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SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/13/95: Zagat’s

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 20: Episode 20

Zagat’s

Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler
Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Pauline…..David Duchovny

[Open in on a graphic showing a restaurant dinette set with “ZAGAT’S” written at the top in bold white letters]

Announcer V/O: “Zagat’s, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[The graphic adds the hosts’ names before fading away. The camera now shows Hank and Beverly Gelfand sitting in their living room.]

Beverly: Hello, and welcome to Zagat’s. I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank: (aggravated) What do you want?

Beverly: Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank: No!

Beverly: We’re going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank: Go away!

Beverly: Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide! (Beverly grabs a Zagat’s guide from under the table) Let’s take a look together! ( She gives a smile to the audience, and then to a barely interested Hank)

Hank: Dear God, here we go.

[Beverly fingers through the book]

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, It’s called “Patty’s Place” on 12th Street, there’s an art decor interior, and an international cuisine. That sounds like a lot of fun! (She gives a giant smile)

Hank: My father said, “Get married.” He should rot in his grave!

[Beverly fingers through the book again]

Beverly: How about “Mario’s Restaurant”? (reads) “Mini-Pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must! Ravioli? Holy Cannoli!” (She smiles once again, Hank shakes his head dissaprovingly)

Hank: Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next.

Beverly: (still reading) “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?

[Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up]

Hank: Give me cancer now, God!

Beverly: (reading) “Find southern fare at Charlie’s, there’s fried chicken and first-rate sevice, so come on down y’all, y’hear?”

[Hank grabs the book and rips it up, then there’s a moment of silence.]

Beverly: Hank and I have decided to spend a nice quiet evening at home, isn’t that right, Hank?

Hank: The book is gone,but the mouth goes on!

Beverly: Since we’re staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. Let’s find a show to watch in our…TV Guide! (picks up a TV Guide)

Hank: Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in!

Beverly: Oh, here’s one, “Murder She Wrote”, Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer. Oh, I just love her, she’s so smart! (She gives another big smile)

Hank: See if there’s a program about shutting the hell up!

[Beverly gives a quick glare at the camera]

Pauline (V/O): Surprise!

[Pauline walks in, she has a present in her hand]

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy!

Pauline: Hi Beverly!, Hi Hank!

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy, it’s my sister, Pauline! What in heavens are you doing here?

Pauline: Well, I knew that you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock wood (knocks hand on Hank’s head) So I thought that I’d stop by with a present! (Gives present to Beverlywhile Pauline sits down next to Hank)

Beverly: Oh,you shouldn’t have, isn’t that nice, Hank? Look how pretty it is!

Hank: Please let it be a gun!

[Beverly opens up the present revealing another Zagat’s Guide, much to Hank’s dismay.]

Beverly: Oh, perfect! Look, Hank, Pauline bought us Zagat’s Restaurant Guide. We used to have one but um…Hank misplaced it.

[Beverly gives a taunting look at Hank.]

Pauline: Wait til’ you see sis, they’ve got the greatest restaurants in there!

Hank: I’m in the middle of a moron sandwich!

[Pauline takes the guide and begins reading it.]

Pauline: Oh, here, look (reads) “The Oyster Club, for the best clam chowder in town, all aboard for fine fish cuisine!” Mmm!

Beverly: (imitating a boat) Hoot Hoot! Yummy! Oh, let me take a look.

[Beverly takes the book and flips through it.]

Beverly: (reading) Oh, look, “The Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras every night, you’ll dance with delight” (laughs) That rhymes! That rhymes, doesn’t it, Hank? (tickles Hank) C’mere!

Hank: I’ve got stupid in stereo! (Beverly stops tickling him,Hank takes out some pills from the side of his chair) Sleeping pills, my only friend.

[Pauline takes the book while Hank pours the whole bottle of pills down his throat]

Pauline: Oh, here, my turn. (reads) “Care for chinese food? Try Uncle Chang’s, they’ve got the best egg rolls in town and don’t forget the dumplings!

Beverly: Don’t worry, I never do!

[Hank falls onto the table, knocked out from his sedatives. Beverly moves into Hank’s chair and takes the book from Pauline]

Beverly: Oh, here’s a place, let’s see, (reads) Oh, “Sullivan’s, for Irish food and fun, the fish and chips are fabulous, don’t just fill up on the soda bread!”

[The camera shows the graphic from the beginning]

Announcer (V/O): This has been Zagat’s with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Submitted by: Nathan Jorgensen

SNL Transcripts

This Week with David Brinkley

This Week with David Brinkley

David Brinkley…..Mark McKinney
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
George Will…..Michael McKean
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on show logo ]

[ dissolve to the set of “This Week with David Brinkley”, where Sam Donaldson, George Will, David Brinkley, and Bob Dole are seated in a row ]

David Brinkley: We’re back. I’m David Brinkley. Well, the 1996 presidential election is still a year and a half away, but already the field of Republican hopefuls is crowded.. with the likes of Phil Gramm.. Lamar Alexander.. Pat Buchanan.. and, here with us in the studio, Senate Majority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole, thank you for joining us this morning.

Bob Dole: Thank you, David. Thank you. Thank you, you know, actually, I’ve been here in the studio since last week – in fact, I’ve never left. I’ve done three “Nightline”s, a couple of “Good Morning America”s, a “Day One”, a “Primetime Live”.. I was gonna go home and take a shower, but, you know, it’s more trouble than it’s worth, and.. well, I brought along a couple of extra neckties, so I’m good ’til Wednesday!

David Brinkley: Senator, you know Sam Donaldson and George Will.

Bob Dole: Yes. Which reminds me, Sam. I found your library card. [ retrieves card from his back pocket, hands it to Sam ]

Sam Donaldson: Really? You did?

Bob Dole: Yeah, it was under the coach in the green room back there.

Sam Donaldson: Well, thank you.

Bob Dole: That’s where I slept last night. I’d just finished “World News Tonight”, it was.. three a.m., I had to get up for “Good Morning America”, so I jsut crashed here.

David Brinkley: George?

George Will: Senator, you’ve been a very visible presence in the morning news shows, CNN and so on. Is there not a danger or perception that you’re taking your presidential candidacy more seriously than your responsibilities in the Senate?

Bob Dole: Well, George, the Contract with America, as you know, is rapidly moving through the House. I expect that we in the Senate will have a few things to say about it. Bob Dole’s gonna work around the clock to see that it gets passed. You see, at my age you don’t need to sleep like these young guys do – your Phil Gramms, your Lamar Alexanders, and so forth. Bob Dole sleeps 45 minutes a night! On that couch in the green room.

David Brinkley: Yes, but.. Senator.. the Senate, unlike the House, is a —

Bob Dole: I eat less, too. Now, the average 180-pound man needs 3,000 calories a day just to function. Bob dole does it on 200! That’s six Saltines and an eight-ounce glass of root beer. That’s all I need!

David Brinkley: Sam?

Sam Donaldson: Senator Dole.. in this election, most observers agree that the race is yours to lose, and that you’re playing it safe. Is that, perhaps, why, so far, we’ve only seen Bob Dole the statesman, and not the other Bob Dole – Bob Dole the hatchet man of the ’76 campaign, the time-bomb waiting to go off of ’88?

Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] Well, Sam, I didn’t know you felt that way..

Sam Donaldson: Oh, but seriously, Senator, how long can you keep your famous dark side under control?

[ close-up on Bob Dole ]

Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously again ]

[ Bob Dole as a haloed angel pops up over Dole’s right shoulder ]

Bob Dole’s Angel: Stay calm, you’re the front runner; it’s not worth it. Don’t let him provoke you.

[ Bob Dole as a horned Devil pops up over Dole’s left shoulder ]

Bob Dole’s Devil: Are you gonna take guff from that impudent freak? Come on, lose your temper! Fly off the handle! Go nuts!

[ back to wide shot of the group ]

Bob Dole: Well, Sam, maybe Bob Dole has mellowed over the years. It’s one of those advantages of being my age. Here’s another one: I don’t have to buy clothes as often. I’ve been the same suit size for twenty years – 40 long!

Sam Donaldson: But what about the Bob Dole who, in the ’76 Vice-Presidential debate, said that Vietnam and World War 2 were, quote, “Democrat wars”?

[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]

Bob Dole’s Devil: They were Democrat wars! Tell him, you coward!

Bob Dole’s Angel: No! That’s the same advice you gave twenty years ago, and it cost us the election!

Bob Dole’s Devil: Stop lying about my record!

[ back to wide shot of the group ]

George Will: Senator Dole, you.. you’re sitting there silently, and I notice an angel Bob Dole and a devil Bob Dole sitting on your shoulder arguing.

Bob Dole: George, I’m not gonna sit here today and discuss my angel and devil!

George Will: Alright, fair enough, but let me ask you this: some of your critics are beginning to wonder if you stand for anything. Does your vision of a Bob Dole presidency involve anything more than just Bob Dole being president?

[ cut back to Bob Dole surrounded by his angel and devil ]

Bob Dole’s Devil: That’s it! We don’t have to listen to that! We deserve to be president! We’ve earned it! We’re 71 years old! Get him!

Bob Dole’s Angel: I agree with him! We’ve paid our dues, and it’s high time someone wiped that smirk off George Will’s face! You know it, I know it, the American people know! Get him!

[ back to wide shot of the group ]

Bob Dole: You don’t think I stand for anything, George?! [ jumps to his feet ] Well, I’ll stand now to give you the beating of your life!! Get up! I’ll show you how a septugenarian does it!

George Will: [ stands, removes his microphone ] This conversation has crossed the bounds of civility. [ runs off the set ]

Bob Dole: That’s right! Run away, George! Tell them you backed down from a fight with a 71-year-old one-armed man! [ waves his good fist at Sam Donaldson ] You want a piece of this?!

Sam Donaldson: This is the Bob Dole I was talking about.

Bob Dole: Well, take a good look, before I punch your lights out! [ Sam Donaldson runs for his life ] You, too, Brinkley! Get going! [ David Brinkley flees the studio ] Turn those cameras off! I’m tired.. I’m sleepy.. I want to take a nap. [ sits ] One more thing..

[ Bob Dole’s angel and devil reappear ]

Together: ..”Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/25/95: Dog Park

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 20: Episode 16

94p: John Goodman / The Tragically Hip

Dog Park

Owner…..John Goodman
Kathy…..Laura Kightlinger
Boo…..Adam Sandler
Steve…..Chris Farley

FADE IN:

[ NYC DOG PARK DAY ]

[ Various canine owners watch their pets play. A MALE OWNER and KATHY glance at the pets in the park on a bench. ]

Owner: Beautiful dog run, dont you think?

Kathy: Yeah.

Owner: Yeah – its nice they carve some room for these little fellas to run around.

Kathy: Yeah, New Yorks getting nicer.

Owner: Im an animal lover. So whats yours?

[ Kathy points her right hand out. ]

Kathy: I got the Border Collie. See him? Right over there

Owner: Oh, yeah! There he is. Its a beautiful animal. Gosh, I love animals!

Kathy: Yeah. Me, too.

Owner: Animals – I love them! I guess Im a softie that way. Family-man type.

Kathy: Yeah So which ones yours?

[ He points his left hand out to BOO, a man dressed in a cheap Dalmatian costume, barking and hopping around the other dogs. ]

Owner: There he is – the big one! You see him there?

Kathy: Yeah, hes huge!

Owner: Yeah, yeah, thats Boo, all right! Boy, I love to see him out there without a leash. Hey, hey! Come on, boy, catch!

[ The owner tosses Boo a tennis ball. A German Shepherd catches it, which angers Boo, who in turn growls and taunts it. The owner and Kathy laugh. ]

Owner: Good Boo!

[ The owner laughs some more as Boo return the tennis ball with his mouth. }

Owner: Yeah, makes the trip worth coming here. Plus, meeting nice people like yourself.

Kathy: You know, hes kind of a weird-looking dog. I mean, Im sorry. I just

Owner: No, its all right. Hes, uh, inbred. Thats why hes got the weird face and all. Damn breeders, theyre out of control!

Kathy: I read about that.

Owner: Sure. Cover of Time. They take them and then they keep breeding them to get this perfect look and then they ruin the poor things.

[ Boo grabs the German Shepherd by its hind legs and starts sniffing its rear. ]

Owner: Poor Boo was a reject. Yeah, I took him in because they were about to put him to sleep. It breaks your heart. I just love animals.

[ Boo grabs various dogs by their backsides and tries humping them. ]

Owner: Hes a frisky fella! You cant take that away from him!

Kathy: Yeah, you know, it just seems weird. I mean, hes almost human.

Owner: Yeah. A lot of them seem like that.

Kathy: I mean its sweet that you saved him and everything, but, uh, its, uh, kind of disturbing.

[ Boo grabs a female dog and starts humping it with vigor. ]

Owner: You know, thats not always a sex thing. They do that to show dominance.

Kathy: Right.

Owner: Yeah. Im kind of a dog aficionado, I guess.

Kathy: Uh-huh.

[ Boo moves to a corner, stands up, and begins urinating. ]

Owner: See, now hes marking his territory. Thats what they do. Hes saying, This is mine.

Kathy: You know what? Maybe its just that Ive never seen a dog like that. Is he dangerous?

Owner: Oh, no! Come here, champ. He loves people.

[ Boo comes to his owner. ]

Owner: Come here. Attaboy. Thats it, Boo. Thats it, Boo. Now say hi to, uh — geez, I never did get your name?

Kathy: Kathy. Thats okay.

[ Boo tries to lick Kathys face and starts humping her left leg. ]

Owner: He loves you! Oh, you made a friend.

Kathy: I like dogs, but really Oh, okay. Now, stop now. Stop it!

Owner: Hey! You heard her, Boo!

Kathy: All right, get down!

Owner: He loves you!

Kathy: Stop it. Stop! Get him off now!

Owner: He really likes you!

Kathy: Yeah, I can see that.

[ Boo grabs onto Kathy as she gets up. Kathy knees Boo in the groin. Boo limps over to his owner, who holds him close as he gets up from the bench. ]

Kathy: You are a couple of freaks!

[ Kathy points to Boo. ]

Kathy: You are the sickest guy Ive ever met!

[ She then points to the owner. ]

Kathy: And you are somehow even worse. A dog lover, you make me sick.

Owner: Look, I dont care what you say about me. But dont hurt Boo. I can handle your nonsense but Ive worked hard to get Boo to feel good about himself again. Boo is a real dog and dont you ever say otherwise!

[ STEVE, a large man dressed in an equally cheap, brown canine costume, steps into the park. ]

Steve: Sorry Im late!

[ Steve assimilates himself with the other dogs. ]

Kathy: Thats it! Im going to report you! Hey, over here!

[ Kathy waves her arms. ]

Owner: Hey, Steve!

Kathy: Hey, Police!

Owner: Steve!

[ Steve lifts his back leg and pretends to urinate and gets up. ]

Steve: Hey, where are you guys going!?

Kathy: Over here! Somebody!?

[ All three huddle. ]

Owner: Come here. All right – Plan B: Horse Park in Central Park. Carriage shed. 5:30 tomorrow.

[ All three nod their heads in unison and depart. ]

Kathy: Police! Get those two big dogs! Police!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

Goodnights

…..John Goodman

John Goodman: Thank you to Tragically Hip! Mr. George Wendt! Elwood Blues and Mr. Dan Aykroyd! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

John Goodman’s Monologue

John Goodman’s Monologue

Mighty Mack…..John Goodman
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

John Goodman: Thank you! It’s a treat to be back here at Studio 8H, hosting this show for the sixth time! The last time I was here, I became a member of the 5-Timer’s Club, and, let me tell you, life as a 5-Timer is.. good! You don’t have to learn any lines, you don’t even have to show up until Saturday! But tonight, I’ve become a 6-Time host, and am being upgraded into a club so exclusive, so elite, that I can basically do anything.. I.. want. And this is what I want to do. Put on this sacred uniform, and introduce a friend of mine, without whose sanction, this would not be possible! [ puts on dark shades and a hat, the Blues Brothers look ] Ladies and gentlemen – from City, Illinois.. Mr. Elwood Blues!

[ Elwood Blues walks out ]

1, 2, 3, 4!

Mighty Mack & Elwood Blues:
“Well now when I get the blues, gonna get me a rockin’ chair
Well now when I get the blues, gonna get me a rockin’ chair
When the blues overtake me, gonna rock right away from here

Now when I get lonesome I get on the telephone
Now when I get lonesome I get on the telephone
Well, I call my baby, tell her I’m on my way back home

Well, flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye

Give me one last kiss; hold it a long, long time
Give me one last kiss; hold it a long, long time
Well, hold that kiss ’til I feel it in my head like wine

Well, here come my baby, flashin’ a new gold tooth
Well, here come my baby, flashin’ a new gold tooth
Well, she’s so small she can mambo in a pay phone booth

Well, flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye

Lou Marini!

Well, like a Mississippi bullfrog sittin’ on a hollow stump
Well, like a Mississippi bullfrog sittin’ on a hollow stump
I got so many women I don’t know which way to jump

Well, flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Flip, flop & fly
I don’t care if I die
Don’t ever leave me, don’t ever say goodbye.”

John Goodman: We’ve got a great show! Dan Aykroyd is here! The Tragically Hip is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/25/95: The Tragically Hip performs “Grace, Too”

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 20: Episode 16

94p: John Goodman / The Tragically Hip

The Tragically Hip performs “Grace, Too”

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..The Tragically Hip

DAN AYKROYD, wearing the make-up and wig from the previous The Late, Late Show sketch as Tom Snyder, stands on home base. Hes now wearing jeans and a white t-shirt displaying CANADA in big, red letters near the neck and the Royal Canadian coat of arms on the center torso.

Dan Aykroyd: Ladies and gentlemen

[Raucous applause from the audience.]

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you thank you

[The audience applause goes up than subsides.]

Dan Aykroyd: From Kingston, Ontario, Canada, home of Kirk Muller, Walter Frank Foy and me, it is my honor to introduce to America, my friends The Tragically Hip!

[THE TRAGICALLY HIP (composed of lead singer/guitarist Gordon Downie, guitarist Rob Baker, guitarist/vocalist Paul Langlois, bass player/vocalist Gord Sinclair and drummer Johnny Fay), begin to play Grace, Too]

Gordon Downie: [singing]
He said Im fabulously itch

[Downie takes a beat as he realizes he meant to say rich instead of itch.]

Gordon Downie: [singing]
Cmon lets just go
She kinda bit her lip
Geez, I dont know
But I can guarantee
Theyll be no knock on the door
Im total pro that what Im here for
I come from downtown
Born ready for you
Armed with will and determination
And grace too

The secrets prove of engagement
Are hard to endorse
When the appearance of conflict
Meets the appearance of force
Im total pro
What Im here for
I come from downtown
Born ready for you
Armed with will and determination
And grace too

[Audience applauds. The SNL 1975-1995 20th anniversary logo is spray-painted on the lower left corner.]

FADE OUT

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Unsolved Mysteries

Unsolved Mysteries

Robert Stack…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “This program is about unsolved mysteries. Whenever possible, the actual family members and police officials have participated in re-creating the events. What you are about to see is not a news broadcast.”

Robert Stack V/O: Approximately 14 to 18 billion years ago, a massive explosion of carbon-based gaseous materials banded together in what scientists have come to call “The Big Bang”, creating the phenomenon known as existence.

[ show Robert Stack ]

Robert Stack: Where did this matter originate? What existed before this cataclysmic event? Is the universe expanding or is it contracting? Join me tonight, as we attempt to answer these questions.. on “Unsolved Mysteries”.

[ show logo and opening montage appears ]

Robert Stack V/O: In 1956, on a beach near Well Fleet, Massachusetts, a 32-year-old hotel maid, Dora Pasquin, discovers a cryptic message which washes up on shore in an empty Vodka bottle. Upon reading the message, the woman went mad, and vanished, taking whatever was written with her.

Robert Stack: Scientists believe, whatever was contained in this bottle, holds the key to unlocking the origin of all known matter.

Robert Stack V/O: Then, in 1977, Pasquin’s illegitimate son, Don Bolton, after contacting authorities at the Massachusetts Department of Child Welfare, was able to discover the whereabouts of his real brothers and sisters. Still, no trace of the mysterious message could be found, although the family had managed to keep the bottle, which their mother had dropped over twenty years ago.

Robert Stack: Don Bolton died, shortly after this joyous reunion. But not before he revealed the whereabouts of a safety deposit box key, which fit the lock to a personal vault in the basement of the Fleet Savings Bank in Fairhaven, Massachusetts.

Robert Stack V/O: Inside, Don’s sister found some old letters, which alluded to the location of a strongbox, hidden in the old slave quarters of a long-abandoned Louisiana plantation.

Robert Stack: The search of the plantation house turned up nothing. But the family of Dora Pasquin and the world scientific community have not given up hope. If you have any information as to the origin of all matter, the creation of life as we know it, the cause of the Big Bang, the reason for the absorption of life by black holes, the true reactions of mezons, muons and bozons to each other, or anything which could lead us to an accurate measure of the Crown Nebula, please contact the Well Fleet City Police Department, or call our toll-free number. You can help us solve the mystery.

[ show logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Penis Measuring Machine

The Penis Measuring Machine

… Chris Elliott
1st Traveler … John Goodman
2nd Traveler … Kevin Nealon
Hare Krishna … Mark McKinney
Newscaster … Michael McKean
… Lorne Michaels

[Aerial view of a modern airport. SUPER: THE NEWDENVER AIRPORT – Dissolve to the interior of the busyairport terminal. Standing in front of the restroomdoors, cast member Chris Elliott plays the role of apollster. He wears a dark sweater over a shirt and tieand makes notes on a clipboard. A man with a travelbag emerges from the men’s room and Elliott greetshim.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. I’m arepresentative of the New Denver Airport here.

1st Traveler: Hi.

Chris Elliott: Hi, how are ya? Um, and I’mtaking a poll and I’m wondering if I could have amoment of your time.

1st Traveler: Okay.

Chris Elliott: Great. How are you enjoying thenew airport so far?

1st Traveler: Oh, very much so. Thearchitecture alone is spectacular.

Chris Elliott: Yes, it is, isn’t it? Have youbeen taking advantage of our new moving sidewalkswhich enable you to travel from one departure gate tothe next with the greatest of ease?

1st Traveler: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.See, if I have a layover, I just ride the movingsidewalks back and forth, just for the fun ofit.

Chris Elliott: [laughs heartily] They are fun,aren’t they?

1st Traveler: Yes, they are.

Chris Elliott: Okay, [reads from clipboard] and- if the Denver Airport supplied a service free ofcharge to measure your penis, um … would that be ofany interest to you?

1st Traveler: [frowns, after a pause]No.

Chris Elliott: Okay. Thank you very much, sir.Enjoy your flight.

[The traveler nods and exits as Elliott makes notes onhis clipboard. A second traveler emerges from themen’s room.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. Uh, I’m arepresentative of the New Denver Airport here and I’mtaking a poll and, actually, the first question I’dlike to ask you is: where are you travelingto?

2nd Traveler: Waterloo, Iowa.

Chris Elliott: Okay. And is that business orpleasure?

2nd Traveler: That would be pleasure.

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy, I envy you. Have youhad any trouble, uh, with our new computerized baggagecarousel?

2nd Traveler: No. No problems.

Chris Elliott: Okay, fine. Now, if the NewDenver Airport, uh, offered a service whereby yourpenis would be measured quickly and, uh, with ninetypercent accuracy, and at no cost to you, the wearytraveler … would that be of any interest to you,sir?

2nd Traveler: [slight pause] I would have toknow more.

Chris Elliott: Well, it would be a, uh, simplemachine about, uh, [puts hand at level of his navel]yea-high, um, mounted most likely in the men’s room orperhaps a discreet corner of the airport terminalitself.

2nd Traveler: Would the device itself beheated?

Chris Elliott: [nods] It would be heated, uh,self-cleaning and, uh, provided in a smoke-freeenvironment.

2nd Traveler: Hmm. What exactly would itdo?

Chris Elliott: Well, after it measures you, uh,you would get a wallet-sized, laminated card, uh, withyour measurements on it, um, and then that informationwould be fed to our mainframe computer in El Paso,Texas.

2nd Traveler: What purpose would thatbe?

Chris Elliott: Well, in case you lose your cardor it’s stolen, um … you or a verified family membercan, uh, access that information, ah, simply bydialing our 1-900 number.

2nd Traveler: Uh … no, I wouldn’t beinterested.

Chris Elliott: [nods] All right, thank you verymuch, sir. [traveler exits] Enjoy your flight.

[A grinning Hare Krishna carrying a handful of flowersapproaches Elliott.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! How are you, sir? Could Iask you a–

Hare Krishna: [enthusiastic] Yes!

Chris Elliott: Well, you don’t know what I’mgoing to ask you–

Hare Krishna: Yes, I do. You want to know if Iwant my penis measured by a machine.

Chris Elliott: [amused] Well, as a matter offact, that’s exactly what I want to ask you.

Hare Krishna: Well, I would! And I’d like itdone right now!

Chris Elliott: Well, I’m afraid that’simpossible, sir, because those machines have not beeninvented yet.

Hare Krishna: [disappointed] Oh. That’s toobad.

Chris Elliott: Yes. That IS too bad. [dropsclipboard on the ground, breaks character, turns tostudio audience and camera] Ladies and gentlemen, thatis the end of our sketch here. [applause, Elliottraises his arms] Um, no. Please. Hold your applause.[crowd quiets]

Um, I – I don’t know if they’ve yanked me off the air.No one knows that I’m going to do this. Um, I knowmany of you may have felt that this was an infantilesketch and, under other circumstances, I would agreewith you. But, please understand, this was not a sceneabout the new airport in Denver, Colorado. I couldcare less about the new airport in Denver, Colorado.[dead serious] This scene was about the future.Because, in the future, such devices as the ones – theone depicted in our little send-up WILL exist.

[Behind Elliott, fellow cast member Mark McKinney, theHare Krishna, nods in agreement.]

And that’s why, [sighs] after, well, almost tenglorious years as a cast member here at Saturday NightLive, I am now leaving the show. [to McKinney whosteps forward] No, Mark, I am. [some in the crowd say”awww”] No, no, no, stop. [removing his necktie] I’vealready left my family, I’m moving to the desert and Iam going to invent the Penis Measuring Machine. Thankyou. [hugs McKinney, hands him his necktie] Goodbye,Mark. Here’s my tie.

[waves to the crowd] Goodbye to all of you. [cheersand applause] Thank you for all the years of joy andhappiness. [hugs an audience member] You’re wonderful.You’ve all been wonderful. Goodbye. Oh, thank you.[hugs another audience member] Please know that thereare people, especially at this show, that do not wantme to build the Penis Measuring Machine for obviousreasons. So, if anything should happen to me, theprototype for– the blueprints for the prototype ofthe machine are buried underneath my garage. Thankyou! Goodbye!

[Cheers and applause as Elliott exits. Cut to thehallway outside the studio where the image hasswitched from color to black-and-white. A sizablecrowd mills around outside the two doors markedSATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. A newscaster’s voice isheard.]

Newscaster V/O: This has come as quite a shock,the announcement by Chris Elliott that he is leavingthe show. Oh, there he is, there he is.

[Elliott emerges through the doors and, holding hiswrists together as if he were handcuffed, isimmediately joined by a tall man in a cowboy hat andSNL producer Lorne Michaels who soberly lead him bythe arms down the hallway in the same manner thatalleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was led fromDallas Police Headquarters one fateful day in 1963.Without his necktie, Elliott resembles Oswald. Thecrowd trails along behind them as photographers’flashbulbs pop and the newscaster describes thescene.]

Newscaster V/O: His trademark smirk. He isbeing, of course, accompanied by Lorne Michaels andDallas Police Chief Fitz. They’ll be transporting himby van to the desert where he will attempt to buildhis Penis Measuring Machine.

[A man resembling Oswald assassin Jack Ruby runs upabruptly and sticks a handgun in Elliott’sribs.]

Jack Ruby: Elliott!

[A gunshot. Ruby turns and runs off. The crowd reactsin shock. Elliott clutches his stomach and winces inpain, mouth wide open, just like Oswald. Zoom in andfreeze on a close shot of Elliott surrounded by thehorrified crowd.]

Newscaster V/O: Once again, Chris– Oh, my God!He’s been shot! Elliott’s been shot! Somebody shothim!

[Music: “A Horse with No Name” by America. SUPER:CHRIS ELLIOTT / CAST MEMBER 1985-1995. Cheers andapplause as we fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Kato Kaelin … David Spade
Marcia Clark … Laura Kightlinger

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, cracking hisknuckles. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I’m NormMacdonald and this is the news:

Last week, as Pat Buchanan announced his decision torun for president, several people jumped on stagechanting, “Buchanan is a racist.” As security began towrestle them from the stage Buchanan stopped them andsaid, “Let them continue, that’s my slogan.”…

Republican presidential candidate Phil Gramm, ofTexas, said yesterday that if he and President Clintonmet in the general election next year, he would,quote, “Chew him up and spit him out.” PresidentClinton, on the other hand, says that he would takeGramm, deep fry him, dip him in mayonnaise, andswallow him whole. …

Well, the nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyosubway attack, is a colorless, odorless, substancethat swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fillsthe lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it’sstill better than anything on the Warner BrothersNetwork. …

Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reducedfederal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that, incase anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs overlarge breasts.

[Norm glances at a headline which reads: “Judge GivesFerguson 200 Years in 6 Killings”] Well, how ’boutthis, huh? You know, it makes me sick when a societylets a guy like Colin Ferguson live for another twohundred years! It’s … ridiculous, it’s crazy!…

A new study says that people who quit smoking havehealthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story fromthe pages of the medical journal, “DUH” … [Image ofthe October 1994 cover of DUH which features a photoof a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE ISGOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT FORBETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH — cheers andapplause]

The … Hertz rental car company announced this weekthat it will buy five hundred and twenty thousandvehicles, increasing its worldwide fleet twenty-fourpercent. In addition, they will try to find a newspokesman who won’t kill his ex-wife. …

And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O.J. Simpson did NOT appear angry before, or after, theperiod of his wife’s murder. But Kaelin admitted hecould have been a touch edgy while he was actuallymurdering her. Might have been, ah… [applause]

Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week,making it the longest job he has ever held. …[applause]

And now let’s take a look at some of his testimonyfrom earlier this week.

[Dissolve to witness stand. Kato Kaelin enters andsits, dropping an entire cup of water in the process.SUPER: Brian “Kato” Kaelin.]

Kato Kaelin: Sorry. [clears throat]

[Throughout his cross-examination, Kato answersquestions from the offscreen prosecutor, Marcia Clark,with great gravity and sobriety.]

Marcia Clark: All right, Mr. Kaelin, are younervous?

Kato Kaelin: A little, yes.

Marcia Clark: Uh, please tell the court, Mr.Kaelin, what it is you do for a living.

Kato Kaelin: I’m an actor.

Marcia Clark: Oh, really? An actor? And whatkind of parts have you had, Mr. Kaelin?

Kato Kaelin: I did a couple of horror films andI hosted, ah, “Talk Soup.” I think I did a goodjob.

Marcia Clark: Ah, would you say you did abetter job than the guy who hosts it now?

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I would.

Marcia Clark: And do you know the new guy’sname?

Kato Kaelin: [thinks hard for a moment] No, Idon’t.

Marcia Clark: Okay. And how were the ratingsfor “Talk Soup” when you hosted?

Kato Kaelin: I believe they were very high,somewhere around a one point six.

Marcia Clark: [ironic] Wow. Sounds high tome.

Kato Kaelin: It – it is, forcable.

Marcia Clark: Do you have any other specialtalents?

Kato Kaelin: I do an impression of, uh, aStairmaster going to a higher level.

Marcia Clark: Can you please perform thatStairmaster impression for the court?

Kato Kaelin: [glances at offscreen judge forapproval, nods, rises self-consciously, pretends towalk on a Stairmaster while emitting a slowlow-pitched whining, then flips an imaginary switch,walks faster and emits a high-pitched whining, stops,glances around self-consciously and sits]

Marcia Clark: Uh, that’s not very funny, Mr.Kaelin.

Kato Kaelin: [points to someone offscreen] Thatguy was laughin’.

Marcia Clark: Uh, noted. Ah, noted. It alsosays here you can do a dog barking. Do you think thisis something the court needs to hear?

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I do. [clears throat,imitates a small dog barking]

Marcia Clark: [slightly confused] So, then, Mr.Kaelin, you’re saying that was the sound NicoleSimpson’s dog made the night of the murders?

Kato Kaelin: No, that’s a small dog. I can’t dobig dogs.

Marcia Clark: Ah, Mr. Kaelin, you’re – you’reuseless.

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I am.

[Dissolve back to the WU desk where Normnods.]

Norm MacDonald: Kato Kaelin, ladies andgentlemen. [cheers and applause]

[Photo of unattractive hotel owner Leona Helmsley]Well, Leona Helmsley fired a maid this week forstealing her Victoria’s Secret lingerie. [Norm jerks athumb at the photo] If you think she looks hot here,huh? Imagine… if you would, with the …

And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advisesthat men spend two months’ salary on an engagementring while the American Housing Company suggests thatyou spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent.Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommendsthat you spend all your salary — on crack.

And that’s it for now. Good night, folks. See yalater.

[Cheers, applause, music. Norm unhooks the microphonefrom his necktie, rises, drops the mikeunceremoniously on the desk and quickly exits as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts