Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell Christopher Walken…..Kevin Spacey Richard Dreyfus…..Darrell Hammond Walter Matthau…..Kevin Spacey Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Two decades ago George Lucas’ science fiction epic STAR WARS captured the imagination of the world.” Now, the 20th Anniversary re-release is available on home video, with spectacular new footage like these never-before-seen screen tests.
Voice of Director: Christopher Walken, Han Solo screen test. Okay, Chris, whenever you’re ready. Christopher Walken: “I’m Captain of.. the Millenium.. Falcon. Chewie here.. tells me.. you’re looking for passage.. to the.. alderaan system.”
Voice of Director: “Yes, indeed, It’s a fast ship.”
Christopher Walken: “Fast.. ship? You’ve never heard.. of the.. millenium falcon? It’s the ship.. that made the kessel run.. in less than.. 12 parsecs. She’s.. fast enough.. for you.. old man..” That sucked! I’m sorry.. [ turns and walks away ] You know.. I had it..
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: C-3PO screen test. Okay, C-3PO.. I’m sorry. Who’s in there?
Richard Dreyfus: It’s Richard Dreyfus! [ removes mask ] Damn you! I told you I didn’t want to wear the damn mask!
Voice of Director: Okay. Just do the scene. “What I really need is a droid who understands The binary language of moisture vaporators.”
Richard Dreyfus: “Vaporators? Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters. Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”
Voice of Director: Thank you very much.
Richard Dreyfus: [ upset ] Listen, I can do that better, okay?
Voice of Director: Thanks, but we’ve got all we need..
Richard Dreyfus: Look! I don’t need this! I was in “Jaws”, okay?!
Voice of Director: Okay. Thanks.
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Walter Matthau, Obi Wan Kenobi screen test. Alright, Walter, here we go. “I’ve never heard of them Hitting anything this big before.”
Walter Matthau: “They didn’t. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side-by-side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Voice of Director: “These are the same Jawas that sold us R2 and 3PO.”
Walter Matthau: [ confused ] Jawas? What the hell is this picture about, anyway?
Voice of Director: Well, Walter, it’s a space adventure about a magical force, and all the people and creatures that..
Walter Matthau: Oh, Christ! [ walks off ]
Voice of Director: Walter? Walter?
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we’re rolling.
Burt Reynolds: Fire away!
Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] “Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You’re supposed to strangle the guy now.
Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?
Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.
Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don’t get it.
Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.
Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?
Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Barbra? you’re gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.
Barbra Streisand: More?
Voice of Director: Yeah.
Barbra Streisand: I can do that.
Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you’re ready.
Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.
Barbra Streisand: I didn’t get the part, did I?
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.
Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?
Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he’s a Wookie, Jack.
Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?
Voice of Director: Uh.. it’s like a space ape.
Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that’s terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu–kin’ space ape?!
Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..
Jack Lemmon: I’m gonna take a dump in this fu–in’ damn mask, that’s what I’m gonna do!
Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..
Jack Lemmon: Why can’t I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I’d be a terrific Obi-Wan!
Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?
Jack Lemmon: Aw, f–k yourself!
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: January 18th, 1997 David Alan Grier Snoop Doggy Dogg None
Genitalia Line-Up Paula Jones (Cheri Oteri) picks out President Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) genitalia. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ted Kennedy.
Ex-Porn Stars Don Wong & Reggie Owens Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) try to adapt as fast food workers. Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.
Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Butterfingers”.
Maya Angelou: The wind. The rain. The fire.
The Butterfinger.
Did the Caveman know your delicious goodness? Did the Mayan Priest exhalt in your buttery crunchiness? Did the slothful Mastodon, upon his extinction, declare, “Don’t lay a finger on my Butterfinger?”
Oh, you finger of butter! You proud confection! Sugar brown roasted peanuts, fructose, glucose, sucrose, lactose, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. Crispity, crunchity, peanut buttery–
I… give… myself… to… you.
Butterfinger.
Glad mantle of golden chocolaty hope upon my breast.
Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Froot Loops”.
