Phil Hartman: [reserved, genial, and lookingsharp in an expensive suit] Thanks a lot. Thanks alot. You’re very kind. [character voice] “I just flewin from Hollywood and, boy, is my full o’ craptired!” …
[normal voice] You know, uh, it is a pleasureto be back hosting Saturday Night Live, uh, I’ve beenso busy lately doin’ movies, talk shows, commercials.Hey, I’m not greedy. I’m just tryin’ to make ends meetlike you folks and just tryin’ to put bread on thetable, provide for my family.
I mean, your kids grow up so fast. I rememberthe day my son was born. I was doing an Arby’scommercial … and I got a message on the set thateverything went just fine but the second thatcommercial wrapped, I jumped a plane, flew backeast — to do another commercial for Hager slacks. …Yeah, I missed an important occasion but, with themoney I made from those two commercials, I was able tobuy my infant son a pair of colored contactlenses … and, now, he’s got beautiful greeneyes, just like the old man. Because it’s all aboutfamily. …
That’s why I did a Lorenzo Lamas movie for threemonths … so I could buy my daughter a panda bear –so that she could win Show-and-Tell. … Turns out youdon’t really win Show-and-Tell. … Bear diedafter a couple of weeks. Apparently, they only eatbamboo shoots. How was I supposed to know that?…
Oh, boy, but I’ll tell ya, I’m a lucky man, uh, butI’d be nothing without my lovely wife, Brynn. Ouranniversary’s comin’ up and I want to buy her adiamond necklace, just to show her what’s important tome: family, friends, good times–
[Cut to photo of Michelob bottle and glass of beer.SUPER: Family. Friends. Good Times.]
Announcer V/O: Michelob!
[Cut back to Phil at Home Base.]
Phil Hartman: That should cover thenecklace! … We got a great show! Bush is here![cheers and applause] Stick around — we’ll be rightback!
Joe Pesci….Jim Breuer Frank Sinatra….Phil Hartman Michael Jackson….Tim Meadows Debbie….Molly Shannon Tough guy….Colin Quinn
(Opens with an Italian tarantella playing)
Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.
[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]
Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Hey, everyone! How are you? I´m Joe Pesci! Nice, huh? I´m all ready for Thanksgiving here. (turkey on the table, pumpkin pie) I got my turkey here, I got a little pumpkin pie here. I got my carving knife! (pulls out a monster knife) Hey, I got everything! Its The Joe Pesci Show! All right. Tonight I have a very special guest, ladies and gentlemen, straight outta the hospital, he´s feisty as ever. Please welcome, chairman of the board, Mr.Frank Sinatra´s here!
(Frank Sinatra wearing a bathrobe comes out smoking a cigarette and a drink on his other hand. An I.V. sticks out his arm and a beautiful nurse is behind him. Frank gets the I.V. off and sits down)
Frank Sinatra: That enough baby. My tank is full.(Nurse tries to put I.V. back in) Hey, sweetheart. Since when do you stick me? Take that contraption to the van and hold tight.
Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. Oh, Frankie, how are you? Let me tell you something, folks. It is truly an honor to have you sit here…
Frank Sinatra: My time on earth is short, half-pint. I get the point. You bought my records, you love my movies, your favorite aunt used to lock herself in the bathroom with a picture of me and a jar of olive oil. You´re a fan! Next question.
Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. This guy, 80 years old. Still breaking my cojones over here.
Frank Sinatra: Don´t try to suck up to me by speaking the mother tongue. Last time I heard Sicilian I had to give Sam Giancana $200,000 of my Vegas money.
Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh. That´s really funny. Frank´s totally…
Frank Sinatra: Well, laugh it up, Mighty Mouse. This show´s worse than the one Dick Cavett had back when he wanted to kill himself. Man, that thing blew!
Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh…
Frank Sinatra: Look at this jackass! He´s still yakking it up! You know, whose shoes did you had to shine to get this gig, Joey?
(Joe with a cigar on his mouth is angry but checks his anger)
Joe Pesci: You know, I´m gonna let that one slide because Mr. Sinatra here, hey, is a made man. And I don´t wanna end up buried in the end zone at Giant Stadium. You know what I´m saying?
Frank Sinatra: That´s right, you guinea Paul Williams. Hey, you folks know that? Joe Pesci big shot movie star used to be a shoeshine boy. Hey Joe, where´s your shoeshine box?
(Joe is fuming but lets it slide)
Joe Pesci: Let´s bring out our first guest, hey? Well, you´ve seen him a lot in the news lately. Please welcome, Mr. And Mrs. Michael Jackson. Bring ´em out here.
(Michael Jackson comes out with a veil covering his face, his pregnant “wife” comes behind him. He offers his hand to Frank to shake, Frank ignores him, Michael shakes hands with Joe. Michael and Debbie sit down)
Michael Jackson: (wimpy voice) Thank you. Hello, Joe. Hello, Frank.
Joe Pesci: So tell us, what´s going on? Is it really a bambino in there or what?
Frank Sinatra: Yeah, come on, sugarplum. Is this your handiwork or did you bring an independent contractor to finish the job?!
Michael Jackson: I don´t know why people just can´t accept the fact that I´m a heterosexual.
Joe Pesci: Oh, I don´t know, maybe cause they got eyes? You tell me…
Frank Sinatra: Maybe its because you keep turning boy scouts into millionaires!
Debbie: That´s unfair, Mr.Sinatra. That´s unfair.
Frank Sinatra: You know, I´d keep my trap shut if I were you, hot lips. You look awful familiar. I think I gave you a practice insemination in my dressing room at the Irvine Meadows back in 89!
Michael Jackson: You know Frank, you shouldn´t talk to Debbie like that. I love her, she´s my wife and she´s gonna be the mother of my child.
Joe Pesci: There´s only one way to settle this, Mike. What do you say? Lets see your sausage! What do you say?
Michael Jackson: What?
Frank Sinatra: He´s right, kid. You want to prove you´re innocent? Pull out that splotchy trouser mouse and let us check it for kiddie prints.
Michael Jackson: You have no right to say such horrible things. You greaseballs.
(Frank and Joe make “Oh” faces)
Joe Pesci: Oh, Mikey, Mikey…sound like you´re trying to be a tough guy in front of Dirty Diana over here.
Frank Sinatra: I think somebody´s gonna wake up tomorrow next to a chimp´s head.
(Joe gets behind Michael with a huge bat)
Joe Pesci: That is if he ever gets to wake up tomorrow.
(Joe whacks Michael in the neck. Michael falls on the floor. Debbie is alarmed. Frank gets up.)
Frank Sinatra: (mock singing) Don´t stop till he gets enough…
Joe Pesci: Its as easy as a, b, c. One! (whacks Mike) two!(whacks) three!(whacks)
Frank Sinatra: Get him now, shineboy!
Joe Pesci: I´ll give you shineboy! (Kicks Mike two more times) Shineboy! (Michael gets up and runs out) That’s it, that´s right. Go back to Neverneverland.
Debbie: Call me, Frank. (leaves)
Frank Sinatra: (scoffs) In your dreams. (sits) I´ll tell you Joe, that guy wouldn´t have lasted 2 minutes back in the 50´s. We would´ve pushed him off the roof of the Riviera, right?(grabs Joe´s arm)
Joe Pesci: Hey, watch the suit. Come on.
Frank Sinatra: What do you mean? Watch the suit? You know, I remember when you were a snot nose kid with a shinebox! I tell you folks, this kid used to make your shoes look like freaking mirrors! Salud, Joe.
Joe Pesci: No more shines, Frank. I don´t know if they ever told you up in Palm Springs but I don´t shine shoes no more. You know what I´m saying? Got a show and everything here.
Frank Sinatra: Joey, I´m just busting your horns a little bit. I haven´t seen you in a few years and I´m just joking around. Look, I´m sorry.
Joe Pesci: Look, I´m sorry too, Frank. Huh? I´m sorry.
Frank Sinatra: Now go get your shinebox!
Joe Pesci: You know what?! That is it!(gets up mad as hell) I don´t care who you are! You want a piece of me?!(grabs handfuls of turkey, throws it) You want a piece of me?! Come on, Frank! I take you—(Joe tries to get to a calm Frank jumping over his desk but two thugs grab him) Jesus, wait! Hey, Oh! Ow! (The two guys beat the hell out of Joe Pesci)
Frank Sinatra: All right, all right. That´s enough, show´s over! (spills his drink into the camera lens) Come on, turn it off! Hey, fellas! (two tough guys start punching the camera lens and break it) You! Get me another highball! I got a pinched nerve.
( Joe Pesci Show logo. Pesci is punch drunk over the couch)
Captain … Phil Hartman 1st Corporal … Jim Breuer Private Thompson … Tracy Morgan Corporal Connors … Colin Quinn Sergeant … Darrell Hammond Bloomfield … Tim Meadows 2nd Corporal … Mark McKinney 3rd Corporal … Chris Kattan Miller … Norm Macdonald Private Sullivan … Will Ferrell
[Snare drum – military music. Stock footage oftransport arriving at makeshift army base on tropicalisland. SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC / 1942 -Dissolve to a Captain, with pointer and map,explaining plans to a group of uniformedservicemen.]
Captain: Okay, this is our objective, men. Bydestroying this bridge, we cut off their mainsupplies. Any questions?
1st Corporal: Yes. Sir, when does therendezvous start?
Captain: Oh-one-hundred. Don’t be late,Corporal. Okay, men, now look, this isn’t gonna be aSunday picnic. Gonna give it to ya straight. Some ofyou won’t be coming back. Like, for example, you,Private Thompson. You won’t be coming back.
Private Thompson: [confused] Uh, sir?
Captain: You won’t be coming back.
Private Thompson: Uh, why not, sir?
Captain: [chuckles] Why not, Private? Well, Ithink perhaps being mowed down by enemy crossfiremight have something to do with it. Just like, uh,Corporal Connors over here. He won’t be comingback.
Corporal Connors: Sir?
Captain: You won’t be coming back.
Corporal Connors: I’m gonna die, sir?
Captain: I just got done saying that, Corporal.Don’t make me repeat myself, please.
Sergeant: Sir?
Captain: Yes, Sergeant?
Sergeant: Uh, am I hearing this right, sir? Youknow who’s gonna die?
Captain: Well, yes. When you’ve been soldieringas long as I have, then you can predict thesethings.
Sergeant: Ever had a wrong prediction,sir?
Captain: No.
Sergeant: Am I gonna make it, sir?
Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.
1st Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?
Captain: No.
2nd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?
Captain: Nope.
3rd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?
Captain: [high pitched, as if it were obvious]No-o-o.
Rogers: Am I gonna make it, sir?
Captain: What? I can’t see. Is that you,Rogers?
Rogers: Yes, sir.
Captain: No.
Bloomfield: Uh, what about me, Captain?
Captain: Well, you’re gonna be fine, Stokowski,uh, A-OK, don’t worry about it.
Bloomfield: Uh, I’m Bloomfield, sir.
Captain: Oh! Bloomfield! You won’t be comingback. Sorry.
2nd Corporal: Uh, wh-wh-what about me,sir?
Captain: Well, Corporal, I’m afraid I’ve gotsome bad news for you.
2nd Corporal: Bad – bad news, sir?
Captain: Yes, you’re being demoted toprivate.
2nd Corporal: [relieved] I am? Is thatall?
Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.
3rd Corporal: Sir, my question is not about me.This is not a question about me. This is an unrelatedquestion.
Captain: Fine. But before you ask it, let mejust say, you won’t be coming back.
3rd Corporal: Oh, come on!
Captain: Yes, you’ll be killed by friendlyfire. Thompson there is gonna shoot you.
Private Thompson: [puts a hand on 3rdCorporal’s shoulder] Sorry, man.
3rd Corporal: Well, I – I won’t let it happen!I’ll make sure I never go near Thompson in thebattle!
Captain: [amused] Yeah, okay, whatever. [to asoldier with a raised hand] Yeah, Private Mitchelson,good to hear from you.
Miller: Uh, Miller, sir.
Captain: Oh, Miller, right. You won’t be comingback.
Miller: [unconcerned] Yeah, yeah, I know, sir.I kind of got that feeling. Listen, uh … what I waswondering was, uh, I thought maybe it’d be faster ifyou told us who’s not gonna die.
Captain: But you are gonna be capturedby enemy troops and you’re gonna be torturedrepeatedly for sport. Many, many, many years — longafter the war is over. In fact, among the nativesyou’ll be known as “Dubonka” or “He Who Begs for theDeath That Will Not Come.”
Private Sullivan: “Dubonka,” sir?
Captain: Dubonka, yes.
Private Sullivan: I, uh, I – I – I don’t wannabe Dubonka, sir.
Captain: [amused] Look, Private, I don’t wantto be allergic to wheat but I have no choice. I’ve hadto live with that. [to Bloomfield] Yes, what is it,Bloomfield?
Bloomfield: Uh, sir, wouldn’t it be easier tobomb this bridge from the air?
Captain: [quickly] Probably. Okay, let’sreview! [turns to the map, uses pointer] … We slipin here, oh-one-hundred. Oh-three-hundred, we take thebridge. Oh-four-hundred, Sullivan becomes Dubonka. Anyquestions? Dubonka, questions?
Private Sullivan: Uh, no. No, sir.
Captain: Okay, men, I’ll see you back here atoh-one-hundred in full combat gear, okay? Okay. Fallout. [The men begin to disperse but the Captain pointsto the 1st Corporal] Ah, not you, Corporal. [The restof the men exit. The Captain puts a hand on thecorporal’s shoulder] Listen, Corporal, I’m afraid Ihave some horrible news for you.
1st Corporal: Horrible news, sir?
Captain: Yeah, let’s take a walk, son. [Theystart to walk off – military music pots up] Have youever heard of the term “Wakatinku”?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 7th, 1996 Martin Short No Doubt None Lorne Michaels Chevy Chase O.J. Simpson Child Custody HearingSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) gives the runaround at his child custody hearing. Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.
Montage
Martin Short’s MonologueSummary: After contemplating what he wants his monologue to be about, Martin Short sings about “SNL”‘s peak-and-valley history. First Hosted: 86f.
Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Dumb celebrities Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Jerry Lewis (Martin Short), and Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) aggravate intellectual host Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, Jerry Lewis. Transcript
Martha Stewart’s Topless Christmas SpecialSummary: The holiday special that centers around a half-naked Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer). Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
Ed Grimley in HeavenSummary: Merriwether (Chevy Chase), the gatekeeper of Heaven, sends Ed Grimley (Short) is sent back from the dead to get a life. Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.
Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan) go club-hopping with foreignor Jaleel (Martin Short). Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Lenny the Lion (Colin Quinn) comments on the health care system. Recurring Characters: Lenny The Lion. Transcript
No Doubt performs “Don’t Speak”Also Performed: 01i.
The Barbara Walters SpecialSummary: Jackie Rogers, Jr. (Martin Short) recalls embarrassing moments during an interview with Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri). Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Jackie Rogers, Jr.
Larry Azaria’s Mostly Used Mattresses
The Terry Gantner Family WorkoutSummary: Karate expert Terry Gantner (Will Ferrell) breaks his hand while demonstrating a simple chop move, then screams his agony. Transcript
The Tinseltown TattlerSummary: Pinky Nye (Martin Short) and Rhona Patton (Molly Shannon) gossip.
No Doubt performs “Excuse Me Mr.”
Happy Holiday TalesSummary: Mickey the Dyke (Cheri Oteri) tells her family that she’s a lesbian. Recurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke.
Announcer: A message from John W. Heyward, President of the Heyward Foundation.
John W. Heyward: Hello. I’m a very wealthy man. I’m worth billions, and always have been. But I haven’t always been a man with a conscience. Time was, I thought my money was all I needed to be happy. But all that changed one day when I came across.. [ holds up Bible ] ..this book. The Bible. And I saw where it said.. [ reads passage ] ..”It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” That passage changed my life. It moved me to start putting my riches towards a worthy cause. And that’s why I established the Heyward Foundation. The Heyward Foundation, For The Development Of A Way To Make It Easy For A Camel To Pass Through a Needle’s Eyes. I’m not going to Hell if my billions have anything to say about it! And I think they do. Let me show you..
[ enters a laboratory filled with scientists and camels ]
We’re doing God’s work here at the Heyward Foundation. First, scores of desperate Third World children brought me all these camels. And then I found all these cancer researchers, made them stop whatever it was they were doing, and devote their energies to trying to force these camels through needles, just like it says in the Bible. I know it sounds impossible, but we have made a lot of progress. We started small. We tried to cram a horse through a drinking straw. The result was pretty ugly and completely unsuccessful. But we learned a lot! [ stands in front of a big glass full of a strange-colored liquid ] Next, we tried pureeing a camel into a thin liquid, then pouring the camel through the eye of a needle. Sure enough, the liquid camel will pass through the needle. But.. we think that might be cheating. We’ve got our lawyers looking into it. But a liquid camel’s only part of it. I’ve also invested millions of dollars from my tobacco and pornography enterprises to build very large needles and very small camels. [ stands in front of a large needle and a miniature camel ] Unless I’ve completely missed the message of the Bible, somewhere in here is my ticket to Heaven.
Scientist: [ feeding miniature camel ] This is a new batch, Mr. Heyward! Aren’t they cute?
John W. Heyward: They’re cute.. just not small enough. Have them destroyed. [ addresses the camera again ] So, we’re working toward a beautiful future here at the Heyward Foundation. We dream of a day when camels pass willy-nilly through the eyes of needles, while billionaire industrialists like myself can look forward to an eternity spent in the pure white light of Heaven. Right, fellas?
Scientists: Yeah!
John W. Heyward: And, if we can’t get the camel through the needle, we have another plan. We’re prepared to spend millions to get that part taken out of the Bible. Don’t worry about me!
Announcer: [ appears as SUPER ] The Heyward Foundation. Working really hard to get Mr. Heyward into Heaven.
Hal Mendez…..Bill Pullman Leslie Ann Smith…..Ana Gasteyer Ann Manassas…..Molly Shannon Announcer…..Will Ferrell
(Caption: “Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!” Rock guitar. Footageof different matches of women´s kickboxers, bashingeach other)
Announcer: Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Through October31st, it´s hard core action from the InternationalLeague of Women´s Kickboxing!
(Sleazy promoter in a tuxedo)
Hal Mendez: I´m Hal Mendez and my AmericanInternational League of Women´s Kickboxing is the onlyplace where you can see women kicking women…hard!!For money.
(Caption: “Hal Mendez. Promoter I.L.O.W.K.” More footageof women kicking each other in slow motion)
Announcer: Mothers, waitresses, lawyers, teachers butmostly part-time strippers kicking each other…hard!!It´s a scientifically proven fact that women kickhard!! (Photo of Einstein) Einstein see ya´, hate to beya´! (Photo explodes, more slo mo footage of womenfighting) Because the laws of physics do not apply whenwomen kick women…hard!!
Hal Mendez: Ya´thought ya´saw kicking before youhaven´t seen nothing until you seen women kickingwomen…hard!! And just when you´re tired of womenkicking women, women will start punching eachother…hard!! And keep punching each other untilyou´re ready for women to kick each other all overagain!! It´s a non-stop female smorsgarboard of pain!
(Caption: “North Kicks South.” Two women kickboxers areback to back posing)
Announcer: This week north kicks south when Buffalo´sWomen Kickboxing Champion Leslie Ann Smith (looks tothe camera) takes on Florida´s own AnnManassas. (snarls at the camera) They´ll kick eachother so hard that you´ll be glad you came to see themkick each other!
Hal Mendez: If you think it´s disturbing seeing womenkicking women, wait until you hear it.
(More footage of women´s kickboxing)
Announcer: Women kickin´women…hard!! Only $24!!Parking included!!
(Leslie, Ann and Hal in the middle pose for the camera)
Hal Mendez: Women kicking and punching women…hard!! It´s real.
Announcer: Women´s kickboxing not considered a real sport.
Bill Pullman: Thank you! Thank you! It is really great to be here! Big year! Big year for Pullman. Get to host the “Saturday Night Live” show and I play the President of the United States of America.
(big cheers from audience)
Bill Pullman: Yeah. Ive played a lot of different characters in a lot of movies, mostly romantic comedies. But I get to sometimes kick ass and thats why I did “Casper”.
(audience laughs)
Bill Pullman: But when you play the President of the United States who saves the world from an alien attack, you get a whole new level of respect and it even appears to make you sexier. In fact, this week this week! Someone told me I was named one of the sexiest men of the year by Playgirl magazine.
(The audience laughs hard. Pullman nods and grins in full confidence.)
Bill Pullman: You know what that means? MEN find me attractive.
(Pullman takes a brief pause.)
Bill Pullman: Anyway, we got a great show. New Edition is here. So stick around, well be right back.
[ The office section is filled with six female operators. All are wearing matching blazers, scarves, skirts, and headsets. In the foreground are JANICE and KELLEY; both seated side by side at a computer work station. ]
[ Janice and Kelley are engaged in cross-chatter. Both having grating voices. ]
Kelley: [ to headset ] I wouldnt recommend, but thanks for calling AT&T.
[ Both women look at each other and throw their hands up. ]
Kelley: [ to headset ] Thank you sir for using AT&T.
Janice: [ to headset ] No sir, still holding No sir, MCI doesnt offer a wide service like we do Well, thank you for calling AT&T.
[ Janice clicks a switch on her headset. ]
Janice: I havent gotten one all day.
Kelley: I tell you Janice, I have been on this headset for three whole hours and all I got is this man for a referral for a man in Wisconsin and hes not even home.
Janice: Well Kelley, I know youve been on vacation for the last three weeks, so it takes time to get back in the swing of things.
Kelley: It just doesnt feel Ive been on vacation. Oh! Ive got a call! [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T!
Janice: [ to headset ] Kelley?
Kelley: [ to headset ] Hi.
Janice: [ to headset ] Its me!
Kelley: I cant believe you just did that!?
Janice: I just want to put you in a good mood.
Kelley: Thats the craziest thing you ever did do!
Janice: Well, youve got to keep your sense of humor when you work around here. Can I get you another cup of coffee?
Kelley: I dont want another cup of coffee! I could go for another Cheese Danish, though.
Janice: I think were all out, but let me go check with Karen in the back and see if we have anymore.
Kelley: Hey, hey, hey! Get me another toothpick while youre at it. If it gets stuck on my teeth once, its going to stick again.
Janice: I know where youre coming from.
[ Janice gets up and does a six-shooter routine with her hands and makes gun fire mouth sounds to Kelley. Kelley turns around and responds the same. Janice walks to the hallway near the back. ]
Janice: COULD I GET A COUPLE OF CHEESE DANISHES AND A TOOTHPICK!!!
[ Janice goes back to her seat. ]
Kelley: I dont know why you have to yell!
Janice: Well, you have to yell if you want to get anything done around here.
Kelley: You got that right, killer. [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T. This is a direct line, sir. The only reason you use this is for direct line services. Well, thank you very much for using AT&T!!
Janice: Kelley, Ive been looking on my computer here and I havent had an international referral in over three weeks.
Kelley: Here I got two on my list.
Janice: What??
Kelley: I got one for Tokyo and one for South Korea. I cant believe it!?
Janice: Janie in Section 14 once got a call from Greece the other day, I just about fell on the floor.
Kelley: I tell you, Im so excited! I think Im about to pee my pants!! I dont think Ill make it to the bathroom on time!
[ The ladies giggle and almost high-five but refrain. ]
Janice: [ to headset ] Hello? This is Janice with AT&T.
Kelley: Im going to go check on the Danishes.
Janice: Okay.
[ Kelley gets up and does the same six-shooter routine to Janice, who follows suit. Kelley makes her way to the back hallway. ]
Kelley: WHY DO I GOT TO KEEP YELLING FOR A CHEESE DANISH!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE, FOR GOD SAKES!?!?
[ Kelley back kicks the floor. ]
Janice: Would you stop yelling!? Im trying to help somebody with their long-distance service. Why dont you get yourself another cup of coffee? [ to headset ] Sir, thats forty percent off your —
Kelley: I dont want another cup of coffee. I want another Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish.
Janice: Well, youre just going to have to be patient [ to headset ] No sir, Im not talking to you. [ off headset ] Well, there you go. I just lost the best chance Ill have all day because you keep yelling Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish!!
[ Kelley mocks Janices mouth movements. ]
Kelley: Yada, yada, yada Im going to make one of my international calls. Im going to call Tokyo. [ to headset ] Konichiwa! This is your friend overseas — Kelley from AT&T. How are you doing today, sir? Hi, hi, hiya!
Janice: Im going to go check on those Cheese Danishes.
[ Both woman faintly scream at each other as Janice gets up and heads to the rear hallway. ]
Janice: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN CHEESE DANISHES!?!?!?
Kelley: [ to headset ] Im not yelling at you, sir. Why would I be mad at you, sir?
[ Kelley continues to speak in unintelligible Japanese as Janice returns to the desk. Kelley sighs and turns of her headset. ]
Kelley: Well, thank you very much. I just lost the call!
Janice: Im just so damn hungry! I want the Cheese Danish!
Kelley: Well, thank you very much.
Janice: You dont understand, if my blood sugar drops, I turn into the devil!
Kelley: I keep telling you — youre going to wipe yourself out wipe yourself out.
[ KAREN, wearing very similar clothing to Janice and Kelley, saunters in holding a tray of two Cheese Danishes. Her voice is far more intolerable than Janice or Kelley. ]
Karen: Are you the girls that wanted the Cheese Danishes?
Janice: Well, its about time.
Karen: Well, Im sorry you dont understand
[ Karen places the tray before the ladies. ]
Karen: I have to serve Cheese Danishes to this entire office. And if Im late, people start yelling, Where are my Cheese Danishes!?
[ Janice and Kelley cover their ears. ]
Karen: People dont understand theres a lot of people here and Im only one woman!!
[ Karen saunters to her exit backwards. Janice and Kelley uncover their ears. ]
Kelley: Shes got the most irritating voice.
Janice: I know where youre coming from.
Both: Hi! This is AT&T.
[ Camera zooms out as the house lights come on. The majority of the studio audience can be seen. The camera quickly pans to home base where Lenny Pickett and the SNL band are performing. ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett…..Tim Meadows Station Manager…..Bill Pullman Caller…..Molly Shannon
[ open on couple dancing to the music played on radio program “The Quiet Storm” ]
[ cut to DJ Chris “Champagne” Garnett performing “The Quiet Storm” live at the radio station ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That’s right. Tongiht is the night to make love to your woman. Hold her, and give her what only you can give her – your love. Alright. You’re with me, your DJ, Chris “Champagne” Garnett. So, grab your lady, hold her tight, and let her know it’s time to grind.. to.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Station Manager: [ enters booth ] Hey.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: We got a special treat, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I’ve been joined by our Station Manager Steve Jones. Welcome, Steve.
Station Manager: Can I, uh.. talk to you outside?
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Now, that’s alright, Steve. I don’t mind if my listeners hear. You see, we have a very special relationship, here on “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Now, tell us, Steve. What’s on your mind?
Station Manager: Well.. we’re gonna have to let you go.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ not hearing ] What’s that?
Station Manager: Uh.. look, Chris, I told you four times, change your playlist, and you haven’t, alright? And, I don’t need this crap!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ still mellow ] Get the hell outta my face, punk! Son of a bitch, you can kiss my ass!
Station Manager: [ angry ] Alright, you got fifteen minutes left! Finish your shift, and then GET OUT!! You’re OUTTA HERE, you hear me! YOU’RE OUT!! [ exits booth ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That bastard fired me on the air. Damn. I am this close to punching a hole in the wall. Right now, let’s punch up some smooth grooves, on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Let’s check out Kool & The Gang. This is “Cherish”. [ turns song on ] Yeah. [ accidentally knocks his coffee cup over ] Oh! Oh, God. I just burned my hand with scalding, hot coffee. It’s starting to blister.. I’d better find some water to put on this white, hot, searing pain. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Right now, let’s take a dedication. Hello, Sweet Thang. You’re on “The Quiet Storm”. What’s your pleasure?
Caller: “Champagne”? It’s me.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Hey, what a surprise. It’s my fine lady, Cynthia. How you doing, lovely lady?
Caller: Look.. I have to tell you.. I’m seeing another man.
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Who is he? I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I’ll kill him. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Caller: It’s Steve Jones, your Station Manager. I’m sorry! But it is over! [ hangs up ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, it’s, uh.. 11:45. My life is a living hell. We’re listening to Kool & The Gang. And I am wearing the horns of a cuckold. We’re giving away free tickets to Frankie Beverly & Maze. And I have pure hate pulsing through my veins, here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] I am now holding a gun, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I will kill Steve Jones. Tonight, you will die like the pig that you are. Do you hear me, Steve Jones?
Station Manager: [ re-enters booth ] You’re gonna kill me? You don’t have the guts! Come on! Come on!
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ pointing gun ] People, you are about to hear the sounds of a man’s brains splatting against the wall. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]
Station Manager: [ fights “Champagne” for the gun ] Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ struggling ] Ohhh.. I’ll kill you..
[ cut to couple dancing, as “Champagne” and Station Manager are heard struggling for the gun. Suddenly, the gun goes off. ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh, my God. I’ve just killed a man. No. I was mistaken. He’s killed me. I’m about to die. And I’m.. dead. I.. am.. dead.. I am no longer living. I am dead. I can’t talk anymore, because I’m.. dead. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ thunder sound effect plays again ]
Norm MacDonald: Hello, I’m Norm MacDonald and now thefake news.[Image of American flag. Caption: Decision96]Our top story tonight,according to a new CNN pollRepublican candidate Bob Dole now trails PresidentClinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman saysthat despite this numbers it is possible for them toreach their ultimate goal, to lose by 7 points.[Laughter]
[Image of President Clinton and woman on the beach]
While jogging on San Diego this weekend PresidentClinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker whoshouted at him quote “You’re a draft-dodging,yellow-bellied liar, you’re a disgrace to the officeof the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation”and then added “I’m still gonna vote foryou”.[Laughter]
[Image of Robert Kardashian]
During a recent interview on 20/20 longtime O.J.Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believesSimpson may be guilty though he did add that had hebelieved O.J. was guilty at the time he never wouldhave agreed to hide his bloody clothes andknife.[Laughter]
[Image of book cover]
Well Jocelyn Elders new book “Jocelyn Elders M.D.”came out this week. I read it.[Norm makes masturbationgestures with his fist][Laughter]
[Image of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger]
This week London tabloids report that model Jerry Hallhas filed for divorce from Mick Jagger ending a 20year old relationship. Although I’m sure this is adifficult time for Mick you know, it must be kind ofexciting after 20 years now he finally gets a chanceto sleep with other women.[Laughter]
[Image of Bob Dole]
Meanwhile Bob Dole brought his struggling presidentialcampaign to New Jersey, vowing in his words to proveYogi Berra was right when he said “It ain’t over tillit’s over”[Image of Yogi Berra] Reached for commentYogi Berra said “It’s over”.[Laughter]
Well, after a 15 year absence the New York Yankees areback in the World Series.[Cheers and applause]And somenew yorkers have come up with a novel way of snaggingthose hard-to-come-by tickets, murdering guys withtickets and stealing them.[Laughter]
Well, as I said the 1996 World Series will begintomorrow. Joining us tonight on Weekend Update withhis analysis of each team is baseball legend and adear, dear, dear friend of mine, please welcome hallof fame broadcaster, Harry Caray. Hi, Harry.
[Harry Caray joins Norm at the Update desk. He’strembling, old,wild white hair, thick eyeglasses]
Harry Caray: Hi. Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! Igot to tell you folks. Its gonna be one heck of aseries. These are 2 fantastic ball clubs withoutstanding pitching. You’ve got Andy Pettitte andDavid Cone for the Yankees and of course the Braveshave 24 game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavine.He’s always tough, Norm. These teams are so evenlymatched. Let’s start with the Yankees. They play inNew York City. Wow! What a town! This place iscrazy![Hoots and hollering]You people are nuts! I oncesaw an Armenian woman give birth to a baby in thesubway. Beautiful, beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce boy namedTanzu. He’s 11 now. We still keep in touch.
Norm MacDonald: OK, OK,well Harry what can you tell usabout Atlanta?
Harry Caray: Oh, Atlanta is a beautiful city. Manyconsider it the jewel of the south. You know, its inGeorgia.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s true Harry but hey, let’sgo back to the Braves and the Yankees, buddy.
Harry Caray: Norm, actually I’d like to give a quickshout out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run AndersonHardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. They’re actuallyhere on vacation. They wanted me to say hi to theirbeautiful daughter Colleen who’s watching the store.Hey, Colleen!
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry listen buddy let’s talkabout the lineups for both teams, huh?
Harry Caray: Hey, Norm. What about hose hot dogs theyserve in Yankee Stadium. Aren’t they delicious?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure, yeah.
Harry Caray: I love ’em so much I once ordered 12.
Norm MacDonald: 12 hot dogs?
Harry Caray: Yeah, I only ate 2. I don’t know what Iwas thinking. To this day I laugh at the idea that Ithought I could eat 12 hot dogs. You can’t do it,Norm. You can’t.
Norm MacDonald: No. I imagine not. Well, Harry I knowyou have to run but before you leave hey, let’s getyour prediction on who will win the World Series.
Harry Caray: Yankees in 6.[Wild cheers and screams]
Norm MacDonald: Wow! How about that?! That’s great,that’s great! So that’s your prediction, huh? Yankeesin 6?
Harry Caray: Or the Braves, Norm. You never know.That’s what makes baseball such a crazy game.
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry Caray everybody. HarryCaray. Thank you for joining us, Harry.
Harry Caray: Thank you.
[Shakes hands with Norm]
[Cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, glad to have you with us. Goodyou could drop by.
[Harry Caray leaves]
[Image of paper headline says “Kid-neglect hooker wasunder probe]
The New York Post reported last week that a prostitutecharged with leaving her 4 youngest children alone ina roach infested Brooklyn apartment had been underinvestigation for years as a negligent mother. What’smore apparently the woman was also a really lousyprostitute.[Laughter]
[Image of a camel]
Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel.The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in themiddle east many are wondering why anyone would paythat much….[Norm looks over his shoulder to thecamel]Good God, that’s a sexy camel! That is a….takea look at this. I think is its eyes.
[Image of a paper headline that says Virginia]
In Virginia,[laughter from previous joke]police arelooking for a stripper who stabbed a man for tellingher she was too fat to strip. Police warn that thewoman is armed and extremely fat.[Laughter]
[Image of paper headline says “Di’s video ‘romp’revealed as hoax”]
In England, a much publicized videotape of a nakedPrincess Diana having sex with her lover Captain JamesHewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the brightside its still a video of 2 naked people havingsex.[Laughter]
In Brunswick Maine, an outbreak of the deadly canineparvo virus has led to the local Human Society killingmany of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the Humane Societywould kill off victims of canine parvo if instead ofdogs they were rich old white guys.
[Silence. APPLAUD NOW flashes on the bottom of thescreen. Applause]
[Image of Madonna]
And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulateMadonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl lastMonday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces.Making it the fourth largest object ever to passthrough Madonna’s birth canal.[Laughs andgroans]Congratulations, Madonna! And that is it! Goodnight. Good News. Take care.
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