Category: 1996

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Don King Press Conference

Don King…..Tim Meadows
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan
…..Evander Holyfield

[ Establishment shot : Streets of Las Vegas ]

[ Location : Press Conference ]

[ Note : Don King wears a 1 meter high top ]

Don King : So you see, even in the fourth grade our hero knew that he would become the most respected, inspected, “erspected”, suspected, boxing promoter in the history of the galaxy… But enough about me…

Last week’s battle between Iron Mike Tyson and Evander Hollyfield was a titantic torment. If anyone could have predicted the magnitude of this magnificent marvel of pugilistic pomposity he would have become a rich man. With the smoke cleared, Evander was the commander, for the moment, but Iron Mike Tyson, the greatest champion in the history of athletic competition has a little something to say about that. So get on up here Mike! All right!

Mike Tyson : Thanks Don.. I just want to say to Evander Hollyfield, that you fought a great fight and the depth of what you hit me, was astoundingly ludicrous.

Don King : Mike, your words are elementally elegant, and elevatingly eloquent! But don’t you have a challenge for mister Hollyfield.

Mike Tyson : My only challenge, is to not start crying, when I think about his huge fist banging in into my head. You know what I’m sayin’ you know what I mean? Congratulations Evander, you’re truly a supreme fighter and again I wanna thank you for beating the living daylights out of me. Thank you.

Don King : Mike missed the words: “I’m like the tall grass from which the deadly cobra STRIKES!” Underneath that cowardly talk beats the heart of a tiger! Mike Tyson demands a rematch. Mike Tyson will have his revenge magnificent! Evander Hollyfield will be destroyed by the power of Mike Tyson. Only in America, Evander Hollyfield will be punished, pulverized, penalized, pureed… pureed!

[ Evander Hollyfield shows up. Crowd applause. Don King becomes nervous. ]

Don King : [ Continues ] Yeah.. yes yes he will be pureed that’s right we’re gonna have a big parade for the man of the hour. Right here, the man with the power. The Heavyweight Champion of the world, Evander “The Real Deal” Hollyfield!

[ Don King raises Hollyfield’s arm and take a step back ]

Don King : [Sings] We.. are the champions my friend!

[ Hollyfield’s resists and pulls his arm back ]

Don King : All right there, all right now…

Evander Hollyfield : One second Don, I just want to say that this fight and certain have been the highlight of my career.

Don King : That’s right! Alleluia!

Evander Hollyfield : Mike Tyson is a tough fighter.

Don King : TOUGH!

Evander Hollyfield : I have a seen a lot of guys fight Mike.

Don King : LOTTA GUYS!

Evander Hollyfield : And not being able to stand up to him.

Don King : Mmh Couldn’t do it! Mm-Mm!

Evander Hollyfield : Sometimes I don’t know I could do it

Don King : Buster Douglas did it!

Evander Hollyfield : But I just kept the faith.

Don King : You gotta keep the FAITH!

Evander Hollyfield : And I worked as hard as I could–

Don King : WORK!

Evander Hollyfield : And I gave in all my arm–

Don King : ONLY in America!

Evander Hollyfield : And in the end…

Don King : SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALEDOCIOUS!

Evander Hollyfield : [ Annoyed, Evander turns to Don King ] Let me just finish!

Don King : All right finish!

Evander Hollyfield : Could you be quiet just for a second?

Don King : Oh sure! I’m silent, go ahead there Evander.

Evander Hollyfield : So I worked, I worked hard, I gave it all that I had.

Don King : [ Starts singing quietly ] Nobody does it better….

Evander Hollyfield : And at the end… I was able to defeat—

Don King : Makes me feel sad for the rest…

Evander Hollyfield : … the man that many people thought I was unable to beat.

Don King : Nobody does it….

Evander Hollyfield : .. and I owe it all

Don King : Half this good as you…

Evander Hollyfield : [ Turning and chasing Don King ] Okay that’s it!

