SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 09/28/96: The Roxbury Guys

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 1

96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Fellow Roxbury Guy…..Tom Hanks

Music: “What is Love” by Haddaway.

[Open to 921 E. 15th St. Apt. 3B, outside, 9:00 PM]

[Cut to the Roxbury Brothers bathroom, in which Steve, Doug, and their fellow member are bopping their heads while brushing their teeth. They turn around, spit out the mix of water and toothpaste, and wipe their mouths with towels, which they throw away soon after. They then spray their hair with hairspray, and blow-dry it. Steve sprays hair gel everywhere, and they leave]

[Cut to a busy New York street at 10:00 PM, with the Roxbury Guys bopping their heads while walking. On the way, they see a beggar with 3 buckets. The Roxbury Guys take them, and do John Travolta’s strut from “Saturday Night Fever” as The Bee Gees’ “Staying Alive” plays. As they are about to enter the subway, they throw the buckets, and “What is Love” starts playing again. They then walk down the stairs to the subway train] [Cut to the outside of Train #1, 10:05 PM] [Cut to the inside of Train #1, with the 3 Roxbury Guys bopping their heads; Steve has a boom box with him, which is playing “What is Love”] [A fat African American man walks in, and stares at Steve strangely. The music stops. As the man leaves, the music turns back on again, and the guys continue to bop their heads.]

[Cut to the outside-front of Train #1]

Cut to The China Club, 10:15 PM] [Cut to the inside of the China Club, where everyone is dancing. Still dancing, they back away, and we see the Roxbury Guys, still bopping their heads. They turn around while drinking wine out of bottles.]

Doug Butabi: [Gets infront of the 3] Hey, hey! You wanna dance with us? You wanna dance with me, huh? No? Right… [Returns to the bar]

Steve Butabi: [Gets infront of the 3] Hey, you wanna dance? No? Okay!

Fellow Roxbury Guy: Hey! Haha! C’mon! You wanna dance with me? No? Okay.

Steve, Doug, and Fellow Roxbury Guy: [They see a woman come in, who has a glass of milk, and unexpectedly bounce her around with their chests. Her drink is splashing everywhere on the Guy’s clothes] HEY! YEAH! How ya doin’? Yeah!

Woman: [Panicking] Ahhh!!! [She runs off, screaming]

Steve, Doug, and Fellow Roxbury Guy: [mumbling happily to themselves, Thinking they scored]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [Speaking gibberish, and pointing to where the woman left. They run over there, then the crowd dances into the screen and again] [Cut to the door of the men’s bathroom] [Cut inside the men’s bathroom, in which the Roxbury Guys are urinating while bopping their heads up and down. The woman from earlier appears and taps Steve’s back, and police officers come in, taking them away.They quickly zip their zippers up, yelling angrily]

[Cut to Midtown Precinct South, 11:30 PM] [Cut to the inside of the station, in which old men, and our 3 Roxbury Guys are getting their mug shots taken, while bopping their heads, and turning them afterwards for side-profile shots]

Steve, Doug, and Fellow Roxbury Guy: Me? Him? No, me? Him? Me? Heh? Him? Me?

[Cut to a man with a teal shirt, handcuffed] [Cut to Riker’s Island, (an island for prisoners), Midnight] [Cut to the Guy’s prison cell, their heads still bopping] [A police officers comes and unlocks their cell]

Doug Butabi: Hey! All right!

Steve Butabi: Yeah! Ha, all right!

Fellow Roxbury Guy: Me? Oh me? Yeah!

[The Fellow Guy and Steve leave the cell, but Doug is still left in there in the cell]

Doug Butabi: Heey! Wha, wha, wha, whaaat? [Fellow prisoners come in] Okay! Yeah! [Two fat prisoners bounce Doug around with their stomachs] Wha wha wha whaaaaat! Whoa, whoa! Aah!

[Fade to black]

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 09/28/96: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 1

96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Kerry Strug
Kippy Strug…..Chris Kattan
Coach Bella…..Mark McKinney

Norm MacDonald: For many of us who watched, the greatest moment of the Summer Olympics was the winning of the gold medal by the Woman’s Gymnastic Team. Here with me now are Kerry Strug and her brother Kippy.

Kerry Strug: Thanks for having us on the show, Norm!

Kippy Strug: [ hyper ] Yeah, thanks!

Norm MacDonald: So, Kerry.. Kerry, let me start with you. What was going through your head as you were getting ready for that second vault.

Kerry Strug: Well, I was really nervous. But at the same time, I knew that I had to stay focused. And I knew that if I stayed focused, we might have a good chance of winning.

Norm MacDonald: Now, uh.. Kippy. You were there that night. What was going on through your mind?

Kippy Strug: Well.. first, I was really excited! But, then she hurt her ankle, and I got really nervous – on top of being excited! But I was just hoping she can keep her focus.. so I said a little prayer!

Kerry Strug: You said a little prayer?

Kippy Strug: I said a little prayer!

Kerry Strug: That’s so sweet!

Kippy Strug: I know it is, isn’t it!

Norm MacDonald: Now, Kerry, what’s in store for you now?

Kerry Strug: Well, right now I’m really busy, because I’m starting school. And, on top of that, I also have a lot of opportunities.

Kippy Strug: What? That’s so weird! Because, after you hit the second vault, I said another prayer for you to get a lot of opportunities!

Kerry Strug: You did? you said another prayer?

Kippy Strug: Yeah, I said another prayer!

Kerry Strug: That’s so sweet.

Kippy Strug: I know it is, isn’t it!

Coach Bella: [ steps forward ] Okay, you two, come on, party’s over! Come on! Come on!

Kerry & Kippy: Hi, Bella!

Coach Bella: Hey, no time for hellos, we have to go to next interview! Come on, Kerry! Up! Up! [ picks up Kerry ]

Kerry Strug: Aren’t you coming, Kippy?

Kippy Strug: Yeah, I guess I’m coming! [ stands up, but falss to the floor ]

Coach Bella: What!

Kippy Strug: My foot’s asleep! It’s all tingly!

Coach Bella: Come, Kippy! Come on, you can do it! You can do it!

Kippy Strug: No, I can’t!

Kerry Strug: Do it, Kippy! Do it!

Coach Bella: Kippy, listen to me, you can do it! Shake it off, Kippy!

Kippy Strug: [ crying ] I can’t concentrate if you yell at me!

Kerry Strug: Shake it off!

Coach Bella: Shake it off!

Kerry Strug: Shake it off!

Coach Bella: Shake it off!

Kippy Strug: [ recovers ] I’m okay! U.S.A.!

Coach Bella: Okay! Let’s go! [ they exit ] [ Norm MacDonald holds up his hand and waves to the camera, as “Weekend Update” fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lisa Kudrow: 10/05/96

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 2

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 5th, 1996

Lisa Kudrow

Sheryl Crow


David L. Lander

Paula Pell
Dole’s PreparationSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) prepares for his next debate with President Clinton.

Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ross Perot, Al Gore.


Lisa Kudrow’s MonologueSummary: Lisa Kudrow describes her fantasy dream date with the illusion that is “Saturday Night Live.”

Caribbean Essence Bath OilSummary: The appearance of a Jamaican (Tracy Morgan) in the tub soothes the bathing experience.


Singled OutSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) tries for a date.

Recurring Characters: Jenny McCarthy, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Air Traffic Controller Suel ForresterSummary: Unintelligible aircraft controller Suel Forrester (Chris Kattan) manages to talk a stewardess (Lisa Kudrow) down from the air.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.

TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel enjoys a little “Fun With Real Audio” by altering the actions and mannerisms of Larry King and Ross Perot during one of their many interviews.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) reviews “Independence Day.”

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Sheryl Crow performs “If It Makes You Happy”

Single & Loving ItSummary: Single life is not really as great as panel of women make it out to be.

Recurring Characters: Helen Madden.

The Randolph HotelSummary: A group of hotel bellmen (Jim Breuer, Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell) toss guests’ luggage around the room.

Wymins Poetry NightSummary: Lesbians recite original poetry.

Recurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke, Martina Navratilova.

Sheryl Crow performs “Love Is A Good Thing”

Ex-Con GeneSummary: Ex-con Gene (Colin Quinn) is now a waiter, which makes a couple’s (Mark McKinney, Lisa Kudrow) dining experience uncomfortable.

Recurring Characters: Gene the Ex-Con.

Brief HistoriesSummary: The events that led to the invention of the Ferris Wheel are explored.



SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lisa Kudrow: 10/05/96: Brief Histories

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 2

96b: Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow

Brief Histories

Sally Scarborough…..Ana Gasteyer
Narrator…..Darrell Hammond



Narrator (V/O): Brief Histories.


Narrator (V/O): 1893. The World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago. Anengineer by the name of George W. Ferris proudly debuts the invention ofthat was his life’s work — The Ferris Wheel. Thousands of wide-eyedfairgoers rode Ferris’ “wheel” that day while its inventor looked onproudly.


Sam Wilkins: I was so excited when I saw it. I waited in line for an hourjust so I could say “I rode the Ferris Wheel.” When the ride was over, itwas like, “Man, that was a letdown!”

Narrator (V/O): Sam Wilkins – Fairgoer.


Narrator (V/O): George Ferris was puzzled by the lukewarm response he gotto his wonderful Wheel. He insisted everyone ride it – free.


Sally Scarborough: The old man offered everyone a free ride! I told him,”You know what? I think I got it the first time — wheel goes up, wheelgoes down. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Narrator (V/O): Sally Scarborough – Fairgoer.


Narrator (V/O): By this time, George Ferris was starting to lose hiscool. “Get back on that damn wheel!”, he shouted, “And this time enjoy it!You stinkin’ sheep!” The crowd ignored him until he explained he putthousands of pounds of high explosives into the framework of his “wheel”and if they didn’t start showing some respect, they were all a matchstrike away from a grizzly inferno. The crowd then agreed to give thisremarkable “wheel” another spin.

Ferris himself was at the controls. That ride lasted three and a halfhours but not a soul complained. They were swept up by the magic… of theFerris Wheel!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lisa Kudrow: 10/05/96: Caribbean Essence

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 2

96b: Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow

Caribbean Essence

Woman #1…..Molly Shannon
Woman #2…..Cheri Oteri
Couple…..Will Ferrell & Ana Gasteyer
Caribbean Gentleman…..Tracy Morgan

[ images of the Caribbean are shown ]

Announcer: The cool sand. The cool ocean breeze. The pleasing scent of coconut and papaya. The new essence of the Caribbean. Now you can experience it all, with Caribbean Essence bath oil. [ cut to Woman #1 relaxing in her bath, with a bottle of Caribbean Essence bath oil ] The moment that first drop enters your bath water, you’re transformed into a Caribbean paradise. [ Caribbean gentleman rises out of Woman #1’s tub, and lifts her into the air and runs into the sunset with her ] And in moments, Caribbean Essence bath oil will light you up and take you away.

[ dissolve into Woman #2 relaing in her bath ] Caribbean Essence’s patented formula is a unique blend of herbs and fragrances will leave you so relaxed and refreshed, you feel like you’re in a tropical paradise. [ the Caribbean Gentleman pokes out of Woman #2’s bath bubbles, and carries her off into the sunset ] Other bath oil may have pretty bottles or fancy names, but Caribbean Essence is the only bath oil that lifts you up and takes you away. [ the Caribbean gentleman rises out of a couple’s bath bubbles ]

Caribbean Gentleman: Come. Bathe with me! [ he carries the couple into the sunset ]

Announcer: Caribbean Essence Bath Oil. The very essence of theCaribbean. [ Caribbean gentleman pokes his out from a pile of ropical fruit and smiles at the camera ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Pullman: 10/19/96

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 3

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 19th, 1996

Bill Pullman

New Edition


Adam McKay
Dole’s Dream DebateSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) dreams that he’s debating Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman), the ficticious president from “Independence Day.”

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole.


Bill Pullman’s MonologueSummary: Having played the President of the United States in “Independence Day”, Bill Pullman is proud to now be considered a sex symbol.


Home Security DecoysSummary: Bill Tasker (Mark McKinney) touts the menacing dummies that keep real criminals away.


AT&T OperatorsSummary: Operators Janice (Will Ferrell) and Kelly (Chris Kattan) chat between calls.


Tic Tac ToeSummary: Crotchety carpenter Jack (Norm MacDonald) has to physically nail the X’s and O’s to the game board, while his son, Jack, Jr. (Mark McKinney), plugs the home version.

Note: One of the pieces falls on Norm MacDonald’s head while he pounds another piece into place.

The Rules ShowSummary: Ellen Fein (Ana Gasteyer) and Sherrie Shneider (Molly Shannon) advise want-to-be brides to “get the ring.”

TV FunhouseSummary: During “Fun With Real Audio”, President Clinton and Bob Dole’s weaknesses surface during their latest debate.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) offers his thoughts on the World Series.

Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.


New Edition performs “Hit Me Off”

Hollywood PartySummary: Beatrice (Molly Shannon) and Sebastian (Chris Kattan) dish celebrity gossip.

The Quiet StormSummary: Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles it out with his station manager (Bill Pullman) after he’s fired.

Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.


New Edition performs “I’m Still In Love With You”

The Heyward FoundationSummary: Desperate to get into heaven, wealthy John W. Heyward (Bill Pullman) fronts a research lab that can put a camel through a needle for him.


Hidden CameraSummary: The hidden camera pranks are far too obvious for the general public.

Women’s Kick BoxingSummary: Promoter Hal Mendez (Bill Pullman) oversells the promise of women kicking women hard.



SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bill Pullman: 10/19/96: Home Security Decoys

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Home Security Decoys

Bill Tasker…..Mark McKinney

[ show Woman inside window, reading book in den ]

Bill Tasker V/O: You’re alone; and you’re vulnerable.

[ quick pan to Bill Tasker standing in front of house ]

Bill Tasker: Hi. I’m Bill Tasker of National Home Security, Inc. The only thing that will stop a dangerous intruder from terrorizing you – is if another criminal is already doing the job. That’s why we developed Home Security Decoys.

[ show Home Security Decoy of a man peering into the house ]

These life-sized and weather-resistant dummies tell criminals, “Hey! This house is taken!”

Now you can feel the comfort and safety of having a Home Securty Decoy nearby.

Statistics prove criminals like to strike while you sleep.[ show Elderly Woman jump up in bed; she gasps, thinking someone is in the room with her, but it’s just her knife-weilding Home Security Decoy ]

That’s why we developed the Home Bedroom Decoy.

[ Edlerly Woman relaxes, casually falls back asleep ] [ show Home Security Decoys peeking out from under childrens’s bed ]

Finally, you can sleep in peace, while these versatile decoys watch over your loved ones and scare off intruders.

[ show Woman inside shower ]

You made it through the night – and that’s important; but now you find yourself in the most vulnerable place of all – the shower. With a Home Decoy, you can rest assured that shadowy figure behind the curtain is your friend!

[ suddenly worried, Woman peeks out of shower to investigate funny sound, revealing a bloody cown Home Security Decoy; she smiles, and returns to her shower ]

So make the secure choice, and turn your fears into friends. With Home Security Decoys.

Announcer: Also available: new talking Home Decoy.

Talking Home Decoy: I’m gonna put my evil inside you!

Announcer: Available at Rickel, K-Mart, and other fine stores.

SNL Transcripts