Maya Angelou: Toucan Sam, you leap on the back of the wind, load stone to assorted fruit flavors, Phoenix of the dawns, one smile. We gave you, Toucan Sam, life. You, Toucan Sam, give us loops of fruit. Fruity loops, Fruit Loopies, swimming in the churning, frothy mother sea of milk, Kellogg’s appreciates consumer comments, P. O. Box 221, Battle Creek, Michigan, a prism of fruity color, a cornocopia of over forty fruity tastes. The orange, the apple, the grape, the pomegrante, the quince, the kumkwat, the kiwi, the planitain, the guava…
Announcer: This has been Maya Angelou… for “Froot Loops”.
Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.
President Bill Clinton: America.. I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me. I know half of you didn’t vote. But of the half of you that did.. almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said Yes to Bill Clinton! [ chuckles ] That kind of ground swell tells me I’m on the right track! Less than half of the less than half of the people who voted.. stood up and demanded.. four.. more.. years. That means 1 ot of every 4 of you are.. helping me build that bridge into the next century. And I than every fourth one of you for your unanimous support!
But, actually, when you think about it.. it’s not really every 1 out of 4 Americans. because there’s, you know, another 30% of you out there who aren’t old enough to vote! [ laughs ] But, still.. I am thri-illed by the hu-u-uge support I was given by the half of the half of the remaining 70% of you! Because that is still a whopping 17% of you who enthusiastically supported Bill Clinton! And that is.. [ getting emotional ] ..just really beautiful.. [ chuckles ]
And sure, to be honest, Arkansas shouldn’t really count, because that’s my home state, and you have to subttract me and Hillary.. I mean, because, obviously, we voted for me.. And, of course, you should take out anyone who depends on my administration for a job. But, still.. that makes 12% of the population who actively wanted me to be re-elected! Truly, that is a mandate from the people!
Then again.. you really can’t count women, because who are they gonna vote for? Bob Dole? [ laughs ] Yeah! That’s just silly! Anyway, that cuts the number in half, making it 6%. And then after taking into account people who are incarcerated, the number drops to 4% – an overwhelming 4% of you standing proud and saying “Bill Clinton, we want you back!”
Then.. subtracting voter error, voter fraud, mechanical error, people who are abroad, people who are hospitalized or unconcious while the polls were open, and our brave men and women in space.. that makes the total number of people who honestly and actively wanted me to be President of the United States.. onw guy – Steve Bilson.
[ show image of the loserly Steve Bilson ]
Steve, I-I appreciate your support.. and I’m gonna send you this hite House ashtray as a token of my gratitude! [ laughs as he holds up the ashtray ] I mean, it doesn’t say “White House” on it, but trust me.. it’s from the White House! So, once again, America – I mean, Steve – thank you. And God bless you all!
[ dissolve to Presidential Seal ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the President of the United States.
Dan…..Darrell Hammond Rob…..Robert Downey, Jr. Gangleader…..Norm MacDonald Johnny…..Chris Kattan Big Jake…..Will Ferrell Colin…..Colin Quinn Mark…..Mark McKinney Little Joe…..Cheri Oteri Panthers Leader…..Tim Meadows
Dan: You cheated!
Rob: I did not!
Dan: Yes, you did!
Gangleader: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, knock it off! You’re both Cobras.
Dan: Yeah, we’re both Cobras. [ holds out hand for a shake ]
Rob: Yeah, we gotta stick together. [ stands up and sings ]
“You’re a Cobra, boy. And don’t you forget it. ‘Cause when you’re in trouble, You won’t have to sweat it. You’re a Cobra, boy!”
[ sits back down ] Alright.. so, let’s see..
Gangleader: What the hell was that?
Rob: What was what?
Gangleader: You just sang.
Rob: Oh yeah, I did, didn’t I.
Johnny: Guys, the heat’s on.
Gangleader: What’s up, Johnny?
Johnny: The Panthers. They got Rocko, they messed him up real bad.
Gangleader: That’s it. We Cobras are gonna fight back. We’re gonna hit ’em with all we got.
Rob: [ jumps up and sings again ]
“We’re gonna hit ’em with all we got. And as Cobras, we got a lot.”
Big Jake: [ sings also ] “We’re fast and we’re strong we’re tough. We’ll teach them the meaning of rough.”
Big Jake and Rob: [ singing ] “‘Cause we’re the Cobras, So you’d better look ou-ou-ou-ou-out!”
[ Gangleader looks at them inquisitively ]
Big Jake and Rob: What?
Gangleader: How do you come up with a song so fast?
Rob: I dunno, it just.. it just came to me.
Gangleader: It just came to you? What are you talking about? It was perfect! It looked like you rehearsed it!
Rob: Oh.. thank you!
Gangleader: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You go over there..
Big Jake: Hey hey hey! Did you really like it?
Gangleader: What?
Big Jake: The song.
Gangleader: “Did I really like it?” Yeah, yeah, I liked it. Hey,I like another song, too, you know? You know this one – it’s called “While You Were Singing, I Got Stabbed In The Head By A Puerto Rican.”
Big Jake: Do you know that one?
Rob: No..
Gangleader: Oh, shut up. Look, here’s the plan. Get over here, guys. Now, the Panthers hang around at the corner of 32nd and Main. They’re pretty juiced by midnight, and that’s when we strike. That’s when we strike..
All but Gangleader: [ singing and dancing ] “That’s when we strike We’re gonna hit ’em at night!”
Big Jake: “Oooooohhh!”
All but Gangleader: [ singing ] “When the Cobras are gone, there won’t be a one left standing!”
Big Jake: “Oooooohhh!”
All but Gangleader: So look out, Panthers! ‘Cause we’re the Cobras!
[ Gang starts doing “Cobra” hand motions ]
Gangleader: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? [ imitates “Cobra” hand motion ] What are you doing?
Colin: We’re being Cobras.
Gangleader: Ah, that’s it! What is up with you guys?
Mark: What? He started singing, then he started singing, then he started singing, so I started singing. It happens.
Gangleader: No, it does not happen. This was clearly choreographed.
Dan: No. He was dancin’, and I saw what his legs were doin’, so I kinda copied it, like this..
[ All but Gangleader do ballet moves ]
Little Joe: Guys, guys..!
Gangleader: Don’t ask.
Little Joe: The Panthers! The Panthers are comin’ to get ya’! I saw them down the street!
Gangleader: Okay, now listen up! Here’s the plan. We’re going to ambush the Panthers, and here’s how we’re gonna do it. Johnny, go over there! Big Jake, you get over here! You two, stay behind me!
Little Joe: Ooh, what can I do?
Gangleader: What should you do? Beat it!
[ Little Joe spits, and runs away ]
Panthers Leader: [ enters, followed by his boys ] Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like a little Cobra out on his own! Hey, you don’t look so tough without your boys! Panthers, it’s time to stomp some Cobra!
Gangleader: Oh, yeah? Johnny!
[ Enters doing ballet moves ]
Gangleader: Oh no, that’s not good.. Okay.. Big Jake!
[ Also enters doing ballet moves ]
Gangleader: Oh God, this isn’t working out!
[ Everyone else but Gangleader starts snapping ]
Gangleader: Oh no..
[ Group starts doing “Cobra” hand motions ]
Gangleader: What the hell are you doing?
Colin: We’re being Cobras!
Panthers Leader: What are you doin’? You call that being a Cobra? Boys, show them what it means to be a Panther!
Panthers: Panthers! Meow!
Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!
Panthers: Panthers! Meow!
Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!
Panthers: Panthers! Meow!
Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!
Panthers: Panthers! Meow!
Gangleader: Oh forget it.. [ exits scene quietly ]
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
[Establishment shot, Radio Station NPR ]
[Introduction music]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello, I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to
Both: The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. Teri today we’re going to be talking about some really exciting things in the world of food.
Teri Rialto: Sure Margaret Joe.. Now, some of you have written to let us know, that you’d like some off-beat and adventurous approaches to food.
Margaret Jo McCullen: So buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Teri Rialto: Sure is [laughs] gonna be bumpy Now.. Our first dish is really gonna make your tail spin, we’re talking of course about..
Both: Corn chowder.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, I’m a real fan of Corn chowder.
Teri Rialto: Me too ..
Margaret Jo McCullen: Who isn’t [laughs] and when I’m making this classic, I really like to stick to the basic.. that of course is: corn, cream, and spices those will really add some extra hump.
Teri Rialto: And speaking of hump, we’ve really taken some liberties with this classic
Margaret Jo McCullen: We sure have.
Teri Rialto: We have I sometimes like, a more exotic chowder so sometime I add carrots.. then potatoes.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooooh potatoes [laughs].
Teri Rialto: Those will give it some kick, and some color.. and it’s also fun for your guests to look at.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.. fun.. fun..
Teri Rialto: Yeah.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun ..
Teri Rialto: That’s a lot of fun.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah that’s really fun.
Teri Rialto: It’s a fun thing to do.. .
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.
Teri Rialto: Yeah [laughs] Hey look we’ve got a call..
Margaret Jo McCullen: Delicious Dish, you’re on the air.
Caller #1: Hi! I just wanna say that I think your show is terrific you know I did making Corn Showder for years and I’ve never ever thought of putting carrots or potatoes in it.. where do you come up with these ideas?
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, we both keep dream journal .[laughs]
Caller #1: Can I ask you a question? Are you ever gonna do a show on “SALT”?
Teri Rialto: Sure, we’ve actually got a two part that’s coming up in December
Margaret Jo McCullen: That will be great.
Caller #1: I’ll cancel my trip!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good
Both: Thanks for calling! Thanks for calling!
Margaret Jo McCullen: That was fun getting a call.
Teri Rialto: He sounded [laughs] He sounded like a really nice person.
Margaret Jo McCullen: He sure did . he’s neat
Teri Rialto: yeah he sounded like a nice man.
Margaret Jo McCullen: He sounded like lot of fun
Teri Rialto: Yeah
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good time, fun
Teri Rialto: Yeah
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Our next dish, is really one of our unsung heroes of the breakfast table, he’s a familiar friend we really take for granted
Both: The English Muffin!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, I know you’ve done a little homework on the history of our old friend, and I’m dying to hear all about it
Teri Rialto: Well Margaret Joe, I did some research and I boy did I found out some startling facts
Margaret Jo McCullen: I bet
Teri Rialto: Did you know that the English Muffin was created by Sir Thomas Bassthak, and dates back to the year 1832 ?
Margaret Jo McCullen: Really I’ve could have sworn it was invented in the 1840s
Teri Rialto: No, a lot of people think that, but it was actually 1832
Margaret Jo McCullen: I’ll be darned.. I’ll be darned..
Teri Rialto: 1832
Margaret Jo McCullen: Fascinating interesting… interesting
Teri Rialto: A fun thing that I like to try, it’s to top English Muffin with a little Tomato Sauce, add some Cheese and make—
Margaret Jo McCullen: HOP I think I see what’s coming here .
Teri Rialto: That’s right a MINI pizza..
Margaret Jo McCullen: Or what I like to call it :” Pizza for One” Or you can also call it [laughs] Or you can also call it “a little small pizza” [laughs]
Teri Rialto: That was funny
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.. that’s fun, it’s fun to name things.. [laughs] that’s a lot of fun
Teri Rialto: I like coming up with names for things ’cause it’s fun.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah that sweet, that’s a fun.
Teri Rialto: It’s fun to do that.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s a fun thing to do..
Teri Rialto: Ho
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey we got another call!
Teri Rialto: Ho great! Delicious Dish you’re on the air.
Caller #2: Oh Hi! I’m Marianne from Tarzana, and when you were talking about unsung heroes of the breakfast table, I was about on the edge of my seat, eh, ’cause I was sure you were gonna say crab crackers!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hoooo.
Teri Rialto: That’s funny That was our first runner-up.. [laughs]
Caller #2: Well at our house, what we like to do is fresh’em up and eat them,.. hem with milk.. like cereals!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey you could have invented Golden Grahams! [laughs]
Teri Rialto: That was funny for you to say that.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Ho thanks!
Teri Rialto: That was funny
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!
Caller #2: Well thanks so much I really love your show.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure.
Both: Thank you!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat!
Teri Rialto: She seemed like a like a fun.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah she really did, she seemed like a fun fun person.
Teri Rialto: Yeah.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That was neat neat neat fun!
Teri Rialto: It was a lot of fun.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah..
[Ending music starts]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Ho-ho Teri that’s all the time we have on our show today.
Teri Rialto: Okay be sure to tune in next week – we’ll meet a very special guest, Bob Phibowl who will be sharing some thrilling new secrets about..
Both: Yeast!
Margaret Jo McCullen: That was really fun for me I had a nice time!
[ Lorne Michaels barges into Norm MacDonald’s dressing room ]
Lorne Michaels: I see you’re still wearing the Bob Dole suit and the wig.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah. I was.. you know..
Lorne Michaels: Look, Norm, we all understand how badly you wanted to play President Dole for the next four years. But he didn’t win. You’ve got to move on.
Norm MacDonald: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] I am moving on! Norm MacDonald is moving on!
Lorne Michaels: Norm, I really want you to see someone.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, you mean, like a shrink, again?
Lorne Michaels: Not exactly. [ calling into the hall ] Senator?
[ Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole enters the dressing room ]
Bob Dole: Hi, Norm. Hi, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: If you two kids need me, I’ll be down the hall.
Bob Dole: Okay, we’ll be right here.
[ Lorne exits the dressing room ]
Norm MacDonald: Well, how are you, Senator?
Bob Dole: [ laughing ] Norm, Bob Dole knows how much it meant for you play me on the show the next four years. And Bob Dole feels your pain.
Norm MacDonald: Well, you know, it hasn’t been easy. But, you know what it’s like, you just lost that Presidential election.
Bob Dole: Oh, now don’t worry about me, I’ve got something lined up.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, really?
Bob Dole: Oh, really. I’ve got a job answering phones down at the Red Cross. My wife pulled some strings.
Norm MacDonald: Wow, that’s great.
Bob Dole: Well, it’s not brain surgery, you know? [ demonstrating ] “Hello, Red Cross. How may Bob Dole direct your call?”
Norm MacDonald: Well, it sounds like a lot of fun.
Bob Dole: Well, it keeps me out of trouble. You know, trouble like running for president.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? So there’s no chance of you running for president again?
Bob Dole: No, I don’t think so.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? Because you know, it would be good for me. Kind of help keep you on the front pages, you know?
Bob Dole: Well, believe me, Norm, running for president doesn’t always keep you on the front pages, unless you, of course, take a dive off of a podium.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that did get a lot of coverage, didn’t it?
Bob Dole: Yeah, and thanks for noticing, here on “Saturday Night Live”. I appreciate it
Norm MacDonald: I don’t write a lot of this stuff!
Bob Dole: I don’t, either.
Norm MacDonald: But, you know, it’s kind of frustrating for me. I’ve got this great Bob Dole impression, but I’ve got nowhere to use it.
Bob Dole: Well, if it’s any consolation to you, Norm, the impression isn’t that great.
Norm MacDonald: I see since you’ve gotten into civilian life, you don’t pull any punches there, do you? Really? You don’t like my impression?
Bob Dole: No. You’re really doing an impression of Dan Aykroyd when he does an impression of me. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.
Norm MacDonald: Aw, come on now, Senator, it’s a great impression. Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] “Come November 5th, a lot of people are going to be surprised by Bob Dole, because Bob Dole’s gonna win this election!“
Bob Dole: [ shaking head ] Doesn’t sound a thing like me. First of all, I don’t run around saying “Bob Dole does this” nd “Bob Dole does that.” That’s not something Bob Dole does. It’s not something Bob Dole has ever done, and it’s not something Bob Dole will ever do!
Norm MacDonald: Well, okay.. how about this? Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..!“
Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] No, no. You’re still not getting it. Now, listen carefully: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Robert Downey, Jr.: I’d like to thank.. Fiona Apple! I would like to thank Bob Dole! I would like to thank the Heavyweight Championship of the World… Evander Holyfield! Thank you very much! I would like to thank the cast..!
Air Date:
