on, don’t look at me – only you can help you. Look at it. Say “Hello.”
Lorena Bobbitt: [ looks at John’s crotch ] Hello.
Stuart Smalley: “I was very angry at you.”
Lorena Bobbitt: I was very angry at choo!
Stuart Smalley: “But that doesn’t make you a bad penis.”
Lorena Bobbitt: But that doesn’t make you a bad penis.
Stuart Smalley: “I’m sorry I cut you off and threw you in a field.”
Lorena Bobbitt: I’m sorry I cut you off and threw you in a field.
Stuart Smalley: “I’m glad they found you, and reattached you.”
Lorena Bobbitt: I’m glad they found you, and reattached you.
Stuart Smalley: “Because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and, doggonit, people like you!”
Lorena Bobbitt: No! I wil not say that!
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Well, you apologized, and that is.. you know.. that’s progress. Uh.. John. How do you feel now?
John Bobbitt: It itches.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. But are you still angry?
John Bobbitt: Yes.
Stuart Smalley: And it’s because Lorena cut off your penis?
John Bobbitt: Yes.
Stuart Smalley: And are you sure it isn’t really something else?
John Bobbitt: I’m sure.
Stuart Smalley: Okay! Well, this has been a terrific show. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
Announcer: This has been today’s Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.
…..Kevin Nealon Jean Chretien…..Mike Myers Opera Man…..Adam Sandler
[ “Weekend Update” title sequence ]
Don Pardo V/O:Weekend Update, with Kevin Nealon.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.
While most Americans are undecided on NAFTA, a new poll shows a majority of people favoring NAPTA, the North American Perot Trade Agreement. Under this treaty, Ross Perot would be traded to another country in exchange for a less annoying politician to be named later. [ heavy applause ]
[ Monitor: candid shot of Clinton standing with his hands in the air ] Unable to rally any public or congressional support for any of his ideas, President Clinton this week was forced to do “the wave” all by himself.
[ Monitor: picture of Supreme Court, followed by head shots of Sandra Day O’Connor and Clarence Thomas ] And this week, in a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court created sweeping guidelines for sexual harassment. Justice Sandra Day O’Connor said the law will create a broad rule of workplace equality, while Clarence Thomas called it an equality rule for broads in the workplace.
[ Monitor: picture of Ed Rollins ] And in New Jersey, another boast from Ed Rollins. The Republican political strategist said today that, while in college, he paid a hooker $500 not to do anything.
[ Monitor: picture of Jack Kevorkian with an attorney ] And Dr. Jack Kevorkian left a Detroit jail this week after going on a hunger strike since last Friday. The doctor said, “At one point I got so hungry I would have killed for a pizza.”
[ Monitor: picture of Ross Perot on CNN ] Ross Perot angered Mexicans when he said on the Larry King show that the dream of every Mexican is to own an outhouse. Perot later apologized for the insult, explaining he’d been up all night smoking gorilla dust.Kevin Nealon: Perot also said that Mexican trucks allowed to cross our borders without tariff inspection would increase illegal drug imports and take jobs away from hard-working American dope dealers. He might have a point there.
Kevin Nealon: And now, here with a Canadian perspective on NAFTA is the newly-elected Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Chretien.
[ Pan over to Jean, holding a cigarette ]
Jean Chretien: ‘Allo, Kevin! ‘Allo, hah! ‘Allo, Kevin! Bonjour, my name is Jean Chretien, I am the new Prime Minister of Canada. And as Prime Minister, the first thing I’m gonna do is cancel the North American Free Trade Agreement, or NAFTA. Now I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “Who the hell is this guy, this freak who talks like the French-Canadian lumberjack from Bugs Bunny?” Well I’ll tell you who I am: I’m the friggin’ Prime Minister of Canada! I’m the friggin’ Prime Minister of Canada! Not like you could give some rat’s ass. Your #1 trade partner lacks a new head of state, and it gets less attention on the news than Bruce and Demi’s house burning down. The Blue Jays win the World Series, but because they are from Canada, it gets a smaller rating than Uruguayan skeet shooting on the Spanish channel. So you know what? I ain’t gonna go for no free trade, Jack. You Yankees can besse mon derierre, because that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, KC and the Sunshine Band. I would rather take a puck in the head than sign that thing. I would rather lick a metal pole in the dead of winter. I would rather drink dish water. I would rather go ice-fishing without any pants. I would rather my girlfriend was a caribou. You know what, my friend, you can take the last train to Clarksville, the Monkees, because this ship has left the station. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puff, Kellogg’s. That when it comes to Americans, I’m all out of love, Air Supply. That’s just not true. I just don’t like the assumption that Americans will say “jump” and Canadians will say “How long?” It just rub me some wrong ways. Ah, but you know what, Kevin? I’ll probably sign that thing. You’re just gonna have to say please, that’s all. And I mean it, because that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, KC and the Sunshine Band. Over to you, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: All right, thank you, Prime Minister Jean Chretien.
[ Applause ]
Jean Chretien: How’d that go?
Kevin Nealon: Ah, what are you gonna do?
Jean Chretien: Jean Chretien!
Kevin Nealon: Oh, Gene Cre-teen.
Jean Chretien:Jean Chretien!
Kevin Nealon: Gene Cretin. All righty. Gene Cretin, everyone.
Jean Chretien:Jean Chretien! [ leaves ]
Kevin Nealon: Gene, Jean Cretin. All right.
[ Monitor: picture of Pope John Paul II ] Pope John Paul II tripped over his cassock on Thursday, causing him to fall down and dislocate his shoulder. Coaches for the 73-year-old pontiff say his injury is not serious, and expect him to suit up and pray this Sunday.
[ Monitor: head shot of William Perry ] And in other sports news, 8-year NFL veteran William “Refrigerator” Perry was cut by the Chicago Bears this week. Ross Perot immediately said it was a conspiracy to replace him with a cheaper Mexican-made refrigerator.
[ Monitor: picture of Mary Jo Buttafuoco, followed by one of Joey ] Well, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says she doesn’t want her husband Joey to go to jail, despite his guilty plea to statutory rape with Amy Fisher, because he’s still a productive member of society. Prosecutors disagree, saying “It was his productive member that got him in trouble in the first place.”
[ Monitor: picture of newspaper column with title “VIDEO DESK” ] Well, a California woman has filed a sexual harassment suit against a male co-worker for hiding a video camera under her desk. If convicted, he faces 18 months in prison and a $2,001 fine. That’s 2,000 for the offense, and a dollar for not rewinding the tape.
[ Monitor: picture of Private Parts cover, followed by a Caldor store ] Howard Stern’s book, Private Parts, remains #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List three weeks in a row. Caldor chain stores refuse to sell the book because they say it cheapens their store. However, Caldor will continue to sell plaid polyester leisure suits and cabana outfits.
[ Monitor: picture of newspaper article with title “Michael Jackson’s Home Is Searched” ] As part of an ongoing investigation, Los Angeles police again raided Michael Jackson’s home. The search turned up a chimp, a robot, an oxygen tent, and the bones of the Elephant Man, but nothing unusual.
[ Monitor: picture of Michael Jackson ] Jackson cancelled his “Dangerous” tour yesterday, due to an addiction to painkillers. In a related story, officials at Jackson’s Neverland amusement park closed Mr. Toad’s Wild Morphine Ride indefinitely.
[ Monitor: picture of newspaper column with title “CRUISE’S NEW LOOK” ] Following his role in The Firm, filming has begun on Tom Cruise’s latest film, Interview with a Vampire. In it, he plays a bloodsucker who preys on the weak. Great. Another lawyer role.
[ Monitor: head shots of Julia Roberts, followed by three others ] And in her ABC special this week, Barbara Walters called Julia Roberts the greatest actress of her generation. Roberts’ generation includes Mayim Bialik, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, and Tori Spelling. [ Kevin lets it sink in ] You can’t argue on that one.
Kevin Nealon: And now, here with his own review of some current events is Weekend Update correspondent, Opera Man. Opera Man?
Opera Man: Thank you! Grazia, Kevin, grazia.
[ Opera Man begins his medley, which is, of course, subtitled ]
[ Monitor: picture of Al Gore with check box below word NAFTA, followed by Perot, then by Opera Man / Music: “La Cucaracha” ]
Opera Man:I likah NAFTA because I haveta I’m il vice-president Perot says no On Larry King show I still don’t know what NAFTA meant (“Dio!”)
[ Monitor: picture of parachutist, followed by footage from Bowe-Holyfield fight incident / Music: march ]
Opera Man:Mi parachutah into la ringah Meet Riddick Bowa Before bell dingah Me grande hero shake hand with Evando Caught in la ropah not like I plannedo Bigga angry mobba me all alone-o Beat en mi heado With a cellular phone-o
[ Monitor: picture of John and Lorena Bobbitt / Music: tragic ]
Opera Man:Donde? Donde es shlongo? No more poke or strokah Operaman cannot make jokah (“No, no, oh no”)
[ Monitor: picture of Eddie Vedder / Music: “Even Flow” ]
Opera Man:Eeoo zama dama dingy doo Billboard numero uno (“Ohhyeah”) Eeoo zama mama dingy dong Covero time magazine-o (“Hoyeah!”) Eeoo yama nama zeeoo nirvana Kiss my assa (“Ohhyeah”)
[ Monitor: Daily Mirror cover with photo of Princess Diana on exercise machine / Music: bouncy ]
Opera Man:Princessa Princessa Stretcha Oh yesa Ah-une Ah-due Ah-une Ah-due Push it Diana For poor ole Operamana Operaman, Bye Bye (“Say adieu!”)
[ Applause ]
Kevin Nealon: Opera Man, ladies and gentlemen! Opera Man. [ stands up and applauds ]
[ Opera Man beams while catching roses thrown at him. He catches a potted plant, shrugs and leaves with it. ]
Kevin Nealon: [ sits back down ] Quite the spectacle.
Well, John Wayne Bobbitt was named in a paternity suit by a woman in Niagara Falls, New York. Bobbitt denies the claim, saying that at the time, he had no penis. Boy, talk about your air-tight alibis, huh?
The trial of Lorena Bobbitt is set for later this month. She is being charged with malicious wounding and one count of littering.
[ Monitor: picture of John Bobbitt, followed by a dog ] A Virginia law enforcement official has revealed how John Bobbitt’s discarded penis was found in the field after Mrs. Bobbitt threw it away: the official said a special dog was used to track it down. When asked what kind of dog, he said, “Why, a Cocker Spaniel, of course.”
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
The Tramp … Norm MacDonald The Old Man … Bernie Friedman The Employer … Tom Schiller
[ MAIN TITLE: SCHILLER’S REEL
A short video made to resemble a black and whitesilent film, complete with scratches, blemishes andabrupt edits, as if we were watching an ancient printfrom the 1930s that has seen a lot of wear and had tobe patched and spliced together. All the film’saction is set to a soundtrack that consists entirelyof MUSIC from Charlie Chaplin’s 1936 film MODERNTIMES.
FADE IN on a view of two river-spanning New York Citybridges silhouetted in the sunrise.
SUPER: NORM MacDONALD in “WILL WORK FOR FOOD”
PAN OVER to another view of the nearestbridge.
SUPER: with BERNIE FRIEDMAN and TOM SCHILLER
CUT TO a young TRAMP sleeping on the ground under thebridge, partially protected by a cardboard box, hishead resting on a rolled-up blanket. (The MUSIC is thePuccini-like Chaplin melody that later became famousas the song “Smile.”) Steam rises from a nearby grate.Hubcaps, tin cans and other garbage are littered allaround. The Tramp awakens with a yawn and sits up,eyes blinking in the sunlight. He is unshaven anddresses as a homeless man might have dressed duringthe Great Depression, with a thin dirty overcoat and aragged cap. He rubs his eyes, strokes his chinthoughtfully, and looks around.
CUT TO a second tramp, an OLD MAN, standing nearby,amidst the trash and with the river as a backdrop. Herubs his hands for warmth as the Tramp, carrying ablanket, rises and joins him. The Old Man glances atthe Tramp and shakes his head sorrowfully. The Trampplaces his blanket around the Old Man’s shoulders.
After an abrupt edit, the Tramp hangs a crudely-madecardboard sign on himself that reads: “WILL WORK FORFOOD” — the two tramps peer down at the pathetic signfor a moment and then exchange resigned glances. TheOld Man watches sadly as his younger friend trudgesoff.
CUT TO
UNDER THE BRIDGE The Tramp looks grim and haggard as he stands by theside of the road, holding his “WILL WORK FOR FOOD”sign steady in the wind.
DISSOLVE TO the Tramp in the same position, some timelater. He shifts his weight on his feet several timeswhile glancing around, embarrassed and uncomfortable.He fixes his eyes dejectedly on the ground for amoment. To his surprise, when he looks up, anautomobile is pulling to a stop beside him. A glimmerof hope in his face, he moves to the car and bendsover to speak to the bearded driver (his futureEMPLOYER) through the passenger window. Thebarely-glimpsed Employer makes an offer to the Trampwho nods in agreement. The Employer jerks a thumbtoward the back seat as the Tramp removes his sign anddrops it on the roadside. With a grin, the Tramphurries into the back seat and closes the door behindhim. The car pulls away.
DISSOLVE TO a LONG SHOT of the swanky, awning-coveredfront door of a luxury apartment house. The Tramp andhis Employer arrive. The Employer graciously allowsthe Tramp to go first as they enter thebuilding.
DISSOLVE TO
INT. THE EMPLOYER’S APARTMENT The officious Employer, seen clearly for the firsttime, is a thin, gray-haired, bespectacled man with anoversized beard that droops far below his chin (likean old silent movie villain). He wears a business suitand politely offers the Tramp a chair at a woodentable in the middle of the room. The Tramp, stillwearing his cap but having shed his overcoat, wears adusty vest over an old white shirt. He nods gratefullyand sits as his Employer pulls the chair out for him.
The Employer bids the Tramp to wait and exits into anadjacent kitchen as the Tramp adjusts his cap, rubshis hands, licks his lips, and grins happily at thethought of food. To the sound of heralding trumpets,the Employer returns a long moment later carrying, notfood, but a huge stack of papers which he places onthe table next to the instantly disappointed Tramp.The Employer shows the Tramp an ink pad and a rubberstamp — and demonstrates how to use them. The Trampreluctantly begins rubber stamping the entire stack ofpapers, one sheet at a time. The Employer monitors theTramp’s work for a moment, then exits into thekitchen. The Tramp continues to stamp away as the filmspeeds up to FAST MOTION (accompanied by the uptempomusic Chaplin used for his film’s fast-moving assemblyline sequence).
This leads directly into a FAST MOTION MONTAGE of theTramp doing various kinds of work all around theEmployer’s apartment:
The Tramp, a little annoyed, straightens a framedpicture on the wall as the unsatisfied Employerdirects him to turn it first one way and thenanother.
The Tramp sits at the newspaper-covered table andshines shoes as the Employer arrives with an armful offootwear and begins stacking it next to him.
Aerial view of the Tramp, seated at the table which iscovered with a pile of bills and receipts, peckingaway at a calculator.
The Tramp, hot iron in hand, wipes his brow as heslaves away over an ironing board. The Employer,draped with folded clothes, stands nearby urging himon.
The Tramp, on a ladder, paints the apartment’s ceilingtrim.
A brief shot of the Tramp wiping his brow as hecontinues to rubber stamp the huge stack ofpapers.
The Tramp runs a vacuum cleaner over the floor whilehis Employer, hunched over, points to where he shouldvacuum next.
The Tramp, squinting in the sunlight, dusts someVenetian blinds with a feather duster.
CLOSE-UP of the Tramp, a jeweler’s loupe in one eye,repairing a wristwatch. The Employer impatientlyreaches in, takes the watch and replaces it withanother, to the Tramp’s annoyance.
The Tramp, seated at the table in front of anold-fashioned typewriter, pecks away uncertainly ashis Employer paces in the background, givingdictation.
The Tramp, sitting on the floor, hammers some woodworkas his Employer stands by, supervising.
The Tramp cleans a set of dentures with atoothbrush.
Another brief shot of the Tramp dusting theblinds.
Another brief shot of the Tramp at the typewriter ashis Employer pulls a sheet out of the machine.
A brief shot of the Tramp as he finishes rubberstamping the stack of papers.
Another brief shot of the Tramp cleaning the denturesas his irate Employer, a handkerchief clutched to hismouth, bursts in from the kitchen, shakes an angryfist at him, points to his own mouth, checks his watchimpatiently, etc. The Tramp gives him a quick look andgoes right on brushing.
The MONTAGE ENDS as the music tempo and the film speedreturn to near-normal with a CLOSE SHOT of a tinymodel ship being raised in a glass bottle.
PULL BACK to reveal that it is the Tramp, seated atthe table, who has righted the ship. Beside him, hissatisfied Employer pats him happily on the shoulder.The Tramp grins, then points to his own mouth and rubshis stomach to indicate that he is hungry. TheEmployer looks quizzical, raises a finger to urgepatience, then with another supportive pat on theshoulder, heads into the kitchen, pausing briefly atthe door to glance back at the Tramp with a sinisterlook. The Tramp again rubs his hands expectantly andlicks his lips, taking a handkerchief from his pocketand tucking it into his collar like a bib. More liplicking and hand rubbing.
After a CUT, the Employer returns wearing chef’s hatand apron. He opens the kitchen door with a flourishand wheels in a fancy covered dinner tray.
CLOSE-UP: The cover is lifted (to the sound of acymbal crash) and we ZOOM IN to reveal: a lone,dried-up hot dog in a cheap bun atop a folded napkin.No condiments or anything — just a crappy little hotdog and a bun. We linger on this image for a moment asthe MUSIC comments wryly.
DISSOLVE TO
EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE – NIGHT A string of automobile headlights cruise down thestreet. We hear the “Smile” theme once more as theEmployer’s car pulls up to the side of the road andthe Tramp, again wearing his overcoat, emerges fromthe back seat, shuts the door behind him, then standsaside and watches the car pull away. He raises anangry clenched fist at the departing car but thenchanges the gesture to a dismissive wave. Alone now,he peers off in the direction of the river.
CUT TO the Old Man, still rubbing his hands for warmthas he stands before a large metal trash barrel thatglows with a burning fire. The river is behind him andthe lights of another bridge are visible in thedistance. He warmly greets the Tramp who, shaking hishead in disgust, joins him at the barrel. After apause, the Tramp taps the Old Man on the arm, glancesaround, reaches into an inside coat pocket, and pullsout a small white object. Grinning broadly, he showsit to the Old Man.
CUT TO CLOSE-UP: it’s the hot dog and bun, wrapped inits napkin.
CUT BACK TO FULL SCENE: The smiling Tramp offers thefood to the Old Man who takes it happily. But the OldMan’s face falls as he pauses and stares at the foodfor a moment. Realizing he hasn’t earned it, hequickly offers it back to the Tramp. With a great showof unconcern, the Tramp insists the Old Man eat it,taps his own stomach to indicate that he’s had plentyalready, and grandly waves off the offer. He thenpulls out a toothpick and starts picking his teeth.The Old Man thinks it over and says “thank you.” TheTramp stops picking his teeth and watches, a littleforlornly, as the Old Man takes a huge bite out of thepuny hot dog, chews it, and grins with obviouspleasure. The Tramp returns the toothpick to his mouthand peers into the fire with downcast eyes. The twomen stand in the firelight and say nothing as we FADEOUT — to the accompaniment of Chaplin’s sad buthopeful music.
END TITLE: The End / A SCHILLERVISION PICTURE
The crowd in Studio 8H applauds as the title cardfades out. A moment later, we fade in on a hot dog ofa different sort: G. E. Smith, who casually strums hisguitar with a grin as, behind him, the SNL Band swingsthrough a gentle jazz tune on its way to a commercial.]
Air Date:
