Category: 1996

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Tori Spelling…..Cheri Oteri
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California, BET TV – that’s Black Entertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side with Nat X”. The only show on TV strictly for the brothers, written by a brother, produced by a brother, that’s not a Wayans brother. Now, get ready for a man who’s so black, they counted him four times in the million man march. ‘Cause here comes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters. I’m Nat X, and welcome to “The Dark Side”, the only 15-minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? ‘Cause if the man gave me any more, he would consider that welfare. And I think we all know who the man is. I’m talkin’ about the man who said Sinbad makes bad movies, but then gave Greg Kinnear a three-picture deal. I’m talkin’ about the same man who invented white-out. A tricky substance that only eliminates black letters.

So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M.A.S.H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey – what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox – nothin’ in there. Where my O.J. prize? O.K.? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous he’d be in jail right now. That’s right — If O.J. drove a bus he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murder.
[ The White-Man Cam suddenly comes on, zooming in for a close-up of Nat, and placing the image of jailbars in front of him ]
OH! OH! Somebody call Johnny Cochran! Call Johnny Cochran!
[ White-Man Cam cameraman walks away ]
Whooooo! I haven’t had that much fun since I let Rick James braid my hair. Alright, alright. Time for the top 5. Why only 5? ‘Cause the man wants to deprive me of 10.

Tonight – the Top 5 reasons not to see Whoppi Goldberg’s new movie “The Associate”: Reason number 5: “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”. Reason number 4: “Burglar”. Reason number 3: “Sister Act 2”. Reason number 2: “Eddie”. And the number one reason not see Whoopi Goldberg’s new movie: Whoopi’s in it!

And that’s the top 5 for tonight. Let me hurry up with the show before the man replaces me with a Dion Warwick infomercial. My first guest tonight is one of the leaders of the Democratic Party. Please welcome the Reverend Jesse Jackson. [Jesse Jackson enters to Rick Springfield’s “Jesse’s Girl] Sit your Rainbow Coalition ass down. [Jackson sits] Now Jesse, Jesse, Jesse: 8 years ago you was almost President. Almost President! Now the last time I saw ya, you’re playing a crackhead on New York Undercover. What the hell happened?

Jesse Jackson: Who can answer such a speculative question? That’s nearly becoming the position of the day. I only know that your last name…your last name X, is a symbol, of which all African Americans from old Mississippi preachers to the Yankee Stadium bleachers. From the topper down, not the bottom up. Gibbety gibbety. Rat-a-tat-tat. I’m talkin’ about X. X as in great civil rights leader Malcom X. X as in 5-star Las Vegas hotel, Excalibur. X as in X-files, or the show Extra!, which is better than Inside Edition. X as in the movie Exorcist 3. X as in the band X, and not the Brand X. The X man, NightCrawler and Colossus. X as in I’ll..take..Charlie..Weaver…to block!

Nat X: Are you out your mind Jessie? How about X as in excruciating to listen to. How about X as excuse yourself and exit off my show or I’m a put my foot in your X’in behind! My next guest just starred in a TV movie of the week. Please welcome Tori Spelling. [Tori Spelling enters to the theme from Beverly Hills 90210] Sit your rich, white ass down. [Spelling sits]

Tori Spelling: Hi Nat! It’s good to be here, how are you?

Nat X: Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, O.K.? Now I saw your movie of the week.

Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?

Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a [bleepin] whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.

Tori Spelling: Well well, so what’s with your Afro? You look, you look like Dwayne from “What’s Happening!!”!

Nat X: Don’t you talk about Hayward Nelson. All right Cracker Girl, I’ll tell you what’s happenin’. Hey – this ain’t Beverly Hills 9021-HO! You’re gonna shut up. Get – Scoot over! [Spelling moves over 1 seat] Yeah. Now my next guest is the heavyweight champion of the world, please welcome Iron Mike Tyson. [Mike Tyson enters] Sit your convicted felon ass down. [Tyson sits]

Mike Tyson: [High-pitched voice] [Unintelligible]…Nat, it’s an honor to make your acquaintance.

Nat X: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got one thing to say: keep your hands off the white girl. You’re gonna get us all killed in here. Now Mike uh… I understand you’re fightin’ Evander Holyfield next week. Any predictions?

Mike Tyson: Actually Nat, I’ve been doing a considerable amount of self-reflection…in an attempt to achieve inner peace for myself. You know what I’m sayin’. You know what I mean? Any individual I fight will be in for a considerable amount of cranium damage. You know what I’m sayin’. You know what I mean?

Nat X: Mike, nobody knows what the hell you’re saying!

Mike Tyson: Don’t make me unleash a pummeling on you Nat.

Nat X: Oh, you gonna hit me? Hey I ain’t no Mitch Blood Green now. Hey – I’ll beat your ass so bad you’ll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. All right we got to go right now, but tune in next week when my guest will be Gene Gene the Dancing Machine! from the Gong Show. Peace! Take care.

Announcer: Guests of the Dark Side stay at Riker’s Island.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Diamond Jim

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
Abdul Kareem Gaines…..Chris Rock

[ American flag is shown announcing the end of broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O : That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O : Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements, “Perspectives”, with your host; Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne : Good Morning! It’s Sunday 4:43 in the A.M, and this is “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne. We have a very special guest on our show today, he is Abdul Kareem Gaines, a local community activist, and he is here to talk about the organization that he started after last year’s Million Men March. [ Turns to guest ] Welcome Abdul!

Abdul Kareem Gaines: Thanks for having me on your show Lionel!

Lionel Osbourne : Okay, now you were at the “Million Men March”!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes I was there and I have to say it was in no doubt the most inspirational moment of my lifetime.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, and where was this held?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : It was in Washington.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, I see. [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:44 in the A.M. you’re watching “Perspectives”. With us is Abdul Kareem Gaines, who was a participant in last year’s “Million Men March” which is held in Washington. [ Turns to guest ] That was D.C?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm. Now, I understand that after last year’s March you founded some sort of self-health organization.

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes, see at the March minister Farrakhan talked about the Black men taking responsibility for ourselves and the children we have fathered, so when I got back to New York, me and some of the brothers formed: “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm.. Now how many members do you have in your organization? A Million?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne : Half a million?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No. When we started the “Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” we had two hundreds members but that was right after the March. Currently we have six members.

Lionel Osbourne : I see. And um, and they are all fathers?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, two are women, three are actually children and then there’s me!

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm… Now I understand that the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” will be holding his one year anniversary celebration.

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Tuesday!

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! And where will that be?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : At my apartment um, unfortunately we lost our original meeting place due to, well, lack of participation.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm. Now if someone wanted to join the “Brotherhood for Brothers who are Responsible Fathers” what would they have to do to qualify, do they have to be black?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, we used to allow only blacks, but dude again due to a lack of participation we had to make our organization more inclusive. We now allow white people, and we’re encouraging even the Hispanic community to give us a look.

Lionel Osbourne : That is fantastic!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah we had to change the rules a little because we had got into a lot of fight with financial support from organizations like the Maryknoll Sisters and the Mount Olive Lutheran Church of Racine, Wisconsin.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:47 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne, and my guest today is Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, which will be held at Abdul’s apartment. Everyone is welcome to attend and anyone can join!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Asian!

Lionel Osbourne : That’s fantastic! Now are you a father Abdul?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes, I have three boys!

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, and are they involved in the “Brotherhood”?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, my son Kareem Junior lives currently in another state – I believe – um, my other boy Andre’s mother won’t talk to me so I lost track of him and um, my other son Tray is dead!

Lionel Osbourne : Terrific! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:51 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m Lionel Osbourne and we’re with community activist Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, all are welcomed and their son is dead. [ Turns to guest ] Now you said that you were at the “Million Men March” right?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes Lionel

Lionel Osbourne : How Many people were there?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : …A Million!

Lionel Osbourne : And um, this was mostly men?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes… That’s why they call it the “Million Men March”!

Lionel Osbourne : Ah! Touché!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Ah were you there? Lionel?

Lionel Osbourne : No…

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Why not?

Lionel Osbourne : I didn’t know about it… [ Ending music starts ] Well that’s all the time we have this morning. This has been “Perspectives” I’m Lionel Osbourne, I’d like to thank my guest Abdul Kareem Gaines; founder of “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” for joining me. I’d like to let our loyal viewers know that next week, “Perspectives” will be on at 8’o’clock P.M. the first time ever we’re being broadcast in prime time [ Receives a note from studio crew member ] Fantastic! We’ll be on at our regular time of 4:42 in the A.M. This has been “Perspectives”. [ Turns to guest ] Thank you for coming on the show!

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.

[Wild cheers and applause]

[Norm is surprised at the crowd’s reaction]

Norm Macdonald: What a crowd. Oh, my Lord! Thank you.I’m Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top storytonight:

[Image of Bill Clinton and Bob DoleCaption:Decision 96] yesterday in a dramatic finish tohis White House bid Bob Dole began a 96 hour, 15state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him rightthrough Election day. Political experts are callingthe grueling marathon a quote:” last ditch effort”.While medical experts are calling it quote:”a suicideattempt”.

[image of Bob Dole] At a rally in California this week, Dole urged votersto ignore polls which have him trailing PresidentClinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked toignore newspapers headlines next Wednesday that say”Dole loses in a landslide”.

[image of Asian man] Meanwhile a new development in the case of John Wuang,the mysterious Indonesian acussed of illegally raisingmillions for the Democratic Party. Earlier this week,Secret Service logs show that Mr. Wuang had visitedClinton’s White House more than 60 times. But onFriday, an administration spokesman revealed thatthere are actually two John Wuangs. Furthermore, theystressed that the John Wuang who visited the WhiteHouse is a different man. He isn’t the fundraiser. Heis the guy that killed Vince Foster.

[uneasy laughter]

[image of Mayor Giuliani waving with the Yankees in aparade] Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World SeriesChamps [wild cheering] and this week 3 million Yankeefans gather on the streets of New York to honor theirheroes. While their fans were of different ages, racesand religions they shared one thing in common. Theywere all standing in urine.

A giant ticket tape parade left nearly 4 tons ofconfetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks but NewYork officials do have a plan for dealing with theconfetti. Leaving it there to soak up all the urine. [image of fat dude]

At an emotional press conference this week a nowexonerated Richard Jewell spoke of his ordeal as thechief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. Quote:”Icouldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’teat” he said. Then later he admitted “All right, Icould eat. I couldn’t sleep though, I had trouble…”

[Caption: Business News] In business news, a British company has announced itsintention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI.This after MCI called the British company owner athome 5,000 times.

Ballots will be mailed out next week in the electionfor President of the teamster’s union. With incumbentJohn Kerry squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffais eager in following his father’s footsteps exceptthat last footstep where he dissapeared forever.[Normexplains] That’s the last footstep he wants to avoid,just that last one. Otherwise he will….ok.

[image of JFK jr and Caroline Besset] Now that John Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is theworld’s most eligible bachelor? Well, when reportersasked JFK jr. himself who he thinks is the world’smost eligible bachelor he said:”Actually,[whisper]it’s still me”.

[image of Disneyland] A French goverment survey finds that Disneyland Parisis the most popular tourist attraction in the country.And the most popular ride? “Women who don’t shavetheir armpits of the Carri-be-an”. There’s 2ways–there’s 2 ways to pronounce that and I gotneither.

[image of O.J. Simpson] At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and FredGoldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr.Goldman belted at O.J. “Don’t give me that damn look”.While O.J. shouted back: “I wasn’t even looking atyou. You’re just mad cause I killed your son”.

[image of elderly reporter Mike Wallace] In the December issue of Playboy 60 Minutes reporterMike Wallace revealed that he has not only smokedmarijuana but that it made him sexually aroused.According to Wallace he made this comments in aneffort to frighten young people off of sex and drugsforever.

[image of paper headline “Dole: I’m strong enough tohandle the pain of losing”.] In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strongenough to endure the pain of losing the PresidentialElection. Although he did admit that the shock ofwinning will give him a giant heart attack.

In Detroit under a new prison rehabilitation programcalled “Fresh Start”, employers will get a tax breakif they hire and ex-convict. Employers who hire morethan one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.

[image of Economic Report charts] In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightlyfor the month of October with decline in the Dow Jonesand Nasdaq. The reason for the sudden downturn? Youguessed it. Frank Stallone. [photo of Frank Stallone]

[Newspaper headline: Kurt Freund dies at 82. StudiedDeviant Sexual Arousal] Fianlly, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world’sleading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousalpassed away at the age of 82. Dr. Freund last wordswere quote: “Whatever happens to me, can someoneplease make sure that the headline of my obituarydoesn’t contain the phrase Deviant Sexual Arousal?[Norm keeps milking the joke] Would that be to much toask from ya’? Ya’ dirty bastards. Can you just…. ok.And that’s it. Hey, vote for Bob Dole. Thanks folks.Good night.

[WU logo]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 16th, 1996

Robert Downey Jr.

Fiona Apple

None

Lorne Michaels

Bob Dole

Elizabeth Dole

Evander Holyfield
Norm Meets Bob DoleSummary: Bob Dole tells Norm MacDonald to quit doing his impression of him.

Transcript

Montage

Robert Downey Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Robert Downey, Jr. shows incriminating slides from his summer vacation.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer at the bowling alley.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: After eliminating all the people who had to vote for him, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) thanks the one person who truly voted for him.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Don King Press ConferenceSummary: Don King (Tim Meadows) speaks highly of Mike Tyson (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Mike Tyson.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In “Fun With Real Audio”, Rob Smigel mangles interviews featuring participants of the O.J. Simpson trial.

Mr. MusicSummary: D.J. (Robert Downey, Jr.) plays inappropriate music at wedding reception.

CobrasSummary: Gangleader (Norm MacDonald) is baffled when the members of his gang burst into choreographed song and dance.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Bob Dole prevents Norm MacDonald from telling a joke about him.

Transcript

Fiona Apple performs “Shadowboxer”

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) provide dull conversation on their culinary radio program.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

Melanie’s Make Out PartySummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) gets her first kiss from tough guy Brian Mahoney (Robert Downey, Jr.).

Recurring Characters: Melanie, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

The Streets of L.A.Summary: L.A. detective’s (Robert Downey, Jr.) drug banter seems appropriate for Robert Downey, Jr.’s lifestyle.

Transcript

Milsford Spring WaterSummary: Tom Bodet narrates the tale of the lynch mob responsible for great-tasting Milsford bottled water.

Transcript

Shopping At Home NetworkSummary: Don West (Will Ferrell) and Eddie Lewis (Chris Kattan) hard sell a Shaq Plaque.

Recurring Characters: Don West, Eddie Lewis.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: 1996-1997


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Starring:

Jim Breuer

Will Ferrell

Ana Gasteyer

Darrell Hammond

Chris Kattan

Norm MacDonald

Mark McKinney

Tim Meadows

Tracy Morgan

Cheri Oteri

Molly Shannon

Featuring:

Colin Quinn

Fred Wolf (final: 10/19/96)

Episodes

09/28/96: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

10/05/96: Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow

10/19/96: Bill Pullman / New Edition

10/26/96: Dana Carvey / Dr. Dre

11/02/96: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

11/16/96: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

11/23/96: Phil Hartman / Bush

12/07/96: Martin Short / No Doubt

12/14/96: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

01/11/97: Kevin Spacey / Beck

01/18/97: David Alan Grier / Snoop Doggy Dogg

02/08/97: Neve Campbell / David Bowie

02/15/97: Chevy Chase / Live

02/22/97: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

03/15/97: Sting / Veruca Salt

03/22/97: Mike Myers / Aerosmith

04/12/97: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

04/19/97: Pamela Lee / Rollins Band

05/10/97: John Goodman / Jewel

05/17/97: Jeff Goldblum / En Vogue

SummaryThe 1996 season of “Saturday Night Live” might be considered SNL’s Greatest Hits, since it features an almost complete roster of faces long-familiar to the late night program. 7 of the 20 hosts were former cast members (“Distinguished Alumni”), the sum of which include Chevy Chase and Mike Myers, as well as five in a row hosted by Dana Carvey, Chris Rock, Robert Downwey, Jr., Phil Hartman and Martin Short. 8 of the remaining 13 hosts were former multi-appearance hosts, including Tom Hanks, Alec Baldwin and John Goodman.

