For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
November 20th, 1993
Nicole Kidman
Stone Temple Pilots
Dana Carvey
Christina Ricci
Jimmy Workman
Junior Brown
Stone Temple Pilots, “Creep”
Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.
Recurring Characters: Brian.
Recurring Characters: Phillip.
Recurring Characters: Ike Turner.
Recurring Characters: Dieter, Susan the She-Male.
Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.
(Repeat) See: 10/02/93.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 7
93g: Nicole Kidman / Stone Temple Pilots
Nicole Kidman’s Monologue
…..Nicole Kidman
Audience Member 1…..Sarah Silverman
Audience Member 2…..Norm MacDonald
Audience Member 3…..Fred Wolf
…..Chris Farley
…..Lorne Michaels
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Nicole Kidman!
[ Kidman walks onto stage ]
Nicole Kidman: Thank you very much! Thanks a lot! Well, it’s a thrill to be here on Saturday Night Live. And, umm.. First thing’s first, I just wanna say: “Yes. I am married to Tom Cruise.” (audience cheers) He is my husband. But this is my show tonight, and.. uhh.. We’re gonna have a lot of fun. And (notices an audience member) Oh! Yea, you, the audience member who always has a question.
Audience Member 1: I thought that “My Life” was a great movie!
Nicole Kidman: Oh. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Audience Member 1: Yea. Is Tom Cruise here tonight?
Nicole Kidman: Uhh.. No. Tom’s not coming. He’s making a film at the moment and- (notices audience member) Oh. Over here.
Audience Member 2: Yea. Yea. Hi. Hi. Is it true that Tom Cruise is gonna be here tonight?
Nicole Kidman: Okay. Like I said, umm.. Tom won’t be here tonight, but I’m here and it’s gonna be great! So..uh.. (laughs) (notices another audience member) Yea.
Audience Member 3: Yeeaa.. Are you really married to uhh..(long pause) to uhh..Tom Cruise?
Nicole Kidman: (nods) Yup. I am.
Audience Member 3: Where the hell is he?
Nicole Kidman: Okay Last Question uhh.. Oh! Chris! Yea.
Chris Farley : (wearing Top Gun jacket) Hi Nicole.
Nicole Kidman: Hi.
Chris Farley: Hey. When..uhh.. when Tom Cruise gets here. I was wondering if..if..uhh.. if he could sign my “Top Gun” jacket?
Nicole Kidman: No. Umm, Chris. Tom isn’t coming tonight. Okay? So.. This is my show. And- (sees Lorne on the side) Lorne.. Yea..
Lorne Michaels: Nicole, Do you know when Tom is getting here?
Nicole Kidman: Okay. Okay. Look Let me see what I can do. Okay? (walks off stage)
[ Chris Farley approaches Lorne Michaels ]
Chris Farley: What’s going on? Where is she going? What’s happening, Lorne?
Lorne: Chris, I don’t know.
[ Couch is center stage. Music starts to play. Nicole slides on stage in long t-shirt and socks, holding candle holder. Begins lip synching and dancing to “Old Time Rock and Roll”. Music stops. ]
Nicole Kidman: We got a great show. We’ve got Stone Temple Pilots. So stick around. We’ll be right back.
Submitted by: Julie Santini
Phillip the Hyper-Hypo
Phillip…..Mike Myers
Grace…..Nicole Kidman
[ Scene opens with Philip harnessed to a kiddy gym. He tries several times to leap forward and break the harness but fails miserably. Grace sits quietly and plays with her Barbie dolls. Phillip finally sits down. ]
Phillip: Hi!
Grace: Hi!
Phillip: Hi!
Grace: Hi!
Phillip: What’s your name?
Grace: Grace.
Phillip: My name is Philip. How come you don’t wear a harness?
Grace: My mom doesn’t believe in it. She thinks it’s cruel.
Phillip: My mom thinks it’s very necessary. I’m hypoglycemic and hyperactive. I’m a hyper hypo. That’s why I wear a helmet. My mother’s a little overprotective.
Grace: Well, why don’t you try and get out of it.
Phillip: Okay. (Phillip tries to run and break the harness. Seeing that it’s useless he stops) I can’t right now. I’ve worn my way through six harnesses. One time, my mom’s car ran out of gas so she gave me a Snickers bar and a can of Coke; I towed the car home, seven miles. When we got home I was tired.
Grace: We just moved here from Australia. It’s nice here in America.
Phillip: Yes it is. How old are you?
Grace: Six.
Phillip: I’m six and a half.
Grace: I’m six and three quarters.
Phillip: I’m six and four fifths.
Grace: I’m six and infinity.
Phillip: I’m six and infinity plus one. Can I see that? (grabs doll) See that? This is where milk comes for the babies. This is where milk comes for the babies. Right there and there.
Grace: Give it back to me stupid.
Phillip: Shut up.
Grace: Stupid.
Phillip: Shut up.
Grace: I’m gonna talk like a robot. I’m a robot. I’m talking like a robot.
Phillip: I love you, you know.
Grace: I know. People always tell me that I’m pretty. Everyone always says, “She’s pretty.” I hate it.
Phillip: You’re conceited.
Grace: You’re a weirdo.
Phillip: I’m over you. You’re dropped.
Grace: I don’t talk to you anymore.
Phillip: I don’t think about you when you’re not here you know.
Grace: At least I don’t have to wear a harness.
Phillip: That was hurtful and unnecessary.
Grace: I’m sorry.Phillip: That’s okay.
Grace: I’m in a choir in Sydney. My mommy says I have a pretty voice.
Phillip: Wow. You’re surrounded by a lot of positive support.
Grace: What?
Phillip: Nothing.
Grace: I’m gonna sing a song for you. (Tie me kangaroo down sport song) That was fun!
Phillip: Whatever, okay.
Grace: Don’t you think I have a pretty voice?
Phillip: I gotta say you know, when you get older, people aren’t going to support you so much.
Grace: Why not?
Phillip: My cousin was a cute kid and then he hit puberty and his face exploded. Now he looks around and he’s wondering where all the people who said he was cute went to. Guess what I’m doing?
Grace: You’re smooshing your face
Phillip: I’m doing an impression of my dog. He’s a Sharpei.
Grace: I’m a Sharpei too.
Phillip: I love you again
Grace: I know.
Phillip: I’m hungry.
Grace: Oh, I have a Hershey bar.
Phillip: I’m not supposed to eat sugar.
Grace: [ eating the Hershey bar ] Mmm.. it’s really good.
Phillip: You’re the devil.
Grace: Want a bite?
Phillip: Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt.
[ Philip eats the chocolate and freaks out, breaking the jungle gym free and running off with it trailing behind him ]
Thanks to Ben Holdaway for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 4th, 1993
Charlton Heston
Paul Westerberg
None
Paul Westerberg, “Can’t Hardly Wait”
Heston falls asleep, wakes up in ape-inhabited studio.
Heston takes questions from ape audience who won’t acknowledge him as a human.
Linda’s (Mike Myers) guest is new Catholic boyfriend (Heston).Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Elder stock boy (Heston) keeps job by lightly threatening his manager (Phil Hartman).
Please, for the love of God and all that is sacred, let the boy move in with you!Recurring Characters: Mr. O’Malley.
Studio of the Apes
…..Charlton Heston
…..Joe Dicso
Virgil…..Rob Schneider
…..Phil Hartman
…..Chris Farley
…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Charlton Heston in his dressing room, sitting on the couch and talking into a mini-cassette recorder ]
Charlton Heston: And this completes my final journal entry, before I host the show. Eleven.. twenty-five P.M., December 4th A.D., 1993.
Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Mr. Heston.
Charlton Heston: Fine, Joe. I’ll just, uh.. lie down for a couple of minutes.
[ Heston lies across the couch, as he again speaks into his mini-cassette recorder ]
You know, there’s one thing still bothering me: Is man truly meant to be funny? I just don’t know.
[ Heston falls asleep, as the clock on the wall spins at a rapid pace ]
[ the years zoom by – 1994.. 1995.. 1996.. 2000.. 2050.. 2200.. stopping at 3978 ]
[ Heston wakes from his nap, now bearded and dazed ]
Charlton Heston: Wha..? what time is it..? I.. overslept.. Why the hell didn’t somebody wake me..?
[ Heston stumbles into the empty hall, failing to notice the framed photos of apes lining the walls ]
Charlton Heston: Hello? Somebody! Any.. hello..? Where is every.. Hello?! Hello..! [ echoes ] What’s going on here, anyway?
[ Heston approaches the doors to the studio, flanked with futuristic scarecrows from the “Planet of the Apes” movie. The familiar music sting eminates upon their image, then cuts as Heston notices the back of a stagehand inside the doorway ]
Charlton Heston: Oh. There’s somebody. Hey! sir? Hello?
[ the stagehand turns around – it’s an ape ]
Charlton Heston: Aaagghh!! [ runs down the hall ] Oh, my God! It’s happening again!
[ warning horn sounds, as an ape army chase after Heston ]
Apes: There’s a human on the loose! Human!
[ Heston runs past a female stagehand, who screams at the sight of the escaped human ]
Charlton Heston: I need some help! Somebody! [ peeks into the control room ] There’s apes everywhere!
[ control operators turn to face Heston – they, too, are apes ]
Charlton Heston: My God! They’ve taken over the control room!
Director: Call Security!! There’s a human loose in the studio!
[ Heston wanders in front of the musical guest stage, also flanked by a scarecrow ]
Charlton Heston: What.. kind of a show is this..?
[ cut to the show being broadcast. It’s a Richmeister sketch starring Ape Virgil in Rob Schneider’s ancient role ]
[ Ape Cornelius enters scene to make some copies ]
Virgil: Cornelius! Cornelius-o-rama! The Apeinator! Apeman! Aaaaaaape!
Cornelius: Hi, Virgil. Just making some copies.
Virgil: Alriiiiiight!! Captain Cornelius, mak-in’ cop-ies! Baron von Aaaaape!
[ Heston walks past the set, even the ape cameraman turns to notice ]
Charlton Heston: How is this possible..?
Virgil: [ points at Heston ] There he is! There! Get him! [ begins pounding on his desk in a raged fury ]
[ Heston walks across the stage, where he notices Phil Hartman and other cast members from the human cast of 1993 trapped inside a cage ]
Charlton Heston: Phil! Phil! Oh, thank God you’re alive.. I never thought I’d see you again.. This crazy place.. Phil? Phil? [ Phil stares dazed back at Heston ] What’s going on? [ turns Phil’s face, to reveal stitchery on the side of his forehead ] Oh, damn you?! Damn you, go to hell! You cut out his brain! [ notices Chris Farley staring dazed from inside the cage ] Chris? Chris! What abot you? Talk to me! Are you okay? [ no response from Chris ] Oh, my God! You cut out his brain, too!
Tim Meadows: No, Mr. Heston.. Chris is fine, he’s always like this.
Chris Farley: “Ten Commandments” was awesome!
Charlton Heston: I’m in hell! [ ape audience throws vegetables at him ] My God! The audience is apes, too!
[ the ape army runs in and covers Heston with a mesh net ]
Charlton Heston: Aaaggh!! Aaagghhh!! Take your stinkin’ hands off me, you damn dirty ape! [ seizes the netting off of him ] “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”
Bag Man
Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Elwin…..Charlton Heston
Loudspeaker Voice…..Rob Schneider
Manager…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hayden…..Julia Sweeney
Punk #1…..David Spade
Punk #2…..Adam Sandler
[ open on interior, supermarket aisle, as elder bag boy Elwin shelves groceries ]
[ a female customer approaches Elwin ]
Customer: Excuse me, are these apples fresh?
Elwin: Oh, I’ll say they are, young lady. Those are fresh Granny Smith apples, straight from the orchard. Yeah, they’d make a great pie. I’ll tell you what you do – you drop a few of those in your pocket. I won’t say a thing. Why pay for something you’re not sure you want?
Customer: Well.. sure! Maybe I will steal a couple! And, you know what? I’ll bring you a slice of pie to pay you back!
Elwin: Oh, that’s a great idea, ma’am!
Customer: Thanks!
Elwin: Thank you.
[ the female customer walks away ]
Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on six-ounce Cling peaches.
Elwin: Uh.. three dollars and eighty-nine cents!
Loudspeaker Voice: Uh.. that can’t be right. They’re not that much.
Elwin: Oh, yes, they are, Captain!
[ Elwin’s Manager comes around the corner to reprimand him ]
Manager: [ stern ] Elwin! Six-ounce Cling peaches are fifty cents! What’s wrong with you? You know, I’ve managing here for three weeks now, and I must say you are, without a doubt, the worst employee here. I don’t know how you’ve lasted here for forty years —
Elwin: No, no – forty-two years, Captain. I-I started in 1951!
Manager: Look, Elwin, you’ve been with the company for a long time, but maybe it’s time to.. well.. you know..
Elwin: [ confused ] No. I don’t know. What?
Manager: Well, don’t you think it’s a little strange to be a bag boy at your age?
Elwin: Strange, yeah. But, then, a lot of things in this world are strange. I read in the paper that a guy actually ate 65 hot dogs to win a ten dollar bet. Now, that’s strange. And, in that same paper, I read about a fellow who got fired from his job, and then he came back the next day with a shotgun, and shot his boss and killed him. And three of his co-workers, too. And then he danced some sort of insane death dance! [ laughs ] Yeah, it is a strange world!
Manager: [ mortified ] All I’m saying is.. Cling peaches.. are fifty cents.
Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’ll remember that for sure!
[ the Manager slinks away, as Elwin continues the shelf he was working on ]
[ Mrs. Hayden approaches with her young son in their shopping cart ]
Mrs. Hayden: Hello, Elwin.
Elwin: Well! Hello, Mrs. Hayden! [ to the young boy ] Hi there, tiger!
Young Boy: Hi!
Elwin: How you doing?
Young Boy: Good.
Elwin: Hey, little guy, I-I got a present for you. [ picks up a cereal box, pulls the prize out of it and hands it to the young boy ] There we are!
Mrs. Hayden: [ chuckles ] Say thanks to Elwin, Andy!
Young Boy: Thanks.
Elwin: Now, you be good to your mother, sport!
Young Boy: Okay.
Mrs. Hayden: Okay. So long.
[ Mrs. Hayden exits down the aisle ]
Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on a head of lettuce.
Elwin: Sixteen bucks!
[ Elwin’s Manager comes running back up the aisle ]
Manager: Are you crazy??! Sixteen bucks for a head of lettuce?!!
Elwin: Well, come to think of it, th-that is crazy. But, you know, lately I’ve been thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts. I thought lettuce was sixteen bucks, and, just before that, I thought that Cling peaches were $3.89.. and, just yesterday, I was thinking how much fun it might be to climb into a man’s house while he sleeps, and then beat him to death with a shovel! I guess.. at my age, I guess a man’s mind starts playing little tricks on him, you know?
Manager: Alright, look.. uh.. from now on, I’ll do the price checks.
Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’m with you on that!
[ the Manager walks away again, as a pair of punks approach Elwin ]
Punk #1: Awwww, hi Bag Boy! Look, it’s the bag boy! Get a promotion yet, Bag Boy?
Elwin: Aw, th-that’s funny, it really is. ‘Cause you mean, because I’ve been a bag boy for forty-two years.
[ the two punks laugh at Elwin ]
Punk #2: Hey, Bag Boy, is that your name? what’s your mom’s name? Bag Lady?
Elwin: Oh, yeah, that’s funny, too. Bag Lady. Now, that is funny. I.. I got a joke for you fellows. Now, maybe it’s an old. If it is, if you’ve heard, why, you let me know, huh? It seems there’s an old guy – this old guy, and he takes these two kids and he cuts off their heads.. [ runs his finger across their necks ] And then, um.. there they are, running around with the blood squirting out of their necks. Uh.. a roaring fountain of blood. Oh.. but, I forgot the punch line.
[ the two punks quietly slip away ]
Elwin: Those are nice young fellows.
Loudspeaker Voice: Clean up on Aisle 3.
Elwin: Yeah, what is it?
Loudspeaker Voice: Carton of eggs.
Elwin: Oh, let ’em dry – I’ll scrape ’em up later.
[ Elwin’s Manager comes running up again ]
Manager: Look, Elwin. I don’t want you to take this personally, but.. we need to make a few staff cut backs, and, well, you seem to be awful close to retirement, so I thought, maybe —
Elwin: Whoa. Why – why would I want to retire? I love working here, Captain.
Manager: Well, Elwin.. maybe it would give you more time to relax, maybe work on your hobbies —
Elwin: Yeah, yeah, I do have some hobbies. I collect coins, and I’ve got a matchbook cover for practically every diner in the southwest area —
Manager: [ chuckles happily ] Well, you see! There you go!
Elwin: Yeah. And there’s another hobby I was thinking of taking up, but, uh.. only if I had enough time on my hands. You know, the funny thing is, this one involves you. Yeah, yeah. I was gonna see how loud I could get you to scream, but.. not by using the pliers on you, but on the ones you love the best. Ohhh, I’ll bet we can get it so the screams echo off the walls of that remote tool shed for years!
Manager: [ stone-faced, filled with shock and dread ] What the hell are you —
Elwin: Well, if you retire, you gotta keep busy, right, Captain?
Manager: [ sweating ] Whoa.. whoa.. what’s all this talk about retirement? I got a feeling there’s quite a few years before you get your gold watch! [ laughs nervously ]
Elwin: Well, maybe.. maybe you’re right. I guess I’ll just stick to my coins and matchbooks, I guess, for now, that other thing will just remain a dream just out of reach.
Manager: I’m gonna go clean up those eggs..
Elwin: Right, Captain, right!
[ Manager slinks away again, prepared to hide from Elwin altogether ]
Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on twelve-pound honery-glazed ham.
Elwin: Two for a nickel!
[ Elwin tosses his price-checker into the air ]
[ zoom out on set, as Heston walks away and we fade to commercial ]
Coffee Talk
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Patrick O’Callahan…..Charlton Heston
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. Well holiday season is coming, a Happy Hanukah to you and yours. Of course the big news is that I Linda Richman am going to see Barbra Joan Streisand New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas Nevada. Ach I’m dying. My sister Judy got me the tickets because she loves me and knows how much she means to me. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Italian Neo Realist Movement in film was neither Italian nor neo nor particuarly a movement. Discuss! There I feel better. Okay we have a very special guest. His name is Patrick O’Callahan. He lives here in the building. We met during a rent strike. Welcome to Coffee Talk Patrick.
Patrick O’Callahan: Oh Thanks Linda. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Linda Richman: Can you believe this is my new boyfriend(pinches his cheek) such a goyeschaponnum. He’s got the map of Ireland written on that face. Tell em what you used to do.
Patrick O’Callahan: I’m a retired New York policeman.
Linda Richman: Can you believe it? An Irish cop and me it’s like a sitcom. I feel like I’m on Bridget loves Bernie the Golden Years. The first time he came to my apartment, I thought you’re a goy so you’re probably a drinker. Are you hungry? Fix yourself a bowl of scotch.
Patrick O’Callahan: That’s great Linda I love all of your stick.
Linda Richman: That’s sch-tick.
Patrick O’Callahan: Sch-tick. That’s right. I feel like such a smuck.
Linda Richman: Close enough. Close enough. Don’t go changing just to please me. I’ll tumble for you. Let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hello Linda. First of all I think Patrick is very attractive.
Patrick O’ Callahan: Thanks. I’m ker velling.
Linda Richman: That’s kavelling, not ker-velling like ker-plunk. Okay what’s your question?
Caller #1: Did you see Barbra’s new album called “Back on Broadway”?
Linda Richman: Are you kidding? It’s like buttah. Each song is like a stick of buttah. That album is on the Land O Lakes label. It’s to die for. Our number is 555-4444 Hello? You’re on Coffee Talk.
Caller #2: Hello Linda? Did you hear of a new unauthorized biography called “Call Me Barbra”?
Linda Richman: Fech. Nebech pooh pooh pooh Staligze ziebe zieble sie koppen drratd.
Caller #2: What does that mean?
Patrick O’Callahan: It means uh stick your head in the ground and act like an uh, an onion.
Linda Richman: Very Good. Well Erin Go Bra to you.
Patrick O’Callahan: That was from our first date.
Linda Richman: I still can’t believe I’m going to see Barbra in Las Vegas. It gives shpilkes in my genecktegessoink. Too much good is nishkit.
Patrick O’ Callahan: Linda, you’re getting some shpilkes (hesitates) well orveshamin.
Linda Richman: He tries. God knows he tries. Bless Him. God bless him. Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.
Caller #3: Hello Patrick, what are your feelings about Linda, and what are your intensions?
Patrick O’Callahan: What’s Linda like? She’s like butter.
Linda Richman: Start.
Patrick O Callahan: When I first met her, I thought that woman had alot of spunk. She has alot of tutchspahk. You’re some woman Linda I’m honored to know you.
Linda Richman: How can you not love this man?He’s my hubble from the way we were. Hubble? There I go again I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you yes another topic. The Partridge Family were neither Partridges nor a family Discuss! There I feel better. Thank you.
Patrick O’Callahan: Linda I want you to know I’m very serious about our relationship.
Linda Richman: Patrick, if you should ever move in, I never want to hear this question. Where should we put the tree? I don’t want to be seeing pictures of you know who and I’m not talking about Santa Claus.
Patrick O’Callahan: Linda, I’m not talking moving in. Linda, will you marry me?
Linda Richman: Oye gotanu. Now I’m getting to be verklempt again. That’s all the time we have for this week. Thank you Patrick. To be continued. I’m Linda Richman. Good night.
(scene fades)
Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!
Goodnights
…..Charlton Heston
Charlton Heston: I want to thank you all, you’ve made a great audience, just a marvelous audience!
[ the audience cheers and the band begins to play. Heston glances at Westerberg standing next to him, and realizes that he hasn’t thanked him yet. Unfortunately, the audio has already been lowered. The two share the share the glance, as Westerberg points to himself and Heton attempts to acknowledge him to the audience. The two shake hands and laugh it off. ]
[ next to them on the stage, Chris Farley, still dressed as his Mr. O’Malley character, holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Birthday Joe!” and shakes it around ]
History’s Great Over-Thinkers
Host…..Jeff Goldblum
Thomas Edison…..Phil Hartman
Orville Wright…..Adam Sandler
Leonardo DaVinci…..Rob Schneider
Albert Einstein…..Mike Myers
[ show title card ]
Host: I.. I think so. [ looks up and notices the cameras have begun to roll ] Ahhh, hello! And welcome once again to “History’s Great Overthinkers”. Tonight: our distinguished guests are.. [ camera pans across each guest as their name is called, and they acknowledge the camera with a nod ] ..Thomas Edison.. Orville Wright.. Leonardo DaVinci.. and Albert Einstein. Arguably, the greatest overthinkers.. of all time. Tonight, I thought we’d start our program with the inventor of motion pictures, the phonograph and the light bulb – a true genius and great overthinker – Thomas Edison.
Albert Einstein: Well, I certainly-
Host: [ interrupting ] But, then I thought.. [ clears his throat ] ..why not begin with Albert Einstein? After all, he may be the greatest pure thinker in history. So, it would stand to reason that he’d also be the best over thinker. So, why not begin with him.
Albert Einstein: Vell.. in Germany-
Host: [ interrupting again ] But, then I thought.. uh.. maybe we should save our big gun for later, or maybe we could do an entire show on just Einstein himself – he’s certainly worthy of an entire show. So, why not start off with the inventor of the first self-propelled, manueverable airplane – Orville Wright. Orville?
Orville Wright: It’s a pleasure to be here-
Host: [ interrupting ] Ah.. I’m sorry, Orville – would you mind if Leonardo goes first?
Orville Wright: Uh.. no..
Host: ‘Cause, see, I was just thinking the audience might enjoy seeing Leonardo first, since he’s such a famous artist. And.. I also thought that an artist’s ideas should be set apart from three scientists’ ideas.. which makes me, uh.. think.. I-I should definitely save Leonardo for last.. Uhm Mr.. Edison.. why don’t we start with you? Mr. Edison, what was the most promising invention you ever backed out of.. because of overthinking?
Thomas Edison: Well, I had an idea for a car that runs on water.. but then I thought there already was a car that runs on gasoline.. and maybe the ideas were too similar. Of course, gasoline’s more scarce than water, but, although at the time, i-i-it wasn’t scarce at all–
Host: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. now I’m thinking I should have let Leonardo talk first, and just trusted my intuition. I was originally afraid of the fact that Leonardo doesn’t speak any English – might be distracting to the audience – but now I-I think it’s endearing. Leonardo? Why don’t you start first?
Leonardo DaVinci: [ mumbles in Italian ] The.. eh.. invencionne..
Host: [ interrupting again ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we’re out of time. I’m so sorry.
Leonardo DaVinci: Non potempo?
Host: Uhh.. no. No. This has been “History’s Great Overthinkers”. We usually come on Tuesdays at 6:30 PM, but then we thought that most people eat at 6:30 – and it’s more a weekend kind of show, anyway – so we thought we’d move to Sundays at 8:00 PM.. but then we thought, that might confuse people too much with the change.. so we thought we’d split the difference, and come on Tuesdays at 6:00 AM. Then we thought, you know, that’s.. that’s so early.. and nobody’s up that.. that early. So, we finally went with a Wednesday time, around midday..
[ show title, fade ]
Rock For Michael
Frank Gifford…..Phil Hartman
James Taylor…..Kevin Nealon
David Pirner…..David Spade
…..Steven Tyler
The Proclaimers…..Mike Myers, Norm MacDonald
Snoop Doggy Dogg…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Dre…..Ellen Cleghorne
Eddie Vedder…..Adam Sandler
The B-52’s…..Rob Schneider, Julia Sweeney, Melanie Hutsell
Meat Loaf…..Chris Farley
…..Joe Perry
Frank Gifford: Good evening, I’m Frank Gifford. The sports world was rocked this week by the surprise retirement of Michael Jordan. In a last ditch effort to get him to change his mind, some of the biggest names in music have come together to record a hastily put together benefit song. Ladies and gentlemen – “Rock For Michael”.
[ cut to recording studio, littered with various recording artists ]
James Taylor: [ to “Fire And Rain” ]
“I’ve seen Magic, and I’ve seen Bird
I saw Kareem retire, but I never said a word.
But I always thought I’d see you play one more time again.”
David Pirner: [ to “Runaway Train” ]
“Runaway Mike, better come back
Got season tickets, can’t get my money back.
Don’t you know you’re so crowd pleasin’
Won’t you stick around one more season?”
Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play for the fans, and play for the cheers.
Play the Sonics, play the Knicks, too
Even the Celtics
We’ll still root for you!”
The Proclaimers: [ to “500 Miles (I’m Gonna Be)” ]
“I’ve seen you score
500 points
I want to see you score
500 more.
Just to be the man
Who could say he saw a man
Score 1,000 points
On the basketball floor.
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael Jordan!
Michael, hey!
Michael, ho!
Michael Jordan!”
Snoop Doggy Dogg: [ to “Who Am I? (What’s My Name?)” ]
“Bow-wow-wow!
Yippie-yo, Yippie-yay!
Keep Jordan in the mother [ bleep ] house!”
Dr. Dre:
“Michael Jordan
Where you think you’re goin’?
With your tongue hangin’ out
And your bald head showin’!”
Snoop Doggy Dogg:
Don’t you know
You’re in a higher class?
So come on back
Before I pimp-slap your [ bleep ]!”
Eddie Vedder: [ to “Even Flow” ]
Even.. please don’t quit yet!
Even.. you’re the best dribbler!
Even.. who’s Pippen gonna pass to?
Even.. golf is so boring, oh, yeah!”
Steven Tyler: [ to “Dream On” ]
Play on, play one more year
Play against Isiah, play against Laimbeer.
Take the basketball ,throw it through the hoop
Do a 360
And slam an alley-oop!”
The B-52’s: [ to “Love Shack” ]
“If you stop playing, you’ll get as big as a whale!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!
Michael! Don’t forget your endorsement money!
Everybody’s playing
Everybody’s staying, baby!”
Meat Loaf: [ to “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” ]
“Michael, sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”
Eddie Vedder:
“I gotta know right now!
Meat Loaf:
“Let him sleep on it!
Michael, baby, won’t you sleep on it?
Won’t you sleep on it?
Give us an answer in the morning!”
All: [ to “Dream On” ]
“Play on, play one more year
Bulls can’t win without you
It’s very, very clear.
Play on!
Play on..!”
Steve Tyler:
“..Play on, Michael!
Michael, we want you to keep playing, and..”
Steven Tyler & Joe Perry: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“