Don King : [ Fleeing ] Okay!

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Streets of L.A.

1st Cop … Norm MacDonald
2nd Cop … Robert Downey, Jr.

Announcer: The Streets of L.A. Tonight’s episode: “Teafor the Tillerman.”

[After a hokey opening montage parodying such 1970scop shows as “Starsky and Hutch” we dissolve to theinterior of an apartment. A bullet shoots through thelock on the door. Two plainclothes cops, with shaggyhair and shirts with wide lapels, bust into the room,guns drawn.]

1st Cop: Put your hands up!

2nd Cop: Somebody’s gonna get booked!

1st Cop: It’s Book-of-the-Month Club time!

[But the room is empty, the suspect having fled out anopen window.]

2nd Cop: He got away.

1st Cop: Well, I think he’ll be back.

2nd Cop: And why’s that?

1st Cop: He forgot something.

2nd Cop: Well, what is it?

1st Cop: Smack. [holds up a plastic bag] Man, can you imagine someone so messed up they need this crap to get through the day?

2nd Cop: No, I can’t. [takes the bag] People who playwith this junk make me sick. They’re the scum of theearth.

1st Cop: Yeah, they sure are.

2nd Cop: Anyone who would use this drug should berounded up and caged like an animal. It’s trash likethis that’s ruining this country.

1st Cop: Well, let’s get back to the station.

2nd Cop: I’m not done yet. If I could lock up everyjunkie in this great country of ours, I’d be thehappiest man on earth. Drug users are bad. Period.Don’t ever be sympathetic to them.

1st Cop: Okay, well, I won’t be.

2nd Cop: Even if they do put themselves into rehab andare honestly committed to quitting, you stillshouldn’t forgive them. And don’t buy into that”I-can’t-help-it-it’s-a-sickness” crap. Drugs arealways wrong. They are the worst thing on the face ofthe earth.

1st Cop: Hey, go easy, Wade. This kid probably had arough break in life. He comes from a poorneighborhood.

2nd Cop: No, I betcha he was a rich kid, hadeverything handed to him. You know what? It doesn’tmatter if the user is a plumber, a lawyer, or a hotshot actor who’s been nominated for an Academy Awardfor playing Charlie Chaplin.

1st Cop: What the hell are you talking about, Wade? Wenever busted nobody like that.

2nd Cop: Well, we should have. ‘Cause in my book, ifyou do drugs, you go to jail, and you stay there. Youdon’t go to a cushy rehab center and take a week offto fly to New York and host a comedy show.

1st Cop: Hey, uh, maybe you should lay down in the squad car.

2nd Cop: God, man, it really burns me. Just becausesome punk got a few good reviews for the movie LessThan Zero. That doesn’t mean he gets a free pass,not on my beat. Although I must say, it was a damngood film. Also, the films Only You and AirAmerica were extremely underrated.

1st Cop: Well, I’ll just see you back at the station.

2nd Cop: So, when it comes to drug dealers, I give noquarter. I don’t care if your name is Dick, Joe, orLobert Growney Lunior. You just don’t do drugs. Noexcuses. Even if, from what I hear, heroin makes theuser feel as if he’s laying on a marshmallow made ofsatin while God’s massaging his temples with gentlefingers and suddenly everything makes sense and allthe ugliness goes away.

1st Cop: Well, we really should get going.

2nd Cop: Sure, I’ll be right down. I’m just going totake this horribly addictive drug into the toilet andflush it down it.

1st Cop: Oh, no, no, no. We need to take it to the laband analyze it.

2nd Cop: No, you go down to the squad car. I’ll bedown in about an hour.

1st Cop: No, no, give me that. [takes the bag]

2nd Cop: What? Oh…

1st Cop: Come on, let’s roll.

2nd Cop: That’s right. We’ve got to go clean up the streets of L.A.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Milsford Pure Spring Water

…..Tom Bodet

Tom Bodet V/O: Spring water the way it oughtta be – fresh and clear. Milsford Pure Spring Water. There’s no other bottled water with a history as rich as Milsford.

