Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 26th, 1996 Dana Carvey Dr. Dre None None Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Will Ferrell) moderates a no-holds-barred debate between Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) and other third-party candidates. Recurring Characters: Larry King, Ross Perot.
Montage
Dana Carvey’s MonologueSummary: Dana Carvey and his recurring characters like to be these people for you. Recurring Characters: Arianna. Transcript
Hey, Remember The 80’sSummary: George Michaels (Dana Carvey) waxes 1980’s nostalgia with Goat Boy (Jim Breuer). Recurring Characters: Goat Boy, George Michaels, Joseph Hazelwood.
The Barbara Walters SpecialSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) and Elizabeth Dole (Ana Gasteyer) get chummy over the course of their interview. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Elizabeth Dole.
Tom Brokaw Pre-TapesSummary: Before heading out for a winterlong vacation, Tom Brokaw (Dana Carvey) records various versions of the potential death announcement for former President Gerald R. Ford. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) recalls scenes from Yankee Stadium. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Dr. Dre performs “Been There Done That”
Church ChatSummary: Church Lady (Dana Carvey) riles up O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) and Madonna (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Church Lady, O.J. Simpson, Madonna.
Bob Dole’s Time TunnelSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) travels through time in order to stop a young Bill Clinton (Dana Carvey) from ever entering politics. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Bill Clinton.
Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita (Cheri Oteri) deals with pranksters and trick-or-treaters in her front yard. Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.
Phil Donahue & Johnny Carson: The Retirement YearsSummary: Johnny Carson (Dana Carvey) snickers over Phil Donahue’s (Darrell Hammond) lost keys dilemma. Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue, Johnny Carson. Transcript
Russell & TateSummary: Thugs Russell (Tim Meadows) and Tate (Tracy Morgan) use their legal skills to get your money. Recurring Characters: Russell, Tate. Transcript
Tom Brokaw…..Dana Carvey Voice of Producer…..Rob Smigel
Tom Brokaw: Okay, who are we up to?
Voice of Producer: Uh.. we’re still on Presidents. Gerald Ford.
Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford? Well, he’s in good shape..
Voice of Producer: Just covering our bases, Tom. You never know..
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1996” appears over Tom’s left shoulder ] “Gerald Ford dead today at the age of 83.”
Voice of Producer: Okay, good. Annd, one for next year.
Tom Brokaw: Alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1997” ] “Gerald Ford dead today, at age 84.”
Voice of Producer: Uh.. a little sadder.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ sad ] “Gerald Ford dead today.. at age 84..”
Voice of Producer: That was good. Good.
Tom Brokaw: Okay, what now?
Voice of Producer: Now let’s do one for if he’s shot.
Tom Brokaw: Well, what are the chances of that?
Voice of Producer: We’re just covering contingencies.
Tom Brokaw: I mean, it just seems that Gerald Ford..
Voice of Producer: Look – you’re the one who wants to spend the whole winter in Barbados, okay? Now, we gotta be ready with something, just in case. Alright, Tom?
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Gerald Ford, “1913-1996” ] “Gerald Ford shot dead today, at age 83.”
Voice of Producer: Uh.. add the word “senseless”.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83.”
Voice of Producer: Um.. uh..
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. “Gerald Ford shot senselessly dead, at the age of 83.”
Voice of Producer: Good, good.. Okay, now suicide.
Tom Brokaw: What?!
Voice of Producer: Just read it!
Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford dead today, after jupming out of an office building, senselessly.”
Voice of Producer: That’s a nice touch. Okay, moving on.
Tom Brokaw: Okay. “Gerald Ford dead today, from an overdose of crack cocaine.”
Voice of Producer: Good, good.. Next.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Gerald Ford and a commuter plane ] “Stunning news from Michigan, as former President Gerald Ford was chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.”
Voice of Producer: Good. One take.
Tom Brokaw: Alright, we got it?
Voice of Producer: No. We’ve got “eaten by wolves”.
Tom Brokaw: What? Now, come on!
Voice of Producer: Just read it!
Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford isn’t gonna be eaten by wolves!
Voice of Producer: Taft was.
Tom Brokaw: Really? Taft?
Voice of Producer: Uh.. yeah.
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. [ graphic of Ford surrounded by a pair of wolves ] “Tragedy today, as former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious.” Now.. now, that’s just superfluous, you know?
Voice of Producer: It’s a former President, Tom. What do you say – he’s not delicious?
Tom Brokaw: Alright, fine.. what’s next?
Voice of Producer: The double story.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Ford and map of France ] “A fireball destroyed France today, and Gerald Ford is dead.” Now, what are the odds of that?
Voice of Producer: Fine. We’ll get Stone Phillips to do it. You know, I’m sure Stone Phillips would be thrilled to break a story like that!
Tom Brokaw: Alright. Let’s keep moving.. [ graphic of Ford and the corpse of Richard Nixon ] “Stunning news from Yorba Linda today, as Richard Nixon’s corpse climbed out of his grave and strangled Gerald For to death.”
Voice of Producer: Excellent.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. [ graphic of Ford and circus lion ] “Gerald Ford was mauled senselessly by a circus lion in a convenience store.”
Voice of Producer: Good. Next.
Tom Brokaw: Alright. “Gerald Ford is dead today, and I’m gay.” Now, wait a minute!
Voice of Producer: What? That’d be a huge story – Forddying, and you coming out!
Tom Brokaw: But I’m not gay!
Voice of Producer: Today you’re not gay, you know.. but then one day you wake up, you like men, and Gerald Ford dies, and we’re screwed. Everyone’s hearing about it from Dan Rather!
Tom Brokaw: Alright, alright.. what’s this for?
[ graphic of Gerald Ford and the Zimbabwee flag appears ]
Voice of Producer: Alright, this one’s for if we’re invaded byZimbabwee.
Tom Brokaw: Would I still be the anchor if Zimbabwee invaded us?
Voice of Producer: Yeah.. if you break the Gerald Ford story, you will..
Dana Carvey: People say, “Why do you come back?” And I tell them,honestly, really.. I come back to be with my friends..
[ starts singing ]
“There’s a very special lady, who made us all smile And an Austrian chap who pumped you up in a while. There’s Bush and Grumpy Old Man, of whom you’re both so fond ‘And I’m the one who always said, “Party on.”‘
I like to be these people for you! I like to put on a wig and say, ‘How do you do?’ I like repeating catchphrases like ” I love to be these people for you!
I was Massive Headwound Harry, whose skull was cut in half And Mr. Uneven Sideburns always made us laugh. I was Buckwheat, and.. (‘O-tay!’) ..then everything was fine And of course the Cheerleader was also mine.”
Cheri Oteri: Dana, that’s my character.
Dana Carvey: Cheri, play along with me.
Cheri Oteri: Hey! Who’s that Spartan named Dana Carvey?
Dana Carvey: It’s me! It’s me! [ pause ] Here we go!
Dana’s Character’s and Cheri: [ singing ] “We like to be these people for you! We like to put on a wig and say, ‘How do you do?’ We love to be.. these people.. [ Macarena ] ..hey Macarena.. for you!”
Dana Carvey: Dr. Dre is in the house! Stick around, we’ve got agreat show!
Johnny Carson and Phil Donahue: The Retirement Years
…..Dana Carvey …..Cheri Oteri
[ open on Johnny Carson scavenging around his house, as Phil Donahue enters through the front door carrying a bag of golf clubs ]
Phil Donahue: Johnny, my dear good man, boy are you ready to go, or what?
Johnny Carson: Sure, Phil. As soon as I find my keys.
Phil Donahue: Well, did you check your pockets?
Johnny Carson: Well, that’s the first place I checked!
Phil Donahue: Well.. you looked in your pockets.. you looked everywhere?
Johnny Carson: Yes, I did.
Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. Well, how about the door? Could you have left them in the door? A lot of people do that.
Johnny Carson: You know, this is weird. This is weird, this is kind of wild. I had them a minute ago!
Phil Donahue: Now, you have a maid here all the time, don’t you?
Johnny Carson: Yes. That’s right.
Phil Donahue: Well, how about this: we go shoot a nice round of golf, you come back here, you knock on the door, and the maid.. lets you in!
Johnny Carson: Oh, it just.. it just makes me feel a little weird not having my keys. Um.. would you just, uh.. would you just give me a second?
Phil Donahue: Yes. Did you check your pants?
Johnny Carson: I told you I did!
Phil Donahue: [ sighs ] You know, every time I come over, it’s the.. same.. darn.. thing: “Oh, please, dear God, won’t someone help me find my keys?” But what about good ol’ Phil, who comes over to play a round of golf, and wait a minute, he misses tee-off because dear ol’ Johnny cannot find.. his keys!
Johnny Carson: Are you finished, old Blabber Mouth?
Phil Donahue: Okay, I am.
Johnny Carson: Alright.. alright.. I’m just gonna look in the garbage here. [ picks up garbage pail, roots through the garbage ]
Phil Donahue: What are you doing?
Johnny Carson: I’m looking for my keys. How many times have I got to tell you that?
Phil Donahue: You think you dropped your keys in the garbage?
Johnny Carson: No. But I may have thrown them out with something that had the keys in it!
Phil Donahue: You know what you need?
Johnny Carson: I swear to God, do not tell me again about that Key Caddy!
Phil Donahue: I’m telling you.. Marla got me one. Now, when I come home, I take my keys out of my pocket, I hang them up in the Key Caddy, God’s in his Heaven, all’s right with the world, and I always know where my keys are! [ taps endtable ]
Johnny Carson: That is soem weird, wild stuff! But, Phil, how does that help me find my keys?
Phil Donahue: Did you try retracing your steps?
Johnny Carson: What’s that? You say , um.. retrace? Well, that’s not a bad idea. Is that where you go back and try to remember where you were before? That’s, that’s terrific! Let’s see.. I was reading the National Enquirer over here.. and then I went over here and made some, made a little fruit punch.. [ pikcs up object ] And, uh.. oh! Here they are!
Phil Donahue: [ excited ] Oh, great! Let’s go! [ dashes for the door ]
Johnny Carson: Oh, wait a minute. This is my money clip.
Phil Donahue: Did you look in the chair?
Johnny Carson: No, I did not.
Phil Donahue: I’ll check the chair! [ starts digging through the chair ]
Johnny Carson: All righty..
Phil Donahue: Boy, I’ll tell you.. [ Johnny puts his hand in his pocket, accidentally discovering his keys where Phil told him to check ] You know what you need, I swear to God.. [ johnny tosses his keys into the garbage pail ] ..you need one of those fake rocks you can put your keys in. You leave it out front, in the door, so every time I come over, we don’t have to..
Johnny Carson: Alright, alright.. I’ll tell you what? I’ll check the garbage just one more time, and then we’ll get out of here.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on! They’re not in the garbage!
Johnny Carson: [ reaches into the pail ] Well, well, well.. what do we have here, keys in the garbage. What do you think about that, Smart Guy?
Phil Donahue: I’m sorry!
Johnny Carson: Don’t you feel like an idiot? Lieutenant Columbo, you are not!
Phil Donahue: Sorry!
Johnny Carson: Admit it! Admit it, MacGruff the Crime Dog, you were wrong!
Phil Donahue: Okay, let’s move on! [ exits the house ]
Johnny Carson: Frank Lloyd Wrong! [ exits house, closes door ]
Announcer: If you’ve been injured on the job, or you are the victim of an accident, you may be entitled to a sizable cash settlement. No one knows this better than Russell and Tate.
Testimonial #1: Russell & Tate got me $27,000. And a newlease on life.
Russell: We’re gonna git yo’ money.
Tate: Damn straight!
Russell: You can bet your sweet ass we’ll git it!
Tate: No bull.
[ cut to Husband & Wife in their kitchen ]
Husband: We wer very concerned after the accident.
Wife: We didn’t know who to turn to, so we called Russell & Tate.
Husband: We got a lot of money. $150,000.
[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Tate: It’s like this: if somebody has your money, we’re gonna git it.
Russell: Thay can’t have your money!
Tate: That’s right. Unless they want a piece of Russell & Tate!
Russell: Oh, yeah!
[ Russell & Tate laugh, and clap their fists together ]
Testimonial #2: I called Russell & Tate, and told them I wantedmoney.
[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Russell: Your money is not their money!
Tate: No, it ain’t! You gotta get your money! They ain’t supposed to have it! So, we gonna git it, or I don’t know what.
Russell: Well, I do! [ they laugh ] Yeah, we gonna git it! You gotta understand – Tate, here, is one very mean brother with a degree from Harvard Law, and he will go crazy academic on your ass if you try to mess with somebody’s money!
Tate: Let me rap to them for a minute, Russell. Listen, y’all – you ain’t even seen the inside of Hell until Russell comes busting down on you with his big-ass experience as a former editor of the American Law Review!
[ cut to Testimonial #3 ]
Testimonial #3: When I first saw Russell & Tate, I knew that these guys would get me money. I mean, Russell Johnson was my law professor at Harvard, and Tate Witherspoon has argued hundreds of successful Supreme Court cases. Bottom line? They get you your money.
[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]
Tate: $200.. $300.. $2,000, it don’t matter, we gonna git it!
Russell: That’s right! $8,000.. $17,000.. $400,000, I don’t care – we gonna git it all! I wasn’t an expert witness in the Microsoft Anti-Trust Case, and a president of the New York Bar for six years so I could sit up on my ass and not get your money!
Tate: That’s right, Russell! And I didn’t bust my hump doing afederal judgeship, and all those appointments at the Congressional Committee so some bitch could steal your knot!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 2nd, 1996 Chris Rock The Wallflowers Dana Carvey Stephen Colbert Abe Vigoda The Fishing DockSummary: Former president George Bush (Dana Carvey) meets Republican nominee Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) on the dock and gives him a pep dock in preparation of his impending election loss. Recurring Characters: George Bush, Bob Dole, President Bill Clinton.
Montage
Chris Rock’s MonologueSummary: Chris Rock performs a stand-up routine on topics that include President Bill Clinton and sexual harassment. Transcript
ExcedrilSummary: For those who use Excedril, the pain reliever’s lack of scientific evidence makes it more valuable. Transcript
I’m Chillin’Summary: Despite the departure of B-Fats, Onski (Chris Rock) plays videos with new co-host B Real (Jim Breuer). Recurring Characters: Onski.
Dole/Kemp ’96Summary: A Black Guy (Tim Meadows), a Woman (Molly Shanno), and a Gay Man (Mark McKinney) advise that Bob Dole can’t win the election if nobody bothers to vote.
The Dark Side with Nat XSummary: Nat X (Chris Rock) makes fun of Tori Spelling (Cheri Oteri), Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond), and Mike Tyson (Tracy Morgan). Recurring Characters: Nat X, Jesse Jackson, Tori Spelling, Mike Tyson. Transcript
Mark Russell’s Election Year Comedy SpecialSummary: Mark Russell’s (Mark McKinney) song parodies aren’t much, but they’re on the mark!
Charles GrodinSummary: Charles Grodin (Dana Carvey) previews other celebrity-hosted political talk shows. Recurring Characters: Richard Dreyfuss, Nipsey Russell.
TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo battle Big Head and Queen Serena in “Queen of Terror”.
Dole’s SpeechesSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) rehearses his victory speech for when he wins the presidency, until Lorne Michaels advises Norm MacDonald that it’s inevitably time to give up this impression. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole.
My Son, College GraduateSummary: College graduate’s (Tim Meadows) dad (Chris Rock) and Granddad (Tracy Morgan) make fun of him for getting an education. Transcript
The CulpsSummary: Music teachers Marty Culp (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.
Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room JamSummary: A foul-mouthed doctor (Chris Rock) receives the censor’s cuts. Transcript
PerspectivesSummary: Lionel Osbourne (Tim Meadows) interviews Million Man marcher Abdul Kareem Gaines (Chris Rock). Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne. Transcript
[ open on doctors rushing a dying patient into the emergency room ]
Doctor: Scalpel! Scalpel! [ yelling ] Can a nigger get a SCALPEL up in this [ bleep ]!! [ the wrong instrument is handed to him ] I said SCALPEL, you [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ]
Doctor: Come on! [ opens patient’s chest ] Damn, nigger! What you been eating, arteries all clogged up and [ bleep ]! He’s dead?! No bull.. [ bleep ]! [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] Get this DEAD mother [ bleep ] [ bleep ] out of here! And WHICH one of you nurses is gonna [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]?!
Announcer: “Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room Jam”. Only on HBO.
Joseph Karen…..Will Ferrell Dr. Matthew Walsh…..Stephen Colbert Mary Risinger…..Molly Shannon
Joseph Karen: A lot of pain relievers try to impress you with fancy medical evidence and research. But when you’ve got a headache, scientific mumble-jumble is the last thing you want to hear.
Announcer: Joseph Karen, Excedril user.
Joseph Karen: That’s why I take Excedril. Excedril’s the most powerful pain reliever available, and there’s absolutely no medical evidence to prove it.
Announcer: Excedril is the only pain reliever available without any scientific evidence to say what it can or can’t do. You might say that putsExcedril beyond mere science. The leading pain relievers work well, until their scientific evidence kicks in. But we at Excedril don’t let any eggheads boss us around.
[ SUPER: “Dr. Matthew Walsh, Egghead Scientist” ] Dr. Matthew Walsh, Egghead Scientist.
Dr. Matthew Walsh: I cannot recommend this medication. for any purpose.
Announcer: You’re darn right you can’t! But try telling that to Mary Risinger, Ecedril user since 1984.
Mary Risinger: Excedril’s great for headaches. But I also use it any time my husband and I have unprotected sex. I know what you’re thinking – there’s no scientif-ic evidence that says Excedril can be used as an effective birth control. But I’m no scientist. I’m just glad that I’ve found a pain reliever that can kill the tiny babies that live in my husband’s sperm.
Announcer: Excedril. Skip the science… go straight to relief.
Father…..Chris Rock Son…..Tim Meadows Granddad…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on college graduation party coming to an end, as the guests exit the Gilmore apartment. Alone at last, Father turns to Son to express his sentiments. ]
Father: Son, Son.. I’m so proud of you! The first Gilmore to graduate from college! You don’t know how good that makes me feel, boy! [ hugs Son ]
Son: Thanks, Dad! I tell you, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I’m.. I’m ecstatic!
Father: Ec-static?
Son: Yeah.
Father: Is something they teach you up there, in that fancy school? Ec-static! Oh, I guess you’re a college graduate, you gotta use big words now, huh! You can’t just be happy like the rest of us! Oh, “happy” don’t got enough letters in it for you! No, you ec-static!
Son: No, Dad, I wasn’t trying to show off. I’m really happy to graduate, and I’m really happy to be home, that’s all.
Father: [ smiling ] Son, you don’t know how good it makes me feel to hear a big word like that out of somebody in this family! [ hugs Son again ]
Son: Thanks, Dad. So, uh.. you want to watch some TV, or something? Catch the news?
Father: News! Oh, watch the news, huh? Is that something you learned about in that fancy college of yours? Oh, you watch the News now! You can’t watch the test pattern like the rest of the family now! No, that’s right, you a scholar! Right? You gotta watch the News, keep up on current events and stuff! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Well, ex-cuuuuuse me!
Son: Come on, Dad, I’m not saying that! You act like somebody’s trying to call you ignorant, or something!
Father: Ignorant! Oh, I’m not dumb, no! Can’t be stupid, no! Can’t be a fool, no! Got to be ignorant! What’s wrong with fool, huh? I guess I’m four more letters than a fool, huh?
Son: Alright, Dad, look.. I’m sorry. You’re a fool, alright? You’re a fool.
Father: Oh, my Son! College graduate! Called me a fool! [ hugs Son ] You don’t know how good that makes me feel!
Son: So, you want something to drink? You fool?
Father: Don’t mind if I do! [ Son pours punch into a cup ] Look at my boy, a genius! Mr. Sigma Cum Laude! Using a glass!Wow! You know, you can’t use your hands like the rest of the family. No! You go to that big ol’ college! You got a college degree, so you gotta use a glass! Mmm-mmm-mmm!
[ phone rings ]
Son: [ picks up phone ] Hello?
Father: Whoaaaa! Picked up the phone!
Son: [ confused ] What?
Father: Where you learn that from, Boy!
Son: [ into phone ] Hold on..
Father: At your fancy college? Oh, you’re smarter than us! We didn’t know what the hell that thing was! Oh, we let it ring for years and years! Almost threw it in the fire!
Son: [ into phone ] Listen, I can’t talk right now, Sweetheart. I have to call you back. Okay, Sweetheart?
Father: Whoo! Sweetheart! Sweet–heart! That something you learned up in that fancy college? Oh, you can’t call her Baby! You know, Baby was good enough for your Momma!
Son: Look, Dad, why do you always do this to me? Every year since I’ve been going to college, whenever I come home, you always tell me how proud you are, and then you make me feel guilty! I mean, these are words you can find in a thesaurus, you know!
Father: [ angry ] THESAURUS?! Boy, you curse at me again, I’ll WHOOP your ASS!
Granddad: [ enters room ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s going on in here? Now, Junior, don’t you talk to your Pappy like that!
Father: Son, I’m sorry, too. [ hugs Son ] You don’t know.. it’s just, sometimes, I wish I had the same opportunities you had. you know? I didn’t go to no ol’ fancy schools, with the pens with all the ink in ’em! No, we didn’t have ink in our schools, no! And we didn’t have the fancy math, like you, you know? We didn’t have eights, you know? You know how hard it is to count your change without an eight?
Granddad: [ riled up ] Eight! Eight! Now, there you go, counting again! The rest of us around here are just trying to walk upright! At least you ain’t standing on fire! [ bends over punchbowl, scoops up punch in his hands and drinks ]
[ Father and Son stare at Granddad in bewilderment, as the scene closes ]
Chris Rock: What’s up! Good to be back – I live here! So, I guess it’s not good to be back. It’s good to be here – my alma mater. This is where it all started. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of things the last couple of years – doing commercials, L’il Penny, stand-up. What makes me the most happy is doing stand-up – you know, the road, going on tour, checking out America! There’s no more America! Remember when you were a kid, there’d by an America? You’d go see your Grandma, and go to her little town? There’s no more little towns – it’s all malls! And they’re all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it’s got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town’s got tow malls! They’ve got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. ‘Cause they’re ain’t nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes!
So, we got a big election coming up. Who’s gonna win – Bill or Bob? Does it really matter? Is there anything you can’t do on Wednesday ’cause your guy didn’t win? “The A Train ain’t running – Dole won.” No! Nothing you can’t do. I like Clinton. You know why I like Clinton? Because he’s got real problems. No, he don’t got President problems, he’s got real problems, like you and me: he’s running out of money, his wife’s a pain in the ass, all his friends are gonig to jail.. I know Bill Clinton. I am Bil Clinton! And they’re always trying to get Clinton. It’s almost as if we have a black President! They second-guess everything he does. Really, you would think he’s black! And they’re always trying to get him with sexual harassment. Sexual harrassment! What is sexual harassment?! What’s the difference between sexual harrassment and just being an idiot? I mean, if my father didn’t harrass my mother, I wouldn’t be here! I mean, I understand some sexual harrassment.. if a man is your boss and says, “Hey, sleep with me, or you’re fired.” That’s sexual harrassment. And that’s the only thing that’s seual harrassment! Everything else falls under “Just trying to get laid.” You can’t put a man in jail for that! I don’t care how hard he tries, that’s all he was trying to do! Anita Hill started this whole thing. It’s all about looks, you know? Because if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would have never happened! She’d be all, “Oh, stop it, Clarence, you nasty! Your fine self!” So, what’s sexual harrassment, when an ugly man wants some? “Oh, he ugly! Call the police! Call the authority!”
The other thing they’ve been trying to get Clinton on is gays in the military. Everybody’s all homophobic – “Ooh, don’t let him in..” Hey! If they want to fight, let ’em fight, ’cause I ain’t fighting! I wouldn’t care if I saw a Russian tank on Flatbush Avenue. I’m not fighting nobody! And everybody’s so homophobic – everybody in this room has at least a gay cousin! All of you, thinking about it right now. Some of you got gay daddies! I got a gay uncle – I call him “Aunt Tom”. I love my Aunt Tom. I know right now, if I was in a fight, Aunt Tom would come in here, take off his pumps and whoop some ass!
You want to vote for somebody that’s gonna change the world? You know what I mean? You don’t want to just waste your vote. Everybody talks about making taxes lower.. I don’t mind the taxes if they go to the right place, you know what I mean? It’s sad that your taxes don’t cover any medical. No medical! I think doctors make too much money. You know why? Because they don’t cure anything! Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago! They ain’t cured nothing in a long time, man! Diseases are just piling up, man! You got cancer, and sickle cell.. Jerry’s Kids still limping around. Come on, man! Get rid of something! Some diseases they just gave up on! They just said “The hell with it!” You know, like blindness. If you go blind, they don’t got nothing for you! If you go to a doctor and tell him that you’re blind, they say, “Hey, why don’t you get this dog to drag your blind ass around?” What kind of cure is that?! Where’s the medicine? Where’s the science? “I’m blind! I can’t see!” There’s people that can see that can’t handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget, or something! Hey! We got a really great show tonight! The Wallflowers are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
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Air Date:
Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Will Ferrell) moderates a no-holds-barred debate between Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) and other third-party candidates.
