Goodnights
…..Nancy Kerrigan
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi. Thank you for coming. I want to — I hope you enjoyed the show. I want to thank Aretha Franklin for being here tonight. Good night!
Category: 1993
SNL Transcripts: Nancy Kerrigan: 03/12/94: Don Mateo
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 15
79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie
Don Mateo
Don Mateo…..Phil Hartman
Friend #1…..Mike Myers
Friend #2…..Norm MacDonald
Stacy…..Nancy Kerrigan
Pedro…..David Spade
Torino Brothers…..Chris Farley, Adam Sandler
[ A cantina in Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. The dapper-dressed Don Mateo sits at a table and welcomes two guests, who sit down. ]
Don Mateo: Welcome, my American friends.
Friend #1: Good to see you, Don Mateo.
Friend #2: How are ya, buddy?
Don Mateo: Have some sangria. We drink to friendship, to life, and most importantly, to love.
Friends: To love. [ they toast, and take a sip ]
Don Mateo: There she is … [ points elsewhere ] … the hot-blooded seorita I told you of.
Friend #2: Oh, she’s very pretty, Don Mateo.
Don Mateo: Oh, yes. But she has a fiery temper! Her blood runs hot like the lava in a volcano. And if you get too close, SSSSSSS!! — you get burned.
Friend #1: And that doesn’t scare you away, Don Mateo?
Don Mateo: [ takes another sip ] Not at all. The more she spits fire, the stronger my love grows. Shh — here she comes.
[ Stacy approaches them with menus ]
Stacy: Hi. My name is Stacy. I’m your waitress today, and I’ll be right back — um — and I’ll be um, telling you our specials in just a minute. [ walks away ]
Don Mateo: [ giggles ] Someday, my friends, I will turn that burning heart of h’anger into a heart of love! [ nods, takes another sip ]
Friend #1: Well, good luck.
[ Stacy comes back ]
Stacy: Okay, our specials today are seared tuna, and that comes with rice and beans, and the shrimp fajita which also comes with rice and beans. Let me know when you’re ready to order. [ leaves ]
Don Mateo: Arrrrrr. You see how she tortures me, no?
Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Actually, um, are you sure she’s the one you’re talking about, Don?
Don Mateo: Of course.
Friend #2: Are you sure, Don? ‘Cause you know, a lot of these waitresses look similar, with the outfits and all, y’know?
Don Mateo: [ nods ] Just wait, my American friends. [ waves two fingers in the air ] You shall see.
Friend #1: … ‘kay.
[ Stacy comes back ]
Friend #1: Hi. Uh, I’ll have the seared tuna.
Friend #2: Yeah, me too.
Don Mateo: [ dramatically ] I, too, will have the tuna. SEARED in the ANGER of your fiery ANGER!
Stacy: Okay. So that’s three seared tunas. [ leaves ]
Don Mateo: [ giggles ] You see, she is like the snake. So pretty when coiled, but you get too close, SHE STRIKES! [ laughs ]
Friend #1: Okay. All right. But uh, right now she’s still coiled, right? I mean, she didn’t strike just now, did she?
Friend #2: Hey, maybe we missed it, uh, maybe she struck fast, and uh, y’know, we didn’t notice?
Friend #1: Yeah. Yeah.
Don Mateo: I see you do not understand Stacy Henderson as I do. You must taste her venom for yourselves. [ snaps his fingers; Stacy comes back ] Stacy, por favor, tell these gentlemen what brings you to Mexico, and tell them every fiery detail.
Stacy: Well, I’m a junior at the University of Wisconsin, majoring in communications, and I’m taking two language credits here at the Puerto Vallarta extension campus. I’ll be right back with your food. [ leaves ]
Don Mateo: [ giggles, nods ] You see? She begins to show her true colors. Surely you have heard of the University of Wisconsin? And their mascot? The badger? Have you ever come face to face with a badger?!?
Friend #1: No.
Friend #2: No.
Don Mateo: Well … [ nods ] neither have I, but I have read about them, and they are said to be very fiery-tempered! Quiet, here she comes …
[ Stacy comes back with a tray ]
Stacy: While you guys are waiting, why don’t you have some chips and salsa on the house? [ places them on a table and leaves ]
Don Mateo: Did you see that, my friends? She breathes fire like a volcano.
[ awkward pause ]
Friend #1: I gotta tell ya, Don Mateo, uh, she still didn’t seem that fiery to me.
Friend #2: [ eating chip ] This salsa’s pretty hot.
Don Mateo: Quiet — here come my sworn enemies, the Torino brothers. They hate me with a fiery HATE!
[ The Torino brothers, a mariachi duo, approach the table with a song ]
Torino Brothers: [ singing to the tune of “Cielito Lindo” ]
Oh, Don Mateo,
It’s lovely to see you this evening.
Oh, Don Mateo,
For a lifetime we’ll treasure your friendship.
Don Mateo, our amigo, our friend.
[ They leave ]
Don Mateo: Did you hear that?
Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Yes, that fat one’s like uh, like a volcano of hate!
Don Mateo: Yes!!
Friend #1: Yeah.
Don Mateo: He is.
Friend #2: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, and how about that uh, snake of a brother of his, huh? He’s scary.
Don Mateo: Yes, you are right. Their hatred is too much, even for me. I must leave this place. Pedro! [ snaps fingers ] Bring my burro.
[ Pedro brings a stuffed donkey on wheels ]
Don Mateo: Please stay back. For my burro is fiery-tempered! He has trampled many men, just for sport. [ Pedro gives him the harness as he gets on the donkey ] Thank you, Pedro. He’s a wild one, eh?
Pedro: Yes, Don Mateo. Yes sir. Fiery tempered. Like a volcano full of snakes.
Stacy: Would you like me to wrap your seared tuna?
Don Mateo: Do not tease me, devil woman!! [ she leaves ]
Pedro: Shall I give him another push, sir?
Don Mateo: Perhaps. But be careful. If you were hurt, I would be angry at myself, and I have a fiery temper.
Pedro: Oh, yes! Yes. [ rolls the donkey away, as the two friends wave goodbye ]
[ fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue
Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue
…..Nancy Kerrigan
Male Audience Member 1…..Dave Attell
Male Audience Member 2…..James Downey
Male Audience Member 3…..Fred Wolf
Male Audience Member 4…..Norm MacDonald
Oksana Baiul…..David Spade
Translator…..Michael McKean
Female Audience Member 1…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member 5…..Jay Mohr
Male Audience Member 6…..Tom Davis
Female Audience Member 2…..
Jeff Gillooly…..Rob Schneider
Tonya Harding…..Melanie Hutsell
Shawn Eckhardt…..Chris Farley
Nancy Kerrigan: Thank you very much, thanks, thanks, thank you very much, thanks (speaking over applause). Its a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Before we begin Id like to clear something up. When I was at Disneyworld, on the float with Mickey, what I actually said was, “This is the horniest thing Ive ever done.” (much audience laughter) But the real reason Im happy to be on the show tonight, this is my chance to get some things off my chest. Im here on live TV, uncensored, and Im ready to talk. So, go ahead, no topic is off limits, ask me anything you want about the last few months. (turns to acknowledge audience member) Over here?
(Male Audience Member 1 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 1: Yeah, I dont know how to say this so Im just gonna ask, what exactly is an axle? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Well ok, an axle is the only jump that takes off going foreword. You jump from one outside edge of one skate, and you land on the outside edge of the other skate. Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 2: Umm, can I ask you a question about Tonya Harding?
Nancy Kerrigan: Sure.
Male Audience Member 2: Are you jealous of Tonya Harding (much audience laughter), I mean you work so hard all your life and then she just steps in and wins 5 gold medals. (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Tonya Harding didnt win 5 gold medals.
Male Audience Member 2: Di..did I say Tonya Harding? I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) Are you jealous of Bonnie Blair?
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, no I was really happy for Bonnie Blair, shes great.
Male Audience Member 2: Oh
Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 3 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 3: Yeah, uhh, I think its very brave of you to come out here tonight and talk about Tonya Harding, I cant believe youve been quiet this long. Now, I have a question about speed skates, why are they longer than regular figure skates? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Well
Male Audience Member 3: I mean it seems like you could go faster on shorter skates.
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I dont know the physics of it, but I think the longer skates give you more leverage. Uhh yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up again)
Male Audience Member 2: Uh yeah, I have another question, uhh, after all this, do you hate Tonya Harding? I… (puts hand to head)…I did it again, I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) I… Ive got Tonya Harding on the brain.
Nancy Kerrigan: No, I dont hate Bonnie Blair; I just said that shes great. But I would like talk about whats happened to me recently. Uhh yes over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 4 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 4: Yeah, I got a question, uhh, wasnt it great that, after falling all those times, Tonya Harding finally won a gold?
Nancy Kerrigan: I think you mean Dan Jansens gold.
Male Audience Member 4: Yeah. Dan Jan… didnt I say Dan Jansen? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: No, you said Tonya Harding.
Male Audience Member 4: Geeze, now hes got me doing it.
(shot of Male Audience Member 2)
(much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, yes over here. (turns to acknowledge two audience members)
(Translator and Oksana Baiul in audience standing up)
(much audience laughter)
Oksana Baiul: (light whimpering, sad expression)
Nancy Kerrigan: Oksana Baiul, Im glad youre here.
(Oksana speaks inaudibly to Translator)
Translator: (Russian accent, translating) She says, she says she does not speak English, and nothing you say is making any sense, because the language youre speaking is not the language she is speaks in her country.
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Female Audience Member 1 standing up in audience)
Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, can I ask a question about that whole knee thing?
Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, please go ahead.
Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, uh, what makes the human knee bend? (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, its a ball and socket joint that swings kinda like this. (swings arm to demonstrate) Yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Male Audience Member 5 in audience standing up)
Male Audience Member 5: Uh yeah, I have a question.
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.
Male Audience Member 5: Not for you, for the girl who asked about the knee. (much audience laughter)
Female Audience Member 1: Yeah?
Male Audience Member 5: Look, if youre really interested about the knee, I got this great book that explains like the whole leg. (much audience laughter) So if you want it, I…I can talk to you after the show.
Female Audience Member 1: Great.
Male Audience Member 6: Umm yeah, I…I…I have a question about Tonya.
Nancy Kerrigan: Let me guess, Tonya Roberts, right?
Male Audience Member 6: No, Tonya Tucker (much audience laughter), do you think shes had a rough life being married to Glenn Campbell?
Nancy Kerrigan: I dont really know. Yeah? (turns to acknowledge audience member)
(Female Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)
Female Audience Member 2: Hi, is it true that because of the Martin Lawrence monologue, hosts are now only allowed to take questions from the audience?
Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, thats true. Over here (turns to acknowledge three audience members)
(Jeff Gillooly, Tonya Harding, Shawn Eckhardt in audience stand up)
Tonya Harding: Yeah, uh, (much audience laughter) we have a question.
Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.
Tonya Harding: Uh, whos hosting the show next week?
Jeff Gillooly: Yeah, do they need someone to host (much audience laughter), I mean we could… you know (gestures to Tonya and Shawn Eckhardt) (much audience laughter)
Nancy Kerrigan: Uhh, I think they have a host. Ok weve got a great show, Aretha Franklin is here (audience cheers), so stick around well be right back.
(fade to black)
Submitted by: Jeb
St. Patricks Day Parade
St. Patricks Day Parade
…..Nancy Kerrigan
Mayor Duffy…..Phil Hartman
Driver…..Kevin Nealon
Drunk Dude…..Chris Farley
A Kerrigan Fan…..Jay Mohr
Inquisitive Guy…..Adam Sandler
(Mayor Duffy and Nancy Kerrigan seated on trunk of convertible with feet on back seat. In background a marching band (chroma keyed) follows the car, crowd is seen on either side. Subtitle appears: Chipponsett Rhode Island then fades out)
Mayor Duffy: (in a thick Rhode Island accent) Miss Kerrigan, I cant tell you how much it means to this town that you came down here to be in our parade.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hey, it’s St. Patricks Day, how could I say no?
Mayor Duffy: Ah no, you dont understand, Miss Kerrigan. This [bird? burg?] has been in the crapper ever since the fishstick plant burned down. Means a lot that a sports superstar would be here for us.
Nancy Kerrigan: Its my pleasure, Mr. Mayor.
Driver: He aint kidding, Miss Kerrigan, this town is like an old, dirty toilet bowl full of puke, and, you know, you being here is like a ray of sunshine or somethin.
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thank…
(Drunk Dude runs up to the car spilling beer, yells)
Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! Irish number one!
Mayor Duffy: Get the hell outta here you damn pig!
(Mayor Duffy hits the Drunk Dude multiple times with his cane; Drunk Dude falls over and off camera)
Mayor Duffy: Oh my lord, that animal spilled beer all over you Miss Kerrigan.
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thats ok; he didnt get much on me.
Driver: I think I might have run him over Mayor Duffy.
Mayor Duffy: Oh you think its possible? Gee imagine if you ran over his neck so his spine shattered completely. Why, his head would flop around on his shoulders like a flounder on a dock, wouldnt it? (mayor laughs) A man can dream cant he Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Its ok; all he did was spill a little beer on me.
Mayor Duffy: And for that Im truly sorry Miss Kerrigan. For you to take time out of your busy schedule to come to a miserable, rat infested, armpit of a town like this, and have something like that happen to ya. It just breaks my heart.
(Kerrigan fan runs up to the car)
Kerrigan Fan: Hey hey.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.
Kerrigan Fan: Whats up?
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, not much.
Kerrigan Fan: Hey, you were good in the Olympics.
Nancy Kerrigan: Thanks.
Mayor Duffy: Hey pal, give Miss Kerrigan some breathing room, huh?
Kerrigan Fan: Hey was I talking to you chump?
Mayor Duffy: Alright, thats it! (Mayor threatens with cane, Kerrigan Fan runs off) You ok Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Sure, Im fine.
Mayor Duffy: Hey, some Johnny Walker Miss Kerrigan? (pulls a flask out of his jacket)
Nancy Kerrigan: No thanks.
Mayor Duffy: Well pardon me. I know Im just the mayor of a depressing, pus oozing, sewer of a town in Rhode Island, but I dont have any diseases, I can assure you that.
Driver: You ok back there Mayor Duffy?
Mayor Duffy: (Irish accent) Oh Tommy me boy, were having a grand old time back here. Well la di da Miss Kerrigan, happy St. Pats.
(Drunk Dude climbs up behind Mayor and Miss Kerrigan on the trunk of the car)
Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! (beat repeatedly on the head by the mayor) Son of a… (falls off the car)
Mayor Duffy: I thought I crippled him before. Hell be seeing cock-eyed for a few weeks Ill wager.
Driver: Aint that Danny Doyles kid?
Mayor Duffy: You know, I believe that was.
Driver: (laughs) Funny story Miss Kerrigan: last year we got that Andrew McCarthy kid from the movies as our grand marshal. He was acting a little high and mighty, you know? So Danny Doyles oldest son and a few of his friends took him out afterwards and beat the living hell out of him.
Mayor Duffy: (laughs) Them kids were so wasted out of their minds, they kept falling over as they were kicking the esteemed Mr. McCarthy in the head.
Driver: It was a sight to behold.
(Inquisitive Guy runs up to the car)
Inquisitive Guy: Hey.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.
Inquisitive Guy: Hey, howd you get that job in the Olympics?
Nancy Kerrigan: You mean skating? I uh, practiced every day for like eighteen years.
Inquisitive Guy: (laughs) Seriously, howd you get that job?
Nancy Kerrigan: I practiced.
Inquisitive Guy: Uh-uh. I asked you a question, howd you get that job?
Nancy Kerrigan: Uh, my father knows the president of the Olympics.
Inquisitive Guy: Oh god, must be nice.
Mayor Duffy: Alright thats enough, back off! (waves cane at Inquisitive Guy)
Inquisitive Guy: Hey get that cane out of my face! (throws beer on Mayor and Miss Kerrigan)
Mayor Duffy: Argh!
Inquisitive Guy: Heres some for you. (throws some beer at Driver)
Mayor Duffy: Aw geeze. Well, it wouldnt be St. Paddys Day if you didnt get soaked with beer before noon, hunh Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Right.
Mayor Duffy: You gotta love it.
Driver: So Miss Kerrigan, you think your fathers friend could get my son a job at the olympics?
Mayor Duffy: Pipe down there Tommy.
Driver: Nice day for a parade Mayor Duffy.
Mayor Duffy: Aww, it surly is. I just wish we could keep driving right the hell out of this foul, nauseating, garbage dump of a town.
Driver: Yeah, it would be nice, would be nice.
Mayor Duffy: Forget this hell on earth even exists.
Nancy Kerrigan: But youre the mayor.
Mayor Duffy: Well, a man can dream Miss Kerrigan, a man can dream.
Submitted by: Jeb
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
93o: Nancy Kerrigan / Aretha Franklin
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
…..Kevin Nealon
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Bono…..Adam Sandler
[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]
Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon!
[dissolve to video of Kevin wearing a figure skaters dress, spinning in a circle. Cut to the Weekend Update set. Applause]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, Im Kevin Nealon.
Smokers and tobacco industry workers marched on Washington Wednesday to protest a proposed cigarette tax hike. [As Kevin turns to watch the video played on the screen behind him, coughing sound effects are heard] The protestors, however, unexpectedly disbanded after two blocks due to emphysema.
Russian president Boris Yeltsin angrily cancelled a meeting with Richard Nixon this week after Nixon met with political rivals in Moscow. Yeltsin had scheduled this meeting with Nixon in hopes of showing the Russian people what an unpopular president really looks like. [photo of an elderly Nixon]
Well, Biosphere 2 started up again this week, and the budget for the experiment has been drastically reduced. In fact, this ones just two guys under the sneeze guard of a Sizzlers salad bar.
And the tabloid television hit a new low this week as NBCs Stone Phillips interviewed Jeffrey Dahmer, and ABCs Diane Sawyer met with Charles Manson. And in perhaps the scariest interview, MTVs Kurt Loeder did a one-hour special with Yanni.
In other TV news, the controversial same-sex kiss on Roseanne propelled it to #1 in the Nielsen ratings last week. Hoping for a similar ratings boost for tomorrows McLaughlin Group, Jack Germond will soul kiss Morton Condracke.
Kevin Nealon: You do what you gotta do.
At last weeks Grammy awards, Frank Sinatra was rudely cut off before completing his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement Award. Here to finish the speech he started, please welcome Old Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra.
[polite applause as Frank enters]
Frank Sinatra: Thanks, Chevy.
OK, heres the rest of my speech: Thanks for the award. Drive home safely. Good night.
Kevin Nealon: The Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentlemen. [Kevin gives Frank a standing ovation; applause]
The Supr- The Supreme Court ruled in favor of 2 Live Crew this week for the rappers to parody the classic rock song Oh Pretty Woman. Legal experts knew it was going the way of the rap group when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg interrupted with a question and Clarence Thomas said Shut up, ho.
Heres a quick look at the Doppler radar. [picture of a large satellite dish] There you have it.
In entertainment news, Kurt Cobain almost reached Nirvana this week. [applause]
And on Friday, the Supreme Court ruled that homosexuals could march in Bostons St. Patricks Day parade, causing sponsors to cancel the event. A spokesperson said organizers of the parade which normally attracts loud, drunken revelers were afraid to include anyone who might cause a disgrace.
Kevin Nealon: Interesting. And now, here with a St. Patricks Day song is U2s lead singer, Bono. Bono, whaddaya got?
[pan to Bono; applause]
Bono: Thank you! For too many years, St. Patricks Day has gone hand-in-hand with reckless consumption of alcohol. But is doesnt have to. I hope this song helps you find other fun things to do this year.
[plays his guitar, singing along]
Ohhh, Ohhh, Ohhh
Nuh-haaaaa,
Nuh-haaaaa,
Sometimes its fun to slide on the kitchen floor in a new pair of socks.
Sometimes its fun to paint dots on your face and tell people you have chicken pox.
Sometimes its fun to make a castle out of pudding, chocolate or butterscotch.
Then its fun to take that pudding and rub it all over ex-Mayor Koch.
No doing beer bongs, no Jägermeister shooters,
No head-butting your mom, no grabbing your cousins hooters.
Dont get wasted this St. Paddys Day.
Nuh-haaaaa
Sometimes its fun to have a staring contest until somebody blinks.
Sometimes its fun to send a bar of soap to a girl you know who stinks.
Sometimes its fun to go to the arcade and try to get high score on Zaxxon.
Sometimes I watch The Karate Kid where the guy from Happy Days says wax on.
People listen to me for goodness sake!
You dont need a beer, just have yourself a Shamrock Shake.
So green and creamy!
Green and creamy
I Dream of Jeannie
Veal scallopini
Shirley Feeney
Nuh-haaaaa
No more getting wasted, no more getting silly.
No more waking up with two naked guys from Chile.
For Gods sake, stay sober on St. Paddys Day.
Thank you very much.
Kevin Nealon: Bono, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you Bono. Makes a lot of sense.
Well, a new study shows that traffic lights may not give senior citizens enough time to cross the street. The problem is worse for men over 65, because many cant walk that fast with their pants pulled up to their chests.
Alright, lets take a look at temperatures around the country: 88, 45, 52, and 76.
Fruit of the Loom announced it will close its Franklin, Kentucky plant next month. The company will cut 180 jobs, including 179 assembly line workers and Inspector #34.
In the Big Apple, New Yorks Empire State Building will soon be made accessible for the physically disabled. A spokesman said among other things a wheelchair ramp will be installed. The ramp will begin at Central Park, leading 26 blocks to up to the buildings observation deck.
Theres been so much snow in New York City, many vehicles have been completely snowed in. Fortunately, all the cabbies are safe. Crews just look for middle fingers sticking up through the snow.
Kevin Nealon: Im Kevin Nealon, and thats news to me.
[cheers and applause; fade]
Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo
SNL Transcripts: Helen Hunt: 03/19/94
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 19th, 1994
Helen Hunt
Snoop Doggy Dogg
Cindy Crawford
Cindy Crawford introduces news-explaining rockers.
Hunt shows clips from her regrettful early TV appearances.
Employees (David Spade, Hunt) are rude to passengers.
Linda Richman (Mike Myers) chats with old family friend Hunt.Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
Dick Vitale (Jay Mohr) makes his Oscar picks.Bennett Brauer’s (Chris Farley) finger quotations makes him airborne.Recurring Characters: Bennett Brauer.
Cowards discuss their weakest moments.
Director (Michael McKean) has unique way to draw emotion in actress (Hunt).
In sequel, mute Ada (Ellen Cleghorne) finds a washing machine.
Inventor (Kevin Nealon) shows off his miracle egg-fryer.
Milton is cramped into a storage room.
Rob Scheider’s girlfriend (Hunt) is meaner than ever, even in song.
Total Bastard Airlines
Total Bastard Airlines
Steward…..David Spade
Stewardess…..Helen Hunt
Passenger 1…..Kevin Nealon
Passenger 2…..Jay Mohr
Passenger 3…..Mike Myers
Passenger 4…..Chris Farley
Passenger 5…..Sarah Silverman
Pilot…..Julia Sweeney
Passenger 6…..Rob Schneider
Passenger 7…..Adam Sandler
Passenger 8…..Norm MacDonald
Passenger 9…..Ellen Cleghorne
Passenger 10…..Tim Meadows
Passenger 11…..Tom Davis
Intercom: This concludes the safest part of our journey. Thank you for flying Total Bastard Airlines. As we indicated at the start of the flight, we at Total Bastard Airlines are bitter about the career paths we have taken, and we do then to take that out on our passengers. We at Total Bastard Airlines realize that in your travel plans you have a choice of many airlines, but we’d like to thank you for flying the blue skies of Total Bastard.
Steward: Okay, here we go – thanks for flying with us, buh-bye. Buh-bye! Thanks, now. Buh-bye.
Stewardess: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Hey, you live here in Pittsburgh?
Passenger 1: Uh.. no, actually, I –
Steward: Buh-bye! Buh-bye.
Passenger 2: Uh, excuse me, could you tell me –
Stewardess: Buh-bye. I’m sorry, what part didn’t you understand – the buh or the bye? Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye.
Passenger 3: Hi, I’m getting a connecting flight to Denver, and I was wondering if you know the gate?
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 3: Yeah, I’m.. I’m just about..
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 3: But if you just wait..
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. You’re very heavy.
Passenger 4: [ angry ] What did you say to me?!
Steward: [ defensive ] What?! I said “Buh-bye!” I just said “Buh-bye” 40 times in a row, why would I say anything else, it doesn’t make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: Hi, I was just wondering –
Steward: No, no, no – buh-bye! Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: Excuse, me.. hello! You have been rude to me..
Steward: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: ..the entire flight –
Stewardess: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: No! I wanted a blanket,
Steward: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: and you never –
Stewardess: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: ..you never brought it to me –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: And I will –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: I will –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: I will –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: You are so rude!
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: I will never fly –
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: This is ridiculous!
Pilot: Buh-bye!
Passenger 5: Screw this!! [ exits plane ]
Steward: Thanks for coming, buh-bye.
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Steward: Buh-bye. Today! Peg-leg!
Stewardess: Ah, good, good.. I guess this is the part of the trip where we all wait for you! How fun! Okay. Buh-bye.
Passenger 6: [ on crutches ] I’m sorry, I just broke my leg –
Steward: How strange! I swear she said “Buh-bye”, yet I still see your mouth flapping!
Passenger 6: Yeah, but I –
Steward: Ah, there it is again, the flapping mouth, how odd. I want to see motion, movement, buh-bye.
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Steward: Okay, take care. Sorry about the leg. Buh-bye.
Passenger 7: I’m gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal!
Steward: Great! Buh-bye.
Passenger 7: No, no, no, there’s more! I’m gonna pound your face in.
Steward: Okay, slick. Buh-bye.
Passenger 7: I’m gonna destroy you.
Steward: Buh-bye!
Passenger 7: I am gonna kick the crap out of you!!
Steward: Yeah?! Buh-bye!
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 8: Yeah, I –
Stewardess: Knock-knock.
Passenger 8: Who’s there?
Stewardess: Buh-bye.
Passenger 8: Uh, I don’t get it.
Stewardess: There’s nothing to get. Buh-bye.
Passenger 9: Excuse me, could you tell me where the baggage claim will be?
Stewardess: Mmm.. your baggage.. right.. what was it I wanted to tell you about your baggage? Oh, yeah – nobody cares, buh-bye!
Steward: Buh-bye.
Passenger 10: Hi, uh, could you arrange for me–
Steward: Buh-bye.
Stewardess: Yeah, buh-bye.
Passenger 10: I have this carry-on, and I was just wondering –
Steward: Here’s me: “Buh-bye.” Here’s you: “I wanna say something important!” Me: “Buh-bye.” You: “I’m Joe Carry-on, let me through, I’m a big man. I don’t check nothing.” Me: “Buh-bye.” You: “I’m cool, I wear a suit, no way am I a loser.” Well, you’re wrong, now buh-bye!
Stewardess: Hi, what are you listening to?
Passenger 11: Hits from the seventies.
Steward: Whoa, the 70’s! I love the 70’s! [ singing ] “Awww, buh-bye!” “C’est bye! Buh-bye!” “Do the buh-bye!” [ whistles ] “Do the buh-bye!” “That’s the way, buh-bye buh-bye, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!”
Stewardess: Okay, okay, show’s over, folks, let’s move! Buh-bye! Let’s pick this thing up, let’s go for it. One.. two.. three.. buh-bye!
Steward: Bye bye, thanks a lot. Cattle. [ pikcs up phone ] Security. We’re coming off the plane now. Can we have an escort through the terminal. Thanks. Buh-bye!
SNL Transcripts: Sara Gilbert: 01/15/93
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 15th, 1994
Sara Gilbert
Counting Crows
None
Recurring Characters: John Bobbitt, Tonya Harding.
(Repeat) See: 11/14/92.
Recurring Characters: Simon.
Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy, Cindy.
Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner.
Recurring Characters: Bryant Gumbel.
Gap Girls At The Mall
Gap Girls At The Mall
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Boss…..Chris Farley
Missy…..Sara Gilbert
Tammy…..Rob Schneider
Lucy: Hurry up and munch those fries, we’ve got to get back to work soon! [ smirks ]
Kristy: Oh, no.. I can’t fold anymore, my hands are killing me! I think I’m getting that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.
Lucy: You don’t have it – you can only catch it from a computer.
Kristy: Well.. it’s definitely some sort of a syndrome.
Lucy: Maybe you’re getting Cheesball Syndrome, from folding all those cheesy sweaters we just got in!
[ they laugh like cats ]
Kristy: No joke! I’m so sick of that palce! The next customer that comes in, I’m gonna go, “Hi! Welcome to the Gap! Can I sell you some crap?”
Lucy: [ giggles ] I dare you!
[ the Boss enters the Food Court, and sits with the Gap Girls ]
Boss: Hey, girls! Did I miss anything?
Lucy: Nothing. Kristy’s being stupid again!
Boss: Hey, that reminds me – I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson likes shopping at K-Mart, ’cause.. there was a sale! [ laughs ]
Lucy: You scrwed it up, Dumbo! He went shopping at K-Mart, ’cause he heard little boys’ pants were half-off.
Boss: Aw, that’s right..
Lucy: He’s so out of it, he’s a freak!
Kristy: [ alarmed ] That’s not fair! You guys are already convicted him! All of his charges are based on hearsay and contenture! It’s all circumstantial, anectodal evidence!
Lucy: What?
Kristy: I’m just telling you what I heard.
Lucy: Do you even know what those words mean?
Kristy: No! [ laughs ]
Boss: You guys have been watching too much Court TV!
Kristy: I know.. have you been following the Mennondendez Trial?
Boss: Yeah! Did you see their lawyers hair?
Lucy: Oh, my God! She’s guilty of a bad perm!
Boss: Really. I ob-ject! I mean, it’s like being represented by Sammy Hagar!
Kristy: Hey, which one of the brothers got his thing cut off?
Lucy: Um.. I think that’s the older one.. [ grbs handful of fries ] God, I love these fries!
Boss: [ laughing ] If you love’ em so much, why don’t you marry ’em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?
Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..
Boss: [ munches away ] These are good!
Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?
Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?
Boss: [ grabs Lucy’s collar ] Lay off, man, I’m STARVING! [ pause ] Diet starts Monday!
[ Tammy and Missy enter from the Donut Hut ]
Missy: Oh, look, Tammy, it’s the Gap Girls, and they’re eating. What a surprise!
Tammy: So, Kristy, you still going out with that a-hole Paul?
Kristy: [ silently ] Maybe..
Lucy: No way! You said you were gonna blow him off!
Kristy: I know.. but you guys don’t understand him..
Missy: I understand – he’s a loser! You’ve got to get rid!
Lucy: Ya, and he’s so mean to you. Doesn’t he always tell you you look like you’ve slept on your face?
Kristy: Yeah.. but he’s just really honest.
Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?
Kristy: Well, he’s just really sensitive – he’s a Cancer.
Lucy: [ weepy-wyed ] Kristy, listen to yourself! I hate to see this happen to you! You’re my best friend!
[ everyone tries not to laugh ]
Boss: Really, Kristy. Give him the keys to the street, and do it tonight!
[ Four Days Later ]
[ Tammy and re-enter the Food Court to almost identical positions ]
Tammy: So, Kristy, still going out with that a-hole Paul?
Kristy: I can’t believe we’re all wearing the same thing we did four days ago!
Lucy: No, we aren’t!
Kristy: Trust me – we are. Anyway, I told Paul to haul ass!
Missy: More like he told you!
Kristy: Not even. He came over, and I went to get the mail, and when I came back, and I was all, “Did you use my phone to call a girl?” And he was all, “No!” So I picked it up, and I hit redial, and, lo and behold.. [ imiiates dialing noise ] “Hello?” I’m all, “You’re busted, sweetie.. and so are you, Paul! GET OUT!!
Lucy: Wow! you are the queen of phone trickery!
Missy: So, how are those fries Kristy? Trying to put a little chunk in your trunk?
Kristy: Me? You’re the one looking a little loose in the caboose – you Donut Hut slut!
[ everyone oohs ]
Boss: Yeah, Missy! You’re so dumb.. when they were passing out brains, you thought they said “Trains”.. and then, you got on it.. on a train, then went for a ride!
Missy: That didn’t even make sense!
Boss: Shut up!
Missy: Whatever!
Kristy: Really, whatever!
Tammy: Whatever!! Have fun making minmum wage, girls!
[ Tammy and Missy turn and exit ]
Kristy: You, too.. creep.
Lucy: Geez.. those two are always..
Kristy & Lucy: O.T.R.!
Boss: [ gasps ] you two are terrible!
[ they laugh as the scene zooms out to fade ]
Lunch Lady Land
Lunch Lady Land
…..Sara Gilbert
Adam Sandler: This is a song about the high school experience sung through the eyes of the person who – more than anyone else – puts young people on the right path. I’m not talking about the teachers, I’m not talking about the coaches, I’m not even talking about the guidence counselors. I’m talking about a person we call.. The Lunch Lady.
[ singing ]
Woke up in the morning, put on my new plastic glove.
Served some reheated salsbury steak with a little slice of love.
I got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of..
Just know everything’s doing fine down here in…
LUNCHLADY LAND
Well I wear this net on my head..cuz my red hair is fallin’ out.
I wear these brown orthapedic shoes cuz I got a bad case of the gout.
I know you want seconds on the corn dogs,
but there’s no reason to shout.
Everybody gets enough food down here in the magical..
LUNCHLADY LAND.
(G. E. Smith & band joins in)
Well yesterday’s meatloaf is today’s sloppy joes.
And my breath reaks of tuna
and there’s lots of black hairs comin’ out of my nose.
AH
Hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders
navy beans, navy beans, navy beans, navy beans.
hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders
navy beans, navy beans..MEATLOAF SANDWICH.
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe ooh-yeah
(with Chris Farley)
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe -YEAH
Then one morning that I woke up to see
aw the pepperoni pizza was lookin at me.
It screamed why do you burn me and serve me up cold,
I said a I got the spatula – just do what you’re told.
And the liver and onions started joining the fight
and the chocolate pudding pushed me with all its might
and the chop suey slapped me and it kicked me in the head
it’s called revenge LunchLady said the garlic bread
I said what did I do to make you all so mad?
You got flabby arms and your breath is bad.
And the green beans said you better run and hide
but then my friend Sloppy Joe came and joined my side.
He said if it wasn’t for the Lunch Lady the kids wouldn’t eat ya
You should be shakin’ her hand and sayin’ pleased to meet ya
She gives you a purpose and she gives you a goal
You should be kissin’ her feet or kissin’ her mole
Now all the angry food just leave me alone,
And we all live together in our happy home a thanks to
Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe yeah
Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe ooh yeah
Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe yeah
(slower) Sloppy Joe Slop Sloppy Joe well..
Me and Sloppy Joe got married.
We got six kids and we’re doin’ just fine.
Down in Lunch Lady Land
OHH WOAH!
Transcribed by Richard Wludyga