Category: 1999

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 19th, 2000

Ben Affleck

Fiona Apple

None

Gwyneth Paltrow

G.E. Smith
NightlineSummary: Peanuts characters appear on “Nightline” to mourn the passing of Charles Schultz.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Franklin.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Despite the need to do so, Gwyneth Paltrow joins Ben Affleck onstage to share his limelight.

Transcript

Victoria’s SecretSummary: A pair of talking breasts promote the lingerie company.

Transcript

Ben Loves MangoSummary: Ben Affleck finds himself enchanted by Mango (Chris Kattan) at a celebritiy event, but the male dancer is only interested in meeting Matt Damon. Taking a cue from Damon’s movie, “The Talented Mr. Ripley”, Ben disguises himself as his buddy and woos Mango into his apartment.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Transcript

Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) sees Denise (Rachel Dratch) flirting with Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck) at a party.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “The All New Adventures of Mr. T” (Tracy Morgan), who’s back and ready to work!

Transcript

Fretts Film Forum

FanaticSummary: Crazed fan (Ben Affleck) gets to spend the day with Anna Nicole Smith (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Anna Nicole Smith.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Colin Quinn examines live press conferences held by Republican presidential contenders George W. Bush (Will Ferrell), John McCain (Chris Parnell), and Alan Keyes (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John McCain, Alan Keyes.

Transcript

Fiona Apple performs “Limp”

The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmerman (Cheri Oteri) flirt with a sleazy salesman (Ben Affleck) while shopping for a new car.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.

Transcript

Police Recruit Fitness TestingSummary: At 50 years of age, Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) wants to join the police academy.

Recurring Characters: Salley O’Malley.

Transcript

TrilocaineTranscript

Who Wants To Be Groped By An Eleven-Thousandaire?Summary: A semi-rich redneck (Ben Affleck) favors confused guy (Chris Kattan) over a pair of desperate brides.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

TV Funhouse

Voice of Mr. T…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on “All New Adventures of Mr. T” theme ]

Mr. T.: I’m back! And I need work!

[ cut to Mr. T. and three kids and dog walking through a back alley ]

Little Boy: Mr. T.? When can we eat?

Mr. T.: Don’t give me that jibber-jabber! We’ll eat when I get work!

Teenage Girl: But you haven’t worked in ten years.

Mr. T.: Shoulda stayed in school!

Teenage Boy: What’s that?

Mr. T.: [ reading ] “A Doll’s House. Opening next week.” Sounds like work!

Little Boy: Let’s check it out!

Mr. T.: Kids, follow me! And drink milk, work!

[ cut to play group practicing inside the theater ]

Male Actor: “..But, Nora, dearest, why do you look so stern?”

Female Actor: “I’ve been dreadfully wronged, Torvald. First by Papa, and then by you.”

Mr. T.: [ interrupting ] Alright, let’s go! I’m here to work!

Director: Excuse me?

Mr. T.: Put me in the show, fool! And don’t do drugs!

Director: But these aren’t auditions. We’re here for the rehearsals..

Mr. T.: I got no time for the jibber-jabber! I wanna be Torvald, sucker!

Male Actor: But he’s not right for Torvold.

Mr. T.: Shut up, fool! I need work! [ to Director ] You got achoice, Jack: you either make me Torvold, or you hurt!

Stagehand: Alright, Sir, let’s go.. [ grabs Mr. T’s shoulders ]

Mr. T.: I’ll squash that bug! [ tosses Stagehand across the rowof seats ] Rehearse this, fool! [ squashes two actors’ headstogether ]

[ Director runs off ]

Little Boy: He’s getting away!

[ Mr. T and the Teenaged Boy and Girl fling from the girders and land on the Director’s back, stopping him ]

Mr. T.: Next time, stay in school!

Director: [ confused ] What?!

[ Mr. T picks up the Director and tosses him into the set, smashing it to pieces ]

Female Actor: But.. we rehearsed..

Mr. T.: Stop jibber-jabbering, and start acting!

[ cut to Opening Night, Mr. T in his dressing room with the kids ]

Teenage Boy: The show was really great, Mr. T!

Mr. T.: You gotta respect the writer! Henrik Ibsen’s a tough dude! Eat all your greens!

Little Boy: And they all doubted you.

Mr. T.: Let that be a lesson to all the Gary Burghoffs, JoeyLawrences, Tina Yotherses, and George “Goober” Lindsays! If you believe in yourself, drink your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do milk – you can get work! [ dog barks ] Alright, maybe not Gary Burghoff!

[ they all share a hearty laugh, as the cartoon ends ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Goodnights

…..Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck: Guys, I just want to say “THank you so much!” To the — everybody in the cast, and the crew – this was the most incredible week! Fiona Apple! Gwyneth Paltrow! G.E. Smith! It was fabulous! Thank you so, so much! This was really great!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Ben Loves Mango

Todd Newton…..Jimmy Fallon
Camryn Manheim…..Horatio Sanz
Bruce Vilanch…..Darrell Hammond
Mango…..Chris Kattan
…..Ben Affleck

Todd Newton: This is Todd Newton reporting live for E! I’m having a sexy-fun time here at the premiere for “Reindeer Games”. Looks like all of Hollywood’s here tonight. Hey look, there’s The Practice’s, Camryn Manheim and funny man Bruce Vallanche. Hey talk to E!

Camryn Manheim: Hi Todd.

Bruce Villanche: You’re name’s not Todd Newton – it’s Todd POO-ton!

[ Both laugh and walk off ]

Todd Newton: I don’t get it. Hey, here’s Ben Affleck, the Man of the Hour. [ Ben tries to rush by ] Ben, Ben, over here! It’s me, Todd Newton.

Ben Affleck: Yeah, I know, that’s why I was walkin’ faster.

Todd Newton: [ laughs ] Terrific! Hey, tell me, there’s something I always wanted to know – What’s it like having people like you?

Ben Affleck: Uh.. it’s good I guess.

Todd Newton: [ laughs ] I knew it! [ looking around as Ben walks off ] Hey, look, there’s Mango! Mango, over here! Mango! It’s E!, Todd Newton!

Mango: [ strutting excitedly ] Ohhh, hi, E!Hello!

Todd Newton: Mango, you look great. Who are you weating?

Mango: Oh, this is my own design.. this only took me a couple of hours.. This is Wang. Vera Wang!

Todd Newton: [ laughing ] Alright. Classic!

Mango: Hey, have you seen the Matt Damon man? I’m looking for him.

Todd Newton: No. But why don’t you ask his buddy, Ben Affleck? Ben! Over here, buddy!

[ Ben walks over ]

Mango: Oh, hi! How are you? So, you know the Matt Damon man?

Ben Affleck: Uh, yeah, I know him. We did a couple movies together.

Mango: Oh, yeah, I know! The “Good Will Hunter” brothers, I remember!

Ben Affleck: No, it was called “Good Will Hunting”..

Mango: Yeah, whatever. Do me favor, when you see the Matt Damon man, tell him I’m looking for him.

Ben Affleck: [ relunctant ] What’s your name?

Mango: [ moving closer for a whisper ] Mango.

[ Mango’s soundtrack, “Missing” by Everything But the Girl, surrounds the air, as he innocently seduces Ben and disappears, leaving Ben in a daze ]

Todd Newton: You alright, Ben? Ben, you alright?

Ben Affleck: [ sidetracked ] Man-go!

[ cut to Mango in an aerobics class, as his cell phone rings ]

Mango: Sweet Mother of Crap! I thought I turned this mofo off! Hello? Leo DiCaprio?! I thought I told you never to call me? Okay? Bye! [ phone rings again ] Yes? Hi, Haley Joel Osment. I told you you’re too young for me. Okay? Bye! [ phone rings again ] Hello? Yes?

[ split-screen of Ben and Mango ]

Ben Affleck: Mango, it’s me, Ben Affleck.

Mango: Ben who-fleck? What? Who is this?

Ben Affleck: I mean.. [ disguising his voice ] Hey.. it’s me, Matt Damon!

Mango: Oh! Matt Damon! Hi!

Ben Affleck: Listen.. I’ve gotta see you, man! Come to my apartment at 8 o’clock, I’ll send a driver to pick you up. See you then! [ hangs up, as screen shifts to Ben’s apartment ] Oh, this is so awesome, I can’t believe it! [ walks up to a wall mirror, puts on a Matt Damon wig, glasses and teeth ] I’m Matt Damon!

[ cut to later that night. Ben’s apartment is dark, as the doorbell rings. ]

Ben Affleck: Come in!

Mango: [ entering ] Hello?

Ben Affleck: Mango, come in.

Mango: Thank you. Why is it so dark in here?

Ben Affleck: Uh, I have a pimple. [ changing subject ] Why don’t you stand over by the light?

Mango: [ complying, looks for a comfortable pose ] Should I do this? [ changes position ] Or maybe do that? [ giggles ] I’m a little nervous..!

Ben Affleck: Hey, man.. why don’t you try stripping for me?

Mango: [ surprised ] Alright.

[ Ben turns the stero on by remote, as Mango nervously dances around the room. Driven to arousal, Ben jumps onto Mango and knocks him to the floor ]

Ben Affleck: I can’t take it! I’ve gotta have my Mango pie, you little bitch! [ starts spanking Mango ]

Mango: [ struggling to get loose ] No! Call the 911!

Ben Affleck: Don’t fight it.

Mango: [ escapes from Ben’s grip and jumps to his feet ] Why does this keep happening to me? Why does everybody think I’m gay? I just came over to get an autograph for my son! His school happens to be having a charity auction, Mr. Matt Damon man!

Ben Affleck: [ giving up ] Ah.. call me Ben.

Mango: [ outraged ] Ben who-fleck?! What?! Who?! What?! What is this now?!

Ben Affleck: [ falling to his knees ] I’m sorry, Mango! I just never felt like this before! Even though I’m not really funny, just the thought of makes me feel so young! You’re everything, you complete me! Oh Mango! [ cries ]

Mango: Shhh, okay, come on.. it’s alright.

Ben Affleck: I.. I.. I did good in “Armageddon”, I wrecked the asteroid!

Mango: Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it, so.. [ singing staticly ] Hush there, little baby, don’t say a word.. Manog gonna buy this mockingbird.. And if that mockingbird don’t sing.. Mango gonna buy.. the diamond ring.” And inside that diamond ring, there’ll be a description.. that say.. “You can’t have-a the Mango!” [ stands up and slaps himself in the butt, then leaves ]

Ben Affleck: [ distraught, throws his hands in the air ] MANGO-O-O-O!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Ben Affleck’s Monologue

…..Ben Affleck
…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Ben Affleck: It’s great to be in New York, and I’m excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve been a fan of the show my entire life.. in fact, I was on the show, last year, when Gwyneth Paltrow hosted. When Gwyneth was doing her monologue, I stood up and asked a question, and I got a laugh. I thought it was a pretty big laugh. I guess it was big enough to be asked back to host. And it was fun, and I was there to support her. And I’m just happy to say that she came back to support me! [ walks into audience to point out Gwyneth Paltow in the front row ]

Gwyneth Paltrow: You’re doing great!

Ben Affleck: Thanks for coming. [ he kisses her, then returns to center stage, where Gwyneth follows ] Oh, you’re coming up here? Great. That’s great.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Why? Do you not want me here?

Ben Affleck: No, really, of course. I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for your support. It’s terrific.

Gwyneth Paltrow: You want me to leave?

Ben Affleck: No!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Are you sure?

Ben Affleck: Yeah! No! I’m thrilled that you’re here, it’s great. I’m thrilled!

Gwyneth Paltrow: You don’t really seem thrilled.

Ben Affleck: I’m really, really, really glad that you’re here. It’s just that when I was here I stayed in the audience.. but I’m happy that you’re here. I’m glad you came on.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Right. This is your night, and you want me to sit down?

Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no, no! I mean, eventually, yeah. I’m just saying it’s like when you won your Oscar. I stayed in my seat, it was cool, I let you have your moment, because I already knew what it felt like to win an Oscar.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, that’s right, you did win – for writing. God, it’s really exciting to stand there all alone, isn’t it?

Ben Affleck: I won mine with Matt, we were both up there.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, that’s still good!

Ben Affleck: Great! I’ll see you after the show! [ tries to push her off the stage ]

Gwyneth Paltrow: I just thought you looked a little lost..

Ben Affleck: No, I think it was going pretty good.. right up until now.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay. You know what? You are doing great. I’m sure with your writing skills, you’re gonna do a great show.

Ben Affleck: Now, I didn’t write the show.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, I know, because Matt’s not here.
Ben Affleck: Thanks! Thanks alot! Anything else you want to say?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, I don’t know if the audience wants to hear anything more from me.. [ audience applauds loudly ] Really?! Ben has a great show for you – Fiona Apple is here! Stick around, Ben’s gonna be right back!

Ben Affleck: I wanted to say that..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Franklin…..Tim Meadows
Marcie…..Rachel Dratch
Pigpen…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on “Nightline” graphics ]

Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel at his newsdesk ]

Ted Koppel: The passing of Charles Schultz has left a void in the heart of America. His loyal readers, young and old alike, are celebrating Schultz’s humor, warmth, and unique view on life. Tonight on “Nightline”, some of those who worked closely with him would like to share their thoughts on this wonderful man. Joining us tonight from his home in Phoenix, Arizona: Franklin.

[ cut to large-headed Franklin, sitting on a bench outside his home ]

Franklin: Hello, Ted.

Ted Koppel: And, from her cabin in North Hampton, Massachusetts: Peppermint Patty’s little friend, Marcie.

[ cut to large-spectacled Marcie sitting inside her cabin home ]

Marcie: Hi, sir!

Ted Koppel: And, finally, from his office in Seattle: Pigpen.

[ cut to large-headed Pigpen sitting in an interior office setting, a cloud of dust rising behind him ]

Pigpen: Hi, Ted.

[ cut back to Ted ]

Ted Koppel: Now.. Franklin, let me just start with you. How did Charles Schultz touch your life?

Franklin: Well, back then, uh — I mean, this was the days before “Fat Albert” — I mean, back then, in was hard for a brother to get into the funnies. No one wanted to take the time to do the shading [ Ted shakes his head ] But, Charles Schultz, he looked beyond race, he knew that, deep down, we’re all the same: we all have heads the size of the rest of our bodies, and, when we turn sideways, our mouthes disappear.

Ted Koppel: So true, Franklin! I should mention, at this time, that Charlie Brown very much wanted to be here tonight, but he’s on-location in Thailand shooting a film with Chow Yun-Fat. But he has issued this statement:

[ show slide of Charlie Brown and his quote ]

Ted Koppel V/O: “My dog, his bird friend and I are terribly saddened by this loss. It has hit me hard, like a line drive tossing me mid-air and knocking the clothes off my body.”

[ cut back to Ted ]

Ted Koppel: Now.. Marcie, I’d like to turn to you —

Marcie: Uhh.. yes, sir?

Ted Koppel: You say Charles Schultz was like a father to you?

Marcie: Well, sir.. yes, sir. I was going through quite a few “personal” problems — I — I was confused about my sexual orientation. And Mr. Schultz was cool about it, at a tme when my own family wasn’t. I was pretty upset with Peppermint Patty, sir, but she just didn’t like me that way! [ lifts her head ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!!

Ted Koppel: I see.

Franklin: I don’t know about you, Ted, but I always wanted to see some Marcie-on-Patty action! [ snickers ]

Ted Koppel: Yes, that.. would have been nice! Now, Pigpen, from your recently-published autobiography — [ holds up book ] After The Dust Settled: My Life in Real Estate — I gathered Charles Schultz literally saved your life?

Pigpen: Yeah, I, uh, had a pretty rough childhood. My parents were pretty neglectful of me. I mean, look at me back then, I was filthy! But, uh, whereas everyone else saw a filthy kid in a perpetual cloud of dust, Charles Schultz saw a dirty, smelly kid who could teach the world about tolerance.. and about Dolly Madison snack cakes.

Ted Koppel: Alright, at this point I’d like to warn our affiliates we may be going a few minutes long tonight —

[ familiar Peanuts offscreen “wah wah wah” sound effects ]

Ted Koppel: My producer, Caroline Aufmauer, trying to tell me something. What is that, Caroline?

[ familiar Peanuts offscreen “wah wah wah” sound effects ]

Ted Koppel: I — I can’t understand you! But —

[ familiar Peanuts offscreen “wah wah wah” sound effects ]

Franklin: Uh, Ted?

Marcie: Uh, sir?

Franklin: Ted? Ted?

Marcie: Hello?

Ted Koppel: Yeah?

Marcie: We understand her, Mr. Koppel.

Ted Koppel: By all means, tell us.

Marcie: She’s saying —

Franklin, Pigpen, Marcie: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Police Recruit Fitness Testing

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli…..Ben Affleck
Sally O’Malley…..Molly Shannon
John Hellman…..Jimmy Fallon
Blonsky……Chris Parnell
Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright there, uh, boys and girls, let’s huddle up, come on let’s go. My name is, uh, Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli, but any of you can call me “Buch” if you wanna get your face busted that is. Ha-ha! That’s a lil joke, what I do to break the ice, y’know and all that, anyway, you’re training instructor, I.E., me, will be evaluating whether or not you’re fit to wear the Blue. For the next three hours I will be your Mommy, your Daddy, and your worst frickin “Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: Freddie’s Revenge” Again, a lil humor.

Guy #1: And a damn fine movie, Booch.

(Sally O’Malley enters)

Sally O’Malley: Excuse me, uh, hi there. I heard you’re lookin’ for a tough cop. Heard you’re lookin for a tough cop.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, that’s right. What are you doin here?

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say that I am 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age, and I like to (demonstrates) kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old. Not afraid to hide my age, 50!

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, alright goldie we hear ya honey. Fall in line w/ the rest of them-go ‘head. Come here, what’s your name?

John Hellman: I’m John Hellman, Sir.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: (gets punched) Rule #1: Always be prepared. Alright, go clean yourself up. OK, 1st off today I would like to demonstrate a highly effective judo move that once got me out of a jam in Korea town. It goes a lil something like this (demonstrates a move w/ 2 punches followed by a kick) Hi-ya, yah, SUGAH! Alright, now you guys do it, go ‘head.

(class demonstrates-Sally kicks furiously)

Sally O’Malley: SUGAH, I’m 50! 50 years old! 50 years old! Hats off to me-50 years old!

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, yeah, we heard you Angie Dickinson. Let me ask you a question-O’Malley, Officer O’Malley-you like the sound of that?

Sally O’Malley: Truth be told, I prefer, uh, Chief O’Malley.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Yeah, well I prefer to be called the “White Bill D. Williams”. Again, that’s humor. That’s just jokes is what that is; it’s humor. I’ll tell you this O’Malley, you got a lot of energy and you got a lot of spice.

Sally O’Malley: Well thank you. That’s because I took my vee-tamins this mornin and when I put on my red pants I like to dance. Hey taxi (whistles), lookin for a ride.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: That’s another reason not to pick up hitchhikers. OK, O’Malley, let’s see what you got. Blonksy, get over here. O’Malley, Blonksy. Blonsky, O’Malley. Now Blonsky here is an assailant who is gonna try to choke you and take your purse. Now try dancin your way outta this one “Big Red”, will you? Go ‘head Blonsky, take her down.

(O’Malley elbows Blonsky, then hits him in the face, then knees him)

Blonksy: Oh God!

Sally O’Malley: Book ‘um Dano, I’m 5-0! (Balances herself on one leg with arms extended to each side) 50 years old! 50 years old! 50 years old!

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Alright, get up Blonsky, come here (punches him) You got beat up by an old lady, we can’t have that. Hit the road. You got guts O’Malley, I gotta tell you, but we don’t make cops outta fossils. Sorry, maybe you should go home and, uh, bake some cookies with the rest of the old ladies.

Sally O’Malley: How ’bout I bake you up a nice knuckle sandwich?

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, you’re scaring me here. Woah!

Sally O’Malley: I’ll tell you something Officer, I got more juice in this tomato than all of these fruits put together.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Oh, is that so?

Sally O’Malley: Yeah, that’s so.

Sgt. Gregory Buchanelli: Well let’s see how you do against some of Chicago’s finest. Everybody out! Let’s go! It’s time for the real men. Boys come on in! Take her down.

Sally O’Malley: Gee, I don’t know, maybe I am a lil old

Cop: Yeah maybe you are a lil old.

(Beats up all 3 cops)

Sally O’Malley: And just in case you forgot…I like to kick!, stretch!, and KICK! I’m 50, 50, 50 years old!

(shows front cover of a newspaper w/ picture of Sally)

“Officer Sally Sally O’Malley: Still Kickin’ Ass At 50!”

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Victoria’s Secret

[ SUPER: “What is Desire? Victoria’s Secret asks Marisa’s Boobs.”

[ cut to close-up of Marisa’s boobs opening and closing as they speak ]

Marisa’s Boobs: What is desire? Desire is a mystery. Ah.. butall these desires, they are small..

Marisa’s Crotch: Desire!

Marisa’s Boobs: Shut up! It’s my commercial! Desire..

Announcer: The new voice of sexy, from Victoria’s Secret. For atranscript of this ad, visit our website at www.nicebooby.com.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Trilocaine

Spokesman…..Ben Affleck

Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky scalp. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Trilocaine.

Announcer: Trilocaine. Prescription medication for serious scalp itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you’re one of those 90%, after taking Trilocaine, you’ll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a “not-world”. There, you’ll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.

Suddenly, you’re on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o’er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you’ll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free scalp.

Another side effect is mild flatulence.

Ask your doctor about Trilocaine.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
John McCain…..Chris Parnell
Alan Keyes…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”

Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are today’s top stories.

George W. Bush got his campaign back on track with a victory over Arizona Senator John McCain in today’s South Carolina primary. Bush garnered 54 percent of the vote, prompting the ecstatic Texas Governor to declare, “I haven’t gotten grades like this since Yale!”

Political insiders believe George W. Bush’s victory today could set the tone for the campaign since South Carolina is always a good indication as to how the rest of the country will vote in 1850.

Colin Quinn: And so, with over 91% of the precincts reporting in South Carolina, it does appear that George W. Bush has beaten challenger Senator John McCain by a 13% margin. As part of our continuing campaign coverage, we go now, live, to Bush Campaign Headquarters in Charleston, where the Texas Governor is preparing to speak.

[ cut to Bush Campaign Headquarters ]

George W. Bush: Woo! I won! By 13%. That’s a lot, right? That’s like half a pie! Right? But, seriously.. this is not fun. I wish my daddy would just tell me when I get to be president, ’cause it’s just too hard fighting John McCain all across all these 52 states. He’s mean! Isn’t there just someone that could tell him that I get to be President? He know this thing’s rigged, right? Right?

[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]

Colin Quinn: There you have it. The winner, George W. Bush, addressing his supporters in Charleston, South Carolina. Let’s turn now to John McCain’s headquarters, where I’m being told the Senator is about to concede.

[ cut to McCain Campaign Headquarters ]

John McCain: Thank you. I just put in a call to Governor Bush, conceding his victory here in South Carolina. [ supporters boo ] No, no.. We fought a hard battle, and I thought we learned a lot here. For instance, I do regret having gone negative against Governor Bush, and it probably didn’t help that I told a New York Times reporter that I call Vietnamese people Gooks. But I do want to reiterate, when I said the word “Gook” I was on my campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. And you gotta remember, the Straight Talk Express is for telling the truth, and that truth can be embarrassing sometimes. For example, just the other day I was on the Straight Talk Express, and I said, “I’ve seen the movie ‘Ghost’ 20 times.” A little embarrassing, but that’s the Straight Talk Express. It’s a very special bus. I could say anything like, “I happen to like pretty ponies” or, “If I could get rid of anyone in this world, it would be the Gooks.” That’s the kind of shoot-from-the-hip you’ll get from me when I’m on the Straight Talk Express. So keep in mind, if you decide to drop by the Straight Talk Express, be prepared to hear the truth, and make sure you’re not a Gook, or I’ll strangle you. Thank you, and I’ll see you in Michigan!

[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]

Colin Quinn: That was Senator John McCain, conceding defeat in South Carolina tonight. Finally, we go to Alan Keyes’ headquarters, where the distant third-place finisher is expected to concede, or may even announce his withdrawal from the race. Let’s listen in.

[ cut to Keyes Campaign Headquarters ]

Alan Keyes: [ over his applause ] Thank you all, thank you! Thank you, Alan Keyes supporters, thank you! [ he raises a boombox and shuts off the pre-recorded applause ] As you all are undoubtedly aware, just a moment ago Senator John McCain graciously conceded defeat. And now, all that is left is the inevitable. I Alan Keyes.. must wait for George W. Bush to conced defeat as well! [ turns his applause ] Thank you! Thank you! [ shuts it off again ] While I have not yet recieved one vote, there is still 2% of precincts left to report, and I am confident I will win! Then it is on to Michigan, on to Super Tuesday, on to the White House and the Presidency of the United States! [ crickets can be heard ]

Offscreen Voice: Buddy, you gotta wrap up. We’re closing in, like, five minutes.

Alan Keyes: Yes. I am aware of that. Thank you. My fellow Americans, I have heard your voice. I have heard the clarion call.. [ the lights are turned off ] I’m not done yet!

Offscreen Voice: I gotta close up, buddy. Sorry.

Alan Keyes: This is absurd, I am a presidential candidate! [ the sound of crickets can be heard ] Say, listen, can you give me a ride to the bus station?

Offscreen Voice: No!

Alan Keyes: I shall walk, then! Thank you, South Carolina!

Colin Quinn: Our candidates, everybody.

Donald Trump’s announcement Monday that he will not vie for the Reform Party Presidential nomination has left the remaining candidates scrambling for that all-important elderly, casino slot machine addict vote.

On Monday, Democratic presidential hopefuls Al Gore and Bill Bradley will meet for a crucial debate in Harlem. One of the top issues to be covered: Which One of Them is Whiter?

The Virginia State Senate unanimously agreed Tuesday to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. alongside Confederate Generals, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, during a four-day weekend in January. The extra day off will allow time for residents to clean up after the riots.

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

SNL Transcripts