[ guitarist continues playing, as a Yuppie walks by and tosses some loose change into the open guitar case ]
Guitarist: [ again offended ] Hey, what are you throwing money in there for?
Yuppie: [ confused ] Well, you’re a street musician, right?
Guitarist: Yeah? So?
Yuppie: So, I’m giving you mnoey.
Guitarist: I’m an artist! I’m not doing this for money!
Yuppie: Then, why do you have change in there?
Guitarist: ‘Cause that’s where I keep my change! In my guitar case! There’s no law against it!
Yuppie: Okay. [ takes his change back, begins to read his newspaper while waiting for his subway car ]
Guitarist: [ singing ] “Please give me money I’m very hungry. Please give me money So I can eat. I don’t have another job This is what I do for a living. Please give me money So I won’t starve.”
Yuppie: Here, go ahead and take it, you need it more than me. [ drops the loose change into the guitar case ]
Guitarist: What the hell did I just say?!
Yuppie: Well.. you said that you’re an artist, and you’re not doing it for money.
Guitarist: That’s right!
Yuppie: Yes.. but then you started singing, and you said you needed the money or you’ll starve. So.. please.
Guitarist: [ outraged ] That’s just a song, man! If I sing “Please Mr. Postman”, that doesn’t make you go out and deliver the mail!
Yuppie: Alright.. I guess not..
Guitarist: That’s right!
Yuppie: Oh, I understand.. it’s just a song!
Guitarist: Yeah. So, take your money.
Yuppie: Alright. [ takes money back ]
Guitarist: [ singing ] “It wasn’t just a song I rally need the money. I was just to embarrassed To let you give it to me.Please come back And put the money in my case. I’m not really an artist I’m just a begger.”
Yuppie: [ throws the change back into the guitar case ]
Guitarist: What are you doing? I saw that!
Yuppie: Hey, you don’t have to be embarrassed, I understand everything now.
Guitarist: Understand what?! I told you not to throw money in there!
Yuppie: It’s okay. I heard your song. If you want, consider it a loan.
Guitarist: It’s just a song, man! I’m doing my next record about poor people! I’m just down here for acoustics!
Yuppie: Really? Are you sure? Because, you know, I thought your song was specifically telling me to give you money.
Guitarist: The song’s not about you! What are you, an egomaniac?
Yuppie: Fine. [ takes money back ]
Guitarist: [ singing ] “Hey, you, mister The one with the brown courderoy blazer. And the black scarf wrapped around your neck I’m sorry I called you an egomaniac I didn’t really mean it. Please don’t listen to me When I’m yelling at you The stuff in the song Is what’s really important I’m still very hungry Whatever you can spare would be very welcome.”
Yuppie: Here.. Listen.. my train is coming. I’ll just stand it right next to your case, you can keep it if you want, if you don’t want it, fine.
Guitarist: Hey, I don’t want your money, you arrogant yuppie creep! [ throws the loose change into the subway ]
Harmonica Player: Hey, buddy? You mind if I play here?
Guitarist: Oh, sure, man! I’d love a little harmonica accompaniment.
[ singing ]
“Please go away I’d rather play alone. I was here first You’re horning in on my action..”
Harmonica Player: Hey.. you want me to leave, I’ll leave.
Guitarist: Hey, no, this is great! That last chord you played was perfect, man! It was great!
[ singing ]
“I warned you once to leave Now, I’ll have to kill you.When you’re not looking I’ll push you into the next train. They’ll never find your body..”
Karl: You know what’s good? “Meatballs 3”. Right above your left hand over there. No Bill Murray, but a great cast – good character development, lot of laughs, can’t go wrong – “Meatballs 3”.
Man: Ah, well, thanks, anyway.. but I don’t think that’s something I’d like.
Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. It’s your decision. Take a looksie. [ walks over to Jeff Goldblum in the store ]
Jeff Goldblum: Hey..
Karl: Looking for a drama?
Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. I guess so.
Karl: You know what’s good? “Traces of Red”. Just got it in. Great cast – Lorraine Bracco, Jim Belushi.. good plot line.. good running time – 94 minutes, not too long, not too short – good film.
Jeff Goldblum: Well, I’m not sure about that one, but thanks very much.
Karl: Alright, alright! It’s your night. You’re the one watching it, not me, right? [ lauhs ] It’s your 94 minutes, right?
Jeff Goldblum: Right. Hey.. do you have, um.. “The Verdict”? I hear it’s very good.
Karl: Mmm.. “The Verdict”.. [ thinking ] who’s in that?
Jeff Goldblum: Paul Newman.
Karl: Yes. It’s right above your right hand, “The Verdict”, there you go. I don’t know if you’re gonna like it – it’s too preduicatable, you realzie halfway through he’s gonna win the case, no surprises.
Jeff Goldblum: Well, now I know how it ends.. so I guess I don’t have to rent it..
Karl: Alright, alright! I’m sorry. My fault! It’s your night. You’re the boss.
Jeff Goldblum: Yeah. Uh.. listen.. do you have, um.. do you have an adult section?
Karl: Sure! Pornos? Back corner! If you need any help, my name is Karl with a K. Give a yell.
Jeff Goldblum: [ comes forward to check out ]
Karl: [ notices Jeff staring at the celebrity photos onthe wall ] Okay.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. you see that? Lot of stars come in here, lot of stars all the time, in and out. I got all their credit card numbers – I don’t do anything with them. Okay.. “Children of a Lesser God”.. alright.. “Ladyhawke”.. Okay.. “On Golden Blonde”. [ suddenly recognizes Jeff ] Are.. you Jeff Goldblum? You’re Jeff Goldblum!
Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.
Karl: Oh, my God! This is a great! No way! You, sir, are great! I am a fan. This is so neat for me, oh my gosh!
Jeff Goldblum: [ worried about his porno rental ] Could you just throw that in the bag..?
Karl: You know, do you have a glossy or smething, that I could put on my wall?
Jeff Goldblum: Yeah.. fine.. but could you just go ahead and ring those right up..?
Karl: Oh, wow.. You know, Bob Saget comes in here a lot – big porn freak. Yeah. He likes the girl-girl stuff. Nice guy. I got his home phone number – I’m not gonna do anything with it.
Mother: [ enters, drops videotapes on the counter ] Hey, listen, um.. you recommended these, and these are horrible! You’re not gonna charge me for them, are.. [ notices Jeff Goldblum, gets excited ] Oh! You’re Jeff Goldblum?! I cxan’t believe you’re here!
Karl: I can, I can.. Lot of stars come in here all the time. Shirley Hemphill was in here two days ago – rented “Car Wash”, loved it. Nice lady. I’ve got her address – I’m not gonna do anything with it.
Mother: [ looks through Jeff’s rentals ] So, what have you got here? Ooh, “Ladyhawke”, this is really good..
Karl: Oh, yeah, that’s not all..
Mother: [ holds up the porno, distraught ] Ohhhh.. this is disgusting!
Daughter: [ pointing ] Mom, is he a pervert?
Mother: Yes, he is. [ exits ]
Karl: Hey, listen, ignore her – she rented “Troop Beverly Hills” for three weeks. [ spins finger around his head ] Don’t listen to anything she says.
Jeff Goldblum: Well..
Karl: You were in.. “Into The Night”.
Yeah.
Karl: My 14th favorite movie.. 1985.. good set design, good costumes, good running time.. I am a fan. [ bows ]
Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. thank you very much.
Karl: Tell me something?
Jeff Goldblum: Yeah?
Karl: Between you, me, and the wall – did you and Michelle Pfeiffer, uh.. have a little off-screen.. [ whistles and winks ]
Jeff Goldblum: Hey! I think that’s a personal question.
Karl: Alright, alright! None of my business. That’s your call. Hey, can I interest you in a rewind machine while you’re here? On sale, $19.95, Gabe Kaplan got two. Nice guy, rents “Faces of Death”, kind of weird.
Jeff Goldblum: Oh, really? No, well.. you know.. when the tape finishes, I can just push the rewind button on my VCR..
Karl: Alright, alright! That’s your call. It’s your night. You’re the boss. George Carlin doesn’t rewind, but, God love him, he’s a busy man, I don’t charge him.
Jeff Goldblum: Oh.. well, that’s so nice of you.
Karl: Okay, well..
Fat Man: [ enters ] Excuse me..?
Karl: Yeah, uh, back corner.