Almost all of the “new” cast from the previous season have returned after their inaugural run. Nancy Walls and David Koechner were replaced by newcomers Ana Gasteyer and Tracy Morgan. David Spade, who vowed to stick around until SNL returned to its moments of glory, finally left after six seasons, leaving an open position for promising featured player Chris Kattan.

Additionally, the Roxbury Guys (Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan) pursue Pamela Lee, Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) headbangs with Aerosmith, and Norm MacDonald’s fake news on “Weekend Update” reveals Frank Stallone as the source of major problems throughout the world.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 28th, 1996

Tom Hanks

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

None

Kerri Strug

Andy Murphy
ABC News Election ReportSummary: Peter Jennings (Tom Hanks) moderates as President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond), Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Ross Perot (Cheri Oteri) bicker during their debate.

Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ross Perot, Al Gore.

Montage

Tom Hanks’ MonologueSummary: Tom Hanks reads the Oscar acceptance speech he disn’t get to use this year.

Also Hosted: 85e, 87l, 88a, 89m, 90h, 91s, 05q.

Big Brawn Feminine NapkinsSummary: When it comes to feminine hygeine, Big Brawn equates the feeling of a lumberjack (Will Ferrell) between your knees.

Transcript

The Roxbury GuysSummary: Another new club hopper (Tom Hanks) joins Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) in a wild night carousing, hitting on women, and landing in jail.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Transcript

Hey, Remember The 80’sSummary: Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) hosts an 80’s flashback show on M-TV.

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy, Tina Yothers, William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) are visited by the Spartan Spirit (Tom Hanks).

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

TV FunhouseSummary: Superheroes Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, fall victim to a trap set by their nemesis Big Head, who yearns for world domination and the opportunity to out his foes.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: M-TV airhead Kincaid (Ana Gasteyer) references past TV shows during her commentary. Kerry Strug and her brother Kippy (Chris Kattan) discuss their experiences at the Olympics in Atlanta.

Recurring Characters: Kincaid.

Transcript

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers performs “Walls”

The Tonight Show with Jay LenoSummary: Missing link Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) wreaks havoc on the set of “The Tonight Show.”

Recurring Characters: Jay Leno, Andie MacDowell, Mr. Peepers.

Transcript

Creativity TestSummary: Mr. Tolson (Tom Hanks) finds it an arduous challenge to come up with one original thought.

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers performs “Angel Dream”

Classic Sing-along with the Drunken AssesSummary: They love to sing, but they’re too drunk to remember the lyrics.

Brief HistoriesSummary: Cannibalism within the Donner Party is recalled.

Goodnights

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) participates in a school production of MacBeth.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Patrick.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1

96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Big Brawn

Big Brawn…..Will Ferrell
Pretty Lady…..Molly Shannon

Jingle:
Now, up in the woods there’s a choppin’ and a sawin’
There’s a log-cuttin’ man by the name of Big Brawn.
Big Brawn. Big Brawn. Big Bad Brawn.

He turns wood to pulp, like paper through a shredder
There ain’t a bigger man who can do it any better.
And Big Brawn knows it takes the finest pulp
To make a feminine napkin that can take a big gulp.
Big Brawn. Big Brawn. Big Bad Brawn.

Now, the ladies want freedom and to feel secure,
Big Brawn Napkins are mighty thirstier.
They sop up a mess the size of a lake,
Go on, pretty lady, let the little damn break.
Super-absorbant, and straight from the tree.

Pretty Lady: “It’s like a big friendly lumberjack between your knees!

Jingle:
Big Brawn. Big Brawn. Feminine Napkins.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1

96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Ambiguously Gay Duo

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguoysly gay.
They’re ambiguoysly gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “It Takes Two To Tango.”

[ open in Big Head’s secret laboratory ]

Big Head: ..And once we get this formula into the water supply, Metroville will be mine! [ evil laugh ] Come here, Ratsley! [ rat jumps on Big Head’s shoulder, sips some of the evil formula, then vanishes into thin air ]

Thug #1: [ laughing ] You’re a genuis, Big Head!

Big Head: Yes! Not even that insufferable duo, Ace & Gary, can stop me!

Thug #1: What’s with those two? Do they have a “gay” thing, or what?

Big Head: I think so.

Thug #2: What? You’re crazy!

Thug #1: I kind of see it.

Big Head: Look! You asked my opinion!

[ cut to City Hall, the Metroville Commissioner on the phone with Ace ]

Commissioner: We’ve got Big Head tracked on 24th and monroe! We’re counting on you!

[ cut to Ace & Gary’s secret lair, Ace on the phone ]

Ace: We won’t let you down, Commissioner. [ hangs up phone ]

Gary: [ rises from gym equipment, bare torso ] Can we stop him, Ace?

Ace: If we work together, Friend of Friends. Let’s go!

[ Ace & Gary hop into their phallic-shaped supermobile, and zoom off ]

[ cut to Big Head’s secret laboratory, Big Head and his Thugs sitting around a table still discussing Ace & Gary ]

Thug #2: I really don’t see it..

Big Head: Please.

Thug #2: I thought they were just Super Pals?

Big Head: Look, I don’t have a problem with it! That’s not what this is about!

[ the wall crashes over them. When the dust clear,s Ace & Gary’s car is poking upward from the rubble, as they come tumbling out. ]

Gary: Not so fast, Big Head!

[ Ace & Gary each knock out one of Big Head’s Thugs, then Ace shoots a laser beam from his eye and aims it at Big Head’s evil formula – Gary catches it ]

Ace: [ pats Gary’s ass ] Good work, Gary! They’re finished now. [ Big Head and his Thugs wink at each other when they notice the ass-pat ] What’s everyone looking at?

Big Head: Nothing! [ to his Thugs ] Get them!

[ Ace & Gary knock out the Thugs again, but Big Head snags them by the pants using a crane. He then hangs them over a pit of vaporizing solution. ]

Big Head: Looks like you’re the ones who are finished! [ evil laugh ] In a few minutes, you will be lowered into my vaporizing solution! Ta ta!

Gary: What do we do, Ace?

Ace: We’ll pull through, Friend. Grab me, so we can support each other. [ they grab each other’s hands, twist their legs around each other’s, and try to loosen the hooks from the back of each other’s pants, as Big Head and his Thugs watch disdainfully. ] Now, what are you looking at?!

Big Head & Thugs: Nothing!!

Announcer: Will Big Head and his men poison the water supply?

Can Ace & Gary escape the deadly pool?

Are they gay?

Tune in next week, same ambiguously time, on..

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1

96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Mr. Bartholomew…..Tom Hanks
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Patrick…..Will Ferrell
Student…..Ana Gasteyer
Miss Lopez…..Cheri Oteri

[ EXT. ST. MONICA’S CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL – DAY ]

[ INT. ST. MONICA’S CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL – DAY ]

[ HALLWAY SIGN: MACBETH REHEARSAL – 3:00 PM ]

[ INT. ST. MONICA’S AUDITORIUM – STAGE ]

[ Two seniors, PATRICK and a FEMALE STUDENT, are dressed in poor man’s Elizabethan costumes. MARY KATHERINE GALLAGHER stands in the far back as a guard. The stage is adorned in trees and a brick wall – all made of cardboard. ]

Patrick: Gentle woman, I have watched two nights with you. When was it Lady Macbeth last walked?

Student: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise!

Patrick: Hark, she speaks!

[ MISS LOPEZ, dressed as Lady Macbeth, trudges onto the scene chewing gum. ]

Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot! Out, I say! — then, one, two — why, then tis’ time to do’t…

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher inches closer and closer to Miss Lopez and sticks her spear in front of her. ]

Mr. Bartholomew (V/O): Hold it! Hold, hold, hold!

Miss Lopez: Hell is murky!

[ MR. BARTHOLOMEW, bespectacled in turtleneck and suit, races on stage. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, HOLD!!! Hello?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hi!

Mr. Bartholomew: Who are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher!

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher shakes Mr. Bartholomew’s hand. He rolls his eyes. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Mary Katherine Gallagher. Um… yes… um… what are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m the guard.

Mr. Bartholomew: Oh, really?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, I play the guard.

Mr. Bartholomew: The guard? And pray tell, what exactly is the guard doing over here?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m guarding… and guarding.

Mr. Bartholomew: No, no, Miss Gallagher – you are not guarding… but you are… upstaging! If memory serves me right, seven scenes from now, a “Mr. Macduff” is going to storm through that unattended door back there and cut off Mr. Macbeth’s head. So, if you have indeed been hired to guard the Macbeth household, I suggest YOU get BACK to your POST!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.

[ Mr. Bartholomew gives hand directions to Patrick. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Again! Patrick…

[ Mr. Bartholomew takes a seat in the front row. ]

Patrick: Hark, she speaks!

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher fends off imaginary foes in the background. Patrick and the other female student fend themselves as Mary Katherine Gallagher overacts with the spear. ]

Student: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise!

Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot!

[ Mr. Bartholomew races on stage. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Hold, hold, hold, hold, HOLD!!! Hold, hold!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m very sorry.

Mr. Bartholomew: Mary, Mary… Hello, hello, HELLO, HELLO!!!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I… I… I… thought I saw Macduff.

Mr. Bartholomew: No, no, NO, NO, NO!!! You didn’t see Macduff! There is no Macduff here. Did anyone see Macduff?

[ The other students shake their heads. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Patrick, you see Macduff? I don’t see Macduff! MACDUFF! DUFFIE!! DUFFIE!!! HEY! HEY! Do you know why no one has seen Macduff!!!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.

Mr. Bartholomew: Because ever since 1609, Macduff hasn’t been in this scene. Maybe in the first draft in 1608, Macduff made an appearance. Maybe… But we here at St. Monica’s High School have chosen to do the later, more popular, final draft of the tragedy of where the guard does not have a scene with Macduff.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m sorry. I thought I saw Macduff.

Mr. Bartholomew: Return to your post, Mary! Continue!

[ Mr. Bartholomew takes his seat. Miss Lopez takes a deep breath and starts smacking her gum louder. ]

Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot!

[ Mr. Bartholomew races on stage. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Oh, come on! Hold, hold… Miss Lopez, I believe the line is “Out, damn’d spot!” and can we please lose the gum. We are playing Lady Macbeth – Not Bazooka Joe!

Miss Lopez: You know… You know, Mr. Bartholomew!? All right! I can only remember one at a time these stupid words, all right!? Ok! And I cannot believe I missed “Party of Five” to do this crap! All right!? All right!? Guess what? I quit.

[ Miss Lopez spits out her gum and exits. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Well, Lady Macbeth just quit.

Patrick: Uh… Mr. B? The Inter-Catholic Shakespeare Competition is in 2 days. What are we going to do?

Mr. Bartholomew: Patrick — first rule of the theater is, “The show must go on!” So even if it’s just you, this other girl and Mary here –

[ Mr. Bartholomew stops in mid-sentence as he notices Mary Katherine Gallagher holding her digits close to her face. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Mary, what are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like that.

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher inhales hard from her fingertips. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It’s awfully gross.

Mr. Bartholomew: Oh no. My… could… could you… just do that again?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them?

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher demonstrates it again. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Well, how engaging! I cannot turn my head away from you. Miss Gallagher, would you repeat after me…

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?

Mr. Bartholomew: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mr. Bartholomew: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mr. Bartholomew: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mr. Bartholomew: Now, just imagined you have just killed King Duncan. You see a spot of his blood on your hands, but it won’t come out. “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, damn’d spot!”

Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mr. Bartholomew: You are a filthy, murderous queen ridden with guilt! “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mr. Bartholomew: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT!”

Mr. Bartholomew: But the spot won’t leave! You cannot rid yourself of it!!! It returns over and over, like the fingers to your nose!

[ Mr. Bartholomew steps aside. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “Out, dam’d spot; out, I say. One, two — why then ‘tis time to do’t. Hell is murky. OUT, DAM’D SPOT! OUT I SAY!!”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher starts jumping around the stage. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: “OUT, DAM’D SPOT! OUT I SAY!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!!!!”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher falls over a table in the background. All scenery and props collapse at once. Mr. Bartholomew helps her up. She strikes a pose. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Shakespeare!

Mr. Bartholomew: Now, THAT, is Lady Macbeth! That is LADY MACBETH!!!

[ Mr. Bartholomew applauds her over and over as she continues to strike a pose. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1

96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Jay Leno…..Darrell Hammond
Andie MacDowell…..Ana Gasteyer
John Barbary…..Tom Hanks
Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan

Jay Leno: And we are back, ladies and gentlemen. We’re talking to Andie MacDowell.. [ points to object hidden by cloth ] ..and, I guess, apparently, in a few minutes we’re gonna find out what this thing is. Andie, I read somewhere that you live on a farm?

Andie MacDowell: I live on a farm, there’s lots of animals..

Jay Leno: That’s terrific! Our next guest is a long-time buddy of “The Tonight Show”, who always beings wonderful creatures from the wild animal park in San Diego. Please welcome John Barbary! [ John Barbary walks out ] Alright, it’s good to see you, John!

John Barbary: It’s great to be here, Jay. It’s always a pleasure!

Jay Leno: Now, what have you brought this time – some of those African sapphire, you know they make me all, you know, gooey..

John Barbary: No, no.. not this time, Jay. I brought you something that is much, much more fascinating.

Jay Leno: Well, that’s a big bulge underneath that blanket, what have you got Dennis Rodman in there!

John Barbary: Oh, no, no. You’re too much, Jay! No, what I brought to you may very well be the missing link.

Jay Leno: Whoa, the missing link? What, is Tom Arnold here? [ rimshot ]

John Barbary: No, uh.. here, let me show him to you.. [ removes blanket to reveal a grotesque-looking man-like creature ] Jay, this is Mr. Peepers! Mr. Peepers is 17-years old, and he comes to us from the Amazon rainforest – so he might be just a little groggy right now.

Jay Leno: Right.. and as far as you know, there’s only one of these in captivity?

John Barbary: Oh, that’s right, Jay! That is correct! And believe me, if there was more than one of these little fellas, I’d be a busy bee! [ Mr. Peepers jumps on John and starts licking him ]

Jay Leno: Boy, I wish my wife Mavis would do that!

John Barbary: Let me tell you about my furry friend here. He has unusually thick hair – very coarse; he has, like a human, man-sized eyebrows; and he has impeccable grooming habits.

Jay Leno: I mean, I bet he’s cleaner than Courtney Love!

John Barbary: [ stands Mr. Peepers on the stool ] Mr. Peepers!

Jay Leno: Geez, does he do any tricks, or anything?

John Barbary: Now, I’m glad you asked me that, Jay. Mr. Peepers has a vocabulary of over 5,000 words! Why, he can even say your name, Jay. [ turns to Mr. Peepers, who is dancing atop the stool ] Mr. Peepers – say Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: There you go!

Jay Leno: [ not convinced ] No, no, no.. Mr. Peepers isn’t saying anything.

Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]

Jay Leno: What is he doing now?

John Barbary: Oh, he’s just hungry. [ hands Mr. Peepers an apple – Peepers mows it down and spits the bites out machine-gun style ]

Jay Leno: Watch your fingers!

John Barbary: Don’t worry, Jay. Mr. Peepers would never bite me. Peepers and I have this great trusting relationship. You know, Jay, people come up to me and they say, “John, is Mr. Peepers more of a man or a monkey?” I tell them I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure – his heart is all human.

Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]

Jay Leno: What does he want now?

John Barbary: Uh.. he’s still hungry.. No, Mr. Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ] No! [ Peepers sits and puts his hand in his mouth ] Oh, alright.. one last one. [ gives Mr. Peepers another apple ]

Jay Leno: We’re gonna have to go to a commercial now, ladies and gentlemen, but I’m..

[ Mr. Peepers runs amuck, jumping onto Jay’s desk, then flops on top of Andie MacDowell and begins to hump her ]

John Barbary: No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No!

[ scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts