John Malkovich: Thank you! Thank you, than kyou very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve had, uh.. a pretty good year. There was, uh.. there was a little movie you might have seen this summer.. called “Jurassic Park”. [ audience lightly applauds the mere mention of the name of a popular summer movie Malkovich wasn’t in ] Great movie.. I saw it twice. Uh.. oh! Also, I was in a movie called “In The Line Of Fire”. [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you.
It’s been a very hectic week here, trying to prepare a show as complicated as this one, without missing a single World Series game. But, uh.. we pulled it off. But, myself, I’ve always really loved baseball. And, watching the series has personally made me kind of nostalgic for.. my days in the Little League. Yeah.. I was a fairly decent hitter. In fact.. let me show you.
[ Malkovich throws a ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
Okay. It feels good, though.
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
Alright, I-I.. that, I lost in the lights.
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
[ David Spade steps onto stage ]
David Spade: John? John?
John Malkovich: What?
David Spade: [ laughs ] John, it’s okay, you don’t have to hit the ball. Don’t worry about it, just go ahead and finish the monologue.
John Malkovich: I can do it! If you’d leave me alone! I’ll do it!
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]
David Spade: Alright, I think you’re.. you just gotta keep your eye on the ball and concentrate..
John Malkovich: [ annoyed ] I knoooowwww!!
[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses. He breaks into a mad fury. ]
David Spade: Uh.. John’s a little preoccupied. We’ve got a great show, Billy Joel is here tonight! We’ll be right back!
Hostess…..Julia Sweeney David Klaunoff…..Phil Hartman Cheryl Green…..Ellen Cleghorne Christian DuBois…..John Malkovich Jerry Langley…..Adam Sandler Bob Poochie…..Rob Schneider
Hostess: Hello. and welcome to “Ruining It For Everyone”, the show that brings you people who have ruined things for everyone else. Our first guest is David Klaunoff. David, why don’t you tell us what you ruined for everyone else.
David Klaunoff: Well, back one evening in October 1972, I was in my kitchen making fudge for Halloween, and.. [ chuckles ] ..I don’t know how it happened, but.. a couple of razor blades got in there, and I, uh.. I gave them out to some trick-or-treaters! [ laughs ] Anyway, there was a big uproar.. I kind of spooked everybody..
Hostess: Well.. so, now, because of you, parents don’t allow their kids to eat unwrapped Halloween candy.
David Klaunoff: Yeah. I heard that some places outlawed trick-or-treating altogether! [ laughs ]
Hostess: Well, very impressive. Our next guest is Cheryl Green from Los Angeles. What did youruin for everybody?
Cheryl Green: Well, um.. I guess, um.. this was, like, around 1973.. when, um.. you know, gas stations first started to have Self-Serve. Well, anyway, um.. it was great for me, because, um.. I could pump my own gas, and then drive off without paying! [ laughs at herself ] And, um.. I guess that, um.. I kimnd of pioneered that practice.
Hostess: And, now gas stations make people pay before they can pump?
Cheryl Green: Um.. well.. yes. [ laughs ]
Hostess: Okay. Our next guest singlehandedly ruined a whole mode of traveling that had been popular for more than fifty years. Christian DuBois. Why don’t you tell us about it, Christian?
Christian DuBois: Certainly. It would be my pleasure. Uh.. well, you remember when a lot of people used to hitchhike.. and.. I used to hitchhike, too.. but.. one time, this guy in a green Chevy Nova was nice enough to give me a lift, and about.. five miles into the ride, I stabbed him repeatedly and left him for dead. And.. that.. that got a lot of press. and, to make things worse, I kind of went on this hitchhiking murder spree.. and.. ever since, people have been kind of gun-shy about picking up hitchhikers.
Hostess: So, you feel you ruined hitchhiking for everyone?
Christian DuBois: Well.. no. Practically.. I mean.. I myself still pick up hitchhikers.
Hostess: Really?
Christian DuBois: Yeah.. and then, I-I stab them.. which probably only makes things worse.
Hostess: Thank you, Christian.
Christian DuBois: Oh! Also – tamper-proof seals. That’s me, too. Sorry.
Hostess: Also with us, is Jerry Langley from New Jersey. Tell us your story, and what you ruined.
Jerry Langley: Well, uh uh.. a few years ago, I-I needed to go to the bathroom.. [ laughs ] ..so.. I-I-I stopped in this restaurant, and I asked if I could use theirs! And, uh.. I was in there, I went a little crazy, and, uh.. I just started whizzing all over the place! I whizzed in the sink, and on the mirrors.. I figured I’m not a customer, I could just whiz awat! I went back there the next night, and they had a sign up: “Bathroom for customers only.” [ laughs ]
Hostess: Well, then.. now, because of you, the general public can’t use the bathroom at that restaurant.
Jerry Langley: [ laughs ] Well, uh uh.. actually, I’ve done that at a lot of restaurants!
Hostess: And, finally, we have Bob Poochie. Now, Bob, you’ve ruined two things for everybody. Tell us about that.
Bob Poochie: To begin with, um.. I believe I’m the first man to go to topless bars and just sit there for hours, just watching the dancers without ordering a thing. I mean, I wouldn’t spend Dime One.
Hostess: And now, all those places have cover charges and a two-drink minimum.
Bob Poochie: That’s right.
Hostess: Uh.. and what was the other thing that you did?
Bob Poochie: [ clears throat ] Well, um.. I was also the first man eve.. to bring a woman to orgasm.
Hostess: [ amazed ] Really?!
Bob Poochie: Yeah. I mean, she swore she wouldn’t tell her friends.. but I guess the word got out.. and now, during sex, a lot of women just.. expect it.
Hostess: Okay. Uh.. let’s talk about the future. Uh.. any other plans for ruining things? David?
David Klaunoff: Well.. this Easter, I’m gonna make some chocolate Easter bunnies, and uh.. I’m gonna try to make sure there’s no razor blade in there, but – hey! Things happen! [ laughs ]
Hostess: Cheryl?
Cheryl Green: Um.. well, uh.. you know, uh.. how, in amusement parks they don’t have, uh.. metal detectors?
Hostess: [ uneasy ] Yes.
Cheryl Green: Well.. stay tuned! [ laughs ]
Hostess: I-I wouldn’t call it a plan.. but I have noticed how some people seem to have no fear of violent crime while they’re cycling. And, I-I’m gonna work on that, I have some ideas.
Hostess: Jerry – and you?
Jerry Langley: Uh.. you know, when you’re at your friend’s place, and they’ll let you use their bathroom? I-I’m gonna put an end to that!
Christian DuBois: Oh, and by the way – I’ve got a surprise for all of you who like Nutrasweet. Yeah. You’ll be hearing about it.
Hostess: Bob, is there anything else you’d like to ruin?
Bob Poochie: [ thinking ] I think I’ve done enough.
Hostess: I agree Thank you for joining us on “Ruining It For Everyone”. Join us next week, when our guests will be the inbventor of the radar gun, Ted Danson, and Patient Zero.
Anne Murray…..Melanie Hutsell John Kruk…..Chris Farley
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here to sing the Canadian National Anthem, is Canada’s own.. Anne Murray!
Anne Murray: [ singing ] “O Canada Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons’ command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free!”
[ shots of Anne Murray are interspersed with shots of the Phillies spitting chewing tobacco in the dugout ]
“From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard.. for.. thee.”
[ huge, dark wads of chewing tobacco spit drench Anne Murray from head to toe ]
Anne Murray: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Kenneth Reese-Evans…..Mike Myers Sir Tristan Kenniworth…..John Malkovich Dame Sarah Kensington…..Julia Sweeney Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Ohh, yes.. hello, and welcome to.. Theatre Stories! I’m your host, Kenneth Reese-Evans – otherwise known in British theatre circles as.. “Cucumber Jones”. With me, uhagghhhh, this evening..! Is acclaimed British actor – winner of five British Academy Awards – please welcome Sir Tristan, erggghhh.. Kenniworth.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Thank you, Cucumber, always a pleasure.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uh, yesss.. Also with us is Theatre Story perennial and mental case, Dame Sara K.. eugggghhhh.. Dame Sara!
Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name! They’re calling me again!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. sadly. And, also, with us, a special guest.. uuuhhh.. American film actor and racutner, Charlton, uh.. Heston!
Charlton Heston: Hello, Cucumber! I’m thrilled to be here!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sir Tristan, I’m, of ocurse, reminded of the time, uh.. you were in a production of Lear! At the Hay Market, and.. eaggghhhh.. during the storm sequence, you completely blanked on your lines.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. I didn’t know what to do, so, instead of the line “Fie fie, contempible storm!” I merely went: “Milk, milk, lemonade, the other side is where fudge is made!” And, do you know, ladies and gentlemen, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house?!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes! Yes, absolutely, I-I-I remember quite well, it was brilliant! It was.. it was a triumph! It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in the theatre! It was exciting to.. oh! [ his body has performed a 180 ] I seem to be rotating! Hold on.. I’ll catch you on the other side.. [ reaches a full 360 turn ] Yes! Wait a moment.. I will be locked into position, and.. there we are! Yes.. yes indeed. Very good. Ahhh.. Sharl-ten Hes-tine – I understand you haaaaaaaggggghhhve.. a very amusing story about the cinematic jaunt.. “the Planet of the Apes”.
Charlton Heston: That’s right, Cucumber.. On “Apes”, we didn’t have a caterer. All we had were ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas, ba-na-nas.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well, I’m, uh.. I-I’m thrilled to the marrow, you ghastly American.
Charlton Heston: I’ll kick your ass, you limey pansy!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Uhh, what a clever retort.
Dame Sarah Kensington: Am I allowed to say something?!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Sadly.
Dame Sarah Kensington: I played Ophelia once, to Mr. Potato Head’s Lear! He could never keep his eyebrows on!
Kenneth Rees-Evans: Ohhhh, my God! How very, very terrible. I would imagine it’d be very, very frustrating.. to, uh, work with a performer and be knee-deep with his interchangeable facial features! [ his body jaunts itself forward ] I seem to be completely horizontal! I’m nape with the earth, I’m looking straight at the ground.. [ suddenly corrects his posture ] ..and! There! I’ve snapped out of it! lovely! Sir Tristie – Sir Tristie! Few people know – uggghhh! – that not ohhhhhnly! Have wetrod the booooooardss together.. but that, we’ve also starred in many a-dult films.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Yes. Man-on-man films, mostly. I remember, uhhh.. I had a particularly demanding role in a production of “A Midsummer night’s Cream.”
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. yes, yes, yes.. I, of course, did “Cream” with a young Ralph Richardson. And.. I had to do a very long, ohhhhhhhhhhhh.. soliloquey! Whilst receiving what they call a “French gypsy” from said thespian. And do you know who that actor turned out to be? none other than Ralph Richardson. No word of it a lie – no wooooorrd! Of iiiiitt! A lie.
Dame Sarah Kensington: Mr. Potato Head’s member was twelve inches long, but he never used it as a rule!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: I.. I have always found it’s a challenge to perform a scene in iambic pentameter, whilst peeing on someone!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: No. I specifically chose the word “challenge”.
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Yes.. I remember once – ahhhhh – the National was mounting a production of “Barnyard Bunnies”, and I was in a menage-a-trois scene with a young Johnny Gilguld.. and, of course, Dame a-Judy a-Dench. and, as she was being “Dutch-doored”, she completely lost her place. Well, of ocurse, we had to improvise. And do you know who that young actress turned out to be? None other than a young Ralph Richardson.
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Really?
Kenneth Reese-Evans: No word of it a lieee!
Dame Sarah Kensington: I’m receiving a transmission from the Mother Ship!
Kenneth Reese-Evans: How terribly fascinating.
Charlton Heston: I’d like to re-lay this story, if I could right noooowww.. I was doing The March of Dimes celebrity tennis tournament, back in Santa Barbaraaaaaa.. And my partner was Bill Cosby, and right before the match, Bill told me he was a big fan of my work. And I said to him that I wish I could return the compliment, but I never liked his work. In “Leonard, Part 6”, he was constantly mugging up a storm! I felt like I was watching Stretch Armstrong. I’d say, “Billy! It’s film.. take it down a notch.” At firs,t he was mad; but, later on, we did a production of “Jurassic Pork“.. asnd we’ve become very tight!
Sir Tristan Kenniworth: Do I have time to relay an anecdote, from a production of “Two Genitals of Baronna”?
Kenneth Reese-Evans: Well.. I’m afraid that’s going to have to WAIT!! ‘m afraid that’s going to have to wait! Until another edition of.. eeeuuuuggghhhh! Theatre Stories! I’m your host – Cumcumber Jones. With me, of course, Dame Sara.. thank you, Tristie Kenniworth.. thank you, Charlton Hes-tine! And good night!
[ open on teenagers sitting around Richard’s room playing their guitars ]
Richard: Alright. First off, we need a name for our band, okay? Then we all learn how to play instruments.. then we get gigs.. and then every chick in the school digs us! Alright? So it’s starts with a name. I got two. Zaxxon, or Matrix. I like ’em both – which one?
David: Ugh..
Adam: Neither. How about Ray Gun?
Richard: Yeah. Right. Loverboy sounded good once, too.
David: I liked Loverboy. [ a beat ] Okay, uh.. how about.. Open Casket.
Richard: I don’t know.. it’s a little dark..
Mother’s Voice: Richard! What are you boys doing up there!
Richard: We’re talking, so shut up!!
Mother’s Voice: Don’t you use those words on me! Don’t you tell me to shut up!!
Richard: I swear to God, Ma, you gotta get off my back! [ excited ] Hey! That’s what we can call the band!
David: It’s too long. Okay, how about, um.. The Fairies.
Adam: We’re not gay!
David: I know! That’s the genius! ‘Cause it’s so opposite of what we are!
Richard: [ shaking his head ] No one would get that.
Chris: How about.. Pearl Jam?
Richard: Just shut up, idiot! There already is a Pearl Jam!
Chris: Err.. I mean.. Pearl Jam II.
Richard: [ aggravated ] Bands don’t have sequels! Alright, look – here’s how to do it, okay? Let’s figure out what we’re gonna sing about, and then we’ll think of a name.
David: Alright..
Adam: Okay.. Love, you know. We’ll write about being in love.
Richard: No, man! That’s been covered, that’s old news! Let’s talk about truth!
[ the gang is ecstatic about the idea ]
Richard: Right! And, no matter how big we get, we don’t date models!
David: Yeah.. yeah.. But.. but, can they be pretty girls?
Richard: Yeah. But not models.
Adam: Okay. How.. how pretty can they be?
Richard: [ getting annoyed ] As long as they never got paid for being pretty, okay? [ thinking ] You know, wait a second.. supermodels are okay, alright? But no lowball part-time model chicks! Okay? Now, what’s the truth we’re gonna sing about?
Chris: [ struggling to explain his idea ] How about.. this one time.. I stayed at.. my friend’s house. And, uh.. uh, I got crabs from his ouch, and.. so, I went into the bathroom to kill ’em.. and I set off a bug bomb. And.. and.. I sat in there for about two hours.. and.. I almost died!
Richard: [ nearly left speechless ] Okay, maybe love is good..
Mother’s Voice: Richard! It’s time to see your friends home, you’ve got school tomorrow!
Richard: Would you shut up?! I mean, can’t you just hut up for once in your stinkin’ life?! Just shut up!
Mother’s Voice: I’m gonna get your father to tan your hide when he gets here!
Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s go out and buy some pot.
Richard: You have money?
Melanie: No.
Richard: I guess we’re not gonna go get pot, then.
Melanie: Oh.. sorry. [ sits ]
David: Hey, you guys, we’ve gotta write songs about drugs! Alright? Like, remember “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds”? Lucy.. Sky.. Diamonds – L.S.D., right? See? Every song from the 70’s is about drugs. Give me any song.
Adam: “Hey Jude”.
David: “Hey Jude”? “Hey Heroin”! “Don’t make it bad”? “Don’t make a bad batch – of heroin.” See? Once you know what they’re doing, it’s easy! It’s like The Who, when they sang “Don’t Get Food Again”? “Food” is heroin!
Adam: [ laughing ] I think it’s “Don’t Get Fooled Again”!
David: No, it’s not! I saw him say it in an interview – he quoted it! And, like, on “Ticket To Ride” – Ride is the heroin trip, and Ticket is your dealer. Wait.. I think the ticket is just a ticket on that one..
Melanie: [ stands, grinning ] Hey, guys.. let’s get some pot!
Richard: [ confused ] Did you just make some money in the last five minutes?
Melanie: No.
Richard: Then, shut up! Plus, you know, I don’t really know if this band smokes pot, alright? It might not be their image! Alright, let’s vote. Who thinks this band should smoke pot?
[ everyone raises their hands ]
Alright. Well, when we’re making the bucks, it’ll be easy to get it.
Chris: [ awkwardly ] Mooney..? Man.. the best way to get some cash flow going.. is to invent something.. We need, like, a killer idea that.. like, the guy who, that, invented the Pet Rock? He’s got it made! ‘Cause.. in.. he.. does nothing.. ever! All he does.. is just kick back in his pad all day, and get baked! Cashing elephant.. checks.. and.. then.. errr.. what.. what was I saying? [ drifts off ]
Charles Barkley: Thank you! Alright! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I actually was not their first choice. They did want somebody from the NBA, but being Yom Kippur and all, I was the only one they could get. I’m one of the few non-Jewish players in the league. It’s been a fun week, working with the cast, watching Nirvana rehearse – even got to play a little basketball. You see, a while back I played basketball with Godzilla. Everyone here, and myself, thought it would be fun to have a rematch – you know, rent a gym, play a little one-on-one, but give the profits to charity.
[ dissolve to the basketball court, Charles bouncing the basketball ]
Charles Barkley V/O: We ran into a problem – at the last minute, Godzilla cancelled. We were incredibly lucky to find a worthy replacement – Barney.
[ Barney dances on the court ]
Charles Barkley: Hey, Barney, thanks for doing this on such short notice.
Barney: That’s okay, Charles. That’s what caring and sharing are all about!
Charles Barkley V/O: It really didn’t matter to me who won – I just wanted to have a good time..
[ Charles makes a series of slam dunks around Barney ]
Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] Hey, Barney! What’s going on? What we doin’, babe? What’s going on? [ jumps for slam funk, knocking Barney to the floor ]
[ a series of rough basketball moves that leads to Barney’s costume falling apart ]
Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] What’s wrong, bro? Had enough? [ smacks basketball on Barney’s head, knocking one of his fake eyes out ]
Charles Barkley V/O: We sure had a lot of laughs that day. We played a good game, but, most importantly, I made a new friend.
[ Charles and a beat-up Barney exit the court ]
[ dissolve back to Charles at Home Base ]
Charles Barkley: We’ve got a great show, Nirvana’s here, so stick with us, we’ll be right back!
Consumer #1: My Long Distance company gives me a discount when I call my favorite area code. What about my favorite zip code?
[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]
NCI Spokesman: NCI will discount your favorite area code, zip code, or any other type of code. We’re the leading discounter of codes.
[ Flash: “Code Discounts” ]
Consumer #2: Sometimes, when I call people, they’re not there to answer the phone. That bothers me.
NCI Spokesman: With NCI, the person you’re calling will always be there to answer the phone. No matter when you call – we guarantee it.
[ Flash: “The NCI Guarantee” ]
Consumer #3: People don’t call me as often as I like.
NCI Spokesman: With NCI, you’ll get calls all the time – from people who like you and respect you.
[ Flash: “Respect” ]
Consumer #3: What about pretty girls?
NCI Spokesman: Yes!
[ Flash: “Pretty Girls” ]
Consumer #4: How come 123456789 isn’t a number? Why can’t it be my number?
NCI Spokesman: Consider it done!
[ Flash: “Extra Long Phone Numbers” ]
Consumer #2: Can that be my number, too?
NCI Spokesman: Sure!
[ Flash: “Whatever” ]
Little Girl: I want a pony!
NCI Spokesman: Take a look in your backyard.
[ Flash: “Ponies” ]
Consumer #5: I hate my boss. I want him dead!
NCI Spokesman: That we will not do.
[ Flash: “No Murder” ]
Consumer #5: I want a phone company that will murder my boss.
NCI Spokesman: Fine. If you switch to NCI now – the next time you make a long-distance call, we will murder your boss. And you’ll recive one hour of free calls to anywhere in the continental United States.
[ Flash: “Fine, Murder” ]
[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]
NCI Spokesman: NCI. We want to be your phone company.
Air Date:
Smashing Pumpkins, “Cherub Rock”