You see, it all started with the two towns of Milsford and Dunnbee.. and the creek that rna between ’em. Both towns lay claim to the creek and its pure spring goodness. But the simple folks of Dunbee came up with the idea to share the riches of the creek, and bottle the water so folks all around could enjoy it. The townsfolks of Milsford had another idea – to destroy Dunbee and kill all the kindly folks who lived there. And that’s just what they did. Armed with knives and bullwhips, they crossed the creek in the middle of the inght and took after the innocent people of Dunbee. It only takes an extra-special water to turn neighbor against neighbor. When they were finished, most of the town of Dunbee lay dead.. in the pure water of Milsford Springs. Then, they set their dogs to finish off the wounded. The screams of the gentle people of Dunbee being savagely eaten alive could be heard up and down the banks of Milsford Springs. Along toward eveinng, the surviving Dunbeeites were herded into work camps.

Hard to believe that was over 107.. days ago. You probably heard about it on the TV.

Milsford Pure Spring Water. A rich history that you can relive with every sip. Milsford. Not Dunbee.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Robert Downey, Jr.’s Monologue

…..Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey, Jr.: Thank you very much. Good evening. Wow, it’s great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”. I was actually a cast member on the show ten years ago, and, in case you’re wondering why I’m hosting, well, actually, I’ve been invited back as part of their “Distinguished Alumni” series. Anyway, things are good with me.. you know, basically just been the same old same old. I did have a really interesting summer, though. In fact, I’ve brought some slides of what I did on my summer vacation. Would you like to see them?

Well, it wouldn’t be Summer without hosting a barbecue..

[ show picture of Robert at the grill with a cop ]

Yeah.. here’s me picking up a little prescription from my pharmacist..

[ show picture of Robert picking up package from grungy guy in front of a fence ]

..and here’s me and my personal trainer..

[ show picture of Robert being frisked by a cop afterwards ]

That guy works me hard, he really does. But it’s worth it when you take off your shirt at the beach, which is where I was going in this next picture..

[ show picture of Robert being arrested by two cops ]

Yeah, you know.. you go with your buddies in the car pool lane, it’s sweet. And here’s me at Disney Land..

[ show Robert posed with Mickey Mouse ]

This next one’s of me when I stayed at this terrific guest house in Malibu..

[ show picture of Robert sleeping in tiny baby bed ]

It’s actually two doors down from my own house. But, you know.. anyway..

[ show picture of car with the hood blown off ]

Whoops! how’d that get in there? That’s from Kelsey Grammar’s summer vacation.

And finally what would summer be without a hot summer romance?

[ show picture of Robert in jail cell with a fellow inmate ]

Well, that was my summer. I made some new friends, got to visit a lot of interesting places.. We’ve got a great show, Fiona Apple is here. So stick around. we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Shopping At Home Network

Don West…..Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis…..Chris Kattan
Ron…..Robert Downey, Jr.

[ open on Don and Eddie working the Shop At Home Network broadcast ]

Don West: Alright, we’re back here at Shop At Home Network! Don West here, with my partner Eddie Lewis.

Eddie Lewis: We’ve been selling things like crazy today! It has been a madhouse here at Shop At Home!

Don West: It certainly has! Hey, Ron! What have we got here next?!

Eddie Lewis: What we’ve got here, Ron?!

[ Ron enters ]

Ron: Well, folks.. if you are a Shaquille O’Neal fan.. and you are looking for the ultimate Shaquille O’Neal collectible, then you are looking at an incredible deal!

Eddie Lewis: Alright, let me get this straight! Now.. this is a.. Shaq.. Plaque! Is that right?

Ron: That is right!

Don West: Before we go on, I gotta ask you a question! You got a Shaq Plaque here.. with eight collectible cards, all mounted in mint condition – keep in mind, on the plaque!

Eddie Lewis: [ casually points to a Shaq poster on the wall ] Hold on a second here.. what is this over here..?

Don West: I don’t know what you’re doing there, Eddie..

Eddie Lewis: Is that a poster of.. Shaq?!

Ron: Oh yes, it is.

Don West: That’s not included, is it?!

Ron: It.. absolutely.. is!

Eddie Lewis: [ aghast at the thought ] Hold on!! He’s flying through the cloud!

Don West: [ freaking out at Ron’s audacity ] You can’t include that!!

Ron: I am including it!

Eddie Lewis: Now, this was never discussed!!

Don West: We’re giving away way too much here!!

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second!! What’s the price on this?!

Ron: This is a $600 value.. I’m gonna sell it $99.95.

Eddie Lewis: What?!!

Don West: What?!!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t do that!!

Don West: Wait a second!! What you’re saying – the Shaq Plaque.. plus the poster!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah, hold on!! H-he’s flying through the air!! He is not on the court!!

Ron: I know! It’s crazy! The man can’t fly! It is Shaq! and it’s $99.95.

Don West: You can’t do this!!

Eddie Lewis: Get out of here!! Get him out of here!!

Don West: You get out!! [ Ron is shoved off the set ] This is a deal we did not want to happen!

Eddie Lewis: It’s too late! Folks! You got the number on your screen – 1-800-555-0123.. [ the phones begin to ring like crazy ] If you’re having trouble getting through on the phone, keep trying!!

Don West: We are so backed up with calls-

Eddie Lewis: Hold on a second.. wait a second.. [ touching the cards on the plaque ] You can’t remove these cards from the plaque, can you?

Don West: No, you can’t! There is no way!

Eddie Lewis: You can’t remove the cards..?

Don West: There is no way you can rmeove the cards..

Eddie Lewis: Hold on here.. uh.. [ casually removes one of the cards from the plaque ] I-I just took the card off the plaque.

Don West: [ outraged like a sonofabitch ] WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: WHAT?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.

Don West: You mean you can take the Shaq cards off the Shaq Plaque if you want to?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah.. you can take the cards off..

Don West: This is TOO much!!

Eddie Lewis: [ nearly speechless ] The phones are ringing.. I can’t stop the phones!! The cards can ome off!

Don West: The poster’s STILL here, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Shaq’s still in the air, he’s flying over there!!

Don West: Ron, how many do we have left?!

[ Ron re-enters the set ]

Ron: You’re not gonna believe this.. we’ve got about four left.

Don West: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET OUT!!

Don West: GET OUT!!

[ Ron is shoved off the set ]

Eddie Lewis: The phones are ringing!!

Don West: I’m going out of my mind!!

Eddie Lewis: I think I’m gonna have a heart attack right here!!

Don West: Eddie, you’re not gonna believe this – Kirk Cameron just called.. and he even can’t get through!!

Eddie Lewis: Folks, we’re talking.. Kirk.. Cameron.. here! Kirk! I’m having a heart attack..!!

Don West: I’m going out of my MIND!!

Eddie Lewis: Tell you what – I’m gonna make this all easy on us! [ holds a gun to his head ] I’m gonna shoot myself in the head, because I cannot TAKE THIS MADNESS!!

Don West: Folks, this is no joke! That gun he’s holding – can we get a CLOSE-UP of this shot?!!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! We’re gonna go to that view!

[ cut to close-up of Eddie pointing the gun to his head ]

Don West: This is from the “Dirty Harry” Collectible Series.. it does not fire, but he will find a way to make it work!

Eddie Lewis: Yeah! If Shaq can fly, I will kill myself WITH this replcia gun!! Which we’ll be selling later this half-hour! Now, Ronnie! How many plaques do have left?!!

Don West: We’ve got about three left.

Eddie Lewis: YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!

Don West: GET OUTTA HERE!!

Eddie Lewis: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!

Don West: The phones are ringing, folks!

Eddie Lewis: Can you stop them by chance, so I don’t have to kill myself?!!

Don West: Hey, I’d hate to lose you, buddy, but I can’t do a thing..

Eddie Lewis: MY GOD!!

Don West: This poster’s still included!!

Eddie Lewis: He’s still flying through the air!!

[ Ron casually re-enters scene with soem news ]

Ron: Just sold the last Shaq Plaque.

[ phones stop ringing, as everything turns back to normal ]

Don West: And.. they’re gone.

Eddie Lewis: They’re gone. [ drops the gun ]

Don West: Okay.

Eddie Lewis: Moving on.. what do we have next, Ronnie?

Don West: What have we got, Ronnie? Whoa!

Ron: We’ve got a.. limited-edition.. “Star Wars” Collector Plates series, coming up!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna … Cheri Oteri
Craig … Will Ferrel
Dawson … Robert Downey, Jr.

[Exterior shot of a suburban bowling alley called”Bowler City” – the parking lot is full. Dissolve tothe interior where a father and son have just returnedtheir shoes to the clerk. Arianna and Craig, twoupbeat high school kids who want nothing more than tobe cheerleaders, enter frantically, wearing theircheerleading uniforms (with SPARTAN in red lettersacross their chests) and carrying their gear. They sittogether on a bench in front of some bowling balls anda banner that advertises the EAST LAKE BOWLINGTOURNAMENT.]

Arianna: Craig, it’s the bowling team’s firstbig tournament of the season and we’re late!

Craig: Arianna, I can’t burn rubber on alearner’s permit. Especially in my dad’s DodgeDuster.

Arianna: Well, Sammy Hagar can’t drivefifty-five, he’s gotta go faster. Why can’t you?

Craig: Sammy Hagar got kicked out of VanHalen.

Arianna: You’re right. Safety first.

Craig: [looking toward the lanes] Oh! Dawson’sabout to pick up a spare.

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us.

Craig: Let’s do it!

[They rise and go into a cheerleading routine:]

Both: Hey Skippy!
Your lane is made of peanut butter
‘Cause all of your balls are stuck in the gutter!
The Spartans show you how to bowl
Like Ike and Tina, we’ve got soul!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling – Woo!
Bowling down the river
Doo doo doo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Bowling down the river!
Stop spousal abuse!

[Applause. They sit back on the bench.]

Arianna: Craig, did you watch Party ofFive last night?

Craig: No, it conflicts with my Nick at NiteMork and Mindy reruns. Oh! I found a great pairof rainbow suspenders to wear to the Mork and Mindyfantasy convention.

Arianna: You know, some people say I look likePam Dawber.

Craig: Pam Dawber wishes. Nanu nanu. Uh oh.Alexis alert, lane seven.

[Arianna stands and converses with her off screenclassmate.]

Arianna: Hi, Alexis. What’s with the dirtylook? Yeah, these are your bowling shoes. No, I don’thave to take them off. Because you are not the boss ofme! [repeats several times, Craig stands up] Why don’tI buy you a Fresca so you can wash down your selfishpill? … I’m sorry, too. Call me!

[Craig and Arianna sit.]

Arianna: Dawson’s ball is spinning like aTasmanian devil!

Craig: He delivers a strike! We’re back in thegame.

[They rise and go into another cheerleading routine:]

Both: Yeee haw!
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches
And it really, really itches.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do.
Flame it, flame it
Funky jam it
Shake it, bake it
Country ham it!

Craig: The Spartans are cookin’!

Arianna: And I helped!

[They both sit.]

Craig: Arianna, you’ve got a piece oflint.

Arianna: Oh, could you get it for me?

[Craig pulls a white sock out of her collar.]

Craig: [horrified] Oh, my God! Oh, my–Arianna, you’re stuffing your sports bra! Why?

Arianna: [distressed] Craig, please don’t judgeme. It’s just that I’m hot for Dawson — but he’stotally hot for girls who are a C cup or more.

Craig: It’s what’s in here [points to herhead], not what’s out here. [points to her chest]What’s up here, [points to her head] not down there.[points to her chest]

Arianna: Oh God, Craig, I feel like theTitanic, I’ve sunk so low.

Craig: Hey, sock it to me.

Arianna: Aw, Craig.

[Arianna pulls out the other sock and hands it toCraig.]

Craig: Oh, Dawson.

Arianna: Dawson!

[Craig and Arianna rise to greet Dawson who enters inbowling attire.]

Dawson: What are you two doing here? Arianna,you look different. What’s wrong?

Craig: It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what’sright.

Arianna: Yeah, Dawson. My name’s Arianna, not”aureola.” Look here [points to her head], not here.[points to her chest] Here, [points to her head] nothere. [points to her chest]

Dawson: Uh huh. Hey, uh, why don’t you giveback that sweater to a girl who can fill itout?

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: You take that back! Take thatback!

[Craig and Arianna attack Dawson, grabbing him andbeating him up.]

Dawson: Take what back?

Craig: Hey, what’s an “aureola”?

Dawson: It’s a colored ring, sometimes calledthe vasicola postule.

Arianna: More commonly known as thenipple.

[Dawson starts to cry. Craig and Arianna stop roughinghim up.]

Craig: I’m sorry, Dawson. I guess I didn’trealize my own strength.

Dawson: Don’t worry, Craig. You punch like mylittle sister. I’m crying because I am ashamed ofmyself.

Arianna: What gives, Dawson?

Dawson: I do respect the female in all hersplendor, but my dad encourages me to be macho, achauvinist if you will. He’s on his third wife andhe’s very hairy.

Craig: [sympathetically] I’ve got backhair.

Dawson: I’d never tell my dad this but I evenwanted to be a Spartan cheerleader.

Arianna and Craig: [sadly] So did we.

Dawson: Arianna, I’m sorry for what I’ve said.You’ve got it going on, girl.

[Craig and Arianna exchange happy glances.]

Arianna: Hey! Who’s that Spartan respectingme?

Dawson: It’s me.

Craig: And me.

Arianna: Hey guys, check me out. Looks likeI’ve got a great pair of–

Craig and Dawson: Huh?!

Arianna: — friends.

Craig and Dawson: Ohhh.

Dawson: Oh, hey, I gotta run, you guys.

Arianna: Where you going, Dawson?

Dawson: I’m going to tell my dad to cancel myPenthouse subscription. From now on I’m going to startthinking from here, [points to his head] not here.[points to his crotch] Here, [points to his head] nothere. [points to his crotch, exits]

Arianna: Bye, Dawson!

Craig: Looks like Dawson bowled a perfectten.

Arianna: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Knock,knock.

Craig: Who’s there?

Arianna: The perfect cheer!

[Craig starts up his boom box and we hear 95 South’s”Whoot, There It Is”]

Boom Box:
Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find somebooty?!
Whoot, there it is (Yeah you say it)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah I like that)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah a little louder)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah come on)
Whoot, there it is (Come on, come on yeah)
Whoot, there it is (I like that come on)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah, baby baby)
Whoot, there it is (Come on)

[Craig and Arianna do a routine in which Craig feedssnacks to Arianna and then performs the HeimlichManeuver on her, causing the snacks to pop out of hermouth. They both dance off. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Bob Dole

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe enthusiastic cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news! Our top story tonight:

Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racistremarks made by some of its top executives at a taperecorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change incompany policy: No more tape recordedmeetings!

Meanwhile, the U.S. Army is dealing with a scandal ofits own, as dozens of female recruits have chargeddrill instructors with sexual harassment,intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts arecalling it the best argument yet for gays in themilitary.

Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task forceto determine whether federal campaign finance lawswere violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both.Another task force will attempt to determine whetherAttorney General Reno is a man, a woman, orboth.

This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, MichaelJackson was married for the second time. Asked whatmakes his new bride special, the King of Pop said,quote: “She has taught me about the power ofimagination. Like imagining that a grown woman is aten year old boy.” [Mixed reactions from the crowd]… You know he’s a homosexual pedophile, right? Youunderstand? [cheers and applause]

And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be afather. Already, he has hired an entire staff ofnannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefullywill protect the child from Michael Jackson.

This weekend, veteran news anchorman David Brinkleyapologized to Bill Clinton for an election nightcommentary in which he called the president, quote,”boring and uncreative.” Admitted Brinkley: “There wascertainly nothing uncreative about the way you movedVince Foster’s body.” [mixed and mild reaction fromthe crowd] … President’s a murderer, you didn’t knowthat?

Nicki Barcudas, a young woman whose wealthy familyowns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York,has won twenty-three million dollars in the New YorkLotto. This raises an interesting question: “NickiBarcudas, will you marry me?”

O. J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week,attempting to regain custody of his two children. Inorder to prove to the court how much he loves hiskids, O. J. pointed out, quote: “Hey, they’re stillalive, aren’t they?” … [mixed, mild reaction, thensome applause]

Demi Moore has wrapped filming on “GI Jane” in whichshe plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says thatin contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women inthe military, her character will have giantbreasts.

Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increasedhunting will be necessary to control the state’s blackbear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be theanswer if instead of overpopulation of black bears,there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men.[Superimposed text reading “Applaud Now” flashes onthe screen, Norm grins and nods as the audienceapplauds] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder.

The New York City Transit Authority plans to put upsigns in subway stations asking city residents to bemore polite when getting on and off the subway. MostNew Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the newsigns will make excellent urinals.

Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at anunusually high risk for stress-related heart attacks.Also at high risk for stress-related heart attacks:deer!

In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing astory on violence at a local high school when he wasattacked and severely beaten by a gang of students.The assailants say they have nothing against thereporter, they just love irony.

Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra recovering from a boutof pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturdayto bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson woulddefeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay theten dollars, although later he had his people roughher up and take back the money.

Norm MacDonald: Well, just when youthought…

Bob Dole: [from off screen] Wait aminute!

Norm MacDonald: … things couldn’t get worsefor Bob Dole– [Bob Dole enters to cheers andapplause, surprising Norm] Ohhh…

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: [self-consciously] I was just,I was just doing a–

Bob Dole: Yeah, I know that. You’ve had yourfun now, Norm, you’re out of work!

Norm MacDonald: What? I thought I’d just do ajoke about you. I had a little joke–

Bob Dole: Well, you have been doing those. I’vebeen missing a lot of ’em, but, ah, your fun’s over,the election’s over. Unless there’s a recount, you’reout of work!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, no! Okay, well, I guessthat’s it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something?How’d that be?

Bob Dole: Be all right with me.

Norm MacDonald: All right! Bob Dole, everybody!Good night, folks!

[Bob and Norm wave goodbye as the music and applausekick in. The men shake hands as we dissolve to theWEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 23rd, 1996

Phil Hartman

Bush

None

Cliff Robertson

Rodney Dangerfield

Andy Murphy
O.J. TV Trial ReenactmentSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) causes shenanigans while being cross-exained in his latest trial.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Montage

Phil Hartman’s MonologueSummary: Phil Hartman discusses his many endorsement deals.

Transcript

Lux 420SLSummary: Cliff Robertson endorses the car for crazy people.

Transcript

House of CongressSummary: M-TV VJ Kincaid (Ana Gasteyer) rambles television nostolgia with Jesse Helms (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Kincaid, Jesse Helms, Ted Kennedy.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, a ga-ga Michael Jackson makes a play for little boys.

Texaco

NEA Thanksgiving SongsSummary: Members of the National Endowment for the Arts endure a series of Thanksgiving song auditions.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) give Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) a hard time.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Frank Sinatra, Michael Jackson, Debbie Rowe.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Rodney Dangerfield comments on what it’s like to be 75 years-old.

Bush performs “Swallowed”

The Gossip ShowSummary: Hyper Julie Brown (Cheri Oteri) lets loose with government secrets.

Recurring Characters: Julie Brown, Liz Smith, Michael Musto.

Acting WorkshopSummary: Acting teacher Bobby Colsman (Phil Hartman) continues to verbally abuse his acting students while name-dropping his D-List celebrity friends.

Recurring Characters: Bobby Colsman, Troy, Brian Kelly.

Bush performs “Insect Kin”

Soldiers Not Coming BackSummary: World War II general (Phil Hartman) tells his soldiers that most of them won’t be coming back.

Transcript

FroongaSummary: The stacking wine glasses game is just the latest amusement from the dangerous Grelco product line.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Froonga

Friend…..Chris Kattan
Partygoer #1…..Tim Meadows
Partygoer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Partygoer #3…..Jim Breuer

[ open on partygoers playing a Jenga-like paror game with wine glasses ]

Partygoers: Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! Froonga!! [ cheer ]

Friend: Hey, guys, whatcha playing?

Partygoer #1: It’s Froonga! The exciting new game from Sweden!

Friend: How do you play?

Partygoer #2: It’s simple! You just take a piece of glass from the bottom.. [ demonstrates ] ..and place it on the top!

Partygoer #3: The one who topples the glasspile loses. Froonga!

Friend: Hey, can I play?

[ Friend pulls glass, knocking the structure to the ground; partygoers run away in panic ]

Announcer: It’s Froonga! The fun-time glass game! By the same people who brought you:

Silly Knife Ball – try and catch it!

And.. Flame Hat. He-ey! You head’s on fire!

In partnership with the folks who brought you:

The Tiny Tot Underwater Car.. Hammer Gun.. and.. Dam Sled – any dam will do!

From the makers of Volty, the electric tub duck.

And the Neck Tornado! In stores this Christmas.

Voiceover: Grelco! We make toys!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Lux 420 SL

…..Cliff Robertson
Crazy Person…..Will Ferrell

Cliff Robertson: Each individual demands a car built to meet their specific needs. Lincoln designed the “Towncar” for the businessman who demands luxury. Dodge, the “Caravan” for the family. And now we are proud to present the “Lux 420 SL” for crazy people…

(A CRAZY PERSON IS SEEN DRIVING MANIACALLY THROUGH A BICYCLE TRAIL.)

Cliff Robertson: The “420” has a fuel injection system taken from crashed flying saucer parts, it is also the 1st mid-sized sedan with disc brakes designed by nostradaumus. The “Lux 420” is also the safest car on the road…

(CUT TO A SHOT OF JESUS, ABE LINCOLD, AND “DR. ZAIUS”–“PLANET OF THE APES” FAME–ANALYZING THE CAR. JESUS IS SEEN SLAMING THE DOOR WILDLY.)

Cliff Robertson: …Top european scientists designed it that way. And with the built in car sink, you’ll be able to wash your hands every 5 minutes…

(CRAZY PERSON SEEN WASHING HIS HANDS WHILE DRIVING.)

Cliff Robertson: That’s not all, over 18 feet of trunk space (POPS TRUNK OPEN REVEALING A NUMER OF JARS.) allows you to store over 200 jars of urine safely. The “Lux 420SL”, the car your neighbor’s dog has been telling you to buy.

(CRAZY PERSON RUNS UP TO THE CAMERA WITH HIS PANTS DOWN, FREAKS OUT A LITTLE, THEN RUNS AWAY AND JUMPS UP INTO THE AIR, A JINGLE IS THEN SUNG BY A CRAZY PERSON.)

Crazy singer: (SUPER) “There’s a radio in my fingernail…CAR!”

Submitted by: Justin Kaplowitz

SNL Transcripts