Jeff Goldblum: Thanks! [ retreats to back corner ]
Karl: If you could just bring that glossy in here, a lot of stars come in here, I like to show off.
Jeff Goldblum: Will do.
Karl: Okay. Nice to meet you.
Jeff Goldblum: Nice to meet you. Thank you. [ heads for door ]
Steven Tyler: [ enters ] Excuse me? You work here?
Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. back corner.
[ Steven retreats to the back corner, as Jeff exits the store ]
Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network
Christopher Walken…..Jay Mohr Todd Bridges…..Tim Meadows Crispin Glover…..David Spade
Announcer: It’s time for “Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network”.
Christopher Walken: Hello. I’m Christopher Walken. And welcome.. to Christopher Walken’s Psychic Friends Network. If you would like to be.. my psychic friend.. call this number now. I can tell you about.. money.. success.. love.. and romance.. or.. just hang out with you. All it takes is a phone.. and an open mind. No one will know. No one. I can tell you things about yourself. Things you don’t know. [ phone doesn’t ring ] Why aren’t you calling? You could be.. in grave danger.. and I can help you.. as your psychic friend. While we’re waiting.. for your call.. I’d like to introduce my first guest. It’s someone you already know. He was the star of the television series “Diff’rent Strokes”.. now, he’s my psychic friend. It’s Todd Bridges.
Todd Bridges: Hi, Christopher, it’s great to be here!
Christopher Walken: I know! Todd, tell us.. how you became.. a psychic friend.
Todd Bridges: Well, Christopher, I had just killed someone, and I was high on crack. And then, I called the Psychic Friends Network, and you let me know I was in grave danger.
Christopher Walken: Oh.. that’s wonderful, Todd.. we’re very, very proud of you. If you’d like to talk with Todd.. and be his psychic friend.. call now. Todd could come to your house.. and advise you.. but he can’t.. unless you call. [ phones don’t ring ] Why aren’t you calling Todd? Maybe you’re not at home. Call anyway. By the time you get home.. he could be there.. waiting for you. My next geust, you know. He was in the movie.. “Back To The Future”. It’s Crispin Glover.
Crispin Glover: Hey, you.. it’s great to be here!
Christopher Walken: Crispin.. how did you become.. a psychic friend?
Crispin Glover: Well, Christopher.. I’m not really good at.. confrontations. So I called the Psychic Network, and you told me I was in great danger.
Christopher Walken: That’s nice, Crispin. If you’d like to know.. about future success.. money.. romance.. or.. great danger.. call us. Do it. No one.. will know. [ phones don’t ring ] I don’t understand.. why you’re not calling.
Todd Bridges: Well, Chris, maybe the audience should know we’re not the only members of the Psychic Friends Network.
Christopher Walken: Todd’s right.. there are others who can come to your house.. like Rick James.. the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. and Sean Young. Todd, Crispin, Rick and Sean, and the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. want to spend time with you.. at your house.. but they can’t do that.. unless you tell us where you live.. so, please.. call now.
Todd Bridges: I’d like a key to you house.
Crispin Glover: I’d like to be your soulmate.. [ laughs ] ..and have a key to your house.
Christopher Walken: We know. Call. Look, you’re wasting time.. we could be in your driveway by now. Me and Todd and Crispin.. waiting for you.. being.. your friend. [ phones don’t ring ] Look.. no one is calling.. I’m upset.
Todd Bridges: I’ll still come to your house.
Christopher Walken: Todd will still come to your house.
Crispin Glover: [ starting to crack ] Hey, you.. get your damn hands off me, right now!
Michael…..Jeff Goldblum Julia…..Julia Sweeney Braves Fan #1…..Chris Farley Braves Fan #2…..Adam Sandler Father…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Fulton County Stadium, Atlanta, GA ]
Michael: Oh boy, isn’t this amazing, honey?
Julia: Ah, it’s okay.. the game’s kind of slow.
Michael: Slow? This is the Play-offs! The ntire country’s watching us on TV.
Julia: I know.. it’s just..
Michael: Hey, hey! I got an idea! You’re gonna love this! Watch this! Ho!
Julia: What are doing?
Michael: Watch this! Just watch me! Alright.. everybody – Ho!
Julia: Michael..
Michael: Wait a minute.. this is gonna be great! Okay.. everybody! 1, 2, 3!
Everyone: Ho-o-o-o-o!!
[ the wave is launched ]
Michael: Did you see that, honey! Did you see what I did? Are you watching it? Are you watching it?
Julia: Oh, that’s great!
Michael: Oh, yeah, yeah. Look at that baby go! Here it comes again! Get ready, get ready! [ wave rolls past again ] Yeah! Pretty cool, guys, huh?
Braves Fan #1: Right! Go Braves!
Michael: No, no.. I’m talking about that wave, the one I started, before? That was me.
Braves Fan #2: Oh, wow.. yeah, really.. you know what? Nobody cares!
Michael: No, no.. I’m talking about that wave.
Julia: Honey, just calm down..
Michael: What? I’m just telling those guys. You know, I did start the thing, that was my idea.
Julia: I think they realize that.
Michael: Well.. okay.. [ pause ] Honey, listen, stand up and tell them I started that wave. You know, I did it for you.
Julia: I don’t think they care!
Michael: Well.. but they will if you tell them. You know, they’ll believe you. It’ll sound like I’m just tooting my own horn..
Voice in Crowd: Hey, hey, hey! Here it comes!
[ wave rolls past again ]
Michael: Yeah, see that? That was my work! That was me! They’re acting like waves just appear. Somebody has to take charge. Waves don’t just happen.
Braves Fan #1: Foul ball!
[ man next to Michael and Julia catches a foul ball, enjoying the praise from everyone around him ]
Michael: Fantastic. Congratulations. This guy catches a ball, everyone cheers. You know, I unite over 60,000 people, and nothing – to hell with me!
Julia: Just forget it..
Michael: Yeah.. you know what? You know what? The next time my wave comes by, don’t stand up! I’m stopping this wave! I gave it to them, I can take it away!
Julia: Honey, really, I.. I..
Michael: [ stands ] Hey, hey! Attention, everybody! I’m stopping this wave! Nobody stand! [ wave rolls past anyway ] That is my wave! That’s me! I did that! I did it! I did it!
Father: Would you, sir, mind keeping it down? My son and I are trying to enjoy the game. [ turns to his son ] Son, this is just like when my dad used to take me to the ball park..
Michael: Uh.. excuse me, excuse me.. No, that’s not exactly true, That’s not true, son.
Father: You talking to me?
Michael: Yeah, that’s right! This is not like when your dad took you to the ball park. Nowadays, people, like me, start waves, which makes the game more fun. Your son is having more fun now than you had with your father, because of me. I’m the reason. Can you see that?
Father: Can you get away from us?
Michael: Well, just teach the kid some gratitude. A simple, “Thanks for the great wave, mister” would suffice. Okay?
Julia: Honey, your wave stopped.
Michael: Oh.. well, good.
Julia: Good.. good.
Michael: If they think I’m gonna start another one, they can forget it! [ mulls ] I don’t believe this..
Julia: What’s wrong?
Michael: It’s just that, now would be a perfect time to start a new wave, and I’m the only one here who can sense that.
Julia: Well, if it’s really bothering you, then start one.
Michael: Oh, what, and be used again? Yeah, that’s be brilliant. No, no.. there’s gotta be something.. [ stands ] Da da da da da da!
Everyone: Charge!!
Michael: [ sits, smiling ] Ah, I’m a natural leader, what can I say?
Disney’s “Of Mice and Men” Family-friendly version has two Lennies (Chris Farley, Malkovich). Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner.
Billy Joel performs “All About Soul”
Carville’s Visit James Carville (Malkovich) urges Hillary Clinton (Jan Hooks) to run for President. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.
George Stephanopoulos…..Mike Myers President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks Secretary…..Julia Sweeney James Carville…..John Malkovich
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
George Stephanopoulos: Bush attacked your foreign policy again. This time, in a talk to a kindergarten class on a military base.
President Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] What did he say?
George Stephanopoulos: Well, he said that, uh — “Well, President Clinton is sending your mommies and daddies to die in a far away place, and you’ll all have to live in orphanages.”
President Bill Clinton: [ he shakes his head ] That’s just not fair!
George Stephanopoulos: I know. And the kids — the kids seemed pretty shaken up. Brokaw’s leading with it tonight.
President Bill Clinton: Boy! I’m taking a beating in Haiti and Somalia — did everyone just FORGET my Health Care plan?!
George Stephanopoulos: Well, actually, sir… Hillary seems to be getting all the credit. Everyone just loves her.
President Bill Clinton: Ughhh…[ Hillary enters ]
Hillary Clinton: Hi, Bill. Hi, George. Sorry I’m late. I was just working on some details in the children’s vaccination program.
George Stephanopoulos: Hillary? Bill and I were wondering: Could you do him a small favor?
Hillary Clinton: Sure. Anything.
George Stephanopoulos: Could you say that Somalia and Haiti were your idea?
President Bill Clinton: [ pleading ] It would really help a ton! Everyone loves you.
Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] Why — up to now, it’s just that we’ve always told the American people the truth.
[ Stephanopolous turns to the President and shrugs helplessly ]
Hillary Clinton: That’s how we run our marriage, and that’s how we run our country!
[ Clinton’s intercom buzzes ]
President Bill Clinton: Yeah?
Secretary V/O: Mr. President? James Carville is here.
President Bill Clinton: Uh, good… good. Send him in.
[ James Carville ambles into the office ]
President Bill Clinton: James. Good to see ya’. [ they shake hands ]
James Carville: Bill! What the hell ya’ doin’ in Haiti?! Huh?! I mean, I didn’t singlehandedly get you elected President so you can muck around some island full with people who ain’t even registered to vote!
President Bill Clinton: It’s very complex, Jim.
James Carville: Well, so is GUMBO!! But at least it tastes good! [ he laughs uproariously ]
George Stephanopoulos: Mr. President, uh — we have that meeting with the Joint Chiefs? The situation in Bosnia’s really getting ugly.
President Bill Clinton: Ugh, right. Bosnia. [ to Carville ] If you’ll excuse us…
James Carville: Would you forget about Bosnia?! You know how many electoral votes THEY got?! ZERO!!
[ the President exits ]
Hillary Clinton: James, do you really think foreign policy could hurt Bill in ’96?
James Carville: Hillary, sit down!
Hillary Clinton: Okay. [ she sits in front of the President’s desk ]
James Carville: Uh-uh. Behind the desk.
Hillary Clinton: Okay.
[ Hillary stands, then walks around the desk and takes her seat behind it, as Carville adjusts her seat with a flourish ]
James Carville: How’s that feel? You like that?
Hillary Clinton: Well… sure, it’s — it’s a comfortable chair.
James Carville: [ pounding his fists on the desk ] Come on! Move it around! Move soem papers here, pick up the phone — you know, sign your name, staple something! Couldn’t ya’? You could get used to that, couldn’t ya’?!
Hillary Clinton: Well, wait a minute! Are you saying you want me to run against Bill in ’96?
James Carville: Bingo! I crunched some numbers!
[ he hands Hillary a printout, which she studies carefully ]
Hillary Clinton: Well… but… but, James, I-I don’t know what to say. Obviously, if Bill were ever incapacitated, I would assume the presidency! And then, naturally, I’d prefer just to wait eight years and run with Al Gore as my Vice-President. But ’96?!
James Carville: I just gotta know one thing: Chelsea?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, I don’t want to bring Chelsea into this! She’s a 13-year old girl who deserves to be left alone!
James Carville: Now, we’re gonna need her endorsement!
Hillary Clinton: Well — I — she loves her dad.
James Carville: How does Ambassador Chelsea sound?
[ Hillary considers the thought, as Bill re-enters ]
President Bill Clinton: Hi, I’m back!
Hillary Clinton: Whoa!
[ Hillary ducks under the desk, pretending to search for something on the ground; Carville follows suit ]
James Carville: Uh, yes — Madame President — uh, Madame First Lady — did you find that earring?
Hillary Clinton: Uh, yes — it was under Bill’s chair! [ she laughs nervously ]
President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy… things sure are a mess in Bosnia.
James Carville: Yeah, well, uh — I gotta go, Mr. President. Now, bye bye!
President Bill Clinton: Uh — bye, James.
James Carville: And, uh, Hillary? I’ll see you in ’96… minutes!
[ Carville smiles mischieviously, then exits ]
President Bill Clinton: Did he ask you to run against me?
Hillary Clinton: [ solemnly ] Yeah.
President Bill Clinton: Are you gonna?
Hillary Clinton: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: [ she wraps her arms around him ] No!
President Bill Clinton: I love you.
Hillary Clinton: And I love you.
President Bill Clinton: Hey! Good lookin’! Wanna go check out the Lincoln Bedroom?
Hillary Clinton: [ she giggles ] Can we discuss health insurance purchasing cooperatives vs. prospective payment systems?
[ dissolve to Menendez Brothers trial, as defense lawyer Leslie Abramson questions Lyle Menendez ]
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Direct of Lyle Menendez by Defense.” ]
Leslie Abramson: Let me ask you once again.. is it your testimony, that you and your brother Erik, in fact had nothing to do with the murder of your parents, Jose & Kitty Menendez?
Lyle Menendez: That’s correct.
Leslie Abramson: Then, can you tell the court who did murder your parents?
[ SUPER: “Lyle is retracting his and Erik’s confession to the murder of their parents.” ]
Lyle Menendez: Our other two brothers.. Danny Menendez & Jose Menendez, Jr. [ covers his face with his hands and cries ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
[ dissolve to anchor Greg Jared ]
Greg Jared: Good evening. I’m Greg Jared for Court TV. It was a startling day of testimony at the trial of Lyle & Eric Menendez. After several weeks of presenting its case, the defense stunned the courtroom with the revelation that, not only are there two other previously unknown Menendez brothers – Danny & Jose, Jr. – but that they, in fact, committed the murder for which Lyle & Eric are charged. Later this afternoon, younger brother Eric joined Lyle on the stand, and in riveting testimony, they spoke of the secret existence of these two previously unknown Menendez brothers – and the years of emotional abuse they suffered.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Erik & Lyle Menendez both on the stand ]
Leslie Abramson: Now.. is it true your father never allowed your other two brothers, Danny & Jose, Jr., our of the house.
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Direct of Lyle and Erik Menendez by Defense.” ]
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: And that he never allowed them to go to school?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes.
Leslie Abramson: He’s never haved them in family pictures or mentioned them to friends?
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik are testifying that they have two brothers named Danny and Jose Menendez, Jr.” ]
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: No driver’s licenses, no birth certificates, no Social Security cards?
Lyle Menendez: My.. father said Danny & Jose, Jr. didn’t.. deserve to have any official records of their existence, because.. [ fighting the tears ] ..they were weak and not good tennis players.
Leslie Abramson: So, in other words, it was as if your father didn’t want anyone to know your other brothers even existed?
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Lyle Menendez: [ hesitant ] Yes.. [ they break into tears ]
[ dissolve to anchor Greg Jared ]
Greg Jared: Later, in surely the most dramatic moment of the trial, the defense called these newly discovered Mendenz Brothers – Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr. – to the stand.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Erik & Lyle Menendez both on the stand ]
Leslie Abramson: Would you state your names for the court record?
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Direct of Danny and Jose Menendez, Jr. by Defense.” ]
Erik Menendez: Danny Menenedez.
Lyle Menendez: Jose Menendez, Jr.
Leslie Abramson: And you are both sons of Jose & Kitty Menendez?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes.
Leslie Abramson: And you are not Lyle & Erik Menendez pretending to be two different Menendez brothers?
Lyle & Erik: No.. we are not.
Leslie Abramson: Even though you look remarkably like Lyle & Erik Menendez?
[ SUPER: “Danny and Jose, Jr. are testifying that they exist.” ]
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
[ SUPER: “and that they are not Lyle and Erik Menendez in disguise” ]
Leslie Abramson: And.. this is the first time anyone, other than your dead parents and Eric & Lyle Menendez have ever seen you?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: And, it is oyur testimony that it was you who killed your parents, Jose & Kitty Menendez, and not your brothers Lyle & Erik Menendez, to whom you bear a striking resemblance.
Lyle & Erik: Yes.
Leslie Abramson: And that you forced your two innocent brothers, Lyle & Erik Menendez, to confess to the murder?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes. [ they begin to cry ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Lyle Menendez: [ hesitant ] Yes.. [ they break into tears ]
[ dissolve to anchor Greg Jared ]
Greg Jared: Later.. Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr. faced a tough cross-examination by the prosecution.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Erik & Lyle Menendez both on the stand ]
[ SUPER: “Menendez Bros. Trial. Cross of Danny and Jose Menendez, Jr. by Prosecution.” ]
David Conn: Now, it is your testimony that you are, in fact, Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr., andnot Lyle & Erik Menendez?
Lyle & Erik: Yes.. yes.
David Conn: Then, can you tell the court where Erik & Lyle Menendez are?
Lyle Menendez: They’re in the bathroom.
[ SUPER: “Danny and Jose Jr. are testifying that Lyle and Erik are in the bathroom.”]
Leslie Abramson: Your Honor, I object! Where’s the prosecution going with this?
David Conn: Your Honor, the prosecution believes there may be only two, and, at the most.. three Menendez brothers. And, further, we’d like the defense to produce all four Menendez brothers, if they, in fact, exist.
[ SUPER: “The Prosecution asks that all four brothers appear in court at the same time.”]
[ the Defense team discuss the idea ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Leslie Abramson: Your Honor.. the defense will be happy to produce Erik & Lyle Menendez, provided that Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr. are allowed to go get them.
Judge Weisberg: Is that really necessary?
Leslie Abramson: Your Honor.. all four Menendez brothers have been under a tremendous stress. Eric & Lyle just went to the bathroom to cry. I think it would be best if Danny & jose, Jr. went to get them.
Judge Weisberg: [ bangs gavel ] I’ll allow it. Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr., you may go to the bathroom to get your brothers.. but, however, I would like you to do it quickly.
[ Lyle and Eric stand up, then exit the courtroom to retrieve their brothers; the camera fixates on their empty chairs. ]
[ SUPER: “Danny and Jose, Jr. have gone to the bathroom.” ]
[ SUPER: “They hope to convince brothers Lyle and Erik to stop crying and return to the courtroom.” ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
[ Lyle and Erik finally return to the courtroom, and take their seats ]
Judge Weisberg: Would you please state your names for the record?
Lyle Menendez: Lyle Menendez.
Erik Menendez: Erik Menendez.
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik have returned to the bathroom.” ]
Judge Weisberg: And you’re not the same two Menendez brothers who were just here a minute ago, right?
Erik Menendez: Yes.. that’s correct.
Lyle Menendez: We’re… different Menendez brothers.
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Judge Weisberg: So.. would you please tell the court what happened to your brothers Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr.?
Lyle Menendez: [ fighting the tears ] They’re in the bathroom..
Judge Weisberg: And, once again, I don’t suppose they will come out of the bathroom for anyone but you two, correct?
Lyle Menendez: [ crying ] Yes..
Erik Menendez: Yes..
Judge Weisberg: Could just one you go to the bathroom and get them?
[ Lyle & Erik look at one another, unsure of what their next move should be now that the judge has trapped them in their charade ]
Lyle Menendez: [ with no idea what he is going to do ] Ooo-kay.. [ slowly exits the courtroom, dumbfounded ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle has gone to the bathroom to get Danny and Jose, Jr.” ]
[ SUPER: “Lyle and Erik Menendez were charged with the murder of their parents.”]
[ SUPER: “They stood to inherit the sum of $14 million.”]
Greg Jared: After waiting more than two hours for Lyle Menendez to return with his brothers, Danny & Jose Menendez, Jr., Judge Weisberg adjoined the court until Monday. We’ll be back hen with complete court coverage of the Lyle & Erik Menendez murder case. I’m Greg Jared. See you Monday!
Jack Handey V/O: It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
John Malkovich: I would like to thank the staff and cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” for having me back, and the audience for being here, and a special thanks to Billy Joel for everything.
[ open on exterior, Mitch Leary’s apartment building, night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mitch’s apartment, as he picks up the phone and dials out ]
Hello?
Mitch Leary: Frank? I have a question for you, Frank. How did you feel when President Kennedy was assassinated? It must have made you feel sad.
Wrong Number: Yeah.. I felt real bad.
Mitch Leary: I’m sure it hurt you.. to be that close, and not to be able to do anything.
Wrong Number: What do you mean?
Mitch Leary: Well.. maybe if you were a little quicker, maybe if you were a little more on your game, you could have saved his life.
Wrong Number: [ confused ] On my game? What are you talking about?
Mitch Leary: You know. On your game.
[ cut to the Frank Mitch is speaking to, clearly a wrong number ]
Wrong Number: What number are you calling?
Mitch Leary: Uh.. 5-5-5-7-2-3-4.
Wrong Number: [ laughs ] Oh! You dialed wrong! This is 7-2-3-7.
Mitch Leary: [ embarrassed ] Ohhh.. sorry!
Wrong Number: Aw, don’t worry, it’s alright. Things like this happen. It’s alright.
Mitch Leary: [ loses control ] I KNOW it’s ALRIGHT!! [ hangs up angrily, then redials ] Hello, Frank. I see you standing over the body of another dead president.
Elderly Woman: Hello-o-o-o!! Hello-o-o-o!!
Mitch Leary: May I speak to Frank?
Elderly Woman: Who-o-o??!
Mitch Leary: Frank!
Elderly Woman: Speak up, I can’t hear you!
Mitch Leary: Is Frank there?
[ cut to the elderly woman on the other line, another wrong number ]
Elderly Woman: I still can’t hear you! What number are you dialing?!
Mitch Leary: 5-5-5-7-2-3-4.
Elderly Woman: You got the wrong number!
Mitch Leary: What number is this?
Elderly Woman: Okay, bye-bye! [ hangs up ]
Mitch Leary: [ flustered, tries dialing the number again ] Hello, Frank. What do you do at night when the demons come?
Elderly Woman: Didn’t you just call me?!!
Mitch Leary: I’m sorry.. I thought I misdialed, but apparently I must have written the number down incorrectly. I’m sorry. [ hangs up, dials Directory Assistance ]
Operator: Directory Assistance. What city, please?
Mitch Leary: Washington, D.C., please. The number for Frank Corrigan.
Operator: Okay.. I have three Frank Corrigans. Do you know the street address?
Mitch Leary: Uh.. I.. I think it’s on M Street.
Operator: N-no.. but I have an F. Corrigan without an address.
Mitch Leary: Fine. Let’s try that one.
Operator: 5-5-5-4-0-2-0.
Mitch Leary: Thank you. [ hangs up, dials the number ] Hello?
Kid’s Mom: Hello!
Mitch Leary: May I speak to Frank?
Kid’s Mom: Alright. Frank? Telephone.
Kid: [ a small boy’s voice ] Hello?
Mitch Leary: Frank! Frank. How did you feel when Kennedy was killed?
[ cut to the small, innocent boy, fear on his face ]
Kid: You killed Kennedy?!! The V.J.?! From M-TV?!
Mitch Leary: No!
Kid’s Mom: I told you no phone calls after ten o’clock! Who is that?!
Kid: I-I don’t know.. he’s talking about Kennedy dying!
Kid’s Mom: Listen! Sir! I don’t know whoyou are.. but, frankly, I don’t know what a grown man is doing calling a nine year-old this late at night!
Mitch Leary: [ outraged ] I’m sorry!! [ she hangs up ] Oh, gee..! That’s a four! [ dials the number correctly this time ]
[ cut to scene from “In The Line Of Fire”, as Frank Corrigan answers his telephone ]
Frank Corrigan: Yeah!
Mitch Leary: Is this Frank?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah.
Mitch Leary: Frank Corrigan?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah.
Mitch Leary: The Secret Service agent?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah.
Mitch Leary: The one.. the one that was there when Kennedy was assassinated?
Frank Corrigan: Yeah. What do you want?
Mitch Leary: I have a question for you, Frank? How did you feel when President Kennedy was killed?
[ Corrigan’s call-waiting beeps in ]
Frank Corrigan: Uh.. can you hold on a second, I.. got a call on the other line.
Mitch Leary: [ annoyed, but stuck ] Sure.
Frank Corrigan: Look, uh.. I’ve gotta take this. You could call back, or give me your number.
Mitch Leary: I’ll call back. [ hangs up ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Mitch’s building, as a shot rings out ]
Mitch Leary: [ dials the phone ] Hello. Is this Washington Memorial Hospital..? I’ve just shot myself in the foot.. could you send an ambulance..? I’m in 22 Elm..
Air Date:
Billy Joel, “All About Soul”
